# Funny Things We Say To Make Our Patients Feel Better



## armywifeemt (Apr 13, 2012)

Maybe its been done before... but for those of us who work in privates, I know we all have our cheesy little things we say to make patients laugh, smile, or at least let them know we understand their fears and concerns. 

I mentioned in another thread... I routinely tell patients who are afraid we will drop them that I would never drop them because it is too much paperwork... it has about a 99% success rate at getting a laugh or a smile, in my experience, though delivery is very important because you of course don't want them to feel like that is really the only reason you won't. I also tell them that, "we only drop patients on days that end with the letter Q" 

My boyfriend got me started on telling patients, "these cots are built for speed, not comfort" 

I wanna hear some of the lines some of the rest of you use to put your patients a little more at ease with the situation.


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## Handsome Robb (Apr 14, 2012)

I only drop people on days that end in Y. Gotta really judge your patient on that one though. 

"I know the IV hurts and if you feel the need do not hesitate to hit him" while pointing to your partner. Usually gets a smile or a laugh and totally distracts them from the IV poke. Judge you're patient well on this one too though, I'd feel pretty bad if I said it and then my partner got knocked and probably would suffer the consequences later from him haha.


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## Anjel (Apr 14, 2012)

"Hello my names Anjel, i'm here to be your angel today" 

Do the whole I only drop people on days that end in Y. 

Some of the 12-15 yr old psychs that are obviously scared, we turn the trick into the party ambulance and have a dance party.

All situation dependent. 

And don't tell us you are sick because of crack. You will get a collective crack is whack. Lol as gain depends on the person.


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## usalsfyre (Apr 14, 2012)

"This says we're not going to give your information out to anyone who doesn't need it, so the junk mail's not our fault"


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## Medic Tim (Apr 14, 2012)

We haven't dropped anyone yet today. 

With pt on stair chair or stretcher..... Keep your arms inside the ride at all times. You seat cushion.... If you had one can not be used as a flotation device, etc. Somethimes I throw in emergency exits or whatever I can think of off the top of my head.


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## STXmedic (Apr 14, 2012)

We won't be going lights an sirens today, my license is still on probation...

We've got a few seat belts for you. I/my partner is driving, so you might need them.

And of course, the "We only drop patients on [whatever day the day currently is].


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## mycrofft (Apr 14, 2012)

"You wanna go REAL fast?" (driving away)

"You ought to see the other guy".

"Here's a little canned fresh air..smells like it, too, doesn't it?". (Oxygen admin)

"You're our one hundredth customer today, you get to drive!"


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## jjesusfreak01 (Apr 14, 2012)

PoeticInjustice said:


> "We only drop patients on [whatever day the day currently is]"



Of course unless they actually seem really nervous, and it devolves into the less funny, "I don't drop people, ever".


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## STXmedic (Apr 14, 2012)

jjesusfreak01 said:


> Of course unless they actually seem really nervous, and it devolves into the less funny, "I don't drop people, ever".



It typically doesn't devolve into that, though.


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## NomadicMedic (Apr 14, 2012)

Is this your first time in an ambulance? Wow! Mine too!

We try not to drop people. It's a lot of paperwork, and I don't spell so good. 

When I pull my 12 lead cables or my monitor leads I always tell them I'm taking my wires, but they can keep the stickers as a free gift from the county.


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## Squad51 (Apr 14, 2012)

"Don't worry, this is my lucky needle. I never miss with this needle."

"How young are you?"

As you're fastening the seat belts on the cot. "Hold your arms up. Just like you're at 7-11." 

"Just like a ride at Six Flags. Except we don't kill anyone."

Caller: Wow! You got here fast!

Us: Thirty minutes or less or it's free!


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## TheLocalMedic (Apr 14, 2012)

For those I'm going to stick with a 20 gauge, "Look, I'm using a little tiny needle, they even colored it pink because it's for girls!"

