# EMS and marriage



## medicp94dao (Jun 6, 2008)

So...... I have been married for about two years now. I am a former medic in the Army ( i was single then). My wife does not seem to understand that EMS is a 24/7/365 job, on top of that i have school and continuing education. I now work for a private service that provides ALS service to the surrounding community. My wife fully supports me in school and very happy I am doing what i love. The problem is she doesnt understand that i dont always get a full night sleep or that i cant call her all the time or be home at my scheduled time off. I was just wondering if any of you have similar stories or one more interesting.


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## Sapphyre (Jun 6, 2008)

I have experienced similar issues with my husband, and I'm not even out of basic school yet.  These issues are signs of stress.  BTW, EMS really shouldn't be 24/7/365.


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## piranah (Jun 6, 2008)

honestly...im sorry to disagree saph but..it really is......i feel if there is a accident or a "person down" i have a moral obligation to help....why?....because i can possibly save a life that might not be saved if i do not intervene......but thats my opinion.. but i respect yours saph..


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## Sapphyre (Jun 6, 2008)

Oh, Pir, I didn't say I wouldn't do something if I saw something happen, but, and especially around here, if you listen to a scanner, or even carry a two way radio programmed for any agencies frequencies, and aim to be there first, all you're gonna get is escorted from the scene, and, probably would loose your job.  

Got to maintain some balance, or not only is your spouse going to burnout and leave, but, eventually, you will too.

(hmmm, enough commas?)


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## ffemt8978 (Jun 6, 2008)

piranah said:


> honestly...im sorry to disagree saph but..it really is......i feel if there is a accident or a "person down" i have a moral obligation to help....why?....because i can possibly save a life that might not be saved if i do not intervene......but thats my opinion.. but i respect yours saph..



Your first moral obligation is to take care of yourself.  You're no good to patients if you're in worse shape then they are.  This is not the military, and it is NOT a 24/7 job.  You have to take time for yourself, or like sapph said, you'll burn out.  Even a volunteer squad doesn't expect a 24/7 response from every member, and paid agencies don't want to see you unless you're on duty.

That being said, EMS can be very stressful to a marriage.  At some point, each person will have to decide what is more important to them (their family or EMS) and make their choice accordingly.


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## Epi-do (Jun 6, 2008)

I am fortunate that my family is very understanding of late runs, and not always getting off shift on time.  If we have a busy night and I don't get much sleep, I am usually able to take a nap and my husband will look after our son.  Sometimes it just doesn't work out that way, but it isn't because he refuses to do it - it is most often due to other commitments he has made in advance.  On those days, I just try to catnap when ever I can, and go to bed early.

As for this being a 24/7/365 job, well, when I am off duty, I am just that - off duty.  I rarely stop at an accident scene.  Almost everyone has a cell phone these days, and help is just minutes away.  Now, I have helped an old lady to her feet after a fall, and made sure she was ok, or similar things, but that is something I would have done even if I had a different job.  EMS can't be your life 24/7/365.  Everyone needs down time away from the job, with people other than co-workers.  Maintaining a lifestyle where you eat, sleep, and breath any one thing, whether it is EMS or anything else, is not healthy.


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## enjoynz (Jun 6, 2008)

Try having both of you (Husband & wife) volunteer ambulance officers and a couple of kids! 
We are like ships that pass in the night sometimes. lol.
I'd dearly love to do more shifts but can only do 1 x 12 hour shift a week,
because hubbie works fulltime and the kids aren't quite old enough to be left on their own yet. 
Hubbie normally does a shift after his day at work.
We try to at least have one day as a family day, per week.

Prehaps you should try and leave one day a week, free for your spouse?

Cheers Enjoynz


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## mikeylikesit (Jun 6, 2008)

my girl is very understanding that i have to do 24 on then 25 stand-by folllowed by another 24 on. she doesn't mind the late night call, but when your young and don't have kids i guess it is a ton easier.


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## BossyCow (Jun 6, 2008)

I am a 26 year veteran of the EMS/Marriage wars. We raised two kids through medic school, volunteer time, working crap shifts for local transport company, student loans.......I think between the two of us, we've pretty much seen all EMS can do to a marriage. 

