# Things EMT's and Paramedics Can't Do At Work



## TTLWHKR (Mar 13, 2005)

1. It is not the policy of this ambulance service to “clear the room” when responding to a frequent flyer shortness of breath patient.  So give the flashbang grenades back to the SWAT team and get on with your job. 
2. The rule against forming a union at this service also apply to forming a guild hall. 
3. Not allowed to reenact scenes from Monty Python’s Life of Brian on scene.   
4. My job description does not include the charge to “winnow out the weak”.  With that caveat, high explosives need not be included in the jump kit. 
5. Fishnet stockings are not to be worn while on duty, even if they are not visible under my pants. 
6. Not allowed to frighten livestock by “mooing” at them through the PA mike on the ambulance 
7. Not allowed the Grim Reaper outfit while on duty (not even on Halloween).  Or the Easter Bunny costume, or the Cupid suit, etc. 
8. We do not sell advertising space on the ambulance, our uniforms or on the jump bags.  We also can not drag advertising banners behind the ambulance.  And yes you have to give back the money. 
9. It is not the role of the service’s public information officer to tell obscene jokes in front of the press.  This is why you are no longer the PIO. 
10. Not allowed to diagnose psychological problems and “shallow gene pool” is not listed in the DSM-IV anyhow.  Ditto for “too stupid to f---ing live” 
11. “I was bored” is not an excuse for anything done in the crew quarters with a bullhorn, a goat and a storm whistle. 
12. Not allowed to continue to use the Organ Procurement Organization cooler to store my lunch. 
13. It is possible to consume too much coffee before going on a call. 
14. When my rhythm on an EKG changes from sinus rhythm to something that the cardiologist had a hard time identifying, I have achieved #13. 
15. Must leave the noble art of dentistry to professionals 
16. Yes, we are professionals, but not that kind of professional. 
17. The cattle prod….get rid of it NOW. 
18. It is wrong to require the rookie to serve as a test subject when CCSD Deputy Best wants to try out his new super-potent pepper foam. 
19. Must not require the EMT students to take a loyalty oath in German 
20. Not allowed to put fake blood capsules in your mouth before walking up to a frequent flyer. 
21. Must stop waving hand over psych patients and saying “The Force is strong in this one”. 
22. About the battering ram, two words:  BAD THEORY. 
23. Must not prove the medical director or EMS supervisor wrong when they say “you wouldn’t dare!”. 
24. Must not dip the ensign when the EMS supervisor or medical director drives by. 
25. The proper response to a board of inquiry is not “But ‘treason’ is such a hard word.” 
26. It is wrong to point out that the neighboring district’s black uniforms with a red patch on the left arm are inappropriate for various historical reasons given the fact that there’s a synagogue next to their station. Especially must not point this out to the press. 
27.  The “Buddy Christ” statue (http://store.yahoo.com/jsbstash/budchrisdass1.html) is to be removed from the dash of the ambulance immediately. 
28.  Station 6 can not secede from the rest of the district. 
29.  There is no such thing as “The 2x4 of Immunity” and I should stop swinging it at drunk patients who have repeatedly had the sh-t beat out of them in order to attempt to render them immune to future trauma. 
30.  It is wrong to willfully exacerbate the fears of my patients. 
31.  Must stop chanting “Patients are the enemy…..I must eliminate my enemy” while listening to “Conflict” by Disturbed at a volume that would deafen the guys from Deep Purple. 
32.  The proper way to perform a dopamine calculation does not involve, in any way shape or form, knowing the airspeed velocity of a sparrow, either laden or unladen. 
33.  I am not allowed to exacerbate my supervisor’s feeling of nameless dread. 
34.  I am not allowed to pull up behind a parked semi while my partner is sleeping in the passenger seat of the ambulance, lay on the horn and scream “LOOK OUT!!!!!!!!!” 
35.  Not allowed to refer to the proctologist as “that a--hole doc” anymore. 
36.  Not allowed to mark my unit out of service in order to respond to the Bat Signal, no matter what dastardly danger threatens fair Gotham. 
37.  In regards to #36, “bat nipples” are not part of a proper EMS uniform. 
38.  From now on, if a patient’s chief complaint involves “I was bitten by a plague rat”, I will contact medical control and let them know about this PRIOR to contacting the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 
39. The proper German translation of “EMS Supervisor” is  “Rettungsdienstleiter”, not “Rettungsfuhrer” so I will take that sign off of the door immediately. 
40. Not allowed to standby while stupid probie firefighters nearly asphyxiate themselves because of thorough unfamiliarity with their SCBA’s. 
41. Not allowed to bite the drug dog.  
42. Not even if “he tried to bite me first!” 
43. Not allowed to lick ER nurses. 
44. A flying tackle is not the appropriate way to get a chief’s attention. 
45. Not allowed to elect a stuffed penguin the new volunteer EMS supervisor. 
46. Not allowed to bring a baby alligator to the station and announce that it’s “the new mascot”. 
47.  Not allowed to play to the Chief’s delusions of godhood. 
48.  Not allowed to assemble hamster tubes throughout the station to “give the little guys room to play!” 
49.  Not allowed to answer honestly when Game Warden asks what we were going to do with a 12 ft python we removed from someone’s house. 
50.  Especially not when the answer to #49 involves the words “chief’s office” 
51.  “Because I got tired of telling the b-stard to be careful” is not an acceptable excuse when your partner finally shocked himself while defibing a patient.


