Funny one liners you've said to overheard to a patient

My Basic instructor was telling us about a night he was calling report on his way into a hospital early one morning, and was giving the ER doc the low down. He repeated several times over the radio that the patient had "hydro phalus." The ER doc got fed up and just said "see ya when you get here." Justin, bless his heart meant hydrocephalus, so when they got to the hospital he said the doc was propped up against a door way with his arms crossed, and said "so, what's up with this water d!ck?"^_^

I thought it was a good one
 
A while back, one of my best Sunday partners and I were taking a discharge out of a contracted rehab floor. Our patient was a 70yr. old Nigerian woman who had fallen and broken her hip at home. After my partner and I total body lifted her sweet *** onto our stretcher, she took a square look at both of us and asked "Are you boys brothers, or sumting" To which I promptly replied: "Why?, Is that because we are FAT and WHITE?!"

The mortified glance she shot towards us in utter embarassment was timeless. It took me the better half of the transport to convince her that neither one of us was truly insulted....priceless!
 
Lol

medicprincess said:
sent for an unknown problem. Pts daughter reports her mom hasn't been acting right since the day before. She takes me to her 92 yr old mother, who is sitting at the kitchen table. She has poured her cereal - milk and all - onto the table and floor. She is scooping it up with her hands for a few bites, then licks the table like a dog, then scoops a few bites. She then got down to the floor and licked some milk off the floor and back into her chair.

Her daughter is obviously distraught and yells at me, "do you see!!! See what she is doing!!!"

i looked right at her and said... "oh! So this isn't how she normally eats?"

at that point her mother got up, walked to the living room, laid down on the floor and started doing the breast stroke. I walked over to her and said

"ma'am? Whats going on?"

she says, "i'm swimming."

me- "well ma'am, you just ate. It hasn't been 30 minutes yet."

and she immediatly got out of her swimming pool and sat on her couch so we could talk.
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that is awesome =) lol that made my day
 
Called to a one vehicle MVC at 0730, one pt. Get there, pt is pacing watching the two cops there nervously. I get him in the rig and go through the normal questions, then this happens:

Me: "Sir, who is your doctor?"
Pt: "Not gonna lie, God is my doctor."
Cop starts laughing
Me: "So how often do you see him?"
Pt: "Oh I haven't yet, I will someday..."


later on this call:
Me: "So officer, what was his BAC?"
PD: "3.5, he was planning on seeing his doc really soon if he continued..."
 
Pms (c)

My partner is a FTO and he was training one day when we ran on a very (+) ETOH young lady , The FTO asked the trainee to check for PMS, and then asked the trainee what PMS stood for , the patient thought she would chime in and say :"It stands for pre menstral cycle, but I am on the pill , so don't bother checking for it." We tried to explain it to her , but she was really didn't seem to understand.
 
The other night on a ride along we were at the nurses station in the ER finishing the report when a (apparently newer) nurse referred to the medic as an ambulance driver. He looked at the nurse and asked why she called us that and she said that's what you do, you drive an ambulance. The medic without missing a beat looks at the nurse and says you wipe asses but I don't call you an *** wipe and he turned and walked out. I've never laughed so hard in my life.
 
Here's a few of my favs that jumped out



Had a regular that got tired of sitting in the waiting room w/ flu-like symptoms drive home and called the ambulance.

Me, feigning chipperness at 3am: Johnny, How ya been, whats going on tonight ?
Johnny (Not real name): Hi Steve...I can't sleep, my head hurts, my stomach hurts, and I got diarrhea comin outta the ***
Me, fighting back a yawn: I sure hope so, hate to think of the other routes




Instructor correcting my SubQ technique, Didn't like the way I was holding the syringe
Instructor: You need to use your ring finger and pinky to better stabilize the syringe, hold it like you would yourself when you go to the bathroom
Me: Then I'll need a third hand to push the plunger (We're huge pervs in class)



From my ER-Tech days. Connecting an elderly lady who loved to cut up to an ER monitor
Patient, looking at the monitor: Is that my pressure? My it's low! What's that medical word you all use when someones blood pressure gets REALLY low
Me: Death?
 
