# Funny one liners you've said to overheard to a patient



## jordanfstop

Said by one of the medics regarding a patient who frequently calls us asking for albuterol treatment and then refuses transport.

"The quicker you sign this piece of paper, the quicker I can get back to sleep."


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## MRE

Pt crashed car into telephone pole, car had front and side curtain airbags.  One of the EMT's commented to the guy: 

"No wonder you crashed, you had the curtains down"


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## firecoins

patient "you think I am crazy"

myself "No!  I think your drunk!" 



you had to be there.


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## mikeylikesit

I don't want your treatment, i just need to get to the hospital"
Me: "taxis are a lot cheaper you know."


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## BossyCow

Heard from a trooper who was talking to a rather inebriated driver who just crashed into another vehicle....

The law says you are responsible to make sure the way is clear before entering the highway... judging by the looks of that car... I'm going to guess that it wasn't.


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## mikeylikesit

one of the guys who just got on as i was leaving today told me this one. 
he got a called out to a medical emergency involving a child with unknown causes. when he got there and looked at the child the mother says "i don't know whats wrong with him but he never quiets down...is there anything you can do to make him quiet?" the medic goes into the truck and arrives back with a pair of foam ear plugs and says. "this outta do it"


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## MMiz

During one of my first calls I once told a patient to "Elevate it above your head" for a nosebleed.  Yeah, I never lived that one down.


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## mycrofft

*To a 100 year old return-customer wheelchair van pt*

"Hey, Mabel..you wanna go r-e-e-eal fast?".
She laughed. We didn't.


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## yowzer

MMiz said:


> During one of my first calls I once told a patient to "Elevate it above your head" for a nosebleed.  Yeah, I never lived that one down.



Well, if you tilt your head waaaaaay back....


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## emtskibum

Said by a Female tech to a Drunk patient that had a shirt with the "Woody" station wagons on it.

"Look, you have a woody!"


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## mikeylikesit

i was thinking about this last night while working, i had a patient who called and said that he had an emergency involving a bug. so first thing i think of is allergic reaction. we get there and he's sitting there on the couch with his daughter and i ask what the problem is. he say " I swallowed a big fly" i repeated what he said to make sure. he said "yeah i swollowed a fly what do we do?" i quickly responded with "well don't swallow a spider to catch the fly". he didn't get it but his daughter got a chuckle out of it.


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## akflightmedic

Nice topic.

Way too many to list....

One in particular, had a patient call for chest pains. He was a large man sitting in his armchair not looking well. I asked him if he thought he could stand up, pivot and sit on the stretcher.

As he leaned forward to stand, he made the most awful face and then collapsed in cardiac arrest.

I shrugged my shoulders and said "guess thats a no".


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## DT4EMS

Trooper to medic on MVA scene: How's he doing?

Medic replies: "grab the phone book.......... and scratch his name out........."


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## MSDeltaFlt

A Blind passenger, who lost his prosthetic eyes during a rollover MVC with ejection, asked me, "Hey, have you seen my eyes?"

"Dude, you don't *have* any eyes."

"Yes I do.  I got prosthetic eyes."

"Well, they're probably in a ditch back there somewhere.  We ain't got 'em."


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## Anomalous

At a single vehicle tractor-trailer rollover:

State Police Officer-  "What happened here?"

Truck driver- "I don't know.  It looked like this when I woke up."


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## Foxbat

I asked a pt. once to "give me a finger" (so I could put a pulse-ox sensor on it). She laughed.


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## Alexakat

I like when new EMTs are getting a blood sugar & they say "You're gonna feel a little pr!ck"
LOL!


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## gradygirl

One of my friends at an MVC with brain matter on the scene...

"Ooooo, look, it's first grade!"

Me on the scene of a "stabbing". The patient moved his shirt from the wound and all I saw was intestine...

"Uh oh..."


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## firecoins

Foxbat said:


> I asked a pt. once to "give me a finger" (so I could put a pulse-ox sensor on it). She laughed.



I tell patients to "give me the finger" on purpose.  Its my attempt to get a laugh.  It doesn't work but the attampt is there.


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## RESQ_5_1

First code I ran was as an EMT-B in CA with AMR. I had only been on with them for about 3 months. I was working with another EMT-B I went thru orientation with. We actually got on scene before Paramedics (which almost never happens). We get to our patient who is lying left recumbant and unresponsive. I rolled him to his back to check for a pulse and notice a black liquid running from the corner of his mouth. As soon as I saw it I said, "Oh! That's not good." My partner asks me his status and I reply "Full Arrest". He comes into the room and says to me with a half grin on his face, "Oh! That's not good". Luckily the family members just outside the bedroom where he was when I said that didn't speak any english. Which of course made it a little more difficult to find out what actually happened prior to his coding.


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## newbie

When wheeling a working code into my not so favorite hospital I was asked if my  Pt. has a name.  My response was "I'm sure he does."
I was amused even if the nurse wasn't.


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## MedicPrincess

Sent for an Unknown problem.  Pts daughter reports her mom hasn't been acting right since the day before.  She takes me to her 92 yr old Mother, who is sitting at the kitchen table.  She has poured her cereal - milk and all - onto the table and floor.  She is scooping it up with her hands for a few bites, then licks the table like a dog, then scoops a few bites.  She then got down to the floor and licked some milk off the floor and back into her chair.

Her daughter is obviously distraught and yells at me, "Do you SEE!!! SEE what she is doing!!!"

I looked right at her and said...  "Oh! So this isn't how she normally eats?"

At that point her mother got up, walked to the living room, laid down on the floor and started doing the breast stroke.  I walked over to her and said

"Ma'am?  Whats going on?"

She says, "I'm swimming."

Me- "Well Ma'am, you just ate.  It hasn't been 30 minutes yet."

And she immediatly got out of her swimming pool and sat on her couch so we could talk.


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## MaineEMTb

MedicPrincess said:


> "Ma'am?  Whats going on?"
> 
> She says, "I'm swimming."
> 
> Me- "Well Ma'am, you just ate.  It hasn't been 30 minutes yet."



haha, that is great! 


so did she have Alzheimer's?


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## MSDeltaFlt

Ever ask a pseudo-seizure, "Stop moving your arm so I can get a blood pressure", and their arm goes dead calm all the while the rest of their body is still shaking all over?

That's just fun to watch.


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## MagicTyler

I was on a ride along and right after releasing a drunk driver to city police, his wife (who's even more drunk than he is) is getting loaded into the ambulance and asks "Can I just ask him something?" 

Officer responds " I'm sorry, but he's just envoked his right to remain silent. If you can just head down to the courthouse and fill out form BS-0975 you can talk to him as soon as 7-12 business days."

"oh, ok officer, i'll do that. Can you guys take me to the courthouse?".

This all happened at around 1 in the morning...


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## jamiga

Loaded two pts up (both were on shrooms) in the back of the ambulance. I'm starting an IV on the female in the captains chair and the medic is questioning the male laying on the cot. 

Medic: So what seems to be the problem meow?
Male: I don't know! I don't understand why you are trying to kill me!
Medic: Meow why do you think I'm trying to kill you?
Male: I just know it. I can't believe this! You want to kill me!!?
Medic: Meow listen meow... I'm here to help you meow- I'm a good guy.

Female: (With huge eyes, looks up at me) Why is he saying MEOW??

Hahaha.

SO is also in the back of the ambulance with us, and he looks at me and says "I didn't know people still did shrooms!"

Gotta love Super Troopers.


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## firetender

Was taking a pulse on a medium emergent pt. looked at my watch, looked at the pt. looked at my watch and the pt. again, and then, when it clicked, I blurted out: "Oh, WOW!...for a second there I thought you were dead. My watch just stopped!"

(I've been LMAO on this thread...thanks, you twisted beings!)


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## Jon

We had a medic around here who played Meow well... funny as heck with some of the college-town drunk issues.

Not that I would recommend it... at all... that's bad patient care, OK!


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## mikeylikesit

Jon said:


> We had a medic around here who played Meow well... funny as heck with some of the college-town drunk issues.
> 
> Not that I would recommend it... at all... that's bad patient care, OK!


 LOL classic. i loved Super Trooper, in fact i watch it about once a month.


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## aussieemt1980

*Me: I am just going to stab you in the finger, I need to take a drop of blood for a BSL.

Patient: Will it hurt? I hate needles...

Me (open mouth without thinking): Just like my wife said last night, It is a tiny :censored::censored::censored::censored::censored: and you wont feel a thing...

Patient: I did not need to know that.*

At an event:

*Security (on radio): we have a male climbing the high tension power pole

Me (as supervisor): at least it will be an electrifying experience for him...*
Called to assist a patient by firies during an service for ANZAC day:

*Dragged across to look at an elderly pt who was feeling dizzy and collapsed.

Me: are you diabetic?

Pt: Yes, but I do not know what is causing this. I had a beer this morning.

Me: what was your blood sugar level this morning?

Pt: about 7.

Me: it is now 15.

Pt. That would explain why I don't feel well.*

An acquaintance that has mental issues:

*Pt: hide me, the police are looking for me!

Me: why?

Pt: I escaped from the ward this morning (pt was voluntarily admitted due to medication issues, so no legal issue really)

Me: why would you bring the police to my house?

Pt: I was bored.

Make a call to the psych ward to see if they want him back, and am advised that the police are on the way.

Police (on arrival): he looks calm, we might leave him here in your care...

Me: No, ******* (hospital) psych wants him back.

Police: why? there is nothing wrong with him, and we can arrange it so that he stays here?

Me: I am not a psychiatrist, and my house is not a psych ward. If they did not want him back, why would they have sent you? Now I know a psych ward is full of nuts, so it would be a logical thing for them to do.

Police: We still cannot take him. He is calm and everything is ok.

Me: He burst in my front door uninvited, scared my wife and kids ranting that the police were chasing him and that we should hide him. This is despite the fact that you guys don't want to take him back to the hospital. So I am guessing that he still has a few problems upstairs...

They then took the individual back to hospital.*


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## medicp94dao

listening to breath sounds on 16 yo F c/o sob.

me: ok gonna listen to your lungs i need you to take as deep a breath as you can.  ( she inhales )

16 y/o F : that makes my boobs look bigger

me: bright red and speechless.


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## Rob123

I'm on my first trainee ride-along. We arrived on scene for a EDP requiring transport to a psych hospital for evaluation. 8 Police Officers on scene.

*Crew Chief*:  Hello. Do you know why we're here?
*Patient (loudly)*:  Because I was fighting with that ***** that tried to rob me.
*Crew Chief*: How about we go into the ambulance and check you out.
*Patient (even louder)*: I am not hurt. I took my medicine and I'm not crazy!!!
*Crew Chief*: That's great. Oh, where are your pants?
*Patient (extremely calm)*: Obviously, they're in my bag.

Her tear-away warm-up pants were actually in her bag and she got dressed en route to the hospital.


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## JJR512

I once heard a paramedic say within ear shot of distraught family members that "death can sometimes be a side effect of having 95 birthdays".


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## Airwaygoddess

Now that is funny!!!!:lol::lol:


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## fyrdog

At the scene of a female in cardiac arrest.

EMT: Sir what is your mother's name?

Family member: That's my wife not my mother. God if she looks that bad maybe its a good thing she's dead.

:wacko:


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## BossyCow

Said by an ER doc as the nurse cuts off a T-shirt that has almost become part of the pt's skin... "I bet this is your favorite T-shirt isn't it?"


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## Onceamedic

Doctor to elderly female as he attempts to listen to lungs - "Big breaths"
Patient :  they used to be...


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## MMiz

Kaisu said:


> Doctor to elderly female as he attempts to listen to lungs - "Big breaths"
> Patient :  they used to be...


Kaisu for the win!


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## Megs_h13

*ER Doc to Partner and I Prior to transfer...*

ER Doc goes into Trauma room, comes out with door open pulls off gloves with a :censored::censored::censored::censored: eating grin (pun intended).

"Yep just gave Mr.... the best going away gift EVER!!"


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## RESQ_5_1

My partner and I responded to a female c/o abd pain with n/v. Pain is coming in waves. As soon as she is in the rig, she says she feels like she is gonna puke. My partner gives her a vomit bag which she proceeds to fill with approx 150 ml of red fluid. My partner at first thinks blood. I'm thinking it looks too diluted to be blood. 

Pt says: It's gatorade.
Partner replies: Yeah. Smells like Gatorade.


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## serupert

ER admitting walks into patient's room who is complaining of an STD.

Admitting-So, is this workman's comp?

Patient- I certainly hope not. 

Turns out she went into the wrong room.


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## BossyCow

serupert said:


> ER admitting walks into patient's room who is complaining of an STD.
> 
> Admitting-So, is this workman's comp?
> 
> Patient- I certainly hope not.
> 
> Turns out she went into the wrong room.



And we have a winner!!!!


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## lightsandsirens5

MSDeltaFlt said:


> Ever ask a pseudo-seizure, "Stop moving your arm so I can get a blood pressure", and their arm goes dead calm all the while the rest of their body is still shaking all over?
> 
> That's just fun to watch.





Yep. I love it!


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## EvanAndChan

Well, there was a patient who was having trouble breathing, so we had him on a non-rebreather mask. During transport, we switched him to a different mask, and he was left holding the original mask in his hand. I offered to take the old mask from him, and because I was sitting behind him in the back of the truck, I said, "I'll take that mask. I'll take it from behind." 

My flamboyantly gay male patient responded, "Well, then you and I have something in common."

I'm sure you could have seen me blushing from space.


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## IrishEMT

Just now:

Me: So what'd you have for dinner tonight?
Pt: *vomits all over me* ... soup.
Me: I can see that.


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## Emtgirl21

So I responded to the usually night club for yet another stabbing. I approach a young man with a bloody shirt and ask what seems to be the problem. He raises his arm to raise his shirt to reveal a stab wound to the right side of the abdomen. Things that should be on the inside are starting to come out. I put a trauma dressing on and couldnt help myself...

Me: Sir, I'm going to need you to not sneeze ok.

Pt: For how long? 

Pt girlfriend: why not?

My supervisor just shook his head.


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## aussieemt1980

I recently went on a clinical expedition for a couple of weeks in one of the local hospitals, and I was sent on an obs round, so I grabbed the gear and walked into a room with somewhat elderly patients. Walking into the room, I said "Friends, Patients, Countrymen! Lend me your ears." (I had the tympanic thermometer in my hand) when one of the ladies started laughing, and said "I did not know young people were cultured enough to know Shakespeare".

I replied: "Ma'am, Shakespeare was a little before my time, so if I do know him, the rumours of his death 400 years ago were false."

Said to a patient that had been discharged: "looks like you have been released early for good behaviour..."
Patient: "no, I am just escaping and with luck they wont catch me!"


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## mattulance

At a geri psyc facility,(high awol risk) dropping off, as we are leaving another pt asks (very politely),can you hold the door for me , I'm leaving too. After refusing: pt informs us we can %$#@ off.


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## firetender

A little off subject but the other day I got pulled over for driving with my headlights out (just pulled out of a parking lot). The cop comes to my window and says, "Did you realize you were driving without your lights on?" and I replied, "Yes, Sir...the second you popped me."

He let me go. I would have at least given me a sobriety check!


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## So. IL Medic

newbie said:


> When wheeling a working code into my not so favorite hospital I was asked if my  Pt. has a name.  My response was "I'm sure he does."
> I was amused even if the nurse wasn't.



Yep. I annoy nurses when we roll into the ER and they ask, "what have you got there?"

Deadpan response: "A patient"


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## Airwaygoddess

*Say What!!*

WHAT!!!!  No chocolate and Starbucks!!  LOL    Now that is a good one IL Medic!^_^


So. IL Medic said:


> Yep. I annoy nurses when we roll into the ER and they ask, "what have you got there?"
> 
> Deadpan response: "A patient"


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## mycrofft

*How about a two-liner?*

(New slow Dr to loquacious patient): "What is your family's medical history?". 
(Me, eavesdropping and kibbitzing): "MY family's been prone to eventual death".


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## rjz

So we are at a bad grinder on the side of a rural road. The vehicle is over the side in the ditch. My medic partner yells down "what do you got down there?" 

I yell back "dude I think this guys dead."


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## rjz

How about telling the family to "have a nice day" after coding their grandma.


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## EMTDON970

Giving a reprt to a doctor on a fall patient...

"..Pt was walking down the street and "DFO'd".........

DFO-Done Fell out-   Doctor understood me too!!!!! lol


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## Airwaygoddess

*In a time zone somewhere.....*

Alright here we go!

I am checking on my elderly patient's mental status after a fall...

Me:  Mrs. Smith do you know what time of the day it is?
Patient:  Is it 2:00 in the afternoon? (mind you we got called out at 0300)

Me:  Well Mrs. Smith I'm sure it is 2:00 in the afternoon somewhere else in the world! 

Oh Dear........


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## mycrofft

*The historic groaner:*

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?".
(Keep that up and they'll demote me back to Lt!).


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## DenverEMT

Pt - "Well I don't want to go to the hospital"
Me- "Thats fine with me, sign here please......GOODBYE!"

Got a good laugh out of that one. It was about 3am so we were tired of running calls.............


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## Sasha

DenverEMT said:


> Pt - "Well I don't want to go to the hospital"
> Me- "Thats fine with me, sign here please......GOODBYE!"
> 
> Got a good laugh out of that one. It was about 3am so we were tired of running calls.............



Sure hope the patient didnt have anything serious, because you know, even when you are tired of running calls you still have an obligation to give every patient your very best.


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## DenverEMT

Not serious at all. It was a "Good Samaritan Call" for a guy laying on the grass. He told us that he was laying down because he was tired of walking. The fire department asked "are you in any pain" which he said "yes, but only from walking a lot". This fire crew being who they are said "Maybe you should go to the hospital if you're in pain"......
"I don't want to go to the hospital"
"That's fine with me, sign here please......goodbye"




Sasha said:


> Sure hope the patient didnt have anything serious, because you know, even when you are tired of running calls you still have an obligation to give every patient your very best.


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## Scout

Doc in the ER has a habbit of saying " stand clear i'm discharging" while doing a shock.


The childish mentality i have always sees a snigger


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## Pamela

During my hospital clinical hours we had an elderly male pt come in with c/c of ams. We asked him the standard orienting questions like time and date and all that to which he replied that it was the month of poke and obviously it was 32 o'clock (all in a very smug manner). Then he turns and looks at me and goes "you should thank your mama for makin you so pretty." The attending replied well he may not know anything else but he knows a pretty girl when he sees one. Haha. Kinda sweet. Old people are my favorite.

side note: I wasnt so pretty later that shift when an od pt threw up her charcoal all over me.


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## emt_angel25

said by my partner to a "frequent flier". 
"did you really have a seizure or did ya'll have a fight again and dont want to be here"


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## emt_angel25

MSDeltaFlt said:


> Ever ask a pseudo-seizure, "Stop moving your arm so I can get a blood pressure", and their arm goes dead calm all the while the rest of their body is still shaking all over?
> 
> That's just fun to watch.



thats great we got one that will stand up and walk while hes "seizing" its great!!!!


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## BossyCow

MSDeltaFlt said:


> Ever ask a pseudo-seizure, "Stop moving your arm so I can get a blood pressure", and their arm goes dead calm all the while the rest of their body is still shaking all over?
> 
> That's just fun to watch.



Gal complained to my husband's Chief because the medics didn't take her boyfriend's seizures seriously enough. She actuallly put into the complaint letter that he had been diagnosed at the Doctor's office with "Sudo Seizures" apparently one of the medics tried to define the word 'Pseudo' for her and she took offense.


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## Outbac1

My partner  and I were called to the city lockup for a pt who's complaint was "low sugar". He had been picked up on an impaired driving charge and was trying to get out of it. So while my partner was getting vitals, (which were all normal), I asked. Why is your blood sugar low? "Because it is" He replies. "So you have diabetes." "Yes." "What do you usually take for your diabetes?" He replies. "Sugar."
  He then agreed to stay in police custody.


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## So. IL Medic

mycrofft said:


> Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?".
> (Keep that up and they'll demote me back to Lt!).



BOO!!!!:beerchug:


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## So. IL Medic

Scout said:


> Doc in the ER has a habbit of saying " stand clear i'm discharging" while doing a shock.
> 
> 
> The childish mentality i have always sees a snigger



Back in class, and being in the part of the state where they mean Southern, the defib training line of "I'm clear, you're clear, everybody clear" became "I'm clear, you're clear, y'all clear"

I still say "y'all clear?" before sparking the pt.....:blush:


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## Short Bus

I have so many of these...One of my favorites is an old partner getting all pissy with me when we were at an MVA with a car off the side of the mountain.  It was on it's side pinned to a tree.  I was down there talking with the pt.  They were not hurt bad, but more stuck.  My cell phone rang and since we were waiting on rescue, I answered it.  She said "I can't believe you answered that!"  I said, "well, I was not doing anything else at the moment 

I also love walking into the ED and they say, "Gotta name?"  I then proceed to tell them my name.

When I stick a pt, and they ask if it is going to hurt?  I tell them, "I asure you...I wont feel a thing."


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## el Murpharino

Person being backboarded and lifted: "Please don't drop me"
Me: "We won't, we only drop people on days that end in Y".

To the lady after getting an IV: "Not bad for my first time, eh?"

From me to the ER nurse after a patient vomits all over the floor "that looks like cheese doodles and smells like peanut butter, don't you think?"...the nurse ran out of the room gagging. 
From me to the other ER nurse in the room "Murph 1, ER 0".  I didn't get a X-mas card from her that year


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## Sasha

A line I heard from a preceptor to a patient who asked if he was going to die.
_No one dies on my rig, its too much paperwork. They die in the doorway of the ER._

My personal favorite isnt really a one liner but when my instructor/preceptor intubates, he grits his teeth.
_TAKE IT!!!! Take it like the man you are!_


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## Bosco578

sasha said:


> a line i heard from a preceptor to a patient who asked if he was going to die.
> _no one dies on my rig, its too much paperwork. They die in the doorway of the er._
> 
> my personal favorite isnt really a one liner but when my instructor/preceptor intubates, he grits his teeth.
> _take it!!!! Take it like the man you are!_



ummmm  o.k.


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## Sasha

Should I add that he is trying to intubate our female dummy that is impossible to intubate with out tons of lube? 
Ahaha.. Its funny at the time, I swear.


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## Paranini

Had a particularly difficult drunk pt who kept proceeding to tell me and the cops exactly what was going to happen and how we were going to do it (regardless of the fact that he was in custody).  The cop finally had enough and informed the pt that this was not Burger King and he was not going to have it his way.  My partner literally fell out of the ambulance laughing.


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## mycrofft

*Pt had DT's, and my coworker...*

found him alternately slapping at his clothing, then freezing and looking terror stricken.

"What's wrong?".

"SNAKES!".

"Here, I'll get 'im". (Grabs front of jacket). "Better?".

"Oh, yes, thank you, thank..."

"OOPS, got away!".

"A-A-A-AH!!!   SNAKES,SNAKES!"......:blush:


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## EMT_angel66

*O2 is important*

Once I was taking in a pt that I had put on o2 and I took her off so that er could get a room o2 sat...Pt noticed as we were putting her on er stretcher that o2 was not hooked up and made the statement that no wonder she wasnt getting any o2 it wasnt hooked up without missing a beat I told her to blow in the end and she would get some o2 well I really lost it when she actually did it...lord I might have to explain that one on judgement day....lol


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## HokieEMT

Don't know if this really qualifies since it was after the fact but here it is:

My first call ever and it was during my clinicals for my EMT-B in VA.  It was an MVC at about 1000 on a beautiful spring morning.  An elderly couple rearended someone, claiming they never saw him.  Our patient was the passenger a 74 yr old female.  She was complaining of chest pain, but it didnt feel like an MI which she had had in the past.  The chest pain was caused by the seatbelt.  Here is the discourse of finding out what the pain felt like.

Medic(Attendent): What does the pain feel like?

Pt: Well it feels like what it feels like when you guys get hit in the balls.

M: Excuse me m'am.

Pt:  Ya know that intense pain you guys get when your hit in the nuts.

M: Huh?

Pt: Ya know those things that hang between your legs.

M: Yes I know those.

Pt: Well thats the feeling a woman gets when she gets hit in the breasts.
(She had the seatbelt across her chest across one of her breasts.)

So we proceeded to attach a 12-Lead just to make sure all was ok.

Pt:  What are ya trying to do feel me up or something?

M: Just laughs a little.

As were clearing the ER the medic makes a little side comment to the "feeling up" comment.

M: Oh yeah m'am your banana tits just really get me off.

Ensuing laughs from everyone.


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## volunteer227

I'm a volunteer from Ireland. My first ever "real" casualty was a guy that came off a motorbike and had an open lower leg fracture.

ME (Out of Breath): -> What happened? _(Kinda stupid question considering there was a motorbike in several different parts spread accross the road..)_

CASUALTY (Trying to get up): -> That *#!*'/% pulled straight out in front of me.

Me (Now Hypoxic): -> Lie down. Don't move..

CASUALTY: -> Ok. Ok.. Stop being a !*'/%. Is my bike ok?

Me (Under my breath but casualty still heard me): Its not nearly as *#!*'/% as your leg..


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## medicsteve2000

I was called to a condo at a ski hill in British Columbia.  I walk up to the 20 something male patient who was sitting on the bed and asked him what happened.  "Well, we were drinking all day......and decided to have a javelin throwing contest.".....what is that quote? Stupidity keeps us employed?


----------



## sixmaybemore

You can put me down as one well amused insomniac. I thought I was going to wake dh up laughing.


----------



## JELM99

My Basic instructor was telling us about a night he was calling report on his way into a hospital early one morning, and was giving the ER doc the low down.  He repeated several times over the radio that the patient had "hydro phalus."  The ER doc got fed up and just said "see ya when you get here."  Justin, bless his heart meant hydrocephalus, so when they got to the hospital he said the doc was propped up against a door way with his arms crossed, and said "so, what's up with this water d!ck?"^_^

I thought it was a good one


----------



## Amack

mikeylikesit said:


> I don't want your treatment, i just need to get to the hospital"
> Me: "taxis are a lot cheaper you know."



So true....*sigh*


----------



## Amack

A while back, one of my best Sunday partners and I were taking a discharge out of a contracted rehab floor. Our patient was a 70yr. old Nigerian woman who had fallen and broken her hip at home. After my partner and I total body lifted her sweet *** onto our stretcher, she took a square look at both of us and asked "Are you boys brothers, or sumting" To which I promptly replied: "Why?, Is that because we are FAT and WHITE?!"

The mortified glance she shot towards us in utter embarassment was timeless. It took me the better half of the transport to convince her that neither one of us was truly insulted....priceless!


----------



## LaurenAlyssa90

*Lol*



medicprincess said:


> sent for an unknown problem.  Pts daughter reports her mom hasn't been acting right since the day before.  She takes me to her 92 yr old mother, who is sitting at the kitchen table.  She has poured her cereal - milk and all - onto the table and floor.  She is scooping it up with her hands for a few bites, then licks the table like a dog, then scoops a few bites.  She then got down to the floor and licked some milk off the floor and back into her chair.
> 
> Her daughter is obviously distraught and yells at me, "do you see!!! See what she is doing!!!"
> 
> i looked right at her and said...  "oh! So this isn't how she normally eats?"
> 
> at that point her mother got up, walked to the living room, laid down on the floor and started doing the breast stroke.  I walked over to her and said
> 
> "ma'am?  Whats going on?"
> 
> she says, "i'm swimming."
> 
> me- "well ma'am, you just ate.  It hasn't been 30 minutes yet."
> 
> and she immediatly got out of her swimming pool and sat on her couch so we could talk.




that is awesome =) lol that made my day


----------



## emtsteve87

Called to a one vehicle MVC at 0730, one pt. Get there, pt is pacing watching the two cops there nervously. I get him in the rig and go through the normal questions, then this happens:

Me: "Sir, who is your doctor?"
Pt: "Not gonna lie, God is my doctor."
Cop starts laughing
Me: "So how often do you see him?"
Pt: "Oh I haven't yet, I will someday..."


later on this call:
Me: "So officer, what was his BAC?"
PD: "3.5, he was planning on seeing his doc really soon if he continued..."


----------



## mattulance

*Pms (c)*

My partner is a FTO and he was training one day when we ran on a very (+) ETOH young lady , The FTO asked the trainee to check for PMS, and then asked the trainee what PMS stood for , the patient thought she would chime in and say :"It stands for pre menstral cycle, but I am on the pill , so don't bother checking for it." We tried to explain it to her , but she was really didn't seem to understand.


