# What got me....



## armywifeemt (Oct 13, 2014)

It wasn't that he died, though it caught me a little off guard since he was talking to us when we loaded him. I knew when my partners starting doing CPR in the back and told me to get there yesterday that cardiac arrest in a trauma patient was not a good sign. 

What really ****ed with my head was his wife turning back to look at my partners and begging him not to leave her. It was her screaming and crying when they told her in the ER that they had done all they could and that he wasn't coming back. 

At this point, I'm at a loss. I feel like hell warmed over. I'm not the same person I was when I woke up yesterday. How do I bounce back?


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## Chimpie (Oct 13, 2014)

By talking it out. Talking with us, talking with your partner, talking with your supervisors. Don't keep it bottled up.

We can't save them all. No one can. Sometimes it's just their time to go.


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## planetmike (Oct 13, 2014)

I’m sorry you experienced this. We’re here for you. But talking with people in your agency can help as well.


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## PotatoMedic (Oct 13, 2014)

As others have said talk to your partner.  Ask your company if they have an employee assistance program where they can refer you to a therapist.  If not give these guys a call and they should be able to give you some guidance.
http://safecallnow.org


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## joshrunkle35 (Oct 13, 2014)

It sucks to be in the middle of that and want to help so much, but be unable to do anything. It can leave you feeling helpless or hopeless. Try to remember that death is a part of everyone's life. It's kind of like a patient pooping themselves: it sucks for them, it sucks for you, but it's a part of everyone's life. When you share the special bond of being able to care for someone, we usually think of rescuing or saving them. Being able to help a patient privately clean poop of of themselves and them knowing that you're not going to wander and talk about it is a really special thing for that patient and you can help them simply by being willing to help, perhaps even more than actually helping. In a similar way, death is "sh$&y". But, it can really help a family to heal when they know that you cared enough to be there and do everything possible for the patient. Death may be very emotional for all involved, but your simply being there and putting in an effort can be just as important as the results at the end of the day (whether they live or die).


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## Gurby (Oct 13, 2014)

It rarely bothers me when a patient dies, but seeing the family gets me every time.


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## armywifeemt (Oct 13, 2014)

I might be kind of an ******* but I feel like he knew the risks when he decided to participate in the activity that resulted in his injuries. We did everything we could with the resources we had available and according to the ER if his injury had occurred on an OR table, survival still would have been a longshot. 

Honestly, it was his wife... I could happily go the rest of my life without ever hearing someone cry like that again, though I know I will not. It's the sound I couldn't stop hearing when I shut my eyes to try to sleep last night. 

Today I was sitting in one of my college classes and our professor asked us about how our weekend was and asked if we did anything fun and I almost broke down. There were tears in my eyes. I wanted to slap her for acting like the world was a happy normal place... and I actually like this professor. I feel like I shouldn't be such a wreck over this. I am pre-med. I want to work in a pediatric ER. I will experience worse than this, and I know it... I'm questioning everything now.


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## Gurby (Oct 13, 2014)

armywifeemt said:


> Today I was sitting in one of my college classes and our professor asked us about how our weekend was and asked if we did anything fun and I almost broke down. There were tears in my eyes. I wanted to slap her for acting like the world was a happy normal place.



I know the feeling.  I once did CPR on an immediate family member and we didn't get them back.  I had some commitments the following day, and all day I couldn't deal with how petty and trivial and stupid and pointless everyone I met was.  It's a strange thing that the world keeps on going and nobody knows.


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## joshrunkle35 (Oct 13, 2014)

armywifeemt said:


> I might be kind of an ******* but I feel like he knew the risks when he decided to participate in the activity that resulted in his injuries. We did everything we could with the resources we had available and according to the ER if his injury had occurred on an OR table, survival still would have been a longshot.
> 
> Honestly, it was his wife... I could happily go the rest of my life without ever hearing someone cry like that again, though I know I will not. It's the sound I couldn't stop hearing when I shut my eyes to try to sleep last night.
> 
> Today I was sitting in one of my college classes and our professor asked us about how our weekend was and asked if we did anything fun and I almost broke down. There were tears in my eyes. I wanted to slap her for acting like the world was a happy normal place... and I actually like this professor. I feel like I shouldn't be such a wreck over this. I am pre-med. I want to work in a pediatric ER. I will experience worse than this, and I know it... I'm questioning everything now.



I'm also in premed and I've also had days like that before. Sucks. You're not alone.

Does your company/service have a Critical Incident Stress Management or Critical Incident Stress Debriefing Team?


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## OnceAnEMT (Oct 13, 2014)

Gurby said:


> I know the feeling.  I once did CPR on an immediate family member and we didn't get them back.  I had some commitments the following day, and all day I couldn't deal with how petty and trivial and stupid and pointless everyone I met was.  It's a strange thing that the world keeps on going and nobody knows.



