Funny one liners you've said to overheard to a patient

[Sapphyre]

when asking about last oral intake...
her:i had a burger about an hour ago..
mewith a serious face on) was it delicious?

Not had a decent warm meal in a while, had you?

 

[Sail195]

so this is a little twist, heard this story a few weeks ago they went out for a drugie they get all the time and they had a medic student on the truck doing ride time and let her do the line in the guy and she missed an fished for a bit and the drugie finnaly goes, "are you serious right now that thing is huge do you want me to do it" lol

 

[MRE]

so this is a little twist, heard this story a few weeks ago they went out for a drugie they get all the time and they had a medic student on the truck doing ride time and let her do the line in the guy and she missed an fished for a bit and the drugie finnaly goes, "are you serious right now that thing is huge do you want me to do it" lol

Similar to this, I had an patient who had taken large amounts of his anxiety medication, and probably some other stuff. He was going in and out of consciousness, and when the medic went to start the line, he suddenly became very alert and started telling the medic that they were putting the needle in too deep along with some other unwanted advice. Seems he had some experience with needles before.

 

[jordanfstop]

me to nurse:

after waiting for about five/ten minutes at the not-so-busy ER

"can we get a bed over here? got an MI here..."

"how do you know he's having a heart attack?"

"the 12-lead ekg is showing a very apparent STEMI."

"well is he a heartstat?"

"i don't know, i'm not a doctor. i just want to drop my patient off."

 

[PapaBear434]

Our stretchers drop a little when coming out of the back of the rig. About three or four inches. Which feels more like a foot and a half when you are the one strapped to the thing and don't know it's coming.

So I usually warn folks with a little humor. "Ok, hon, a couple bumps coming out of this thing, and a little drop. But don't worry, I haven't dropped anyone yet. Well, any that have complained, anyway."

It gets a laugh, gets them ready, and lets them relax a bit.

About the funniest thing I've seen recently, though, is a team come into the hospital right behind us. The ER was busy, and we were all waiting for beds, and the nurse was going down the line asking

Nurse: "Which ones were you again?"

Me: "We have the lateral dislocation on the left knee."

Nurse: "Ouch, ok, we'll get the bed in a minute. How about you guys?"

EMT: "We have the SOB."

Patient: "Excuse me!?"

EMT: "What?"

Patient: "What the f*** did you just call me!?"

EMT: "I didn't call you anything, Sir. I was just..."

Patient: "What, you don't think I heard you!?"

Nurse: "Sir, Sir! Calm down. What our young friend here MEANT to say was "Shortness of Breath," or SOB in hospital speak. He wasn't calling you any names, he just wasn't thinking."

Patient: "Right... Ok, I guess. Son, you might want to watch that s***, or someone is going to come off this bed and smack you."

Me and my partner were laughing, and so was our patient, who winced every time he did so but couldn't stop if he wanted to. Unintended, but still a great moment.

 

[Second]

nothing to do with EMS but, when I went to see the transformers. When everyone starts gearing up I leaned over to my friend "Broken Arrow, Flaming Sword, Flush the toilet LETS GO!"

maybe its one of those gotta be there kinda things but we couldnt stop laughing for 20 min.

 

[Sail195]

ok heard this story last night and almost died laughing... truck gets toned out for chest pains to a guy who has had a history of heart issues amongst other things (one of our regulars) they get him in the truck put him on the monitor and his sinus, and the medic turns to him and goes now Im not a doctor but i did stay at a holiday in express last night and you sir are not having a heart attack! lol thought I would share haha

 

[djmedic913]

ok heard this story last night and almost died laughing... truck gets toned out for chest pains to a guy who has had a history of heart issues amongst other things (one of our regulars) they get him in the truck put him on the monitor and his sinus, and the medic turns to him and goes now Im not a doctor but i did stay at a holiday in express last night and you sir are not having a heart attack! lol thought I would share haha

LOL.
I said that last night to a Pt. My Partner told the Pt "See we do have a clue of what we're doing" and I said, "Well, at least we stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

 

[WuLabsWuTecH]

Our stretchers drop a little when coming out of the back of the rig. About three or four inches. Which feels more like a foot and a half when you are the one strapped to the thing and don't know it's coming.

So I usually warn folks with a little humor. "Ok, hon, a couple bumps coming out of this thing, and a little drop. But don't worry, I haven't dropped anyone yet. Well, any that have complained, anyway."

It gets a laugh, gets them ready, and lets them relax a bit.

About the funniest thing I've seen recently, though, is a team come into the hospital right behind us. The ER was busy, and we were all waiting for beds, and the nurse was going down the line asking

Nurse: "Which ones were you again?"

Me: "We have the lateral dislocation on the left knee."

Nurse: "Ouch, ok, we'll get the bed in a minute. How about you guys?"

EMT: "We have the SOB."

Patient: "Excuse me!?"

EMT: "What?"

Patient: "What the f*** did you just call me!?"

EMT: "I didn't call you anything, Sir. I was just..."

Patient: "What, you don't think I heard you!?"

Nurse: "Sir, Sir! Calm down. What our young friend here MEANT to say was "Shortness of Breath," or SOB in hospital speak. He wasn't calling you any names, he just wasn't thinking."

Patient: "Right... Ok, I guess. Son, you might want to watch that s***, or someone is going to come off this bed and smack you."

Me and my partner were laughing, and so was our patient, who winced every time he did so but couldn't stop if he wanted to. Unintended, but still a great moment.

I guess he got his breath back!