----------



## marineman

The other night on a ride along we were at the nurses station in the ER finishing the report when a (apparently newer) nurse referred to the medic as an ambulance driver. He looked at the nurse and asked why she called us that and she said that's what you do, you drive an ambulance. The medic without missing a beat looks at the nurse and says you wipe asses but I don't call you an *** wipe and he turned and walked out. I've never laughed so hard in my life.


----------



## stephenrb81

Here's a few of my favs that jumped out



_Had a regular that got tired of sitting in the waiting room w/ flu-like symptoms drive home and called the ambulance. _
*
Me, feigning chipperness at 3am:* Johnny, How ya been, whats going on tonight ?
*Johnny (Not real name):* Hi Steve...I can't sleep, my head hurts, my stomach hurts, and I got diarrhea comin outta the ***
*Me, fighting back a yawn:* I sure hope so, hate to think of the other routes




_Instructor correcting my SubQ technique, Didn't like the way I was holding the syringe_
*Instructor:* You need to use your ring finger and pinky to better stabilize the syringe, hold it like you would yourself when you go to the bathroom
*Me:* Then I'll need a third hand to push the plunger      _(We're huge pervs in class)_



_From my ER-Tech days. Connecting an elderly lady who loved to cut up to an ER monitor_
*Patient, looking at the monitor:* Is that my pressure? My it's low! What's that medical word you all use when someones blood pressure gets REALLY low
*Me:* Death?


----------



## stephenrb81

JELM99 said:


> My Basic instructor was telling us about a night he was calling report on his way into a hospital early one morning, and was giving the ER doc the low down.  He repeated several times over the radio that the patient had "hydro phalus."  The ER doc got fed up and just said "see ya when you get here."  Justin, bless his heart meant hydrocephalus, so when they got to the hospital he said the doc was propped up against a door way with his arms crossed, and said "so, what's up with this water d!ck?"^_^
> 
> I thought it was a good one



That one reminded me of story that went around a service that I use to work for. One of their emt's were calling in a report and was reading from his notes. He stated he was inbound with a male patient c/o of pus-y discharge from his penis (Pustulant?) except his spelling had it as the vulgar form of vagina and he read it out loud as such


----------



## piranah

(as im loading pt into truck"...
pt: is he a good driver..???(with concerned look on her face)
me: i sure hope so..especially after what happened last week


mek..i know your on something..just tell me
pt:im not im not....
me:cmon what is it...i need to know..
pt:nothing..well...no nothing...
me:im waiting.....
ptk...maybe a lil pot...but thats it...
me:are you sure.....
ptk and about ten shots......
me:....(just stared at him)
ptk ok....i took about 5 hits of my buddies crack...
pt..G-da*n your good....
me:yup thats why they pay me the BIG bucks..
partner:fake laughed loudly...


----------



## piranah

http://www.facebook.com/s.php?sid=f...693892879&aid=-1&oid=34693892879&id=514760878


----------



## Code 3

Have to be a member :sad:


----------



## flhtci01

We had taken a lady in for chest discomfort.  Her husband was in the bay as we were unloading the cot.  He asks "Where's the doctor? SHouldn't one be here?"  The basic replied "That only happens on TV".


----------



## Hannah.911

*Third rides are the best*

Dispatched to a 50-something y/o male complaining of "sick"

AOS to find the dude sitting in front of a liquor store. 

Medic: What seems to be the problem sir?
PT: "I dun be here drinking for 3 days now, and I don't feel so good. I think I need to go to the hospital to sober up"
Medic: Did you run out of money?


----------



## silvercat354726

It was my second day of training on my new job doing transports.  I was in the back with another EMT going over pt Hx.  I am reading over the Hx and said to my partner "HIV/AIDS risk"  the pt got really upset and said that better not be in there, I quickly realized what I did and turned to the pt and asked "Are you allergic to anything?"  QUickly changed the subject and learned a lesson that day!


----------



## ChristinaM

We have a frequent flyer/drug seeker in our zone that has been calling with increased frequency irritating all crews on all shifts for the past several months. The last time we transported him to one of the local ERs, the nurse informed the doctor coming around the corner that <John Smith> is here, to which the doctor replied, quite loudly, "Good Lord, I know that man better than I know my own wife." Everyone nearly fell out laughing. B)


----------



## EMTinNEPA

There's a frequent flier we take with osteogenesis imperfecta.  No exaggeration, he'll break his collarbone by sneezing.  Anyway, we take him in every few weeks.  Last time we took him in, the doctor looks at us without saying a word and goes "Aw, <name>, now what?"


----------



## medicsteve2000

*daisies*

My partner and I were transferring a pt back to care home from hospital ward where he had been for a while, so of course he came with lots of luggage and flowers.....we ran out of hands for everything so the supine pt offered to hold some flowers.....while we were heading down the hallway, I said "Hey, look....you're pushing up daisies!!"...My partner's jaw was on the floor, family looked stunned, but the pt was laughing himself silly.


----------



## Jaybro713

Today I ran a code in the freezing cold.  Pt found by neighbors outside unresponsive.  We quickly moved the pt to the back of the truck and I was doing compressions.  My partner immediately started cutting off the guy's jacket when she made it about a foot up the sleeve she realized it was down-feather jacket.  The entire back of the ambulance filled with feathers.

The medics arrive a couple minutes later and open the back door.  The first medic walks in and says "who killed the duck?"  I almost fell from laughing so hard.


----------



## abriggs

marineman said:


> The other night on a ride along we were at the nurses station in the ER finishing the report when a (apparently newer) nurse referred to the medic as an ambulance driver. He looked at the nurse and asked why she called us that and she said that's what you do, you drive an ambulance. The medic without missing a beat looks at the nurse and says you wipe asses but I don't call you an *** wipe and he turned and walked out. I've never laughed so hard in my life.



Absolutely my favorite so far!!!


----------



## emtsteve87

We get called to an MVC with a leg amputation. we package the patient and the leg, then the leg comes up missing....turns out the police thought it needed to go to the hospital first.  So the leg gets there about 5 minutes before us, the radiologist takes the leg, puts it on the floor in the pt's room and starts to x-ray it. We get there and overhear a Dr say "I'm going to go out on a limb and say that its broken..." one of the most hilarious things Ive ever heard...


----------



## aussieemt1980

funny lot we are, with the gallows humour

I had a gentleman come past my house the other day while I was washing my car. The usual joke passed - 'you can do mine when you are done' and in the spirit of the joke came my reply 'sure, it will cost you an arm and a leg'.

The gentleman got very angry and sped off on his scooter.

I saw him 2 days later, on the side that was facing away from me. He was an amputee from the knee down. I felt horrible.


----------



## MRE

aussieemt1980 said:


> funny lot we are, with the gallows humour
> 
> I had a gentleman come past my house the other day while I was washing my car. The usual joke passed - 'you can do mine when you are done' and in the spirit of the joke came my reply 'sure, it will cost you an arm and a leg'.
> 
> The gentleman got very angry and sped off on his scooter.
> 
> I saw him 2 days later, on the side that was facing away from me. He was an amputee from the knee down. I felt horrible.



So that means he only got half his car washed?  

Guess he didn't want to part with the arm for the other half.


----------



## Kendall

Jaybro713 said:


> The medics arrive a couple minutes later and open the back door.  The first medic walks in and says "who killed the duck?"  I almost fell from laughing so hard.



Oh my goodness! I just about fell off my chair! Thats amazing and may have made my day


----------



## Fir Na Au Saol

Was assessing an ETOH patient that FD had found taking a nap in the middle of the street. 

Me: "Sir, are you allergic to anything?"
Pt: "A$$holes!"
Me: "Whadda ya know. So am I!"


----------



## Fir Na Au Saol

Oops, double posted somehow.


----------



## Aidey

This happened in a more southerly state. Both patients were slightly intoxicated and spoke with heavy accents. 

We are called to an assault late in the evening, police on scene. We get there and decided to divide and conquer. My partner goes to the female, I go to the male. There is a police officer standing with each. As I walk up the officer gives me a very exasperated look, which didn't bode well with me. 

Here is the conversation that ensued 

Me: Sir, I'm a medic with the ambulance, what is your name.
Pt: She hit me with a smoothie!!! (pronounced "smoovie") 
Me: What is your name?
Pt: "Bob", are you gonna arrest her?!?!
Cop: That is what we are trying to figure out.
Me: Sir, what happened here tonight? 
Pt: She hit me with a da*m smoothie! 

I look over the patient and observe that he does not appear to be covered in anything that looks like a smoothie. 

Me: (playing along) where did she hit you? 
Pt: In the head. I demand you arrest her! 
Cop: Sir, we generally don't arrest people for throwing their drinks. 

Pt: No! She hit me with a smoothie! You know, like you smooth (smoov) your clothes with! 

When he said this he also pantomimed someone ironing clothes. 

The Cop and I just look at each other in shock and amusement. I asked the patient "Sir, do you mean an iron?" and he replied "Yeah! One of 'dem smoothies!" 

At this point we moved him to the ambulance for a more complete assessment....

Somehow I managed to keep a straight face for most of the transport, however after we dropped him off I collapsed laughing.


----------



## Doug

Not a one liner but funny story I thought.
   Called for a heroin overdose.  Found male in 20's A&Ox3 but...mellow,dig?
No distress, nice and relaxed answers questions etc.  I ask the person who called "What's going on?"  "Well, he took heroin."
  Me:"Did you take heroin.
  Son: yeah
  Me:  First time?
  Son: No
  Me: Usual dose for you?
  Son: Yeah
  Me:  Your Usual dealer?  Trust him?
  Son: Oh yeah man.
  Me: Well, ma'am what makes you think he's OD'd?
  Mother: He Took heroin.
  Me:  Yes Ma'am I know.  But technically speaking...he's DOSED...he's taken the proper amount for his desired effect.
  Mother:  Well, give him some of that Narc-Off stuff...
  Me: Narcan ma'am and no...that would make him very very angry.

   Finally got him to go with us after I told the mother that she needs to call police and get the pt removed as he is trespassing, he pays no rent and is "crashing" there.  At word "cops" he was up and out the door heading for the truck...it also helps that it was about 10 degrees out.


----------



## LukaPL

I was givingreport on a radio about a older lady who fell in the elevator and hit her face, so she was bleeding from a nose and from lip.
Nurse in hospital asked me "did she lose any teeth?
grandma replied: yeah all of them... in 1994.


----------



## Second

aussieemt1980 said:


> funny lot we are, with the gallows humour



I know pretty much what gallows humor is I just looked it up to make sure, I couldn't do anything but laugh at it.

here ya go if your interested http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gallows_humor


----------



## amberdt03

ok so this doesn't really deal with ems but I thought it was funny anyways. a trooper friend of mine told me this story of a drunk driver he pulled over. he said that he saw this guy weaving all over the road so he pulled him over. now this guy he pulled over was mexican. my friend said that all he had to do was walk up the the vehicle and he knew the guy was drunk. now remember this guy is mexican. my friend said he got up to the window and the first thing this guy says is " i don't speak spanish" my trooper buddy replied, " well neither do i so i think we'll be ok"


----------



## Silverstone

I worked in dispatch for two years before going to the streets at my current service.  We use EMD protocols, and going through protocol 17, the ProQA asks "What caused the fall".  While asking a caller this on 911 the field supervisor pipes up and says, "gravity". :wacko: I chuckled.

Another good one was while dispatching an ambulance out as a "cold response" one of the medics in my dispatch went, "burrrr...." I had to stop dispatching mid-sentence to collect myself.  You had to be there. :blush:


----------



## mxjagracer

*Too much to list....*

HAHAHA just found this. I dont even know where to start.....

Me: Any medical problems sir? Asthma, bronchitis, emphysema, seizures, hypertension, herpecyphillis?
Him: Yea, I got that!
Me: Herpecyphillis?
Him: Yea!
Me: Ok, is that herpecyphillis type a or c?
Him: Yea, type C.

This one is from tonight about their 1 month old premie, supposed DIB....
Him: Yea, she stopped breathing for 30 minutes.
Me: Thirty minutes?!?!?!
Him: Yea, 30 minutes.
Me: ......... ( I was speechless)

About 6 months ago... We got the call for testicle problems if you will...
Me: Whats going on sir?
Him: Well, I went to the hospital cause my balls hurt. And they gave me these pills. Now my pain is gone, but my balls are too.
Me: So hold on a second. So you had pain in your balls?
Him: Yes
Me: And they gave you some pills for the pain right?
Him: Yes
Me: So the pain is gone, but no more balls? Your balls are just gone?
Him: Thas right!

Assault I had tonight, after walking into the blood on the cockroach infested floor of the apartment.
 I said to the cop, after I realized I was walking on this guys little blood splatters: Its ok, the cockroaches will clean it up?

Ever take 20 minutes explaining to someones parent that the antibiotics, or pain medicine the hospital gave them take longer than a day (for the antibiotic) or 10 minutes (for the pain pill) to take effect, JUST TO HAVE THEM TURN TO THEIR 10 YEAR OLD AND SAY "Well, do you want to go to the hospital?" OR, even better! When the mom is the one who has the sniffles, and she turns and asks the 10 year old if they think she should go to the hospital?

Ever had to convince someone that they should probably go to the hospital cause they just got their a** beat and are definitely gonna need stitches? Some people just dont even know whats good for themselves.....


----------



## mxjagracer

NEW ONE FOR TONIGHT!!!! 

(Reffering to his wife with chrons diseases...)
Him: She got Chrome disease and kidney stones
Me: Oh, did you say chrome disease? (very clear pronunciation for chrome, not chrons)
Him: Yea, Chrome disease

Typical <_<


----------



## NEMed2

I have a habit of telling all my patients that 'this may be a little uncomfortable at first' when putting them on NCs.  (I deal with a lot of cranky elderly people, its just easier that way.) So, out of habit I say this to a much younger & healthy patient presenting with sudden onset arrhythmia, while the medic is setting up for cardioversion.  The medic looks at her and says "not nearly as uncomfortable as what I'm about to do".  LOL.  

Arrival at the ED-
Triage nurse: Do you have a cardiologist?
Patient: No.
Triage nurse: You do now.

Good thing she was in good spirits considering the situation.


----------



## MedicRuss

*Why oh why?*

Picked up a 29 yo M whose mother dropped him off at a local FD...  Pt was complaining of a salty taste in his mouth after taking a sea salt bath (because it made his skin soft and offered to let me feel) x20 minutes.  On the way to the hospital, he asks me if this was caused by the cosmic shift....  Then when I get to the ER triage desk, the nurse is speechless and can't find a valid complaint (obviously) to file it under in the computer...he was discharged 10 minutes later


----------



## benkfd

mxjagracer said:


> Ever had to convince someone that they should probably go to the hospital cause they just got their a** beat and are definitely gonna need stitches? Some people just dont even know whats good for themselves.....



Been there, done that, unfortunately too many times to count. Try it when they don't (supposedly) speak a lick of english! No that's frustrating:wacko:


----------



## FaustKnight

Aidey said:


> Here is the conversation that ensued
> 
> Me: Sir, I'm a medic with the ambulance, what is your name.
> Pt: She hit me with a smoothie!!! (pronounced "smoovie")
> Me: What is your name?
> Pt: "Bob", are you gonna arrest her?!?!
> Cop: That is what we are trying to figure out.
> Me: Sir, what happened here tonight?
> Pt: She hit me with a da*m smoothie!
> 
> I look over the patient and observe that he does not appear to be covered in anything that looks like a smoothie.
> 
> Me: (playing along) where did she hit you?
> Pt: In the head. I demand you arrest her!
> Cop: Sir, we generally don't arrest people for throwing their drinks.
> 
> Pt: No! She hit me with a smoothie! You know, like you smooth (smoov) your clothes with!
> 
> When he said this he also pantomimed someone ironing clothes.
> 
> The Cop and I just look at each other in shock and amusement. I asked the patient "Sir, do you mean an iron?" and he replied "Yeah! One of 'dem smoothies!"
> 
> At this point we moved him to the ambulance for a more complete assessment....
> 
> Somehow I managed to keep a straight face for most of the transport, however after we dropped him off I collapsed laughing.




You know....that exact thing almost word for word was on an Episode of Third Watch in season 2....watched it a couple days ago.


----------



## Sasha

Overheard on a floor the last time I was at the hospital, a nurse trying to get consent for a colonoscopy from the patient's son. "Okay, but if you find any money in there, it's mine!"


----------



## benkfd

*High Water warning*

Today watched a FF/Paramedic drive a grass truck through high water (about 48" worth) trying to get to a possible stroke pt. They did reach the pt. (after the truck stalled at least 3 times in the water) and convinced her that she should go into the hospital to be evaluated. The bad news..... When they got back out to the truck it wasn't running...... so they couldn't back the truck up to off load the BOAT off the trailer that they were pulling behind it to get the pt. to us!:huh::excl:


----------



## elle

FaustKnight said:


> You know....that exact thing almost word for word was on an Episode of Third Watch in season 2....watched it a couple days ago.



ah interesting  huh sasha


----------



## sabbymedic

Middle of the night and it has been a busy one. Get a call as second car to MVC car vs horse. The scene has horse parts everywhere and the end trails are stuck to the back window of the car. Two pt's from back seat are sitting on the front lawn of someones house.

Bring them back to the ambulance where there is light to see what the pt was covered in.

With one tired look and the brake to stop what you are thinking from coming out of your mouth at 3 in the morning I took one look at the guy and said dude you are covered in @#$%t.


----------



## sabbymedic

This one I did as a new medic. Palpating a broken leg I stated to my senior partner that the patient did not have any step off deformity in his leg.

Never still have not lived that one down.


----------



## Shishkabob

I can one up everyone... I have a on worder!


I was working in the ED and toying around with the NIBP and pressed the wrong button... "Oops"

The pt and his family just stared at me like he was going to die or something.  Nurse and doctor laughed because they caught on.


----------



## studmints

akflightmedic said:


> Nice topic.
> 
> Way too many to list....
> 
> One in particular, had a patient call for chest pains. He was a large man sitting in his armchair not looking well. I asked him if he thought he could stand up, pivot and sit on the stretcher.
> 
> As he leaned forward to stand, he made the most awful face and then collapsed in cardiac arrest.
> 
> I shrugged my shoulders and said "guess thats a no".



Thats by far one of the funniest things ive had the pleasure of reading.


----------



## U2623

*These are great lol*

Drew the short end of the stick one day and got pulled out of the EMS system to back up one of our IFT cars for a lift-assist. Not too happy about it we found out that this pt was one of our own frequent fliers, 550lbs, and lived in a double-wide mobile home. The hospital would always get pissed when we'd wheel her in with four fire-fighters as our own lift-assist. Anyways, our moods soured even more.

We walk in, find the crew there with their gurney putting a sheet on it. Doc walks by and looks at the gurney, feigning exasperation, "I specifically asked for your forklift RA this time!" That line made the whole trip worth it!

Also whenever we have the fake seizure that gives us the one arm for a BP, or shifts position for a more comfortable one on the gurney, we always have the new guy "ensure a patent airway" and have him lube up and drop an NP. Then we all laugh at the smug look on his face at having performed a medical miracle.


----------



## EmsPrincess*

akflightmedic said:


> nice topic.
> 
> Way too many to list....
> 
> One in particular, had a patient call for chest pains. He was a large man sitting in his armchair not looking well. I asked him if he thought he could stand up, pivot and sit on the stretcher.
> 
> As he leaned forward to stand, he made the most awful face and then collapsed in cardiac arrest.
> 
> I shrugged my shoulders and said "guess thats a no".



hilarious!


----------



## EmsPrincess*

JJR512 said:


> I once heard a paramedic say within ear shot of distraught family members that "death can sometimes be a side effect of having 95 birthdays".



Funny...I've been taking care of a 96 year old woman for a few years now and occasionally she will say, " I just don't know why I'm so tired."
Ummm, I have an idea...


----------



## Stewart1990

Not mine, but a couple of EMTs in my old FD: (paraphrased)

They got a call to a local bar for a 30-something y/o w/ assumed seizure. After treatment, 'Amanda' asks "David' , "Wonder what made her tachy?" 
David: "Did you see what she was wearing? she walked in there more 'tacky' than when she left!"

Guess you had to be there.....


----------



## nomofica

Stewart1990 said:


> Not mine, but a couple of EMTs in my old FD: (paraphrased)
> 
> They got a call to a local bar for a 30-something y/o w/ assumed seizure. After treatment, 'Amanda' asks "David' , "Wonder what made her tachy?"
> David: "Did you see what she was wearing? she walked in there more 'tacky' than when she left!"
> 
> Guess you had to be there.....



LOL! That's great!


----------



## paramedic2600

i've had that happen


----------



## benkfd

Probably one of the best ones was we were working a cardiac arrest and one of the medics goes to start an IO in the pt. He pushes the needle carefully through the skin and goes to drill.  As he pushes on the needle it bends!!!!! He calmly and nonshelantly pulls out the needle, looks at it and states "guess that's going to be an email!" Then grabs another needle and tries again.


----------



## Stewart1990

Not to a patient (at least not a patient YET)- 

What if I fall and get hurt?"
Medic: I'll have you naked and on a chopper before you wake up.


----------



## DV_EMT

Said my my EMT instructor,

cop: there's a guy popping off rounds upstairs and a body on the stairwell

instuctor (as EMT): I don't think i should go get him... looks unsafe

Cop: don't worry, I'll cover ya.


(the guy was dead as a doornail)


----------



## capceo

One of those things you just had to be there for, but some of you may find it amusing:

Call was for a 65YOM - Diabetic Emergency

We get there just as ALS is arriving.

Walk into the man's room, and he's kinda going in and out, gotta yell at him every few minutes to prevent him from going unconscious. Medic starts an IV.

Me: "Ok sir, Im going to tell you three words, and I want you to remember them. Im going to ask you what they were in a few minutes."

Pt. "Uh, Ok."

Me: "Ok. The words are Apple, Orange, and Car."

Pt. "Apple Orange and Car?"

Me: "Yep"

5 minutes later, the guy is totally with it now that his blood sugar has been adressed.

Me: "So do you remember those three words I told you before?"

Pt: "Sure! Bet your *** I do! Apple! Orange! Car! See!?! I remember! Watch this! Ill even say them in Spanish! Manzana! Naranja! Caro!

Me: "Great Job! I guess your feeling better!"

Pt: "Uh, Yeah sure. Can I go to the hospital now?"


----------



## MedicTom

Trying to lighten the mood with some patients we say, "Don't worry we won't drop you.  We only drop patients on days ending in Y."  

I once got to a call for a DOA.  The girlfriend met us at the door (where you could see he was obviously dead) and said, "I think he's dead.  I took pictures.  Would you like to see?"


----------



## amberdt03

MedicTom said:


> Trying to lighten the mood with some patients we say, "Don't worry we won't drop you.  We only drop patients on days ending in Y."



i do that too except saying days ending in y, i just use whatever day it is.


----------



## JJR512

What I say about dropping people, I say it when loading into the ambulance: "A couple bumps going in...A few more if we drop you."

Naturally, some discretion is needed to know when it is not OK to say this.

(Learned this from a co-worker.)


----------



## HotelCo

Since I look so young, people ask me if I know what I'm doing and if I'm good at IVs. My reply is "Yep, I watched a lot of ER when it was on the air, that's a good substitute for training, isn't it?". Of course... discretion is the key here.


----------



## Buzz

"Now, I'm no doctor... but I'm pretty sure that arm isn't supposed to look like the letter Z." ~Overheard while trying to talk a patient into going to the hospital after falling.


----------



## emt_angel25

we were taking a psych pt to another hospital and had one of our local cops with us. 

pt: im really, really thirsty.....cant i just have somthing to drink?

cop: (while holding a 44oz soda) nope. there is no food or drink allowed in ambulances. (takes super long drik from his soda)

pt: you just drank somthing.....why cant i?

cop: thats cause i have a gun and these people have to do what i say.


i had to turn around and find something to fiddle with to keep from laughing to hard infront of my pt.


----------



## Jac [ITA]

We were taking the vitals of a patient, my partner (who was compiling the report) asks me the data from the pulseoxymeter. So I say "Sat is 100% HR is 89" and the patient asks me what it all means and I explain to her what it was. 
Then the patient ask "They are normal?" I replied "Yes, they are fine. _For now..._" 

I didn't want to say it but it just slipped out! Fortunately my self preserving instinct kicked in and lowered my voice so it was barely audible.... :glare:


----------



## TheAfterAffect

Taking a drunk kid outta his College room, Totally unresponsive, Medics released due to the close vicinity to the hospital and that they felt he was secure (Hospital was literally 400 yards away), So anyways, Loaded him on the cot, Got him in the rig. He was leaning off to the side by the supply wall (No CPR Seat in our rigs). Anyways, We get going and hit a nice little bump kid rolls his head up and over and smacks into a steel bar on the bottom of the Supply Closet. Wakes up,  Looks at my partner, "OW, Why did you hit me?" and passes back out. I couldnt control myself, She just goes "Well I guess we know that he has painful stimuli at least"


----------



## Second

we got a call for a woman who got hit in the head with a pan, the medic I was with almost called back on the radio "was it a frying pan or a boiling pan?" I near about died laughing in the back


----------



## Amack

HotelCo said:


> Since I look so young, people ask me if I know what I'm doing and if I'm good at IVs. My reply is "Yep, I watched a lot of ER when it was on the air, that's a good substitute for training, isn't it?". Of course... discretion is the key here.



haha good one!


----------



## cprguys

*late one night*

we had a lady call for difficulty breathing when we arrived she was smoking a cigarette.  when asked to please put the cigarette out she looked at us and said, "I thought I called the paramedics not the pair of axx holes."  Who couldn't laugh at that.


----------



## ffdanpburg20

"Oh! So _that's_ where the BP cuff goes."


----------



## emilykey

Hey yall! I'm new here, well new to posting anyways. I work for a private company in North Louisiana. We get alot of calls at the prison and have to transport to monroe, a very long ride! Most of our pts are handcuffed and strapped everywhere possible to the stretcher. We always have a guard with us. WELL... we were pulling up to the hospital and there are pot holes and speed bumbs everywhere so its pretty bumpy, as you can imagine. My partner takes the bumps as slow and easy as she could but it really doesn't help. when we go to unload our pt, he says dang! these roads are crazy bumpy! My partner replies yea, and theres not a da** thing you can do about it. meaning that you cant go around them or possibly take them any slower. the inmate, our pt, gets this look on his face like, did she really just say that to me?! We had to explain ourselves. It wasn't that he was handcuffed that he couldnt do anything....guess you just had to be there!


----------



## 033317

LukaPL said:


> I was givingreport on a radio about a older lady who fell in the elevator and hit her face, so she was bleeding from a nose and from lip.
> Nurse in hospital asked me "did she lose any teeth?
> grandma replied: yeah all of them... in 1994.



Now that is funny, just hope that the nurse heard grandma say it


----------



## JJR512

I recently took home a VIP (former long-time political figure, much respected and beloved here in MD). As we were bringing the stretcher through his residence, there was a cat there who kept getting in the way, trying to walk around and under the stretcher. I kept trying to shoo it away, and then the patient said, "You care more about the cat than your patient!"

To which I replied, in an effort to convince him that I actually was worrying about his cat as part of my overall concern for him: "If I run over the cat, it's gonna get pretty bumpy."

His aide/spokesperson/whatever let out a mildly shocked sound but the patient himself just chuckled a bit.


----------



## Novocaine

*all too common*



ChristinaM said:


> We have a frequent flyer/drug seeker in our zone that has been calling with increased frequency irritating all crews on all shifts for the past several months. The last time we transported him to one of the local ERs, the nurse informed the doctor coming around the corner that <John Smith> is here, to which the doctor replied, quite loudly, "Good Lord, I know that man better than I know my own wife." Everyone nearly fell out laughing. B)



Have a "chest pain" pt that does this after dialysis all the time.  I've taken this pt I have out of base hospital, past other hospitals, past another base hospital to arrive where they wanted to go.  Upon arrival 20 min away I've had a nurse say to me "why did you bring her here?"  Another partner I have, told me if you stay at the base hospital we pick her up at the er staff says "Jayne doe is here to fake it! Everybody get ready"


----------



## BigBoy

In the ER there was a pt with a lot of things wrong with her. I was looking at the monitor and her hr was at 40 and thinking to my self thats not goood.
pt daughter: she has IHSS and the explains the hr of 40
Doc: OH really they usually dont live that long

he said that right in front of the pt.


