# Rules Of EMS



## jediwill (Jul 14, 2011)

I found this on another site...thought id share.


The First Law of EMS:
All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, regardless of the time.

The EMS Law of Gravity:
Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.

The EMS Law of Time and Distance:
The distance of the call from the hospital increases as the time to shift change decreases.

Corollary 1 - The shortest distance between the
station and the scene is under construction.

The EMS Rule of Random Simultaneity:
Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once.

The Axiom of Late-Night Runs:
If you respond to any motor vehicle accident call after midnight and do not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking - somebody is still missing.

The EMS Law of Options:
Any patient, when given the option of either going to jail or going to the hospital by a police officer, will always be inside the ambulance before you are.

EMS Rules of the Bathroom:
A. If a call is received between 0500 and 0700, the location of the
call will always be in the bathroom.
B. If you have just gone to the bathroom, no call will be received.
C. If you have not just gone to the bathroom, you will soon regret it,
because the probability of receiving a run increases proportionally to
the time elapsed since last going to the bathroom.

The First Principle of Triage:
In any accident, the degree of injury suffered by a patient is
inversely proportional to the amount and volume of agonized screaming
produced by that patient.

The Gross Injury Rule:
Any injury, the sight of which makes you sick, should immediately be
covered by 4x4s and Kerlix.

The EMS Law of Light:
As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of
light to examine that injury decreases.

The EMS Law of Space:
The amount of space which is needed to work on a patient varies
inversely with the amount of space which is available to work on that patient.

The EMS Theory of Relativity:
The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding any
given patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of the
patient's illness or injury.

The EMS Theory of Weight:
The weight of the patient that you are about to transport increases by
the square of the sum of the number of floors which must be ascended to
reach the patient plus the number of floors which must be descended
while carrying the patient.
Corollary 1 - Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations
which are furthest from sea level.
Corollary 2 - If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the
lights in the stairwell are out.

The EMS Rules of No-Transport:
A Life-or-Death situation will immediately be created by driving away
from the home of patient whom you have just advised to go to the
hospital in a private vehicle.

The First EMS Rule of Bystanders:
Any bystander who offers you help will give you none.

The Second EMS Rule of Bystanders:
Always assume that any Physician found at the scene of an emergency is
a Gynecologist, until proven otherwise.

The EMS Rule of Warning Devices:
Any ambulance, whether it is responding to a call or traveling to a
hospital, with lights and siren, will be totally ignored by all
motorists, pedestrians, and dogs which may be found in or near the
roads along its route.

The EMS Rule of Rules:
As soon as an EMS Rule is accepted as absolute, an
exception to that Rule will immediately occur.


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## ffemt8978 (Jul 14, 2011)

This has been posted here several times before.

Sent from my Android Tablet using Tapatalk


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## jediwill (Jul 14, 2011)

Sorry...I'm kinda new and looked in the humor section and didnt see it.


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## usafmedic45 (Jul 14, 2011)

Yeah...it's one of the oldest running jokes in EMS.


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## jediwill (Jul 14, 2011)

Well..seeing that I just got my Basic...that would explain why I havent heard it....*sobs* "I've been so deprived of a decent education in EMS humor"


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## STXmedic (Jul 14, 2011)

jediwill said:


> Well..seeing that I just got my Basic...that would explain why I havent heard it....*sobs* "I've been so deprived of a decent education in EMS humor"



*pats back* In time young padawan....


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## jediwill (Jul 14, 2011)

Lol I'm actually kinda worried bout how my sense of humor will evolve with this career...I was pretty dark and dry humored to begin with.


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## usafmedic45 (Jul 14, 2011)

jediwill said:


> Lol I'm actually kinda worried bout how my sense of humor will evolve with this career...I was pretty dark and dry humored to begin with.


You're completely beyond screwed then.  Read over some of my posts and keep in mind that I used to never cuss and was considering becoming a minister when I got into this field.


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## jediwill (Jul 14, 2011)

Yeah...same here...in fact I was a minister and went to Bible college...but thats been a like 11 years ago...alots happened since then.


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## sirengirl (Jul 14, 2011)

There should be an addendum to the Theory of Weight: if you yourself are under 120lb, the weight of the patient will be inversely proportionate the smaller you actually are.


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## jediwill (Jul 14, 2011)

lol!


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## sirengirl (Jul 18, 2011)

Proposed addendum #2: The EMS Theory of Clean Uniforms-
If you have just washed your uniform the night before, you will get some kind of bodily fluid on it. If some part of your uniform is white, that part of your uniform will be the only part which gets blood on it. Immediately. Every time. No exceptions.


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## TransportJockey (Jul 18, 2011)

sirengirl said:


> Proposed addendum #2: The EMS Theory of Clean Uniforms-
> If you have just washed your uniform the night before, you will get some kind of bodily fluid on it. If some part of your uniform is white, that part of your uniform will be the only part which gets blood on it. Immediately. Every time. No exceptions.



Corolary to uniform rule: if you have a clean uniform in your locker or car, nothing will get on your uniform. The one day you forget your spare though... 

Sent from my PC36100 using Tapatalk


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## bigbaldguy (Jul 18, 2011)

usafmedic45 said:


> You're completely beyond screwed then.  Read over some of my posts and keep in mind that I used to never cuss and was considering becoming a minister when I got into this field.



I can see you as a minister. Kind of a tough love kill em if you can't save em old west type preacher.


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## ffemt8978 (Jul 18, 2011)

bigbaldguy said:


> I can see you as a minister. Kind of a tough love kill em if you can't save em old west type preacher.



Yep...matter of fact, I think this is a video of that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQKfxuXWXDw

Warning: NSFW language:rofl:


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## firetender (Jul 19, 2011)

jediwill said:


> Well..seeing that I just got my Basic...that would explain why I havent heard it....*sobs* "I've been so deprived of a decent education in EMS humor"


 
Stick around here long enough and like the rest of us, you'll be LOL a lot and half the time not know why!


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## RealMedic (Jul 29, 2011)

*For new EMS folks*

Paramedic/Life Rules
	Don't hurt yourself. 
	All bleeding eventually stops.                                                                             
	Don't lose your cool. 
	Everybody has to die sometime. 
	You can't hurt a dead man. 
	Don't get excited about blood loss-unless it's your own. 
	SEX isn't everything, but it's a hell-of-a-long-way ahead of anything that's second. 
	The patient will be all right if he is okay. 
	The pain will go away when it stops hurting. 
	Do what's right. 
	All fevers will eventually come back to normal on the way to room temperature. 
	There's always time sometime. 
	Common things are common. 
	Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. 
	If nothing has gone wrong, you've obviously don't understand the situation. 
	If you can keep your head among all this confusion, you obviously don't understand the situation. 
	Uncommon manifestations of common diseases are more common than are uncommon diseases. 
	It doesn't matter what you do as long as it's right. 
	WHY am I here? 
	It sure feels good when it quits a "hurtin." 
	It looks more like it does now than it did. 
	In medicine, always remember never to say always and never. 
	If you can't see it, it's probably not there. 
	Remember, "Toast always falls jelly-side down."  
	To be right is only half the battle; to convince the patient is more difficult. 
	Always do whatever you do best. 
	People will do anything they can get away with!
	Be excellent to each other!


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