Putting the cannula on before it's hooked up to oxygen and giving them the other end, "If you feel like you need more air just blow through here"


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## bigbaldguy (Apr 14, 2012)

TheLocalMedic said:


> Putting the cannula on before it's hooked up to oxygen and giving them the other end, "If you feel like you need more air just blow through here"



That's actually pretty funny. I might steal that. 

I just start doing the safety demo from work. Oh, note to self, steal a seat belt extension, safety demo guide and oxygen mask from plane for use as props.


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## MrandaPechon (Apr 15, 2012)

I always thought it would be funny but slightly horrible if when a doctor was putting someone under they said, "Hey guys, I am going to try this one blind folded, so time me."


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## Cup of Joe (Apr 15, 2012)

If patients are scared of a needle: "Don't worry, I won't feel a thing."


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## Sasha (Apr 15, 2012)

Belting them in "Stick em up like this is a robbery" (arms)

"got a couple seat belts for you. You'll appreciate them when my partner starts driving. He's an ex NASCAR driver. They kicked him out for turning right"

"so you wanna stop at the bar on the way? Pick up a couple chicks?"

"Keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times, we are not responsible for any body parts left behind."

"this is our hipaa form. It is also a great cure for insomnia. Reading it always puts me right to sleep." 

I try my hardest to make patients smile.


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## pips11 (Apr 15, 2012)

too funny!


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## medic417 (Apr 15, 2012)

Don't worry I won't let Sasha touch you.


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## mm505 (Apr 15, 2012)

This is my first time in an Ambulance, too!  Make sure you fill out the Paramedic Survey when you get out to the hospital.

I actually had a person ask me to write down my name so they could!


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## NJN (Apr 15, 2012)

For pulse ox "Gimmie the finger"


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## fma08 (Apr 16, 2012)

I'm going to call the hospital now and let them know you are coming so they can get the presidential suite opened up.


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## azerkail (May 6, 2012)

one patient was taken aback when i said 'can i borrow your finger' for a pulse ox. i then told her 'don't worry, i learned how to sow them back on the other day.'

laughs ensued but made the doctor mad lol.


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## NomadicMedic (May 6, 2012)

Sow? You plant them and regrow fingers? Sweet.


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## Milla3P (May 6, 2012)

"Here's some seatbelts so you can't run away" (fun with amputees {not really on the amputees})

"I promise this won't hurt me a bit"

"Not bad for my first day"

"Don't tell anyone I did a good job, you'll ruin my reputation"

"If I did a bad job my name's Steve"

"How do I do this job? You should meet my wife!" (she's my regular partner)
Wife jokes ensue. 

The night show gets a little blue after 10, or after narcotic analgesics.


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## Milla3P (May 6, 2012)

I'm going to take some blood for the hospital... And one vial for my collection.


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## Hunter (May 7, 2012)

TheLocalMedic said:


> Putting the cannula on before it's hooked up to oxygen and giving them the other end, "If you feel like you need more air just blow through here"


Lol I'm probably gonna use this sometime in the near future.








Sasha said:


> "this is our hipaa form. It is also a great cure for insomnia. Reading it always puts me right to sleep."



Lol this one I'm definitely stealing.

I tell my patients when i'm putting the seatbelts on that the straps are a parachute in case we drop them, or if its a little kid I tell them it's because we came in a flying ambulance. I.don't always use it because I don't wanna break a little kid's heart when they see our trucks.
Whenever we have a powerpro I call it bumble bee from transformers.


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## Sasha (May 8, 2012)

Hunter said:


> Lol I'm probably gonna use this sometime in the near future.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



With our power stretchers I tell kids we can't go until they make the stretcher raise up, so they have to say "Up up and away!!!"


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## WolfmanHarris (May 8, 2012)

When ambulating little old ladies to the stretcher or stair chair and supporting them I always say "May I have this dance?"

My partner and I make a pretty good comedy team, no good regular jokes but we've had a few patients ask if we were married. Answer: "Just at work, but don't tell my other husband/wife."

With scared family members when they're a little paniced but everything's actually under control I've had good success with this one: "Do I look scared? No, okay then let's make a deal. Take a nice deep breath come sit here and hold their hand and you don't get to panic until I do. Okay?" Works great on older kids when they're parents are hurt.