JELM99 said:
My Basic instructor was telling us about a night he was calling report on his way into a hospital early one morning, and was giving the ER doc the low down. He repeated several times over the radio that the patient had "hydro phalus." The ER doc got fed up and just said "see ya when you get here." Justin, bless his heart meant hydrocephalus, so when they got to the hospital he said the doc was propped up against a door way with his arms crossed, and said "so, what's up with this water d!ck?"^_^

I thought it was a good one
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That one reminded me of story that went around a service that I use to work for. One of their emt's were calling in a report and was reading from his notes. He stated he was inbound with a male patient c/o of pus-y discharge from his penis (Pustulant?) except his spelling had it as the vulgar form of vagina and he read it out loud as such
 
(as im loading pt into truck"...
pt: is he a good driver..???(with concerned look on her face)
me: i sure hope so..especially after what happened last week


me:ok..i know your on something..just tell me
pt:im not im not....
me:cmon what is it...i need to know..
pt:nothing..well...no nothing...
me:im waiting.....
pt:ok...maybe a lil pot...but thats it...
me:are you sure.....
pt:ok and about ten shots......
me:....(just stared at him)
pt:ok ok....i took about 5 hits of my buddies crack...
pt..G-da*n your good....
me:yup thats why they pay me the BIG bucks..
partner:fake laughed loudly...
 
We had taken a lady in for chest discomfort. Her husband was in the bay as we were unloading the cot. He asks "Where's the doctor? SHouldn't one be here?" The basic replied "That only happens on TV".
 
Third rides are the best

Dispatched to a 50-something y/o male complaining of "sick"

AOS to find the dude sitting in front of a liquor store.

Medic: What seems to be the problem sir?
PT: "I dun be here drinking for 3 days now, and I don't feel so good. I think I need to go to the hospital to sober up"
Medic: Did you run out of money?
 
It was my second day of training on my new job doing transports. I was in the back with another EMT going over pt Hx. I am reading over the Hx and said to my partner "HIV/AIDS risk" the pt got really upset and said that better not be in there, I quickly realized what I did and turned to the pt and asked "Are you allergic to anything?" QUickly changed the subject and learned a lesson that day!
 
We have a frequent flyer/drug seeker in our zone that has been calling with increased frequency irritating all crews on all shifts for the past several months. The last time we transported him to one of the local ERs, the nurse informed the doctor coming around the corner that <John Smith> is here, to which the doctor replied, quite loudly, "Good Lord, I know that man better than I know my own wife." Everyone nearly fell out laughing. B)
 
There's a frequent flier we take with osteogenesis imperfecta. No exaggeration, he'll break his collarbone by sneezing. Anyway, we take him in every few weeks. Last time we took him in, the doctor looks at us without saying a word and goes "Aw, <name>, now what?"
 
daisies

My partner and I were transferring a pt back to care home from hospital ward where he had been for a while, so of course he came with lots of luggage and flowers.....we ran out of hands for everything so the supine pt offered to hold some flowers.....while we were heading down the hallway, I said "Hey, look....you're pushing up daisies!!"...My partner's jaw was on the floor, family looked stunned, but the pt was laughing himself silly.
 
Today I ran a code in the freezing cold. Pt found by neighbors outside unresponsive. We quickly moved the pt to the back of the truck and I was doing compressions. My partner immediately started cutting off the guy's jacket when she made it about a foot up the sleeve she realized it was down-feather jacket. The entire back of the ambulance filled with feathers.

The medics arrive a couple minutes later and open the back door. The first medic walks in and says "who killed the duck?" I almost fell from laughing so hard.
 
marineman said:
The other night on a ride along we were at the nurses station in the ER finishing the report when a (apparently newer) nurse referred to the medic as an ambulance driver. He looked at the nurse and asked why she called us that and she said that's what you do, you drive an ambulance. The medic without missing a beat looks at the nurse and says you wipe asses but I don't call you an *** wipe and he turned and walked out. I've never laughed so hard in my life.
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Absolutely my favorite so far!!!
 
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