Funny one liners you've said to overheard to a patient

[Bullets]

Me: Sir, any allergies?

Pt: Sulfa, PCN, and my Wife

Wife: (from the kitchen) IF YOU WERENT ALREADY GOING TO THE HOSPITAL ID PUT YOUR THERE!

 

[LuvGlock]

Me: What's going on today, sir?

Him: I have abdominal pain.

Me: How long has that been going on?

Him: About 8 years.

 

[MedicPatriot]

It was a lift assist only (because we are nice and sometimes cancel the fire engines to help old people off the floor)

Lady fell off the toilet and there was a perfectly round ball of feces on the floor. My driver says (without thinking) "please tell me thats a chocolate ball"



Another good one from a nursing home:
CNA: He's very lethargic
EMT: [feels for pulse] actually he's dead

 

[Trose34]

Whos FROM TEXAS EMT-CLASS

TEXAS Just EMSin

 

[imadriver]

Had a patient with chest pain. Real calm, obviously in a lot of pain though.

Medic: "My partner (me) is going to start an IV for me while I get some medicine ready."

Pt: "oh okay..." then asks both of us generally "So how long did you have to go to school to do this?"

Medic: "I went for a little over a couple years"

Me: (with a needle in my hand and a surprised look) "Wait, I'm suppose to go to school for this!?"

 

[Fish]

On scene for a GSW, I get to the part of the call where I say "Sir, do you have any Allergies?" Pt. "Yeah, to bullets..."

 

[jediwill]

Psych call where when patient is asked if he has any other health problems he replies while starting to pull down his pants "Yeah I got a STD...wanna see my penis?" "Um no sir lets save that for the nurses."

 

[jediwill]

Same patient as above who was being transported cause he threatened to burn his parents house down after taking 500 mg of Seroquel instead of the 300 mg he was prescribed and getting drunk...who informed me en route that he had "Internets Games In His Head" so after getting vitals and history I was getting his demographics n asked for his ssn...hey started with "***...WAITAMINUTE!I CANT TELL U MY SSN!THEY COULD HEAR ME!" "Sir I promise you this ambulance is secure against any outside eavesdropping" "YOU DONT UNDERSTAND THEY ARE IN MY HEAD MAN!"....."Well sir if they are already IN your head then they already KNOW your ssn dont they?"...."Well....yeah....that makes sense...ok its ***-**-****"

 

[titmouse]

^lol they're in my head... I wonder when will get the first person that's crazy intoxicated.

 

[Steveb]

That

Medic :That looks like it hurt! Pt.. Not **** Sherlocks what gave it away the blood coming from my head? Medic: NO luck guess

 

[ATrain]

On scene for a guy who was a little tachy, nothing absurd though. We had him in the truck and come to find out he smoked a little weed and got a little paranoid. After he'd calmed down a bit, everything checked out, my partner told him, "You don't need an ER, you need a bag of Dorito's and a Mt. Dew."

 

[Medic535]

Me: "So do you want to tell me exactly how did the snake get into your vagina and why are you trying to feed it green beans?"

Patient: "There's a snake in my cooter and it's trying to eat my heart!!!!!!"

 

[Medic535]

Random College students approaches crew while crew is posting and asks, "Why do they call ya'll paramedics?"

My partner's reply, "It's because we're medics and there are two of us, therefore we're a par-of-medics."

Student's reply, "Oh I didn't know that...."

 

[Runinhot]

Ever ask a pseudo-seizure, "Stop moving your arm so I can get a blood pressure", and their arm goes dead calm all the while the rest of their body is still shaking all over?

That's just fun to watch.

That's awesome!! I usually just ask my partner if we are gonna be using the "BIG" needle? Works every time!!

 

[adamjh3]

I don't know if I posted this yet but...

Mid sixties male, riding a bike, struck by a car. I'm trying to obtain PMH

"Sir, do you have any medical issues?"

"Yeah, he got hit by a fu**ing car!"

 

[Runinhot]

I had a pt the other day tell me she hadn't had a BM in 2 months.

My partner says "mamm that's not possible, you would be dead" , not to mention it would be coming out o your mouth".

Pt says, " so that why I have a bad taste in my mouth, and I thought it was because I hadn't brushed my teeth"

 

[thisgirlisamedic]

On scene of an elderly female in distress, pt found nude inside house, my male partner, walks in and right back out, then PD does the same thing the pt looks at me and asks why they left, I reply, well ms. " Jones" they were so turned on by you they couldn't contain themselves, so maybe we need to get u some clothes, where is your robe? The pt. Actually responded with well that skinny boy that walked in behind u is real cute I could teach him a few things if you know what I mean. I just about fell out laughing.

 

[Vetitas86]

"Does this look infected?"

'Nuff said.

 

[Pneumothorax]

"stop looking at my d**k"
"I'm not looking at your d**k"
._____.
Lmaoooo idk why but this cracked me up

 

[TatuICU]

I was a brand new basic and my partner was a 25 yr vet who spent a week picking through body parts at the OKC bombing, so quite a difference between us.

We respond to an unknown medical, roll up to this house, there's 3 people outside looking very distressed. We walk in and granny is laying deader than a door nail with her head next to a bowl of oatmeal at the kitchen table. One of the people from outside walks in and is just beside herself. So my partner looks her dead in the eye and says, "So, who cooked breakfast?"

Same partner, except this time we're responding to a 30 O6 to the face (suicide)and basically this guys head is quite literally blown off. He's done it in the bathroom on the toilet and there are little (and big) pieces of brain all over the place. So the sheriff shows up before my partner can get outside to smoke, walks up to the bathroom and asks my partner, "Is it bad?" My partner then proceeds to turn around with his finger in his mouth and replies, "Meh, tastes like chicken."