When patients ask if we'll be using the sirens to go to the hospital I sometimes use: "Bah! You're not that interesting." Sounds callous, but with a big smile and the right tone it gets a smile.


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## saskgirl (May 8, 2012)

Sasha said:


> With our power stretchers I tell kids we can't go until they make the stretcher raise up, so they have to say "Up up and away!!!"



I love this! I would say I want to start using it, but in all likelyhood I won't ever remember!


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## mycrofft (May 9, 2012)

Wolfman, you reminded me of the banter my partner(s) and I would use. A good memory, thanks.

Had a patient's daughter (it was a dialysis trip so we let her deadhead along) tell me I looked familiar. Turned out she had seen me when I was a dockhand/lifeguard/first-aider five years and 1500 miles ago.


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## Heylove (May 10, 2012)

You guys are cracking me up!


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## Martyn (May 11, 2012)

WolfmanHarris said:


> When ambulating little old ladies to the stretcher or stair chair and supporting them I always say "May I have this dance?"


 
Always used that with one of my regular dialysis patients...his reply? You lead, I'll follow. Unfortunately he passed away a couple of months ago, just after his 30th birthday...it was a pleasure knowing you even for a short time Jonathan.


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## Heylove (May 11, 2012)

*I don't have any EMT stories, yet!*

How about funny calls I received as a 911 call-taker?


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## NomadicMedic (May 12, 2012)

Heylove said:


> How about funny calls I received as a 911 call-taker?



How about you start a new thread?


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## Heylove (May 12, 2012)

n7lxi said:


> How about you start a new thread?



Is 911 call taker experience  allowed around here?


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## DrParasite (May 12, 2012)

Heylove said:


> How about funny calls I received as a 911 call-taker?


You wouldn't believe some of the calls I have taken..... start a new thread, I'm sure you can find some good ones... from tonight lol


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## britmedic (May 12, 2012)

WolfmanHarris said:


> When ambulating little old ladies to the stretcher or stair chair and supporting them I always say "May I have this dance?"
> 
> With scared family members when they're a little paniced but everything's actually under control I've had good success with this one: "Do I look scared? No, okay then let's make a deal. Take a nice deep breath come sit here and hold their hand and you don't get to panic until I do. Okay?" Works great on older kids when they're parents are hurt.
> 
> When patients ask if we'll be using the sirens to go to the hospital I sometimes use: "Bah! You're not that interesting." Sounds callous, but with a big smile and the right tone it gets a smile.



Ha I have used all of those. I got caught out with "don't worry until I look worrried" unfortunately it went wrong!


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## Impulse (May 15, 2012)

lmao


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## we talking bout practice (Jun 1, 2012)

Had an interesting young balls pt who believed there were nails in his head. He implored I check his brain.... wellllllll I had a long ride with this fellow so I thought it best it i did "check his brain". So of course through some leads on his dome and print off a stip so he can see it. He was delighted to hear it was the best brain monitering I had ever seen.... The nurses got a kick outta my pt still with leads on his head rolling into thier e.r.


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## Miekedra (Jun 26, 2012)

To A patient who cannot walk, or who has trouble to walk due inguries.
When they are on the stretcher...
Just a second, don't go and take off


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## CritterNurse (Jul 2, 2012)

I transported a 4 year old today. I told him I was going to buckle him in like a NASCAR driver. He then sounded excited when he told me he likes NASCAR.


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## emtkopan (Jul 4, 2012)

I told one pt I was William Hung and did the "She Bangs" song. I got a laugh out of the suicidal 14yo.


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## NomadicMedic (Jul 4, 2012)

emtkopan said:


> I told one pt I was William Hung and did the "She Bangs" song. I got a laugh out of the suicidal 14yo.



It would have been even funnier if you were a 6 foot tall blonde woman.


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## Darkcyn (Jul 14, 2012)

I keep a Magic 8 Ball in the truck.  When patients ask me something, (usually something dumb like "Am I going to die?" when they have a twisted ankle) it's /shakeshakeshake  "Signs point to yes."


