Funny one liners you've said to overheard to a patient

These weren't said to a patient but are still hilarious...

At my company we have to arrive 30 min prior to start of shift to prep our trucks and are expected be available for a call precisely at our start of shift time. If we voice over available status after our SOS time we have to give a late code. One of our primaries voiced over available status one morning about 5 minutes late. Dispatch promptly asked for his late code to which he replied, "pure lack of motivation." Dispatch keyed up to acknowledge but was laughing so hard they couldn't.

I got dispatched to a Pr 2 sick person around 0200 one shift. There was a trainee in dispatch and she advised us that the pt was a 70 yo f with violent coughing and that we needed to use resp precautions. My partner loves to tease new guys and responded, "Received. Do we need to stage??" Dispatch keyed up and fumbled around for a minute before finally responding between exasperated breaths, "uh,....no." We laughed for hours.
 
Arrived onscene for a 20 / F complaining of an allergic reaction to peanuts. She was waiting for us in a lounge area with her boyfriend. I'm going through the usual questions (most serious reaction was some hives), making sure there isn't a reason to worry about airway compromise.

Me: How long ago did you eat the peanuts?
Pt: I didn't.

I stopped myself just short of asking her when her last oral intake was.
 
spinnakr said:
Arrived onscene for a 20 / F complaining of an allergic reaction to peanuts. She was waiting for us in a lounge area with her boyfriend. I'm going through the usual questions (most serious reaction was some hives), making sure there isn't a reason to worry about airway compromise.

Me: How long ago did you eat the peanuts?
Pt: I didn't.

I stopped myself just short of asking her when her last oral intake was.
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That's actually not all that uncommon. Plenty of people can have reactions to rather small amounts. There was some story all over the news about a girl who died of this a year or two ago, if I remember right.
 
Seaglass said:
That's actually not all that uncommon. Plenty of people can have reactions to rather small amounts. There was some story all over the news about a girl who died of this a year or two ago, if I remember right.
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Doesn't surprise me at all - but it was more of a "have to be there" type thing I suppose. At any rate, I had to stop mid-sentence with the oral intake question...
 
spinnakr said:
Doesn't surprise me at all - but it was more of a "have to be there" type thing I suppose. At any rate, I had to stop mid-sentence with the oral intake question...
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Yeah, it would make for a very awkward scene. But why'd you stop the question? She could've had something since, I imagine, unless it was a really quick reaction and you have really short response times...
 
Seaglass said:
Yeah, it would make for a very awkward scene. But why'd you stop the question? She could've had something since, I imagine, unless it was a really quick reaction and you have really short response times...
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I stopped because I had to rephrase ;)
 
This may be a stupid question, but do patients ever get pissed off or upset and sue or anything at some of these one liners?

Or do they find it humerous? I don't want to try to joke with them then get fired which is why I'm asking
 
I think the key is to use discretion. Some people would certainly get pissed. Others would be amused. It depends on the patient.
 
Had a dispatcher send me to post on the north side of Indy; about 12 miles from our station.
Approx 2 min later they dispatched us emergent to the hand hospital there. I marked clear and enroute from 3 blocks north of our station.
The dispatcher got on the radio upset at us, because we were posted in that area, and we should have been there. I told her that we had only been posted there 2 min earlier, and it took us awhile to get there.
She got upset again: so I finally told her that "my transported is broken today, and we actually have to DRIVE there" got in trouble for that one, but supervisor couldn't keep a straight face while he was talking to me, so I wasn't worried about it too much.
 
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Was dispatched out to an elderly man with a laceration of his male member. Got there to find him "involved" with a vacuum cleaner. Trying to be polite and not embarass the gentlemen I asked, "what's the problem here?" The gentlemen looking at me totally straight faced answered, "This thing sucked"...Yeah - my response :blush:
 
Fire days

Had a lady who continuously kept calling us regarding her cat that climbed a tree and refused to come down for days. She called out station multiple times one day (after day 3 of it being up there) begging our chief to dispatch a truck out to get it. We were extremely busy that day with fire being used to provide first response for EMS runs until the ambulances could show up to transport. Finally we all got back in and the chief highly amused by her continuous calls put her on speaker phone in the day room this was the discussion :

Lady My cat is still stuck up in the tree can you please come get it down?

