# Tying the knot in 2 days...



## DV_EMT (Aug 27, 2009)

so i'm getting married in 2 days...

anyone have any advise/wisdom/etc... they'd like to give me?


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## bunkie (Aug 27, 2009)

I have a huge one. And I believe I said this elsewhere. If you get upset at the job, something has you angry... just put out.. whatever. Do not take it out on your spouse. Talk to them about it to get it off your chest, but dont make them your beating post. What happens to you is never your spouses fault and they shouldn't be made to suffer for the actions of others. 

Thats just coming from a currently very raw spot in dealing with a husband who has PTSD.


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## medic417 (Aug 27, 2009)

Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## JonTullos (Aug 27, 2009)

First... congratulations!

What Bunkie said.  Leave it on the streets!  The same can be said for anyone in any profession though.  

My advice:  Elope! LOL  The wedding day was a blur for both of us.  Sure, we remember it and had a good time but it was sure tiring.  Are you going on a honeymoon right away?


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## JonTullos (Aug 27, 2009)

medic417 said:


> Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



That made me wonder... should we have a sequel to "Run Away Bride" about grooms that take off? LOL


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## 8jimi8 (Aug 27, 2009)

Don't go into this with the expectations that someone else will change.  If you are thinking you can change things about someone so that you will like them better, you are in for a rough ride!


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## bunkie (Aug 27, 2009)

8jimi8 said:


> Don't go into this with the expectations that someone else will change.  If you are thinking you can change things about someone so that you will like them better, you are in for a rough ride!



Oh yes, I completely agree with this. On the same token, expect that they may change and never be the person they were on the day you married them again after a few years.


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## Sapphyre (Aug 27, 2009)

DV_EMT said:


> so i'm getting married in 2 days...
> 
> anyone have any advise/wisdom/etc... they'd like to give me?



DONT TO IT!!!!!  But, if you do, good luck.  Remember, to communicate with each other.  It's the only way to get through the bad times (we didn't, that's why I get to sign papers on tuesday)


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## ClarkKent (Aug 27, 2009)

The best advice I could give you is don't get married



DV_EMT said:


> so i'm getting married in 2 days...
> 
> anyone have any advise/wisdom/etc... they'd like to give me?



All jokes aside, good luck man!!


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## Dominion (Aug 27, 2009)

I hope you guys lived together for a few months atleast before you get married.  That's the common factor in atleast 6 of my friends divorces.  None of them lived together before hand or she was pregnant and they got married in a hurry.  It's hard to live with someone even if you think you know them.  Visiting alot isn't living together either.  

There was a silly article done by I think a UK source in which couples who were married for x amount of years (don't remember specifically but it was over 30 years).  They were asked if they were happy and if they said yes, they were asked the secret and the overwhelming response was the reason "The sex life has to stay active".    It wasn't a scholarly survey but just a quirky article that has a bit of the truth in it  

Oh and leave work at work, try not to go to bed angry, and be prepared to discover quirks about her in several years.  My wife and I have been together for 6 years (this October) and married for two (as of this year) and I still find things that drive me insane.  It's all about comprimise.


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## firecoins (Aug 27, 2009)

so how does tying a know and marriage have anything in common?


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## firecoins (Aug 27, 2009)

DV_EMT said:


> so i'm getting married in 2 days...
> 
> anyone have any advise/wisdom/etc... they'd like to give me?



don't get married.


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## DV_EMT (Aug 27, 2009)

thanks everyone for your comments. We've been living together for about 6 months and everything has been running smooth... more or less. we're both pretty good about compromise (I think that's because we both are medically minded). So yeah, I think things will work out well. I'm a tad nervous but also excited. Wish me luck.


oh... and as for the kids portion of married life.... not gonna happen for a few years. Gotta get through medic school 1st!


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## Seaglass (Aug 27, 2009)

Gonna go against the grain and say do it if you really are sure it's right. If not, don't.

Pick your battles. Is it really worth an argument? If it is, try to keep it civil. Some things just can't be unsaid.

If you make a promise, keep it. If you're thinking about breaking it, you need to talk to your spouse about it and/or get counseling. Broken trust is often impossible to recover.

Don't sweat the wedding. It's just one crazy day.

