Funny one liners you've said to overheard to a patient

Just recently had a DFO drunk chick. We were transporting her in c-spine when she got all hysterical and started howling about how she was needle phobic and didn't want me to start an IV. I used my man voice and told her we can make this hurt a little, or a lot. She didn't even flinch as I dropped an 18 in her Left hand.

So, I tell her "well, it looks like I cured you phobia" My preceptor liked that one.
 
creative_soul said:
Thanks to everyone who shared, I got many good laughs from this thread. I just started basic school and have not gone on any runs yet. It is nice to see the lighter side of the job. Now I know how most of you stay (almost) sane!:P
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Almost sane? You insult me, there's not a single sane bone in my body!
 
Sapphyre said:
Almost sane? You insult me, there's not a single sane bone in my body!
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i agree, i don't know a sane person that works in this field....except maybe rookies.
 
I had a pt from a MVC. No injuries, just freaked out. He asked me why he felt so hot. I told him it was June in South Georgia, everyone is hot. He thought about it and agreed. Not the best one liner, but its all I got for now.
 
We had a homeless patient who had claimed to have been raped by multiple people, as listed below -

Me: (palpating the abdomen) Tell me if it hurts okay?
Patient: OW!
Me: (palpating LLQ) Here?
Patient: That's where Obama raped me!
Me: Obama?
Patient: George Bush!
Me: Bush?
Patient: And Tom Cruise!
Me: Uhhh
Patient: And the EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF WILSHIRE BOULEVARD!
Partner: JESUS THE WHOLE STREET?
 
I personally get furious at punitive treatments, but this EMT is a funny dude.

This guy and his partner bring in a methed up, boozed up bozo, combative and having lost his fight(s) - BTW - we had 3 rigs dispatched to this same address.. they all looked about the same.

Newbie ED Nurse in disbelieve: "Is that a 14 gauge in his arm?
EMT: "yep - it's therapeutic"
Newbie Nurse: "why on earth would you use a 14 in this patient?"
EMT: "cause we didn't have a 10 or a 12"


Same guy - picked up a 22 year old with pseudo seizures. Kid's rhythm strip shows a huge BBB, thus the standard chest pain question. Patient is in no signs of distress. It's 3 am

Me: "are you having any pain in your chest?"
Patient: (takes a pause from gum chewing and texting) "oh yeah"
Me: "if 0 is no pain at all and 10 is the worst pain you can imagine, what is a number for you pain now?"
Patient: oh its a 10
EMT: (breaks in) Really? a 10 out of 10?
Patient: "yep"
EMT: "look - a kick in the nuts is a 10/10. Is this like a kick in the nuts"
Patient: "yep - its like a kick in the nuts"
EMT: (throws up hands) "well, I guess its a 10"

Later at the station, I gave him a doctored copy of the assessment algorithm with "how does it compare to a kick in the nuts" in the pain section
 
These have to be the funniest things I have heard! Some of them , I almost fell out of my chair ! Too funny ! Thanks so much for those who posted :)
 
one of our crews had a Hosp to ECF transport with an older woman. The EMT that went to check out the Pt is a chubby 20 y/o, real quite, soft spoken, and generally nice guy. He goes in: (not sure what exactly was said, so i'll just put when i know was said)

PT: what do you want fatty?

PT: HELP! I'M BEING INVADED BY FAT A**ES!

EMT(Getting LOC): Ma'am, can you tell me what the year is?
PT: It's the year of you're a fat jerk!
EMT: why are you so mean to me?

the same guy had another Pt threaten him with "I'm gonna pee on you! I'm Gonna pee on you!!" i thought it was funny, i wish i worked with him so i had my own stories about him...
 
"are you sure this isn't just your period?"
 
I am the king of putting my foot in my mouth especially when I am over tired. I come out with some zingers. :)
 
I once had a male newbie make the same "Are you sure this isn't your normal period?" comment on the OMG-blood-everywhere type of vaginal hemorrhage call. My other partner replied with "Ya know, we survive our periods..."

A particularly satisfying moment from the other night:
Abusive boyfriend: "But officer, I was scared she might fall on the ice if I let her leave."
Cop: "If you don't shut up and get your hands up right now, you're gonna be the one falling on the ice."
 
not really quite sure where to put this one.....heard it on the radio yesterday.

EMS was responding to an allergic reaction of a girl who was stung in the neck twice by wasps. (its the middle of winter well it feels like it at least where the wasps are coming from who knows) anyway, EMS asked fire personnel on scene how the pt was doing. to which they say "pt is CA&O. gave herself an epi pen to the finger"
EMS: "hows her breathing?"
Fire: "just fine shes talkin on the phone with her boyfriend and smoking a cigarette."


LMAO i just love it
 
She put the Epi-pen /where/? :) In her finger? That'd hit bone, I think.
 
ha ha ha thats what they said.....but i must admit where this call happened was in hoosier-ville missouri. so an epi pen to the finger really wouldnt surprise me.
 
Seaglass said:
I once had a male newbie make the same "Are you sure this isn't your normal period?" comment on the OMG-blood-everywhere type of vaginal hemorrhage call. My other partner replied with "Ya know, we survive our periods..."

A particularly satisfying moment from the other night:
Abusive boyfriend: "But officer, I was scared she might fall on the ice if I let her leave."
Cop: "If you don't shut up and get your hands up right now, you're gonna be the one falling on the ice."
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LOL its true... we do survive them. How? sometimes I dont know !
 
Ive got a couple.. im sure if i thought about it long enough i could think of some more.

Usually when i bring people out of the ambulance.. i tell people.. "dont worry, I wont drop you... i promised the boss i wouldnt anymore"

I was on a call recently where an overprotective mother called 911 insisting her adult (20something) son had some vague disease. She kept droning on using various medical terms... so i stopped and asked her.. "ma'am are you an RN or a doctor?"

To which her son replies.. "yeah.. from the google school of medicine"


One of my favorites... a guy in his late 20's tells me he is scared of needles... so i ask him.. well do you have any tattoos...

He lifts up his shirt.. and is literally COVERED in them...



After a very long day and night of running 911 calls... we get a call for a patient who has "trouble breathing" ... this is a patient who is well known to EMS as a frequent flyer... and usually turns out to be a lot of bull:censored::censored::censored::censored:.

Well.. we unhooked his oxygen and he didnt notice for several minutes... when he finally noticed he started freaking out.. screaming "im not getting any oxygen"... so i hooked him back up to the oxygen tank but didnt turn it on.. he asks me in a panic... "am i getting oxygen now??"
"yup" i replied.. "21%"
He didnt get it.. but the ER doc was rolling on the floor...


if i come up with any others.. i'll chime back in ;-)
 
Usually when i bring people out of the ambulance.. i tell people.. "dont worry, I wont drop you... i promised the boss i wouldnt anymore"
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If I'm in a good mood I get the patient to sign by telling them "Can I get you to sign here? This is our permission to transport and bill your insurance, it's basically saying we're not kidnapping you. They frown on that."

The release of liability for a passenger "This basically says you wont sue if we crash, but don't worry, they told us if we wreck another ambulance we're fired so we'll be extra careful!"

and the nurse to sign off that she recieved paperwork/patient "Can you sign here? This says you recieved the paperwork and we didn't drop the patient off the corner."
 
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