So, I speak with some authority when I say, EMS is just a job. You say that your wife doesn't understand that EMS is 24/7/365. You are wrong. Marriage is 24/7/365. EMS is just a shift, just isolated calls, and just for your working life. After you retire from EMS, after your back or your knees go, who's going to be there, hopefully it will be your wife. 

It doesn't matter if your job is EMS or selling real estate. You need to find balance between your job and your relationship. You need to be able to support both your career and your marriage. Knowing how to walk that fine line between being driven to succeed in your career and able to see 'success' as worthless without your partner by your side. 

I don't know if your wife is perhaps a bit too needy to be comfortable with the oddities of shift work. There are some who just can't deal with it. I don't know if you are an adrenalin junkie who has put your marriage on the back burner because EMS is more exciting. It doesn't matter who did what, because I'm guessing the real story is somewhere in the middle. The point is, if you want your marriage to last, you have to be working together and considering each other.


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## RESPONDA (Jun 7, 2008)

Like enjoynz said, we are like ships passing in the night.
It can be hard...very hard, especially when you want to catch up on the sleep you haven't had.
One really needs to come to a comprimise, without laying down the law. For example, saying, "Hey, I am doing my shift tonight, I will have a snooze for awhile when I get home, then how about we go and have an outing like a walk on the beach or the park?"
I went through a rough phase earlier this year, trying to find an equlibrium. I stood back and thought to myself, "I have to think about things here, I cannot turn back time. I have a job I love, and I have a wife and children who I love very much, and would be very lost without them. If I went home to an empty home now, I would be so lonely."
  I found that equilibrium with comprimise. I am happy and less stressed. My wife and children are happier because I am not grumpy due to lack of sleep.

Responda


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## Short Bus (Jun 14, 2008)

There is a little thing called AIDS.  Ambulance Induced Divorce Syndrome.  Don't contract the AIDS.  You need time for yourself and your fam.


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## LucidResq (Jun 14, 2008)

BossyCow said:


> So, I speak with some authority when I say, EMS is just a job. You say that your wife doesn't understand that EMS is 24/7/365. You are wrong. Marriage is 24/7/365. EMS is just a shift, just isolated calls, and just for your working life. After you retire from EMS, after your back or your knees go, who's going to be there, hopefully it will be your wife.



Bossy really hit the nail on the head. 

I just got out of a 3 year relationship. A lot of the core problems in our relationship, such as his jealousy, insecurity, neediness... my lack of affection and desire to be in a committed relationship... really came to the surface when I started doing SAR/EMS. The relationship was likely doomed from the start, but my work pushed it over the edge. 

What I'm saying is... sounds like there may be issues that need to be worked on that go deeper than your job. Yes, EMS is a career that can strain a relationship, but the better shape your relationship is in to begin with, the less likely it is that things are going to go sour.


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## Outbac1 (Jun 14, 2008)

Sounds to me that she is a little insecure about how all your time at work is spent. Marriage is a two way street. Full of give and take. Sometimes you give and sometimes you take. Some things are not worth fighting over. In the grand scheme of things they really are not that important. No one but you and your wife can decide what and who should give and take. Marriage is your full time job, EMS is not. You have to work on your marriage and sort out the underlying issues for there to be harmony in both marriage and work. I wish you both the best.


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## uselessmedic (Jun 16, 2008)

25 yrs in EMS, married for almost 22 yrs, during medic class my wife almost left me twice, during medic class I worked 2 full time jobs and went to class, clinicals not a lot of family time, but we worked through it. We had a son before I finished medic class which lead to many lost nights of sleep, but we worked through it.
          It took me 20 yrs to get off the weekend shifts, now my weekends are free for my family, so as you can see the marriage can last if you are willing to work through the problems.
           I still work 2 full time EMS jobs, but I take time for my family and even after 25 yrs in EMS I still get excited about working EMS because I don't do it 24/7/365.
           I hope this helps a little and I wrote a book here so forgive me.