Chief No ma'am. We are extremely busy today and our resources are not available. You may want to try animal control.

Lady You told me that last time, and they said to call you. They won't come get it.

Chief I'm truly sorry, but we can't come get it down.

Lady But it's been up there three days ! It might starve to death !

Chief Lady - have you ever seen a cat skeleton up in a tree?

Lady Well, um no, but what if he dies?

Chief Then we'll call the coroner and send it to the funeral home of your choice

Lady hung up and never called our station again. Our chief got kudos for that conversation from us !
 
Racetrack fun

Made a run several years ago on a gentleman that coded while at the racetrack. When we showed up his friend informed us that he'd won several small amounts that day and thought he'd make a bigger win.

Friend We came today because he said it was his lucky day - he's been saying that all day

Me Well, I don't think he'll be saying that anymore - I think his luck just ran out.:unsure:
 
I have been to the same house 3 times now for a 60-something male choking. All 3 times, we arrived within 5 minutes, but the son performed the Heimlich and the pt. was ok. The first time we transported him after he choked on steak and they actually did a bronchoscopy and some other things. The second time he choked on chicken stir fry and he was ok and didn't want to go to the hospital and signed a refusal. The third time... coincidently it was on my shift AGAIN.. I knew him by name now.

I walked in and said, "Mr. Smith, were you choking again?"

"Yes," he replied, "My son got it up again. I feel ok... I don't want to go in. I promise I'll call my doctor about it."

"Ok..what did you choke on this time?"

"Pork Roast."

I replied, "Jim, I think you need to become a vegetarian."

(His son and wife bursted out laughing, as did Jim. Poor guy always chokin on his food!)
 
SammyGirlMedic said:
I have been to the same house 3 times now for a 60-something male choking. All 3 times, we arrived within 5 minutes, but the son performed the Heimlich and the pt. was ok. The first time we transported him after he choked on steak and they actually did a bronchoscopy and some other things. The second time he choked on chicken stir fry and he was ok and didn't want to go to the hospital and signed a refusal. The third time... coincidently it was on my shift AGAIN.. I knew him by name now.

I walked in and said, "Mr. Smith, were you choking again?"

"Yes," he replied, "My son got it up again. I feel ok... I don't want to go in. I promise I'll call my doctor about it."

"Ok..what did you choke on this time?"

"Pork Roast."

I replied, "Jim, I think you need to become a vegetarian."

(His son and wife bursted out laughing, as did Jim. Poor guy always chokin on his food!)
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That's awesome! I think I would have said that too
 
Said by my boarded intoxicated driver pt: "Of course I was wearing my seatbelt. What do you think, I'm an idiot?"

Me: "No, I dont think you're an idiot. I mean, you want to be as safe as possible while driving drunk!"
 
While cutting off a young male's jeans and boxers due to possible pelvis fracture-
"Do you have to cut off my jeans?"
"I'm sorry sir, I really am, but I have to be able to examine your pelvis."
"But do you reallllllllly have to? Can't I just take them off?" (This is said between howls of pain at the slightest palpation)
My partner jumps in, "Don't worry, she's seen more than a prostitute."
Patient: " .... :-O "
15 minutes later a very red male in his 20s arrived in the ER with a large blanket covering him. :P
 
Kaisu said:
Doctor to elderly female as he attempts to listen to lungs - "Big breaths"
Patient : they used to be...
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Or...
(to a sweet 16 yr old with a lisp)
'Big breaths'
'Yeth and I'm only thixteen'
 
Emergency Pt: Just kill me and get it over with.
Me: Sir if I was trying to kill you I wouldn't be giving you oxygen.
 
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