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## Ped101

Comming to the ER with a MVA victim, the doctor, extremely loudly commented to a nurse passing by

"Is she really a girl? wow..."


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## djmedic913

Foxbat said:


> I asked a pt. once to "give me a finger" (so I could put a pulse-ox sensor on it). She laughed.



I always ask my patients to give me THE finger for the pulse ox...it usually gets a laugh...some give me the finger with a big smile...others give me any other finger in which I reply "that on works as well" and they usually get the joke then


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## djmedic913

OK, I got 2 for everyone...

1] we arrive on scene to find this guy standing at a pay phone. The Pt states he was drunk and laid himself down on a friends floor. he said he felt something walk into his ear. So he poured drinking alcohol into his ear.
On the way to the hospital, I made my patch..."Inbound with a xx y/o male Pt with a drunk cockroach in his ear."


2]Get a call to "meet the police". usually "meet the police" means a psych issue. So we pull next to the cop standing on the sidewalk, roll down the window and ask what's going on?. he points to a women doing the pee-pee dance about 20 feet. As I get out she comes running over screaming "MY COOCHIE IS BURNING". she creams this a few times. So I asked what happened?. She said early in the day her knee was bothering her and friend told her to bengay on the joint.(see where this is going). So she said her upper inner thigh was bothering her...and yup she put bengay on her upper inner thigh. I asked do you think you could have accidently got some there? she said no. she also told me she tried washing it and it still burns. So off to the hospital. And guess what the patch was...yup..."Inbound with a xx y/o female complaining of "Coochie burning"

we can't make this stuff up...


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## djmedic913

el Murpharino said:


> Person being backboarded and lifted: "Please don't drop me"
> Me: "We won't, we only drop people on days that end in Y".



I do something similar. I always tell patients that we only drop patients on [yesterdays day of the week]. I do this for 2 reasons. 1)it helps with evaluating alertness. When patients realize that it is not today, they always have a humorous comment to make.



el Murpharino said:


> To the lady after getting an IV: "Not bad for my first time, eh?"



I've done this as well. or something similar. I've said I have done this once or twice before. it usually gets a laugh from the Pt


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## madmeg

ok not a one liner but-
I went to a pt who was reported as a bit woozy and confused. I did the assessment while the paramedic let me get on with it. After the usual questions I did the old, can you squeeze my hands, smile for me routine. The paramedic says- are you going to check out his feet as well. So like an idiot I bend down put my hands on top of his shoes and say - now can you pull against my hands- and then remember- the guy is a double amputee! I already knew this cos he was wearing shorts! Talk about red faced!:blush:


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## Second

^ thats great!!


----------



## enjoynz

My hubbie partner was driving the ambulance with an ETOH frequent flyer on board. 
Hubbie was in the back...Partner asked him a question to which hubbie called out
 'Okey Dokey' ...Partner asked him to repeat it...he thought he said 
"Alkey, Alkey'
Oops!

Cheers Enjoynz


----------



## B.K.

when asking about last oral intake...
her:i had a burger about an hour ago..
mewith a serious face on) was it delicious?


----------



## Sapphyre

B.K. said:


> when asking about last oral intake...
> her:i had a burger about an hour ago..
> mewith a serious face on) was it delicious?



Not had a decent warm meal in a while, had you?


----------



## Sail195

so this is a little twist, heard this story a few weeks ago they went out for a drugie they get all the time and they had a medic student on the truck doing ride time and let her do the line in the guy and she missed an fished for a bit and the drugie finnaly goes, "are you serious right now that thing is huge do you want me to do it" lol


----------



## MRE

jberube said:


> so this is a little twist, heard this story a few weeks ago they went out for a drugie they get all the time and they had a medic student on the truck doing ride time and let her do the line in the guy and she missed an fished for a bit and the drugie finnaly goes, "are you serious right now that thing is huge do you want me to do it" lol



Similar to this, I had an patient who had taken large amounts of his anxiety medication, and probably some other stuff.  He was going in and out of consciousness, and when the medic went to start the line, he suddenly became very alert and started telling the medic that they were putting the needle in too deep along with some other unwanted advice.  Seems he had some experience with needles before.


----------



## jordanfstop

me to nurse:

after waiting for about five/ten minutes at the not-so-busy ER 

"can we get a bed over here? got an MI here..."

"how do you know he's having a heart attack?"

"the 12-lead ekg is showing a very apparent STEMI."

"well is he a heartstat?"

"i don't know, i'm not a doctor. i just want to drop my patient off."


----------



## PapaBear434

Our stretchers drop a little when coming out of the back of the rig.  About three or four inches.  Which feels more like a foot and a half when you are the one strapped to the thing and don't know it's coming.

So I usually warn folks with a little humor.  "Ok, hon, a couple bumps coming out of this thing, and a little drop.  But don't worry, I haven't dropped anyone yet.  Well, any that have complained, anyway."

It gets a laugh, gets them ready, and lets them relax a bit.

About the funniest thing I've seen recently, though, is a team come into the hospital right behind us.  The ER was busy, and we were all waiting for beds, and the nurse was going down the line asking 

_Nurse: "Which ones were you again?"

Me: "We have the lateral dislocation on the left knee."

Nurse: "Ouch, ok, we'll get the bed in a minute.  How about you guys?"

EMT: "We have the SOB."

Patient: "Excuse me!?"

EMT: "What?"

Patient: "What the f*** did you just call me!?"

EMT: "I didn't call you anything, Sir.  I was just..."

Patient: "What, you don't think I heard you!?"  

Nurse: "Sir, Sir!  Calm down.  What our young friend here MEANT to say was "Shortness of Breath," or SOB in hospital speak.  He wasn't calling you any names, he just wasn't thinking."

Patient: "Right...  Ok, I guess.  Son, you might want to watch that s***, or someone is going to come off this bed and smack you."_

Me and my partner were laughing, and so was our patient, who winced every time he did so but couldn't stop if he wanted to.  Unintended, but still a great moment.


----------



## Second

nothing to do with EMS but, when I went to see the transformers. When everyone starts gearing up I leaned over to my friend "Broken Arrow, Flaming Sword, Flush the toilet LETS GO!"

maybe its one of those gotta be there kinda things but we couldnt stop laughing for 20 min.


----------



## Sail195

ok heard this story last night and almost died laughing... truck gets toned out for chest pains to a guy who has had a history of heart issues amongst other things (one of our regulars) they get him in the truck put him on the monitor and his sinus, and the medic turns to him and goes now Im not a doctor but i did stay at a holiday in express last night and you sir are not having a heart attack! lol thought I would share haha


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## djmedic913

jberube said:


> ok heard this story last night and almost died laughing... truck gets toned out for chest pains to a guy who has had a history of heart issues amongst other things (one of our regulars) they get him in the truck put him on the monitor and his sinus, and the medic turns to him and goes now Im not a doctor but i did stay at a holiday in express last night and you sir are not having a heart attack! lol thought I would share haha



LOL.
I said that last night to a Pt. My Partner told the Pt "See we do have a clue of what we're doing" and I said, "Well, at least we stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night."


----------



## WuLabsWuTecH

PapaBear434 said:


> Our stretchers drop a little when coming out of the back of the rig.  About three or four inches.  Which feels more like a foot and a half when you are the one strapped to the thing and don't know it's coming.
> 
> So I usually warn folks with a little humor.  "Ok, hon, a couple bumps coming out of this thing, and a little drop.  But don't worry, I haven't dropped anyone yet.  Well, any that have complained, anyway."
> 
> It gets a laugh, gets them ready, and lets them relax a bit.
> 
> About the funniest thing I've seen recently, though, is a team come into the hospital right behind us.  The ER was busy, and we were all waiting for beds, and the nurse was going down the line asking
> 
> _Nurse: "Which ones were you again?"
> 
> Me: "We have the lateral dislocation on the left knee."
> 
> Nurse: "Ouch, ok, we'll get the bed in a minute.  How about you guys?"
> 
> EMT: "We have the SOB."
> 
> Patient: "Excuse me!?"
> 
> EMT: "What?"
> 
> Patient: "What the f*** did you just call me!?"
> 
> EMT: "I didn't call you anything, Sir.  I was just..."
> 
> Patient: "What, you don't think I heard you!?"
> 
> Nurse: "Sir, Sir!  Calm down.  What our young friend here MEANT to say was "Shortness of Breath," or SOB in hospital speak.  He wasn't calling you any names, he just wasn't thinking."
> 
> Patient: "Right...  Ok, I guess.  Son, you might want to watch that s***, or someone is going to come off this bed and smack you."_
> 
> Me and my partner were laughing, and so was our patient, who winced every time he did so but couldn't stop if he wanted to.  Unintended, but still a great moment.



I guess he got his breath back!


----------



## paramedichopeful

HokieEMT said:


> Don't know if this really qualifies since it was after the fact but here it is:
> 
> My first call ever and it was during my clinicals for my EMT-B in VA.  It was an MVC at about 1000 on a beautiful spring morning.  An elderly couple rearended someone, claiming they never saw him.  Our patient was the passenger a 74 yr old female.  She was complaining of chest pain, but it didnt feel like an MI which she had had in the past.  The chest pain was caused by the seatbelt.  Here is the discourse of finding out what the pain felt like.
> 
> Medic(Attendent): What does the pain feel like?
> 
> Pt: Well it feels like what it feels like when you guys get hit in the balls.
> 
> M: Excuse me m'am.
> 
> Pt:  Ya know that intense pain you guys get when your hit in the nuts.
> 
> M: Huh?
> 
> Pt: Ya know those things that hang between your legs.
> 
> M: Yes I know those.
> 
> Pt: Well thats the feeling a woman gets when she gets hit in the breasts.
> (She had the seatbelt across her chest across one of her breasts.)
> 
> So we proceeded to attach a 12-Lead just to make sure all was ok.
> 
> Pt:  What are ya trying to do feel me up or something?
> 
> M: Just laughs a little.
> 
> As were clearing the ER the medic makes a little side comment to the "feeling up" comment.
> 
> M: Oh yeah m'am your banana tits just really get me off.
> 
> Ensuing laughs from everyone.


OMG!!! That is like the funniest thing I have ever heard when it comes to someone having a wreck. Kudos to that one, definitely!


----------



## Medic744

This was while I was working in admitting in a hospital.  The patient was brought in by PD because she was claiming that she was SOB.  Pt had been in a week prior and had her jaw wired shut after meeting the business end of a hockey stick in an alercation with her ex BF new GF.  We were really busy since the ER doc was just doing her Once in Blue Moon ER duty (she was normally family practice and had her own office) so patient went through triage and out to the waiting room with her escorts.  She jumped up ran to my window and begins yelling that she can't breathe and needs to be seen NOW (which is funny when you are trying to "yell" and have your jaw wired shut). The cops about died laughing when I looked her in the eye and said" Honey, if you can yell at me, you can breathe but we need to tighten those wires cause you bring a whole new meaning to spittin' mad."  Needless to say I was not one of her favorite people the rest of the night.


----------



## Lenny61

Got a ringing alarm and caught a bunch of kids up to no good in the back of the business. These kids are all emo, pasted hair, tight jean types. We tell them to get dressed and come out. Me to the emo kid, "how did you get those tight pants on so quick, dude?"

AOS TFA dramatic, drunk girl laying in a parking lot. Nothing wrong with her besides etoh. 
Her to my partner "what's wrong with me?"
My partner "well, you're a girl, which means your crazy. That's whats wrong with you"
Her to all of us while running around "Get this F'ing a-hole away from me!"


----------



## oneluv79

Once when taking a pt. temp.(with probe in mouth)

I say: "Ma'ma, please hold still so it doesn't go in too far...."

Pt replies w/: "it's okay it has happened a few times before...."

The pt. and I both look around and brust out in laugher.....


oneluv79


----------



## Shishkabob

"Oops"



Hey... I laughed.


----------



## Sasha

> if you can yell at me, you can breathe



I really hate this phrase, because it's incredibly false.


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## LIL_M0

When I was in EMT school we just so happened to get a call to my ex-girlfriends house. The paramedic let me get the history:

Me: Last oral int-
Her: What?! Why'd you ask me that in front of him?! You're so nasty!
Me: ... 

After we dropped her off the paramedic, driver and I laughed all the way back to the fire station.


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## usafmedic45

Sasha said:


> I really hate this phrase, because it's incredibly false.


Only if they can't do it in full sentences.


----------



## usafmedic45

I walked up on a scene of car accident with two Good Samaritans (a man doing compressions and a woman using a pocket mask to ventilate) doing CPR on a guy who was obviously dead from the trauma to his head. 

Me: "Would you please be so kind as to stop flogging that corpse?"
Man: "What do you mean? He doesn't have a pulse.  If we stop, he dies!"
Me: "Trust me, when HE stopped is when he died."
Woman: "How can you be so sure?"
Me: "Every time you give him a breath, more of it comes out his ears than goes into his lungs.  Also...."
Woman: "That just means I need to reposition his head."
Me: "It's not polite to interrupt someone when they are speaking.  As I was saying, another good sign is the fact that you have his brains all over your hands."

That got them to stop.


----------



## usafmedic45

Scene:  Childhood friend of mine/neighbor of my grandmother lost his fingers on one hand after sticking them under a running lawnmoever to unclog the chute.  Don't ask....it makes my head hurt thinking about how stupid he had to be to do that; I went over to take care of him until the ambulance got there.  

Harry (a medic friend of mine who was on the ambulance that responded): "So, did you find all the fingers?"
Me:  *hands him the cup full of ice containing the baggie with the fingers* Yup, all six of them.
Harry gave me a blank stare for a couple of seconds....he looked at his hand and started to count his fingers.
Me: "I'm screwing with you. I found all FIVE of them.  Have fun."


----------



## GR1N53N

usafmedic45 said:


> I walked up on a scene of car accident with two Good Samaritans (a man doing compressions and a woman using a pocket mask to ventilate) doing CPR on a guy who was obviously dead from the trauma to his head.
> 
> Me: "Would you please be so kind as to stop flogging that corpse?"
> Man: "What do you mean? He doesn't have a pulse.  If we stop, he dies!"
> Me: "Trust me, when HE stopped is when he died."
> Woman: "How can you be so sure?"
> Me: "Every time you give him a breath, more of it comes out his ears than goes into his lungs.  Also...."
> Woman: "That just means I need to reposition his head."
> Me: "It's not polite to interrupt someone when they are speaking.  As I was saying, another good sign is the fact that you have his brains all over your hands."
> 
> That got them to stop.




As hilarious as that was, you gotta give them credit for trying. Bystander CPR rates are terrible, so its nice to see it when it does happen, even if its a little misguided.  Hopefully you/the brains didn't traumatize them to the point that they wouldn't do it again on a more viable code, if necessary.


----------



## Scout

usafmedic45 said:


> I walked up on a scene of car accident with two Good Samaritans......





i hope you had a bit more tackt than that.


----------



## usafmedic45

I don't knock them for trying, although it was really misguided.  This case is the reason why I started discussing more in-depth with my CPR students when NOT to do CPR. By the way, one of them (the guy) later went through an EMT class and I was his preceptor.


----------



## usafmedic45

> i hope you had a bit more tackt than that.



Yes, I did try to exercise a little more tact.  But after twice saying "Please stop CPR. He's dead" and they failed to do so, being blunt was the only option left.


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## claytondirk

Please click one of the Quick Reply icons in the posts above to activate Quick Reply.


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## rescue99

Had an 88 year old woman call my partner as "a sp**m burper!"


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## GR1N53N

Wow...  that's impressive on so many levels.
1: sp*rm burper?  never heard that one before.  points for creativity
2. 88 y/o?  points for being a spunky old b*tch
3. ...
Well, I guess that's it.  And I'm assuming your partner is a nice, kind person... they always seem to pick on the friendly ones to abuse.


----------



## KB1MZR

Working an altered mental status call one day, status post fall with some LOC and a good old hematoma to go with it and the pt. kept saying that they were dreaming and that this was a TV show and they were in heaven and to quiet the pt. down the reply from the medic I was working with at the time was...

"Hang in there and quiet down, God isn't ready for you yet so give me a few minutes here."

---

Running a combative ETOH pt. one night who was restrained on the stretcher riding in with the clown car (a driver and 3 of us in the back) and the pt. was F*** this and F*** that roughly every 5-7 seconds.  Well, the calm collected EMT I'm riding with decides to tell the pt...

"Sir, you need to improve your adverb vocabulary beyond one word to swear in the back of my ambulance."

EMT Training - $600
Ambulance - $150K
Restraints - $100
Look on that patient's face that night - PRICELESS

...and the reaction from the pt. was also just wonderful, I've never heard such a broad "adverb vocabulary" after that. haha


----------



## Small_Town_EMT

Being a pretty new EMT I often have a difficult time coming up with my first words to my patient.  After responding to a truck accident, we get the patient into the back of the ambulance and I say "So, you had a truck accident eh?"  He looks at me and says "Yeah."

Needless to say, I was a bit embarrassed at stating the obvious:blush:


----------



## ericg533

A few days ago we had an 80 y/o w/ new onset back pain. Got her in the ambo, checked vitals, started a line, put her on a nasal cannula.

EMT-I said "is there anything else you guys want to do?"

At that moment, another EMT's phone began to ring, it was some kind of techno song.

Me: "dance"

We all danced. The patient laughed. Good stuff. I f'ing love this job.


----------



## Rob123

My partner was kneeling next to an elderly patient sitting on the floor.
His chief complaint was leg pain and could not get up.

Amongst the various questions I asked him to "describe the pain".
He said it feels like somebody is kneeling on his finger.

We all had a good laugh after we realized my partner was actually kneeling on his finger. 

(He had pants with sewn in knee pads.)


----------



## emtcboots

During one of my training rides, I was talking to a medic after a code. He told me this story, which is hilarious but horrible at the same time.

They were running a code and the family kept coming in the room asking if they needed anything. The crew started getting really tired of having to constantly answer questions at 0500 while running a code that wasn't going to end well. 
Finally, the lead medic had had enough:

Family - Is there anything we can do?
Medic - Pick him out a good suit.


----------



## tlkennedy5

real charming patient we had yesterday morning at 0230..

background: so we arrive on scene (fire based ems) and an engine was already on scene treating queen latifah for a self inflicted arm lac...she's arguing and cussing it out with her husband...doesn't want treatment etc.  

me stepping out of the ambulance with my bunkers on.

Me: "I'm such and such I'm an EMT with such and such fire and ems...I need you keep that arm elevated ok" (engine crew already has it wrapped etc)

Patient: "I don't needs no more firemans partner there ain't be no fires around here"

Medic Partner: "only from you sweetheart"


----------



## pljones

Got a call to assist an old man who had taken a bath and couldnt get out.  He couldnt get out because he had rotator cuff surgery and a knee replacement.  
Pt's wife: I keep telling him he wont be able to get himself out!
Pt: I just can't help it...i just love my baths!
Me (to myself, after i had gotten him out of the tub) Dude, couldnt you at least put on a pair of boxers before you talk to me?

2 years later, almost to the day, same call same issue same pt.  I go with my partner who happens to be older than I am...this info will be relevant soon....
as I'm getting the pt out, my partner is standing behind me (pt was kind enough to have boxers on this time)
Pt's wife:  looks at my partner, then when looking at me "are you his father?"
we both just started laughing...i'm 6'5", 280 with black hair...my partner was 6'1" about 190 and had blonde hair...we looked nothing alike.  Then when we were leaving, he tried to exit through the laundry room that led to...the washer/dryer.  All in all hilarious call


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## Sasha

> Dude, couldnt you at least put on a pair of boxers before you talk to me?



Oh get over it. It's part of the job.


----------



## mycrofft

*Disoriented senior at home...*

Paranoid hx and Alzheimer's (THERE's a combo), think's ambulance comany is a conspiracy to kidnap him.
I pull out my active duty USAF ID, coworker pulls out his pink military retirement ID, we hold them up. I say, "We''re from the government".

Pt reply: "Oh, thank God".


----------



## WuLabsWuTecH

mycrofft said:


> Paranoid hx and Alzheimer's (THERE's a combo), think's ambulance comany is a conspiracy to kidnap him.
> I pull out my active duty USAF ID, coworker pulls out his pink military retirement ID, we hold them up. I say, "We''re from the government".
> 
> Pt reply: "Oh, thank God".


I think that would scare me more thinking that the government has come to kidnap me!


----------



## usafmedic45

mycrofft said:


> Paranoid hx and Alzheimer's (THERE's a combo), think's ambulance comany is a conspiracy to kidnap him.
> I pull out my active duty USAF ID, coworker pulls out his pink military retirement ID, we hold them up. I say, "We''re from the government".
> 
> Pt reply: "Oh, thank God".


:lol:  Well done sir.


----------



## tlkennedy5

I think someone shared one similar to this earlier...never ceases to amaze me though..

in the back of the rig with my partner treating a patient who ran through a sliding glass door and is hysterical...arterial bleed, bones & tendons visible, all that jazz...en route to university trauma center...

Patient: "so did you guys go to class for this?"

Partner: "yup...we spent two years going through highly advanced medical training...that's why we're paramedics...we're practically field doctors"

Patient: "oh Jesus thank you so much, oh praise Jesus my savior" 

lol


----------



## Thindian

tlkennedy5 said:


> I think someone shared one similar to this earlier...never ceases to amaze me though..
> 
> in the back of the rig with my partner treating a patient who ran through a sliding glass door and is hysterical...arterial bleed, bones & tendons visible, all that jazz...en route to university trauma center...
> 
> Patient: "so did you guys go to class for this?"
> 
> Partner: "yup...we spent two years going through highly advanced medical training...that's why we're paramedics...we're practically field doctors"
> 
> Patient: "oh Jesus thank you so much, oh praise Jesus my savior"
> 
> lol


Your response should have been -
"No sir, we're from the internet."


----------



## MIkePrekopa

> I think someone shared one similar to this earlier...never ceases to amaze me though..
> 
> in the back of the rig with my partner treating a patient who ran through a sliding glass door and is hysterical...arterial bleed, bones & tendons visible, all that jazz...en route to university trauma center...
> 
> Patient: "so did you guys go to class for this?"
> 
> Partner: "yup...we spent two years going through highly advanced medical training...that's why we're paramedics...we're practically field doctors"
> 
> *Myself: well, he did. I stayed at a Holiday Inn last night.*
> 
> Patient: "oh Jesus thank you so much, oh praise Jesus my savior"
> 
> lol



Fixed it for you. ^_^

If it felt good to say; you most likely shouldn't have.


----------



## Diving Diva

My partner and I were doing a STAT ALS transfer into the city, and we were settling our patient on our stretcher when our patients husband asked us if we wanted some of the flowers from her room. My partner then says, "no thank you, everything around me dies." 

He quickly covered his tracks, but it was hilarious!


----------



## Second

It would have to be a good recovery after that one. But thats awesome!


----------



## ethorp

Diving Diva said:


> My partner and I were doing a STAT ALS transfer into the city, and we were settling our patient on our stretcher when our patients husband asked us if we wanted some of the flowers from her room. My partner then says, "no thank you, everything around me dies."
> 
> He quickly covered his tracks, but it was hilarious!



thats an o S*** situation


----------



## imurphy

While on a code in a nursing home....

Pt apnec, PEA with 1mg Epi given already. 3-5 minutes later

Doctor: Ok, push 1 mg Adenozine
Me: Erm, doc. Don't you mean Atropine. 
Doc: Oh that's right. I knew it began with an "A"


----------



## kittaypie

imurphy said:


> While on a code in a nursing home....
> 
> Pt apnec, PEA with 1mg Epi given already. 3-5 minutes later
> 
> Doctor: Ok, push 1 mg Adenozine
> Me: Erm, doc. Don't you mean Atropine.
> Doc: Oh that's right. I knew it began with an "A"



that's comforting!


----------



## Porky1

Transporting a dying patient to the ED from a nursing home. Patient chart has resuscitation orders on it. Ready for this? .....Cardiac drugs allowed, Intubation allowed. IV not allowed, artificial ventilation not allowed. Written by family physician and signed by same physician. Ah yes, life of a medic in EMS. Fun!!


----------



## kittaypie

Porky1 said:


> Transporting a dying patient to the ED from a nursing home. Patient chart has resuscitation orders on it. Ready for this? .....Cardiac drugs allowed, Intubation allowed. IV not allowed, artificial ventilation not allowed. Written by family physician and signed by same physician. Ah yes, life of a medic in EMS. Fun!!



just stick the tube in and hope he starts breathing again!


----------



## RescueYou

We had an arrest. I ended up surfing all the way to the hospital. The family followed us in their car. When I was walking out of the pt's room, the family asked me "Is he going to be okay?" I replied, "We're trying our best. He had no pulse when we got there." They said "What did you do?" I replied "I rode him all the way to the hospital and then my partner Sherri took over." 

Oh the hell his wife gave me....


----------



## nomofica

Not to a patient, but over the radio last night. I got a laugh... Maybe it was because I was overtired?

Dispatch:  "Unit 23 please divert to Belvedere"
Unit 23:  "But that's way on north side!"
Dispatch:  "Well, uh... unit 25 can take it if you want to stay downtown..."
Unit 25:   "don't worry, we'll take it"
Dispatch:   "there you go"
Unit 23:    "Good, we're having good luck over here!"
Dispatch:   "what do you mean?"
Unit 23:    "Yesterday my bunion hurt and I got a papercut... tonight we have real patients!"
Dispatch:    "*chuckles* Oh Lord..."


----------



## fiddlesticks

dont worry i got you to my 25o plus pound partner as we he fell down an icy hill with the bags. yep i went with him lol


----------



## flhtci01

Transporting 99 y/o to ER.  Pt "I hope they don't put me on the top floor, it's too close to heaven."  Partner "Beats the basement"


----------



## 62_derick

well this wasnt what anyone said to the pt. 
I was on a call during my precepting and got called out for a unknown problem. We pull up to this house man outside on the porch with a cop there the cop helps out said man and says he is drunk and wants to go to the hospital to get dried up. 

As the said man was coming down the steps and so was his pants and (mind you that he was not wearing any underware), my medic got a eye full of that and was not happy. 

So we loaded said man into ambulance he told us he was a recovering acholic and was on a drinking binze. Oh and this was at 12 pm and he stoped drinking at 10am which he drank 2 liters of vodka. 

As we get rolling to the hospital he is complaining of tightness in his chest. the medic starts an iv and we go to give him O2 on a NC and he freaks out saying he is colstrophobic and cant wear that. 

I just thought that was a funny call.


----------



## Seaglass

Responding to an MVA...
Drunk passenger: "Y'all are so nice to come out here and help me. Y'all don't have to do that!" 
Partner: "Yeah, we do. We're from the fire department, sir." 
Drunk: "Oh... that's why you're all dressed alike?" 

Responding to a fall... 
Another patient: "Am I going to die?" 
Another partner: "You don't get out of a broken hip that easily."


----------



## Medic One

Best thing that was said to me from a patients family was......


Asthma call..blah.. blah... blah... load pt neb treatment..tell girlfriend to get up front we will leave in a minute.

Close doors walk around to drivers seat to see the patients girlfriend EATING MY LUNCH!!!!!  ....I was like what the f are you doing....she said I was hungry and saw the cooler open so I took a sandwich...you have three

I went wild and she had the nerve to say "I pay taxes...your on my time so your lunch was paid by me"

My partner started to laugh at me but did help with payback...

She quickly found herself walking to the ER and her boyfriend had several IV attempts made on him...I will always remember my partner trying not to laugh and while saying "Oh sorry the roads are bad sir but I have to try again"


----------



## Scout

Medic One said:


> her boyfriend had several IV attempts made on him...



Sir you are an Ahole.


----------



## Medic One

Scout said:


> Sir you are an Ahole.



Hey...I didn't do the IV's I was driving watching the passenger/family member eat my lunch...I was on a 24 and she ate a sandwich of mine...

I don't condone my partners actions and maybe the roads were bad...I mean this was in the late 80's and we all know how hard the old Econoline350's drove


----------



## VFFforpeople

Ate your sandwhich huh? ETOH..or other 80s items used by the two? Like the muchies she was trying to get taken care of hahaha.


----------



## usafmedic45

> Another patient: "Am I going to die?"
> Another partner: "You don't get out of a broken hip that easily."