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## mycrofft (Jun 18, 2008)

*Oh, Bossycow and Shortbus!! So right on!!*

Forget this "needy wife" thing!! You took marriage vows, your partner is your spouse not your ambulance partner. EMS, fire, law enforcement, nursing...absolutely littered with crippled and dead marriages because the responder can't prioritize. Without an anchor, whether it is marriage or not, you will go down under the unending demand for help and hours.


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## Medic9 (Jun 19, 2008)

Try being an Army spouse with kids also working as a full time medic. Everyone that said making your family priority is very correct. I have to make my family my priority. I try to spend as much time with my husband as I can while he is home. Those 15 month deployments are a pain. When I leave work my role as Medic is over until my next shift. Unless I am passing the scene on my way home or on my way to work I don't stop. 
To stay healthy mentally and physically you MUST have some down time. Its the only way you can be an effective provider for the patient.


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## Ridryder911 (Jun 19, 2008)

EMS is a job. I wished I had learned that earlier in life, instead of working two or three jobs, missing my daughters birthdays, anniversaries and now looking back at what might been; could have been. 

Remember... You can love EMS, but EMS will *never * love you. Unalike a real relationship, it can never give anything back or really be there for you. It takes more than it gives... Unfortunately, it is a powerful thing that have power over us and can make us loose our priorities sometimes. 

I know, I speak from experience..

R/r 911


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## daedalus (Jun 21, 2008)

piranah said:


> honestly...im sorry to disagree saph but..it really is......i feel if there is a accident or a "person down" i have a moral obligation to help....why?....because i can possibly save a life that might not be saved if i do not intervene......but thats my opinion.. but i respect yours saph..



Oh please  You must be joking right?


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## MMiz (Jun 21, 2008)

Life is all about priorities.  I struggle to prioritize, but understand it's absolutely essential to a happy life and relationship.  No matter how many times I sketch it out, family and my own personal health and happiness always _should_ come before EMS.

If you think that EMS is causing such tremendous strain on your marriage, you may want to evaluate your profession.  There will always be patients that _need_ you, bosses that _want_ you to work extra hours, and money that you _need_ to make, but is that what's best for you?

There is a reason why EMS is often seen as a stepping stone to another profession.  Very few of the people I worked with were married.  That's what comes with crazy hours and stress of the job.


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## karaya (Jun 21, 2008)

Looking back I realized that all four of my ex wives were during my tenure in EMS.  Should have figured that one out a long time ago!  They no longer have names, just numbers now.  Wife #1, wife #2, etc.


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## Ridryder911 (Jun 21, 2008)

karaya said:


> Looking back I realized that all four of my ex wives were during my tenure in EMS.  Should have figured that one out a long time ago!  They no longer have names, just numbers now.  Wife #1, wife #2, etc.



You too?... My mistake each was involved in EMS somehow, #1 RN/EMT/RT, #2 Paramedic, almost #3 Flight Nurse... So yeah, I guess I could blame EMS...


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## karaya (Jun 21, 2008)

Ridryder911 said:


> You too?... My mistake each was involved in EMS somehow, #1 RN/EMT/RT, #2 Paramedic, almost #3 Flight Nurse... So yeah, I guess I could blame EMS...


 
Interesting. With the exception of wife #4, none of my other exes had any involvement in EMS. I thought maybe of hooking up with someone in the industry, but with your experience Ridryder, I'll reconsider something else!

Actually I've had no time for a relationship. I've been single a dad raising my three now teenage daughters since wife #3 suddenly passed ten years ago. It's been a good experience and I've enjoyed raising my girls.

And the way I see it, a relationship would put a crimp on my photography work with the travel and all. Unless she too was a photographer? Hmmmm, something to think about!


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## mikeylikesit (Jun 21, 2008)

well I'm still on wife #1...but when your 21 and have only been married for less than i year i don't think that it is any comparison.


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## karaya (Jun 21, 2008)

mikeylikesit said:


> well I'm still on wife #1...but when your 21 and have only been married for less than i year i don't think that it is any comparison.


 
Already numbering your wife?  Not a good sign!