If you don't want kids just yet, be super-careful about birth control and decide together what you're going to do if pregnancy happens anyways. Having kids too early (or having an abortion) started several divorces I've seen.

Keep friends outside the relationship. Of all the couples I've known who've focused only on each other and cut out all their friends, all are divorced now.


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## atropine (Aug 27, 2009)

Don't let your wife find out about your girlfriend and things will be great!!


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## akflightmedic (Aug 27, 2009)

The shortest fairy tale ever....

A woman asked a man to marry her... He said NO and he lived happily ever after.  

Good luck mate!


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## usafmedic45 (Aug 27, 2009)

> so i'm getting married in 2 days...



So am I.  Good luck.


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## ffemt8978 (Aug 27, 2009)

I asked my grandfather one time how he had managed to remain married for 60 plus years.  He looked me straight in the eye and said, "The two most important words in a marriage are not 'I do', but 'Yes, dear.'"


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## VentMedic (Aug 27, 2009)

firecoins said:


> so how does tying a know and marriage have anything in common?


 





Just responding to firecoins' question DV.

And good luck with that marriage thing.

I mean congratulations.


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## rescue99 (Aug 27, 2009)

usafmedic45 said:


> So am I.  Good luck.



Good wishes for a long and happy life! 23 years and still goin strong.


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## Ridryder911 (Aug 27, 2009)

They call marriage an institution for a reason..

I believe everyone should be married at least twice...

Seriously, good luck & best wishes to both! 

R/r 911


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## PotatoMedic (Aug 28, 2009)

Ridryder911 said:


> ...
> 
> I believe everyone should be married at least twice...
> ...
> R/r 911




Does your job count as one of them?


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## RDUNNE (Aug 28, 2009)

firecoins said:


> so how does tying a know and marriage have anything in common?



In medevil times the priest performing the ceremony would bound the couples hands together with rope, and they were not allow to untie it until they had consumated the marriage. Another origin of the phrase was illiterate sailors and soldiers used to send a piece of rope to their sweethearts back home when they wanted to get married, if the rope came back with a knot in it, she had said yes.

 Another interesting phrase is the rule of thumb. English law once declared that a man could not beat his wife with a stick any larger than his thumb.


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## Medic744 (Aug 28, 2009)

Be each others best friend.  BF go through everything and have their ups and downs but make it work anyway.  Also always make time for each other and do the little things that make the other remember why they fell in love with you.  When you do disagree just remember to never fight when hungry, tired, or sick.


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## Pataytay (Aug 28, 2009)

Always let her "believe" she is right


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## usafmedic45 (Aug 28, 2009)

> Another interesting phrase is the rule of thumb. English law once declared that a man could not beat his wife with a stick any larger than his thumb



Eh, not so much.  The phrase predates that reference by a couple of hundred years:  http://womenshistory.about.com/od/mythsofwomenshistory/a/rule_of_thumb.htm



> In medevil times the priest performing the ceremony would bound the couples hands together with rope, and they were not allow to untie it until they had consumated the marriage.



This is emulated even in some present day ceremonies where the hands are wrapped ("tied") in part of the priest's vestments (or something along those lines) as a symbol for binding the couple together during a part of the services.  It's actually part of the service we are having tomorrow.


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## imurphy (Aug 28, 2009)

Married 1 year. Best advice I can give you in 3 words.....

Seperate. Bank. Accounts. 

Seriously. Then you don't have to get mad when she pretty much cleans out your bank account when she goes to visit her parents and finds a sidewalk sale. I mean seriously, 900 on bags, shoes etc! WTF!!

Em, all that was hypotetical. I swear. 

But serious on the bank account thing.


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## rescue99 (Aug 28, 2009)

RDUNNE said:


> In medevil times the priest performing the ceremony would bound the couples hands together with rope, and they were not allow to untie it until they had consumated the marriage. Another origin of the phrase was illiterate sailors and soldiers used to send a piece of rope to their sweethearts back home when they wanted to get married, if the rope came back with a knot in it, she had said yes.
> 
> Another interesting phrase is the rule of thumb. English law once declared that a man could not beat his wife with a stick any larger than his thumb.



LOL. This was good until that last historical fact. Sadly, it is indeed documented fact.