I've heard the exact same thing said by an orthopedic surgeon. :lol:


----------



## eman00

Transported a 80 something y/o female pt BLS from a conv. to the ER for abnormal labs. Pt. was usually on 3 LPM oxygen via cannula, and I switch her cannula tubing to our O2 tank and then asked my partner, 

"Where do we put it at?" (referring to the O2 tank, it wasn't secured on the gurney).
My partner's response: "Just put it in between her legs"

Luckily the pt didn't speak much English, so I don't think she understood what he said.


----------



## creative_soul

Thanks to everyone who shared, I got many good laughs from this thread. I just started basic school and have not gone on any runs yet. It is nice to see the lighter side of the job. Now I know how most of you stay (almost) sane!


----------



## cm4short

Just recently had a DFO drunk chick. We were transporting her in c-spine when she got all hysterical and started howling about how she was needle phobic and didn't want me to start an IV. I used my man voice and told her we can make this hurt a little, or a lot. She didn't even flinch as I dropped an 18 in her Left hand. 

So, I tell her "well, it looks like I cured you phobia" My preceptor liked that one.


----------



## Sapphyre

creative_soul said:


> Thanks to everyone who shared, I got many good laughs from this thread. I just started basic school and have not gone on any runs yet. It is nice to see the lighter side of the job. Now I know how most of you stay (almost) sane!



Almost sane?  You insult me, there's not a single sane bone in my body!


----------



## amberdt03

Sapphyre said:


> Almost sane?  You insult me, there's not a single sane bone in my body!



i agree, i don't know a sane person that works in this field....except maybe rookies.


----------



## Scout

Catch 22 anyone?


----------



## DGreno

I had a pt from a MVC. No injuries, just freaked out. He asked me why he felt so hot. I told him it was June in South Georgia, everyone is hot. He thought about it and agreed. Not the best one liner, but its all I got for now.


----------



## Thindian

We had a homeless patient who had claimed to have been raped by multiple people, as listed below -

Me: (palpating the abdomen) Tell me if it hurts okay?
Patient: OW!
Me: (palpating LLQ) Here?
Patient: That's where Obama raped me! 
Me: Obama?
Patient: George Bush!
Me: Bush?
Patient: And Tom Cruise!
Me: Uhhh
*Patient: And the EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF WILSHIRE BOULEVARD!
Partner: JESUS THE WHOLE STREET?*


----------



## Onceamedic

I personally get furious at punitive treatments, but this EMT is a funny dude.

This guy and his partner bring in a methed up, boozed up bozo, combative and having lost his fight(s) - BTW - we had 3 rigs dispatched to this same address..  they all looked about the same.

Newbie ED Nurse in disbelieve: "Is that a 14 gauge in his arm?
EMT: "yep - it's therapeutic"
Newbie Nurse: "why on earth would you use a 14 in this patient?"
EMT: "cause we didn't have a 10 or a 12"


Same guy - picked up a 22 year old with pseudo seizures. Kid's rhythm strip shows a huge BBB, thus the standard chest pain question.  Patient is in no signs of distress. It's 3 am

Me: "are you having any pain in your chest?"
Patient: (takes a pause from gum chewing and texting) "oh yeah"
Me: "if 0 is no pain at all and 10 is the worst pain you can imagine, what is a number for you pain now?"
Patient: oh its a 10
EMT: (breaks in) Really?  a 10 out of 10?  
Patient: "yep"
EMT: "look - a kick in the nuts is a 10/10.  Is this like a kick in the nuts"
Patient: "yep - its like a kick in the nuts"
EMT: (throws up hands) "well, I guess its a 10"

Later at the station, I gave him a doctored copy of the assessment algorithm with "how does it compare to a kick in the nuts" in the pain section


----------



## Trauma's Mistress

These have to be the  funniest things I have heard!  Some of them  , I almost fell out of my chair !  Too funny ! Thanks so much for those who posted


----------



## ZVNEMT

one of our crews had a Hosp to ECF transport with an older woman. The EMT that went to check out the Pt is a chubby 20 y/o, real quite, soft spoken, and generally nice guy. He goes in: (not sure what exactly was said, so i'll just put when i know was said)

PT: what do you want fatty?

PT: HELP! I'M BEING INVADED BY FAT A**ES!

EMT(Getting LOC): Ma'am, can you tell me what the year is?
PT: It's the year of you're a fat jerk!
EMT: why are you so mean to me?

the same guy had another Pt threaten him with "I'm gonna pee on you! I'm Gonna pee on you!!" i thought it was funny, i wish i worked with him so i had my own stories about him...


----------



## guardian528

"are you sure this isn't just your period?"


----------



## Trauma's Mistress

guardian528 said:


> "are you sure this isn't just your period?"



lmao !!!!  Love it  haha


----------



## CAOX3

I am the king of putting my foot in my mouth especially when I am over tired.  I come out with some zingers.


----------



## Seaglass

I once had a male newbie make the same "Are you sure this isn't your normal period?" comment on the OMG-blood-everywhere type of vaginal hemorrhage call. My other partner replied with "Ya know, we survive our periods..." 

A particularly satisfying moment from the other night: 
Abusive boyfriend: "But officer, I was scared she might fall on the ice if I let her leave." 
Cop: "If you don't shut up and get your hands up right now, you're gonna be the one falling on the ice."


----------



## emt_angel25

not really quite sure where to put this one.....heard it on the radio yesterday.

EMS was responding to an allergic reaction of a girl who was stung in the neck twice by wasps. (its the middle of winter well it feels like it at least where the wasps are coming from who knows) anyway, EMS asked fire personnel on scene how the pt was doing. to which they say "pt is CA&O. gave herself an epi pen to the finger" 
EMS: "hows her breathing?" 
Fire: "just fine shes talkin on the phone with her boyfriend and smoking a cigarette."


LMAO i just love it


----------



## EMSLaw

She put the Epi-pen /where/?   In her finger?  That'd hit bone, I think.


----------



## emt_angel25

ha ha ha thats what they said.....but i must admit where this call happened was in hoosier-ville missouri. so an epi pen to the finger really wouldnt surprise me.


----------



## Trauma's Mistress

Seaglass said:


> I once had a male newbie make the same "Are you sure this isn't your normal period?" comment on the OMG-blood-everywhere type of vaginal hemorrhage call. My other partner replied with "Ya know, we survive our periods..."
> 
> A particularly satisfying moment from the other night:
> Abusive boyfriend: "But officer, I was scared she might fall on the ice if I let her leave."
> Cop: "If you don't shut up and get your hands up right now, you're gonna be the one falling on the ice."




  LOL  its  true... we  do survive them.  How?  sometimes I dont know !


----------



## FLEMTP

Rob123 said:


> (He had pants with sewn in knee pads.)



must be a member of the management team !


----------



## FLEMTP

Ive got a couple.. im sure if i thought about it long enough i could think of some more.

Usually when i bring people out of the ambulance.. i tell people.. "dont worry, I wont drop you... i promised the boss i wouldnt anymore"

I was on a call recently where an overprotective mother called 911 insisting her adult (20something) son had some vague disease. She kept droning on using various medical terms... so i stopped and asked her.. "ma'am are you an RN or a doctor?"

To which her son replies.. "yeah.. from the google school of medicine"


One of my favorites... a guy in his late 20's tells me he is scared of needles... so i ask him.. well do you have any tattoos... 

He lifts up his shirt.. and is literally COVERED in them... 



After a very long day and night of running 911 calls... we get a call for a patient who has "trouble breathing" ... this is a patient who is well known to EMS as a frequent flyer... and usually turns out to be a lot of bull:censored::censored::censored::censored:.

Well.. we unhooked his oxygen and he didnt notice for several minutes... when he finally noticed he started freaking out.. screaming "im not getting any oxygen"... so i hooked him back up to the oxygen tank but didnt turn it on.. he asks me in a panic... "am i getting oxygen now??"  
"yup" i replied.. "21%"
He didnt get it.. but the ER doc was rolling on the floor...


if i come up with any others.. i'll chime back in ;-)


----------



## Sasha

> Usually when i bring people out of the ambulance.. i tell people.. "dont worry, I wont drop you... i promised the boss i wouldnt anymore"



If I'm in a good mood I get the patient to sign by telling them "Can I get you to sign here? This is our permission to transport and bill your insurance, it's basically saying we're not kidnapping you. They frown on that."

The release of liability for a passenger "This basically says you wont sue if we crash, but don't worry, they told us if we wreck another ambulance we're fired so we'll be extra careful!"

and the nurse to sign off that she recieved paperwork/patient "Can you sign here? This says you recieved the paperwork and we didn't drop the patient off the corner."


----------



## jenny911

These weren't said to a patient but are still hilarious...

At my company we have to arrive 30 min prior to start of shift to prep our trucks and are expected be available for a call precisely at our start of shift time. If we voice over available status after our SOS time we have to give a late code. One of our primaries voiced over available status one morning about 5 minutes late. Dispatch promptly asked for his late code to which he replied, "pure lack of motivation." Dispatch keyed up to acknowledge but was laughing so hard they couldn't.

I got dispatched to a Pr 2 sick person around 0200 one shift. There was a trainee in dispatch and she advised us that the pt was a 70 yo f with violent coughing and that we needed to use resp precautions. My partner loves to tease new guys and responded, "Received. Do we need to stage??" Dispatch keyed up and fumbled around for a minute before finally responding between exasperated breaths, "uh,....no." We laughed for hours.


----------



## spinnakr

Arrived onscene for a 20 / F complaining of an allergic reaction to peanuts.  She was waiting for us in a lounge area _with her boyfrien_d.  I'm going through the usual questions (most serious reaction was some hives), making sure there isn't a reason to worry about airway compromise.

Me:  How long ago did you eat the peanuts?
Pt:  _I_ didn't.

I stopped myself just short of asking her when her last oral intake was.


----------



## Seaglass

spinnakr said:


> Arrived onscene for a 20 / F complaining of an allergic reaction to peanuts.  She was waiting for us in a lounge area _with her boyfrien_d.  I'm going through the usual questions (most serious reaction was some hives), making sure there isn't a reason to worry about airway compromise.
> 
> Me:  How long ago did you eat the peanuts?
> Pt:  _I_ didn't.
> 
> I stopped myself just short of asking her when her last oral intake was.



That's actually not all that uncommon. Plenty of people can have reactions to rather small amounts. There was some story all over the news about a girl who died of this a year or two ago, if I remember right.


----------



## spinnakr

Seaglass said:


> That's actually not all that uncommon. Plenty of people can have reactions to rather small amounts. There was some story all over the news about a girl who died of this a year or two ago, if I remember right.


Doesn't surprise me at all - but it was more of a "have to be there" type thing I suppose.  At any rate, I had to stop mid-sentence with the oral intake question...


----------



## Seaglass

spinnakr said:


> Doesn't surprise me at all - but it was more of a "have to be there" type thing I suppose.  At any rate, I had to stop mid-sentence with the oral intake question...



Yeah, it would make for a very awkward scene. But why'd you stop the question? She could've had something since, I imagine, unless it was a really quick reaction and you have really short response times...


----------



## spinnakr

Seaglass said:


> Yeah, it would make for a very awkward scene. But why'd you stop the question? She could've had something since, I imagine, unless it was a really quick reaction and you have really short response times...



I stopped because I had to rephrase


----------



## Seaglass

spinnakr said:


> I stopped because I had to rephrase



Ah, my misunderstanding.


----------



## thejollyrogger

This may be a stupid question, but do patients ever get pissed off or upset and sue or anything at some of these one liners?

Or do they find it humerous? I don't want to try to joke with them then get fired which is why I'm asking


----------



## spinnakr

I think the key is to use discretion.  Some people would certainly get pissed.  Others would be amused.  It depends on the patient.


----------



## johnrsemt

Had a dispatcher send me to post on the north side of Indy;  about 12 miles from our station.
   Approx 2 min later they dispatched us emergent to the hand hospital there.  I marked clear and enroute from 3 blocks north of our station. 
    The dispatcher got on the radio upset at us, because we were posted in that area, and we should have been there.          I told her that we had only been posted there 2 min earlier, and it took us awhile to get there.
    She got upset again:  so I finally told her that "my transported is broken today, and we actually have to DRIVE there"      got in trouble for that one,  but supervisor couldn't keep a straight face while he was talking to me, so I wasn't worried about it too much.


----------



## doctorfodder

My favorite question to ask...

You put what, WHERE?!


----------



## fire_911medic

*.*

Was dispatched out to an elderly man with a laceration of his male member.  Got there to find him "involved" with a vacuum cleaner.  Trying to be polite and not embarass the gentlemen I asked, "what's the problem here?"  The gentlemen looking at me totally straight faced answered, "This thing sucked"...Yeah - my response :blush:


----------



## fire_911medic

*Fire days*

Had a lady who continuously kept calling us regarding her cat that climbed a tree and refused to come down for days.  She called out station multiple times one day (after day 3 of it being up there) begging our chief to dispatch a truck out to get it.  We were extremely busy that day with fire being used to provide first response for EMS runs until the ambulances could show up to transport.  Finally we all got back in and the chief highly amused by her continuous calls put her on speaker phone in the day room this was the discussion :

*Lady*   My cat is still stuck up in the tree can you please come get it down?

*Chief*   No ma'am.  We are extremely busy today and our resources are not available.  You may want to try animal control.

*Lady*    You told me that last time, and they said to call you.  They won't come get it.

*Chief*    I'm truly sorry, but we can't come get it down.

*Lady*     But it's been up there three days !  It might starve to death !

*Chief*     Lady - have you ever seen a cat skeleton up in a tree?

*Lady*     Well, um no, but what if he dies?

*Chief*     Then we'll call the coroner and send it to the funeral home of your choice

Lady hung up and never called our station again.  Our chief got kudos for that conversation from us !


----------



## fire_911medic

*Racetrack fun*

Made a run several years ago on a gentleman that coded while at the racetrack.  When we showed up his friend informed us that he'd won several small amounts that day and thought he'd make a bigger win.

*Friend*  We came today because he said it was his lucky day - he's been saying that all day

*Me*  Well, I don't think he'll be saying that anymore - I think his luck just ran out.:unsure:


----------



## SammyGirlMedic

I have been to the same house 3 times now for a 60-something male choking. All 3 times, we arrived within 5 minutes, but the son performed the Heimlich and the pt. was ok. The first time we transported him after he choked on steak and they actually did a bronchoscopy and some other things. The second time he choked on chicken stir fry and he was ok and didn't want to go to the hospital and signed a refusal. The third time... coincidently it was on my shift AGAIN.. I knew him by name now.

I walked in and said, "Mr. Smith, were you choking again?"

"Yes," he replied, "My son got it up again. I feel ok... I don't want to go in. I promise I'll call my doctor about it."

"Ok..what did you choke on this time?"

"Pork Roast."

I replied, "Jim, I think you need to become a vegetarian."

(His son and wife bursted out laughing, as did Jim. Poor guy always chokin on his food!)


----------



## TransportJockey

SammyGirlMedic said:


> I have been to the same house 3 times now for a 60-something male choking. All 3 times, we arrived within 5 minutes, but the son performed the Heimlich and the pt. was ok. The first time we transported him after he choked on steak and they actually did a bronchoscopy and some other things. The second time he choked on chicken stir fry and he was ok and didn't want to go to the hospital and signed a refusal. The third time... coincidently it was on my shift AGAIN.. I knew him by name now.
> 
> I walked in and said, "Mr. Smith, were you choking again?"
> 
> "Yes," he replied, "My son got it up again. I feel ok... I don't want to go in. I promise I'll call my doctor about it."
> 
> "Ok..what did you choke on this time?"
> 
> "Pork Roast."
> 
> I replied, "Jim, I think you need to become a vegetarian."
> 
> (His son and wife bursted out laughing, as did Jim. Poor guy always chokin on his food!)



That's awesome! I think I would have said that too


----------



## YYCmedic

Said by my boarded intoxicated driver pt: "Of course I was wearing my seatbelt. What do you think, I'm an idiot?"

Me: "No, I dont think you're an idiot. I mean, you want to be as safe as possible while driving drunk!"


----------



## EMSBLONDIE24

While cutting off a young male's jeans and boxers due to possible pelvis fracture-
"Do you have to cut off my jeans?"
"I'm sorry sir, I really am, but I have to be able to examine your pelvis."
"But do you reallllllllly have to? Can't I just take them off?" (This is said between howls of pain at the slightest palpation)
My partner jumps in, "Don't worry, she's seen more than a prostitute." 
Patient: " .... :-O "
15 minutes later a very red male in his 20s arrived in the ER with a large blanket covering him.


----------



## Martyn

Kaisu said:


> Doctor to elderly female as he attempts to listen to lungs - "Big breaths"
> Patient :  they used to be...



Or...
(to a sweet 16 yr old with a lisp)
'Big breaths'
'Yeth and I'm only thixteen'


----------



## njff/emt

Emergency Pt: Just kill me and get it over with.
Me: Sir if I was trying to kill you I wouldn't be giving you oxygen.


----------



## nomofica

Martyn said:


> Or...
> (to a sweet 16 yr old with a lisp)
> 'Big breaths'
> 'Yeth and I'm only thixteen'



Or...

Attempting to say "big breaths" to a very attractive woman with sizable breasts who flirted with you and got you flustered... "big breasts". Cue blushing.


----------



## MS Medic

I worked in a county that had a federal prision at one point. One night my partner and I get called out to an OD for a guy that had taken a bunch of otc meds. After the guards shackle the guy and we get him to the truck, I get the charcoal to give the pt. He starts being a jackass and refuses to take it. My partner looks at the guy and says "You see that cone shaped tip on the bottle? Thats so we can give it to you up  the butt if you don't drink it." The pt starts laughing and looks at me. I said "He's not joking, I have K-Y right here" and produced a packet. Needles to say, he drank that charcoal like a champ.


----------



## hreeves877

From a cop writing a ticket for driving with a suspended license.  

Pt:  That can't be correct

Cop: Well sure it is, I just wrote it myself 2 minutes ago....


----------



## Rob123

I was off-duty and out of area at the scene of an injured family relative.

Patient: Could I ask for a big favor?
EMT: You could ask... but we're still going to XYZ Hospital.

I thought it was a cute way to say no... my relative did not.


----------



## Mooky472

*unintentionally*

I used to work for a transport agency  where we had to write down why the patient was being taken to where ever they were going on the pcr.  one patient we were taking to a nursing home that was known for having people die  and on the paper work I put "transfered to XYZ nursing home for end of life car."   my supervisor couldent stop laughing for awhile after he read that


----------



## Radioactive

I'm still just an EMT student, but I have a good one from back when I was an X-Ray tech at a level 1 trauma center.

We get a page for an incoming trauma patient.  He had been in a motorcycle accident and had been de-gloved, _left arm completley torn off at the shoulder_.  My shift lead, myself and a student get called in to take a chest x-ray of him.  Well, in order to place the film behind him we (obviously) need to lift him up, and a patient missing his shoulder presents an interesting challenge.

*Shift lead*:  I'm gonna need some help lifting him.
*Student*: [_Gives me a look that says 'I really don't want to do that.'_]
*Me*: [_not thinking_] Go on, give the man a hand!

The shift lead bursts out laughing.  Thank goodness the patient was unconcious.  I felt stupid for weeks.


----------



## Buzz

For all of you David Caruso fans:

We got called to a nursing home last night for a patient that had a syncopal episode while she was sitting on the toilet having a bowel movement. After we got report, my partner got this intense look on his face and said "Well, I guess that's one way *put on his glasses* to get off pot" before promptly walking away toward the patient's room.


----------



## TransportJockey

Buzz said:


> For all of you David Caruso fans:
> 
> We got called to a nursing home last night for a patient that had a syncopal episode while she was sitting on the toilet having a bowel movement. After we got report, my partner got this intense look on his face and said "Well, I guess that's one way *put on his glasses* to get off pot" before promptly walking away toward the patient's room.



Did someone go
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" right after that?


----------



## nomofica

Hahahahahahaha!

I'm gonna be modest and say I woke up only 2 people laughing at that just now.


----------



## MrBrown

Best one I ever heard was to an elderly female pt "oh love we're helpng you .... honest!"


----------



## Coptrainer

While doing my clinicals in the ER, I was asked to get a temp on a patient.  I grabbed a thermometer off the wall and entered the patient's room where an RN was attending to the patient.  As I started toward the patient with the thermometer the RN told me I didn't want to use that thermometer, it's a rectal thermometer.  As I turned to walk out of the room, I responded, within earshot of the patient and a family member, "it doesn't matter, it just tastes different."


----------



## usafmedic45

*Quote of the day*:  "You know the only reason I don't put your son's testicles in a jar and give them to his wife as a Christmas present is because he seems like the kind to whine to the cops about it, right?"


----------



## usafmedic45

Tonight in the ER:  "That woman is nothing but a life support and transportation system for a crack addiction."


----------



## mcdonl

While waiting for the medic to finish drug box swap at ER I heard another crew who brought an old man in who was "freaking out" because he thought the head and torso of his dead father was in his bead....

Medic 1 turned to Medic 2 and asked "Is this one patient or two....?"


----------



## emdub

Arrived on scene to find a young guy tripping on acid, or as my partner so ironically called it, "tripping balls". He was convinced that there were animals inside his testicles.  After showing us that he had actually cut them out of his body, I muttered to myself "this is completely nuts".  Both my partner and I realized later that our comments had been completely inappropriate. Oops.


----------



## medic417

EMT to patient I'm here to save you.


----------



## nomofica

Said this to an ambulatory patient at an MVC where fuel had been leaking and gone unnoticed, in an Arnold Schwarznegger impersonation: "come with me if you want to live"


at another MVC requiring air ambulance, in another Schwarznegger impersonation: "get to the choppa!"


----------



## firetender

emdub said:


> After showing us that he had actually cut them out of his body, I muttered to myself "this is completely nuts".  Both my partner and I realized later that our comments had been completely inappropriate. Oops.



I don't see how that could be anything but appropriate! The truth is NEVER inappropriate. Had you said, "Now, we shall sing Soprano together!" THAT would have been inappropriate.


----------



## robbaN28

Me to dispatch at hospital:

"We have a woman who recently came in for a _Dialation_ with two Fistulas."
As an EMT Student, I never stop getting crap at that hospital.


----------



## sickofit

medic417 said:


> EMT to patient I'm here to save you.




I've read these boards for many years, just lurking, never posting.

I've had a bit of a nasty day, so I've decided to finally come out of hiding.  I am _sick_ of the constant negative attitude toward EMT-B's from medics.  There is a standard assumption that by not going to paramedic school, EMT's are inferior not just in medical knowledge, but also apparently in motivation and intelligence.

I have not gone to Paramedic school--not because I don't have the mental capacity, but because between my 5 years of military service, bachelors degree in engineering, masters degree in engineering, and extensive self-study of anatomy, physiology, and histology, I haven't had the time to swing through an associates-level course in _para_medicine.

So many of you proclaim the necessity of education, yet are stuck at an education level comparable to the 19 year olds I teach every single day.  I am proud of what I do as a volunteer EMT when I can escape from the military for a few hours, and I am continuously awed by the competency and compassion of the volunteers I work with--Emergency Medical *Technicians* whose competency stems not from time spent with a half-informed book on paramedicine, but from time running shift after thankless shift.

I care little what your responses will be. I only wish to say, once-and-for-all, that the elitist, hifalutin attitudes by (some, not all) paramedics on this board are destructive, uncalled for, and laughable.


-Sickofit.


----------



## mcdonl

sickofit said:


> There is a standard assumption that by not going to paramedic school, EMT's are inferior not just in medical knowledge, but also apparently in motivation and intelligence.
> -Sickofit.



This is a strange field. I have never been involved with an industry before that has a paid sector, and a volunteer sector. Where I live (Southern Maine) there seems to be a good melding of both sectors. Most medic's work full time for one of the nearby cities (Portland, South Portland, Westbrook, Scarborough, etc....) but also serve in a volunteer/perdiem role in the smaller communities where they live to round out their income.

Sickofit, you also need to remember that people will be strong willed, and arrogent online but you may never experience that in real life. Around here, an A-Hole is an A-hole... doesnt matter if your an Rn, EMT-B, EMT-I or EMT-P. It is only in the on-line world where people seem to think they are better then others. I admire and learn from our medic's every day and aspire to be one too... as a volly of course


----------



## MRE

sickofit said:


> I've read these boards for many years, just lurking, never posting.
> 
> I've had a bit of a nasty day, so I've decided to finally come out of hiding.  I am _sick_ of the constant negative attitude toward EMT-B's from medics.  There is a standard assumption that by not going to paramedic school, EMT's are inferior not just in medical knowledge, but also apparently in motivation and intelligence.
> 
> I have not gone to Paramedic school--not because I don't have the mental capacity, but because between my 5 years of military service, bachelors degree in engineering, masters degree in engineering, and extensive self-study of anatomy, physiology, and histology, I haven't had the time to swing through an associates-level course in _para_medicine.
> 
> So many of you proclaim the necessity of education, yet are stuck at an education level comparable to the 19 year olds I teach every single day.  I am proud of what I do as a volunteer EMT when I can escape from the military for a few hours, and I am continuously awed by the competency and compassion of the volunteers I work with--Emergency Medical *Technicians* whose competency stems not from time spent with a half-informed book on paramedicine, but from time running shift after thankless shift.
> 
> I care little what your responses will be. I only wish to say, once-and-for-all, that the elitist, hifalutin attitudes by (some, not all) paramedics on this board are destructive, uncalled for, and laughable.
> 
> 
> -Sickofit.



I think you read into the post that you quoted completely wrong.

By your response I have to assume that you believe that medic417 was implying that EMTs can't save people and only paramedics can.  

I think most people would agree with me that medic417's jest was that a health care provider had told a patient "I am here to save you" instead of the more typical "how are you feeling today", "I'm here to help", "where does it hurt" or the classic "Yes we can bring you to the hospital for your paper cut if you really think you need an ambulance"

I understand you have had a bad day, but lashing out over something like this isn't going to help you with your anger issues.


----------



## spike91

I'm sure you guys all remember the SAMPLE acronym.

Well earlier this week one of the guys I was riding with was a little stressed on the call, and while he was talking to the patient he actually asked "When was your last oral intake?"

You guys should've seen the look on this girl's face...oh man.


----------



## usafmedic45

spike91 said:


> I'm sure you guys all remember the SAMPLE acronym.
> 
> Well earlier this week one of the guys I was riding with was a little stressed on the call, and while he was talking to the patient he actually asked "When was your last oral intake?"
> 
> You guys should've seen the look on this girl's face...oh man.


LOL That's awesome.  Back when I used to date a coworker of mine, jokes of that sort were all too frequent.


----------



## spike91

Favorite one to date, I was riding with my Captain, he's a very squirrely and friendly guy, always ends up as the butt of some joke.

Just our luck, we get two testicular pain calls in the span of 2 hours. First one we get, I let him take over the patient assessment. It came in from campus health services, and they have a bad rep for being generally stupid. So he chose to do his own assessment.

Kid pulls down his pants, gets checked out. My Captain asks, "So, 1 to 10..." and the kid cuts him off and says "normally about 6 and a half, but what does that have to do with it?"

I've never seen someone so red before in my life. Kid finally got it after I had to sit down from laughing so hard.


----------



## medic417

sickofit said:


> I've read these boards for many years, just lurking, never posting.
> 
> I've had a bit of a nasty day, so I've decided to finally come out of hiding.  I am _sick_ of the constant negative attitude toward EMT-B's from medics.  There is a standard assumption that by not going to paramedic school, EMT's are inferior not just in medical knowledge, but also apparently in motivation and intelligence.
> 
> I have not gone to Paramedic school--not because I don't have the mental capacity, but because between my 5 years of military service, bachelors degree in engineering, masters degree in engineering, and extensive self-study of anatomy, physiology, and histology, I haven't had the time to swing through an associates-level course in _para_medicine.
> 
> So many of you proclaim the necessity of education, yet are stuck at an education level comparable to the 19 year olds I teach every single day.  I am proud of what I do as a volunteer EMT when I can escape from the military for a few hours, and I am continuously awed by the competency and compassion of the volunteers I work with--Emergency Medical *Technicians* whose competency stems not from time spent with a half-informed book on paramedicine, but from time running shift after thankless shift.
> 
> I care little what your responses will be. I only wish to say, once-and-for-all, that the elitist, hifalutin attitudes by (some, not all) paramedics on this board are destructive, uncalled for, and laughable.
> 
> 
> -Sickofit.



