# Horrible time....need to chat :(



## EMT20002 (Nov 3, 2011)

Hi everyone,

I know I haven't been on here in a while and I don't even know if this is the right section to post this in.  I just needed someone to talk to and figured who better than my EMS brothers and sisters.  My fiance (also an EMT) of almost 12 years has just left me, mainly over financial stressors that have broken us.  I am a wreck and don't know what to do.  :sad:  We have always had such a rock solid relationship and I am so numb and distraught right now....I am all alone...


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## Anjel (Nov 3, 2011)

Im sorry :-( 

That has to be soo tough.

My advice to you is don't completely emerse yourself in work. I know that can be an easy fix to keep your mind off things. But it wont work, and every call will just build upon your already broken heart.

Time heals all wounds. You'll never forget but it gets easier. Remember you deserve the best and dont settle for anything less. 

If you ever need anything, pm me. Im a great listener.


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## Sasha (Nov 3, 2011)

So sorry for your loss.

Take care of yourself, don't overwork yourself to ignore your personal problems. 

And remember there is no shame in needing the help of a professional in tough times.


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## tssemt2010 (Nov 3, 2011)

sorry to hear about it man, i hate to say this, but maybe its for the best, if a financial situation is tearing yall apart then maybe she just wasnt the one, you will find the right one some day and she will stick by your side through thick and thin, i know it sounds bad but its just something to think about


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## EMT20002 (Nov 3, 2011)

I am 30 years old and I have been with him since I was 18.  I am literally numb and scared to death of being alone.  I love him SO much.  It's like something in him snapped a week ago when we had some money troubles (nothing new) and he hasn't been home in a week.  He has NEVER done anything like this before.  We have never been apart in the almost 12 years we have been together.  I am so scared of being alone, but most of all I love and miss him so much.  He has our only truck, it's like I'm house bond.  He won't return any of my phone calls or text messages.  I'm so lonely and scared...I can't afford this mortgage and other bills all by myself...   :sad:


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## tssemt2010 (Nov 3, 2011)

EMT20002 said:


> I am 30 years old and I have been with him since I was 18.  I am literally numb and scared to death of being alone.  I love him SO much.  It's like something in him snapped a week ago when we had some money troubles (nothing new) and he hasn't been home in a week.  He has NEVER done anything like this before.  We have never been apart in the almost 12 years we have been together.  I am so scared of being alone, but most of all I love and miss him so much.  He has our only truck, it's like I'm house bond.  He won't return any of my phone calls or text messages.  I'm so lonely and scared...I can't afford this mortgage and other bills all by myself...   :sad:



sorry that i assumed you were a man, but something isnt right in this situation, just remember time heals all, it may take ALOT of time, i dont know if you believe in god or not, but if you do let me say this is all part of his plan and while it may not seem right, he will put you with the right person


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## DV_EMT (Nov 3, 2011)

Sorry for your loss,

Our economy is tough and I know that having someone you love leave can just add extra stress on top of preexisting stress which isn't healthy of course. I'd recommend trying to do things that will distract your mind from the negatives, listen to music and "veg" out, go excercise, or try something new. I know its not easy losing someone that you have felt has been there for you, but immersing yourself in more stress wont do any good.

My wife and I are in a similar situation given that we live in an expensive town and often we are struggling with money issues. Keep your chin up and know that you're not alone!

PM me if you need to chat!


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## BrushBunny91 (Nov 4, 2011)

I'm sorry :sad: I can't fathom the amount of emotional pain you must be in but when I'm really upset I just walk for as long as it takes me to exhaust myself. So my only advice is to walk till your heart hurts a little less.


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## EMT20002 (Nov 4, 2011)

I've been on the phone with my long-distance best friend for the past 3 hours straight and she has literally kept me sane.  She's in Michigan and I'm in Maine.  I'm hoping that maybe he'll have a change of heart and come home, but I'm really scared because today was the very first day I didn't hear from him at all.  Not a single phone call or even a text message from him.  That has NEVER happened before.  We always text and call when we're not together, even during this past week we've been apart we've at least been texting some.    He's staying with a friend/coworker right now.   I always thought that we were like the role model couple because for the past almost 12 years we have been together, we have always been by each other's side and have gotten through everything no matter how tough the situation and have always been there for each other.  He is my best friend and I still love him so much.  I just can't turn off almost 12 years of love.  We met through EMS in the summer of 2000.  We actually met online in an EMS chat room as crazy as it sounds and the rest is history.  I had just finished EMT-B school and he was working as an EMT for Boston EMS. I lived with him in Boston for a while and then he finally decided to move back to Maine with me, which is where we've been ever since.   I don't even know what happened to cause this.  We had to take on a new, expensive truck payment this summer, plus we have a decent sized mortgage and of course utility bills and all of those things.  He just totally snapped last week, which he has NEVER done before and hasn't been home for a week now.  This is killing me.  He has our truck, which is under both of our names, so I have no vehicle to get anywhere.  I work from home at least as a medical transcriptionist and I'm a volunteer EMT, but really want to get back into it full-time.  I am so numb right now because this is such a huge shock to me.  I hate sleeping alone and waking up seeing his side of the bed empty.  The entire almost 12 years we have been together, I have never even thought about being with anyone else because I love him so much and wanted to be with him forever, but I guess he doesn't feel that way about me anymore.    The financial stressors just made him snap.  He couldn't take it anymore and has been staying at his friend's house for the past week.  I'm so, so lonely and miss him more than words can describe.


