# Patients say the darndest things



## samiam (Apr 18, 2011)

What are the best responses/questions you have had patients ask?


Doc: "Sir are you currently taking any medications?"
Patient: "No.. but I was cleaning out a slimy pipe yesterday"
Doc: "Did you eat any of it?"
Patient: No....
Doc: "Thank you I will be right back"

Doc: "Sir I think you may have scabies"
Patient: "Awww man really so do I have Ecoli?"
Doc: Facepalm..."no"

Me: Sir you pressed your call light can I help you?
Patient: "Ummm yea my hernia popped back out and I cannot get it back in"
Me:.........umm ok what would you like me to do about that
Patient: Oh I don't know
Me: Ok thank you sir I will tell your nurse
Me: that dude wanted me to tell you his hernia popped out
Nurse: Yeah so what do you want me to do about it?


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## Kamischke (May 1, 2011)

to 83 y/o patient A&O x 2 and confused

me- maam can you tell me how old you are?
patient- me uh im 32 dollars
me- 32?
patient- yeah 32 dollars
me- oh.. ok 32 dollars.
patient then starts talking about how she has a 17 dollar old son


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## MrBrown (May 1, 2011)

Brown:  Can I have some ketamine, this panadol is not working
Registrar: I will have to ask the Consultant
Brown:  I am taking the piss
Registrar:  Oh, let me get you something a bit stronger then


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## LucidResq (May 1, 2011)

911 call from man who told me he had information about a theft suspect. I could instinctively tell something was amiss up there just based on his speech (hard to explain but you would understand hearing the call), but he hadn't given me enough information to put in a call for the theft suspect stuff, or said anything crazy enough for a welfare check. So I kept asking questions, and 5 minutes in was rewarded with... 

"Well to be honest with you, I'm an Imperial Guard of the Morgalex Galaxy Empire, and John Doe is an intergalatic fugitive I've been pursuing."


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## Aerin-Sol (May 1, 2011)

MrBrown said:


> Brown:  Can I have some ketamine, this panadol is not working
> Registrar: I will have to ask the Consultant
> Brown:  I am taking the piss
> Registrar:  Oh, let me get you something a bit stronger then



What does that mean in 'merican? =p


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## Anjel (May 1, 2011)

88 y/o male pt

Me: Sir can I get you anything?
Patient: Yea a couple of 18 yrs old and a room with a lock. 
Me: um... No. 
My partner: Sounds like a good time.


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## Aidey (May 1, 2011)

MrBrown said:


> Brown:  Can I have some ketamine, this panadol is not working
> Registrar: I will have to ask the Consultant
> Brown:  I am taking the piss
> Registrar:  Oh, let me get you something a bit stronger then





Aerin-Sol said:


> What does that mean in 'merican? =p




Brown: Can I have some ketamine, this tylenol is not working.
Registrar: I will have to ask the doctor.
Brown: I'm being a smart arse.
Registrar: Oh, let me get you something a bit stronger than


That is a rough translation.


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## Martyn (May 19, 2011)

Not a patient but a relative. We get toned out for a 91yr old female, fall at home. On way we get told over the radio that pt is concious and breathing. When we get on scene poor old lady is sitting in her wheelchair, head tilted back, mouth wide open. We put her on the stretcher, 3 lead shows asystole and death is confirmed. Family produce a valid DNR so we stand down from panic mode. Son says 'Mom fell a few hours ago so I picked her up and put her back in her wheelchair. About half an hour ago I looked and thought that mom didn't look right so I called 911'. Another occupant of the house, a soon to be retired school teacher, then says to me 'Oh, so thats what the death rattles sound like. Yeah, I heard it about half an hour ago, I always wondered what it sounded like' I just looked at her and said 'Really?'.


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## clibb (May 19, 2011)

Kamischke said:


> to 83 y/o patient A&O x 2 and confused
> 
> me- maam can you tell me how old you are?
> patient- me uh im 32 dollars
> ...



Stroke?


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## STXmedic (May 19, 2011)

Partner to patient in early 20s: Do you have any drug allergies?

Pt being completely serious: Uhh... I don't know... I haven't tried them all yet....

*facepalm*


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## fortsmithman (May 20, 2011)

PoeticInjustice said:


> Partner to patient in early 20s: Do you have any drug allergies?
> 
> Pt being completely serious: Uhh... I don't know... I haven't tried them all yet....
> 
> *facepalm*



I like that one.


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## JPINFV (May 20, 2011)

PoeticInjustice said:


> Partner to patient in early 20s: Do you have any drug allergies?
> 
> Pt being completely serious: Uhh... I don't know... I haven't tried them all yet....
> 
> *facepalm*



You should provide proper health education by telling him that you won't know if you're allergic until the second time you try them...


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## sirengirl (Jun 4, 2011)

This happened just today-

80something y/o male whose home CNA called because he had been "acting off" ever since he fell a few days ago. Cue to us putting him in bed at the ER and the RN is getting his med hx from the computer files. I'm typing my narrative on the Toughbook.

