Funny one liners you've said to overheard to a patient

[Scout]

I walked up on a scene of car accident with two Good Samaritans......

i hope you had a bit more tackt than that.

 

[usafmedic45]

I don't knock them for trying, although it was really misguided. This case is the reason why I started discussing more in-depth with my CPR students when NOT to do CPR. By the way, one of them (the guy) later went through an EMT class and I was his preceptor.

 

[usafmedic45]

i hope you had a bit more tackt than that.

Yes, I did try to exercise a little more tact. But after twice saying "Please stop CPR. He's dead" and they failed to do so, being blunt was the only option left.

 

[claytondirk]

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[rescue99]

Had an 88 year old woman call my partner as "a sp**m burper!"

 

[GR1N53N]

Wow... that's impressive on so many levels.
1: sp*rm burper? never heard that one before. points for creativity
2. 88 y/o? points for being a spunky old b*tch
3. ...
Well, I guess that's it. And I'm assuming your partner is a nice, kind person... they always seem to pick on the friendly ones to abuse.

 

[KB1MZR]

Working an altered mental status call one day, status post fall with some LOC and a good old hematoma to go with it and the pt. kept saying that they were dreaming and that this was a TV show and they were in heaven and to quiet the pt. down the reply from the medic I was working with at the time was...

"Hang in there and quiet down, God isn't ready for you yet so give me a few minutes here."

---

Running a combative ETOH pt. one night who was restrained on the stretcher riding in with the clown car (a driver and 3 of us in the back) and the pt. was F*** this and F*** that roughly every 5-7 seconds. Well, the calm collected EMT I'm riding with decides to tell the pt...

"Sir, you need to improve your adverb vocabulary beyond one word to swear in the back of my ambulance."

EMT Training - $600
Ambulance - $150K
Restraints - $100
Look on that patient's face that night - PRICELESS

...and the reaction from the pt. was also just wonderful, I've never heard such a broad "adverb vocabulary" after that. haha

 

[Small_Town_EMT]

Being a pretty new EMT I often have a difficult time coming up with my first words to my patient. After responding to a truck accident, we get the patient into the back of the ambulance and I say "So, you had a truck accident eh?" He looks at me and says "Yeah."

Needless to say, I was a bit embarrassed at stating the obvious:blush:

 

[ericg533]

A few days ago we had an 80 y/o w/ new onset back pain. Got her in the ambo, checked vitals, started a line, put her on a nasal cannula.

EMT-I said "is there anything else you guys want to do?"

At that moment, another EMT's phone began to ring, it was some kind of techno song.

Me: "dance"

We all danced. The patient laughed. Good stuff. I f'ing love this job.

 

[Rob123]

My partner was kneeling next to an elderly patient sitting on the floor.
His chief complaint was leg pain and could not get up.

Amongst the various questions I asked him to "describe the pain".
He said it feels like somebody is kneeling on his finger.

We all had a good laugh after we realized my partner was actually kneeling on his finger.

(He had pants with sewn in knee pads.)

 

[emtcboots]

During one of my training rides, I was talking to a medic after a code. He told me this story, which is hilarious but horrible at the same time.

They were running a code and the family kept coming in the room asking if they needed anything. The crew started getting really tired of having to constantly answer questions at 0500 while running a code that wasn't going to end well.
Finally, the lead medic had had enough:

Family - Is there anything we can do?
Medic - Pick him out a good suit.

 

[tlkennedy5]

real charming patient we had yesterday morning at 0230..

background: so we arrive on scene (fire based ems) and an engine was already on scene treating queen latifah for a self inflicted arm lac...she's arguing and cussing it out with her husband...doesn't want treatment etc.

me stepping out of the ambulance with my bunkers on.

