Funny one liners you've said to overheard to a patient


Forum Deputy Chief
Sent for an Unknown problem. Pts daughter reports her mom hasn't been acting right since the day before. She takes me to her 92 yr old Mother, who is sitting at the kitchen table. She has poured her cereal - milk and all - onto the table and floor. She is scooping it up with her hands for a few bites, then licks the table like a dog, then scoops a few bites. She then got down to the floor and licked some milk off the floor and back into her chair.

Her daughter is obviously distraught and yells at me, "Do you SEE!!! SEE what she is doing!!!"

I looked right at her and said... "Oh! So this isn't how she normally eats?"

At that point her mother got up, walked to the living room, laid down on the floor and started doing the breast stroke. I walked over to her and said

"Ma'am? Whats going on?"

She says, "I'm swimming."

Me- "Well Ma'am, you just ate. It hasn't been 30 minutes yet."

And she immediatly got out of her swimming pool and sat on her couch so we could talk.


Ever ask a pseudo-seizure, "Stop moving your arm so I can get a blood pressure", and their arm goes dead calm all the while the rest of their body is still shaking all over?

That's just fun to watch.


Forum Lieutenant
I was on a ride along and right after releasing a drunk driver to city police, his wife (who's even more drunk than he is) is getting loaded into the ambulance and asks "Can I just ask him something?"

Officer responds " I'm sorry, but he's just envoked his right to remain silent. If you can just head down to the courthouse and fill out form BS-0975 you can talk to him as soon as 7-12 business days."

"oh, ok officer, i'll do that. Can you guys take me to the courthouse?".

This all happened at around 1 in the morning...


Forum Probie
Loaded two pts up (both were on shrooms) in the back of the ambulance. I'm starting an IV on the female in the captains chair and the medic is questioning the male laying on the cot.

Medic: So what seems to be the problem meow?
Male: I don't know! I don't understand why you are trying to kill me!
Medic: Meow why do you think I'm trying to kill you?
Male: I just know it. I can't believe this! You want to kill me!!?
Medic: Meow listen meow... I'm here to help you meow- I'm a good guy.

Female: (With huge eyes, looks up at me) Why is he saying MEOW??


SO is also in the back of the ambulance with us, and he looks at me and says "I didn't know people still did shrooms!"

Gotta love Super Troopers.


Community Leader Emeritus
Was taking a pulse on a medium emergent pt. looked at my watch, looked at the pt. looked at my watch and the pt. again, and then, when it clicked, I blurted out: "Oh, WOW!...for a second there I thought you were dead. My watch just stopped!"

(I've been LMAO on this thread...thanks, you twisted beings!)
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Community Leader
We had a medic around here who played Meow well... funny as heck with some of the college-town drunk issues.

Not that I would recommend it... at all... that's bad patient care, OK!


Candy Striper
We had a medic around here who played Meow well... funny as heck with some of the college-town drunk issues.

Not that I would recommend it... at all... that's bad patient care, OK!
LOL classic. i loved Super Trooper, in fact i watch it about once a month.


Forum Lieutenant
Me: I am just going to stab you in the finger, I need to take a drop of blood for a BSL.

Patient: Will it hurt? I hate needles...

Me (open mouth without thinking): Just like my wife said last night, It is a tiny :censored::censored::censored::censored::censored: and you wont feel a thing...

Patient: I did not need to know that.

At an event:

Security (on radio): we have a male climbing the high tension power pole

Me (as supervisor): at least it will be an electrifying experience for him...

Called to assist a patient by firies during an service for ANZAC day:

Dragged across to look at an elderly pt who was feeling dizzy and collapsed.

Me: are you diabetic?

Pt: Yes, but I do not know what is causing this. I had a beer this morning.

Me: what was your blood sugar level this morning?

Pt: about 7.

Me: it is now 15.

Pt. That would explain why I don't feel well.

An acquaintance that has mental issues:

Pt: hide me, the police are looking for me!

Me: why?

Pt: I escaped from the ward this morning (pt was voluntarily admitted due to medication issues, so no legal issue really)

Me: why would you bring the police to my house?

Pt: I was bored.

Make a call to the psych ward to see if they want him back, and am advised that the police are on the way.

Police (on arrival): he looks calm, we might leave him here in your care...

Me: No, ******* (hospital) psych wants him back.

Police: why? there is nothing wrong with him, and we can arrange it so that he stays here?

Me: I am not a psychiatrist, and my house is not a psych ward. If they did not want him back, why would they have sent you? Now I know a psych ward is full of nuts, so it would be a logical thing for them to do.

Police: We still cannot take him. He is calm and everything is ok.

Me: He burst in my front door uninvited, scared my wife and kids ranting that the police were chasing him and that we should hide him. This is despite the fact that you guys don't want to take him back to the hospital. So I am guessing that he still has a few problems upstairs...

They then took the individual back to hospital.


Forum Crew Member
listening to breath sounds on 16 yo F c/o sob.

me: ok gonna listen to your lungs i need you to take as deep a breath as you can. ( she inhales )

16 y/o F : that makes my boobs look bigger

me: bright red and speechless.


Forum Crew Member
I'm on my first trainee ride-along. We arrived on scene for a EDP requiring transport to a psych hospital for evaluation. 8 Police Officers on scene.

Crew Chief: Hello. Do you know why we're here?
Patient (loudly): Because I was fighting with that ***** that tried to rob me.
Crew Chief: How about we go into the ambulance and check you out.
Patient (even louder): I am not hurt. I took my medicine and I'm not crazy!!!
Crew Chief: That's great. Oh, where are your pants?
Patient (extremely calm): Obviously, they're in my bag.

Her tear-away warm-up pants were actually in her bag and she got dressed en route to the hospital.


Forum Deputy Chief
I once heard a paramedic say within ear shot of distraught family members that "death can sometimes be a side effect of having 95 birthdays".


Forum Deputy Chief
Now that is funny!!!!:p:lol::p:lol:


Forum Lieutenant
At the scene of a female in cardiac arrest.

EMT: Sir what is your mother's name?

Family member: That's my wife not my mother. God if she looks that bad maybe its a good thing she's dead.



Forum Deputy Chief
Said by an ER doc as the nurse cuts off a T-shirt that has almost become part of the pt's skin... "I bet this is your favorite T-shirt isn't it?"


Forum Asst. Chief
Doctor to elderly female as he attempts to listen to lungs - "Big breaths"
Patient : they used to be...


I put the M in EMTLife
Community Leader
Doctor to elderly female as he attempts to listen to lungs - "Big breaths"
Patient : they used to be...
Kaisu for the win!


Forum Probie
ER Doc to Partner and I Prior to transfer...

ER Doc goes into Trauma room, comes out with door open pulls off gloves with a :censored::censored::censored::censored: eating grin (pun intended).

"Yep just gave Mr.... the best going away gift EVER!!"


Forum Lieutenant
My partner and I responded to a female c/o abd pain with n/v. Pain is coming in waves. As soon as she is in the rig, she says she feels like she is gonna puke. My partner gives her a vomit bag which she proceeds to fill with approx 150 ml of red fluid. My partner at first thinks blood. I'm thinking it looks too diluted to be blood.

Pt says: It's gatorade.
Partner replies: Yeah. Smells like Gatorade.