Funny one liners you've said to overheard to a patient

Martyn said:
Or...
(to a sweet 16 yr old with a lisp)
'Big breaths'
'Yeth and I'm only thixteen'
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Or...

Attempting to say "big breaths" to a very attractive woman with sizable breasts who flirted with you and got you flustered... "big breasts". Cue blushing.
 
I worked in a county that had a federal prision at one point. One night my partner and I get called out to an OD for a guy that had taken a bunch of otc meds. After the guards shackle the guy and we get him to the truck, I get the charcoal to give the pt. He starts being a jackass and refuses to take it. My partner looks at the guy and says "You see that cone shaped tip on the bottle? Thats so we can give it to you up the butt if you don't drink it." The pt starts laughing and looks at me. I said "He's not joking, I have K-Y right here" and produced a packet. Needles to say, he drank that charcoal like a champ.
 
From a cop writing a ticket for driving with a suspended license.

Pt: That can't be correct

Cop: Well sure it is, I just wrote it myself 2 minutes ago....
 
I was off-duty and out of area at the scene of an injured family relative.

Patient: Could I ask for a big favor?
EMT: You could ask... but we're still going to XYZ Hospital.

I thought it was a cute way to say no... my relative did not.
 
unintentionally

I used to work for a transport agency where we had to write down why the patient was being taken to where ever they were going on the pcr. one patient we were taking to a nursing home that was known for having people die and on the paper work I put "transfered to XYZ nursing home for end of life car." my supervisor couldent stop laughing for awhile after he read that
 
I'm still just an EMT student, but I have a good one from back when I was an X-Ray tech at a level 1 trauma center.

We get a page for an incoming trauma patient. He had been in a motorcycle accident and had been de-gloved, left arm completley torn off at the shoulder. My shift lead, myself and a student get called in to take a chest x-ray of him. Well, in order to place the film behind him we (obviously) need to lift him up, and a patient missing his shoulder presents an interesting challenge.

Shift lead: I'm gonna need some help lifting him.
Student: [Gives me a look that says 'I really don't want to do that.']
Me: [not thinking] Go on, give the man a hand!

The shift lead bursts out laughing. Thank goodness the patient was unconcious. I felt stupid for weeks.
 
For all of you David Caruso fans:

We got called to a nursing home last night for a patient that had a syncopal episode while she was sitting on the toilet having a bowel movement. After we got report, my partner got this intense look on his face and said "Well, I guess that's one way *put on his glasses* to get off pot" before promptly walking away toward the patient's room.
 
Buzz said:
For all of you David Caruso fans:

We got called to a nursing home last night for a patient that had a syncopal episode while she was sitting on the toilet having a bowel movement. After we got report, my partner got this intense look on his face and said "Well, I guess that's one way *put on his glasses* to get off pot" before promptly walking away toward the patient's room.
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Did someone go
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" right after that? :P
 
Hahahahahahaha!

I'm gonna be modest and say I woke up only 2 people laughing at that just now.
 
Best one I ever heard was to an elderly female pt "oh love we're helpng you .... honest!"
 
While doing my clinicals in the ER, I was asked to get a temp on a patient. I grabbed a thermometer off the wall and entered the patient's room where an RN was attending to the patient. As I started toward the patient with the thermometer the RN told me I didn't want to use that thermometer, it's a rectal thermometer. As I turned to walk out of the room, I responded, within earshot of the patient and a family member, "it doesn't matter, it just tastes different."
 
Quote of the day: "You know the only reason I don't put your son's testicles in a jar and give them to his wife as a Christmas present is because he seems like the kind to whine to the cops about it, right?"
 
Tonight in the ER: "That woman is nothing but a life support and transportation system for a crack addiction."
 
While waiting for the medic to finish drug box swap at ER I heard another crew who brought an old man in who was "freaking out" because he thought the head and torso of his dead father was in his bead....

Medic 1 turned to Medic 2 and asked "Is this one patient or two....?" :)
 
Arrived on scene to find a young guy tripping on acid, or as my partner so ironically called it, "tripping balls". He was convinced that there were animals inside his testicles. After showing us that he had actually cut them out of his body, I muttered to myself "this is completely nuts". Both my partner and I realized later that our comments had been completely inappropriate. Oops.
 
EMT to patient I'm here to save you.
 
Said this to an ambulatory patient at an MVC where fuel had been leaking and gone unnoticed, in an Arnold Schwarznegger impersonation: "come with me if you want to live"


at another MVC requiring air ambulance, in another Schwarznegger impersonation: "get to the choppa!"
 
emdub said:
After showing us that he had actually cut them out of his body, I muttered to myself "this is completely nuts". Both my partner and I realized later that our comments had been completely inappropriate. Oops.
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I don't see how that could be anything but appropriate! The truth is NEVER inappropriate. Had you said, "Now, we shall sing Soprano together!" THAT would have been inappropriate.
 
Me to dispatch at hospital:

"We have a woman who recently came in for a Dialation with two Fistulas."
As an EMT Student, I never stop getting crap at that hospital.
 
medic417 said:
EMT to patient I'm here to save you.
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I've read these boards for many years, just lurking, never posting.

I've had a bit of a nasty day, so I've decided to finally come out of hiding. I am sick of the constant negative attitude toward EMT-B's from medics. There is a standard assumption that by not going to paramedic school, EMT's are inferior not just in medical knowledge, but also apparently in motivation and intelligence.

I have not gone to Paramedic school--not because I don't have the mental capacity, but because between my 5 years of military service, bachelors degree in engineering, masters degree in engineering, and extensive self-study of anatomy, physiology, and histology, I haven't had the time to swing through an associates-level course in paramedicine.

So many of you proclaim the necessity of education, yet are stuck at an education level comparable to the 19 year olds I teach every single day. I am proud of what I do as a volunteer EMT when I can escape from the military for a few hours, and I am continuously awed by the competency and compassion of the volunteers I work with--Emergency Medical Technicians whose competency stems not from time spent with a half-informed book on paramedicine, but from time running shift after thankless shift.

I care little what your responses will be. I only wish to say, once-and-for-all, that the elitist, hifalutin attitudes by (some, not all) paramedics on this board are destructive, uncalled for, and laughable.


-Sickofit.
 
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