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## DV_EMT (Nov 4, 2011)

So... did it end up as a fight and he just walked out or did he just disappear on his own terns? Being a guy, Sometimes I know that there are times where I just want to take a break from it all and kinda be MIA for a while to get my s**t together so that I can come back totally refreshed and ready to take it all on. Is he a type A or Type B personality... That may clue me into what might be going though his head.

P.S. not trying to psychoanalyze the situation, just trying to gain perspective to help understand what could help aide/resolve the situation.


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## EMT20002 (Nov 4, 2011)

DV_EMT said:


> So... did it end up as a fight and he just walked out or did he just disappear on his own terns? Being a guy, Sometimes I know that there are times where I just want to take a break from it all and kinda be MIA for a while to get my s**t together so that I can come back totally refreshed and ready to take it all on. Is he a type A or Type B personality... That may clue me into what might be going though his head.
> 
> P.S. not trying to psychoanalyze the situation, just trying to gain perspective to help understand what could help aide/resolve the situation.



I really do appreciate the help, especially from a guy who might understand him better!  Honestly, we never even had a fight to trigger him leaving.  One night last week (I think it was last Thursday night), he text messaged me from work (he's a nurse at a psych hospital...very stressful job) and just said "I just wanted to say hi and I love you.  It's crazy here."  I then replied by telling him that I loved him and missed him since he's been working lots of OT lately.  I then casually said "I wish you had this weekend off."  He then replied with "Well, I don't have this weekend off and I'll probably work OT."  I then said something like "I just wish I could spend at least a little time with you.  I miss you so much."  He replied with "Get used to it.  We need a ton of cash."  He then suddenly, totally out of the blue texted "You don't appreciate anything I do" which isn't true at all!  I don't even know where that came from!  Our texting stopped there.  Then, he didn't come home that night.  I got so, so worried.  I tried calling and texting him, but no answer.  He gets out of work at 11:15 at night.  Finally, around 2 a.m., he texted me and said "I'm out having drinks with coworkers.  Be home after.  Just leave me alone..."  Now, this is a guy who NEVER drinks.  I have NEVER seen him drink more than 1 or 2 beers a YEAR in the 12 years we have been together.  He just doesn't like to drink and neither do I, so this was totally out of character for him.  I also worry because he is a type 2 insulin-dependent diabetic and doesn't always eat right, even though he should know better from being a medic and working in healthcare all these years!  He had to work the next day, so I knew this was headed for disaster.  He finally came home around 8:30 in the morning (Friday) and said he was getting his guns to go target shooting with his friends.  He looked ROUGH.  His eyes were glazed over and he just had a blank look on his face and his affect was so flat.  Not like him at all.  He then told me that he would be home between 11 and 11:30 to get ready for work.  He never came home.  He never came home from work that night again either.  He finally ended up coming home around 5 a.m. on Sunday morning.  Before he came home, I texted him and said "Please just come home.  I'm so worried about you and I love you so much."  He then said something like "Why would I want to come home and be even more depressed there.  The house is a mess and I'm sick of always being broke."  He then just showed up at the door, came in, and went to bed.  He got up around noon on Sunday and took a shower to get ready for work.  When he got out of the shower, I casually reminded him that we needed to put the storm windows in for winter and he just lost it.  He said "I don't give a s**t about that!  I'm so sick of living in this pig sty!"  He then shoved everything that was on the kitchen island onto the floor and then picked up the trash can and slammed it on the floor.  He then stormed out the door and left for work.  I was literally in tears.  This was not the guy I know and love.  I just let him go so he could cool off before work.  I was in shock.  Later that evening around 5 p.m., he texted me and said "Just saying hi and I love you", so I took that as a good sign that he was feeling better and back to his normal self.  That night when he got out of work, I called him on his cell and said "Hi, I just wanted to see if you were on your way home" because the weather was getting bad.  He said he just had to get gas, so I said "Okay, see you in a few minutes.  I love you."  He just replied with "Yup."  He ALWAYS says "I love you" before he hangs up...ALWAYS.  Well, he never came home.  I was worried sick.  He has stayed away all of this week too.  He came home on Tuesday and got a bunch of his clothes and things.  He told me that he just needs time and he wouldn't even hug me.  Then, he left.  The very next morning, he called me and sounded 500 times better, just like his normal self!  I told him how much I miss him and love him and want him to come home and he said "I know I'll be home soon.  I just had the best night of sleep I've had in ages and I just need this time."  He even said we would probably buy a second vehicle soon since we currently only have one.  He even came home to see me briefly and he hugged me and told me he loves me.  He told me that he misses being home, but just needs time to get his head on straight.  As he was driving off to go to work, I got kind of choked up because this is so hard for me.  A couple of minutes after he left, he texted me and said "Don't cry.  I love you."  It's now Friday morning and I didn't hear from him ONCE yesterday (Thursday), which is totally out of character for him.  In the 12 years we've been together, he has NEVER left me like this.  If we have ever had a fight, sometimes he would just leave and drive around for an hour or two and come right back and we would make up, but he has been gone for a week now and it's killing me.  I don't know why he didn't contact me at all today and I'm scared to death something is wrong.  I don't know if it's solely our money issues that have caused him to act like this and not come home, or if his diabetes and his blood sugars are WAY out of whack and making him act not himself.   Im dying inside and don't know what to do.  All I want to do is sit down and talk to him, maybe even try counseling, but it's like he's ignoring me now for some reason.  