RN: (looking at past history) "I see you had a gunshot wound?!"
Pt: "What?"
RN: "A gunshot wound! To your abdomen, from a long time ago."
Pt: (nods) "Oh, yeah."
RN: "Where's it at? I wanna see."
Pt: (putting down hospital gown to show her the scar over his epigastrum) "Right here."
RN: "Oh wow, you WERE shot. What did you do?!"
Pt: "Oh, it's just one of those things that happen when you live in New York."

I swear to god I DFO laughing....


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## SnaKiZe (Jun 8, 2011)

sirengirl said:


> This happened just today-
> 
> 80something y/o male whose home CNA called because he had been "acting off" ever since he fell a few days ago. Cue to us putting him in bed at the ER and the RN is getting his med hx from the computer files. I'm typing my narrative on the Toughbook.
> 
> ...



I'm sorry, I know DFO stands for Done Fell Out..
But what exactly does that mean/entail?


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## crazycajun (Jun 8, 2011)

Partner tells Female PT who is constantly whining about everything "Look lady. This syringe contains a medication that is going to make one of us very happy and feel no pain. If you don't shut up that person is going to be ME!!!! PT says go ahead and take it, i've got my own in my purse.


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## crazycajun (Jun 8, 2011)

Had a PT that fell from the roof of his home. While doing my assessment I checked for Priapism. The wife asked what was I doing so I told her. She asked what did Priapism mean so I told her. She then told me if he had it she would rather us come back in a few hours.


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## Anjel (Jun 8, 2011)

Old pt with dementia and probably alzheimers keeps grabbing on to my partners hand and flirting with him.

Partner: Ma'am I need you to hold still and let me do my work.

Pt: OHH... You never kiss me like you used to!

Funniest thing ever. lol


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## bigbaldguy (Jun 8, 2011)

I had a passenger on my plane the other day who was maybe 85 had suffered a major stroke and had severe dementia who would try and grab my goods ever time I walked by then would cackle like a madwoman. She managed to latch on once and I'm telling you that little shriveled hand was like a vice. She also threw peanuts at me every time I turned my back on her. she was awesome.


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## samiam (Jun 8, 2011)

crazycajun said:


> Had a PT that fell from the roof of his home. While doing my assessment I checked for Priapism. The wife asked what was I doing so I told her. She asked what did Priapism mean so I told her. She then told me if he had it she would rather us come back in a few hours.



That's classic!! lol why would a fall cause it though?


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## sirengirl (Jun 8, 2011)

SnaKiZe said:


> I'm sorry, I know DFO stands for Done Fell Out..
> But what exactly does that mean/entail?


Well in this context it meant that I was doubled over stumbling out of the room trying and failing to control my laughter...


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## EMTswag (Jun 8, 2011)

Me: What kind of medical history do you have? 
Pt: I dont have any.
Me: Okay, why did the doctor prescribe you Metropolol?
Pt: For High blood pressure
Me: But you don't have any medical history
Pt: No.


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## usalsfyre (Jun 8, 2011)

EMTswag said:


> Me: What kind of medical history do you have?
> Pt: I dont have any.
> Me: Okay, why did the doctor prescribe you Metropolol?
> Pt: For High blood pressure
> ...



He takes medicine for it, therefore it's not a problem! Geez....

(Surprisingly common thinking among the elderly)


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## TxParamedic (Jun 8, 2011)

On the way home for hospice care.."Look Jesus" I looked all over but only she could see him.


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## crazycajun (Jun 8, 2011)

samiam said:


> That's classic!! lol why would a fall cause it though?



Spinal Cord trauma or injury may cause Priapism.


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## EMTswag (Jun 8, 2011)

usalsfyre said:


> He takes medicine for it, therefore it's not a problem! Geez....
> 
> (Surprisingly common thinking among the elderly)



yeah its either that or they have no idea and just take whatever the doctor tells them without question.


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## sirengirl (Jun 8, 2011)

EMTswag said:


> yeah its either that or they have no idea and just take whatever the doctor tells them without question.



Yeaaaaa... I had a pt the other day on a giant list of meds.... all of them cardiac. She had NO idea what her contidion(s) is.... Sorry but if a doctor is giving me medicine, I want to know exactly what for. Esp if it's cardiac...


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## EMTswag (Jun 8, 2011)

sirengirl said:


> Yeaaaaa... I had a pt the other day on a giant list of meds.... all of them cardiac. She had NO idea what her contidion(s) is.... Sorry but if a doctor is giving me medicine, I want to know exactly what for. Esp if it's cardiac...



especially since a lot of elderly go to multiple doctors and full scripts at multiple pharmacys so who knows how these combinations of drugs are reacting


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## sirengirl (Jun 8, 2011)

EMTswag said:


> especially since a lot of elderly go to multiple doctors and full scripts at multiple pharmacys so who knows how these combinations of drugs are reacting



SO true. I had a patient (not the same one as above) who had a gallon sized plastic bag full of prescriptions, couldn't tell me a name of a single one of them. My station (we're in a small town) has been trying to standardize and give out "vial of life"s to all our patients, to write down what they have and take and stick it in the orange prescription bottle we give it to them in since it's labeled "VIAL OF LIFE" on it...... I expect the compliance rate to be at about... 10%.