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## mediKate (Jul 29, 2012)

*Ghost of Patient's Past*

"We are going to be transporting using lights and sirens today, so if you hear a sudden, ear piercing wail as we are driving, please don't freak and make a break for it ... it's not the Ghost of Patients Past ... just my partner exercising his right to make noise, again!"   =)

(Pretty rare that I actually get to use this one though, due to the infrequency of a hot transport for an alert patient.  Especially one that's up for a joke!)


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## EMT91 (Jul 29, 2012)

When doing my clinical rounds, I have had quite a few elderly patients say they are old, I then say "You are not old, you are seasoned with years" and they chuckle and enjoy it. I once told a little kid that we were gonna put a breathing mask on, and its cool like Darth Vader, since he had a breathing mask...kid smiled so big. I also tell patients that at any point during my treating them or doing assessments, to feel free to slap me. They always laugh.


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## reichera (Aug 2, 2012)

With a recent heat exposure patient, he did not want to be transported, but he needed fluid.  We got the OK to provide a liter, reassess, and then release.  After the approval, I turned to him and said "We going to pump (snap-clap) you up!"  He got a good chuckle.

A little later, after a few rounds of vitals, I said I was going to take another set.  He turned and said "Again?  Surely you're kidding."  My reply:  "I'm not kidding and don't call me Shirley".  <You saw that coming, right?>  That's pretty much how the rest of that incident went, culminating in he and I doing Great White North by Bob and Doug McKenzie.  He got hydrated, and had a good time with it.


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## jsheard100 (Aug 3, 2012)

"you'd never know it's my first day"


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## 11569150 (Sep 16, 2012)

My medic to a 90 yof were about to transport on an ift:  "He (pointing to me) will be your driver and I will be your eye candy today."

Pt after a long pause: "I think Id rather have you drive"


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## sirengirl (Sep 17, 2012)

11569150 said:


> My medic to a 90 yof were about to transport on an ift:  "He (pointing to me) will be your driver and I will be your eye candy today."
> 
> Pt after a long pause: "I think Id rather have you drive"



:lol:

While assisting a unit taking a bariatric (500lb+) patient (that I already took once today) for epilepsy.... Pt is constantly, continuously, with every ounce of every breath, saying, "Help me! Help me! Help me help me help meeee!! HhhheeEEEEELLLPPPP MEEEEeeee!!" because he is too large for even the bariatric stretcher. However, he's just doing it to make noise because he can accurately answer any question we ask him, and in fact the last time I dropped him off said, "Thank you very much, you did the best you could. I feel better now."

Standing on the CPR bench (because there is no room in the box) I look across the patient ("Help me! Help me!") at the medic who is in charge this time, who is in fact the hottest medic I've ever seen.

Me: "Wade?"

Pt: "Help me! Suhmbuhdy help me!"

(Wade is stretched out on the other bench, typing his narrative.) "Huh?"

Pt: "HhhhheeeeEEEELPPPp meee..."

Me: "Do you want to keep the bari stretcher tonight? Cause, as much as I love your gorgeous face, I don't wanna see it at 3am."

Pt: "Help me!! Help mmmeeeEEEEE!!"

Wade: "I don't have a gorgeous face. Unless I'm drunk, then I have a gorgeous face."

Pt: "No you don't!! Help me!!"

:rofl:


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## TheLocalMedic (Sep 17, 2012)

After picking a little old lady off the floor and helping her back to bed, my partner laid down on the floor where we found her and yelled "Well no wonder you didn't want to stay down there all night!  That's not comfortable at all!"


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## jediwill (Sep 18, 2012)

After setting up a nc for blowby positioned in front of the mouth cause the patient had facial trauma from a wreck my partner instructs the patient...…Partner:Bite it lick it or suck on it just keep it there...Me:That just sounds dirty.....


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## Anjel (Sep 18, 2012)

TheLocalMedic said:


> After picking a little old lady off the floor and helping her back to bed, my partner laid down on the floor where we found her and yelled "Well no wonder you didn't want to stay down there all night!  That's not comfortable at all!"



