Funny one liners you've said to overheard to a patient

jjesusfreak01 said:
Was she a redhead? I hear that we redheads have problems with pain meds being ineffective. If she was a redhead, please attach a picture.
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I like where this is going! :P
 
Haha, spoil sport <_<

But I suppose we should be back to the scheduled wit.
 
old lady complaining of bilateral shoulder pain 10/10 after a fall, this is what it was after only 4mg morphine.

me:"mam, how do your shoulders feel now"
old lady:"what shoulders"
me:"the ones right here"
old lady:"oh those shoulders, they are fine, how are yours"
 
had a patient do with that with severe abdominal pain, after 100mcg of Fentanyl. she couldn't say abdomen, much less think that she had pain in it.
 
johnrsemt said:
had a patient do with that with severe abdominal pain, after 100mcg of Fentanyl. she couldn't say abdomen, much less think that she had pain in it.
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I remember that run!
 
Why do i always seem to get these guys

We just had a major windstorm in the area, and as usual, guess who was on duty, me!!!!

I was working with a VERY attractive female partner (ducks incoming gf slap), and we were called to a rollover in a driveway, (obv. we asked dispatch to confirm, thinking how the hell do you roll over a car in a driveway). After realizing it was a smart car that was unoccupied, I stupidly turned and said, "Damn I hate stupid blowjobs." *blush* needless to say my partner was banned from asking anything the rest of the shift
 
Patient hated needles and needed to get an IV, only took the nurses four tries to land a winner.

Pt: I'm sorry for crying. I just hate needles.

Nurse: If you liked needles, you would be in a different kind of hospital.


Had to be there maybe...
 
We have a provider on our crew who's name is Richard *******, but he goes by ****. We had 3 crews on duty one night and we couldn't all sit at the same table at one of out favorite retaurant's, the Cracker Barrel.

I was sitting at a different table, but a female at the other table decided to loudly say "I love ****", referring to Richard **** of course. The place was packed and suddenly silence filled the air.
 
Paged out to a Signal 27S (stabbing). Upon arrival...Law Enforcement was already on scene and had the pt sitting in a chair in the front yard of the home with a towel wrapped around the back of his neck. Before we approach the pt he stands up and begins walking towards us. The pt told me that he had been cut on the backside of his neck (where he was holding the towel), across his right chest, and under his right arm. **load the pt in ambulance begin assessment** none of the cuts are deep or life threatening, all bleeding is almost completely stopped. Well the pt is about 22 years old. He stated "my d*** one legged uncle cut me"...at this time all I could do was think..."well why didn't you run. I mean, a man with one leg surely can't outrun a healthy 22 year old with 2 legs!!!!!

As we are continuing the assessment...this conversation happens.

PT to my partner: "is my head going to fall off?" (in a very serious tone)
partner to PT: "well son, I sure as hell hope not, because I didn't bring a basket to catch it in."

you would have had to been there to get the full effect, but it was hilarious.
 
I once had a 87 y/o male patient who had just gotten viagra from his PMD. why his PMD gave him viagra is still a mystery to me. We got a call for CP and when i found him in his bed, he was tripoding but through his grunts of pain, he was laughing. He was so excited to have had intercourse and "really went to town on her" that he was laughing. After we packaged him up and got en route to the er, he pulled the NR up and asked if i would give him a high five. I couldn't help it, i high fived him and smiled. it was funny.
 
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Asked a kid (18ish) if he had any drug allergies. Complete sincerity in his response: "I... I don't know... I haven't tried them all..." Couldn't help but to laugh prior to clarification!
 
PoeticInjustice said:
Asked a kid (18ish) if he had any drug allergies. Complete sincerity in his response: "I... I don't know... I haven't tried them all..."
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"...but I'm really trying to find out!" lol :D
 
emtchick171 said:
...PT to my partner: "is my head going to fall off?" (in a very serious tone)
partner to PT: "well son, I sure as hell hope not, because I didn't bring a basket to catch it in."

you would have had to been there to get the full effect, but it was hilarious.
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Reminds me of a conversation I once heard between two idiots. The first idiot was telling the second one about an accident he had once been in, in which the car he was in (allegedly) went underneath the trailer of an 18-wheeler, which sheared the roof off. After describing this, he said, "It's a good thing I ducked down at the last second or I still wouldn't have my head to this day!"
 
"f**k you _____"
"you try to f**k on me?!"
"so i gotta ask, does that fat lady always sit in the same chair with the same clothes or is she barely active?"
"so how does this work?"patient:what do you mean? "i mean when youre the care giver and youre the one having seizures"
 
An elderly woman came into the ER while I was doing my Clinicals, with severve abdominal pain. I asked "In your own words, what does it feel like?" she replies "It feels like somone stuck a _ick in it!" emmmm "Ok so on a scale of 1-10 How big was it?" The nurses took a good 3-5 minutes to regain their composure.
 
it wasn't a call but in EMT class my friend and I were partners in a scenario and it was a trouble breathing due to asthma. My friend got the albuterol out and told the patient to "wrap your lips around this while i spray". I almost fell on the floor laughing.
 
hocomedic said:
it wasn't a call but in EMT class my friend and I were partners in a scenario and it was a trouble breathing due to asthma. My friend got the albuterol out and told the patient to "wrap your lips around this while i spray". I almost fell on the floor laughing.
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That's almost as good as the guy who asked me if the neb worked like a bong.
 
This is in an ED setting with a hyperalcoholic patient if you know what i mean.

Pt: " HELP HELP "
Me: "What seems to be the problem" (I now slip on the wet floor to my butt)
Pt: "*Laughing*"
Me: "Is this URINE?????? X&$#$#"
Pt: "No i think i threw up"
Me: "Okay let me go get something to clean this up and remind you again what that pan you're HOLDING IN YOUR HANDS IS FOR"

I start to walk out of the room....

Pt: "I (EFFING) LIED, IT IS PISS, BAHAHAHHAHAHAHA"
Me to the Nurse: "is that banana bag almost empty?"
 
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