Funny one liners you've said to overheard to a patient

Alexakat said:
I like when new EMTs are getting a blood sugar & they say "You're gonna feel a little pr!ck"
LOL!
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That's sooo funny. I've said that to all my patients so far! Now I'm gonna have to say it just too laugh!
 
Pt was literally fall down drunk.
We get on scene, pt is covered with vomit, laying down on the steps in front of his house.
Me: Sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?
Pt: Not sure....I quit counting after 6, and the shots don't count do they?
Me: Shots count.
Pt: Still not sure.... prolly closer to 12 or 20. But I threw up about 10 of them.
At this point he vomits again

My partner: Make that 2 more. He keeps this up he'll be sober and dancing up the steps.

PT's wife: Then you'd take him to the ER with a broken neck. I'm sick of him pulling this $hit.

(after typing this, it doesn't seem too funny, but at 0300, it was hilarious.
 
Call comes out as unknown emergency, female laying prone in her front yard unconscious. SO arrives on scene and advises us that it appears to be some kind of diabetic emergency. AOS to find a female in her 40's laying left lateral recumbent. SO states she was vomiting so he rolled her on her side. She smells of ETOH and SO deputy states there is an empty bottle of Jim Beam just inside the residence. Get pt up and in the ambulance and she becomes very hyper verbal and starts trying to hit my female partner. We ended up restraining her for her safety and ours. Heres how the conversation played out afterwards.

Pt: You :censored::censored::censored::censored::censored:, you dirty :censored::censored::censored::censored::censored:!! (speaking to my female partner)
Paramedic: Well hunny everybody has to have a hobby...


I about died... :rofl:
 
DISPATCH: Unit 23 respond to (address) for a 6YOM who bumped his head on the dresser.

Unit 23: Copy dispatch, enroute to (address) for a boo boo.
 
Out of the mouths of babes... I love the brutal honesty of kids!

CERT medical operations practical yesterday.

5 or 6 y/o girl comes walking up to me. Points to large moulage gash on her forehead. "I have an owie on my head. It hurts!"
Me: "How does it feel? Is it a big hurt or a little hurt?"
Girl: *squints her eyes and gives me this look like 'Why do adults ask such obvious questions?'* "It feels like I have a hole in my head."
Me: :lol: "Okay, fair enough! Good answer! Why don't you come over here with me, and I'll fix it for you."
 
The call was a LOLFDGB in an apartment complex that is entirely elderly populated. I am un-hooking the pieces of the scoop, with a FF getting vitals.

LOL: did you guys have to leave the trucks running/use the sirens all the way here/walk so loud? My neighbors will get woken up.
FF: do your neighbors like you?
LOL: WTF?
FF: If your neighbors like you, they'll get over it. If they don't, then screw 'em.
LOL: I never heard it explained that way before.

Mind you, this was a fairly frequent flier that we knew would get a kick out of it
 
I had a guy who claimed to have a seizure at a Jack in the crack but was just out of his mind. He had a butter knife in his back pocket that my partner took out right as I got there. He starts yelling And cussing telling us not to steal from him. Then He made this threat to her

" I will buy you ice cubes in hell, make you watch them evaporate And laugh in your face!"
 
Religious 5150 call to psych hospital

Pt: do you know the Ten Commandments boy
Me: yes mam commandment number 1 thou shall get thy :censored: on this gurney rite now
 
Lift assist at 0130

ME: how long have you been on the floor
PT: 4 or so hours
ME: would you like us to put you to bed or in your chair
PT: to bed
ME: OK, but before we do, have you had anything to drink lately?
PT: Hell No! I don't drink!

Due to the hour, my partner and I looked at each other for a sec, then started to laugh. The other guys over hearing this, were already laughing.
 
State Trooper and Heroin using pt on College Campus

ST: Where do you keep your drugs?
PT: Nahh man, I don't do that stuff.
ST: Ok, but hypothetically, if you were to do drugs, where would you keep them?
PT: Oh, probably over in [location].
ST: Ok, ok. And where do you get the drugs from?
PT: What? Nahh, I don't do drugs, I don't buy stuff nahh.
ST: Well, but hypothetically if you did drugs, you would have to get them from somewhere. So hypothetically, where would that be?
PT: Oh, well, hypothetically I'd probably buy them from [person]


The "hypothetical" gets them every time...
 
Not really a one liner type situation but pretty much we were called to a party a cop had just busted up. Found an ETOH F about 16 or 17 laying prone on the cement after one of her friends had dropped her in an attempt to escape. She was completely out of it, I recall we asked her 'What planet are you currently on' a few moments of silence went by and she looked at us very confused and her reply was 'F**K you nigga'.

it was quite a fun ride to the hospital as she deluded that I was her boyfriend. So in between trying to assault me, she would just hysterically cry and say 'Babe please get me out of here' or again say 'F*** you nigga'.
 
Responding a rather large women unconscious with difficulty breathing as a ride along

Female medic: ok she has a gag reflex go to the NP
Me: which one mam?
Female medic: whip out the biggest one lube it up and just ram it in
Me: I'm sorry this is my first time I've never done this before
The captain was trying his hardest not to burst out laughing: it's ok son we've all been there
 
This wasnt to a patient. But another EMT was whining about how long and expensive Paramedic school was, so I told him maybe you can find someone who offers an EMT to Paramedic Bridge course.
 
In class a (good looking) female student was assessing me and I said "remember to check for priapism"
 
I told one she could keep her emesis bag as a parting gift, thanks for playing.

My partner called someone who had parked in the ambulance bay a jackass. My pt, a pregnant woman >20wks said "he's not talking about my husband is he!?" (with some concern about his rudeness), I say no he's talking about another jackass, and she broke out laughing.

Well it was funny to me...
 
I had a first-on-scene where a nursing home patient fell out of a wheelchair. When a nurse asked how he fell, the medic simply replied, "I think it was by gravity."
 
MMiz said:
During one of my first calls I once told a patient to "Elevate it above your head" for a nosebleed. Yeah, I never lived that one down.
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I just have to say.. Good lord you have a lot of posts! Haha
 
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