Ha. Now that's cute.


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## apagea99 (Sep 19, 2012)

I was working in the lab over the weekend and we always get a few people who are scared to death of needles. My squad leader told one of them that I was his best bet for a good stick since I wasn't drunk any more :wacko:


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## mospensa (Sep 19, 2012)

The thing I like about having soldiers as patients is that there isn't much you cannot say to them. 

"This wont hurt me one bit"

usually when they are nervous and ask me if im good at what ever procedure they are getting-

pt: "are you good at this? have you done it before?"
me: "I watched a guy do it once." or "this is my first day..." 

"Don't pass out on me"

describing how they got hurt over the weekend doing something stupid

"WTH MAN! SERIOUSLY! AND YOU DIDNT THINK THIS WOULD HAPPEN!"


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## MexDefender (Sep 20, 2012)

needs a partner to assist

trauma pt in pain on transport

me: at least you have a cool story to tell the ladies

partner: because having testicle trauma is something to brag about... 

pt laughed so hard he forgot he had pain until he tried to cross his legs...


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## NREMTPPrjDir (Feb 8, 2013)

Old person has fallen and doesn't seem hurt but is a little embarrased. Family will almost always tell you "My Mom she fell" I will look down, well what did you do that for. Almost everytime the person on the ground will grin and I get some variation, well I thought it would be something to do. It works so often and every new rookie I have is shocked. 

A wise man I know once told me, you don't have to know what to do, the people just have to think you do,


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## Ace 227 (Feb 13, 2013)

When transporting A&Ox4 little old ladies, I ask them not to beat me up in the back of the truck. That usually gets a smile.

Also, depending on the partner, I'll tell them they have the best looking crew on duty that day.


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## NiMiXeS (Mar 17, 2013)

I know we're asking you a lot of questions but that's why we call you patients! You have to be patient with our line of questioning


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## TheLocalMedic (Mar 20, 2013)

Darkcyn said:


> I keep a Magic 8 Ball in the truck.  When patients ask me something, (usually something dumb like "Am I going to die?" when they have a twisted ankle) it's /shakeshakeshake  "Signs point to yes."



Brilliant!  I'm so doing this on my next shift.  We have a Magic 8 Ball at our quarters that we frequently consult, so it's going with me on the ambulance!

I bought one of those 'We Reserve the Right to Refuse Service to Anyone' signs and put it up above the back doors.  When I had a patient who was giving me grief I'd point to it and say, "Better behave or you're walking the rest of the way!"


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## AzValley (Mar 31, 2013)

NiMiXeS said:


> I know we're asking you a lot of questions but that's why we call you patients! You have to be patient with our line of questioning



ani't that the truth


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## Cody1911 (May 6, 2013)

Got the stair chair out for a pt who just came back from the hospital. He was in his car in the passenger side, so this was a lift assist.

Paramedic said "sir just grab on to me like you are hugging me okay?" Put him in the chair... (She's attractive)

I wheel him inside his house, take off the straps. 
I said "alright sir I know I'm not very pretty but you're gonna have to hug me now"

Had some laughs


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## btkspot89 (May 27, 2013)

When it comes time for the patient/nurse to sign the Release information for insurance and billing, Ill frequently say "By signing this you are agreeing to pay my mortgage/ rent/ car payment  my kids college tuition etc.  That usually gets a chuckle.  Also if the patient has any bag going with them I'll usually say "This bag weighs over ____ pounds there is a $20 dollar surcharge for all carry on's above this amount. That gets them sometimes as well.


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## CritterNurse (May 28, 2013)

btkspot89 said:


> When it comes time for the patient/nurse to sign the Release information for insurance and billing, Ill frequently say "By signing this you are agreeing to pay my mortgage/ rent/ car payment  my kids college tuition etc.  That usually gets a chuckle.  Also if the patient has any bag going with them I'll usually say "This bag weighs over ____ pounds there is a $20 dollar surcharge for all carry on's above this amount. That gets them sometimes as well.



