# My First Experience With Death - I'm Not An EMT



## kurt737 (Oct 20, 2008)

Hello all. I have been reading these forums for quite a while now, but this recent experience caused me to join. I have had an interest in EMS for a few years now, but am already in a career. I told my family that I wanted to quit my job and go to EMT school, and everyone acted like I was crazy... 

Anyway, I had my first experience with a bad MVA Saturday night. It's affected me more than I thought it would. It seems like everyone shares my sorrow who I talk with, but no one really understands what I'm going through. That's why I'm hoping it will help me get over this by writing it down. I don't expect anyone to read it all either. It's just something I want to write down...

I live about 45min outside of Nashville in the country. Every week, the local newspaper has pictures and stories of terrible accidents. Saturday night, I got a taste of one.

I was driving home late that night from Nashville after a concert. It was about 11:30pm and I was almost home. On the way home, I have to pass a small private airfield that just recently had lights installed for the small planes to land at night. Well, as I passed the field, I saw that the lights were on and I could see a small plane nearby circling to land. So, I pulled into a driveway near the field, shut the engine off and got out of the car to watch it land. Since I was about 5 min from the closest town and it was so late, everything was very quiet. About 1 min passed and I heard a car coming down the road towards my direction. I noticed that the engine was surging, like the driver was giving it gas and then letting off. All of the sudden, I heard the tires screech and heard a loud bang. IT was just about 200 yards from me. I was wondering if that was really happening! I got into my car and drove that direction. As I got closer, I saw glass on the road and then noticed that an older Ford Mustang was wrapped around a tree. I got out of the car and yelled if anybody was hurt. Didn't hear anything. So, I called 911. 

The dispatcher asked me to look in the car. I got my flashlight out and started looking around. I didn't see anyone at first, but as I came around to the back of the car, I noticed that a man in his early thirties was in the backseat. He was breathing, but unconscious. It struck me how 1. his mouth was full of blood and he was having trouble breathing and 2. he had some deep head lacerations that weren't bleeding very much. I asked the man if he could hear me and if he was OK, but he didn't respond. Just then, a girl pulled up and jumped out of her car. I was very impressed with how calm she reacted. She ran and got a blanket as I looked at the windshield to make sure no one had been ejected. The dispatcher told me that Fire and EMS were enroute. The girl and I both met back at the back of the car. The car impacted a tree on the drivers side and the driver was pinned from the waist down. He was still breathing, but was struggling to. The girl asked me if we could move his head to help clear out the blood, but I didn't know what the hell to say. I was thinking about C-Spine injury and plus nether of us had gloves and the guy had blood all over his head and it was coming out of his mouth. I'm thinking AIDS and Hepatitis. We decided not to move him. She felt for a pulse and he had one. I then heard the Q siren in the distance. As we stood there telling the guy help was on the way, we saw that he stopped breathing. She felt again, and his pulse was weak. Then, he breathed a couple more times and got a pulse back before stopping breathing and having no pulse. We were both in disbelief! We both looked at each other and shook our heads. I told the dispatcher we thought he was gone. She stayed with the guy while I made sure our cars were moved out of the way. A few people pulled up and I was proud of myself for "controlling" the scene and making sure everyone kept moving so the first responders could get there. It took less than 5 minutes for them to get there.

As the ambulance and 2 fire apparatus, along with police arrived, I ran back to the car. Still, no signs of like. Fire started working on the car as the medics hooked the victim up to monitors. I watched and could see that he was flatline on the monitor. They disconnected everything and called for the Highway patrol. (I guess they have to do the accident report here in TN if there's a fatality.) Meanwhile, they got ID, registration and cell phone off the driver. One of the officers contacted his wife and asked her to come down there. I spoke with one of the medics who was really nice and explained how there is just nothing you can do in those situations with so many injuries... The body just can't keep living with that much trauma. I did notice that this was the first fatality for the female medic. She was upset, and very quiet.

The police were very nice and chatted for quite a while. One was telling me what he thought had happened before the THP arrived. It looked like the driver went off the right side of the road and overcorrected. When he got it back on the road, he went off the left side and overcorrecting again, slid sideways into the tree. They don't think alcohol was envolved.They asked me to fill out a report.

What affected me the most was when the victim's wife arrived. When they told her what had happened, she started screaming and lost control. She was only in her 20's. At that point, I almost started to cry (which I haven't done in years). That just really struck me how someone's life can end so fast. The guy was heading home after getting a burger and was less than 5 minutes away. She was screaming crying for a long time.

From the time I heard it happen until the time I left to go home, about an hour and a half had passed. I left before they removed his body. When I got home, I felt like I could puke. I got in bed and turned the TV on, but couldn't sleep at all. I was wired. It was about 4am when I finally fell asleep. I woke up really early and just kept going over everything over and over again in my head. I just wondered if there was something I could have done differently. I just had to keep telling myself that he was going to die anyway. I tried to read and do other stuff, but I just couldn't focus.

