# Top 10 Patient Translations



## ffemt8978 (Dec 6, 2009)

#1 is my favorite....what's your's?


http://www.ems1.com/columnists/kelly-grayson/articles/678697-Top-Ten-Patient-Translations/


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## Aidey (Dec 6, 2009)

Hahahaha, that is awesome. 

I too have experienced alien abduction of a patient, luckily the nurses are usually pretty understanding as they too have experienced this phenomena between their assessment and the doctors. 

My favorites are 10, 5, 4, 2 and 1. I can't pick just one. Although number 1 is pretty darn good. He did forget to mention Sumdood's brother, Disguy, though. 

Another favorite is what I will call 10b - 
Patient: " I don't have any medical problems"
Me: "Do you take any medications?"
Patient: "I take X, Y, Z, L, M, N, O, P and A, B and C." (Hands over bag of medications)
Me: "Oh, what do you take X for?" 
Patient: "Nothing"
Me: "Ok, what about Y?" 
Patient: "Nothing" 
Me: "Ok, what about Z?"
Patient: "Nothing"
Me: "Well, your doctor must have given you these medications for a reason, have you been diagnosed with any of the following 20 medical problems I'm about to list?" 
Patient: No, I'm healthy. I don't know why my doctor gives me that stuff.


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## Sasha (Dec 6, 2009)

4 is definitely my favorite.


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## bunkie (Dec 6, 2009)

I like #10


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## Seaglass (Dec 6, 2009)

Aidey said:


> I too have experienced alien abduction of a patient, luckily the nurses are usually pretty understanding as they too have experienced this phenomena between their assessment and the doctors.



I get those too. Had a great moment awhile back where a resident got upset with us and a nurse after a chest pain patient suddenly remembered to mention his previous heart surgery.  Then the attending showed up and the patient gave a totally different history yet again. The look on the resident's face was priceless.


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## Nick647 (Dec 6, 2009)

bwhahaha hilarious.


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## foxfire (Dec 6, 2009)

ROFL!!!

I like 1, 5, and 6.


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## kittaypie (Dec 7, 2009)

5 is SO TRUE! and I like 10 =P


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## JPINFV (Dec 7, 2009)

Nursing home translation:

Congestion: Respiratory failure secondary to acute pulmonary edema.

Shortness of break/Difficulty breathing: Flu or cold manifested by a cough and sneeze.


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## Sasha (Dec 7, 2009)

JPINFV said:


> Nursing home translation:
> 
> Congestion: Respiratory failure secondary to acute pulmonary edema.
> 
> Shortness of break/Difficulty breathing: Flu or cold manifested by a cough and sneeze.



Don't forget "abnormal labs": its either 
a) elevated white count accompanied with a fever of 102, tachypneic, hypotensive, tachycardic, AMS but they've only been like that for the last hour or so and all the nurses just got on shift so they don't know anything about the situation.

or:

b) you get there and wonder if what was abnormal about the lab was hypoxemia as they're cyanotic and struggling to breathe.


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## Aidey (Dec 7, 2009)

or:

c) A glucose of 102 from a CMP taken 2 days ago on a known diabetic. A patient who has had her blood glucose assessed several times since, as is normal, with all results within average ranges for her when compared to her chart for the past month.


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## Sasha (Dec 7, 2009)

Aidey said:


> or:
> 
> c) A glucose of 102 from a CMP taken 2 days ago on a known diabetic. A patient who has had her blood glucose assessed several times since, as is normal, with all results within average ranges for her when compared to her chart for the past month.



Yes, but it's friday! Therefore she has to go out.


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## Aidey (Dec 7, 2009)

Nope, even better, it's 0230 on a Saturday night (or Sunday, can't remember) and the pt can't figure out what the big deal is.*






* I feel I should note that the pt ended up not being transported. It was called out as a transfer and not a 911 call so the LPN had to call the on call RN and get approval for the transfer before we could take her. Needless to say, the LPN did not get approval.


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## Sasha (Dec 7, 2009)

Aidey said:


> Nope, even better, it's 0230 on a Saturday night (or Sunday, can't remember) and the pt can't figure out what the big deal is.*
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Hahaha. Don't you love the weird times?? I once got a call to transport someone to CT from a psuedo hospital at 2:30am.. They were getting a head CT due to AMS since 9am.


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## Aidey (Dec 7, 2009)

wow, that is quite the wait. I know we don't see the whole process, but in cases like that I always wonder why if it is so urgent it has to be done in the middle of the night, it wasn't done earlier.


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## ZVNEMT (Dec 7, 2009)

AMS: the Pt, died a while ago, so we put her in the wheel chair and pushed her into a dark corner of the dining room. btw, we're going to give you stable vitals as of 10 minutes ago and tell you that she is in fact still breathing when you discover that she's dead, because I'm an LPN and you're an EMT, that means I'm smarter than you.
:glare:


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## RescueYou (Dec 8, 2009)

hahahaha I like 10, 5, and 1 lol


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## MedicSqrl (Jan 6, 2010)

ZVNEMT said:


> AMS: the Pt, died a while ago, so we put her in the wheel chair and pushed her into a dark corner of the dining room. btw, we're going to give you stable vitals as of 10 minutes ago and tell you that she is in fact still breathing when you discover that she's dead, because I'm an LPN and you're an EMT, that means I'm smarter than you.
> :glare:



I was called to a nursing home for hypertension. What they meant was post-code tachycardia. The pad were still on the pt and the code happened in the morning.


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## emt_angel25 (Jan 6, 2010)

im a fan of #5. picked one of those up yesterday........ugh


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## emt_angel25 (Jan 6, 2010)

ZVNEMT said:


> AMS: the Pt, died a while ago, so we put her in the wheel chair and pushed her into a dark corner of the dining room. btw, we're going to give you stable vitals as of 10 minutes ago and tell you that she is in fact still breathing when you discover that she's dead, because I'm an LPN and you're an EMT, that means I'm smarter than you.
> :glare:




LOL i dont even know where to go with that. i think shock is the term. but ive gone and the LPN is absolutely convinced the pt is really breathing. with no chest rise and fall and blue lips. oh well........such is life. LOL


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## Medic115 (Jan 29, 2010)

LOL!!! There all pretty funny!!!


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