# please help! need advice



## EMTdiva80 (May 2, 2007)

Im a medical assitant and have been dating someone for about 2 and a  half years who recently joined a volunteer squad and then became an EMT. I really hope im not sounding selfish of any kind but im not sure what to do. with wedding plans in the making im now having second thoughts. Hes constantly leaving me to take calls even when hes not on call. we'll be in the middle of dinner at a restaurant and he'll blast the pager so everyone can hear it just so he can hear whats going on. And when i calmly told him that it wasnt the place to be doing that he totally flipped out on me...I dunno. Now hes an EMT and hes totally becoming someone i had never thought. I mean when i tell you he has a big EGO-I'm not kidding.   He makes up stories about himself to people that dont even know him to make himself look better. One day he didnt have to be at his assigned duty night til 7 and left to be there over an hour early just because he was bored at home...ok so he left to just sit and watch tv when he could have did that at home til it was time to go. I understand what a good thing hes doing but its getting out of control. Im curently in classes for the emt but im rethinking it now because i dont want to be like that. All of you seem to have a really good head about it but Im not sure what to do. Hes almost acting like a lil child and im not sure what to do....am i just going crazy??


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## adcantu (May 2, 2007)

Youre definatly not going crazy! EMS is a very difficult field for relationships. Its very demanding of time and can be very stressful at times. If he is new to EMS, he may just have that bug of wanting to experience everything. A lot of people are like that, they dont want to leave the station, or they respond to everything, because they want to experience the thrill of the call. For the most part this goes away after time. Some of us like myself cant wait to get out of the station lol. Like I said though, EMS does take a lot of time away from families and significant others, and add to that working with someone of the opposite sex on a regular basis, it becomes very trying on relationships! My advice would be to discuss these things with him, decide if you are both going where you want to go with life. Its ok for people to change, and not all people remain compatible after life changing events. Im not anyone special, but thats my point of view. Im sure someone else can give you more advice!


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## SwissEMT (May 2, 2007)

Hey EMTDiva,

First, I'm sorry to hear about your troubles which you're having. EMS places a certain stress on relationships, whether it be PTSD or situations such as yours. From the sound of it, you're not communicating with him about your problems with his behavior regarding EMS and that is probably worsening the situation.
I'll admit, EMS becomes can sometimes be a third wheel in a couple's life, it really depends on the level of involvement the EMT takes in his job. The key to a relationship where EMS is involved is communication and limits.

What you're expressing isn't selfish at all, from the sound of it, your boyfriend simply hasn't gotten into the rythm of working on a volunteer service. 
Volly EMS seems to cause this due to a few things.:

The Superhero complex. When the tones go off, it's like the bat signal has been thrown. The volunteer hops in his/her car and rushes to the firehouse. Afterall, he/she learned "time is tissue" in class, right? Usually, the car has some strobes on it which make him/her feel even more badass. People yield to him/her. The flashing lights light up everything around. She/He feels the tingle in the fingers blah blah blah. You feel powerful, you feel like the hero. Here to save the world, one call at a time. It's a surreal feeling.

Stories. When you walk into the firehouse and the guys are talking about the call that went on last night etc. And you were in bed, with your girlfriend or cooking dinner, you feel like you missed out. Instead of feeling like a goddamn superhero, you were at home. Why be Bruce Wayne when you can be Batman? 

The Kid Factor: We all grow up wanting to feel special, feel heroic. Responding lights and sirens really plays into that- the kid in everyone. Though how much this plays into everything really depends on an a personal level. 

Low Call Volume: Waiting by the radio really takes a toll on someone. Certain towns are fortunate enough to not need EMS often. If you sit there with your pager for a call to go off, you go crazy! Suddenly, the EMT is imagining and picturing the pager going off, rushing to the firehouse. How far from the firehouse am I right now? What will I do? Will I use wail or phaser sirens? This REALLY takes a toll on a person. So of course, the second a tone goes off, it's like a complete release.