This whole this is SO out of character for him.  We've had worse financial situations in the past and he's never left like this.  I just don't know what's going on, but I'm terrified to lose him.  I've been with him my entire adult life and love him with all my heart and would do anything for him.


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## DV_EMT (Nov 4, 2011)

Well, Judging by the sound of hot/cold his characteristics has been, it sounds as though hes been bottling up emotional stress and now he's trying to purge his system by just doing the guy thing of going out for drinks and goin shootin and the like. I know that personally, I need some time to take a break from life and its stresors by doing the same thing.... and yes, i can tend to be agitated and moody when stress starts to get to me. Frankly, I'm a type B personallity, I'm pretty easy going about most everything, but there are some days where I go to work and I'm stressed, then I head home and I'm stressed because we have rent and bills to pay, and then my wife usually gets upset at the fact that we don't spend enough time toghether (which is true when you're both working 2 jobs that are 12 hour shifts x4-5days).

My advice (if it is any help) is to give him a little space. Just because he's stressed and is blowing off steam doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, he's probably just trying to recenter himself. He's probably trying to gain composure and probably feels as though hes got the "...if it's not one thing, its the other..." mentality going on. I usually relate it to a tire on a bike; if the tire is out of balance, the whole bike wobbles and eventually you either stop & fix it, or fall off the bike. People are so caught up in life itself that things get out of perspecitve and control. Because of that, work, bills, & honey do's consume our every being, and we feel suffocated with not being able to enjoy life. Make sure that you tell him you love him and care about all the things he does for you. Remember to live life to its fullest! As the great philospher Plato said, " the unexamined life is not worth living"... so make sure you live life, and look at all of the greatnesses of it in spite of the bads.

Hope that helps!


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## Sasha (Nov 4, 2011)

Sorry that sounds ridiculous. Someone who is stressed about money going out and wasting it on alcohol and shooting.

I don't care how stressed he is he has no right to act childish and jerk the op around like that. I'm sure she is stressed too and has problems.

Next time he comes home sit him down and talk to him. Tell him his behavior is unacceptable.

Sent from LuLu using Tapatalk


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## Anjel (Nov 4, 2011)

None of that seems like you guys have broken up. Give it time, an give him space. 

The fact that the last time you talked he said dont worry I love. He probably just let everything gang up on him. 

I cant see him throwing away 12 years for nothing.


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## Anjel (Nov 4, 2011)

Sasha said:


> Sorry that sounds ridiculous. Someone who is stressed about money going out and wasting it on alcohol and shooting.



If that lets him relax, I dont see anything wrong as long as it doesnt become a regular thing. 

He obviously needs a break.


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## mycrofft (Nov 4, 2011)

*Cut your losses.*

After that sort of episode, can you ever trust he has your back? Why doesn't he help clean it up? The reverting to adolescence thing (guns buddies booze) is a very bad sign, I will bet you have been cleaning up his messes and cutting him slack for a long time.

There will inevitably be a period of grieving, but it can be now, or later. Line up your resources and get where it is safe.


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## EMT20002 (Nov 4, 2011)

Thanks so much for the support everyone!   I am just so scared to death of losing him and being alone.  I love him so, so much.   This is SO out of character for him.  We've had money troubles in the past, but he has never acted this way.  I just want him home and am willing to do whatever it takes.


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## Sasha (Nov 4, 2011)

Anjel1030 said:


> If that lets him relax, I dont see anything wrong as long as it doesnt become a regular thing.
> 
> He obviously needs a break.



Running around and shirking the fact you have someone at home who is worried about you, who deserves answers and being talked to not ignored because you're "stressed" is NOT okay.

He needs to be an adult. Life is stressful, what if they had kids together? Is it okay for daddy to go running off and only come home sporadically because he's stressed out?

Find healthy ways to deal with it. And coming home every so often and exploding at your spouse and throwing crap around is NOT a healthy way of dealing with it.

If he has problems with the way the home is kept (calling it a stye) then he needs to chill out, stop contributing to the problem (making a mess by throwing stuff) and TALK ABOUT IT. Maybe HELP OUT CLEANING IT UP.


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## EMT20002 (Nov 4, 2011)

Sasha said:


> Running around and shirking the fact you have someone at home who is worried about you, who deserves answers and being talked to not ignored because you're "stressed" is NOT okay.
> 
> He needs to be an adult. Life is stressful, what if they had kids together? Is it okay for daddy to go running off and only come home sporadically because he's stressed out?
> 
> Find healthy ways to deal with it. And coming home every so often and exploding at your spouse and throwing crap around is NOT a healthy way of dealing with it.