Well that is a waste of a first post.  Did I say anything negative this time?  No I did not.  

As you are not educated in medicine based on your own resume you listed you do not know what you do not know so you have no educated basis to stake your observations on.  

Glad you are able to get a good laugh.


----------



## emdub

Hahaha, this was a situation where I had to keep turning my head to keep from laughing every time I let a ball joke slip.  It was the first call where my partner and senior medic got on the radio and had absolutely nothing to say; just handed it to me.  How do you explain that to MD?  It came out something like "You're just going to have to see it..."

My partner turned to me and said "girl, I've been here for twelve years and I keep telling myself I've seen everything, but this s*** is nuts." (slammed head against gourney). There must have been 5 or 6 balls or nuts jokes en route to the hospital--needless to say after we dropped him off we still felt like a bite to eat; best post-call milkshake and conversation of my career.


----------



## emdub

This is in response to Spike91 I just screwed up the reply and don't know how to delete my post and try again....but Spike----

Hahahaa that's a good one. Freaking kids. Reminds me of when I was in training and we were talking about burn victims...one of the cockier students asked what percentage the male genetalia was when it came to the rule of 9s if "it was like, really really big".  My instructor, who was a young and funny medic, laughed and said "dude, I don't care if you've got a third leg down there, it's still gonna be 1%".  I can't imagine his disappointment...ha.

Hilarious posts, guys are so obsessed with their junk.


----------



## EMS11

Ok, this one was on my brother (also an EMT-B, but this was b4 he joined)

We were in a HUGE MVC, the state trooper gets on scene, and in the course of evaluating us, asks my brother, "Who's in the White House right now?" 
My Brother (DEADPAN): "An ***hole."
the poor statie, NEVER reached for his radio so fast


----------



## EMS11

One more just came to mind... I was on my way back from a show in PA when i came across a Fatal MVC with a motorcycle into a tree... When the troopers arrived they asked why i wasn't doing cpr.

"Well... I did a pulse check and realized that this is a crime scene, and did not want to contaminate it."

Cop: "How do you know he was DoA?" (with a real smug attitude)

Me: "Well 'DOC'... His helmet is across 4 lanes of traffic with a good amount of brain matter in it, that *points up 30ft to a high tree branch* That look like his ID. Oh and his head, is 180degrees from where it should be. Not to mention he smurf'd already. Also, half his bike is on fire on the median. Any more evidence needed Sherlock, or can ya solve this one?"

Cop: *to his radio* "Slow everything down, confirmed signal 5 (fatal)."

his HQ: "How do you know that?"

Cop: "I'll let the EMT on scene tell you......"

(worst part for the crotchrocket rider was all i had in the car to cover his body, was my friend's daughter's pink tinkerbell blanket....)


----------



## trackcheetah

aussieemt1980 said:


> funny lot we are, with the gallows humour
> 
> I had a gentleman come past my house the other day while I was washing my car. The usual joke passed - 'you can do mine when you are done' and in the spirit of the joke came my reply 'sure, it will cost you an arm and a leg'.
> 
> The gentleman got very angry and sped off on his scooter.
> 
> I saw him 2 days later, on the side that was facing away from me. He was an amputee from the knee down. I felt horrible.




hahahahaha awesome


----------



## Nickb

Alexakat said:


> I like when new EMTs are getting a blood sugar & they say "You're gonna feel a little pr!ck"
> LOL!


I did something simlar I still news to this .  I was holding a 14g over this guys vien amd said that


----------



## Miss EMT

I was on this call for a pt having a severe allergic reaction to a bee sting. Arrive on scene pt is sitting in a chair pointing to were the bee stung them. 

pt: look I have hives (mind you its just a little red from where the bee stung them.)
medic: are you having any trouble breathing?
pt: no
medic: how long ago did this happen?
pt: about 20 mins. ago.
pt: oh by the way im allergic to that stuff they give for allergic reactions.
medic: do you mean epinephrine?
pt: ya that stuff. im allergic to it.
medic: (speachless)

we arrive at the hospital and the nurse is taking information from us. our medic speaks up and says "oh by the way she is allergic to epi." the nurse looks around all confused and says epi?? our medic replies yep she's allergic to epi. I had to walk out of the room.


----------



## abuan

worked up a lady who was altered in HHNK, for whatever reason she started coming out of it and became combative as we got closer to the hospital. 

every couple seconds i heard my partner saying "just relax...lay back...almost at the hospital...just lay back...relax...."

after a couple of minutes he goes "you know, you were much nicer when you were unresponsive."


----------



## Stew

Miss EMT said:


> we arrive at the hospital and the nurse is taking information from us. our medic speaks up and says "oh by the way she is allergic to epi." the nurse looks around all confused and says epi?? our medic replies yep she's allergic to epi. I had to walk out of the room.


I had a real pita patient who was giving me hell tell me he was allergic to general anesthetics. Apparently they put him to sleep..
He was transported by the boys in blue.


----------



## usafmedic45

> we arrive at the hospital and the nurse is taking information from us. our medic speaks up and says "oh by the way she is allergic to epi." the nurse looks around all confused and says epi?? our medic replies yep she's allergic to epi. I had to walk out of the room.



Actually most likely they are allergic to the preservative in most epi. It is like a significant number of person who have allergic reactions to the "-caine" anesthetics are actually allergic to a preservative frequently used in them.  I don't recall the name of it, but was told this by a toxicologist/pharmacologist friend.


----------



## Seaglass

usafmedic45 said:


> Actually most likely they are allergic to the preservative in most epi. It is like a significant number of person who have allergic reactions to the "-caine" anesthetics are actually allergic to a preservative frequently used in them.  I don't recall the name of it, but was told this by a toxicologist/pharmacologist friend.



+1. A lot of allergies that seem pretty wild are actually allergies to a preservative or inactive ingredient in a drug.


----------



## adamjh3

Not to a patient, but myself and a couple buddies were running through a child birth scenario. 

When the time comes my buddy states, "I'm now going to place the first clamp on the cord 6 inches away from the baby" and clamps about two inches away. 

Without missing a beat I shoot back, "Oh, is that what you tell the ladies?"


----------



## DillR

*Not really EMS related but,*

I was sitting in the squad room of the PD (my dad is a cop) when they dragged 3 or 4 mexicans in. When they started questioning them for booking they all responded "no habla ingles" shrugging their shoulders. When my dads buddy walked up and said "see the one with the brown shoes?" (they all look down) "those are the ones who speak english.
LOL


----------



## Lt.Col.Warren

To an elderly dirver involed in a hit and run accident.

Medic: You have a large bump on you head, we should take you to the
          hospital.
Pt.: No, I think I will be fine.
Police Officer: You have a large hematoma on your head, it be wise to let 
       these guys take you.
Pt.: No trust me I'll be fine, I don't need no hospital.
Police Officer: In that case I have to take you to jail for leaving the secen of
       an accident.
Pt.: I think I might need to go to the hospital.


----------



## EMTRabbit

Not something said to a patient but i think it's pretty good. its about cpr and transport

"Do it early, do it right, do it fast, then hold on for the ride."


----------



## Polemic

Am I the only one who gets called out on the carpet for admitting funny stuff?  But only by other EMS personnel, not the civilian population??


----------



## 1badassEMT-I

EMTDON970 said:


> Giving a reprt to a doctor on a fall patient...
> 
> "..Pt was walking down the street and "DFO'd".........
> 
> DFO-Done Fell out-   Doctor understood me too!!!!! lol



Now thats FUNNY I DONT CARE WHO YOU ARE!


----------



## 1badassEMT-I

sickofit said:


> I've read these boards for many years, just lurking, never posting.
> 
> I've had a bit of a nasty day, so I've decided to finally come out of hiding.  I am _sick_ of the constant negative attitude toward EMT-B's from medics.  There is a standard assumption that by not going to paramedic school, EMT's are inferior not just in medical knowledge, but also apparently in motivation and intelligence.
> 
> I have not gone to Paramedic school--not because I don't have the mental capacity, but because between my 5 years of military service, bachelors degree in engineering, masters degree in engineering, and extensive self-study of anatomy, physiology, and histology, I haven't had the time to swing through an associates-level course in _para_medicine.
> 
> So many of you proclaim the necessity of education, yet are stuck at an education level comparable to the 19 year olds I teach every single day.  I am proud of what I do as a volunteer EMT when I can escape from the military for a few hours, and I am continuously awed by the competency and compassion of the volunteers I work with--Emergency Medical *Technicians* whose competency stems not from time spent with a half-informed book on paramedicine, but from time running shift after thankless shift.
> 
> I care little what your responses will be. I only wish to say, once-and-for-all, that the elitist, hifalutin attitudes by (some, not all) paramedics on this board are destructive, uncalled for, and laughable.
> 
> 
> -Sickofit.



I call BS.......get over yourself! Relax SOLDIER!!!!


----------



## MrBrown

Stew said:


> I had a real pita patient who was giving me hell tell me he was allergic to general anesthetics. Apparently they put him to sleep..
> He was transported by the boys in blue.



That's more teal than blue isin't it?


----------



## 1badassEMT-I

MrBrown said:


> That's more teal than blue isin't it?



Is that you Brown!


----------



## Stew

That's one of our medics (Queensland, Australia).

Brown, our guy got taken by the boys in REAL blue


----------



## MrBrown

Stew said:


> That's one of our medics (Queensland, Australia).
> 
> Brown, our guy got taken by the boys in REAL blue



That's why I posted it duh, I was taking the piss


----------



## MrBrown

1badassEMT-I said:


> Is that you Brown!



Nah, I dno about a teal jumpsuit ... land based ICPs who do HEMS duty have green ones (the rapid response ICPs can also wear them) however normal road staff wear black cargo pants and a white shirt.

Regular HEMS Paramedics have red jumpsuits.


----------



## Sasha

Tuesday we went to pick up a patient to take her to the ER for abnormal labs.

"Hi, my name is Sasha and we're going to take you to the hospital. Can I ask you a couple silly questions?"
Patient: "Go ahead."
"Do you know where you are right now?"
Patient: "Don't you know?"
"Of course! I just need to make sure you know, we get some pretty crazy answers sometimes!"
Patient: "Yes, I know where I am."
"Where are we?"
Patient: "Alaska"
"Wow, it's pretty hot for Alaska!"
Patient: "Global warming."

That lady was so pulling my leg, and was so cute.


----------



## Shishkabob

Brought in one of my ODs on Saturday... 

They were stripping him in the ER room trying to restrain him to get ready for a foley.  There's 5 of us guys in there, no females, and the patient.


They yank down his pants and he exclaims "Oh, I have the biggest penis!"

One of the nurses looks over-- "No you don't"



No one could stop laughing enough to do the foley.


----------



## MIkePrekopa

Was doing a psyche transfer from a hospital to a facility about 2.5 hrs away. the pt I brought was VERY VERY paranoid. asking the last time an ambulance caught fire, did we have fire extinguishers, how do they treat burns, etc. After answering a bunch of his questions, I excused myself from the bench to the captain's chair where he didn't talk to me nearly as much. 

When we first got into the ambulance, I asked him if her prefered to sit or lay down, he said sit, so I brought the head of the stretcher up. he found the lever used to adjust it, and placed it in the perfect position. I didn't care because he was behaving.

So back to where I was, about half way through the trip, after about 30 mins of his listening to his cd player, he grabs the lever , slams the head of the stretcher down, looks at me with his eyes bugged out, and says 

"I'm not suicidal"

"That's good" I replied

"I'm not homicidal either"

"That's even better" (I said it before I even thought it might not be the best thing to say.)



Most of the time that same guy was listening to his CD player, a few times he offered it to me and I would listen for a moment, then say it was good. It was rap, of which i AM a fan. well once he took his headphones off to take a nap, and could hear the music the driver had turned on. (oldies from the 60s/70s. Some of which i liked and most I didn't)

well he listens for a moment, turns to me and says

"She has no taste in music. I mean ABsoLUTELY POS-o-freaking-tivly no taste"

I burst out laughing.


----------



## somePerson

Had a pt. try to kill himself taking a few pills and washing them down with vodka. My partner told him something cheesy and stupid like "attempting suicide is a temporary solution to permanent problem", the patient just started laughing and said "I was going for a permanent solution for a temporary problem, I just :censored::censored::censored::censored:ed up and didn't do it right"


----------



## nomofica

Had a dude earlier this week cut up his own arm with a razor blade (distal posterior). This was at my security job, so my EMS train of thought really wasn't taking a priority (therefore do not lecture me about scene safety - this IS my job). Entered this guy's apartment with garbage, 2-week-old food and a shopping cart - this is his front hallway. notice the blood dripping and the several, several lacerations on his arm. he looks at me and says 

"don't worry, you can call me psycho"


ya, sure thing bud.


----------



## Gr33n_ey.d_goddess

Said to me and my fellow classmate while doing clinicals for EMT-B school while bagging and tagging a dead guy…
“There’s 3 tags, one for the toe, one for the thumb and one for his penis!!” 
Yea, ummm the whole city knew about that one!!  Great experience


----------



## adamjh3

My partner: "So what's going on with Mr. Patient today?"
CNA: "He's had four 'involuntary' bowel movements since 0730, all were bloody and diarrheal."
Partner "Oh, he blew an O-ring" 

_________________________________

(Sad story) We had a fifteen year old female who attempted suicide by tying a rope around her neck and the other end to the wooden banister of the staircase inside of her house and jumped. She weighs 390 pounds. The banister broke.

My partner (Old guy, about 20 years on the job, southern drawal, chews tobacco, whole nine yards): "Did you ever take a physics or engineering class, girl?"
Patient: "No, why?"
Partner: "Well, :censored::censored::censored::censored:."

I know suicide is not a funny issue, but the way he said it the look on his face... I laughed and feel bad about it.


----------



## ke5kce

Chief to dispatch: "Show all units clear from medical emergency. Deputy transporting one."

Had to be there maybe.


----------



## traumaqueen5

One day responding in a neighboring town (we cover half of our county up to the canadian border) for trying to commit suicide via pills. Pt was alert but AOB one of the city officers were on scene as well.we loaded our pt (who had problems walking down three steps on the front porch mind you) on to our stretcher the officer preceeded to tell her that we were going to put her into a padded room.... Let's say I've never seen a pt "fly" off of a stretcher in my life! We finally got her calmed down enough to lay back down. So I went to the back of the ambulance to open the doors and the officer looks at me and says "oops" ya I guess u gotta love law enforcement......   To this day he still is "officer smith" since he won't tell me how to pronounce his last name...


----------



## spike91

Had a girl with a knee dislocation the other day. Our medic had to push 2 rounds of 5mg morphine for pain management, didn't even take the edge off, you could tell she wasn't faking, either.

COuldn't help but shake my head, asked her "You don't do any drugs, do you?" She just looked at me and said "Uh..no?" And I told her "Good, you would NOT get your money's worth. THat'd be one expensive :censored::censored::censored::censored:ing habit for you"


----------



## jjesusfreak01

spike91 said:


> Had a girl with a knee dislocation the other day. Our medic had to push 2 rounds of 5mg morphine for pain management, didn't even take the edge off, you could tell she wasn't faking, either.
> 
> COuldn't help but shake my head, asked her "You don't do any drugs, do you?" She just looked at me and said "Uh..no?" And I told her "Good, you would NOT get your money's worth. THat'd be one expensive :censored::censored::censored::censored:ing habit for you"



Was she a redhead? I hear that we redheads have problems with pain meds being ineffective. If she was a redhead, please attach a picture.


----------



## CAO

jjesusfreak01 said:


> Was she a redhead? I hear that we redheads have problems with pain meds being ineffective. If she was a redhead, please attach a picture.



I like where this is going!


----------



## lightsandsirens5

CAO said:


> I like where this is going!



I don't!


----------



## CAO

Haha, spoil sport <_<

But I suppose we should be back to the scheduled wit.


----------



## socalmedic

old lady complaining of bilateral shoulder pain 10/10 after a fall, this is what it was after only 4mg morphine.

me:"mam, how do your shoulders feel now"
old lady:"what shoulders"
me:"the ones right here"
old lady:"oh those shoulders, they are fine, how are yours"


----------



## johnrsemt

had a patient do with that with severe abdominal pain, after 100mcg of Fentanyl.   she couldn't say abdomen,  much less think that she had pain in it.


----------



## katgrl2003

johnrsemt said:


> had a patient do with that with severe abdominal pain, after 100mcg of Fentanyl.   she couldn't say abdomen,  much less think that she had pain in it.



I remember that run!


----------



## EMS11

*Why do i always seem to get these guys*

We just had a major windstorm in the area, and as usual, guess who was on duty, me!!!!

I was working with a VERY attractive female partner (ducks incoming gf slap), and we were called to a rollover in a driveway, (obv. we asked dispatch to confirm, thinking how the hell do you roll over a car in a driveway).  After realizing it was a smart car that was unoccupied, I stupidly turned and said, "Damn I hate stupid blowjobs."   *blush* needless to say my partner was banned from asking anything the rest of the shift


----------



## aewin90

Patient hated needles and needed to get an IV, only took the nurses four tries to land a winner.

Pt: I'm sorry for crying.  I just hate needles.

Nurse:  If you liked needles, you would be in a different kind of hospital.


Had to be there maybe...


----------



## VirginiaEMT

We have a provider on our crew who's name is Richard *******, but he goes by ****. We had 3 crews on duty one night and we couldn't all sit at the same table at one of out favorite retaurant's, the Cracker Barrel.

I was sitting at a different table, but a female at the other table decided to loudly say "I love ****", referring to Richard **** of course. The place was packed and suddenly silence filled the air.


----------



## emtchick171

Paged out to a Signal 27S (stabbing). Upon arrival...Law Enforcement was already on scene and had the pt sitting in a chair in the front yard of the home with a towel wrapped around the back of his neck. Before we approach the pt he stands up and begins walking towards us. The pt told me that he had been cut on the backside of his neck (where he was holding the towel), across his right chest, and under his right arm. **load the pt in ambulance begin assessment** none of the cuts are deep or life threatening, all bleeding is almost completely stopped. Well the pt is about 22 years old. He stated "my d*** one legged uncle cut me"...at this time all I could do was think..."well why didn't you run. I mean, a man with one leg surely can't outrun a healthy 22 year old with 2 legs!!!!! 

As we are continuing the assessment...this conversation happens.

PT to my partner: "is my head going to fall off?" (in a very serious tone)
partner to PT: "well son, I sure as hell hope not, because I didn't bring a basket to catch it in."

you would have had to been there to get the full effect, but it was hilarious.


----------



## MedJPavlo

I once had a 87 y/o male patient who had just gotten viagra from his PMD. why his PMD gave him viagra is still a mystery to me. We got a call for CP and when i found him in his bed, he was tripoding but through his grunts of pain, he was laughing. He was so excited to have had intercourse and "really went to town on her" that he was laughing. After we packaged him up and got en route to the er, he pulled the NR up and asked if i would give him a high five. I couldn't help it, i high fived him and smiled. it was funny.


----------



## STXmedic

Asked a kid (18ish) if he had any drug allergies. Complete sincerity in his response: "I... I don't know... I haven't tried them all..." Couldn't help but to laugh prior to clarification!


----------



## JJR512

PoeticInjustice said:


> Asked a kid (18ish) if he had any drug allergies. Complete sincerity in his response: "I... I don't know... I haven't tried them all..."



"...but I'm really trying to find out!" lol


----------



## JJR512

emtchick171 said:


> ...PT to my partner: "is my head going to fall off?" (in a very serious tone)
> partner to PT: "well son, I sure as hell hope not, because I didn't bring a basket to catch it in."
> 
> you would have had to been there to get the full effect, but it was hilarious.



Reminds me of a conversation I once heard between two idiots. The first idiot was telling the second one about an accident he had once been in, in which the car he was in (allegedly) went underneath the trailer of an 18-wheeler, which sheared the roof off. After describing this, he said, "It's a good thing I ducked down at the last second or I still wouldn't have my head to this day!"


----------



## tssemt2010

"f**k you _____"
"you try to f**k on me?!"
"so i gotta ask, does that fat lady always sit in the same chair with the same clothes or is she barely active?"
"so how does this work?"patient:what do you mean? "i mean when youre the care giver and youre the one having seizures"


----------



## cmetalbend

An elderly woman came into the ER while I was doing my Clinicals, with severve abdominal pain. I asked "In your own words, what does it feel like?" she replies "It feels like somone stuck a _ick in it!" emmmm "Ok so on a scale of 1-10 How big was it?"  The nurses took a good 3-5 minutes to regain their composure.


----------



## hocomedic

it wasn't a call but in EMT class my friend and I were partners in a scenario and it was a trouble breathing due to asthma. My friend got the albuterol out and told the patient to "wrap your lips around this while i spray". I almost fell on the floor laughing.


----------



## usafmedic45

hocomedic said:


> it wasn't a call but in EMT class my friend and I were partners in a scenario and it was a trouble breathing due to asthma. My friend got the albuterol out and told the patient to "wrap your lips around this while i spray". I almost fell on the floor laughing.


That's almost as good as the guy who asked me if the neb worked like a bong.


----------



## hocomedic

haha


----------



## juxtin1987

This is in an ED setting with a hyperalcoholic patient if you know what i mean.

Pt: " HELP HELP "
Me: "What seems to be the problem" (I now slip on the wet floor to my butt)
Pt: "*Laughing*"
Me: "Is this URINE?????? X&$#$#"
Pt: "No i think i threw up"
Me: "Okay let me go get something to clean this up and remind you again what that pan you're HOLDING IN YOUR HANDS IS FOR"

I start to walk out of the room....

Pt: "I (EFFING) LIED, IT IS PISS, BAHAHAHHAHAHAHA"
Me to the Nurse: "is that banana bag almost empty?"


----------



## jpmedic21

pt. says " I pay your salary!" Group response: " We pay your insurance."


----------



## cmetalbend

medic417 said:


> EMT to patient I'm here to save you.



EMT to paramedic " Mt title only has 3 letters, oh wait yours does too. They just added PARAME to make it politically correct."<_<


----------



## Trauma_Junkie

Paramedic (EMT-B instructor): We can't fix stupid.
EMT student: We can..it's just not legal.


----------



## TransportJockey

cmetalbend said:


> EMT to paramedic " Mt title only has 3 letters, oh wait yours does too. They just added PARAME to make it politically correct."<_<



Hmmm... High strung *** is only three letters? Nah. Need to find someway to compress that down for you so you keep just three letters


----------



## slb862

Had a male pt. tell me his vulva was swollen in the back of his throat.  

Had to leave the room on that one.


----------



## cmetalbend

jtpaintball70 said:


> Hmmm... High strung *** is only three letters? Nah. Need to find someway to compress that down for you so you keep just three letters



Didn't I just give the answer to that?


----------



## adamjh3

"Miss, if your pain had a color... what would it be?"


----------



## medic417

cmetalbend said:


> EMT to paramedic " Mt title only has 3 letters, oh wait yours does too. They just added PARAME to make it politically correct."<_<



If you could only spell that might have had a slight chance of being funny.  I sense some envy.


----------



## DesertMedic66

AOS to a retirement home with a 93 y/o F pt. with SOB and pain in the chest. on the way to the hospital paramedic starts to hook her up on a 12 lead. im a student ride along at the time. medic moves pt's breast out of the way and hooks up the 12 lead. after we put the pt's shirt back on she feels her breast and says
PT: "you made my nipples hard"
Medic: "uhhhhhhhhhh"
Myself: "uhhhhhhhh"

It turned out to be a very quiet and awkward ride to the hospital.


----------



## jjesusfreak01

firefite said:


> It turned out to be a very quiet and awkward ride to the hospital.



Just say, "sorry about that", and continue on with your assessment like nothing happened. You have to come up with something to say so it doesn't get awkward.


----------



## reaper

firefite said:


> AOS to a retirement home with a 93 y/o F pt. with SOB and pain in the chest. on the way to the hospital paramedic starts to hook her up on a 12 lead. im a student ride along at the time. medic moves pt's breast out of the way and hooks up the 12 lead. after we put the pt's shirt back on she feels her breast and says
> PT: "you made my nipples hard"
> Medic: "uhhhhhhhhhh"
> Myself: "uhhhhhhhh"
> 
> It turned out to be a very quiet and awkward ride to the hospital.



Just say "your welcome" and move on!


----------



## bigbaldguy

Not a one liner but funny

Kid at one of our calls looks at my ID my Id says Michael and under that in smaller letters my last name Cook
Kid says so your a cook? Obviously the kids trying to figure out why a cook is working on an ambulance.
I say yeah we were a little short handed at the station today. I'm a cook, Charlie over there (I point at the in charge medic) is normally the housekeeper and Matt the driver is the guy that mows the lawn.
The kid didnt get it but everyone else got a laugh out of it.


----------



## saycarramrod

"is mickey mouse more of a cat or a dog?"


----------



## MrBrown

Out of the mouth of Mrs Brown comes much wisdom 

"Lady this is not Burger King, you cannot have it your way"


----------



## RockDoc

LOOK AT YOU!!!!!  Just look at you looking at me!!!!!

said to me by a wino laying flat on his back, had just puked straight up in the air and had a puke shower back into his face with puke draining down his beard, as I tried to figure out the best way to start this exam.


----------



## medichopeful

saycarramrod said:


> "is mickey mouse more of a cat or a dog?"



I hear that one around here all the time.  Where are you from?  PM me if you want.


----------



## saycarramrod

medichopeful said:


> I hear that one around here all the time.  Where are you from?  PM me if you want.



The names Tom. I work with the FDNY. Yourself?


----------



## Anjel

Second said:


> I know pretty much what gallows humor is I just looked it up to make sure, I couldn't do anything but laugh at it.
> 
> here ya go if your interested http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gallows_humor



Haha yup thats the type of humor us crazy EMS workers have to have


----------



## medichopeful

saycarramrod said:


> The names Tom. I work with the FDNY. Yourself?



Aha nevermind.  I just work with a college EMS agency in MA.  Fairly close though!


----------



## saycarramrod

medichopeful said:


> Aha nevermind.  I just work with a college EMS agency in MA.  Fairly close though!



An agency? Really? Thats pretty cool.


----------



## medichopeful

saycarramrod said:


> An agency? Really? Thats pretty cool.



Eh I misspoke, more of a club, but we work under the Department of Public Safety.  Hopefully one day it will be an agency!


----------



## zmannms

*medic radio report to hospital*

Medic-- xxxxx Hospital this is Rescue XX Paramedic XXXXXX
"we're inbound to your facility with a 68 y/o male with a c/o Chest Pain. pt is uncooperative and difficult  to treat. how do you copy so far" 

Hospital-- "I copy, go ahead"

Medic-- "Pts currently has 10/10 Chest pain when he takes a deep breath. No ST elevation noted on 12 lead and pts v/s are as follows (etc.etc.) Pt has been given PO ASAx4 and has 2 large bore IV's established. Pt is on 4 lpm Nasal cannula do you have any further orders xxxxxx hospital?"

Hospital-- "Rescue xx we copy your report, advised pt not to breathe and we'll see you on arrival"


----------



## ruprgnant

*cooperation*

lol well if you advised the pt not to breath at least when he passed out he'd be more cooperative ^_^





zmannms said:


> Medic-- xxxxx Hospital this is Rescue XX Paramedic XXXXXX
> "we're inbound to your facility with a 68 y/o male with a c/o Chest Pain. pt is uncooperative and difficult  to treat. how do you copy so far"
> 
> Hospital-- "I copy, go ahead"
> 
> Medic-- "Pts currently has 10/10 Chest pain when he takes a deep breath. No ST elevation noted on 12 lead and pts v/s are as follows (etc.etc.) Pt has been given PO ASAx4 and has 2 large bore IV's established. Pt is on 4 lpm Nasal cannula do you have any further orders xxxxxx hospital?"
> 
> Hospital-- "Rescue xx we copy your report, advised pt not to breathe and we'll see you on arrival"


----------



## johnrsemt

Had an ED Doc order,  on the radio to give patient 5mg Morphine every 5 min til he stops breathing.   when the pt looked at me funny, I told him it wouldn't hurt anymore,  and I can help him breathe.
  he told me to go for it:


----------



## S-ems

that seems more reasonable then  advising a pt. not to breathe ... heh

QUOTE=johnrsemt;281216]Had an ED Doc order,  on the radio to give patient 5mg Morphine every 5 min til he stops breathing.   when the pt looked at me funny, I told him it wouldn't hurt anymore,  and I can help him breathe.
  he told me to go for it:[/QUOTE]


----------



## HotelCo

Transported a frequent flyer psych patient to the psych hospital the other day. Had the patient ask me "is this real?" Without hesitating I pulled the Morpheus line from the matrix. "what is real? How do you define real? ..." apparently he has never seen the movie, because it looked like I just blew his mind.