One time when having a patient sign, I said my usual "This just means that we didn't kidnap you, you went willingly, and agreed to the procedures we did. We won't be sharing your information with anyone who doesn't absolutely need it to do their jobs, and you consent for us to bill your insurance." After he signed, I grinned and added "Oh, and you pledge your firstborn son to us." which got a good chuckle out of him.


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## Wily (Jun 2, 2013)

If I happened to be the driver during a particular patient's transport, I'll ask them once we get to the destination if they had a smooth ride. They (usually) say "yes" and I look disappointed and say "I'll have to try harder on the next trip."


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## TheLocalMedic (Jun 5, 2013)

I typically work on weekends, so I get a few of the party crowd who seem to be half-clothed when we turn up.  

"Hey, no worries man, I wasn't wearing pants 10 minutes ago either."


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## medicrd (Jun 9, 2013)

I once has a preceptor tell every elderly patient to hold on because the ambulance "rides just like an old hay truck!" Cracked me up every time!


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## NomadicMedic (Jun 9, 2013)

I always told every pregnant woman that I transported that state law required her to name the child after the paramedic if the baby was born in the truck. I had a pretty good spiel for this and everyone believed it. It would get funny when I'd say, "so how do you feel about the name Ezekiel?" They'd say, "but it's a girl!" "That's okay," I'd reply, "Ezekia works, too."  

Always good for some laughs.


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## Achilles (Jun 9, 2013)

DEmedic said:


> I always told every pregnant woman that I transported that state law required her to name the child after the paramedic if the baby was born in the truck. I had a pretty good spiel for this and everyone believed it. It would get funny when I'd say, "so how do you feel about the name Ezekiel?" They'd say, "but it's a girl!" "That's okay," I'd reply, "Ezekia works, too."
> 
> Always good for some laughs.



Better than Gaylord.


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## NomadicMedic (Jun 10, 2013)

Achilles said:


> Better than Gaylord.



I didn't want to Focker those mothers. :/


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## EMT2B (Jul 25, 2013)

I don't (yet) work in EMS (soon, I hope!), but I do work with little kids (up to age 5).  Whenever one of them gets hurt, I pick them up and say something about the ambulance taking them inside for a Band-Aid.  I'll usually make a siren sound and "drive" them around in a circle or a figure-8 to the door.  I always offer to let them "clean" the abrasion with a cold-water soaked paper towel or I give them one or two of my fingers and tell them to squeeze as hard as they want.  Depending on where I am, and how old the kid is, I also tell them they can yell as much as they want while I get stuff clean.  I also *NEVER* say "This won't hurt," even if it won't.  I always hated that as a kid.  On occasion, I'll even let the kid hit me (in the upper arm) if it hurts.  Can't wait till I can tell the Little Old Ladies that.  LoL


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## Mariemt (Jul 25, 2013)

I drove on a transfer and the guy had plenty of narcs in him for pain.
As we were leaving I helped get him ready in the back and told him I was going  up front to drive. Feel free to throw his hands in the air on the hills and wave them like he just don't care.

He did

I have told people they have the best crew on, don't worry. The ugly ones are off that day.
Rate pain 1 to 10. 1 being a mosquito bit you to 10 Omg I stepped on a lego


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## goosecrane (Sep 29, 2013)

I always tell my anxious IV PT's. "Don't worry, I promise I won't feel a thing."


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## unleashedfury (Oct 2, 2013)

My regular partner usually tells elderly women "if you really wanted two young strapping men to show up all you had to do is call" 

When having patients sign the release form I tell them this is so I can't sell your information to the Russians. 

When I hope in back sometimes if its the patients first time. I'll say wow So this is what the back of a ambulance looks like 

When I was on clinical our polo's say paramedic student on it. The one patient said yeah you need to stick me for an IV you ambulance guys know what your doing. I said not really but I slept at a holiday inn express last night


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## NBFFD2433 (Nov 2, 2013)

One time I went to a call of a pt that hit her head


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## IslandTime (Nov 2, 2013)

NBFFD2433 said:


> One time I went to a call of a pt that hit her head



And?      Or did another punch line just whoosh over my head?


