Funny one liners you've said to overheard to a patient

jordanfstop

Forum Lieutenant
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Said by one of the medics regarding a patient who frequently calls us asking for albuterol treatment and then refuses transport.

"The quicker you sign this piece of paper, the quicker I can get back to sleep."
 
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MRE

Forum Captain
312
9
18
Pt crashed car into telephone pole, car had front and side curtain airbags. One of the EMT's commented to the guy:

"No wonder you crashed, you had the curtains down"
 

firecoins

IFT Puppet
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patient "you think I am crazy"

myself "No! I think your drunk!"



you had to be there.
 

mikeylikesit

Candy Striper
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I don't want your treatment, i just need to get to the hospital"
Me: "taxis are a lot cheaper you know."
 

BossyCow

Forum Deputy Chief
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Heard from a trooper who was talking to a rather inebriated driver who just crashed into another vehicle....

The law says you are responsible to make sure the way is clear before entering the highway... judging by the looks of that car... I'm going to guess that it wasn't.
 

mikeylikesit

Candy Striper
906
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one of the guys who just got on as i was leaving today told me this one.
he got a called out to a medical emergency involving a child with unknown causes. when he got there and looked at the child the mother says "i don't know whats wrong with him but he never quiets down...is there anything you can do to make him quiet?" the medic goes into the truck and arrives back with a pair of foam ear plugs and says. "this outta do it"
 

MMiz

I put the M in EMTLife
Community Leader
5,183
225
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During one of my first calls I once told a patient to "Elevate it above your head" for a nosebleed. Yeah, I never lived that one down.
 

mycrofft

Still crazy but elsewhere
11,322
44
48
To a 100 year old return-customer wheelchair van pt

"Hey, Mabel..you wanna go r-e-e-eal fast?".
She laughed. We didn't.
 

emtskibum

Forum Probie
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Said by a Female tech to a Drunk patient that had a shirt with the "Woody" station wagons on it.

"Look, you have a woody!"
 

mikeylikesit

Candy Striper
906
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i was thinking about this last night while working, i had a patient who called and said that he had an emergency involving a bug. so first thing i think of is allergic reaction. we get there and he's sitting there on the couch with his daughter and i ask what the problem is. he say " I swallowed a big fly" i repeated what he said to make sure. he said "yeah i swollowed a fly what do we do?" i quickly responded with "well don't swallow a spider to catch the fly". he didn't get it but his daughter got a chuckle out of it.
 

akflightmedic

Forum Deputy Chief
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Nice topic.

Way too many to list....

One in particular, had a patient call for chest pains. He was a large man sitting in his armchair not looking well. I asked him if he thought he could stand up, pivot and sit on the stretcher.

As he leaned forward to stand, he made the most awful face and then collapsed in cardiac arrest.

I shrugged my shoulders and said "guess thats a no".
 

DT4EMS

Kip Teitsort, Founder
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Trooper to medic on MVA scene: How's he doing?

Medic replies: "grab the phone book.......... and scratch his name out........."
 

MSDeltaFlt

Forum Deputy Chief
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30
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A Blind passenger, who lost his prosthetic eyes during a rollover MVC with ejection, asked me, "Hey, have you seen my eyes?"

"Dude, you don't have any eyes."

"Yes I do. I got prosthetic eyes."

"Well, they're probably in a ditch back there somewhere. We ain't got 'em."
 

Anomalous

Forum Lieutenant
241
0
16
At a single vehicle tractor-trailer rollover:

State Police Officer- "What happened here?"

Truck driver- "I don't know. It looked like this when I woke up."
 

Foxbat

Forum Captain
377
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I asked a pt. once to "give me a finger" (so I could put a pulse-ox sensor on it). She laughed.
 

Alexakat

Forum Lieutenant
149
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I like when new EMTs are getting a blood sugar & they say "You're gonna feel a little pr!ck"
LOL!
 

gradygirl

TROUBLE
626
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One of my friends at an MVC with brain matter on the scene...

"Ooooo, look, it's first grade!"

Me on the scene of a "stabbing". The patient moved his shirt from the wound and all I saw was intestine...

"Uh oh..."
 

firecoins

IFT Puppet
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I asked a pt. once to "give me a finger" (so I could put a pulse-ox sensor on it). She laughed.
I tell patients to "give me the finger" on purpose. Its my attempt to get a laugh. It doesn't work but the attampt is there.
 

RESQ_5_1

Forum Lieutenant
226
2
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First code I ran was as an EMT-B in CA with AMR. I had only been on with them for about 3 months. I was working with another EMT-B I went thru orientation with. We actually got on scene before Paramedics (which almost never happens). We get to our patient who is lying left recumbant and unresponsive. I rolled him to his back to check for a pulse and notice a black liquid running from the corner of his mouth. As soon as I saw it I said, "Oh! That's not good." My partner asks me his status and I reply "Full Arrest". He comes into the room and says to me with a half grin on his face, "Oh! That's not good". Luckily the family members just outside the bedroom where he was when I said that didn't speak any english. Which of course made it a little more difficult to find out what actually happened prior to his coding.
 
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