Although I was very happy that a few of my patients had up-to-date Excell spreadsheets on what they take, when, and why.... That was nice. I can dream, right?


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## marcus2011 (Jun 8, 2011)

sirengirl said:


> SO true. I had a patient (not the same one as above) who had a gallon sized plastic bag full of prescriptions, couldn't tell me a name of a single one of them. My station (we're in a small town) has been trying to standardize and give out "vial of life"s to all our patients, to write down what they have and take and stick it in the orange prescription bottle we give it to them in since it's labeled "VIAL OF LIFE" on it...... I expect the compliance rate to be at about... 10%.
> 
> Although I was very happy that a few of my patients had up-to-date Excell spreadsheets on what they take, when, and why.... That was nice. I can dream, right?



Vial of life is actually a very helpful thing. When i can pull up, get a complete list of meds, a photostat of your latest ekg, any medical problems or a dnr or living will or most form( whichever one they prefer to use), that makes our jobs so much easier and can help us better treat our PI's, but we all know how some patients are


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## EMTswag (Jun 9, 2011)

sirengirl said:


> SO true. I had a patient (not the same one as above) who had a gallon sized plastic bag full of prescriptions, couldn't tell me a name of a single one of them. My station (we're in a small town) has been trying to standardize and give out "vial of life"s to all our patients, to write down what they have and take and stick it in the orange prescription bottle we give it to them in since it's labeled "VIAL OF LIFE" on it...... I expect the compliance rate to be at about... 10%.
> 
> Although I was very happy that a few of my patients had up-to-date Excell spreadsheets on what they take, when, and why.... That was nice. I can dream, right?



Even better.. when you roll up to a group home and the information sheet they give you has the name and address of the pt and nothing else. *headsmack


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## shfd739 (Jun 9, 2011)

EMTswag said:


> Me: What kind of medical history do you have?
> Pt: I dont have any.
> Me: Okay, why did the doctor prescribe you Metropolol?
> Pt: For High blood pressure
> ...



I've had better luck lately just figuring out their history from their meds. No one seems to know why they take the meds they just know what to take and when.


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## EMTswag (Jun 9, 2011)

shfd739 said:


> I've had better luck lately just figuring out their history from their meds. No one seems to know why they take the meds they just know what to take and when.



yeah ive started doing that too. Either that or praying that they're already in the system so all their info is there. For some reason that never happens -_-


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## sirengirl (Jun 9, 2011)

EMTswag said:


> Even better.. when you roll up to a group home and the information sheet they give you has the name and address of the pt and nothing else. *headsmack



Even better.... "This isn't my patient. Go ask the nurse."
"You are a nurse."
"This isn't my patient."
"Whose patient is it?"
"I don't know."

Fml.


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## phideux (Jun 9, 2011)

I had one a couple weeks ago that just left me speechless. Skinny little extremely CSAI,  19yo male, prison tats everywhere, just got beat up by his sisters boyfriend.
Talking about his sisters BF. "I'm gonna cut his flip-flops and make him suck my @&$%". 
There was a little bit more to his quote, but I can't put the rest of it down. I had no comeback to that one.


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## EMTswag (Jun 9, 2011)

sirengirl said:


> Even better.... "This isn't my patient. Go ask the nurse."
> "You are a nurse."
> "This isn't my patient."
> "Whose patient is it?"
> ...



Story of our lives!!!!


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## foxfire (Jun 9, 2011)

sirengirl said:


> Even better.... "This isn't my patient. Go ask the nurse."
> "You are a nurse."
> "This isn't my patient."
> "Whose patient is it?"
> ...


Had a call where I was trying to get info on what the pt was being seen for at a little clinic in town. The first nurse had the same answer as sirengirl's nurse. So the next scrubs clad person to come through the doorway, I asked if they knew anything in regards to the pt and if not, to get the person that did. Little did I know I was talking to the doc. The engine crew was OK with me after that.B)
The doc did not have information either.


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## motivation15 (Jun 9, 2011)

lol wow people can be very upfront!


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## sirengirl (Jun 15, 2011)

Last night, took in a little old lady for a slip/fall at a community pool with facial injury and rt sided rib pain on inspiration w/swelling.... She's an A+ patient, chatting, joking, being pleasant, the typical "Oh you're all so wonderful for bothering with little old me" sort of thing. I pop her into bed at the hospital, and she says,

"You were great- I'd definately recommend you!"

Idk, just thought it was funny...


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