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## wolfie23b (Jun 25, 2008)

sapphyre, EMS is very much a 24/7 job.  I get calls from my supervisor on days off to come and work because he can't find someone to fill a shift, and of course since all of us here do this career for the money, I take the overtime because I don't need the money. HAHA!!!


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## Jon (Jun 25, 2008)

Right.. but you could also tell him that you have plans and can't help him that day. There is no rule that you MUST go in.

This is a do as I say, not as I do moment... in EMS, we need to ensure that we remember out home life, and make sure to schedule time for it. I've got to work on this.


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## wolfie23b (Jun 26, 2008)

i agree I could easily say I cannot go in, and I can easily say that the extra money I recieve for going in is not that important because time with the family is gonna pay the bills, and feed my family just fine.  Don't get me wrong I absolutely LOVE my job, I would not trade it or change it for nothing, I will just remember that I do have to save some of my time for the family.  I work 2/ 24's on Monday and Friday at one service and I work 2/ 24's Saturday and Sunday at another.  I might take and extra shift on thurs.  
It is a fine line between is time, or income more important to my family.  Do they need me as much as they need a roof over their head, and food in their bellies.  It is hard to walk that fine line and every once in awhile you stumbe, that's when you dust yourself on and walk that line again.


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## karaya (Jun 26, 2008)

You're gone four days out of seven and sometimes extra hours on top of that?  You better get ready to start numbering your wife - she'll be #1 to go.


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## wolfie23b (Jun 26, 2008)

Naw, We have a very good marriage and she is also and Army wife, I just got back from 15 months in Baghdad and she is a trooper.  We have been married for 6 years, and lookin' for 50 or more.


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## karaya (Jun 26, 2008)

wolfie23b said:


> Naw, We have a very good marriage and she is also and Army wife, I just got back from 15 months in Baghdad and she is a trooper. We have been married for 6 years, and lookin' for 50 or more.


 

I'll remember what you said!


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## BossyCow (Jun 26, 2008)

wolfie23b said:


> sapphyre, EMS is very much a 24/7 job.  I get calls from my supervisor on days off to come and work because he can't find someone to fill a shift, and of course since all of us here do this career for the money, I take the overtime because I don't need the money. HAHA!!!



There is a reason why they pay more for overtime .. beyond a certain number of hours, the job becomes more difficult. Working too many shifts will hurt you, hurt your family and ultimately hurt your career.


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## Hastings (Jun 26, 2008)

I'm going to say here what I said in the chat earlier. EMS is a job, like any other job. The moment you make it your life - as neat as that may sound to you - you are taking a very unhealthy path. Like any other job, and yet even more so in this one, you need to do your job and then have time off. You need to do your 12 or 24 hour shift, and then go home to your family and be a civilian for the next 12 or 24. There are too many unnecessary (and downright stupid) consequences to making a job like this your life, whether they be in your performance, personal health, or your personal life. 

Some of you clearly need to learn that it's time to turn the pager off at the end of your shift. You do enough good while you're on the clock. You don't need to make personal sacrifices in order to do more.


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## NomexMedic (Jul 2, 2008)

Thankfully I haven't had to cross this road yet.  But it definitely gives you some things to think about.


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## Medic9 (Jul 2, 2008)

As an Army wife of a soldier that has been a recruiter, gone to Korea, been assigned to a unit that trains Reserve and National Guard units (gone almost every weekend and most of the summer), regular field training, two deployments to Afghanistan and an upcoming deployment to Iraq I can say that some of us are so used to being alone. 
Now, some spouses don't do as well with the seperations and those are the ones that usually file for divorce. 
The difference between military and EMS is in EMS we kind of have a choice when it comes to our schedules. I walk the very thin line between work and family and there have been times that I have tripped up and gone to work when I should have stayed home but food, shelter, and other goodies had to be paid for.


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## NomexMedic (Jul 2, 2008)

Medic9 said:


> As an Army wife of a soldier that has been a recruiter, gone to Korea, been assigned to a unit that trains Reserve and National Guard units (gone almost every weekend and most of the summer), regular field training, two deployments to Afghanistan and an upcoming deployment to Iraq I can say that some of us are so used to being alone.
> Now, some spouses don't do as well with the seperations and those are the ones that usually file for divorce.
> The difference between military and EMS is in EMS we kind of have a choice when it comes to our schedules. I walk the very thin line between work and family and there have been times that I have tripped up and gone to work when I should have stayed home but food, shelter, and other goodies had to be paid for.