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## firecoins (Aug 28, 2009)

Ridryder911 said:


> They call marriage an institution for a reason..
> 
> I believe everyone should be married at least twice...
> 
> ...



some religions people get married at least twice without the divorce in the middle.


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## Dominion (Aug 28, 2009)

I always found people who use separate bank accounts weird.  More like roommates than married.


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## TransportJockey (Aug 28, 2009)

Good luck man... If things ahd worked out I'd actually be getting married on Sept 12th, but oh well, time to spend money on toys 

Seriously, have fun and remember you both have to work at it


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## Sasha (Aug 28, 2009)

Dominion said:


> I always found people who use separate bank accounts weird.  More like roommates than married.



There is more to a marriage than money. 

I think seperate bank accounts sounds like a good idea. No experience in the subject but if things go south you have your own money.


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## Sapphyre (Aug 29, 2009)

Dominion said:


> I always found people who use separate bank accounts weird.  More like roommates than married.





Sasha said:


> There is more to a marriage than money.
> 
> I think seperate bank accounts sounds like a good idea. No experience in the subject but if things go south you have your own money.



Having had a joint account at the beginning, and separating it later....

I had always thought that separate accounts seemed more like planning for failure.  Makes it harder for one person to handle the bills, for one thing.
Anyway, we separated our accounts as a prelude to the final split, and found out then who was always draining the joint.  Anyway, yeah, I will always have a separate account, if I do get married again, even if all it ever has in it is what is left over after all the bills are paid.


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## Sasha (Aug 29, 2009)

Sapphyre said:


> Having had a joint account at the beginning, and separating it later....
> 
> I had always thought that separate accounts seemed more like planning for failure.  Makes it harder for one person to handle the bills, for one thing.
> Anyway, we separated our accounts as a prelude to the final split, and found out then who was always draining the joint.  Anyway, yeah, I will always have a separate account, if I do get married again, even if all it ever has in it is what is left over after all the bills are paid.



It's not planning for failure, it's being realistic. The divorce rate is around 50% or something (I'd find the statistic if I really cared to, but I don't.), marriages go south. People become crazy and contolling or just become miserable to live with. Some peole are bad with money. With two bank accounts there's no question if you come up short it's YOUR fault not your spouses.


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## mycrofft (Aug 29, 2009)

*Ask yourself these questions frequently:*

1. If the house burned down tomorrow while we were at work, wouldn't we be ok as long as we still had one another? (No toys, no pictures, no pets). 
2. If one of us was to die today and away from the other, or in our sleep tonight, what bit of business from today or last night would cause the survivor pain? 
3. If your spouse were watching, would she approve?
4. Right now, what can you do to make her a little happier? (And remember, sometimes that means 
"leave her alone").
5. If you were told tomorrow that your wife needed a transplant, you had the compatible organ, but it meant you would have to give up EMS (or skiing, drinking, etc) IMMEDIATELY, which would you do?

Now act on those.

Good luck, I've stumbled onto those bits over the last 34 years with the same woman...and yeah, we got married in a courthouse!


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## Sapphyre (Aug 29, 2009)

Sasha said:


> It's not planning for failure, it's being realistic. The divorce rate is around 50% or something (I'd find the statistic if I really cared to, but I don't.), marriages go south. People become crazy and contolling or just become miserable to live with. Some peole are bad with money. With two bank accounts there's no question if you come up short it's YOUR fault not your spouses.



Awwww, you missed the point of my post.  I'm advocating the separate accounts, having been there, done that on the joint, and it was part of the problem!


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## Sasha (Aug 29, 2009)

Sapphyre said:


> Awwww, you missed the point of my post.  I'm advocating the separate accounts, having been there, done that on the joint, and it was part of the problem!



Awww, I didn't miss the point. I was responding to the point you made about feeling like you were planning for failure. I was responding to that one point in your post. It was more the fact that other people feel like that and I was voicing my opinion on the subject, nothing to do with you personally.


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## Dominion (Aug 29, 2009)

It's not so much of marraige being a money thing, it's more of a sharing of your lives together now.  I see couples who treat their marraiges more like a business arrangement and it just doesn't make sense to me.  For example a friend of mine and his wife have their own bank accounts and their own money.  If one of them runs out of money and wants to get something to eat, too bad.  If he has to borrow 10$ from his wife he is expected to pay that 10$ back when he gets paid.  They split all their bills down the middle and have a third bank account bills are withdrawn from automatically so they each move money into that account when their bills are due.

