Funny one liners you've said to overheard to a patient

emtsteve87

Forum Probie
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We get called to an MVC with a leg amputation. we package the patient and the leg, then the leg comes up missing....turns out the police thought it needed to go to the hospital first. So the leg gets there about 5 minutes before us, the radiologist takes the leg, puts it on the floor in the pt's room and starts to x-ray it. We get there and overhear a Dr say "I'm going to go out on a limb and say that its broken..." one of the most hilarious things Ive ever heard...
 

aussieemt1980

Forum Lieutenant
117
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funny lot we are, with the gallows humour

I had a gentleman come past my house the other day while I was washing my car. The usual joke passed - 'you can do mine when you are done' and in the spirit of the joke came my reply 'sure, it will cost you an arm and a leg'.

The gentleman got very angry and sped off on his scooter.

I saw him 2 days later, on the side that was facing away from me. He was an amputee from the knee down. I felt horrible.
 

MRE

Forum Captain
312
9
18
funny lot we are, with the gallows humour

I had a gentleman come past my house the other day while I was washing my car. The usual joke passed - 'you can do mine when you are done' and in the spirit of the joke came my reply 'sure, it will cost you an arm and a leg'.

The gentleman got very angry and sped off on his scooter.

I saw him 2 days later, on the side that was facing away from me. He was an amputee from the knee down. I felt horrible.
So that means he only got half his car washed?

Guess he didn't want to part with the arm for the other half.
 

Fir Na Au Saol

Forum Crew Member
58
2
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Was assessing an ETOH patient that FD had found taking a nap in the middle of the street.

Me: "Sir, are you allergic to anything?"
Pt: "A$$holes!"
Me: "Whadda ya know. So am I!"
 
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Fir Na Au Saol

Forum Crew Member
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Oops, double posted somehow.
 
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Aidey

Forum Deputy Chiefette
4,800
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This happened in a more southerly state. Both patients were slightly intoxicated and spoke with heavy accents.

We are called to an assault late in the evening, police on scene. We get there and decided to divide and conquer. My partner goes to the female, I go to the male. There is a police officer standing with each. As I walk up the officer gives me a very exasperated look, which didn't bode well with me.

Here is the conversation that ensued

Me: Sir, I'm a medic with the ambulance, what is your name.
Pt: She hit me with a smoothie!!! (pronounced "smoovie")
Me: What is your name?
Pt: "Bob", are you gonna arrest her?!?!
Cop: That is what we are trying to figure out.
Me: Sir, what happened here tonight?
Pt: She hit me with a da*m smoothie!

I look over the patient and observe that he does not appear to be covered in anything that looks like a smoothie.

Me: (playing along) where did she hit you?
Pt: In the head. I demand you arrest her!
Cop: Sir, we generally don't arrest people for throwing their drinks.

Pt: No! She hit me with a smoothie! You know, like you smooth (smoov) your clothes with!

When he said this he also pantomimed someone ironing clothes.

The Cop and I just look at each other in shock and amusement. I asked the patient "Sir, do you mean an iron?" and he replied "Yeah! One of 'dem smoothies!"

At this point we moved him to the ambulance for a more complete assessment....

Somehow I managed to keep a straight face for most of the transport, however after we dropped him off I collapsed laughing.
 

Doug

Forum Probie
25
3
0
Not a one liner but funny story I thought.
Called for a heroin overdose. Found male in 20's A&Ox3 but...mellow,dig?
No distress, nice and relaxed answers questions etc. I ask the person who called "What's going on?" "Well, he took heroin."
Me:"Did you take heroin.
Son: yeah
Me: First time?
Son: No
Me: Usual dose for you?
Son: Yeah
Me: Your Usual dealer? Trust him?
Son: Oh yeah man.
Me: Well, ma'am what makes you think he's OD'd?
Mother: He Took heroin.
Me: Yes Ma'am I know. But technically speaking...he's DOSED...he's taken the proper amount for his desired effect.
Mother: Well, give him some of that Narc-Off stuff...
Me: Narcan ma'am and no...that would make him very very angry.

Finally got him to go with us after I told the mother that she needs to call police and get the pt removed as he is trespassing, he pays no rent and is "crashing" there. At word "cops" he was up and out the door heading for the truck...it also helps that it was about 10 degrees out.
 

LukaPL

Forum Probie
25
1
0
I was givingreport on a radio about a older lady who fell in the elevator and hit her face, so she was bleeding from a nose and from lip.
Nurse in hospital asked me "did she lose any teeth?
grandma replied: yeah all of them... in 1994.
 

amberdt03

Forum Asst. Chief
503
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ok so this doesn't really deal with ems but I thought it was funny anyways. a trooper friend of mine told me this story of a drunk driver he pulled over. he said that he saw this guy weaving all over the road so he pulled him over. now this guy he pulled over was mexican. my friend said that all he had to do was walk up the the vehicle and he knew the guy was drunk. now remember this guy is mexican. my friend said he got up to the window and the first thing this guy says is " i don't speak spanish" my trooper buddy replied, " well neither do i so i think we'll be ok"
 

Silverstone

Forum Probie
28
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I worked in dispatch for two years before going to the streets at my current service. We use EMD protocols, and going through protocol 17, the ProQA asks "What caused the fall". While asking a caller this on 911 the field supervisor pipes up and says, "gravity". :wacko: I chuckled.

Another good one was while dispatching an ambulance out as a "cold response" one of the medics in my dispatch went, "burrrr...." I had to stop dispatching mid-sentence to collect myself. You had to be there. :blush:
 

mxjagracer

Forum Probie
18
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Too much to list....