I've heard that there tends to be a lot of infidelity by both sides of the spouses when their loved ones are on deployment.  Is there really any truth to this and is it for the same reasons?


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## wolfie23b (Jul 2, 2008)

I am a soldier and just got back from Iraq about 6 months ago and my wife dealt with it very well, and she also understands the reason I pull the overtime is for our financial well being.  If I don't pull the OT then there are a lot of things that would have to be put on the back burner such as choosing between food or utilities and clothes for the kids.  It is a very fine line but what choice do I have when I love my profession and will not, and could not do anything else.


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## Medic9 (Jul 2, 2008)

NomexMedic said:


> I've heard that there tends to be a lot of infidelity by both sides of the spouses when their loved ones are on deployment.  Is there really any truth to this and is it for the same reasons?



Yes there is alot of infidelity some of it is without the others knowledge and other have "arrangments". It crosses all ranks, enlisted and officers alike.


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## EMTAlex209 (Jul 5, 2008)

It's very difficult for a spouse who has no idea what "we" do in general. It's just plain difficult and useless to try and vent to them as they don't percieve or understand what it is we quite do. My suggestion to you that is having the problem with the wife is take her on a ride-along. That will make her see what it is you do, why you do it, and why you can't answer the phone everytime or have the time to talk when you do if you're down paperwork. Best of luck.


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## Jon (Jul 5, 2008)

I stumbled across this blog yesterday. They actually talk a little about relationships this week (both male/female and interpersonal relationships at work). At least one of the contributors happens to be an active member of EMTLife... Congrats, Lucid!

http://normalsinus.blogspot.com/


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## Tincanfireman (Jul 5, 2008)

It took me a long time to realize the importance of family over EMS/work, and it was nearly too long. I missed a lot of time with my kids because I had "important work" to attend to and was always late getting home. How I wish I could turn back those calendar pages for a do-over. I (and my dear wife) understand there's the occasional last-minute-before-shift-change call, but not every day. Believe me, when the shift is over, go home. There will always be another emergency, another critical patient, another chance to save a life. Let the calls that occur after shift change belong to the next shift. Off duty, let your conscience be your guide. I'm with Epi; call 911 from your cell phone and let the on-duty folks handle it. Nine times out of ten your presence won't make a difference in the final outcome and you're gonna get wrapped up in something you'll later wish you hadn't. I will stop to render aid only if the need is great and I honestly believe I have the skills and tools necessary to make a difference. Let your time with your loved ones be your priority, not the next call.


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## Angelr87 (Apr 10, 2021)

My issue is my wife always compares her job with mine. I can’t compare both our jobs. She is at home most of the time. She deals with some phone calls and mostly in office drama.

she throws it in my face that I chose this job.

I don’t get a lot  days off sadly marriage is my other job, I feel. At work I drive all day, I tech all day. I have to deal with ift and 911s so it’s a roll
Of the dice how much day is. And I can’t for the life me take it seriously when she says

“I work hard too”

when I just dealt with a full code, a stab wound, a sexual assault, no real lunch. In the rain, in the snow, in the heat. So she doesn’t understand when I need a day off not to drive, not to think. She just doesn’t understand. That’s my current issue.


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## PotatoMedic (Apr 10, 2021)

#MarriageCounseling


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## DrParasite (Apr 11, 2021)

1) EMS is not a 9 to 5 job... it often involves working nights and weekends too.  Esp if you pick up or assigned OT.  And additional trainings and other stuff that pops up.  Or if you work a side job or two.
2) Office work might not be as physically tiring, but it can be mentally tiring.
3) my current job (not EMS) is mostly 9 to 5, but I also have to do stuff in the evenings or at 3am once a month.  it does get tiring.
4) Even the communications people have stressful days; it's not the same as being on the truck (I've done both), but the stress level can be more in the comm center than on the truck.