He needs to understand that one needs to place limits in order to stay mentally healthy and lead a life of normalcy. EMS IS NOT LIFE. You both need to sit down and agree on what situations you both find it reasonable to respond. 
Example:
"Unless on duty, I will only respond to a tone if the issue a second toneout and they're about to call for mutual aid."
or
"Unless on duty, I will only respond to Pediatric calls."
or
"I will only have my radio on when out of the house. "

You get the picture.

What you're going through usually subsides. As he spends more time in the department and this all wears on him, he'll find his own rythm. A lot of an EMTs behavior regarding calls in usually determined by pre-existing things. Did he always want to be a firefighter as a kid? Does he love superheroes?
As far as the stories he's making up, that sounds like something unrelated to EMS.


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## EMTdiva80 (May 2, 2007)

First off I want to thank you both for responding. I feel better knowing that Im not going crazy. The thing is I have talked to him about. Hes been getting very defensive lately about it. Hes gotten mad and said things like I need to deal with it or leave. It is only volunteer and our talks have caused him to change a bit as far as how many calls he takes on a weekend. He has the lights and actually got them the moment he joined the squad b4 he was even taking EMT classes. Its just been taking a toll in our relationship. we've gone from barely argueing(usually pertaining to wedding arrangements) to arguing frequently about ems. Everywhere he goes he has to wear something pertaining to the fact that hes an EMT or on the squad. whether its his squad coat(which he wears even when hes not on duty) or just a shirt that says squad or emt. He says hes just proud but i dont know if hes just low on himself for whatever reason and it makes him feel good or if hes just obsessed. I want to be happy and proud but its hard when its causing so much issues in our relationship. Hes always liked lights and sirens. Never wanted to be a fire fighter or anything like that, i guess thats why he likes ems cuz he figures its safer in a way. Hes got sirens for ringtones on his cell and pics of the ambulances plastered on his phone and on the computer. I mean I know people change but it just hurts because sometimes im wondering where the man i fell in love with is. Ive even caught him supping up stories of calls to make himself look better, telling people that hes the highest in karate there is, whichever is the hardest...tai kwan do?? says he do weights to 350lbs..etc etc. I dunno it just really bugs me of how hes been acting. Im not putting EMS down because i think you all do an excellent job but i dont understand why it seems like he has an obsession with it.  He'll act like the training he had was the best and say stupid comments. and sometimes i feel like i cant even really say anything about it because god forbidi say somethin negative or try to confront him on something he gets so mad at me and ive never seen him like that before. He'll say something like "sorry i know your not into it" i mean he acts like its a hobby or something. sorry for ranting. i just dont know what to do. i feel like we're slowly pulling apart, that we're just different pple now.


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## Ridryder911 (May 2, 2007)

He is a wanna- be and probably a loser.. period. Sorry, I have seen these type attempt to enter this profession and some will last a while until a professional or with real dignity puts them in place. 

I wished it was that simple to blame his behavior strictly on EMS or EMT's . Unfortunately, this business attracts many with a poor self esteem and delusions of grandeur. This is one of the reasons for our poor image and lack of professionalism in the business. There is a difference between taking your profession serious and wanting to excel and another of flat lying and making up crap. 

Unfortunately or fortunately you found this what this persons character and lack of dignity is like. Sorry, that it was EMS that opened that side. Please, realize that not all EMS personal are like that, and I wish I could say that he was a minority, but I have seen many like him. 

These are the ones we call whackers and wanna-be's. Probably within a few months, he might already be "burned out" because the lights & sirens syndrome has left, but the person is the same underneath. 

Now, that you have found his "true colors" and his personality, you can make the determination if that is the person for you. Don't expect much changes, and would really want to have to ask? Life is to short, and too many mature and honest people. 

It appears you have thought out things and hopefully will attend EMT class we need those with a level head, not any more whackers and super heroes.