----------



## HotelCo

johnrsemt said:


> Had an ED Doc order,  on the radio to give patient 5mg Morphine every 5 min til he stops breathing.   when the pt looked at me funny, I told him it wouldn't hurt anymore,  and I can help him breathe.
> he told me to go for it:



What an awesome patient.


----------



## S-ems

*wednesday/thursday*

on one of my calls we had a pt.  that was clearly drugged up on something ... we found him unconscious  up against a car in parking lot. we went ahead and asked him simple questions like ... what day is today (the day was saturday night/sunday morning) he responded wednesday....  we then asked him where he was ..... he also responded wednesday ...... so we reworded the question ... asked him where geographically he was ...  he then went oh (as if he then understood what we meant) and said thursday ..... so needless to say this patient was then forever known as wednesday,thursday ... i must say it was a much funnier event if you were there.


----------



## bigbaldguy

S-ems said:


> on one of my calls we had a pt.  that was clearly drugged up on something ... we found him unconscious  up against a car in parking lot. we went ahead and asked him simple questions like ... what day is today (the day was saturday night/sunday morning) he responded wednesday....  we then asked him where he was ..... he also responded wednesday ...... so we reworded the question ... asked him where geographically he was ...  he then went oh (as if he then understood what we meant) and said thursday ..... so needless to say this patient was then forever known as wednesday,thursday ... i must say it was a much funnier event if you were there.



That sounds pretty funny to me I can just picture the guy standing there mulling the question over carefully and then saying Thursday.


----------



## kbrodie694

Heard a flight medic tell my two medics they should have cardioverted the pt before trying drugs on them as he reached over and pushed the "shock" button without pushing the "sync" button and told the pt .  "This is gonna suck!"  
Would have sucked less with the monitor synced to with the pt.


----------



## ZootownMedic

Knew a Medic that is no longer with my FD that had a Pt on shrooms that thought he had spiders all over him and was freaking out. They transported him and the whole way the Medic helped him pick the spiders off put them in a 'box'. Well apparently the nurses at this particular hospital made this medic mad because as soon as they pulled up he dumped the whole 'box' of spiders on the guys head before rolling him in. Another reason to be friendly to the road crews!


----------



## keithptf46

CO alarm no one inside. we were getting packed up to go in, sheriff comes hammering into driveway code 3.

ME" weres the fire"

Cop" what do you need me to do"

MY Partner" get back in you car and get doughnuts"

Me had to walk away so not to laugh in face.

Morral of the story slow down and think about what you are doing


----------



## spike91

"Bear with me, I'm new at this"


----------



## keithptf46

me my partner and 2 other firefighters standing at front door,
firefighter looks at my partner and say " its on fire"
My partner " who the f### are you waiting for the firedepartment" as he shoulders the door
Me " Call the big number on the side of all the trucks outside they know what to do" as we breach the front door.
look on new guys face priceless


----------



## keithptf46

my partner and i took a man to hospice, he was declineing fast, we put him on a nonrebreather at 15lpm, transported him, when we got there moved him to the bed and the medic gave an up date to the nurse.
" pt started to decline put him on nonrebreather" gave her the stats and then say just as we are leaving
Medic "I dont think hes going to make it much longer"
nurse "why"
Medic "hes not getting enough O2" really calm and slow
nurse" really"
medic "yea your aid put him on a concentraitor at 4 lpm hes sufficating"
nurse turns around and says "omg what are you doing"
aid " hes a real mouth breather a canula will do him no good"
Medic " det da det det dats all folks" as we leave


----------



## EMSrush

SmokeMedic said:


> Knew a Medic that is no longer with my FD that had a Pt on shrooms that thought he had spiders all over him and was freaking out. They transported him and the whole way the Medic helped him pick the spiders off put them in a 'box'. Well apparently the nurses at this particular hospital made this medic mad because as soon as they pulled up he dumped the whole 'box' of spiders on the guys head before rolling him in. Another reason to be friendly to the road crews!



That's terrible. 
I had a similar patient, but with snakes instead of spiders. They stayed in the box that we put them in without a problem, which I thought was great... lol


----------



## EMSrush

juxtin1987 said:


> This is in an ED setting with a hyperalcoholic patient if you know what i mean.
> 
> Pt: " HELP HELP "
> Me: "What seems to be the problem" (I now slip on the wet floor to my butt)
> Pt: "*Laughing*"
> Me: "Is this URINE?????? X&$#$#"
> Pt: "No i think i threw up"
> Me: "Okay let me go get something to clean this up and remind you again what that pan you're HOLDING IN YOUR HANDS IS FOR"
> 
> I start to walk out of the room....
> 
> Pt: "I (EFFING) LIED, IT IS PISS, BAHAHAHHAHAHAHA"
> Me to the Nurse: "is that banana bag almost empty?"



OMG, I'm hysterical.... LOL... I can SO envision this happening...


----------



## Zodiac

SmokeMedic said:


> *Knew a Medic that is no longer with my FD that had a Pt on shrooms that thought he had spiders all over him* and was freaking out. They transported him and the whole way *the Medic helped him pick the spiders off put them in a 'box'.* Well apparently the nurses at this particular hospital made this medic mad because as soon as they pulled up *he dumped the whole 'box' of spiders on the guys head before rolling him in.* Another reason to be friendly to the road crews!



And another reason why some people shouldn't be working in the medical field.


----------



## AtlantaEMT

My first day in the field during EMT school.  Patient knocks on our door at about 10am (how she found the station, I have no clue) and her tongue is swollen to hell in her mouth.  We get into the truck and I went to start an IV (my very first).  I put the tourniquet on and the patient says to me "It's not tight enough".  I look down at her arms and I see tracks.  I almost blurted out "you want to do it?".


----------



## orange20medic

We had a pt in a nursing home who was in obvious respiratory distress. She was sitting in her room on 1 L o2 with no nurses around. Finally a nurse comes in and we load the pt and put her on 4 L and low and behold her sats went up to 100%. The nurse told us that we were called because the transfer service was taking too long to come get her. When the medic questioned her decision, she then began to say pt had altered mental status (which she didn't have an AMS)... Anyway, we loaded the pt and put her in the ambulance. She asks us "Are you sure I need to go to the ER"? My preceptor (I'm an intermediate student) replies to the pt "We'll take you to the ER so that you can get some real nurses to talk to." Pt didn't even seem to notice what he said but we all were cracking up!


----------



## *MX-EMT

*"There goes C-Spine!"*

Working at a dirtbike track is always fun. Especially when you get all the forginers from Japan that dont speak english and think that the fastest way to the hospital is picking up the unconcious 8 y/o pt. w/ clav def that just hit a wall and running to the car during the middle of my assesment! Haha The best part was me running along side the mom so she could sign AMA and my Partner saying "There goes C-spine" haha lol-TRUE STORY!


----------



## ceoemt

Pt to me: why are you crying?
Me: I'm not crying, I'm laughing 
**in regards to being told my male patient had a history of cervical cancer.


----------



## SeeNoMore

I don't think the humor translates...

But at the end of a very long day we come up onto the floor with an IFT patient, pretty sick but stable. We have to wait for a room and while we are doing so the staff is getting some admission info. This nurse, clearly thinking I am an idiot starts off with...

"He's ok right...he has a blood pressure? Did you check?"

I was astounded for a moment at basically being asked if i knew if my pt was alive or dead. So I just responded dryly...

"Why yes I imagine so."

Not that funny maybe, but at the time it seemd so and kept my partner and I laughing for the rest of the shift.


----------



## YouInTheShirt

*classic mixup*

@ 4am nurse apparently told me, "ask the patient if she still has her menstrual cycle."

@ 4am this is what I heard..... "ask the patient if she still sell beer."

classic mixup


----------



## XxGAMBLExX

This basically is what happened during my clinicals. Please excuse the language, this is just a good explanation. 

[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHAmlyyrhTM[/YOUTUBE]


----------



## kf4lar

*That'll stop the pain.*

I'm a volunteer at in a small town WAY out in the boonies.  It's a 45 minute trip just to get to the closest Wal-Mart.  And the hospital is even further.

I wasn't on this call, but at our last bi-weekly training session, two of the EMT's told us about one of the calls they had run.  (Names changed to protect the not-so-innocent.)

Bill:  Susie and I had a great call this week.  Ten year old hit by a car.  We get there and kid's lying on the ground yelling "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die."

Susie:  Bill leans down and tells him, "No your not.  You'll be ok."

Bill:  Everytime we open our mouths to ask him a question, all he can do is moan and tell us, "I'm gonna die."  We get him backboarded and loaded.  He reaches the point where he yelling "Lord Jesus save me, I'm gonna die."

Susie:  So we're moving down the interstate and trying to get an IV started.  The kid's STILL carrying on.  I finally can't take it.  I look down at him, get right in his face and say, "You are NOT going to die.  CALM DOWN!"

Bill:  Then she looks straight at me while I'm pulling out the ringers and the IV tubing and says, "Bill, give me a 22."  Kid's eyes go wide and he clams up.  Can't get him to talk for the rest of the 45 minute ride to the hospital.

Susie:  If I had known it would work so well, I'd have asked one of the deputies for his pistol before we loaded him up.


----------



## Captn' Tuddle

Was transporting a pt with dementia:

pt: I want a cheese burger, do you have any cheese burgers?
me: No, sorry ma'am. We don't come equiped with cheese burgers.
Pt: Oh, well you should. You should get those mini ones - they are easier to carry around.You could put them right there (points to the bench).
Me; You know, thats a great idea, I'll have to recommend that to my supervisor.

Guess what I was craving for the rest of my shift?


----------



## Lemons92

Went to get look at eyes of a 80 or so old pt with my penlight and the pt is a spanish speaker and says something and i didnt understand and my partner starts cracking up pt said "why are so close do you wanna kiss me or something"
never gonna let that down.....


----------



## bigbaldguy

kf4lar said:


> I'm a volunteer at in a small town WAY out in the boonies.  It's a 45 minute trip just to get to the closest Wal-Mart.  And the hospital is even further.
> 
> I wasn't on this call, but at our last bi-weekly training session, two of the EMT's told us about one of the calls they had run.  (Names changed to protect the not-so-innocent.)
> 
> Bill:  Susie and I had a great call this week.  Ten year old hit by a car.  We get there and kid's lying on the ground yelling "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die."
> 
> Susie:  Bill leans down and tells him, "No your not.  You'll be ok."
> 
> Bill:  Everytime we open our mouths to ask him a question, all he can do is moan and tell us, "I'm gonna die."  We get him backboarded and loaded.  He reaches the point where he yelling "Lord Jesus save me, I'm gonna die."
> 
> Susie:  So we're moving down the interstate and trying to get an IV started.  The kid's STILL carrying on.  I finally can't take it.  I look down at him, get right in his face and say, "You are NOT going to die.  CALM DOWN!"
> 
> Bill:  Then she looks straight at me while I'm pulling out the ringers and the IV tubing and says, "Bill, give me a 22."  Kid's eyes go wide and he clams up.  Can't get him to talk for the rest of the 45 minute ride to the hospital.
> 
> Susie:  If I had known it would work so well, I'd have asked one of the deputies for his pistol before we loaded him up.



Took me a minute but I get it now lol


----------



## canisdoo

Called to transport a patient with an "extended erection".

Partner said What would you call it if it was flaccid. "A decreased erection."

The nurse gave a report and said no labs, no ct, only an X-ray.

I said "what in the heck were you expecting to find with an x-ray, the genie holding it up??


----------



## jmc519

I responded to a driver needed call from our local ambulance service a couple months ago, to a bar that's just a couple blocks from my house. The medic on the call was the instructor of my EMT-B class, which I was still in at that time. He had the patient, who was obviously ETOH, sitting on the cot, and told him "If you feel the need to vomit, just aim for my partner."


----------



## DevK

*kidnapped*

My favorite teacher back in school told me this great one.

They got an unknown call to David's Bridal. There were two pt.s, two Mexican women who didn't speak a word of English. They spinaled her because they found her on the floor, got her put in the rig, and right before they left had an interpreter to find out what happened. The woman was talking to him really fast, and the man looks at them and says, "She's saying, 'Help, they kidnapped me and strapped me to a board.'"


----------



## DevK

*Cpr*

"How do you know if your CPR is effective?"
"When the dummy clicks?"


----------



## usafmedic45

> Would have sucked less with the monitor synced to with the pt.



Says who?


----------



## Bullets

we were at a bar with a couple of injuries and a couple of guys hooked. I'm siting on a guy with an arm lac because he's trying to bite me when a local LEO says, "be careful, he's gonna bite you kneecaps off" I almost fell off the guy


----------



## Sasha

Said to a hospice patient:

"Get better soon!"


----------



## ShotMedic

i dunno if this counts but day 3 of a 72 hour shift greet the patient, " hi (patients name) my name is matt i am the paramedic on the ambulance. What's your name?" engine crew looks at me trying not to laugh...


----------



## Lemons92

Haha ShotMedic I've done that before at like 3am half asleep and my partner just looked at me and started laughing


----------



## ShotMedic

the best part was the call was for an ALOC, and the patient caught it right away. i was like she is gooodd let go


----------



## nemedic

PT: I don't want to go to the hospital. Besides, you don't have enough people to lift me (bariatric pt)
ME: What If I get some handsome firemen to help us???
PT: OOOOOh! I loves me some firemen. I'll go.

Thank god the bariatric stretcher fit (barely) into the elevator. otherwise, I would still be on my back popping vicodins like they were white M&Ms


----------



## spar34

had an old woman complaining of "neck pain", really just wanted a ride to the hospital, she was complaining very loudly and at one point said "oh please just hit me over the head to make the pain go away" to which my partner responded "if i could i would ma'am....you know, to uh...make your pain go away"


----------



## AustinNative

Me (while pt. is clonic)- "How often does she have seizures?" 
Witness- "Every morning after she does Ecstasy." 
Me- "Does this happen a lot?"
Witness- "Yeah, she really loves X."


----------



## sirengirl

guardian528 said:


> "are you sure this isn't just your period?"




When doing my ride-alongs for EMT school, I was in Newtown (a "ghetto" section of our city) and got called for a frequent flier who is apparently stupid enough to make the EMT groan and say "Not THEM again!" Get her in the bac of the truck and this is how it goes-

Medic: "So your stomach is hurting, huh?"
Pt: "Yup, pretty bad."
Medic: "What kind of pain?"
Pt: "Like a stabbing."
Medic: "On a scale of 0-10 etcetcetc"
Pt: Ummm maybe like an 8."
Medic: "Is there anything that makes it worse or better?"
Pt: "No, but when it happens I bleed from my vagina."

.....yea.


----------



## kknp4life

*Guy gets in drunk motorcycle accident
New Medic-What happened?
Guy-I fell out of a tree!
Had to be there.


----------



## EMTswag

Me: "Dont worry ma'am we have not dropped anyone."
Pt: "Really?"
Me:"..Today."


----------



## jediwill

emilykey said:


> Hey yall! I'm new here, well new to posting anyways. I work for a private company in North Louisiana. We get alot of calls at the prison and have to transport to monroe, a very long ride! Most of our pts are handcuffed and strapped everywhere possible to the stretcher. We always have a guard with us. WELL... we were pulling up to the hospital and there are pot holes and speed bumbs everywhere so its pretty bumpy, as you can imagine. My partner takes the bumps as slow and easy as she could but it really doesn't help. when we go to unload our pt, he says dang! these roads are crazy bumpy! My partner replies yea, and theres not a da** thing you can do about it. meaning that you cant go around them or possibly take them any slower. the inmate, our pt, gets this look on his face like, did she really just say that to me?! We had to explain ourselves. It wasn't that he was handcuffed that he couldnt do anything....guess you just had to be there!



Lol typical Louisiana roads for ya.


----------



## bigbaldguy

sirengirl said:


> When doing my ride-alongs for EMT school, I was in Newtown (a "ghetto" section of our city) and got called for a frequent flier who is apparently stupid enough to make the EMT groan and say "Not THEM again!" Get her in the bac of the truck and this is how it goes-
> 
> Medic: "So your stomach is hurting, huh?"
> Pt: "Yup, pretty bad."
> Medic: "What kind of pain?"
> Pt: "Like a stabbing."
> Medic: "On a scale of 0-10 etcetcetc"
> Pt: Ummm maybe like an 8."
> Medic: "Is there anything that makes it worse or better?"
> Pt: "No, but when it happens I bleed from my vagina."
> 
> .....yea.



Nice.


----------



## velocity x

MMiz said:


> During one of my first calls I once told a patient to "Elevate it above your head" for a nosebleed.  Yeah, I never lived that one down.



haha, nyyioce!


----------



## feldy

had a very combative pt who was c-spine (MVC) with positive ETOH. He was yelling and swinging at us saying that he would sue us. So finally i yelled at him to sit down and shut up. I got a smirk from my partner.


----------



## Hunter

Pt complaining of headache, we do our general assessment start ad IV and everything while transporting to hospital.

Prior to IV being started Pt stated pain was a 10/10, Administered 10mL of 0.9% Sodium Chloride, Pain went down to a 3/10 Amazing the healing properties of a Normal Saline Flush.


----------



## Hunter

EMTRabbit said:


> Not something said to a patient but i think it's pretty good. its about cpr and transport
> 
> "Do it early, do it right, do it fast, then hold on for the ride."



Lol this reminds me of what we would say in our EMT class when talking about good CPR

"You gotta do it Deep, Fast, hard and don't stop except to blow, you're tired or someone else joins."


----------



## katgrl2003

Hunter said:


> Lol this reminds me of what we would say in our EMT class when talking about good CPR
> 
> "You gotta do it Deep, Fast, hard and don't stop except to blow, you're tired or someone else joins."



I snorted Gatorade out my nose when I read that!


----------



## daine.scott

We were told to put anesthesia in one of our patient. SO before surgery he was talking a lot. The patient was a middle aged man. 

Patient: What happened?
Medic: You met with an accident
Patient: Ok, everybody is fine.
Medic: Luckily everyone is fine.
Patient: Who all are there?
Medic: Your kids, your brother, your wife.
Patient: How could you do this to me, you saved my wife and not me. Why is she fine and I am not this is not fair.
After that he went unconscious until post surgery.


----------



## Hunter

Lol just remembered this another way of doing good CPR if you need a good rate of continous compressions, just follow the beat of this song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9E-WasNzVpI


----------



## DESERTDOC

While at a Sutter hospital a Paramedic whom I despised came in with a code that turned out to be a field save in spite of this particular Paramedics best effort to kill the patient.  He was happy about it and I just could not see wasting a good moment.  I walked over said my congrats, and added "well, you can't kill'em all".  And walked away.


----------



## sirengirl

Not quite patient one-liner, but god, I almost died...

Today in class we were practicing finding pulses (hey, cut me some slack, it's day 4 of medic...) on each other and the dummies. My teacher then says,
"Alright, put your hands down your pants and find your own femoral pulse."
Classmate says, "Would it be weird if we all watched Kara do this?"

I'm the only female in a class of 8 Fire/EMTs. Yeah, I DFO laughing/blushing. And no, I didn't even attempt it.


----------



## Missedcue

EMTDON970 said:


> Giving a reprt to a doctor on a fall patient...
> 
> "..Pt was walking down the street and "DFO'd".........
> 
> DFO-Done Fell out-   Doctor understood me too!!!!! lol



I brought a drunk fall into the ER and the nurse and I said FDGB at the same time... I didn't know Fall Down Go Boom was a clinical acronym.


----------



## ZootownMedic

Had a patient the other day say that they were allergic to Sodium, Epinephrine, and Magnesium.....I told them that was interesting and said "I'm guessing your not allergic to Morphine or Fentanyl though right?"....he said..."hell no, I do just fine with those!"......OH YEAH


----------



## Jon

Missedcue said:


> I brought a drunk fall into the ER and the nurse and I said FDGB at the same time... I didn't know Fall Down Go Boom was a clinical acronym.


Yup. As is LOL in NAD, GOMER, and many, many more.


----------



## attnondeck

Missedcue said:


> I brought a drunk fall into the ER and the nurse and I said FDGB at the same time... I didn't know Fall Down Go Boom was a clinical acronym.





i walked into the er the other day   and on the dry erase board where they put the pt name by what bed they are in and their complaint it said  "FDGB"      :rofl:


----------



## attnondeck

Hunter said:


> Lol just remembered this another way of doing good CPR if you need a good rate of continous compressions, just follow the beat of this song
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9E-WasNzVpI



we use this one    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKdVq_vNAAI


----------



## jbrynels

*Working a rugby game*

I was on one rugby field and my partner was on the other. I called her for backup and she ran down and found me with a patient on the bench in seated spinal, she runs up to me and I look at her "Jenn, I suspect C-SPINE!" in a relativley panicked, newbie voice.... Her response "No :censored::censored::censored::censored: Sherlock." The patient laughed. I didn't.


----------



## NeverSatisfied~NorCal

We went for a pick up from the hospital and the nurse was taking her time so I decided to speed up the process and d/c the ECG 

so I kindly asked the nice elderly lady if I could adjust her mammary region to remove the lead and she said sure

As I adjust the hanging skin she says:

"Ooh honey at least kiss me on neck the first" :rofl:

and it just so happened it all went down as the nurse was walking in. 

I think my face was red the entire rest of my shift


----------



## NeverSatisfied~NorCal

I have another one but it is not a one liner but worthy of sharing.

We arrive for a pick up at the local mental health facility. And it was my turn to be the patient person no biggie. Well as we get let in I see this man standing behind the front desk. He has to be 7 feet tall and all muscle (looked like an NFL linebacker). He is very polite and nice. The nurse told us that he was very happy and in wonderful spirits but the facility we were transporting to was an hour away. Great!

We load up and he is kind of quiet until we hit the freeway and he begins to look nervously out the windows. 

then these events transpire:

Me: are you comfortable?
Him: I know who you are and why you are here to get me!

Me: Yes I am an EMT and we are taking you to your house.
Him: You are under the mind control of an alien and the red car behind us is here to make sure you take me away.

Me: I am on your side and will not let anyone take you, I give you my word!
Him: Thats exactly what they told you to say. 

Me: (emphasized loud enough so my partner would hear me) I know that RED car could not be following us it was on the freeway before we got on. Would it help if we switched lanes to prove its not following us. 
Him: Yes (Keep in mind I have a 400 pound 7ft muscle man on my gurney)

Me: Hey partner I think we need to speed this trip up get in the fast lane. (thank god the red car stayed in the other lane)
Him: Ok so I guess you are on my side. But how do I know I can trust you?

Me: You can trust me because we are taking you home to XYZ in ABC City.
Him: Phew.... I am glad because I didnt want to hurt you.

(He just sits there for about 20 minutes)

Him: I know they are watching from satellites through the windows!
Me: (without hesitation) We brought our top secret ambulance because we knew how important you were and it has one way glass so we can see them and they cant see us. 

Him: Really?!?
My partner: Yes our boss told us this mission was important (thank god he was listening still) and not laughing at me.
Me: See we have a mission and will not fail!!

He was quiet for the rest of the ride and needless to say the 15 minute vitals were UTO....I was not chancing it

Righ before we get out:

Him: We escaped this time but next time we wont be so lucky.
Me: silence

When we get inside and he is all nice and happy just like when we picked him up. He looks back and whispers I will be watching you two.

Yeah...scary!


----------



## EMT11KDL

jbrynels said:


> I was on one rugby field and my partner was on the other. I called her for backup and she ran down and found me with a patient on the bench in seated spinal, she runs up to me and I look at her "Jenn, I suspect C-SPINE!" in a relativley panicked, newbie voice.... Her response "No :censored::censored::censored::censored: Sherlock." The patient laughed. I didn't.



im laughing at this one lol yeah gotta love when we say something stupid and the patient laughs... 

so yesterday on shfit.. we went to the store to get stuff for lunch.. i have never seen a person jump as high as this person did.. so i was in one line to check out, our capt was in another, medic was in another line.. well none of us realized how loud our radios were, dispatch drops the tones for another station and the lady that was ringing up my capt stuff jumped and said what the F was that.. and every buddy started laughing, not sure if was because of that or that all 3 of us reached for the volume nob to turn it down at the same time lol


----------



## vamike

EMS11 said:


> One more just came to mind... I was on my way back from a show in PA when i came across a Fatal MVC with a motorcycle into a tree... When the troopers arrived they asked why i wasn't doing cpr.
> 
> "Well... I did a pulse check and realized that this is a crime scene, and did not want to contaminate it."
> 
> Cop: "How do you know he was DoA?" (with a real smug attitude)
> 
> Me: "Well 'DOC'... His helmet is across 4 lanes of traffic with a good amount of brain matter in it, that *points up 30ft to a high tree branch* That look like his ID. Oh and his head, is 180degrees from where it should be. Not to mention he smurf'd already. Also, half his bike is on fire on the median. Any more evidence needed Sherlock, or can ya solve this one?"
> 
> Cop: *to his radio* "Slow everything down, confirmed signal 5 (fatal)."
> 
> his HQ: "How do you know that?"
> 
> Cop: "I'll let the EMT on scene tell you......"
> 
> (worst part for the crotchrocket rider was all i had in the car to cover his body, was my friend's daughter's pink tinkerbell blanket....)



Sorry but what does Smurf'd mean?


----------



## Martyn

vamike said:


> Sorry but what does Smurf'd mean?


 
Are you for real? Cyanosis ring a bell or two? LOL :rofl:


----------



## STXmedic

Martyn said:


> Are you for real? Cyanosis ring a bell or two? LOL :rofl:



Yeah, but he used "Smurf'd" as verb. That's about as stupid a term as "green wind"


----------



## attnondeck

Martyn said:


> Are you for real? Cyanosis ring a bell or two? LOL :rofl:





that is a FANTASTIC picture!!!! ahahhahahahaha


----------



## exodus

NeverSatisfied~NorCal said:


> We went for a pick up from the hospital and the nurse was taking her time so I decided to speed up the process and d/c the ECG
> 
> so I kindly asked the nice elderly lady if I could adjust her mammary region to remove the lead and she said sure
> 
> As I adjust the hanging skin she says:
> 
> "Ooh honey at least kiss me on neck the first" :rofl:
> 
> and it just so happened it all went down as the nurse was walking in.
> 
> I think my face was red the entire rest of my shift



Erhm, I hope the nurse said it was okay to DC the EKG. If not, how do you know that she wasn't on it for a spurt of rapid a-fib she had a little bit ago. Or that the nurse hasn't gotten the last vital set for you.


----------



## Sasha

exodus said:


> Erhm, I hope the nurse said it was okay to DC the EKG. If not, how do you know that she wasn't on it for a spurt of rapid a-fib she had a little bit ago. Or that the nurse hasn't gotten the last vital set for you.



Then why would she be getting discharged if she was still supposed to be on tele?


----------



## exodus

Sasha said:


> Then why would she be getting discharged if she was still supposed to be on tele?



Order of things that may have happened:

Discharge order put in; you called and given the call to pick up the pt to return home (or to a floor somewhere else); pt had change in condition (ala r-a-fib) or something along the likes; rn is treating the patient and didn't have time to cancel the call.  The nurse taking her time may be the nurse ordering medications or talking to the dr, or your dispatch center upgrading the call to CCT or cancelling all together.

I've had several times where we walk into the ER doors, and our pagers goes off for call cancelled - status changed.


----------



## STXmedic

exodus said:


> Order of things that may have happened:
> 
> Discharge order put in; you called and given the call to pick up the pt to return home (or to a floor somewhere else); pt had change in condition (ala r-a-fib) or something along the likes; rn is treating the patient and didn't have time to cancel the call.  The nurse taking her time may be the nurse ordering medications or talking to the dr



Lol kind of a stretch, huh? Yes, possible, but I don't think taking off a 4 lead is going to kill your patient.


----------



## JPINFV

Worst comes to worst, reattach the leads (or get the RN to do it). Generally, I'll check in at the nurses station before making patient contact. Sure, official report and the packet may be delayed, but if something has changed that's the place when I'm going to find out anyways. It's not like disconnecting a ventilator.