And this is another very good point. Take solace in the fact that you are one of the few people that are willing to help someone in need, let alone run a code on them. There will be losses, but use that as a learning opportunity and move on. What went well on the call? What could you have done better? What would you do differently/the same next time? Ask yourself those questions, answer them, then turn the page. Someone else will need your help soon too.


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## armywifeemt (Oct 14, 2014)

joshrunkle35 said:


> I'm also in premed and I've also had days like that before. Sucks. You're not alone.
> 
> Does your company/service have a Critical Incident Stress Management or Critical Incident Stress Debriefing Team?



I work for a private company that is honestly not at all concerned with the well being of its employees. We are a dime a dozen. They pay us crap, treat us like crap, and run us into the ground. A couple weeks ago they put me on a 24 hour shift with someone who was a non-driver and then ran us back to back all day. They don't have a CISD system in place like the fire departments I've been a part of. I'm going to speak with someone at the counseling center at my college tomorrow. I don't usually run with the crew I was with on Sunday, so its hard to find an opportunity to talk with them, though we did exchange phone numbers at least. I feel even worse for one of them - he had a rough night at the fire department on Saturday so he went into this shift feeling lousy. 

I got some sleep last night and I am feeling a little better. I have to go back into work today, though, and I'm honestly dreading putting my uniform back on and getting into another ambulance.


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## Chimpie (Oct 14, 2014)

armywifeemt said:


> I got some sleep last night and I am feeling a little better. I have to go back into work today, though, and I'm honestly dreading putting my uniform back on and getting into another ambulance.


One day at a time, one day at a time.


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## joshrunkle35 (Oct 14, 2014)

armywifeemt said:


> I work for a private company that is honestly not at all concerned with the well being of its employees. We are a dime a dozen. They pay us crap, treat us like crap, and run us into the ground. A couple weeks ago they put me on a 24 hour shift with someone who was a non-driver and then ran us back to back all day. They don't have a CISD system in place like the fire departments I've been a part of. I'm going to speak with someone at the counseling center at my college tomorrow. I don't usually run with the crew I was with on Sunday, so its hard to find an opportunity to talk with them, though we did exchange phone numbers at least. I feel even worse for one of them - he had a rough night at the fire department on Saturday so he went into this shift feeling lousy.
> 
> I got some sleep last night and I am feeling a little better. I have to go back into work today, though, and I'm honestly dreading putting my uniform back on and getting into another ambulance.



Perhaps you could use your experience as the catalyst to help start one at your company for the next person. It doesn't really cost the company any money. I mean, you guys could get a team of willing people together and people in need in the future could simply contact the team and they could all meet at a Starbucks or something. It doesn't need to be that formal, just people who have been through something similar who can understand your situation and can talk it through. Also, education should be there that you guys should climb in the back of the ambulance and discuss it immediately after the incident before you mark "in-service". CISD would hopefully be on-scene, within 24 hours and within 1 week.

For your sake: even talking to a friend who doesn't really understand can still help.


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## Tigger (Oct 14, 2014)

The Code Green Campaign maintains a list of resources that might point you in the direction of the help you are looking for. They also provide an anonymous place to share your story if you think that might help.


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## Chewy20 (Oct 14, 2014)

armywifeemt said:


> I work for a private company that is honestly not at all concerned with the well being of its employees. We are a dime a dozen. They pay us crap, treat us like crap, and run us into the ground. A couple weeks ago they put me on a 24 hour shift with someone who was a non-driver and then ran us back to back all day. They don't have a CISD system in place like the fire departments I've been a part of. I'm going to speak with someone at the counseling center at my college tomorrow. I don't usually run with the crew I was with on Sunday, so its hard to find an opportunity to talk with them, though we did exchange phone numbers at least. I feel even worse for one of them - he had a rough night at the fire department on Saturday so he went into this shift feeling lousy.
> 
> I got some sleep last night and I am feeling a little better. I have to go back into work today, though, and I'm honestly dreading putting my uniform back on and getting into another ambulance.


 
The call that stuck with my is when a toddler was screaming for their mom who eventually passed, so I know how you're feeling about all that. After a few days I stopped thinking about it, it helped to hangout with friends a lot. Best thing for me was to just hangout with friends. Just don't keep anything bottled up, even by talking about it on here you helped yourself without even knowing it.


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## Household6 (Oct 15, 2014)

Worst part of the job, I think we'll all agree.. The last CA I worked was on the husband of a friend.. When I gave the "we've done everything" speech, her screaming made me feel like I crushed her soul. I had to hold her while she crumpled to the floor screaming, it was horrible.