HAHAHA just found this. I dont even know where to start.....

Me: Any medical problems sir? Asthma, bronchitis, emphysema, seizures, hypertension, herpecyphillis?
Him: Yea, I got that!
Me: Herpecyphillis?
Him: Yea!
Me: Ok, is that herpecyphillis type a or c?
Him: Yea, type C.

This one is from tonight about their 1 month old premie, supposed DIB....
Him: Yea, she stopped breathing for 30 minutes.
Me: Thirty minutes?!?!?!
Him: Yea, 30 minutes.
Me: ......... ( I was speechless)

About 6 months ago... We got the call for testicle problems if you will...
Me: Whats going on sir?
Him: Well, I went to the hospital cause my balls hurt. And they gave me these pills. Now my pain is gone, but my balls are too.
Me: So hold on a second. So you had pain in your balls?
Him: Yes
Me: And they gave you some pills for the pain right?
Him: Yes
Me: So the pain is gone, but no more balls? Your balls are just gone?
Him: Thas right!

Assault I had tonight, after walking into the blood on the cockroach infested floor of the apartment.
I said to the cop, after I realized I was walking on this guys little blood splatters: Its ok, the cockroaches will clean it up?

Ever take 20 minutes explaining to someones parent that the antibiotics, or pain medicine the hospital gave them take longer than a day (for the antibiotic) or 10 minutes (for the pain pill) to take effect, JUST TO HAVE THEM TURN TO THEIR 10 YEAR OLD AND SAY "Well, do you want to go to the hospital?" OR, even better! When the mom is the one who has the sniffles, and she turns and asks the 10 year old if they think she should go to the hospital?

Ever had to convince someone that they should probably go to the hospital cause they just got their a** beat and are definitely gonna need stitches? Some people just dont even know whats good for themselves.....
 

mxjagracer

Forum Probie
18
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NEW ONE FOR TONIGHT!!!!

(Reffering to his wife with chrons diseases...)
Him: She got Chrome disease and kidney stones
Me: Oh, did you say chrome disease? (very clear pronunciation for chrome, not chrons)
Him: Yea, Chrome disease

Typical <_<
 

NEMed2

Forum Crew Member
87
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I have a habit of telling all my patients that 'this may be a little uncomfortable at first' when putting them on NCs. (I deal with a lot of cranky elderly people, its just easier that way.) So, out of habit I say this to a much younger & healthy patient presenting with sudden onset arrhythmia, while the medic is setting up for cardioversion. The medic looks at her and says "not nearly as uncomfortable as what I'm about to do". LOL.

Arrival at the ED-
Triage nurse: Do you have a cardiologist?
Patient: No.
Triage nurse: You do now.

Good thing she was in good spirits considering the situation.
 

MedicRuss

Forum Ride Along
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Why oh why?

Picked up a 29 yo M whose mother dropped him off at a local FD... Pt was complaining of a salty taste in his mouth after taking a sea salt bath (because it made his skin soft and offered to let me feel) x20 minutes. On the way to the hospital, he asks me if this was caused by the cosmic shift.... Then when I get to the ER triage desk, the nurse is speechless and can't find a valid complaint (obviously) to file it under in the computer...he was discharged 10 minutes later
 

benkfd

Forum Crew Member
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Ever had to convince someone that they should probably go to the hospital cause they just got their a** beat and are definitely gonna need stitches? Some people just dont even know whats good for themselves.....
Been there, done that, unfortunately too many times to count. Try it when they don't (supposedly) speak a lick of english! No that's frustrating:wacko:
 

FaustKnight

Forum Ride Along
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Here is the conversation that ensued

Me: Sir, I'm a medic with the ambulance, what is your name.
Pt: She hit me with a smoothie!!! (pronounced "smoovie")
Me: What is your name?
Pt: "Bob", are you gonna arrest her?!?!
Cop: That is what we are trying to figure out.
Me: Sir, what happened here tonight?
Pt: She hit me with a da*m smoothie!

I look over the patient and observe that he does not appear to be covered in anything that looks like a smoothie.

Me: (playing along) where did she hit you?
Pt: In the head. I demand you arrest her!
Cop: Sir, we generally don't arrest people for throwing their drinks.

Pt: No! She hit me with a smoothie! You know, like you smooth (smoov) your clothes with!

When he said this he also pantomimed someone ironing clothes.

The Cop and I just look at each other in shock and amusement. I asked the patient "Sir, do you mean an iron?" and he replied "Yeah! One of 'dem smoothies!"

At this point we moved him to the ambulance for a more complete assessment....

Somehow I managed to keep a straight face for most of the transport, however after we dropped him off I collapsed laughing.

You know....that exact thing almost word for word was on an Episode of Third Watch in season 2....watched it a couple days ago.
 

Sasha

Forum Chief
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Overheard on a floor the last time I was at the hospital, a nurse trying to get consent for a colonoscopy from the patient's son. "Okay, but if you find any money in there, it's mine!"
 

benkfd

Forum Crew Member
64
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0
High Water warning

Today watched a FF/Paramedic drive a grass truck through high water (about 48" worth) trying to get to a possible stroke pt. They did reach the pt. (after the truck stalled at least 3 times in the water) and convinced her that she should go into the hospital to be evaluated. The bad news..... When they got back out to the truck it wasn't running...... so they couldn't back the truck up to off load the BOAT off the trailer that they were pulling behind it to get the pt. to us!:eek::huh::excl:
 

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