Funny one liners you've said to overheard to a patient

*MX-EMT

Forum Crew Member
30
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"There goes C-Spine!"

Working at a dirtbike track is always fun. Especially when you get all the forginers from Japan that dont speak english and think that the fastest way to the hospital is picking up the unconcious 8 y/o pt. w/ clav def that just hit a wall and running to the car during the middle of my assesment! Haha The best part was me running along side the mom so she could sign AMA and my Partner saying "There goes C-spine" haha lol-TRUE STORY!
 

ceoemt

Forum Ride Along
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Pt to me: why are you crying?
Me: I'm not crying, I'm laughing
**in regards to being told my male patient had a history of cervical cancer.
 

SeeNoMore

Old and Crappy
483
109
43
I don't think the humor translates...

But at the end of a very long day we come up onto the floor with an IFT patient, pretty sick but stable. We have to wait for a room and while we are doing so the staff is getting some admission info. This nurse, clearly thinking I am an idiot starts off with...

"He's ok right...he has a blood pressure? Did you check?"

I was astounded for a moment at basically being asked if i knew if my pt was alive or dead. So I just responded dryly...

"Why yes I imagine so."

Not that funny maybe, but at the time it seemd so and kept my partner and I laughing for the rest of the shift.
 

YouInTheShirt

Forum Ride Along
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classic mixup

@ 4am nurse apparently told me, "ask the patient if she still has her menstrual cycle."

@ 4am this is what I heard..... "ask the patient if she still sell beer."

classic mixup
 

XxGAMBLExX

Forum Probie
15
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This basically is what happened during my clinicals. Please excuse the language, this is just a good explanation.

[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHAmlyyrhTM[/YOUTUBE]
 
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kf4lar

Forum Ride Along
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That'll stop the pain.

I'm a volunteer at in a small town WAY out in the boonies. It's a 45 minute trip just to get to the closest Wal-Mart. And the hospital is even further.

I wasn't on this call, but at our last bi-weekly training session, two of the EMT's told us about one of the calls they had run. (Names changed to protect the not-so-innocent.)

Bill: Susie and I had a great call this week. Ten year old hit by a car. We get there and kid's lying on the ground yelling "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die."

Susie: Bill leans down and tells him, "No your not. You'll be ok."

Bill: Everytime we open our mouths to ask him a question, all he can do is moan and tell us, "I'm gonna die." We get him backboarded and loaded. He reaches the point where he yelling "Lord Jesus save me, I'm gonna die."

Susie: So we're moving down the interstate and trying to get an IV started. The kid's STILL carrying on. I finally can't take it. I look down at him, get right in his face and say, "You are NOT going to die. CALM DOWN!"

Bill: Then she looks straight at me while I'm pulling out the ringers and the IV tubing and says, "Bill, give me a 22." Kid's eyes go wide and he clams up. Can't get him to talk for the rest of the 45 minute ride to the hospital.

Susie: If I had known it would work so well, I'd have asked one of the deputies for his pistol before we loaded him up.
 

Captn' Tuddle

Forum Crew Member
39
3
0
Was transporting a pt with dementia:

pt: I want a cheese burger, do you have any cheese burgers?
me: No, sorry ma'am. We don't come equiped with cheese burgers.
Pt: Oh, well you should. You should get those mini ones - they are easier to carry around.You could put them right there (points to the bench).
Me; You know, thats a great idea, I'll have to recommend that to my supervisor.

Guess what I was craving for the rest of my shift?
 

Lemons92

Forum Ride Along
3
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Went to get look at eyes of a 80 or so old pt with my penlight and the pt is a spanish speaker and says something and i didnt understand and my partner starts cracking up pt said "why are so close do you wanna kiss me or something"
never gonna let that down.....
 

bigbaldguy

Former medic seven years 911 service in houston
4,043
41
48
I'm a volunteer at in a small town WAY out in the boonies. It's a 45 minute trip just to get to the closest Wal-Mart. And the hospital is even further.

I wasn't on this call, but at our last bi-weekly training session, two of the EMT's told us about one of the calls they had run. (Names changed to protect the not-so-innocent.)

Bill: Susie and I had a great call this week. Ten year old hit by a car. We get there and kid's lying on the ground yelling "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die."

Susie: Bill leans down and tells him, "No your not. You'll be ok."

Bill: Everytime we open our mouths to ask him a question, all he can do is moan and tell us, "I'm gonna die." We get him backboarded and loaded. He reaches the point where he yelling "Lord Jesus save me, I'm gonna die."

Susie: So we're moving down the interstate and trying to get an IV started. The kid's STILL carrying on. I finally can't take it. I look down at him, get right in his face and say, "You are NOT going to die. CALM DOWN!"

Bill: Then she looks straight at me while I'm pulling out the ringers and the IV tubing and says, "Bill, give me a 22." Kid's eyes go wide and he clams up. Can't get him to talk for the rest of the 45 minute ride to the hospital.

Susie: If I had known it would work so well, I'd have asked one of the deputies for his pistol before we loaded him up.
Took me a minute but I get it now lol
 

canisdoo

Forum Ride Along
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Called to transport a patient with an "extended erection".

Partner said What would you call it if it was flaccid. "A decreased erection."

The nurse gave a report and said no labs, no ct, only an X-ray.

I said "what in the heck were you expecting to find with an x-ray, the genie holding it up??
 

jmc519

Forum Ride Along
8
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I responded to a driver needed call from our local ambulance service a couple months ago, to a bar that's just a couple blocks from my house. The medic on the call was the instructor of my EMT-B class, which I was still in at that time. He had the patient, who was obviously ETOH, sitting on the cot, and told him "If you feel the need to vomit, just aim for my partner."
 

DevK

Forum Ride Along
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kidnapped

My favorite teacher back in school told me this great one.

They got an unknown call to David's Bridal. There were two pt.s, two Mexican women who didn't speak a word of English. They spinaled her because they found her on the floor, got her put in the rig, and right before they left had an interpreter to find out what happened. The woman was talking to him really fast, and the man looks at them and says, "She's saying, 'Help, they kidnapped me and strapped me to a board.'"
 

usafmedic45

Forum Deputy Chief
3,796
5
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Would have sucked less with the monitor synced to with the pt.
Says who?
 

Bullets

Forum Knucklehead
1,544
195
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we were at a bar with a couple of injuries and a couple of guys hooked. I'm siting on a guy with an arm lac because he's trying to bite me when a local LEO says, "be careful, he's gonna bite you kneecaps off" I almost fell off the guy
 

Sasha

Forum Chief
7,667
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Said to a hospice patient:

"Get better soon!"
 

ShotMedic

Forum Crew Member
60
0
6
i dunno if this counts but day 3 of a 72 hour shift greet the patient, " hi (patients name) my name is matt i am the paramedic on the ambulance. What's your name?" engine crew looks at me trying not to laugh...
 

Lemons92

Forum Ride Along
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Haha ShotMedic I've done that before at like 3am half asleep and my partner just looked at me and started laughing
 

ShotMedic

Forum Crew Member
60
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6
the best part was the call was for an ALOC, and the patient caught it right away. i was like she is gooodd let go
 

nemedic

Forum Captain
420
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PT: I don't want to go to the hospital. Besides, you don't have enough people to lift me (bariatric pt)
ME: What If I get some handsome firemen to help us???
PT: OOOOOh! I loves me some firemen. I'll go.

Thank god the bariatric stretcher fit (barely) into the elevator. otherwise, I would still be on my back popping vicodins like they were white M&Ms
 

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