We don't have any kids....just pets...and our 3 dogs miss him SO much, especially our 2-year-old golden retriever who always sleeps curled up right next to him every single night.  I KNOW that he also loves those dogs to death and he just has to miss them.  I know that I should be mad as hell for what he has been doing for the past week because there really is no excuse for it and he is mentally torturing me, and believe me I am furious, but at the same time I love him so much and just want him to come home and sit down together like two mature adults and talk things out and air out every single one of our issues and we also really need to see a counselor.  My parents know of a good counselor who would be willing to see us.  I just have to get him to agree to go...if he ever talks to me again.    Our past 12 years together has been amazing.  Yes, we've had plenty of ups and downs, good times and bad times, but we have ALWAYS gotten through them together and never left each other's side.  We have actually been through a lot worse times than this, which makes me even more confused about the way he's behaving.  He has been so on and off this past week.   One day he'll be so reassurring and tell me that he still loves me and misses me and that he just needs some time and space to get his head on straight and then the next day he'll totally ignore my phone calls and texts and won't talk to me at all.   I just don't know what to do anymore.  I have done everything I can.  I sent him a text message late last night telling him that I love him so much and I am here for him when he is ready to come home and talk.  I told him that I am very proud of him for how hard he works and for everything he does for me (he does do a lot for me), but he never responded.   All I want is my love, my best friend back.  This is killing me inside.  

I need to try and eat something.   I've barely eaten anything in almost a week since this started because I just have totally lost my appetite since my nerves are so shot wondering if/when he's going to finally come home or even at least call me.  I AM SO LONELY!  

I'm so tired of constantly crying and feeling so shaky and scared.   I just wish he would wake up and see what this is doing to me.  I have told him what this is doing to me physically and emotionally, but it's like it's just not sinking in with him.

I know that money and his job have been stressing him out severely lately.  We can never seem to get ahead financially.  He works at a state operated physchiatric hospital and the state keeps talking about shutting it down due to major budget cuts, and even if they don't shut it down, they could still lay a bunch of people off, maybe even him, and they are looking for any little reason to fire people right now so that they don't have to pay their unemployment.  He came home on Thursday night to drop off some groceries to me since he has our truck,and he told me that he has a job interview today for a REALLY good job at a GREAT company managing 2 new group homes, which would be PERFECT for him and would probably pay even more than he makes now.  He has probably either already had his interview or is there right now.  He said it was at 10 or 10:30 our time (eastern time), but I can't remember which.   I was blown away when he told me that he had this interview.  I have been begging him for months to try to find a less stressful, better job and he just wouldn't apply anywhere.   The fact that he applied for this job on his own just screams to me that he can't take his current job anymore, that the stress from it is killing him, plus the uncertainty of whether or not he will even still have a job there in the next couple of months.  If he gets this job, this could be a savior.   I did text him last night and asked him to please at least let me know how the interview goes, but he never answered.   I hope he still went.  All I know is that the combination of financial stress and job stress must be killing him and he has just finally lost it this past week.


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## mycrofft (Nov 4, 2011)

*Get a piece of paper.Maybe two.*

1. List your assets, including people, and your dawning realization that this isn't working (anymore).
2. Call your humans assets and ask for help. Start with family (be prepared to act your part in that until you can get back out on your own).
3. List what you MUST do. Assume Joe Dirt is not coming back, even if he does whenever he is hungry etc. Act on that basis. Maybe you can get someone to foster the dogs, or if they like him better, leave them with him. This is your lifeboat call.

PS: EAT. Starving will make you crazy.

PPS: never forget the Murphy's Law about living wityh someone crazier than you.

PPPS: Turn on your truth detector, call one of his buddies and ask if there is someone else.


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## EMT20002 (Nov 4, 2011)

mycrofft said:


> 1. List your assets, including people, and your dawning realization that this isn't working (anymore).
> 2. Call your humans assets and ask for help. Start with family (be prepared to act your part in that until you can get back out on your own).
> 3. List what you MUST do. Assume Joe Dirt is not coming back, even if he does whenever he is hungry etc. Act on that basis. Maybe you can get someone to foster the dogs, or if they like him better, leave them with him. This is your lifeboat call.
> 
> ...



Oh, I could never part from our dogs.  They mean the world to me and are helping me stay at least someone sane.  They are my kids.


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## mycrofft (Nov 4, 2011)

*Then that is one factor.*

Go eat a PBJ, clear a space on the table and get to work.


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## EMT20002 (Nov 4, 2011)

Worst day ever.  I was checking our bank account online this afternoon and saw a charge for a hotel in Boston.  I called the hotel and my fiance booked a room for the weekend for 2 adults.  I have NO idea who he taking with him, although I have a guess.  I think he's cheating on me.  I confronted him on the phone about it and he flipped out on me and started blaming me for all sorts of things.  We have a joint bank account, so I went to the bank, took my money from my pay check out and opened my open separate account.  He found out and flipped off the handle and started calling me all kinds of nasty names, told me how much he hates me, degraded me in many different ways, and blamed me for a million different things.   I can't stop crying.  Just the thought of him with someone else totally breaks me and I was even crying at the bank while getting my own account.  I have loved this guy unconditionally for almost 12 years and he has been my best friend and my rock.  How could he do this to me????      I have never been single and I'm so scared of being all alone.  He has turned into someone I don't even know anymore.  It's like some sort of monster has taken him over and the old him is gone.   He hasn't had his diabetes meds in days.  I'm literally shaking right now.


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## Sasha (Nov 4, 2011)

I know it seems hard. The people you love the most can hurt you the most. But you can and will get through this.

