# Being an EMT and married



## chillyFF (Oct 28, 2008)

All right I'm new to this site.  Just curious to get adviced from the the "older guys".  I just got married a couple of months ago to an artist.  So in other words she has no true understanding of EMS.  I guess in short anyone who is married knows what I'm trying to say and knows the frustration of trying to be a family man, EMT, and medic student.  Any adviced welcomed.


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## makphisto (Oct 28, 2008)

When I approached my advisor about going on to become a Medic, he said "EMS stands for Every Marriage Suffers."  He said that often spouses don't want to hear about stories of how you cleared a stoma today, or how you couldn't save that baby, because it's too hard on them.  So, you find someone that will listen.  I got the feeling that he spoke from experience.

But everyone is different.  You have to find what works for you.


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## stephenrb81 (Oct 28, 2008)

Not sure if I qualify as an "Older Guy", I'm 27 and recently married.  She understood my crazy work schedules back when we first started dating. Even once we got married we actually only got about two nights a week home together.  Her schedule is more hectic that mine lol (She's supervisor in a home health service that tends to non-elderly with physical/mental handicaps that live outside of group homes)

Before I even began the application process for Medic school, I explained everything to her.....How much I wanted to do this, How much my student loan will be, How I'll be spending a butt-load in gas driving to/from a school that is an hour one-way, How long the program is, and how I'll have to do ~700hours of clinicals and once those begin I would have to cut back on my shifts and use that time for clinicals so it might not make a huge difference in "Our" time but we might feel the punch in the wallet.

I'm in the clinical phase now and it really isnt interfering much with spending time together.  I'm not falling behind in clinical hours, and I'm actually not having a problem getting my required contacts/procedures.  We are feeling it a bit in the bank account but she's working a little extra when she can for some extra cash.

Come spring when I'm done, we will switch places.  I will work a little extra while she cuts back so she can go to nursing school


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## Oregon (Oct 28, 2008)

Not a family "man" but I've been married 14 years, been an EMT for a while, and am a chronic student, so maybe I qualify.
Students are annoying.
I don't care what you are taking classes in, you are annoying to friends, family and spouses.
Gain some perspective, and stop bringing school home with you.  Be the person she married, (interested in her, doing things with her, and what she did today.)

So she has no true understanding of EMS.   Big deal.  You probably have no true understanding of art.

I know you are investing in your future by being a medic student, but you need to invest in your marriage as well.  You do have time to do both, even though it may not seem like it.  Take the time, do more than your fair share, and when you get old and rundown from the stress, she'll take care of you instead of shuffling you off to a second rate nursing home and blowing your pension at the track.


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## firecoins (Oct 28, 2008)

Its illegal in most states but there are some activists outthere marching for the right.  Someday.  Someday.


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## Sasha (Oct 28, 2008)

firecoins said:


> Its illegal in most states but there are some activists outthere marching for the right.  Someday.  Someday.



Hopefully some day im still alive to see! <3


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## csly27 (Oct 28, 2008)

Well I guess I may be lucky when it comes to that, even though I am only a student my husband is very supportive of what I want to do and he also encourges me and helps me study and quizes me. After emt-b it will be fire acadamy then medic school. He understands the give and take. He is also a military man so when he is home great when he is not it sucks, but see we have  great communication and thats one of the most important factors, if you lose that well your screwed.


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## TransportJockey (Oct 28, 2008)

I"m engaged to another EMT who will be entering medic school a semester after me. It doesn't seem too much better if your signifigant other is involved in the career.


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## JonTullos (Oct 28, 2008)

*How'd your SO take it*

I talked to my fiance tonight about wanting to do an EMT class and she acted less than thrilled about it.  She didn't outright say that she didn't want me to do it but also acted like she'd rather I didn't.  I'm sure we'll talk about it more at some point in the next couple of days but I'm not really sure how she's taking it.  At any rate, I was just wondering if anyone had been or is in my boat.  How did your significant other react when you told them you wanted to be an EMT/medic?


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## stephenrb81 (Oct 28, 2008)

This is kind of discussed in another active thread:
http://emtlife.com/showthread.php?t=9665



Here is my post from it, I believe it applies here:



stephenrb81 said:


> Not sure if I qualify as an "Older Guy", I'm 27 and recently married.  She understood my crazy work schedules back when we first started dating. Even once we got married we actually only got about two nights a week home together.  Her schedule is more hectic that mine lol (She's supervisor in a home health service that tends to non-elderly with physical/mental handicaps that live outside of group homes)
> 
> Before I even began the application process for Medic school, I explained everything to her.....How much I wanted to do this, How much my student loan will be, How I'll be spending a butt-load in gas driving to/from a school that is an hour one-way, How long the program is, and how I'll have to do ~700hours of clinicals and once those begin I would have to cut back on my shifts and use that time for clinicals so it might not make a huge difference in "Our" time but we might feel the punch in the wallet.
> 
> ...


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## JonTullos (Oct 28, 2008)

*Oops*

Oh, sorry I didn't see the other thread.


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## Sapphyre (Oct 28, 2008)

First off, I'm female.