Good luck! 
R/r 911


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## SwissEMT (May 2, 2007)

After reading your reply Diva, I can only side with Rid on this one.


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## Glorified (May 2, 2007)

It sounds like you have a level head and will not be like your boyfriend once you are an EMT.  Clearly not all EMTs are like this.  You can prove that just by browsing around this forum.   Being a medical assistant should help you through EMT class a little bit. 

The biggest cure for him I could think of would be to read this thread, as it will probably humble him greatly. However, it could anger him greatly too.  Use your own judgement. He seems to have some ego issues that he needs to address himself.  What does he do for a living?  How does he behave himself in the "real world."  

What he needs to realize is that being an EMT is just a job and volunteering doesn't change that.  Being an emergency medical technician is just as much a job as being a medical assistant or dental hygienist, or McDonalds assistant manager, and all other professions in the world.  He is not behaving in a professional manner, and needs to change his behavior if he is ever going to have longevity in the EMS field.


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## HorseHauler (May 2, 2007)

Just out of curiosity only, how old is he?


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## bstone (May 3, 2007)

There is something called "Rescue Rick". Basically, when someone is a new EMT and overly excited by it. Eventually it will get better but it will take a while. Perhaps a really nasty call that shakes him to his core or he'll just get burned out with it.

I am sorry you're going through this. It must be very stressful and frustrating. My advice: if you see yourself married to him...be patient. Smile, be patient, listen to his stories. Years from now he'll realize how much of a Rescue Rick he was and thank you for being to patient.


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## TKO (May 3, 2007)

This isn't entirely uncommon among first aiders.  It is a neurosis laymanly called, "EMT-itis".

He needs to get his :censored::censored::censored::censored: sorted out.

First, keep on with the EMT schooling yourself.  Second, find an EMT-Paramedic to bust him down.  He won't listen to anyone his own level, but he'll damn sure hear what someone with more knowledge and experience has to say.

Rid is on the ball about this guy.  He's compensating for his own inadequate life, and you are the one on the losing end of it.  Boo-urns on him for playing Para-God.

Get your EMT and be better than him.  A good EMT knows their limitations and does their best to overcome them; they don't charge in trumpets blazing and assuming they are the world's best hope.

We are not heroes.  We are life-savers.  Every great EMT knows the difference.


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## FF/EMT Sam (May 3, 2007)

Ridryder911 said:


> He is a wanna- be and probably a loser.. period.



Tactful as always, R/Rid!


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## EMTdiva80 (May 3, 2007)

Hes 24 and he works in construction. He has this "here i come to save the day" itch. As soon as hes been on the squad hes had this power trip. Hopefully its as all of you said, it being just something that will get old and will just start acting normal about it. I know how exciting it can be and how much the adreniline rushes when your pager goes off but its not all about sirens and lights and being a hero. Its getting there in time to save someone. He sometimes seems like its about driving fast with the sirens and when seeing how happy and relieved the people are when he gets there makes him feel good. I think yes hes glad and enjoys it, but its a self esteem issue as well because it makes him feel good about himself. But all in all im happy that this is something you know and have dealt with. Ive never come across anything like this and very shocked this is what hes turned into. Im not sure if anyone hes with can see it as I am seeing it. Hes only been doing his duty night and maybe a few calls when hes available. It was January when he began so this is all still very new I guess. Only time will tell. Thanks again for all of your help. its much appreciated.


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## Ridryder911 (May 3, 2007)

Both of you are young, so I will excuse the lack of life experiences. I always say you can see the _true_ person on some major life events such as: weddings, major illnesses & immediate death of a close family member. Somehow, even persons you thought you knew sometimes change, and not all of it can be blamed on "stress". As many psychologist describe as the "true colors" come out. 

If your happy, so be it. However; after being in the business longer than you have been alive, and working literally with thousands, I can predict a pattern. Either he will suddenly become board with it due to lack of being a hero or as mentioned someone will belittle him, he will then leave or grow up. 

