Funny one liners you've said to overheard to a patient

we were taking a psych pt to another hospital and had one of our local cops with us.

pt: im really, really thirsty.....cant i just have somthing to drink?

cop: (while holding a 44oz soda) nope. there is no food or drink allowed in ambulances. (takes super long drik from his soda)

pt: you just drank somthing.....why cant i?

cop: thats cause i have a gun and these people have to do what i say.


i had to turn around and find something to fiddle with to keep from laughing to hard infront of my pt.
 
We were taking the vitals of a patient, my partner (who was compiling the report) asks me the data from the pulseoxymeter. So I say "Sat is 100% HR is 89" and the patient asks me what it all means and I explain to her what it was.
Then the patient ask "They are normal?" I replied "Yes, they are fine. For now..."

I didn't want to say it but it just slipped out! Fortunately my self preserving instinct kicked in and lowered my voice so it was barely audible.... :glare:
 
Taking a drunk kid outta his College room, Totally unresponsive, Medics released due to the close vicinity to the hospital and that they felt he was secure (Hospital was literally 400 yards away), So anyways, Loaded him on the cot, Got him in the rig. He was leaning off to the side by the supply wall (No CPR Seat in our rigs). Anyways, We get going and hit a nice little bump kid rolls his head up and over and smacks into a steel bar on the bottom of the Supply Closet. Wakes up, Looks at my partner, "OW, Why did you hit me?" and passes back out. I couldnt control myself, She just goes "Well I guess we know that he has painful stimuli at least"
 
we got a call for a woman who got hit in the head with a pan, the medic I was with almost called back on the radio "was it a frying pan or a boiling pan?" I near about died laughing in the back :)
 
HotelCo said:
Since I look so young, people ask me if I know what I'm doing and if I'm good at IVs. My reply is "Yep, I watched a lot of ER when it was on the air, that's a good substitute for training, isn't it?". Of course... discretion is the key here.
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haha good one!
 
late one night

we had a lady call for difficulty breathing when we arrived she was smoking a cigarette. when asked to please put the cigarette out she looked at us and said, "I thought I called the paramedics not the pair of axx holes." Who couldn't laugh at that.
 
Hey yall! I'm new here, well new to posting anyways. I work for a private company in North Louisiana. We get alot of calls at the prison and have to transport to monroe, a very long ride! Most of our pts are handcuffed and strapped everywhere possible to the stretcher. We always have a guard with us. WELL... we were pulling up to the hospital and there are pot holes and speed bumbs everywhere so its pretty bumpy, as you can imagine. My partner takes the bumps as slow and easy as she could but it really doesn't help. when we go to unload our pt, he says dang! these roads are crazy bumpy! My partner replies yea, and theres not a da** thing you can do about it. meaning that you cant go around them or possibly take them any slower. the inmate, our pt, gets this look on his face like, did she really just say that to me?! We had to explain ourselves. It wasn't that he was handcuffed that he couldnt do anything....guess you just had to be there!
 
LukaPL said:
I was givingreport on a radio about a older lady who fell in the elevator and hit her face, so she was bleeding from a nose and from lip.
Nurse in hospital asked me "did she lose any teeth?
grandma replied: yeah all of them... in 1994.
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Now that is funny, just hope that the nurse heard grandma say it
 
I recently took home a VIP (former long-time political figure, much respected and beloved here in MD). As we were bringing the stretcher through his residence, there was a cat there who kept getting in the way, trying to walk around and under the stretcher. I kept trying to shoo it away, and then the patient said, "You care more about the cat than your patient!"

To which I replied, in an effort to convince him that I actually was worrying about his cat as part of my overall concern for him: "If I run over the cat, it's gonna get pretty bumpy."