@Angelr87 stop comparing your work with hers.  it won't go anywhere positive.  She has her job, and you have yours.  Just because someone is working from home doesn't mean they aren't doing work, and you ARE wrong to think that just because she is WFH that her work isn't hard.

Sounds like you and your wife need to involve a third party who can help you see things from the others perspecteive.


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## StCEMT (Apr 12, 2021)

Angelr87 said:


> And I can’t for the life me take it seriously when she says
> 
> “I work hard too”


Does this not seem like a problem to you?


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## VentMonkey (Apr 12, 2021)

Angelr87 said:


> My issue is my wife always compares her job with mine. I can’t compare both our jobs. She is at home most of the time. She deals with some phone calls and mostly in office drama.
> 
> she throws it in my face that I chose this job.
> 
> ...


Go back and re-read the first few pages. The same advice applies today as it did 13 years ago.

It sounds like you’re completely immersed in the “identity” of your job; very toxic. I know of no marriage that’s come out stronger by constantly comparing roles or responsibilities. This would include my own.

I’m one of the lucky ones. I was blessed enough to have the woman of my dreams stay by my side through a lot of turmoil. A lot.

Again, nothing new here. I have had a lot of humble pie to eat over the years. You sound like you need this same kick in the teeth.

Telling people on here about all of the calls and strife you’ve experienced on the job yields little sympathy. We’ve all endured a similar path. One we’ve at some point accepted.

One thing I’ve learned, no one knows how awesome said EMS provider, nor how hard _they_ have it than them themselves. 

No one cares as much either. Sounds pretty narcissistic, wouldn’t you agree?

Fix you, you can’t “fix” your spouse. Your relationship? Sure that’s mutual. Trying to convince your S.O. that you’re right and they’re wrong? Highly arrogant and pointless.

Oh, and strong work on the thread revival...


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## CarSevenFour (Apr 12, 2021)

Another EMS marriage casualty. After 17 years, she left to go live with some punk kid. Devastating, he fixed diesel engines, I fixed broken people and ended up there myself when she made her choice. Ambulance work is a tough life but isn't the be-all and end-all. Even though I was on-call in my off-duty hours, I solved that by never NEVER answering the phone at home. Can't make me come in if there's no answer. My cure was to guard my homelife as much as possible, but still, some of the crap from work leaked into my life. Well, a lot of it, and I paid the price. What gave me perspective was getting hobbies that ended up being my off-duty avocation. Photographing ships for posterity and building detailed scale models of them from scratch using shipbuilder's plans, writing, learning to play musical instruments, learning to repair them, and just giving them away so kids could learn, too. There's nothing better to me than taking old Goodwill clarinets and making them sing again. When I'm face down in a pile of parts, I am happy and fulfilled. Life is really simple if you have priorities. EMS isn't 24/7/365. That being said, I carry a full kit in my truck in case I come across an accident during my daily grind and help if I can until proper resources arrive on-scene, then I leave and go about my business.


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## GMCmedic (Apr 12, 2021)

Angelr87 said:


> when I just dealt with a full code, a stab wound, a sexual assault, no real lunch. In the rain, in the snow, in the heat.



Nobody cares. As much as you want to be special, you're not. 



Angelr87 said:


> she throws it in my face that I chose this job.


Well, she's not wrong.






Angelr87 said:


> My issue is my wife always compares her job with mine.




It's not a contest. Talk TO each other about your days, not AT each other. 





Angelr87 said:


> And I can’t for the life me take it seriously when she says
> 
> “I work hard too”



You might be the problem.


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## johnrsemt (Apr 28, 2021)

When I worked a busy service I very VERY seldom got off on time, but when we were off together I didn't answer the phone, or carry  my pager:  we were off together.
Now after 13 years here, my wife gets upset when I don't answer her texts or calls right away, and I have to remind her that once in a great while I have to work while I am at work.

You won't get off on time; but on days that you are off together, be together (maybe take a nap for a few hours) but then spend the rest of the day together, or take care of the kids so she has time off.  Don't answer the phone, don't talk about how bad your day was:  he/she has bad days too.


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