The period of length of time it will occur will be based upon which comes first. As well, once he leaves it is very doubtful he will want you to pursue EMS since it was a waste of time on his account. Both partners being in EMS, usually is not very successful anyway. It can be done, but very difficult. 

I will admit the bite of the EMS bug is addicting as some drugs. The side effects is as you mentioned, only problem is they can excuse it off as "doing good for people"; when in reality that is very little of the payback. 

I will forewarn you now, be prepared for a sudden fall in his career as an EMT. Driving fast is a No..No! (personally they could remove the lights & sirens, I would be okay with that) lights and sirens get very old, for one that makes very many calls. I doubt he will listen to anyone in this phase this is normal and could lead to trouble as well. Hopefully, his commander will see this  behavior and correct it before the side effects of the Johnny Rescue Syndrome "bites" him in the behind. 

I found the deflation usually occurs after one has to literally "scoop" brain matter back together or witness family members of their teenage son has been killed or tell the wife of 60 years that it is too late to resuscitate her husband. For some reason or another, those sirens are not as loud as they were and the lights are not as bright as they once were before that call. 

I wish you the best of luck in your career and life!

R/r 911


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## jmaccauley (May 3, 2007)

Just so you don't feel totally freaked out by this behavior, you might want to know that new cops do the same thing. We break their careers into groups. Years 1-3 can't work enough, even if we aren't getting overtime. We jump on end of shift calls and don't really want to miss anything that might happen. 
Years 3-5, getting the hang of it, do a good job while on duty, look for extra duty if there is OT involved.
Years 5-10, know it all, tell lawyers, prosecutors and judges how to do their job
Years 10-retirement, planning for retirement.
EMT are probably similar. He'll get over it.


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## BossyCow (May 3, 2007)

I'm speaking as both a veteran of EMS and the marriage wars.  Both my husband and I are involved in EMS and have been both volunteer and career.  Our marriage has survived 20+ years and I gotta tell ya..... you need to look long and hard at where this relationship is going and how its going to get there.  

Take EMS out of the equation.  It's not like EMS or Law Enforcement or the Military don't have some special considerations.  They do.  But, how you handle conflict, concerns and how you relate to each other is what is going to get you through the tough times no matter what field causes the problem.  If you can't have a civilized discussion with your partner over something as silly as the volume of his pager at dinner, neither of you are ready to handle what happens when you start dealing with the real life stuff that confronts married couples.  

When you go to buy your first house, is his response to "I don't like the layout of the living room on this house" going to be.. "It's close to the station, deal with it or leave!" What happens when as a couple you have to deal with issues like.. god forbid... the loss of a pregnancy, the birth of a handicapped child, a disabling injury or illness to either of you... elderly parents who need care... losing a job..or two kids with stomach flu puking into the couch cushions.. you know.. life stuff.  And I'm not pointing fingers at either of you as the 'bad guy' it might just be a difference in communication styles, incompatibility in expectations, or just a matter of maturity. 

But, right now, based on what you wrote, I would call off the wedding plans.  These early years in a relationship are the good ones.  This is him and you, trying to show each other your good sides and using your company manners.  Where is this going to go when the marriage certificate goes in the file cabinet and the wedding dress is in storage? 

Twenty seven years ago, when I first met him, my husband was a good friend and he still is.  I'm the one he wants to talk to when he has crappy couple of shifts.  He's the one who's opinion I seek out when I need insight on something going on with the kids, the cars, the house, or EMS.  I spend time with him when I have time off, because I like him, and he still takes me fishing with him when our days off coincide.  

We fight, we play, we yell, we laugh, we disagree but bottom line, we like and respect each other.  If you can't see the two of you doing that in the face of dirty diapers, kids wrecking the family car and Aunt Martha showing up for your thanksgiving dinner, drunk and with a new boyfriend then don't marry this guy.  

I will now climb off my soapbox.