His aide/spokesperson/whatever let out a mildly shocked sound but the patient himself just chuckled a bit.
 
all too common

ChristinaM said:
We have a frequent flyer/drug seeker in our zone that has been calling with increased frequency irritating all crews on all shifts for the past several months. The last time we transported him to one of the local ERs, the nurse informed the doctor coming around the corner that <John Smith> is here, to which the doctor replied, quite loudly, "Good Lord, I know that man better than I know my own wife." Everyone nearly fell out laughing. B)
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Have a "chest pain" pt that does this after dialysis all the time. I've taken this pt I have out of base hospital, past other hospitals, past another base hospital to arrive where they wanted to go. Upon arrival 20 min away I've had a nurse say to me "why did you bring her here?" Another partner I have, told me if you stay at the base hospital we pick her up at the er staff says "Jayne doe is here to fake it! Everybody get ready"
 
In the ER there was a pt with a lot of things wrong with her. I was looking at the monitor and her hr was at 40 and thinking to my self thats not goood.
pt daughter: she has IHSS and the explains the hr of 40
Doc: OH really they usually dont live that long

he said that right in front of the pt.
 
Comming to the ER with a MVA victim, the doctor, extremely loudly commented to a nurse passing by

"Is she really a girl? wow..."
 
Foxbat said:
I asked a pt. once to "give me a finger" (so I could put a pulse-ox sensor on it). She laughed.
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I always ask my patients to give me THE finger for the pulse ox...it usually gets a laugh...some give me the finger with a big smile...others give me any other finger in which I reply "that on works as well" and they usually get the joke then
 
OK, I got 2 for everyone...

1] we arrive on scene to find this guy standing at a pay phone. The Pt states he was drunk and laid himself down on a friends floor. he said he felt something walk into his ear. So he poured drinking alcohol into his ear.
On the way to the hospital, I made my patch..."Inbound with a xx y/o male Pt with a drunk cockroach in his ear."


2]Get a call to "meet the police". usually "meet the police" means a psych issue. So we pull next to the cop standing on the sidewalk, roll down the window and ask what's going on?. he points to a women doing the pee-pee dance about 20 feet. As I get out she comes running over screaming "MY COOCHIE IS BURNING". she creams this a few times. So I asked what happened?. She said early in the day her knee was bothering her and friend told her to bengay on the joint.(see where this is going). So she said her upper inner thigh was bothering her...and yup she put bengay on her upper inner thigh. I asked do you think you could have accidently got some there? she said no. she also told me she tried washing it and it still burns. So off to the hospital. And guess what the patch was...yup..."Inbound with a xx y/o female complaining of "Coochie burning"

we can't make this stuff up...
 
el Murpharino said:
Person being backboarded and lifted: "Please don't drop me"
Me: "We won't, we only drop people on days that end in Y".
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I do something similar. I always tell patients that we only drop patients on [yesterdays day of the week]. I do this for 2 reasons. 1)it helps with evaluating alertness. When patients realize that it is not today, they always have a humorous comment to make.

el Murpharino said:
To the lady after getting an IV: "Not bad for my first time, eh?"
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I've done this as well. or something similar. I've said I have done this once or twice before. it usually gets a laugh from the Pt
 
ok not a one liner but-
I went to a pt who was reported as a bit woozy and confused. I did the assessment while the paramedic let me get on with it. After the usual questions I did the old, can you squeeze my hands, smile for me routine. The paramedic says- are you going to check out his feet as well. So like an idiot I bend down put my hands on top of his shoes and say - now can you pull against my hands- and then remember- the guy is a double amputee! I already knew this cos he was wearing shorts! Talk about red faced!:blush:
 
^ thats great!! :)
 
My hubbie partner was driving the ambulance with an ETOH frequent flyer on board.
Hubbie was in the back...Partner asked him a question to which hubbie called out
'Okey Dokey' ...Partner asked him to repeat it...he thought he said
"Alkey, Alkey'
Oops!

Cheers Enjoynz
 
when asking about last oral intake...
her:i had a burger about an hour ago..
me:(with a serious face on) was it delicious?
 
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