 

[paramedichopeful]

Don't know if this really qualifies since it was after the fact but here it is:

My first call ever and it was during my clinicals for my EMT-B in VA. It was an MVC at about 1000 on a beautiful spring morning. An elderly couple rearended someone, claiming they never saw him. Our patient was the passenger a 74 yr old female. She was complaining of chest pain, but it didnt feel like an MI which she had had in the past. The chest pain was caused by the seatbelt. Here is the discourse of finding out what the pain felt like.

Medic(Attendent): What does the pain feel like?

Pt: Well it feels like what it feels like when you guys get hit in the balls.

M: Excuse me m'am.

Pt: Ya know that intense pain you guys get when your hit in the nuts.

M: Huh?

Pt: Ya know those things that hang between your legs.

M: Yes I know those.

Pt: Well thats the feeling a woman gets when she gets hit in the breasts.
(She had the seatbelt across her chest across one of her breasts.)

So we proceeded to attach a 12-Lead just to make sure all was ok.

Pt: What are ya trying to do feel me up or something?

M: Just laughs a little.

As were clearing the ER the medic makes a little side comment to the "feeling up" comment.

M: Oh yeah m'am your banana tits just really get me off.

Ensuing laughs from everyone.

OMG!!! That is like the funniest thing I have ever heard when it comes to someone having a wreck. Kudos to that one, definitely!

 

[Medic744]

This was while I was working in admitting in a hospital. The patient was brought in by PD because she was claiming that she was SOB. Pt had been in a week prior and had her jaw wired shut after meeting the business end of a hockey stick in an alercation with her ex BF new GF. We were really busy since the ER doc was just doing her Once in Blue Moon ER duty (she was normally family practice and had her own office) so patient went through triage and out to the waiting room with her escorts. She jumped up ran to my window and begins yelling that she can't breathe and needs to be seen NOW (which is funny when you are trying to "yell" and have your jaw wired shut). The cops about died laughing when I looked her in the eye and said" Honey, if you can yell at me, you can breathe but we need to tighten those wires cause you bring a whole new meaning to spittin' mad." Needless to say I was not one of her favorite people the rest of the night.

 

[Lenny61]

Got a ringing alarm and caught a bunch of kids up to no good in the back of the business. These kids are all emo, pasted hair, tight jean types. We tell them to get dressed and come out. Me to the emo kid, "how did you get those tight pants on so quick, dude?"

AOS TFA dramatic, drunk girl laying in a parking lot. Nothing wrong with her besides etoh.
Her to my partner "what's wrong with me?"
My partner "well, you're a girl, which means your crazy. That's whats wrong with you"
Her to all of us while running around "Get this F'ing a-hole away from me!"

 

[oneluv79]

Once when taking a pt. temp.(with probe in mouth)

I say: "Ma'ma, please hold still so it doesn't go in too far...."

Pt replies w/: "it's okay it has happened a few times before...."

The pt. and I both look around and brust out in laugher.....


oneluv79

 

[Shishkabob]

"Oops"



Hey... I laughed.

 

[Sasha]

if you can yell at me, you can breathe

I really hate this phrase, because it's incredibly false.

 

[LIL_M0]

When I was in EMT school we just so happened to get a call to my ex-girlfriends house. The paramedic let me get the history:

Me: Last oral int-
Her: What?! Why'd you ask me that in front of him?! You're so nasty!
Me: ...

After we dropped her off the paramedic, driver and I laughed all the way back to the fire station.

 

[usafmedic45]

I really hate this phrase, because it's incredibly false.

Only if they can't do it in full sentences.

 

[usafmedic45]

I walked up on a scene of car accident with two Good Samaritans (a man doing compressions and a woman using a pocket mask to ventilate) doing CPR on a guy who was obviously dead from the trauma to his head.

Me: "Would you please be so kind as to stop flogging that corpse?"
Man: "What do you mean? He doesn't have a pulse. If we stop, he dies!"
Me: "Trust me, when HE stopped is when he died."
Woman: "How can you be so sure?"
Me: "Every time you give him a breath, more of it comes out his ears than goes into his lungs. Also...."
Woman: "That just means I need to reposition his head."
Me: "It's not polite to interrupt someone when they are speaking. As I was saying, another good sign is the fact that you have his brains all over your hands."

That got them to stop.

 

[usafmedic45]

Scene: Childhood friend of mine/neighbor of my grandmother lost his fingers on one hand after sticking them under a running lawnmoever to unclog the chute. Don't ask....it makes my head hurt thinking about how stupid he had to be to do that; I went over to take care of him until the ambulance got there.

Harry (a medic friend of mine who was on the ambulance that responded): "So, did you find all the fingers?"
Me: *hands him the cup full of ice containing the baggie with the fingers* Yup, all six of them.
Harry gave me a blank stare for a couple of seconds....he looked at his hand and started to count his fingers.
Me: "I'm screwing with you. I found all FIVE of them. Have fun."

 

[GR1N53N]

I walked up on a scene of car accident with two Good Samaritans (a man doing compressions and a woman using a pocket mask to ventilate) doing CPR on a guy who was obviously dead from the trauma to his head.

Me: "Would you please be so kind as to stop flogging that corpse?"
Man: "What do you mean? He doesn't have a pulse. If we stop, he dies!"
Me: "Trust me, when HE stopped is when he died."
Woman: "How can you be so sure?"
Me: "Every time you give him a breath, more of it comes out his ears than goes into his lungs. Also...."
Woman: "That just means I need to reposition his head."
Me: "It's not polite to interrupt someone when they are speaking. As I was saying, another good sign is the fact that you have his brains all over your hands."

That got them to stop.

As hilarious as that was, you gotta give them credit for trying. Bystander CPR rates are terrible, so its nice to see it when it does happen, even if its a little misguided. Hopefully you/the brains didn't traumatize them to the point that they wouldn't do it again on a more viable code, if necessary.