----------



## Sasha

exodus said:


> Order of things that may have happened:
> 
> Discharge order put in; you called and given the call to pick up the pt to return home (or to a floor somewhere else); pt had change in condition (ala r-a-fib) or something along the likes; rn is treating the patient and didn't have time to cancel the call.  The nurse taking her time may be the nurse ordering medications or talking to the dr, or your dispatch center upgrading the call to CCT or cancelling all together.
> 
> I've had several times where we walk into the ER doors, and our pagers goes off for call cancelled - status changed.



Huge stretch. Tele usually comes off a few minutes after I enter the room.


Sent from LuLu using Tapatalk


----------



## usalsfyre

Disconnecting the tele pack is not the end of the world. If she's having runs of anything, she'll have another, and monitor leads get popped off all the time.


----------



## Calichic

usalsfyre said:


> Disconnecting the tele pack is not the end of the world. If she's having runs of anything, she'll have another, and monitor leads get popped off all the time.



Agreed
and it only takes 2 sec to put a lead on if needed 
not a big deal


----------



## traumaluv2011

Hunter said:


> Lol just remembered this another way of doing good CPR if you need a good rate of continous compressions, just follow the beat of this song
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9E-WasNzVpI



Being a huge fan of 90's alternative/grunge, I use this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8MAHQhKe7Q



EMS11 said:


> One more just came to mind... I was on my way back from a show in PA when i came across a Fatal MVC with a motorcycle into a tree... When the troopers arrived they asked why i wasn't doing cpr.
> 
> "Well... I did a pulse check and realized that this is a crime scene, and did not want to contaminate it."
> 
> Cop: "How do you know he was DoA?" (with a real smug attitude)
> 
> Me: "Well 'DOC'... His helmet is across 4 lanes of traffic with a good amount of brain matter in it, that *points up 30ft to a high tree branch* That look like his ID. Oh and his head, is 180degrees from where it should be. Not to mention he smurf'd already. Also, half his bike is on fire on the median. Any more evidence needed Sherlock, or can ya solve this one?"
> 
> Cop: *to his radio* "Slow everything down, confirmed signal 5 (fatal)."
> 
> his HQ: "How do you know that?"
> 
> Cop: "I'll let the EMT on scene tell you......"
> 
> (worst part for the crotchrocket rider was all i had in the car to cover his body, was my friend's daughter's pink tinkerbell blanket....)



Now being an EMT in NJ, shouldn't you know that you aren't allowed to pronounce anyone deceased. You can presume deceased, but you need a paramedic to confirm. I'm an EMT in NJ as well.


----------



## Tigger

traumaluv2011 said:


> Being a huge fan of 90's alternative/grunge, I use this song:
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8MAHQhKe7Q
> 
> 
> 
> Now being an EMT in NJ, shouldn't you know that you aren't allowed to pronounce anyone deceased. You can presume deceased, but you need a paramedic to confirm. I'm an EMT in NJ as well.



If you are presuming someone dead, do you still have to work them since you can't confirm they're dead? Honest question.


----------



## Handsome Robb

traumaluv2011 said:


> Now being an EMT in NJ, shouldn't you know that you aren't allowed to pronounce anyone deceased. You can presume deceased, but you need a paramedic to confirm. I'm an EMT in NJ as well.



Even with widely accepted irreversible signs of death present?

Wow.


----------



## STXmedic

traumaluv2011 said:


> Being a huge fan of 90's alternative/grunge, I use this song:
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8MAHQhKe7Q
> 
> 
> 
> Now being an EMT in NJ, shouldn't you know that you aren't allowed to pronounce anyone deceased. You can presume deceased, but you need a paramedic to confirm. I'm an EMT in NJ as well.



How does CPR work on a decapitation?


----------



## comppro

NVRob said:


> Even with widely accepted irreversible signs of death present?
> 
> Wow.



In my area, if it is an obvious accepted sign of death we don't have to work them, really what's the point.


----------



## attnondeck

NVRob said:


> Even with widely accepted irreversible signs of death present?
> 
> Wow.



Ice cold and stiff as a board and theyhave to wait for an als unit to come and say .". Yup dead, see ya later".  ?    That sounds like a tie up of resourses.....


----------



## Handsome Robb

So I will edit my statement. As an Intermediate in my county I can't pronounce, our code 50 charts require an attached ECG strip which is out of my scope within our county. With that said, every unit is I/P or P/P here.

In the rest of the state minus the urban areas Intermediates can write code 50 charts.


----------



## MtnRes951

drunk patient to EMT: leave me alone, dont mess with me, i know katate
EMT to drunk patient: oh ya? well we're all ninjas and im pretty sure we would win.
drunk patient to EMT: ok, do what ever you have to.
h34r:


----------



## McGoo

Elderly patient: "you look just like my friend."

Me: "He's a lucky devil."


----------



## Dazasm

I'm not an EMT, at least not yet, but have a story from when I did a ride-along with a medic as part of one of my classes that I thought I'd share.

We were dispatched to an MVA on one of the rural highways with caller stating it was a semitruck on top of a small car. We rush out code 3 find out it was a t-bone - the semi pulled out from a side street in front of the car(65mph) and then rolled over what was left of the hood. Ugly crash.
Fire opened up the car for us and only patient is the 20yo F driver of the car, truck driver wasn't hurt. She was unresponsive when we arrived, quickly had her packed up on the backboard and collared and were code 3 enroute to the nearest level II(~20min drive). She was in and out of consciousness throughout the trip but able to answer questions at times though most answers were either "I don't know" or made absolutely no sense, but she became increasingly coherent during the ride and even started to joke around a little bit.

This exchange happened as we were pulling in the trauma bay about to unload when she started kind of rocking her foot back and forth:
Medic: "What's wrong with your leg? Does it hurt?"
Px: "No I just have to pee" 
Medic: *chuckles* "I'm sorry I'm not sure when you'll get a chance to do that"
Px: "You know sir?"
Medic: "Yes?"
*long, dramatic pause until the medic stops what he's doing and makes eye contact*
Px: "....it would _really_ ruin my day if I peed myself"

I don't know if it's one of those "you had to be there" things but it gave us all a good laugh. We were glad to find out on followup later on that day that her injuries weren't too serious and that her day apparently wasn't ruined afterall


----------



## Martyn

PoeticInjustice said:


> How does CPR work on a decapitation?


----------



## Niccigsu

attnondeck said:


> Ice cold and stiff as a board and theyhave to wait for an als unit to come and say .". Yup dead, see ya later".  ?    That sounds like a tie up of resourses.....



From what I've learned in my AEMT class is around here, the coroner is the only one that can pronounce in the field.


----------



## DV_EMT

usalsfyre said:


> Disconnecting the tele pack is not the end of the world. If she's having runs of anything, she'll have another, and monitor leads get popped off all the time.



yeah.... and coming from a telemetry technician...... its a pain in the @ss all the time when those buggers come off... especially waking the patients up at night, uber annoying getting yelled at..

not to mention that patients aren't usually reconnected on the floors by the RN untill 30-45 minutes later... god know what happened during that time


----------



## Roheline

Returning to the original topic...

Medic tries to explain to intoxicated patient why there's a needle in her arm, says she's giving her fluids to make her feel better.

Patient says in a panicked voice: "Oh my god, I have FLUIDS in my body??!!"


----------



## JPINFV

Roheline said:


> Returning to the original topic...
> 
> Medic tries to explain to intoxicated patient why there's a needle in her arm, says she's giving her fluids to make her feel better.
> 
> Patient says in a panicked voice: "Oh my god, I have FLUIDS in my body??!!"









/If you don't get the reference, then you need to stay off my friggin lawn you whippersnappers.


----------



## Roheline

AHAHAHA...I thought it was funny when I was on the call, but that reference never even entered my head at the time. Thank you.


----------



## northernnhmedic

When I was working in NYC, I tried buffing a jumper down, but got beat there by another unit.  Turns out the guy was running from the cops and jumping from roof to roof, missed the last gap, and landed on the ground on his feet.  As the other crew is loading him in the bus, I see him on the stretcher writhing and complaning about the pain in his ankles, so I say "Bet you wont do that again..."  and walk off.


----------



## Two-Timer

Partner is about to give adenosine to patient with SVT.
Just before he pushes it he says,  "If you see the light, don't go towards it!"  Ten seconds later with, no rhythm, he reflects, "S#*t! He went for it." 
A few seconds after that - normal sinus and a pulse.


----------



## AmeriMedic21

"What happened?" x8 - Pt w/ Head injury & Retrograde Amnesia

"you jumped off a skyscraper and landed on your head." Me

lol, long story short, this pt kept asking me what happened time after time, after i got sick of telling him he hit the back of his head, i got creative. He still continued to ask the same question again, and... again. lol


----------



## Martyn

Two-Timer said:


> Partner is about to give adenosine to patient with SVT.
> Just before he pushes it he says, "If you see the light, don't go towards it!" Ten seconds later with, no rhythm, he reflects, "S#*t! He went for it."
> A few seconds after that - normal sinus and a pulse.


 
:rofl::rofl: OK, now that was just TOO funny


----------



## KyleG

This is from my class, not as funny as a real life one but kinda good.

So were running Sim's and me and my partner walk in, he starts to assess and is just screwing it up. 

I go to interview the "boyfreind" of a female patient who is "altered"

Here is the convo (also the pretend boyfreinds is a good friend of mine) 

Me: So she is having abdominal pain
BF:Yup
Meid she tell you anything she felt 
BF: She just felt the pain
Me:Any Allergies
BF: Reason 

We all started laughing so hard, I almost couldn't finish the Sim.


----------



## Lt.Col.Warren

I had funny one in class too. We were running trauma scenerios. The scenerio was that we responded to a MVA with a Semi v a sedan. Our pt was the passenger and the driver was DOA with the semi on him. As we start treating our pt, our instructor (who is acting as the voice of the pt) says, "What about my husband!? Who is helping my husband." I replied, "Ma'am, just stay calm, our truck is here for you and we have a whole nother truck on your husband." Insructor just gave me this look and disbelief and then we all started laughing.


----------



## Martyn

Whilst transporting a Baker Act pt who wanted to get up from the stretcher to have a smoke, he asked why he couldn't light one up. I said to him 'Sorry but my hands are tied', I looked up from the paperwork, realised he still had soft restraints on his wrists and said to him 'Oh, so are yours' :blink:


----------



## Bullets

Me: Sir, any allergies?

Pt: Sulfa, PCN, and my Wife

Wife:  (from the kitchen) IF YOU WERENT ALREADY GOING TO THE HOSPITAL ID PUT YOUR THERE!


----------



## LuvGlock

Me: What's going on today, sir?

Him: I have abdominal pain.

Me: How long has that been going on?

Him: About 8 years.


----------



## MedicPatriot

It was a lift assist only (because we are nice and sometimes cancel the fire engines to help old people off the floor)

Lady fell off the toilet and there was a perfectly round ball of feces on the floor. My driver says (without thinking) "please tell me thats a chocolate ball"



Another good one from a nursing home:
CNA: He's very lethargic
EMT: [feels for pulse] actually he's dead


----------



## Trose34

*Whos FROM TEXAS EMT-CLASS*

TEXAS Just EMSin


----------



## imadriver

Had a patient with chest pain. Real calm, obviously in a lot of pain though.

Medic: "My partner (me) is going to start an IV for me while I get some medicine ready."

Pt: "oh okay..." then asks both of us generally "So how long did you have to go to school to do this?"

Medic: "I went for a little over a couple years"

Me: (with a needle in my hand and a surprised look) "Wait, I'm suppose to go to school for this!?"


----------



## Fish

On scene for a GSW, I get to the part of the call where I say "Sir, do you have any Allergies?" Pt. "Yeah, to bullets..."


----------



## jediwill

Psych call where when patient is asked if he has any other health problems he replies while starting to pull down his pants "Yeah I got a STD...wanna see my penis?" "Um no sir lets save that for the nurses."


----------



## jediwill

Same patient as above who was being transported cause he threatened to burn his parents house down after taking 500 mg of Seroquel instead of the 300 mg he was prescribed and getting drunk...who informed me en route that he had "Internets Games In His Head" so after getting vitals and history I was getting his demographics n asked for his ssn...hey started with "***...WAITAMINUTE!I CANT TELL U MY SSN!THEY COULD HEAR ME!" "Sir I promise you this ambulance is secure against any outside eavesdropping" "YOU DONT UNDERSTAND THEY ARE IN MY HEAD MAN!"....."Well sir if they are already IN your head then they already KNOW your ssn dont they?"...."Well....yeah....that makes sense...ok its ***-**-****"


----------



## titmouse

^lol they're in my head... I wonder when will get the first person that's crazy intoxicated.


----------



## Steveb

*That*

Medic :That looks like it hurt! Pt.. Not **** Sherlocks what gave it away the blood coming from my head? Medic: NO luck guess


----------



## ATrain

On scene for a guy who was a little tachy, nothing absurd though.  We had him in the truck and come to find out he smoked a little weed and got a little paranoid.  After he'd calmed down a bit, everything checked out, my partner told him, "You don't need an ER, you need a bag of Dorito's and a Mt. Dew."


----------



## Medic535

Me: "So do you want to tell me  exactly how did the snake get into your vagina and why are you trying to feed it green beans?"

Patient: "There's a snake in my cooter and it's trying to eat my heart!!!!!!"


----------



## Medic535

Random College students approaches crew while crew is posting and asks, "Why do they call ya'll paramedics?"

My partner's reply, "It's because we're medics and there are two of us, therefore we're a par-of-medics." 

Student's reply, "Oh I didn't know that...."


----------



## Runinhot

MSDeltaFlt said:


> Ever ask a pseudo-seizure, "Stop moving your arm so I can get a blood pressure", and their arm goes dead calm all the while the rest of their body is still shaking all over?
> 
> That's just fun to watch.



That's awesome!! I usually just ask my partner if we are gonna be using the "BIG" needle? Works every time!!


----------



## adamjh3

I don't know if I posted this yet but...

Mid sixties male, riding a bike, struck by a car. I'm trying to obtain PMH

"Sir, do you have any medical issues?" 

"Yeah, he got hit by a fu**ing car!"


----------



## Runinhot

I had a pt the other day tell me she hadn't had a BM in 2 months. 

My partner says "mamm that's not possible, you would be dead" , not to mention it would be coming out o your mouth".

Pt says, " so that why I have a bad taste in my mouth, and I thought it was because I hadn't brushed my teeth"


----------



## thisgirlisamedic

On scene of an elderly female in distress, pt found nude inside house, my male partner, walks in and right back out, then PD does the same thing the pt looks at me and asks why they left, I reply, well ms. " Jones" they were so turned on by you they couldn't contain themselves, so maybe we need to get u some clothes, where is your robe?  The pt. Actually responded with well that skinny boy that walked in behind u is real cute I could teach him a few things if you know what I mean.  I just about fell out laughing.


----------



## Vetitas86

"Does this look infected?"

'Nuff said.


----------



## Pneumothorax

"stop looking at my d**k"
 "I'm not looking at your d**k"
._____.
Lmaoooo idk why but this cracked me up


----------



## TatuICU

I was a brand new basic and my partner was a 25 yr vet who spent a week picking through body parts at the OKC bombing, so quite a difference between us. 

We respond to an unknown medical, roll up to this house, there's 3 people outside looking very distressed.  We walk in and granny is laying deader than a door nail with her head next to a bowl of oatmeal at the kitchen table.  One of the people from outside walks in and is just beside herself.  So my partner looks her dead in the eye and says, "So, who cooked breakfast?"

Same partner, except this time we're responding to a 30 O6 to the face (suicide)and basically this guys head is quite literally blown off.  He's done it in the bathroom on the toilet and there are little (and big) pieces of brain all over the place.  So the sheriff shows up before my partner can get outside to smoke, walks up to the bathroom and asks my partner, "Is it bad?"  My partner then proceeds to turn around with his finger in his mouth and replies, "Meh, tastes like chicken."


----------



## johnrsemt

Medic 535:   NEVER ask how something got somewhere;  they may tell you;  and worse it may actually make sense


----------



## docmoods

After listening to a patient scream that we were all white and racist for around 20 minutes the only African American doctor in the ER walks in so my partner turns and states, "Hey doc your black!" *FACEPALM*

-Moods h34r:


----------



## Cup of Joe

"Ambulance 1, Fly Car 1"
"Go ahead, Fly Car 1"
"Ambulance 1, would you care to join us for drinks at 7-11?"
"10-4, we'll be there in 5 minutes."

Edit:  WOW!!! My bad...wrong thread.  oops.


----------



## SliceOfLife

Taking elderly lady out of nursing home:

Pt - I think I had you before
Me - Your room does look familiar
Pt - Oh that sounded dirtier than what I said

I turn a crimson shade of red.  My partner turns white.


----------



## KyleG

We called to the local psych hospital for suicidal thoughts call.

So me and my partner split the call I talk to the nurse and the pt seems calm but I'm within ear shot to here for anything. So here's how it goes

Partner asking assessment questions when mid way through I hear

Pt F*** you
Partner what
Pt F*** you
Partner I know you did t just say that to me
Pt oh sorry 

Hahaha it was great, lAter we had to call the cops but still great haha


----------



## adamjh3

Got this one from a patient last night:

Took a seventy-something male to the ER around 2200 for sudden onset of vomiting 5X in 1hr. 

We cruise into his room, my partner is getting info from the nurse, I start going through my assessment, I ask him if he's currently feeling nauseated and he says "yeah, since you walked in the room" 

Took me a second, I just laughed it off because he was altered. 

Then we get to the ER, I open the doors and hop out 
Pt: "Damn, you made it dark outside"
Me: "No one's ever called me sunshine, sir" 

I dunno, the whole thing reminded me of going back and forth in good humor like that with my grandpa.


----------



## Kmuggee

usafmedic45 said:


> LOL That's awesome.  Back when I used to date a coworker of mine, jokes of that sort were all too frequent.



Yeah.. haha
I made that exact same mistake when I was on one of my ride-alongs.
I was going through the pt. assessment very well for being a student and then I accidently let, "What was your last oral intake?" slip. I quickly corrected myself though.
Luckily the patient didn't really notice (she was a dementia pt. from a convalescent home) Instead, she was too busy holding my hand and gazing at my face muttering how pretty I was. Such a sweet lady. ^_^

I definitely could of said worse, especially just being a student!


----------



## jeepdude911

I was on an assault call around Christmas a few years ago. The local Sheriff Deputy cancelled us on scene as my partner and I were bringing the gurney into the house. As we were leaving, I said, under my breath, or so I thought, "season's beatings". When an entire engine crew, the deputy and my partner erupted in laughter, I realized I had actually said it out loud. Talk about embarrassed!


----------



## Underoath87

This one was told to me by my partner from his rookie EMT days.
(While driving through a tropical storm with horizontal rain at night)
IFT medic: "Sir, do you have any medical conditions besides the ones listed here?"
At that moment, the EMT nails a speed bump doing 30-40 mph that he couldn't even see.  The medic actually has his head thrown into the ceiling of the ambulance.

"A BROKEN BACK!!!", screams the elderly patient.


----------



## medicman14

akflightmedic said:


> Nice topic.
> 
> Way too many to list....
> 
> One in particular, had a patient call for chest pains. He was a large man sitting in his armchair not looking well. I asked him if he thought he could stand up, pivot and sit on the stretcher.
> 
> As he leaned forward to stand, he made the most awful face and then collapsed in cardiac arrest.
> 
> I shrugged my shoulders and said "guess thats a no".



Dear Lord,
Forgive me for laughing my a$off at this unfortunate circumstance and bless the one who tells the tale..oh, and AK, thanks for that one !
Sincerely,
Medicman14


----------



## Handsome Robb

Some might not think it's funny but had a hypothermic adolescent male tonight. 

Me: Put these hot packs in your groin
Pt: Why
Me: firstly, your core temp is very low and we need to warm you up. There are big blood vessels right there that will help circulate the heat. Secondly it will keep your junk warm
Pt: Good call!


----------



## chillybreeze

Heck with the core temp......gotta warm the junk up!!!  LOL


----------



## Handsome Robb

chillybreeze said:


> Heck with the core temp......gotta warm the junk up!!!  LOL



Yea, I wasn't going to get into the physiology with a 16 year old haha


----------



## shiroun

unconscious male, patent airway/good bp/good strong regular pulse. 
"Be advised we have a male, breathing, regular pulse, 120/80 BP, with bilateral arm fractures, unconscious, on oxygen. patient is roughly late 60s."

At that point the patient woke up, and screamed,
"I'M 42 YOU :censored::censored::censored::censored:ER."


----------



## shiroun

unconscious male, patent airway/good bp/good strong regular pulse. 
"Be advised we have a male, breathing, regular pulse, 120/80 BP, with bilateral arm fractures, unconscious, on oxygen. patient is roughly late 60s."

At that point the patient woke up, and screamed,
"I'M 42 YOU :censored::censored::censored::censored:ER."


----------



## CANDawg

shiroun said:


> unconscious male, patent airway/good bp/good strong regular pulse.
> "Be advised we have a male, breathing, regular pulse, 120/80 BP, with bilateral arm fractures, unconscious, on oxygen. patient is roughly late 60s."
> 
> At that point the patient woke up, and screamed,
> "I'M 42 YOU :censored::censored::censored::censored:ER."



That's when you do a quick recovery and say you were just giving a bit more detail on his pulse.


----------



## shiroun

dbo789 said:


> That's when you do a quick recovery and say you were just giving a bit more detail on his pulse.



Not worth it. He (about 20 seconds later) tried to convince me to try and reduce his fractured left arm. I told him good luck.

He moved his right arm and was like "OH."

Speaking of mildly funny stuff, my mom called me yesterday from the airport, where a diabetic went into shock and my mom said she thought the woman coded.

I was like,

"What makes you think that she coded?"

"Well her heart stopped..."

"Oh."


----------



## shiroun

shiroun said:


> Not worth it. He (about 20 seconds later) tried to convince me to try and reduce his fractured left arm. I told him good luck.
> 
> He moved his right arm and was like "OH."




WHOOPS.

Redo:

He tried to convince me to reduce it, then said he'd do it himself. THEN I told him good luck.


----------



## crispy91

I don't have too many of these yet. But my dad was a cop for a while, and he has a few good ones:

Dad: Ma'am, do you know how fast you were going?

Speeder (going 85 in a 45): I suppose you're just going to give me a ticket?

Dad: It's a possibility.

Speeder: What, do you have a quota you have to meet?

Dad: Yes ma'am. Two more tickets this month, and I win a free toaster.


----------



## taylor24

I'm a former preemie (born at 24 weeks gestation) and had my share of health issues when I was younger. I'm also the daughter of a former police officer. For the past 5 years, I've been a volunteer civilian role player for our local police and medical personnel. 

Needless to say, I've done, seen, and heard a lot of really interesting things depending on the scenario. :lol:

One of my absolute favorites was this:
Me: (various "severely injured victim in serious pain" sounds)
Paramedic #1: "It's all right, we've got you. We're going to take good care of you. On a scale of 1 to 10, what would you rate your pain?"
Me: (I've heard that question so many times; I kind of hate it! I'm quiet for a few seconds, trying not to laugh, and trying to think of an answer that's relevant to my "injuries".)
Paramedic #2: (smiles slightly) "1 being, 'I'm perfectly fine, not in any pain at all, what am I even doing here?' and 10 being, *'I'm being mauled by a bear, a tree fell on my head, I think I might see Jesus coming for me, and HOLY $#@&% I'M IN PAIN!'"*
Me: :huh::rofl:

PRICELESS!! I just might have to find a way to use that the next time I end up in the hospital!


----------



## Gray970

Alexakat said:


> I like when new EMTs are getting a blood sugar & they say "You're gonna feel a little pr!ck"
> LOL!



That's sooo funny.  I've said that to all my patients so far!  Now I'm gonna have to say it just too laugh!


----------



## SSwain

Pt was literally fall down drunk.
We get on scene, pt is covered with vomit, laying down on the steps in front of his house.
Me: Sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?
Pt: Not sure....I quit counting after 6, and the shots don't count do they? 
Me: Shots count.
Pt: Still not sure.... prolly closer to 12 or 20. But I threw up about 10 of them.
At this point he vomits again

My partner: Make that 2 more. He keeps this up he'll be sober and dancing up the steps.

PT's wife: Then you'd take him to the ER with a broken neck. I'm sick of him pulling this $hit.

(after typing this, it doesn't seem too funny, but at 0300, it was hilarious.


----------



## GaMedic

Call comes out as unknown emergency, female laying prone in her front yard unconscious. SO arrives on scene and advises us that it appears to be some kind of diabetic emergency. AOS to find a female in her 40's laying left lateral recumbent. SO states she was vomiting so he rolled her on her side. She smells of ETOH and SO deputy states there is an empty bottle of Jim Beam just inside the residence. Get pt up and in the ambulance and she becomes very hyper verbal and starts trying to hit my female partner. We ended up restraining her for her safety and ours. Heres how the conversation played out afterwards.

Pt: You :censored::censored::censored::censored::censored:, you dirty :censored::censored::censored::censored::censored:!! (speaking to my female partner)
Paramedic: Well hunny everybody has to have a hobby...


I about died... :rofl:


----------



## FireHawk918

DISPATCH: Unit 23 respond to (address) for a 6YOM who bumped his head on the dresser.

Unit 23: Copy dispatch, enroute to (address) for a boo boo.


----------



## taylor24

Out of the mouths of babes... I love the brutal honesty of kids!

CERT medical operations practical yesterday. 

5 or 6 y/o girl comes walking up to me. Points to large moulage gash on her forehead. "I have an owie on my head. It hurts!"
Me: "How does it feel? Is it a big hurt or a little hurt?"
Girl: *squints her eyes and gives me this look like 'Why do adults ask such obvious questions?'* "It feels like I have a hole in my head."
Me: :lol: "Okay, fair enough! Good answer! Why don't you come over here with me, and I'll fix it for you."


----------



## nemedic

The call was a LOLFDGB in an apartment complex that is entirely elderly populated. I am un-hooking the pieces of the scoop, with a FF getting vitals. 

LOL: did you guys have to leave the trucks running/use the sirens all the way here/walk so loud? My neighbors will get woken up. 
FF: do your neighbors like you?
LOL: WTF?
FF: If your neighbors like you, they'll get over it. If they don't, then screw 'em. 
LOL: I never heard it explained that way before. 

Mind you, this was a fairly frequent flier that we knew would get a kick out of it


----------



## wannabeHFD

I had a guy who claimed to have a seizure at a Jack in the crack but was just out of his mind. He had a butter knife in his back pocket that my partner took out right as I got there. He starts yelling And cussing telling us not to steal from him. Then He made this threat to her

" I will buy you ice cubes in hell, make you watch them evaporate And laugh in your face!"


----------



## Vladamir von bone

Religious 5150 call to psych hospital 

Pt: do you know the Ten Commandments boy
Me: yes mam commandment number 1 thou shall get thy :censored: on this gurney rite now


----------



## MadMedic

*Lift assist at 0130*

ME: how long have you been on the floor
PT: 4 or so hours
ME: would you like us to put you to bed or in your chair
PT: to bed
ME: OK, but before we do, have you had anything to drink lately?
PT: Hell No!  I don't drink!

Due to the hour, my partner and I looked at each other for a sec, then started to laugh.  The other guys over hearing this, were already laughing.


----------



## BassoonEMT

State Trooper and Heroin using pt on College Campus

ST: Where do you keep your drugs?
PT: Nahh man, I don't do that stuff.
ST: Ok, but hypothetically, if you were to do drugs, where would you keep them?
PT: Oh, probably over in [location].
ST: Ok, ok.  And where do you get the drugs from?
PT: What? Nahh, I don't do drugs, I don't buy stuff nahh.
ST: Well, but hypothetically if you did drugs, you would have to get them from somewhere.  So hypothetically, where would that be?
PT: Oh, well, hypothetically I'd probably buy them from [person]


The "hypothetical" gets them every time...


----------



## Refino827

Not really a one liner type situation but pretty much we were called to a party a cop had just busted up. Found an ETOH F about 16 or 17 laying prone on the cement after one of her friends had dropped her in an attempt to escape. She was completely out of it, I recall we asked her 'What planet are you currently on' a few moments of silence went by and she looked at us very confused and her reply was 'F**K you nigga'. 

it was quite a fun ride to the hospital as she deluded that I was her boyfriend. So in between trying to assault me, she would just hysterically cry and say 'Babe please get me out of here' or again say 'F*** you nigga'.