----------



## TTLWHKR (Mar 13, 2005)

52.  I will not refer to stroke pts as CCFCcP (coo coo for cocoa puffs). 
53.  I will not surgilube the door handles of the supervisors vehicle. 
54.  I will not call dispatch and ask them for a tone test immediately after my partner goes into the bathroom or shower. 
55.  I will not spike a 1000 bag of fluid and leave it on top of the tire and run the tubing in the window over the drivers seat so the next person to drive the rig gets wet. 
56.  I will not turn on the enemy's (translated: rival company) lights and sirens while they are in the ER with a pt so that when they turn the truck on they make a lot of noise, nor will i tape down the airhorn button after filling the airhorns with hand cleanser foam.... 
57.  I will get my paperwork done on time. 
58.  I will stop wasting time online adding things to lists in order to comply with #57! 

59. No spreading D50 on the steering wheel of another paramedics rig. Especially when the barn has an ant problem. 
60. Company IV supplies are not to be used for a D5W hangover cure.

61. Not allowed to place an ad in the newpaper in which the says "Spacious imaculatly clean two story house in good order for sale complete with :4 car garage, Full size kitchen, fenced in back yard, 12 bedrooms, 4 offices,  3 bathrooms, 2 shower rooms, 4 poles for easy access to bottom floor, and it has an Excelent intercom system" Then place the chief's personal cell phone as the call number with intructions to call between 8:00Pm to 8:00am.


----------



## TTLWHKR (Mar 13, 2005)

62.  Not allowed to put methylene blue dye in everyone's coffee before a urine drug test (It turns their urine the same color as the dye they put in the toilet to keep you from diluting the specimen). 
63.  Not allowed to tie the EMT student into a Stokes litter and run them up the flagpole and leave them there over night. 

63. Not allowed to play Ludacris' "Move B*tch" over the loud speaker when running hot. 
64. Not allowed to "remix" the sirens to get a funky beat on lights and sirens 
65. Not allowed to play mail box bingo with the ambulance 

66. not allowed to long strap the probate to the bed on their first night and smear surgilube and foam alcohol all over them 
67. not allowed to tell probate that they must sleep in the truck on their first night "because it's your job to make sure gloves and equipment are ready to go upon the click of the mic 

68. not allowed to use the ambulances spot lights in order to jack deer on the back roads at night 

69. Not allowed to fill a rubber glove with 02 in the parking lot with a trail of alcho rub hand cleaner, so as to light it with a match from a safe distance. Contrary to popular belife the neihbors do not enjoy this.(neither do the police nor the fire dept.) 

70.Not allowed to clean out the inside of a fuel tank with water while it is still running. (it is supposed to smell like that) 

71.Not Allowed to switch the bathroom door with the glass door from the front of the station. 

72.Not allowed to turn my supervisors door handle to his office around so it locks from the outside.


----------



## TTLWHKR (Mar 13, 2005)

I'm posting these as I find them. The page keeps locking up that I'm  "Borrowing" them from.

73.  Not allowed to remove the cot from the back of the reserve ambulance and use it to move large quantities of beer and liquor prior to a party. 
74.  Not allowed to call in the shooting of a chihuahua (by a deputy after the dog bit him while he was helping move a big fat CHF patient) to the hospital as a trauma alert.  Not even if we've started two IV's and tubed the dog and are making the student work it like a trauma code. 

75. Not allowed to put a bed pan on the drivers seat for those long hauls across the state... 

76. never sound the horn when a photographer is changing lenses...oops 

77. horses are epileptic when shining sirens at them 

78. according to my boss, WD40 cures all mechanical problems 

79. the truck should be 2 inches from the line when backing up 

80. fat people make good airbags (on fruit street in concord) 

