Funny one liners you've said to overheard to a patient

I was taking a patient back to her room from ultrasound once... it was late in the day. I tend to have selective hearing... she asked me... so what's the verdict, do I have cancer.....I nonchalantly said...... Yup...... she was like OMG!!......i quickly realized what she said and back tracked.... said no..... then realized that was wrong cause she might..... then told her her doctor only knows that......

I learned that day to always listen to what patients are saying....
 
After putting a 450 lb patient into the back of the bus, my partner looks at the patient and says "I have two words for you...Jenny Craig!" I about died right there.
 
Rick Tresnak said:
After putting a 450 lb patient into the back of the bus, my partner looks at the patient and says "I have two words for you...Jenny Craig!" I about died right there.
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I'd have had some serious words with my partner after that call.

We're not here to judge or make rude comments.

I'd be lying if I said jokes like this weren't made between myself and my partner in the privacy of the rig but never, ever to a patient's face.
 
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So, I finally got one of these the other day

I work for a private out of Chicago, so we don't do much other than patient transport. We were taking someone out of Critical Care, a homeless woman with a history of ETOH abuse. I'm doing the paperwork, partner's checking out the patient with the nurse.

When he comes out, he gives me the necessary stats (v/ts, A&O, etc.). After all that, I ask him "Can she walk," since we need to know both for ourselves and the report. Before he gets a chance to answer, I chime back in.

"History of falls?"




Oh, and that same day, I asked a nurse if another patient was STILL schizophrenic >.<
 
On the back half of a very busy 24 hour shift we get woken up early in the morning for a lady with chest pain at a dialysis center. The notes in the CAD system tell us the patient is a bilateral BKA along with other medical history.

After I get done assessing the patient my EMT and medic partners ask the patient if she is able to walk to our gurney. I give them a death stare and say BKA but it wasn't clicking in their heads at the time. Luckily the patient was very understanding and said "I haven't been able to walk for several years now".
 
DesertEMT66 said:
On the back half of a very busy 24 hour shift we get woken up early in the morning for a lady with chest pain at a dialysis center. The notes in the CAD system tell us the patient is a bilateral BKA along with other medical history.

After I get done assessing the patient my EMT and medic partners ask the patient if she is able to walk to our gurney. I give them a death stare and say BKA but it wasn't clicking in their heads at the time. Luckily the patient was very understanding and said "I haven't been able to walk for several years now".
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Reminds me of times of trying to inform nurses of patients being SI. Naturally we have different protocols for patient management if they are SI versus not, so it can be a game of acronyms and nudges until the attending nurse "gets it".
 
Trying to convince a violent geri psych to come to the hospital with us. She's not having any of it.

Partner: "You have two options, and both of them involve going to the hospital: either you can hop on the stretcher and come politely, or we can tie you to the stretcher."
Patient: "Hah! That'll be the day"
Partner fires back without thinking first: "I'm sorry but I think it might be that day..."

I guess maybe you had to be there, but I thought it was pretty hilarious.
 
Back in the late 80s during a medical call I assisted on, I overheard an EMT-3, who assessed and listened to a guy who attempted to cut his wrists again in a failed suicide attempt tell him that he whenever he gets upset he does that and has been attempting since leaving NY, with attempts in Pennsylvania, DC, Florida, Colorado, California (his girlfriend interjected "Don't forget Nevada"), etc. Looking at the guy's wrists, the medic, without missing a beat, asked "Have you tried Iowa?"
 
(Even newer than the newbie I am today, frantically collecting a history from the chest pain patient).

"Sorry, which organ was it you said you had problems with? Liver or kidney?"

:oops:
 
I had a partner who was talking to a pt that had just finished dialysis and we were transporting home who ask the pt, "So, do you feel clean now?"
 
This one time while loading a 300 lb woman for CP and with a history of CHF and Cardiac arrest; patient asked "So is their any way we can stop by Mcdonalds?". My parter mumbles "Someone wants another heart attack", i laughed, she didn't. Still cracks me up till this day! haha
 
When moving a pt from gunnery to bed......... "Would you like us to help you move across, or can you do in your own? We do charge per pound."
 
This one isn't regarding a patient, but it was during the intubation of a patient...so it counts.

A difficulty breathing comes into the ER and the resident steps up to get the intubation. He is having a difficult time getting the view and steps out. Attending says one of us from the flight crew can step up if we like (we were based in the ER.) You don't have to ask me twice, I am at the head before the attending can finish his sentence.

I position myself and am getting my view, and this resident is in my ear and just keeps repeating "he is really anterior, so watch out...his airway is just so anterior, make sure you get a good view, because his airway is so anterior..." and just keeps going on about how anterior this persons trachea is. At this point I am not sure if he is trying to save face or just trolling me.

I get a view and complete the intubation. Not a big deal, the resident is a PGY-1 and doesn't have a ton of experience, so it isn't the worst thing in the world for him to step aside. Happens all the time.

I secure the tube and he comes up to me and says, "How did you get that tube, I mean the guy was so anterior." At this point I am thinking, please say "anterior" one more time....

I look at him and say, "Every airway I have ever seen is anterior. That is where the trachea lives, right there in front of the esophagus. If the trachea is ever NOT anterior, you either have the patient prone, or need to get a second opinion urgently..."

The attending overhears this and says, "He [me] brings up a valid point. Lets see if we can find you an airway head to take home for the day."
 
Jaybro713 said:
Today I ran a code in the freezing cold. Pt found by neighbors outside unresponsive. We quickly moved the pt to the back of the truck and I was doing compressions. My partner immediately started cutting off the guy's jacket when she made it about a foot up the sleeve she realized it was down-feather jacket. The entire back of the ambulance filled with feathers.

The medics arrive a couple minutes later and open the back door. The first medic walks in and says "who killed the duck?" I almost fell from laughing so hard.
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Best one by far. Almost broke my keyboard from slamming my fist laughing
 
We were returning a patient to her residence. It's getting close to end of shift. She is a large woman so we have two units with us per company protocol. She has a lift up to her back porch. We all get crammed onto this porch. It's dark and we are tired. She hands my partner her house keys.

Partner "Which key is it"
Patient "The green one"
Partner "Ma'am it's dark, which of these damn keys opens the door."
Patient "The green key"
So my partner starts trying keys at the door and none are working.
Partner "I can't find the f***ing green key"

Everyone including the patient breaks down laughing.
 
Pt who was having a panic attack asked a guy in my unit if he was having a heart attack. Our guys says, "Well, thats not out of the realm of possibility." Didnt help the panic attack. He wasn't having a heart attack.
 
I made a statement to a 7 month old patient after a 911 call for seizures "well I guess you won't be able to sign my paperwork". My EMT said "did you really just say that?"

I have started creating a lit of things said by patients, EMS, Fire, PD, and by the hospital staff. Sadly there is very little of that list I can share here haha
 
Nurse goes to place foley catheter in comatose-at-baseline patient, discovers he is very well endowed: "what a waste".
 
Medic to EMT in the midst of buckling in a trauma patient: "You have adipose on your face.. Wait! I'm not saying you have a fat face or anything, you're not fat.. I mean it's like some got flicked up there."
 
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