It may feel like the end of the world but don't worry love, life does go on  

He's cheating, so get yourself together and figure out how you're gonna keep your house and bills, put in an ad for a roommate. And DUMP HIM!!! Next time he starts to yell at you HANG UP! You don't need it, girl!

Sent from LuLu using Tapatalk


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## EMT20002 (Nov 4, 2011)

I just don't understand how he can throw away almost 12 years of my unconditional love.   I have ALWAYS been with him through everything.  I have always wanted him to be happy and did everything I could to make him happy.  In almost 12 years, I have never once even thought about being with another man.  That's how much I love him.  Now I have major self esteem issues thinking I'm suddenly not good enough for him or not good looking enough.    I don't know what I ever did to make my love, my best friend of over a decade hate me so much.  He called me so many names...even the C word...and kept telling me he hates me so much.   I feel like I have no one now.  All of my old friends live far away.  :sad:


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## DV_EMT (Nov 4, 2011)

EMT20002 said:


> I confronted him on the phone about it and he flipped out on me and started blaming me for all sorts of things.  We have a joint bank account, so I went to the bank, took my money from my pay check out and opened my open separate account.  He found out and flipped off the handle and started calling me all kinds of nasty names, told me how much he hates me, degraded me in many different ways, and blamed me for a million different things.



:excl:RED FLAG:excl:

As this is a new development, I repeal my previous statement as there is obviously an issue with his stability. I'd advise reaching out to immediate family for support as it is crucial to your own health and well being. 

It seems apperant by his actions that he is very unstable and his agression toward you may (probably is) due to the fact that he's in the wrong.


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## Sasha (Nov 4, 2011)

EMT20002 said:


> I just don't understand how he can throw away almost 12 years of my unconditional love.   I have ALWAYS been with him through everything.  I have always wanted him to be happy and did everything I could to make him happy.  In almost 12 years, I have never once even thought about being with another man.  That's how much I love him.  Now I have major self esteem issues thinking I'm suddenly not good enough for him or not good looking enough.    I don't know what I ever did to make my love, my best friend of over a decade hate me so much.  He called me so many names...even the C word...and kept telling me he hates me so much.   I feel like I have no one now.  All of my old friends live far away.  :sad:



Stop it right now. You're not the problem, you did nothing wrong to make him anything... He is the jerk. 

He sounds immature. Women always love too much. Get out and get new friends. Stop falling to pieces. That's what he wants. Get up, get yourself together and he will see what he lost.

Sent from LuLu using Tapatalk


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## DV_EMT (Nov 4, 2011)

Sasha said:


> Stop it right now. You're not the problem, you did nothing wrong to make him anything... He is the jerk. He sounds immature.



+1 to that


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## purplepenguin (Nov 5, 2011)

Everything's going to be fine. <3


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## EMT20002 (Nov 5, 2011)

Okay, quick question.  He is 41 years old.  Could he be going through a midlife crisis right now?  I'm only 30, so I have no clue what the signs of a midlife crisis are and I'm desperately trying to figure this all out in my head.  He has NEVER done anything like this before.  I even have an idea of the girl he may be staying at this hotel with.  She is only about 24 or 25 and is a coworker of his, and I've seen a few flirtatious text messages between them on his phone last summer, but he assured me nothing was going on.  This girl even just got married last winter and he told me that they were going through a divorce.  Also, just the other day, I found a picture of this girl on his computer by accident while I was looking for something completely different that I needed to print out.


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## DV_EMT (Nov 5, 2011)

EMT20002 said:


> Okay, quick question.  He is 41 years old.  Could he be going through a midlife crisis?  I'm only 30, so I have no clue what the signs of a midlife crisis are and I'm desperately trying to figure this all out in my head.  He has NEVER done anything like this before.  I even have an idea of the girl he may be staying at this hotel with.  She is only about 24 or 25 and is a coworker of his, and I've seen a few flirtatious text messages between them on his phone last summer, but he assured me nothing was going on.



Could be.... I've heard of more absurd things. Mid-life crisis usually are either in splurging extra cash or having an affair if the first option is not available. I know that I've heard of some pretty absurd mid-life crisis' but its all about how you're going to deal with it on your end. On one side, your not married, on the other side, you do have a lot of shared/split investments. So the ball is really in your court on what your future together holds. Maybe this is the time to start considering making a "life changing" decision. going seperate ways, getting married, or whatever decisions need to be made. Regardless, keep communicaion open as that will be the key to figuring out what changes need to happen.


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## purplepenguin (Nov 5, 2011)

DV_EMT said:


> Could be.... I've heard of more absurd things. Mid-life crisis usually are either in splurging extra cash or having an affair if the first option is not available. I know that I've heard of some pretty absurd mid-life crisis' but its all about how you're going to deal with it on your end. On one side, your not married, on the other side, you do have a lot of shared/split investments. So the ball is really in your court on what your future together holds. Maybe this is the time to start considering making a "life changing" decision. going seperate ways, getting married, or whatever decisions need to be made. Regardless, keep communicaion open as that will be the key to figuring out what changes need to happen.



Yes. THIS!