81. tell your director that he is old enough to have started para medicine 

82.  That is not a black unmarked helicopter hovering above the LZ, that's the Lifeline chopper and you d--n well know it. 
83.  Not allowed to turn Medic 694 (a reserve ambulance) into a low-rider.  And no you can't keep the money 
84.  Not allowed to have sex with your girlfriend in the back of the ambulance in between calls.  More specifically, you're not allowed to get caught having sex with your girlfriend in between calls.  Even more specifically not allowed to get caught by your girlfriend's mom who "happens" to be an EMT at your service.   
85.  When dealing with a suicidal patient, there is nothing in the protocols that stipulates that proper treatment involves giving them a Judas Priest album 
86.  Same goes for a subscription to "Guns and Ammo" 
87.  The voices in my head do not have permission to act as medical control.  
88.  Not allowed to baptize the probies in the dump tank at a fire. 
89.  I must admit to my mistakes.  I am not allowed to invoke the Fifth Amendment when the medical director asks "And just where in the protocols does it say that?" 
90.  Holy water and crucifixes do not ward off EMS supervisors. 
91.  The last time the supervisor checked I was not ordained by any of the major faiths, so I am to immediately stop administering last rites to all my patients. 
92.  Not allowed to organize the probies into teams for "stupid human tricks" 
93.  The caber toss may well be something from my ethnic heritage, but care should be taken in the throwing of telephone poles in public spaces.  
94.  No matter what I ate, gastrointestinal problems do not constitute a fire hazard 
95.  It is not appropriate to burn your supervisor in effigy. 
96.  Ditto for fire officers, probies, and medical directors. 
97.  Must stop shouting "CONTAINMENT BREACH" when someone farts! 
98.  Just because the courts say I can, doesn’t mean I should. Or must. Or have a divine mandate.  
99.  The phrase ‘Golf is like sex, you perform better wearing cleats’ is not to be spoken in this building ever again. 
100.  A good call-in should be like a woman's skirt, long enough to cover the essentials and short enough to keep interest. Yours are more like a wonderbra…attention getting, but mostly built up on false pretenses.  

101. It is not allowed to tape down the phone reciever. 
102. It is not allowed to staple the bottom of your partners pants/jumpsuits .  
103. It is not allowed to wear small fruit symbol pins on your pocket symbolizing the near saves. 
104. It is not allowed to have your adm. who runs 1 call a year to retrieve a "# 7 fallopian tube" to just get him out of the way. Then have have everybody laugh when he claims he can't find it ! 
105. It is not allowed to hook up the air horn/siren switch to the steering wheel when turned. 
106. It is not allowed to apply K-Y to the wiper blades of your partners windshield wipers.  
107. It is not allowed to apply shaving cream to the reciever end of the phone. 
108. It is not allowed to make a bumper sticker out of 2" tape, reading " honk if you like little boys" .. supv get really mad about this. 
109. Itnis not alowed to perform a "Ford road test" down the railroad tracks, on frequent flyers. 
110. It is not allowed to "eat" members, EMS membership cards. 

111. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!” 
112. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack. 
113. Must not use the ambulance to “Squish” things. 
114. My supervisors are not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.


----------



## TTLWHKR (Mar 13, 2005)

> *39. The proper German translation of “EMS Supervisor” is “Rettungsdienstleiter”, not “Rettungsfuhrer” so I will take that sign off of the door immediately. *



German: Rettungsdienstleiter
English: Emergency service leader


German: Rettungsfuhrer?
English: Rescue More..?

I don't get it?


----------



## rescuecpt (Mar 14, 2005)

> _Originally posted by Blueeighty8_@Mar 13 2005, 11:20 PM
> *
> 
> 
> ...


 Der Fuhrer was Adolf Hitler.  It's comparing the supervisor to him.


----------



## ffemt8978 (Mar 14, 2005)

> *87. The voices in my head do not have permission to act as medical control. *



 :lol: ROTFLMAO!  :lol:


----------



## TTLWHKR (Mar 14, 2005)

> _Originally posted by rescuecpt+Mar 14 2005, 12:50 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>*QUOTE* (rescuecpt @ Mar 14 2005, 12:50 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-Blueeighty8_@Mar 13 2005, 11:20 PM
> *
> 
> 
> ...


Der Fuhrer was Adolf Hitler.  It's comparing the supervisor to him. [/b][/quote]
 I must have the same supervisor as the guy that wrote that then... :blink:


----------



## EMTstudent (Mar 14, 2005)

OMG!!!  I think I almost PEED myself reading all of these....

They are GREAT!!  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:


----------



## Jon (Mar 14, 2005)

OK, BLUE-  whereever you got these, make sure THE LUNATICK has them

TOO TRUE

Jon


----------



## TTLWHKR (Mar 14, 2005)

> _Originally posted by MedicStudentJon_@Mar 14 2005, 02:39 PM
> * OK, BLUE-  whereever you got these, make sure THE LUNATICK has them
> 
> TOO TRUE
> ...


 I think I have him in one of my 2,650 bookmarks, but I can't find it; pass it along if you feel inclined. I'm no longer bored, I think I'll spend the rest of the night sleeping.


----------



## Jon (Mar 14, 2005)

> _Originally posted by Blueeighty8+Mar 14 2005, 08:37 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>*QUOTE* (Blueeighty8 @ Mar 14 2005, 08:37 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-MedicStudentJon_@Mar 14 2005, 02:39 PM
> * OK, BLUE- whereever you got these, make sure THE LUNATICK has them
> 
> TOO TRUE
> ...


I think I have him in one of my 2,650 bookmarks, but I can't find it; pass it along if you feel inclined. I'm no longer bored, I think I'll spend the rest of the night sleeping. [/b][/quote]
www.THELUNATICK.com

DUH!


----------



## TTLWHKR (Mar 14, 2005)

It was in the book mark file "pointless entertainment", between "aim stuff" and ebaumsworld.com

Most of the sites are pointless, yet highly entertaining when one has nothing better to do.

Like listen to prank calls @ ebaums


----------