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## yoshgoodman (Apr 23, 2015)

As my teacher always says: 
When placing a mouth thermometer to a patient: 
Ask the patient: Do you know the different between mouth and anal thermometer?
Answer: The taste


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## Summit (Apr 23, 2015)

Starting an IV/foley/dsg change: "Please think all the bad thoughts you want about me, but just don't tell me."

Removing a foley/central line/art line: "It will feel funny, but this is better than putting it in." or "If I'm taking something out of you, it means you are getting better."


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## OnceAnEMT (Apr 23, 2015)

This thread is a gem, never seen it before. Good laughs.

When transporting from the ED to the floors some of our rooms have doors too narrow to exit with the bed rails up, so I often say, "Alright, I am going to drop the rails for just a second, don't fall out on me. I like my job." I do the "hands and feet in at all times" as well.

When a Pt asks for a pillow (these use to be a rare find in our ED) I would bring one back saying I had to steal it from an old lady next door, so don't tell anyone where you got it.

We are a level IV trauma center so we get the small traumas via EMS or anything POV. If its nothing life threatening and the Pt is school, I usually walk in as first contact, look at them, shut the door, and say "Alright, if anyone outside this ER asks what happen, you saying burning orphanage. Alright? Now lets practice. Ok. Good. Now, just to be able to tell the Doc, what happened?"


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## Brandon O (Apr 23, 2015)

Grimes said:


> When transporting from the ED to the floors some of our rooms have doors too narrow to exit with the bed rails up



... what?!

Edit: oh jeez, HOSPITAL beds, not a stretcher...


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## OnceAnEMT (Apr 24, 2015)

Brandon O said:


> ... what?!
> 
> Edit: oh jeez, HOSPITAL beds, not a stretcher...



Or bari stretcher!?

No. Yeah, hospital beds. Well, more like surgery beds. Our ED beds are not the fancy electric blowup 16 way beds they have upstairs that they can't even work. We have a Stryker bed that is all manual and big enough to hold a bari patient. The rails stick out about 3 inches on each side when deployed, so we have to drop them for our closed rooms. Not sure who oopsed on that doorway design.


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## MonkeyArrow (Apr 28, 2015)

Grimes said:


> Or bari stretcher!?
> 
> No. Yeah, hospital beds. Well, more like surgery beds. Our ED beds are not the fancy electric blowup 16 way beds they have upstairs that they can't even work. We have a Stryker bed that is all manual and big enough to hold a bari patient. The rails stick out about 3 inches on each side when deployed, so we have to drop them for our closed rooms. Not sure who oopsed on that doorway design.


That sounds like some of our doorways. You have to line it up just right with the rails up to pass, and even then, the rails still scrape the door on the way by. And it only happens on the doors in remote parts of the hospital, where the transporter is all alone and it looks like an annex building. I have to wonder, can't they budget the extra 3 or 4 inches to make the pass a bit easier.


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## OnceAnEMT (Apr 28, 2015)

MonkeyArrow said:


> That sounds like some of our doorways. You have to line it up just right with the rails up to pass, and even then, the rails still scrape the door on the way by. And it only happens on the doors in remote parts of the hospital, where the transporter is all alone and it looks like an annex building. I have to wonder, can't they budget the extra 3 or 4 inches to make the pass a bit easier.



But then we couldn't afford cell phones issued to staff members on shift... or leather chairs in the oh-so-used physician's break room...

I hear ya. Many a scrape on our doors from transporters using the rails as a fulcrum or just grinding their way past. 

Pt comes in POV with a knee injury post 4x4 accident. He was put in quick care. Quick assessment and observation of the wound prompted someone to page a trauma alert, because he technically met criteria, and they didn't care to question the fact. So as I am sitting there collecting more of a history, we hear "Attention, attention. Trauma Alert, ED Bed C. Trauma Alert, ED, Bed C." I look back at the Pt and his friend and sternly say, "Look what you did. You're famous!" as 2 nurses from separate sections, x-ray, and RT come into the room behind me. I just nod and smile, waving everyone away, making it my mission to find out who on earth called it. The Pt's friend got a hoot out of the completely unnecessary chaos.