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## EMT20002 (Nov 5, 2011)

DV_EMT said:


> Could be.... I've heard of more absurd things. Mid-life crisis usually are either in splurging extra cash or having an affair if the first option is not available. I know that I've heard of some pretty absurd mid-life crisis' but its all about how you're going to deal with it on your end. On one side, your not married, on the other side, you do have a lot of shared/split investments. So the ball is really in your court on what your future together holds. Maybe this is the time to start considering making a "life changing" decision. going seperate ways, getting married, or whatever decisions need to be made. Regardless, keep communicaion open as that will be the key to figuring out what changes need to happen.



He was REALLY, REALLY mean to me tonight when I confronted him about the hotel reservation for two and when I asked him if there was someone else, AND he he completely flipped out when he found out that I took the rest of my paycheck out of our joint bank account and opened my own that he does not have acces to, so now he doesn't have enough money for his little road trip with this girl.  He even texted me while I was at the bank saying he was in the ER with chest pains and an ulcer, and when I got home, I called the ER he claimed he was at and he was NEVER seen there.


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## DV_EMT (Nov 5, 2011)

EMT20002 said:


> He was REALLY, REALLY mean to me tonight when I confronted him about the hotel reservation for two and when I asked him if there was someone else, AND he he completely flipped out when he found out that I took the rest of my paycheck out of our joint bank account and opened my own that he does not have acces to, so now he doesn't have enough money for his little road trip with this girl.  He even texted me while I was at the bank saying he was in the ER with chest pains and an ulcer, and when I got home, I called the ER he claimed he was at and he was NEVER seen there.



Sounds like you two have A LOT of talking to do.


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## EMT20002 (Nov 5, 2011)

DV_EMT said:


> Sounds like you two have A LOT of talking to do.



Oh believe me, I've been trying to talk to him calmly and maturely and he's just horrible at communication.  The thought of him with another woman is literally killing me, like a spear through my heart and lungs.


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## McGoo (Nov 5, 2011)

When I first read your posts, the first thing I thought was 'he's cheating.' The cause may be a mid-life crisis, it may not, but the end result is the same. You feel horrible (to put it mildly), and trust is gone.

What has happened was not your choice, but what you do from here on is. Take your time, think about what _you_ want and need, and take steps to make those things happen. It could be anything from reconciliation, mediation, separation, assasination, termination. But make sure that you think of yourself first, and do what you need. If what you do happens to benefit him, that is by-product, and should not be your motivating factor.

At risk of sounding like I have a uterus, you need to empower yourself, because your power is what he has removed.


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## purplepenguin (Nov 5, 2011)

McGoo said:


> At risk of sounding like I have a uterus, you need to empower yourself, because your power is what he has removed.



We're on the phone together and this just made us giggle like school girls. 

She's been getting awesome advice from everyone. We're thankful to get advice from those of you without a uterus.


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## EMT20002 (Nov 5, 2011)

I really need some advice on how to handle this situation.  While what he has been doing to me for the past week is 500% wrong, selfish, and cruel, I just can't snap my fingers and turn off the nearly 12 years of love I have had for him.  I have never even thought about being with anyone else since I met him.    I still love him with all my heart and care about him so, so much, even though I am absolutely livid at him right now for what he is doing, the not coming home for a week, the taking off to Boston and using my paycheck in our joint checking account to pay for the hotel room and taking someone with him, which I'm almost 100% certain is this girl I mentioned before, the ignoring my phone calls and texts, and then completely lashing out at me and calling me horrible names and putting me down when I took my pay check out of our joint checking account and opened my own account, leaving him with next to no money.  I'm sorry, but I wasn't about to let him use MY hard earned money to take this girl on a weekend road trip and stay in a hotel room.  It hurt me so much to do this knowing that it would leave him with zero money, but I had to protect myself, especially in the state he is in now where he could potentially drain our bank account.  He is NOT himself and hasn't been for the past week.  It's like something suddenly snapped in him a week ago and I don't know what it was.  I'm SO CONFUSED.

The bottom line is that I don't want to lose him.  I know that all couples have bumps in the road, and this is a major one for us and the biggest one we have ever had in over a decade.  We have always been such a strong couple.  I honestly have NO idea what brought this behavior on in him, but I DO know that I didn't do anything to deserve this kind of treatment.  I have a very strong feeling that he is probably cheating on me with this girl (who I believe is still married and she does know about me) and it makes me sick that she will be in our brand new truck that we both own 50/50 (both of our names are on the car loan and insurance) and that she is with my man...my best friend and potentially being sexual with him.  The thought of that KILLS me.

I am willing to do whatever it takes to fix our relationship. I WANT to get professional help together so, so badly.  Now, should I just leave him alone and not text or call him and wait for him to come to me?  He got REALLY heated with me today (well, now it's yesterday) and he said some very, very hurtful things to me.  I know that he has to come home/contact me at some point.   I'm thinking it may be best that I don't try to contact him.  He has this weekend off and I have no idea if he's still going to Boston or not.  He would have to get money from someone to be able to go.  I just checked and he hasn't cancelled his hotel reservation.  I'm thinking it would be best for me to not even try to contact him at all until he contacts/comes to me.  When he does finally contact me, what should I say?  How should I act?  I want him to know how furious I am, but that I do still love him and want to work on our issues more than anything.   Any advice?   I just don't want to lose him.  I do still love him so much despite this whole mess.  :sad:


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## EMT20002 (Nov 5, 2011)

McGoo said:


> At risk of sounding like I have a uterus, you need to empower yourself, because your power is what he has removed.