My husband is a teacher, with no true understanding of EMS (but, god what a whacker anyway ).  The schedule bothers him, and when I enter medic school, he'll have the same issues with lack of time together.  But, we talk, a lot, on my days off.  I work nights, but on my days off, I spend as much time with him as possible.  I do NOT talk about work, unless he asks.  It's give and take, and you'll have to give a bit more, and take a bit less.


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## chillyFF (Oct 28, 2008)

I was just a little frustrated with things when I posted, so I appreciate the different view points


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## JonTullos (Oct 28, 2008)

This thread is relevant to my interests.  Sorry that I didn't see it when I started a similar one in the lounge.  At any rate, I'm appreciative of advice too.  I talked to my fiance about doing a basic class and she seemed less than thrilled.


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## Sapphyre (Oct 28, 2008)

Well, Jon, what were her concerns?  You're going to have to do your best to ally (grr, right spelling?) her fears.


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## ffemt8978 (Oct 28, 2008)

Threads merged and moved to the Lounge.


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## JonTullos (Oct 28, 2008)

Sapphyre said:


> Well, Jon, what were her concerns?  You're going to have to do your best to ally (grr, right spelling?) her fears.



I'll have to get back to you on that; she hasn't really expressed specific concerns yet.  Main thing was how she seemed to feel (attitude, etc.).  I'm going to talk to her more about it tonight but I'm sure we all know what it is... "what will it do to our budget," "what about shifts," etc.  Most of the agencies in the area work 24 on, 48 off so I'm sure she's concerned with time together not to mention money (I would actually make about the same as I do now based on what I've found out).


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## tatersalad (Oct 29, 2008)

I'm just getting started in EMS, so can't comment on that. However, I've been involved in Marriage x2 for over 20 years. The second shift is going much better than the first, largely because I support her in what she wants to do and vice versa. If you give up something you want to do because of someone else, there will be resentment. period.

I'm just now getting started in EMS because it was one of the things I didn't do to keep the peace in marriage # 1.

Good luck to you, on both fronts.

tatersalad


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## flhtci01 (Oct 29, 2008)

*Communication is important.*

My wife doesn't understand EMS but knows how important it is to me. She has less problem with my paid gig that the vollie one.  

If I am working, I try to call to talk to the kids (3 under 7y/o) before bedtime and find out about her day. 

We also sit down with our schedules at the beginning of the month to determine when we have days off together and what we might do on those days.


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## JonTullos (Oct 29, 2008)

Well, we talked last night and she doesn't seem as down on it as she did before.  She now wants me to find out how much tuition and fees for the class will be, ride along time, etc.  Her biggest concern is that I'll have to find a different job due to scheduling conflicts.  Likely I could be a dispatcher so I'm thinking that will work out.  Anyway, thanks for your advice and I will keep taking any that anyone would like to offer.

Jon


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## mycrofft (Oct 29, 2008)

*Married and still at it 34 yrs later*

Firefighter years 2 through 5. EMT years 4 through 11. Military years 1.5 through 23 (four years active, three months Desert Storm stateside, eighteen yrs reserve). 23 years as a nurse.

So...rule 1 is your marriage or partnership has to come first. One bad back injury, ethical slip, or other poor luck/action, and EMS is gone. Too old...gone. Get burned out...gone.  Marriage: if you're lucky and work at it sometimes, for the rest of your lives.
Besides, did you take an oath to honor til death EMS? No. Cherish and  comfort it? No. And beleive me, it didn't do that for you.

Be clear about what you want and need to your partner/spouse, but be as sure as you can about what you want or need and have plan B ready so you can carry your weight.


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## HokieEMT (Oct 29, 2008)

I am in no way a married man or a family man seeing that I am 20 and still in college but I can share my observations as a kid in a house where both parents are medical professionals.  My dad is a former career FF/PM and now a Emergency Medicine PA of almost 10 years.  My mom is an RN having done numerous nursing fields. It seemed to make life easier for them since they could both talk about their days and understand each other while me and my sis were left with blank stares.  It is very demanding on a family, but my mom found a remedy to that by making frequent visits with us to the station for dinner or just to spend time together.  My dad's last year in the department we spent part of Christmas Day at the station playing a new board game.  Now that my dad has moved into the private sector life has become less hectic and for the first time in 24 yrs of marriage my parents were able to sleep with each other every night of a month.  So yeah it can be very taxing on a family and marriage but as long as you have found the right one it will all work out in the end.


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## HokieEMT (Oct 29, 2008)

Another addition.  Being in a family like mine afforded quite a few opportunities to be witness to some extraordinary things.  I was at the airshow at Martin State Airport when the F-117 lost a part of its wing and crashed.  The reason I was there was because my day had picked up duty at the Airshow and I was standing right next to my dad with my mom and sis when it happened and my dad just kissed my mom bye and rushed off to do his job.  If you want more of the story just PM me, but I would have never been there had it not been for my dad being in the Fire Department.


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## mycrofft (Oct 30, 2008)

*Hokie, we don't think about our kids in this. Thanks!!*

.............