I called and told a few people and they thought it was horrible what had happened. I went out to church that afternoon even though I didn't want to because I didn't feel like seeing anyone. But I did, hoping it would help me feel better. On the way, I had to pass the spot where the accident happened. When I passed it, the guy's wife was there with someone else crying. I started to stop, but decided not to. I'm going to get the police report and send her a letter later.

I felt terrible all day. I just had this weird feeling. I didn't want to go to work today at all either! I started to call in sick, but decided to go after all. I'm feeling much better now. I guess the initial shock has worn off. It's funny though because this situation makes me want to get into EMS so much!

I work in PT care areas at Vanderbilt medical center as a Spanish interpreter, so I see alot of stuff. I've done ride-alongs with Metro Nashville Fire/EMS and even a shift with Vandy LifeFlight. Even so, I've never see anyone die right in from of me. This whole situation has really make me appreciate life so much more. It's made my desire to help people in bad situations, even stronger.

I'm sure with time I'm going to forget how hard this was to deal with, but I know that I will remember that Saturday night for the rest of my life!


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## Sapphyre (Oct 21, 2008)

Kurt, I just want to say <hugs>


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## mycrofft (Oct 21, 2008)

*Dying's quiet, getting there can be less so.*

Good on you for keeping your head. Don't be surprised at the widow's reaction, take it in stride.


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## tatersalad (Oct 21, 2008)

kurt I have to agree with you about the tremendous resource this site is.
 I too have a career but have decided to take the EMT-B class. I'm not planning on making EMS a full time career, but we'll see what happens.

Thanks for sharing this experience!


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## BossyCow (Oct 21, 2008)

I've often been more affected by the emotion of the survivors than the trauma of the patient. The injuries have such a simple set of protocols.. see this.. do that... wrap this, splint that. But that kind of raw emotion is difficult to witness.


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## Paladin (Oct 21, 2008)

Kurt, all of us here are sorry for what you had to see.  It is something that probable wont go away for awhile.  You have two options:  let it destroy you mentally and have it eat away at you, or you can use it as a motivator and to remind yourself that it can happen to anyone.  Remember the old latin quote Carpe Diem....(seize the day).

In my own personal exp. outside of EMS, I can tell you first hand death is hard.  I graduated HS in 2004 from a very diverse area and had alot of friends.  Since graduation, our class has had to bury 5 of our closest friends.  2 car accidents, 1 murder, 1 cancer, 1 suicide.  It has been the hardest for me but I used it to motivate me to continue on.  I am very grateful that I have because if I had not, who knows what could have happened.

If after a few days, you still cannot seem to handle it, why not try someone professional?  Their is always someone willing to talk and help you.

Stay Safe everyone


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## el Murpharino (Oct 21, 2008)

I have to agree with Bossy...I get choked up at times when you see family members "lose control" and get emotional about the situation.  I think the worst was when I had a 16-year old girl who fractured her C-2 in a wreck...her parents met us at the ER and were noticeably upset, yet profusely thanking the crew for their work.  Even 5 years after the fact that reaction is burned in my mind.


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## kurt737 (Oct 21, 2008)

Well I really appreaciate the kind words from everyone. I think getting back to work has really helped me to get my mind off it. I still think about it, but I don't feel nearly as bad as I did before. It's funny Paladin, but I really feel much more motivated to live life.

This whole experience has given me an even stronger desire to pursue EMS. I tried getting into all the fall programs in middle TN, but by July 4th they were all booked. MTSU had an opening a week before classes started, so that didn't work out. I just wish we had part time classes around here and not the full time college style. I'll get my EMT-IV some way...


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## mycrofft (Oct 21, 2008)

*Go start your own class/people's reactions.*

Buy the EMS text. Buy a used anatomy text and  Merck Manual. Get to reading. And try to avoid developing hypochondria.

Oddly, I just get really impatient with people who have to stand around and theatrically vent and moan and throw themselves on the pt and etc.


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## Outbac1 (Oct 21, 2008)

Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. That was quite an event you witnessed. I doubt anyone who has not gone thru it will ever understand, although they may try. Watching and dealing with family members at such an event is always hard. Perhaps the hardest of all. If as Paladin says you still have a hard time with it after awhile. Seek out professional counselling so you can learn to deal with it and put it to rest. Hopefully you will never have to go through a similar situation again. 

  Best of luck on your future endevors.


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## apagea99 (Oct 22, 2008)

kurt737 said:


> This whole experience has given me an even stronger desire to pursue EMS. I tried getting into all the fall programs in middle TN, but by July 4th they were all booked. MTSU had an opening a week before classes started, so that didn't work out. I just wish we had part time classes around here and not the full time college style. I'll get my EMT-IV some way...



Kurt, that sounds like a rough night. It's good to know it's motivating you to act though.