Thank you SO much for this laugh!  I SO needed it!!!!  :rofl:


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## Sasha (Nov 5, 2011)

EMT20002 said:


> I really need some advice on how to handle this situation.  While what he has been doing to me for the past week is 500% wrong, selfish, and cruel, I just can't snap my fingers and turn off the nearly 12 years of love I have had for him.  I have never even thought about being with anyone else since I met him.    I still love him with all my heart and care about him so, so much, even though I am absolutely livid at him right now for what he is doing, the not coming home for a week, the taking off to Boston and using my paycheck in our joint checking account to pay for the hotel room and taking someone with him, which I'm almost 100% certain is this girl I mentioned before, the ignoring my phone calls and texts, and then completely lashing out at me and calling me horrible names and putting me down when I took my pay check out of our joint checking account and opened my own account, leaving him with next to no money.  I'm sorry, but I wasn't about to let him use MY hard earned money to take this girl on a weekend road trip and stay in a hotel room.  It hurt me so much to do this knowing that it would leave him with zero money, but I had to protect myself, especially in the state he is in now where he could potentially drain our bank account.  He is NOT himself and hasn't been for the past week.  It's like something suddenly snapped in him a week ago and I don't know what it was.  I'm SO CONFUSED.
> 
> The bottom line is that I don't want to lose him.  I know that all couples have bumps in the road, and this is a major one for us and the biggest one we have ever had in over a decade.  We have always been such a strong couple.  I honestly have NO idea what brought this behavior on in him, but I DO know that I didn't do anything to deserve this kind of treatment.  I have a very strong feeling that he is probably cheating on me with this girl (who I believe is still married and she does know about me) and it makes me sick that she will be in our brand new truck that we both own 50/50 (both of our names are on the car loan and insurance) and that she is with my man...my best friend and potentially being sexual with him.  The thought of that KILLS me.
> 
> I am willing to do whatever it takes to fix our relationship. I WANT to get professional help together so, so badly.  Now, should I just leave him alone and not text or call him and wait for him to come to me?  He got REALLY heated with me today (well, now it's yesterday) and he said some very, very hurtful things to me.  I know that he has to come home/contact me at some point.   I'm thinking it may be best that I don't try to contact him.  He has this weekend off and I have no idea if he's still going to Boston or not.  He would have to get money from someone to be able to go.  I just checked and he hasn't cancelled his hotel reservation.  I'm thinking it would be best for me to not even try to contact him at all until he contacts/comes to me.  When he does finally contact me, what should I say?  How should I act?  I want him to know how furious I am, but that I do still love him and want to work on our issues more than anything.   Any advice?   I just don't want to lose him.  I do still love him so much despite this whole mess.  :sad:



Sweetie, it doesn't matter if he is having a midlife crisis or not, he had no right. 

He lied and cheated on you and now he tried to manipulate you by saying he is in the ER.... WHY do you want this guy?

You can love someone with all your heart that doesn't mean he can stay in your life. 

He didn't admit anything or show any remorse, he got caught and lashed out at you. He isn't sorry, maybe he loves you to a point but he isn't in love with you if he could do those things to you.

Sent from LuLu using Tapatalk


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## DV_EMT (Nov 5, 2011)

Sasha said:


> Sweetie, it doesn't matter if he is having a midlife crisis or not, he had no right.
> 
> He lied and cheated on you and now he tried to manipulate you by saying he is in the ER.... WHY do you want this guy?
> 
> ...




Good points, however you have to understand her emotional standpoiny. Considering that she has a lot of time invested into their relationship she may(correct me if I'm wrong) want to see if its salvageable.


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## EMT20002 (Nov 5, 2011)

DV_EMT said:


> Good points, however you have to understand her emotional standpoiny. Considering that she has a lot of time invested into their relationship she may(correct me if I'm wrong) want to see if its salvageable.



I really do so badly. He is not being the man that I know and love.  He has always been nothing but good to me all these years.  I don't know what changed.  I still love him so, so much and I feel literally sick to my stomach over this whole thing.  I have never been apart from him in 12 years.  I'm so, so, so scared of losing him and am willing to do whatever it takes to salvage this.  I'm so scared and lonely.  All I want is for him to come home.


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## Sasha (Nov 5, 2011)

EMT20002 said:


> I really do so badly. He is not being the man that I know and love.  He has always been nothing but good to me all these years.  I don't know what changed.  I still love him so, so much and I feel literally sick to my stomach over this whole thing.  I have never been apart from him in 12 years.  I'm so, so, so scared of losing him and am willing to do whatever it takes to salvage this.  I'm so scared and lonely.  All I want is for him to come home.



You'll regret it. 

Sent from LuLu using Tapatalk


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## CritterNurse (Nov 5, 2011)

I know you mentioned couple's counselling, but what about counselling for just yourself? There is no shame in seeking help from a professional to help get you back on your feet. You need to take care of yourself.