Me: "I'm such and such I'm an EMT with such and such fire and ems...I need you keep that arm elevated ok" (engine crew already has it wrapped etc)

Patient: "I don't needs no more firemans partner there ain't be no fires around here"

Medic Partner: "only from you sweetheart"

 

[pljones]

Got a call to assist an old man who had taken a bath and couldnt get out. He couldnt get out because he had rotator cuff surgery and a knee replacement.
Pt's wife: I keep telling him he wont be able to get himself out!
Pt: I just can't help it...i just love my baths!
Me (to myself, after i had gotten him out of the tub) Dude, couldnt you at least put on a pair of boxers before you talk to me?

2 years later, almost to the day, same call same issue same pt. I go with my partner who happens to be older than I am...this info will be relevant soon....
as I'm getting the pt out, my partner is standing behind me (pt was kind enough to have boxers on this time)
Pt's wife: looks at my partner, then when looking at me "are you his father?"
we both just started laughing...i'm 6'5", 280 with black hair...my partner was 6'1" about 190 and had blonde hair...we looked nothing alike. Then when we were leaving, he tried to exit through the laundry room that led to...the washer/dryer. All in all hilarious call

 

[Sasha]

Dude, couldnt you at least put on a pair of boxers before you talk to me?

Oh get over it. It's part of the job.

 

[mycrofft]

Disoriented senior at home...

Paranoid hx and Alzheimer's (THERE's a combo), think's ambulance comany is a conspiracy to kidnap him.
I pull out my active duty USAF ID, coworker pulls out his pink military retirement ID, we hold them up. I say, "We''re from the government".

Pt reply: "Oh, thank God".

 

[WuLabsWuTecH]

Paranoid hx and Alzheimer's (THERE's a combo), think's ambulance comany is a conspiracy to kidnap him.
I pull out my active duty USAF ID, coworker pulls out his pink military retirement ID, we hold them up. I say, "We''re from the government".

Pt reply: "Oh, thank God".

I think that would scare me more thinking that the government has come to kidnap me!

 

[usafmedic45]

Paranoid hx and Alzheimer's (THERE's a combo), think's ambulance comany is a conspiracy to kidnap him.
I pull out my active duty USAF ID, coworker pulls out his pink military retirement ID, we hold them up. I say, "We''re from the government".

Pt reply: "Oh, thank God".

:lol: Well done sir.

 

[tlkennedy5]

I think someone shared one similar to this earlier...never ceases to amaze me though..

in the back of the rig with my partner treating a patient who ran through a sliding glass door and is hysterical...arterial bleed, bones & tendons visible, all that jazz...en route to university trauma center...

Patient: "so did you guys go to class for this?"

Partner: "yup...we spent two years going through highly advanced medical training...that's why we're paramedics...we're practically field doctors"

Patient: "oh Jesus thank you so much, oh praise Jesus my savior"

lol

 

[Thindian]

I think someone shared one similar to this earlier...never ceases to amaze me though..

in the back of the rig with my partner treating a patient who ran through a sliding glass door and is hysterical...arterial bleed, bones & tendons visible, all that jazz...en route to university trauma center...

Patient: "so did you guys go to class for this?"

Partner: "yup...we spent two years going through highly advanced medical training...that's why we're paramedics...we're practically field doctors"

Patient: "oh Jesus thank you so much, oh praise Jesus my savior"

lol

Your response should have been -
"No sir, we're from the internet."

 

[MIkePrekopa]

I think someone shared one similar to this earlier...never ceases to amaze me though..

in the back of the rig with my partner treating a patient who ran through a sliding glass door and is hysterical...arterial bleed, bones & tendons visible, all that jazz...en route to university trauma center...

Patient: "so did you guys go to class for this?"

Partner: "yup...we spent two years going through highly advanced medical training...that's why we're paramedics...we're practically field doctors"

Myself: well, he did. I stayed at a Holiday Inn last night.

Patient: "oh Jesus thank you so much, oh praise Jesus my savior"

lol

Fixed it for you. ^_^

If it felt good to say; you most likely shouldn't have.