Like said above I feel it's planning for failure, maybe I'm in a fairy tale marraige where we actually get along, both handle the money ok, consult each other before large purchases etc.  

The example I can see if ok to separate the bank accounts is if your wife (or husband) continously takes money for frivilous purchases whether you have the spare cash or not.  Then I can see that as a way to stop being broke.  (Especially if said person is not working or contibuting to atleast 1/3 of the income).  

My wife and I have a marraige where we share everything with each other, household duties are split fairly evenly as well as everything else.  all of our money goes into one account and take from it whenever we need it, makes things easy.  When we do household duties we trade off, for example if she takes out the garbage, next time it's my turn, and we do that for all duties.  If she takes out the garbage twice in a row then I have to take it out twice, then we go back to swapping turns.


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## rescue99 (Aug 29, 2009)

Marriage isn't about keeping score or keeping separate bank accounts. Having a yours, mine and ours is a great idea if that's what both agree to do. We have 4 accounts. All of them have both our names as well as at least one of the kids names. Whatever works and is equally agreed upon is fine. Chores and money are 2 things not worth fighting over. Just handle em!

IMH old lady opinion, there are 3 things that irreparably harm any relationship. Hiding, sneaking or deceiving. Integrity is a one time gift we have to work at all the time just to maintain. It's sometimes hard to hang on to but even harder to get back once it's lost.  

Everything else is about respecting, a lot of back and forth compromise and always making a genuine attempt to understand the needs and desires of one another. Expect some unpleasant moments and imperfect times. Life happens. Also, faith..however that seems to be an individual thing and not for this forum.


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## imurphy (Aug 29, 2009)

On the bank account thing, it really is a matter of reality. My wife is REALLY bad with money, and the last 10 fights we've had about "talk to me about purchases over 100" seem to be forgotten when she sees something she wants. 

I'm sure a lot of people can work with a single joint account, but honestly, it really didn;t work out for me!

Oh and Dominion, I envy you! I can't get mine do do ANYTHING around the house! Little spoilt during her upbringing you see!


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## rescue99 (Aug 30, 2009)

imurphy said:


> On the bank account thing, it really is a matter of reality. My wife is REALLY bad with money, and the last 10 fights we've had about "talk to me about purchases over 100" seem to be forgotten when she sees something she wants.
> 
> I'm sure a lot of people can work with a single joint account, but honestly, it really didn;t work out for me!
> 
> Oh and Dominion, I envy you! I can't get mine do do ANYTHING around the house! Little spoilt during her upbringing you see!



Spoiled is a very kind word to use. I'd use a more colorful term myself.   Alas, some people are blessed with an incredible gift of patience.... You must be one of them.


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## bunkie (Aug 30, 2009)

We're teetering on the edge of divorce right now for a few reasons, but money is what started all of our problems. So I gave him his own account thinking it would help. It didn't. It turned into a "you have more money then me... why" type deal. We had fewer issues when we had a joint account. :wacko:


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## Tincanfireman (Aug 31, 2009)

She comes first, ahead of the job, school, and your complaints about the stupid things your idiot partner/co-worker did today. She truly is interested in what you do and what happened, but not before you tell her you love her and give her a kiss when you walk in the door.

If you have a choice between working an extra shift and taking her to a movie, go see the movie. 

Remember that you aren't the only one with things on your mind and concerns that need to be discussed; your job/position/place in this world is no more important than hers. Let her vent on you, too. 

She will be there for you long after your back and knees are toast, and will probably be the one to pick out your nursing home when you get too hard to care for. Keep that in mind.

Planning your children is like planning an earthquake; it's gonna happen when it happens. 

Many good wishes for a lifetime of fun and adventure...


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## Seaglass (Sep 1, 2009)

I don't think having separate bank accounts is a bad reflection on a marriage. Different strokes and all that. What's "sharing a life" to one person is "horribly controlling and claustrophobic" to another. So if a joint account works, great; if separate accounts or three accounts work, also great. I don't think it should be anyone's place to judge.

I also don't see what's wrong with treating a household as a business, as long as you don't treat your kids and partner like employees. Household finances aren't all that different, especially for a single-income family.


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