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## EMT20002 (Nov 5, 2011)

This is so hard.  I hate going to bed alone and waking up alone.  We would always hug each other as we were going to sleep for 12 years.  He and I have always been so, so close and know everything about each other.  Everything.  I could always be me around him and he could always be him around me.  We love(d) each other unconditionally.  This is the very first time in my entire life I have ever been alone.  I haven't heard from him at all since his outburst at me via text messaging yesterday evening.  I don't know where he is or who he's with.  I'm SO worried about him.  He doesn't have ANY of his medications with him and he hasn't taken them in days, I'm sure.  He needs his insulin.  He needs his other medications, too.  I don't have any idea why he's doing this.  Like I said, when this whole thing started on the night of Wednesday the 26th, everything had been totally normal earlier in the day.   We never even had an argument...nothing.  It was like any other day.  He just never came home from work and went out drinking with coworkers for the first time ever.  He doesn't even drink.  I don't know if it's some sort of medical condition causing him to act out this way, a midlife crisis, lack of sleep, job stress, or a combination of all.  He has been saying this whole time (when I do hear from him) that it's all about money and how I just want to spend and spend and spend, which isn't even true...I swear it's not.  He's acting like this is 100% my fault and I didn't even do anything wrong...at least not wrong enough to deserve this torture.  :sad:  We're far from rich, but we do both have good payment jobs and we're not doing THAT bad.  I think he is just using money problems as a cover up for something bigger, and I don't know what.  I keep trying to figure all of this out in my head, but I just can't.  None of it makes any sense at all.  I just miss him so much.  I'm so tired of crying and worrying nonstop every day.  :sad:  I keep telling myself that he has to snap out of this at some point...he has to come home at some point....


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## EMT20002 (Nov 5, 2011)

He just texted me after not contacting me since last night and said he's coming by tomorrow to get his computer and some other stuff.   I told him that we need to talk and he said no.  I think he's been drinking.     I then said "Okay, then that's your choice.  I'm not going to force you, but I think we can get through this and I still love you."   :sad:


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## Sasha (Nov 5, 2011)

EMT20002 said:


> He just texted me after not contacting me since last night and said he's coming by tomorrow to get his computer and some other stuff.   I told him that we need to talk and he said no.  I think he's been drinking.     I then said "Okay, then that's your choice.  I'm not going to force you, but I think we can get through this and I still love you."   :sad:



men don't like it when you sound desperate. 

Live your life, be happy without him, act like you don't need him and he will be absolutely beside himself with jealousy.


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## EMT20002 (Nov 5, 2011)

Sasha said:


> men don't like it when you sound desperate.
> 
> Live your life, be happy without him, act like you don't need him and he will be absolutely beside himself with jealousy.



I think you're right.  I'm not texting him anymore.  I can't take this anymore.  It has been going on for over a week now.  :sad:


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## Sasha (Nov 5, 2011)

EMT20002 said:


> I think you're right.  I'm not texting him anymore.  I can't take this anymore.  It has been going on for over a week now.  :sad:



It's NOT been going on for over a week, he's made it pretty clear it's over. You're just refusing to accept it. It's OVER. Stop trying to sound desperate and get him back.

Start getting your life back together. Yeah, the empty space in bed is gonna suck but it's going to suck more the longer you dwell on it. Get going girl, get on with your life and stop giving him this much power over you.


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## firetender (Nov 5, 2011)

*Sasha and EMT20002*

Now that you've gotten to know each other, please take the converstation over to the PM Dept.

Thanks


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## BandageBrigade (Nov 6, 2011)

Not trying to sound argumentative, but why does it need too be taken to pm if the op still wishes to be public? Are they not still on topic? It doesn't really matter, just curious is all.


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## EMT20002 (Nov 6, 2011)

BandageBrigade said:


> Not trying to sound argumentative, but why does it need too be taken to pm if the op still wishes to be public? Are they not still on topic? It doesn't really matter, just curious is all.



I was actually wondering the same thing.  I do want it to stay public.


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## Sasha (Nov 6, 2011)

EMT20002 said:


> I was actually wondering the same thing.  I do want it to stay public.



...why? Are you hoping he somehow sees?

Not gonna play part in that.

Sent from LuLu using Tapatalk


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## EMT20002 (Nov 6, 2011)

Sasha said:


> ...why? Are you hoping he somehow sees?
> 
> Not gonna play part in that.
> 
> Sent from LuLu using Tapatalk



No.  He doesn't even know about this forum.  There's no way he'll ever see this unless I specifically show it to him myself.  He doesn't even have his computer with him wherever he is.  Both his desktop and laptop are here.  I have been an EMT since I was 17 and have been a member of this forum for a while.  I just came here seeking support and advice during the hardest time I have ever been through in my entire life, but I guess I won't anymore.


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## firetender (Nov 7, 2011)

EMT20002 said:


> I just came here seeking support and advice during the hardest time I have ever been through in my entire life, but I guess I won't anymore.


 
Maybe I was crude but the point I was trying to make is that you came here with a problem (only very peripherally related to EMS), you found some people willing to talk and advise and support your process so, please, utilize them.

I'm happy you came here for that support but fail to see how airing more and more details of the story publically would serve the purpose of this Forum which is essentially discussion of topics related to EMS.

You didn't violate any Community Rules. I did hear you asking for support and I did see you get it from people here, so what I'm saying (in support of you) is reach out personally (PM) to whomever you found here that you can trust. This IS a hard time for you, you deserve support and I want you to get it, so here's my suggestion for another way you can use EMTlife that might be more productive.


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