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## BossyCow (Oct 30, 2008)

It doesn't matter if your SO is in the same field as long as you are on the same page with the need to discuss or not discuss work issues. If you want your SO to be interested in what you do, stop first and ask yourself if you are interested in what they do. 

It's not as important to be able to sense that your partner is mad at you as it is being willing to sit down and figure out what about that topic has them mad. Typical exchange is the whacker who comes back from every call and regales the spouse with "How cool" all this was and how much blood and guts and details about who did what and how. Spouse gets upset... whacker assumes.. 'she hates it when I talk about EMS' when the whole issue may have been that she was up with the baby, or trying to get the kids off to school and the EMS show was just being put on at the wrong time. 

EMS can be very exciting. Marriage has a lot of very boring, unexciting, obligations associated with it. We need to make sure that all the excitement isn't devoted to EMS and all the boring put to the marriage. I'm going on 26 years with my FF/EMT-P husband. I survived his whacker phase and then he endured mine. But our success in our marriage has very little to do with our mutual participation in EMS. It has to do with us being friends who like to spend time with each other.


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## ErinCooley (Oct 31, 2008)

Its been quite a challenge for us.

I was a stay at home mom and wife for all of our 7 year marriage before going on an ambulance.  My hubby has become Mr. Mom 1/3 of the time.  We have a core respect and love that has gotten us this far (I'm 7 months into my job) we dont talk about my job much, but more importantly, we trust each other.


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## rjz (Oct 31, 2008)

*I married into the profession.*

Thank-god. My wife grew up in the house of a forest service FF. Her dad was gone most of the summer and she understands. My wife also spent a season as a CDF FF and was a "whacker" right along with me when we got out of high school and became vollies together. We have been married 7 years now been hanging out for 3 additonal years. She stays home with the kids now and understands that I work extra to keep her home. She is truely my best friend and we talk about everything. I always make an attempt to let her tell me about her day before I tell her about mine. My wife and two kids are # 1 and everything else comes after that. 

Check out the movie "Fire Proof" it is about a failing marriage in emergency services and the things that partners have to do to make each other happy. The in station scenes are OK. I had to commit to my wife not to tear the movie apart from a tech. side in order to see it. I am glad we did and I can honestly say that our marriage is better since we saw it. 

with some good luck and a lot of hard work marriage can work.


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## AMPEMT85 (Nov 1, 2008)

*two in, two out*

I'm engaged to a long time volunteer and seasonal ff/EMT. we met when I took my EMT class and started hanging out when I came back to help teach the class with him the next semester. We've been friends since 2007 and seemed to have both decided that our relationships with other people weren't going anywhere. He is supporting me emotionally through the process of getting through the county volunteer fire academy (my parents aren't), and I love hearing about his fire calls in CDF and his EMT calls too.

We both have a passion for helping other people, that's why I fell for him...and his sick sense of humor that is very much like mine. We know that when he goes to paramedic school it'll be tough, especially since we're just starting out, but we have faith that everything will work out if we just stick together and plan ahead.

I think it's important that I have someone at home who I can talk to about a difficult call that will understand what I'm feeling and I know how important that is to him too and I'm more than willing to help him through anything.

I enjoyed reading this thread, it helped reassure me that even though fire/EMS service is tough, it doesn't have to make your marriage suffer, as long as you're understanding and communicate. I'm ready to spend my life with him...and I know he can't wait to finally tie the knot!
We always say two in, two out. We go into this together and we're not going out alone, no matter what it takes, we'll make it through anything together.

^_^


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## aussieemt1980 (Nov 2, 2008)

I have a wife, 2 kids, work as an ambo and I am studying at uni, so I can get very busy. The best advice I can give is to try and include your wife in your work life as much as possible, tell her about your day, the people that you helped and the bad calls. I have found that I need a family to bounce my day off as it is a great debriefing method and gives your wife a way to relate to your work life.

If you have a bad call, get help for it and dont take it home as baggage. I leave my work in the locker when ever I can and dont take it out on the family!


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## Tincanfireman (Nov 8, 2008)

In the 28 years my dear wife and I have been together, I have been affiliated with 10 different fire departments, a volunteer rescue squad and 2 EMS providers (911 and convalescent). I was career Air Force Fire Protection, then I retired and went right back into airport firefighting, as well as a part time EMS gig. In that time, I have had hundreds of co-workers, responses, and experiences.  The only constant in my life has been the love of that woman. Keep your priorities straight, and you'll have a similar story to tell a young married EMT in a few decades from now. Yes, I have been blessed, and I know it...


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## awhiting (Nov 9, 2008)

*Communication is KEY!*

Talking about it with your significant other is crucial. I decided almost a year ago to start this whirlwind carreer path. I made sure we had an understanding and that she was totally onboard prior to me making the commitment. So far so good....I've done EMT, volunteer fire acadamey/probie year, and paramedic school (13 weeks in) in the span of 8 months with a newborn (not so much a newborn now).

We've had out moments but make sure nothing stays "bottled up" if you know what I mean.

Hope things are going good.


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