Have you looked at Nashville Tech? They may have something you can get into sooner than MTSU. I'm in the MTSU course now and would highly recommend it, but you'd have to wait till next Fall and that can be nerve-wracking when you're ready to do something now. If nothing else, study on your own time (as some have suggested) and maybe consider a Spring A&P or Biology class if you don't have them yet. That will give you some good starting info.....and get your professional rescuer CPR card. Do whatever it takes to get where you want to be.

Good luck to you, and I hope to see you out and about sometime in the Nashville area!


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## Airwaygoddess (Oct 22, 2008)

Something to think about how life and death can have such a fine line......  I hope that you are doing well and remember that that person saw a kind soul before he left this world.  You did well!  Take care and stay safe and well!!


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## EMTinNEPA (Nov 14, 2008)

Good for you for keeping your head on.  My first experience with death, not only was it a 28 yo girl, but one of the techs who was on the call lives down the street from her parents.  I had to stand there while he told her that she was gone and then watch mom cry hysterically.  It took me a few days to get over that.  A few D.O.A.s and cardiac arrests later, it doesn't phase you as much.

Keep plugging away.  The forum is here if you need to get anything off your chest.


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## Ridryder911 (Nov 14, 2008)

You don't need to take a EMT course. What many fail to remember is an official Medical First Responder program is much better suited for what you want to do. Unless you plan to make EMS an career then never take a EMT course. It is too hard to keep up but as well, you are taught and expected to know ambulance equipment. Again EMT courses are designed for professional use. 

The response to grief is different for everyone. Alike others it is harder to see on the survivors then the actual death of the person. If one was to ask about it later, chances are they would not even be able to recall their actions or what was said. 

Just attempt to be pleased with yourself as attempting to help in the time of need. Personally, I no longer even stop at accidents; so you did better than me. Time will replace thoughts and as you will see things do go on as before, which is an awakening when exposed to such an event. 

Alike what others described, if this scenario does continually to haunt or have lasting effects upon you then do seek professional help. 

You were able to see what we see on a daily basis and what we are exposed to. 

Good luck, 
R/r 911


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## Tincanfireman (Nov 14, 2008)

Kurt,
I get the feeling that you feel you could have done more, possibly making a difference in the outcome. Let's think about it for a minute, k? You could have just driven away, but you didn't. Your quick investigation revealed a situation that was outside your capabilities to resolve, so you called for help. You provided invaluable information to the fire and EMS folks, helping them to begin a sizeup before even arriving on scene. You and the other person did everything you could to help and provide comfort to the victim, having little to work with. Still, you tried. You held it together and became an asset to the police, who would have had absolutely nothing to go on had you not been there. You didn't impede the extrication process; you stayed out of the way and let the pros do their jobs. From here in the cheap seats, there's not a whole heckuva lot more you could have done, and everything you're feeling is completely normal. Let the experience become your motivation to increase your skills if that's what you desire, but remember that even with all the equipment, resources, training, and skill in the world, there's always gonna be Rule #1: People are going to die, and Rule #2: Sometimes there's nothing you can do to change Rule #1. Best of luck in your endeavors, and I completely agree with the wise counsel of others to talk to someone if you are still having issues with what happened. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.


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## kurt737 (Nov 16, 2008)

Thanks again everyone for the words of advice! I feel that I have totally moved past this even though it crosses my mind still. It has made me drive much more carefully and appreciate things in life a lot more.

It's funny because I emailed an asst. EMS Chief in the Metro Nashville Fire Dept. whom I know and asked if I could do a ride along about 2 weeks after this happened. I went along with the busiest medic unit in the city and it was a blast! It was almost non stop action! Anyway, tones went out for a MVA with ejection and multiple units were dispatched. We were the first EMS unit there and it was a bad one! They pronounced the guy at the scene even though he was alive when the first responders arrived. The EMT on the rig was a rookie and I'm not sure if that was his first death, but it seemed to hit him pretty hard. I was pretty shocked too, but tried to not let it affect me. It didn't seem to. Wow, I never thought I would see two deaths in as many weeks!

Ridryder911, thanks for the advice on the First Responder course. I was doing some research and that would probably be something more along the lines of what I'm looking for. Even though I would love to go into EMS, my family would have a fit if I said I was switching careers right now. I'm going to look into that course. Thanks for the advice!


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## newbie (Nov 17, 2008)

K;
Glad too see yo saying you got through this.  I reiterate that it sounds like a fairly normal stress response.  The first time I saw a dead body and the grieving shocked family that went with it was certainly hard.  I find that doing the good things in life; family, girls, working out all seem to help.  The first one was rough, the next was a lot easier.  Haven't seen one in a while that caused me any extra stress but I know it is out there waiting.  And when I find it I've got some good home cooked meals, a great family, a longer if still short run all waiting to help get me through.
And do use it as a motivator.  It can be a powerful one.
J


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