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## Martyn (Oct 2, 2015)

With a 68 yo female patient other day, got to the bit about past pertinent Hx...she reeled off the usual long list. When she finished I shouted out to my partner 'Hey Andrew, this patient is f****d, slow down while I open the doors and push her out' The look on my partners face was classic and the patient nearly wet herself laughing.


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## Traumaholic (Oct 3, 2015)

Hi I will be in the back with you to the ER I need the experience. Dont worry I couldnt possibly drop two pt's in a row the same day.


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## Jondruby (Oct 26, 2015)

Had a PT this summer who was working alone doing some sheetrock work in a building, fell of 6ft scaffold; shattered ulna, broke end of radius off, Broke hip ball, crushed hip socket, and factured his pelvis. I asked him how long he had been laying there he said about an hour, I said where were the other guys at? Breakfast? He says, Yeah at breakfast. I say, "Dude, you should've went to breakfast." He chuckled a little bit although he was in lots of pain.  I stayed in ER to help out where I could. Tell the guys to take care, he says, "Thanks, I hope I dont have to see you again." Me too Dude.


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## chaz90 (Oct 26, 2015)

Jondruby said:


> Had a PT this summer who was working alone doing some sheetrock work in a building, fell of 6ft scaffold; shattered ulna, broke end of radius off, Broke hip ball, crushed hip socket, and factured his pelvis. I asked him how long he had been laying there he said about an hour, I said where were the other guys at? Breakfast? He says, Yeah at breakfast. I say, "Dude, you should've went to breakfast." He chuckled a little bit although he was in lots of pain.  I stayed in ER to help out where I could. Tell the guys to take care, he says, "Thanks, I hope I dont have to see you again." Me too Dude.


Osteogenesis imperfecta anyone? Dude sounds like he has a skeletal system made of balsa wood.


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## Jondruby (Oct 26, 2015)

chaz90 said:


> Osteogenesis imperfecta anyone? Dude sounds like he has a skeletal system made of balsa wood.


 Yeah, He actually tried to jump from the scaffold because it rolled under him. Came down on his hip tried to catch himself with his arm...snap. Happens all the time, watch skateboarders on youtube. Basically the scaffold rolled out from under him, and he tried to jump over a squirrel cage fan on the gound, landed right on concrete. At least I didnt say, "Maybe next time you should use the brakes on the scaffold." Im pretty sure he will next time.


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## spudz (Nov 17, 2015)

My friend always told me if the patient is younger mid-to-late 20's he says, "Hi, I'm doctor Nick!" and if they are a Simpsons fan get a kick.


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## Mills2297 (Mar 14, 2016)

When our paramedic is getting ready to poke for the IV he always yells out to the driver and anyone else in the back " did anyone ever watch the IV instruction video?"  or " This is gonna hurt you more than me" haha


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## Conditionsboss (Mar 14, 2016)

Mills2297 said:


> When our paramedic is getting ready to poke for the IV he always yells out to the driver and anyone else in the back " did anyone ever watch the IV instruction video?"  or " This is gonna hurt you more than me" haha


Lol


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## sack jears (Sep 4, 2016)

Ace 227 said:


> When transporting A&Ox4 little old ladies, I ask them not to beat me up in the back of the truck. That usually gets a smile.
> 
> Also, depending on the partner, I'll tell them they have the best looking crew on duty that day.



My friend said that to an old woman during his assessment and she actually stabbed him lol


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## gotbeerz001 (Sep 4, 2016)

I have asked LOLs with various body pain whether they have fallen, lifted something heavy or competed in extreme pullup challenges recently. 


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## gotbeerz001 (Sep 4, 2016)

Mills2297 said:


> When our paramedic is getting ready to poke for the IV he always yells out to the driver and anyone else in the back " did anyone ever watch the IV instruction video?"  or " This is gonna hurt you more than me" haha


"Don't worry, I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night"


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