----------



## Vladamir von bone

Responding a rather large women unconscious with difficulty breathing as a ride along

Female medic: ok she has a gag reflex go to the NP
Me: which one mam? 
Female medic: whip out the biggest one lube it up and just ram it in 
Me: I'm sorry this is my first time I've never done this before 
The captain was trying his hardest not to burst out laughing: it's ok son we've all been there


----------



## hogwiley

This wasnt to a patient. But another EMT was whining about how long and expensive Paramedic school was, so I told him maybe you can find someone who offers an EMT to Paramedic Bridge course.


----------



## CFal

In class a (good looking) female student was assessing me and I said "remember to check for priapism"


----------



## Phishbohn

I told one she could keep her emesis bag as a parting gift, thanks for playing. 

My partner called someone who had parked in the ambulance bay a jackass. My pt, a pregnant woman >20wks said "he's not talking about my husband is he!?" (with some concern about his rudeness), I say no he's talking about another jackass, and she broke out laughing.

Well it was funny to me...


----------



## oneangryfilm

I had a first-on-scene where a nursing home patient fell out of a wheelchair. When a nurse asked how he fell, the medic simply replied, "I think it was by gravity."


----------



## bryanpearl

MMiz said:


> During one of my first calls I once told a patient to "Elevate it above your head" for a nosebleed.  Yeah, I never lived that one down.



I just have to say.. Good lord you have a lot of posts! Haha


----------



## JPINFV

bryanpearl said:


> I just have to say.. Good lord you have a lot of posts! Haha




That's because he cheated...


----------



## medic417

bryanpearl said:


> I just have to say.. Good lord you have a lot of posts! Haha





JPINFV said:


> That's because he cheated...



As I owner I can make my post count among all my aliases be any amount I want.


----------



## STXmedic

medic417 said:


> As I owner I can make my post count among all my aliases be any amount I want.



:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


----------



## medic417

PoeticInjustice said:


> :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:



Yes it is fun to be in power.  Heck I get bored some times and send some of my aliases on involuntary vacations.


----------



## Achilles

medic417 said:


> Yes it is fun to be in power.  Heck I get bored some times and send some of my aliases on involuntary vacations.



So I guess the 18,750 users on this site are all you. And they're really only nine people that come on this site?


----------



## medic417

Achilles said:


> So I guess the 18,750 users on this site are all you. And they're really only nine people that come on this site?



No, No most are real.  But my various personalitys do show up in many personas.


----------



## bryanpearl

medic417 said:


> No, No most are real.  But my various personalitys do show up in many personas.



They're coming to take me away, haha!


----------



## Achilles

medic417 said:


> No, No most are real.  But my various personalitys do show up in many personas.



The incorrect spelling of "personalities" leads me to believe that your aren't MMIZ


----------



## medic417

Achilles said:


> The incorrect spelling of "personalities" leads me to believe that your aren't MMIZ



Our is it a clever guise to throw you off?:unsure:


----------



## Jon

Alrighty.

Can we get back on track, and away from who is, or is not, impersonating (or being impersonated) by a Community Leader?


Me vs. College Student:
Me:
How many beers have you had tonight.
CS:
Not that many.
Me:
How many is that?
CS:
Well, not that much.
Me:
You're in college now. Surely you can do basic math. One beer plus one beer plus however many beers you had is?


----------



## d0nk3yk0n9

Jon said:


> Me vs. College Student:
> Me:
> How many beers have you had tonight.
> CS:
> Not that many.
> Me:
> How many is that?
> CS:
> Well, not that much.
> Me:
> You're in college now. Surely you can do basic math. One beer plus one beer plus however many beers you had is?



My favorite one of those was when we were working standby at a major outdoor concert and were checking on drunk students to make sure they weren't so drunk we needed to actually do something about it.

College Student: *Barfs on floor*
Crew Chief: Have you been drinking today? *Looks at puddle of beer-vomit on ground*
CS: No. Well, I've had water.
CC: *Looks pointedly at puddle again* Let me rephrase the question. How much alcohol have you had today?
CS: A little too much, I guess, but I feel better now that I puked.
CC: Have a nice day.


----------



## 9D4

CFal said:


> In class a (good looking) female student was assessing me and I said "remember to check for priapism"


Haha, I saw someone with the license plate "priapsm," a few days ago while I was driving around with my girlfriend. I started laughing pretty hard, she looked at it and asked "what's so funny? I don't get it." 
I didn't feel like explaining it, so I didn't say anything and she went on to google it. She said "how can you think something like that is funny?" 
I said "it's not... It's :censored: hilarious."
Well, maybe not, but at the time it was. :blush:


----------



## MIT

Male Pt with chest pain: Will I get cuter nurses at hospital? 

Female partner: No but you just helped me clarify the gauge of needle I'm going to stick in you *pulls out 16G*


----------



## TheLocalMedic

My partner to a little old lady...

Places a cannula on her and then gives her the other end of it.  "If you start feeling short of breath just blow in the end of this to give yourself some more air."


----------



## EpiEMS

Jon said:


> Me vs. College Student:
> Me:
> How many beers have you had tonight.
> CS:
> Not that many.
> Me:
> How many is that?
> CS:
> Well, not that much.
> Me:
> You're in college now. Surely you can do basic math. One beer plus one beer plus however many beers you had is?



The answer is always 2 

Also, asking most college students to do basic math is probably asking a little too much (no joke -- the amount of people to whom I've explained the order of operations is too high).


----------



## Medic One

Not something a patient did or said but what a family member did. 

Working a patient up with my partner in back and told wife to sit up front.  I start driving to the ER and didn't pay to much attention to what the wife was doing until I hear psssst... I look over and she's opening my soda and eating my lunch. I very expletively said are you nuts... She said I'm paying for the ride, I'm hungry and saw the cooler so I'm eating it. I lost it on her, pulled over and told her to get out. She refused. I got out and yanked her out. The cops that were following us to the Er stopped got out and asked whats going on... Next thing I know she's in cuffs charged with disorderly conduct and some other bogus charges. 
Although I laughed all the way to the ER I was po'ed because I was hungry, it was a good sandwich and MT Dew. 
Never mess with a medics dew.
Come to find out they were on Medicaid (state welfare)... So I was paying for her husbands ride.


----------



## MrJones

Medic One said:


> Not something a patient did or said but what a family member did.
> 
> Working a patient up with my partner in back and told wife to sit up front.  I start driving to the ER and didn't pay to much attention to what the wife was doing until I hear psssst... I look over and she's opening my soda and eating my lunch. I very expletively said are you nuts... She said I'm paying for the ride, I'm hungry and saw the cooler so I'm eating it. I lost it on her, pulled over and told her to get out. She refused. I got out and yanked her out. The cops that were following us to the Er stopped got out and asked whats going on... Next thing I know she's in cuffs charged with disorderly conduct and some other bogus charges.
> Although I laughed all the way to the ER I was po'ed because I was hungry, it was a good sandwich and MT Dew.
> Never mess with a medics dew.
> Come to find out they were on Medicaid (state welfare)... So I was paying for her husbands ride.



Yeah. I'd be proud to recount that story too.

Or not.

<_<


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## YYCmedic

Pt: I... can't...  breathe!!!!!!!
Me: You see this!? (pointing to SPO2 %100) It tends to disagree with your  "breathing" theory! Now slow your breathing down before you pass out again. (hands out SL ativan)


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## Mariemt

Patient "I'm hungry,  do you think you can go through a drive thru or something? "


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## VA Transport EMT

Discharge from hospital full of spaniards, midnight, I walk into the room glancing in the hallway at my partner because  she said something stupid and I walk in "Hola senorita,". Imhad fun trying to explain that I don't speak spanish.

Situational awareness people.


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## captinfocker

Regular transfer

Her: can we stop by the liquor store on the way to dialysis
Me:we stopped on the way over we got you covered!


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## martor

captinfocker said:


> Regular transfer
> 
> Her: can we stop by the liquor store on the way to dialysis
> Me:we stopped on the way over we got you covered!



What? I am confused.:wacko:


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## nemedic

martor said:


> What? I am confused.:wacko:



It means thy stopped at the liquor store before they picked up the patient.


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## martor

nemedic said:


> It means thy stopped at the liquor store before they picked up the patient.



Ok thanks. A period probably would have helped.


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## cointosser13

Not sure if it's funny, or you just had to be their to understand the circumstance.

pt: wait, you're gonna stick me with a needle?
medic: yup, we're gonna need to.
pt: I hate sticks
medic:... I love sticks... that's the only reason I wanted to get hired at the firehouse, to play around with sticks......

Patient didn't get the joke, he must of been so out of it.


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## TheLocalMedic

Brought a homeless guy in the other day.  Everything was cool like Fonzie until we dropped him off in the ED and he started yelling that we stole a hundred bucks from his wallet...  Sigh...


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## hogdweeb

just recently, transporting a patient who was 69 yr old, partner looks at her "Thats a good number". get to ER, patient was complaining cause she was only in a night gown and the dr says to her "Dont worry, anything we havent seen yet, we'll shoot it".


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## SkyRider

We got a call of an auto/ped on the freeway.  The pt had run from the police onto the freeway, been thrown off several cars and then run over by a big rig.  We got there and the pt was pretty mangled, but his head had been run over by the big rig tire and exploded.
I asked the captain of the FD what he needed and he said he just wanted me to confirm the pt was DOA.  I told the Captain, the guy had no head, of course he was dead, the Captain said he just needed confirmation for his paperwork.
I got out the monitor paddles, put them on the pts chest and shook the paddles.  The captain, looking at the monitor, not me, turned six shades of white and said "Holy ...., he's still alive, now what do we do?"
My partner almost needed resuscitation after that.  The Captain didn't talk to me for weeks after that


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## TheLocalMedic

SkyRider said:


> We got a call of an auto/ped on the freeway.  The pt had run from the police onto the freeway, been thrown off several cars and then run over by a big rig.  We got there and the pt was pretty mangled, but his head had been run over by the big rig tire and exploded.
> I asked the captain of the FD what he needed and he said he just wanted me to confirm the pt was DOA.  I told the Captain, the guy had no head, of course he was dead, the Captain said he just needed confirmation for his paperwork.
> I got out the monitor paddles, put them on the pts chest and shook the paddles.  The captain, looking at the monitor, not me, turned six shades of white and said "Holy ...., he's still alive, now what do we do?"
> My partner almost needed resuscitation after that.  The Captain didn't talk to me for weeks after that



Tapping the RA lead is also fun.  Try it next time you're trying to pick up a patient from a tele unit and you can't find their nurse.


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## jefftherealmccoy

Not EMS related, but still so damn funny...

Responded to a power pole on fire.  Excited cop on scene runs up to us and asks, "what can I do for you guys?"  Almost jumping out of his skin with excitment.  My driver responds, "Nothing, unless you got some doughnuts in your car."  The cop quickly lost his enthusiasm.


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## medicrd

Hilarious!


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## chillybreeze

:rofl:





jefftherealmccoy said:


> Not EMS related, but still so damn funny...
> 
> Responded to a power pole on fire.  Excited cop on scene runs up to us and asks, "what can I do for you guys?"  Almost jumping out of his skin with excitment.  My driver responds, "Nothing, unless you got some doughnuts in your car."  The cop quickly lost his enthusiasm.


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## IslandTime

jmc519 said:


> I responded to a driver needed call from our local ambulance service a couple months ago, to a bar that's just a couple blocks from my house. The medic on the call was the instructor of my EMT-B class, which I was still in at that time. He had the patient, who was obviously ETOH, sitting on the cot, and told him "If you feel the need to vomit, just aim for my partner."



During our FF academy we were trained that if the patient starts to vomit we were roll them towards the paramedic. I guess it's all a matter of perspective.


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## 9D4

IslandTime said:


> During our FF academy we were trained that if the patient starts to vomit we were roll them towards the paramedic. I guess it's all a matter of perspective.


It may be different when that medic is your teacher :lol:


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## CPRinProgress

I took a motorcycle rider to the hospital.  When we were Backboarding he said he needed to pee and then said he would give us 100 dollars to stop at a Dublin doughnuts and unbackboard him so he could go.  Then at the hospital, the nurse asked what happened he said "someone cut me off, my bike came out from under me and I saw pavement, sky, pavement, sky, grass, sky."


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## Rockies

MMiz said:


> During one of my first calls I once told a patient to "Elevate it above your head" for a nosebleed.  Yeah, I never lived that one down.



Love it!


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## shyandroid

I'll share a story during a simulated MCI during EMT class.

Our instructors had a habit of posing as gunman who enter simulated scene and shoot indiscriminately at our engine companies.  We grew fond of this and always requested PDs presence & staged until they "claimed" the scene was safe.

It was not.

Picture 3 engine companies - I'm currently working a trauma pt. when one of our proctors starting shooting away - me and my buddy from another engine company tacked him to wrestle the gun out of his hands.  He got shot in the process (my buddy) - along with 3 others.

They stopped simulating gunmen after that...


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## unleashedfury

My first one was a call from about ten years ago. We cover a portion of the interstate and it was backed up for a MCI that occurred earlier that day. We got called back up there for a fall victim. The story goes as the guy really needed to go pee. and assumed that along the side of the road was only a barrier, where it was actually a bridge. Needless to say he hopped the barrier/bridge and fell about 30 feet down. Upon arrival he was CAO so we yelled down to him 

Pt. Tells his story 

My partner responds. "well I bet you S*** your pants on the way down huh? 

A second one was a choking victim that coded. We arrived at the ED and the doc tells my medic partner he needs the pieces she was choking on to be sent to pathology to make sure it really was chicken. 

Without skipping a beat, Well it looked like chicken, smelled like chicken.. And it sure as hell tasted like chicken.


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## SSwain

Responded to a domestic... husband beat up his wife.
She is a bloody mess, I start assessing her (ETOH) and she flat out starts hitting on me. "Oooh...aren't you handsome." "I know you from somewhere..."
" I think I need mouth-to-mouth"... My medic is just barely containing his laughter, but loses it when the PT grabs my shirt and tries to pull me closer while she is puckering up. Keep in mind, she is adrunken bloody mess at this point.


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## Pkreilley

Called out to an OD around 0300. Pt. is on the floor, bouncing and unable to speak. Friends report "taking acid." Pt. was unable to communicate, but looked hilarious bouncing up and down and moving arms sporadically. Get to the hospital and the nurse asks whats wrong. I looked at her, at the pt., back at her and said "She just wants to dance!":rofl:


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## MedicPam

IslandTime said:


> During our FF academy we were trained that if the patient starts to vomit we were roll them towards the paramedic. I guess it's all a matter of perspective.


ROLF I KNEW IT...our FFs here swear it's not true but they instinctually roll them my way every time!


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## wanderingmedic

Redacted.


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## Handsome Robb

MedicPam said:


> ROLF I KNEW IT...our FFs here swear it's not true but they instinctually roll them my way every time!



That's why I sit in the airway chair.


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## okiemedic

I was taking a patient back to her room from ultrasound once... it was late in the day. I tend to have selective hearing... she asked me... so what's the verdict, do I have cancer.....I nonchalantly said...... Yup...... she was like OMG!!......i quickly realized what she said and back tracked.... said no..... then realized that was wrong cause she might..... then told her her doctor only knows that......

I learned that day to always listen to what patients are saying....


----------



## Rick Tresnak

After putting a 450 lb patient into the back of the bus, my partner looks at the patient and says "I have two words for you...Jenny Craig!"   I about died right there.


----------



## Handsome Robb

Rick Tresnak said:


> After putting a 450 lb patient into the back of the bus, my partner looks at the patient and says "I have two words for you...Jenny Craig!"   I about died right there.



I'd have had some serious words with my partner after that call. 

We're not here to judge or make rude comments.

I'd be lying if I said jokes like this weren't made between myself and my partner in the privacy of the rig but never, ever to a patient's face.


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## PeterTheGreat

So, I finally got one of these the other day

I work for a private out of Chicago, so we don't do much other than patient transport. We were taking someone out of Critical Care, a homeless woman with a history of ETOH abuse. I'm doing the paperwork, partner's checking out the patient with the nurse. 

When he comes out, he gives me the necessary stats (v/ts, A&O, etc.). After all that, I ask him "Can she walk," since we need to know both for ourselves and the report. Before he gets a chance to answer, I chime back in.

"History of falls?"




Oh, and that same day, I asked a nurse if another patient was STILL schizophrenic >.<


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## DesertMedic66

On the back half of a very busy 24 hour shift we get woken up early in the morning for a lady with chest pain at a dialysis center. The notes in the CAD system tell us the patient is a bilateral BKA along with other medical history. 

After I get done assessing the patient my EMT and medic partners ask the patient if she is able to walk to our gurney. I give them a death stare and say BKA but it wasn't clicking in their heads at the time. Luckily the patient was very understanding and said "I haven't been able to walk for several years now".


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## OnceAnEMT

DesertEMT66 said:


> On the back half of a very busy 24 hour shift we get woken up early in the morning for a lady with chest pain at a dialysis center. The notes in the CAD system tell us the patient is a bilateral BKA along with other medical history.
> 
> After I get done assessing the patient my EMT and medic partners ask the patient if she is able to walk to our gurney. I give them a death stare and say BKA but it wasn't clicking in their heads at the time. Luckily the patient was very understanding and said "I haven't been able to walk for several years now".



Reminds me of times of trying to inform nurses of patients being SI. Naturally we have different protocols for patient management if they are SI versus not, so it can be a game of acronyms and nudges until the attending nurse "gets it".


----------



## J B

Trying to convince a violent geri psych to come to the hospital with us.  She's not having any of it.

Partner: "You have two options, and both of them involve going to the hospital: either you can hop on the stretcher and come politely, or we can tie you to the stretcher." 
Patient: "Hah!  That'll be the day"
Partner fires back without thinking first:  "I'm sorry but I think it might be that day..."

I guess maybe you had to be there, but I thought it was pretty hilarious.


----------



## Mtnmedic

Back in the late 80s during a medical call I assisted on, I overheard an EMT-3, who assessed and listened to a guy who attempted to cut his wrists again in a failed suicide attempt tell him that he whenever he gets upset he does that and has been attempting since leaving NY, with attempts in Pennsylvania, DC, Florida, Colorado, California (his girlfriend interjected "Don't forget Nevada"), etc.   Looking at the guy's wrists, the medic, without missing a beat, asked "Have you tried Iowa?"


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## RedAirplane

(Even newer than the newbie I am today, frantically collecting a history from the chest pain patient).

"Sorry, which organ was it you said you had problems with? Liver or kidney?"


----------



## ERDoc

I had a partner who was talking to a pt that had just finished dialysis and we were transporting home who ask the pt, "So, do you feel clean now?"


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## JustaDriver

This one time while loading a 300 lb woman for CP and with a history of CHF and Cardiac arrest; patient asked "So is their any way we can stop by Mcdonalds?". My parter mumbles "Someone wants another heart attack", i laughed, she didn't. Still cracks me up till this day! haha


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## Imacho

When moving a pt from gunnery to bed......... "Would you like us to help you move across, or can you do in your own? We do charge per pound."


----------



## RebelAngel

THIS IS SO FUNNY! 



MMiz said:


> During one of my first calls I once told a patient to "Elevate it above your head" for a nosebleed.  Yeah, I never lived that one down.


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## WTEngel

This one isn't regarding a patient, but it was during the intubation of a patient...so it counts.

A difficulty breathing comes into the ER and the resident steps up to get the intubation. He is having a difficult time getting the view and steps out. Attending says one of us from the flight crew can step up if we like (we were based in the ER.) You don't have to ask me twice, I am at the head before the attending can finish his sentence.

I position myself and am getting my view, and this resident is in my ear and just keeps repeating "he is really anterior, so watch out...his airway is just so anterior, make sure you get a good view, because his airway is so anterior..." and just keeps going on about how anterior this persons trachea is. At this point I am not sure if he is trying to save face or just trolling me.

I get a view and complete the intubation. Not a big deal, the resident is a PGY-1 and doesn't have a ton of experience, so it isn't the worst thing in the world for him to step aside. Happens all the time.

I secure the tube and he comes up to me and says, "How did you get that tube, I mean the guy was so anterior." At this point I am thinking, please say "anterior" one more time....

I look at him and say, "Every airway I have ever seen is anterior. That is where the trachea lives, right there in front of the esophagus. If the trachea is ever NOT anterior, you either have the patient prone, or need to get a second opinion urgently..."

The attending overhears this and says, "He [me] brings up a valid point. Lets see if we can find you an airway head to take home for the day."


----------



## Jacob Horrell

Jaybro713 said:


> Today I ran a code in the freezing cold.  Pt found by neighbors outside unresponsive.  We quickly moved the pt to the back of the truck and I was doing compressions.  My partner immediately started cutting off the guy's jacket when she made it about a foot up the sleeve she realized it was down-feather jacket.  The entire back of the ambulance filled with feathers.
> 
> The medics arrive a couple minutes later and open the back door.  The first medic walks in and says "who killed the duck?"  I almost fell from laughing so hard.


 Best one by far. Almost broke my keyboard from slamming my fist laughing


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## BeansCO

We were returning a patient to her residence. It's getting close to end of shift. She is a large woman so we have two units with us per company protocol. She has a lift up to her back porch. We all get crammed onto this porch. It's dark and we are tired. She hands my partner her house keys. 

Partner "Which key is it"
Patient "The green one"
Partner "Ma'am it's dark, which of these damn keys opens the door."
Patient "The green key"
So my partner starts trying keys at the door and none are working. 
Partner "I can't find the f***ing green key"

Everyone including the patient breaks down laughing.


----------



## Jondruby

Pt who was having a panic attack asked a guy in my unit if he was having a heart attack. Our guys says, "Well, thats not out of the realm of possibility." Didnt help the panic attack. He wasn't having a heart attack.


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## DesertMedic66

I made a statement to a 7 month old patient after a 911 call for seizures "well I guess you won't be able to sign my paperwork". My EMT said "did you really just say that?"

I have started creating a lit of things said by patients, EMS, Fire, PD, and by the hospital staff. Sadly there is very little of that list I can share here haha


----------



## Gurby

Nurse goes to place foley catheter in comatose-at-baseline patient, discovers he is very well endowed:  "what a waste".


----------



## Household6

Medic to EMT in the midst of buckling in a trauma patient: "You have adipose on your face.. Wait! I'm not saying you have a fat face or anything, you're not fat.. I mean it's like some got flicked up there."


----------



## Milford34

at the scene of a possible seizure. 
PT stated he felt like he was going to throw up. So we gave him a small bucket
After 15 minutes of him sitting and hugging the bucket
Park Cop 
"So are you going to throw up soon or do you just REALLY like that bucket"


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## j2021

I encountered an elderly woman, in nursing home, on hospice. We were visiting the residents. It was a weekly thing.
She told a hilarious joke to everyone. I couldn't help it, and bursted out laughing. I said, "I'm dying laughing". And the woman gave an unexplainable look to us, and wheeled away to her room.


----------



## Phillyrube

Ive gotten laughs from the other cops and firefighters on the scene when I ask a house full of people if all 5 cars in the driveway are broken, responding to a guy who called for 4 day old knee pain.


----------



## Martyn

Had an incident the other day, employee came to my office and advised he had some of the CLR cleaning fluid splash in his left eye. I instructed him how to flush his eye with an eye bath and saline. After the second treatment he looked at the bottle next to him and asked what it was. As I picked the bottle up I put on a horrified expression and exclaimed 'OH F***!', he jumped off my examination table with a look of abject horror. 'What is it? What have you put in my eye?'. I turned the bottle over and calmly said 'Oh this...it's only saline'. His supervisor cracked up laughing and the employee took it real well and said, 'OK, you got me REAL good on that one, but you did get me worried'. He was still laughing about it the next day when I did a follow up exam.


----------



## Martyn

medicp94dao said:


> listening to breath sounds on 16 yo F c/o sob.
> 
> me: ok gonna listen to your lungs i need you to take as deep a breath as you can.  ( she inhales )
> 
> 16 y/o F : that makes my boobs look bigger
> 
> me: bright red and speechless.



Reminds me of a joke...16 y/o F with a lisp, doctor listens to her chest and says, 'Big Breaths' and she turns round and says 'Yeth, and I'm only sixthteen'.


----------



## jwSWAT210

Certainly not a funny one...but I had a partner who had NO social skills.  We were coding 50 something y/o WM in front of his wife.  he was working compressions...and all of the sudden..."crack".   ANd he cant help himself but say "oh yeah...that was a GOOOOOOD one" in a rather proud jovial voice...rather proud that he had just cracked a rib.  Wife...not ammused.


----------



## Fezman92

First FTO day, we get called to an urgent care for cardiac issues. We get ready to transport. My FTO notices that they did an EKG. He tells the PT “I’m no expert in reading these but everything looks steady”
Me: “yeah none of the lines are flat”
FTO: looks at me “time and a place dude”


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## NomadicMedic

Me: (walking into house)  “hi, what’s going on?”
pt: looking like he’s having an MI) “I feel like $#17”
me: “well, you look like $#17, how ’bout we skip the small talk and get you to the hospital.”

guy was rocking a big STEMI. Got him to the cath lab in Savannah and he got a few stents. He brought a bottle of scotch the station for me a few weeks later. Good guy.


----------



## ffemt8978

NomadicMedic said:


> Me: (walking into house)  “hi, what’s going on?”
> pt: looking like he’s having an MI) “I feel like $#17”
> me: “well, you look like $#17, how ’bout we skip the small talk and get you to the hospital.”
> 
> guy was rocking a big STEMI. Got him to the cath lab in Savannah and he got a few stents. He brought a bottle of scotch the station for me a few weeks later. Good guy.


So "Sick - Not Sick" worked?


----------



## NomadicMedic

ffemt8978 said:


> So "Sick - Not Sick" worked?



he was “cardiac gray”. I tell all my EMT student, you’ll know it when you see it. He was decidedly sick. 

I remember that call like it was yesterday too. Thinking, this guy is gonna code on the way. I had defib pads on him, an EPI preload sitting in the bench next to me and the airway bag within easy reach. Nothin’ happened.

getting all my stuff ready warded off evil spirits.


----------



## pregnancywhine

jordanfstop said:


> Said by one of the medics regarding a patient who frequently calls us asking for albuterol treatment and then refuses transport.
> 
> "The quicker you sign this piece of paper, the quicker I can get back to sleep."


I had a hard time laughing at this one. I'm dying!


----------



## Emily Starton

It really made my day.


----------



## Combatdoc

Riding with a fairly senior EMT, I responded with an ALS intercept truck (all volunteer BLS Rigs) to a nursing home in rural New York. While I was receiving report from the RN at the scene, I hear my partner yell at the top of her lungs "Oh my God, she's "crowning"! Well, the RN looked at me and I at her and said "Isn't she in her nineties?" The RN nodded and we bothered ran into the room. Turns out  the abdominal pain was due to here prolapse uterus... You can probably imagine the discussion about the "birds and the bees" that ensued encountered to the hospital. I was laughing so hard I cried!


----------



## OG EMT

Here in SoCal we have a fairly large number of elderly ladies originally from New York. Many of them with obvious Brooklyn accents. When transporting them between facilities I would get my first set of vitals and make sure they were comfortable. I would then say "I hear an accent in your voice. Are you from the south?" Every one of them would look at me like I was nuts, and then tell me what neighborhood they were from in Brooklyn. It still makes me laugh to think of it.


----------



## johnrsemt

Cardiac grey is not a pretty color on anyone,  I got to look at it for 130 miles a few weeks ago:  (weather was too bad to fly the patient).

He died 10 minutes after getting him to the hospital, so I did my job.


----------



## HardKnocks

Combatdoc said:


> Riding with a fairly senior EMT, I responded with an ALS intercept truck (all volunteer BLS Rigs) to a nursing home in rural New York. While I was receiving report from the RN at the scene, I hear my partner yell at the top of her lungs "Oh my God, she's "crowning"! Well, the RN looked at me and I at her and said "Isn't she in her nineties?" The RN nodded and we bothered ran into the room. Turns out  the abdominal pain was due to here prolapse uterus... You can probably imagine the discussion about the "birds and the bees" that ensued encountered to the hospital. I was laughing so hard I cried!


I hope a Burger King Paper Crown was left on her seat at the beginning of the next shift......


----------