But, someone has to do it.. I know that I'm compassionate, and mature enough to be a gentle buffer to families when breaking that kind of news. In those situations, I have to tell myself that I really DID DO all I could, and they're lucky to have someone as tenderhearted as me to cry on.

It still pulls my chordae tendineae when I walk into a bathroom and lock eyes with a senior on the floor who can't get up.

If it didn't bother you, there'd be something wrong.


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## drjekyl75 (Oct 25, 2014)

I had another, "What got me" moment this past week. I've been doing this for awhile so most things don't bother me, but we were dispatched to a local Medical Imaging office. They wanted transport to the ER following x-rays on a 5 year old girl. Long story short she complained of pain in her left arm for 3 days. Grandma took her to get the x-ray and she has a distal humerus fracture. While shooting the exam the tech notice bruises on her arm. I roll up her sleeve to see 3 burn marks from cigarettes being put out on her forearm. Police are called, we do a little further exam and she has bruises to her back from what appears to be being whipped with something. I'll never understand child abuse, this is a beautiful little girl who just turned 5. How anyone can beat a child is beyond me. Calls like this still anger me to no end, and I'm actually really glad her parents weren't there because I wanted to punch this girl's dad in the worst possible way.


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## Rick Tresnak (Oct 25, 2014)

It is the realization that we are human. We try our best to do good.  We loose some. We save some.


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## lifeway (Oct 26, 2014)

armywifeemt said:


> It wasn't that he died, though it caught me a little off guard since he was talking to us when we loaded him. I knew when my partners starting doing CPR in the back and told me to get there yesterday that cardiac arrest in a trauma patient was not a good sign.
> 
> What really ****** with my head was his wife turning back to look at my partners and begging him not to leave her. It was her screaming and crying when they told her in the ER that they had done all they could and that he wasn't coming back.
> 
> At this point, I'm at a loss. I feel like hell warmed over. I'm not the same person I was when I woke up yesterday. How do I bounce back?



I had a similar call where a patient died during transfer. It wasn't his death that hit so hard but trying to comfort his wife in the back who went hysterical. It made me feel so inadequate when there wasn't much I could do for her except to say I was sorry. I never forgot that call but talking with my partner I worked with really helped.


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## Apple Bill (Dec 30, 2014)

It's not the trauma or the death, it's the emotions involved that are hard.  

We lost a little girl in a house fire not long ago.  It was sad, but I moved on.  Then at the CISD I learned that she hadn't succumbed to the smoke in her sleep as I had thought, but was found in a position to suggestion crawling to the door.  I had a harder time with it after learning that, because I put myself in her scared little head.  

I hear you.  It's the screaming parent or spouse that will cut to the quick.


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## Leatherpuke (Jan 11, 2015)

Worked on a civilian casualty in Iraq on my first deployment. Massive multi system trauma from picking up an IED and it went off in his hands. He was brought in by two of his family members in the back of a pickup truck. They were screaming, crying, and praying in Arabic but it was pretty clear what they were saying without needing a translator. " This is all your fault!" The look of blame and hate in their eyes is something that will stay with me, even though I had nothing to do with the incident that caused it. Oddly enough, it was that incident that helped me decide on EMS as my post-Army career.


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## Jim37F (Jan 11, 2015)

Leatherpuke said:


> Worked on a civilian casualty in Iraq on my first deployment. Massive multi system trauma from picking up an IED and it went off in his hands. He was brought in by two of his family members in the back of a pickup truck. They were screaming, crying, and praying in Arabic but it was pretty clear what they were saying without needing a translator. " This is all your fault!" The look of blame and hate in their eyes is something that will stay with me, even though I had nothing to do with the incident that caused it. Oddly enough, it was that incident that helped me decide on EMS as my post-Army career.


I have almost the exact same story, except it was in Afghanistan. While a shepherd was moving his flock on the outskirts of the village, one of his kids saw something shiny on the ground and started to play with it. We figured it was an unexploded 40mm....we ended up flying out 3 or 4 of the family. I had CLS, figured I could do buddy aid no problem if the need arose, but this..I just froze. Had no idea what to do. Our two 18Deltas who were our camp medics performed flawlessly, not just with the injuries, but even with me, "Hey I need you to go grab this, I need you to do that.." kept me moving and working.

The local village tended to use us as their de facto trauma center, we'd get everything from the Afghani kid who fell out of a tree to the housewife who had some nasty burns after catching on fire while cooking (there were some in our camp who never quite believed that story). I always wanted to help, but back then all I really knew about emergency medicine was pretty much direct pressure and touriquets, I was usually sidelined. I always wanted to learn, but didn't really get the chance until I came home on active duty..


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