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## firetender (May 14, 2007)

*Appreciation!*

As I cruise around, I just want to say I'm happy to see the wisdom and responsiveness floating around here!

A Big Fat Thank You!


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## TheDoll (May 14, 2007)

WOW! bossycow, i've noticed your good advice in the past, but your insight on this makes you sound downright sage-like! you are one smart cookie, but i'm sure you already know that!
EMTdiva, i also want to say that you _could _call off the wedding or _postpone _it.  there is nothing wrong with deciding that you are not going to marry this guy right now. perhaps, that doesn't have to mean that it's over, though. it's okay to decide that you just aren't ready to marry him _now_. maybe you two just need a little more time to adjust. take your time, and don't feel bad about it. it's okay. also, i think that you absolutely must address his lying/exaggerating. that could be a big deal down the road in other situations. most of all, take care. also, you could look into premarital counseling so that you both are sure you are on the same page when it comes to marriage and family. good luck!


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## BossyCow (May 15, 2007)

Aww Gee!  Shucks:blush:


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## emtkelley (May 15, 2007)

I really don't have anything else to add to the mix except to back up what others have said. He is new to the EMS gig and someone, somewhere, is going to knock him off his pedestal but fast. He is either going to tame it down or become defensive and get even worse. Your choice now is whether you are going to hang with him through the fall-out or get your game on and do what's best for you. It's a difficult thing to put off wedding plans but if you can't deal with this now, and I am NOT saying that you SHOULD deal with it, but that it will only get worse before it gets better, if it ever does. 

He has his head in the EMS clouds. Sooner or later, someone is going to steal his "thunder". I will tell you this as well, if he continues to keep driving like a maniac, chances are he will either die at his own hand or get kicked off the dept. I will hope for the latter for both your sakes as well as anyone who might be in his path.


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## NREMT3138 (May 15, 2007)

I agree with Kelley.  One day he is either going to be knocked down a few notches by a Paramedic on a scene OR he is going to be on a call that is so awful he will step back and re-think his life and what is important in it.  He hasn't seen enough yet to realize how fast life can be snatched away.  Putting others at risk to be "first on the scene" is just crazy.  And if you are in the car with him, that makes him even more irresponsible.  That being said, how careful will he be with a total stranger's life in his hands if he doesn't have any more regard for those he loves (including himself)?  

I hope it all works out for you.  I am fortunate because my boyfriend is also in EMS.  Have you ever thought of getting your EMT and going on calls with him?  Being a Medical Assistant, you should do great in EMS.  I'm sure his actions have put a bad taste in your mouth about it though.  It really can be rewarding if you don't let it "overtake" you.

Good luck.

sr


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## firecoins (May 15, 2007)

dump him. if he begs to come back, only if leanrs to calm down about EMS. If he doesn't, find a good looking paramedic and date him instead. Ill be a medic in a year hint hint.


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## Tincanfireman (May 15, 2007)

Diva, my heart goes out to both of you (I know, not too guy-ish to say, but it's the truth). Your boyfriend has issues, and real bad ones. You love him and don't want to lose him. Your priority is to work this stuff out before cementing yourself into the marriage closet, and certainly before considering children. We all get a little over-enthusiastic from time to time about our jobs, certain calls, etc; and I'm no exception. After 25+ years of being a fireman and EMT, I still love going to the firehouse. On occasion, my dear, kind and loving wife over 27 years has had to remind me of a few things. 1) I'm married to her, not my job. 2) When I'm too old, sore, and tired to be a fireman, she'll still be my wife 3) She will always be there for me, but (as much as I like them) the guys at the station will always just be the guys at the station. 4) If I love the job so damned much, I can just sleep in the *&^%&^%$ truck (This is after 1,2, and 3 haven't worked) He needs to get re-homed on what's more important, but right now I wouldn't want to make a bet on what his answer will be. Better to find out sooner than later, and probably a pretty cold way to state it, but you need to know. Good luck to you both..


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