Funny Things We Say To Make Our Patients Feel Better

NiMiXeS said:
I know we're asking you a lot of questions but that's why we call you patients! You have to be patient with our line of questioning :)
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ani't that the truth
 
Got the stair chair out for a pt who just came back from the hospital. He was in his car in the passenger side, so this was a lift assist.

Paramedic said "sir just grab on to me like you are hugging me okay?" Put him in the chair... (She's attractive)

I wheel him inside his house, take off the straps.
I said "alright sir I know I'm not very pretty but you're gonna have to hug me now"

Had some laughs
 
When it comes time for the patient/nurse to sign the Release information for insurance and billing, Ill frequently say "By signing this you are agreeing to pay my mortgage/ rent/ car payment my kids college tuition etc. That usually gets a chuckle. Also if the patient has any bag going with them I'll usually say "This bag weighs over ____ pounds there is a $20 dollar surcharge for all carry on's above this amount. That gets them sometimes as well.
 
btkspot89 said:
When it comes time for the patient/nurse to sign the Release information for insurance and billing, Ill frequently say "By signing this you are agreeing to pay my mortgage/ rent/ car payment my kids college tuition etc. That usually gets a chuckle. Also if the patient has any bag going with them I'll usually say "This bag weighs over ____ pounds there is a $20 dollar surcharge for all carry on's above this amount. That gets them sometimes as well.
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One time when having a patient sign, I said my usual "This just means that we didn't kidnap you, you went willingly, and agreed to the procedures we did. We won't be sharing your information with anyone who doesn't absolutely need it to do their jobs, and you consent for us to bill your insurance." After he signed, I grinned and added "Oh, and you pledge your firstborn son to us." which got a good chuckle out of him.
 
If I happened to be the driver during a particular patient's transport, I'll ask them once we get to the destination if they had a smooth ride. They (usually) say "yes" and I look disappointed and say "I'll have to try harder on the next trip."
 
I typically work on weekends, so I get a few of the party crowd who seem to be half-clothed when we turn up.

"Hey, no worries man, I wasn't wearing pants 10 minutes ago either."
 
I once has a preceptor tell every elderly patient to hold on because the ambulance "rides just like an old hay truck!" Cracked me up every time!
 
I always told every pregnant woman that I transported that state law required her to name the child after the paramedic if the baby was born in the truck. I had a pretty good spiel for this and everyone believed it. It would get funny when I'd say, "so how do you feel about the name Ezekiel?" They'd say, "but it's a girl!" "That's okay," I'd reply, "Ezekia works, too."

Always good for some laughs.
 
DEmedic said:
I always told every pregnant woman that I transported that state law required her to name the child after the paramedic if the baby was born in the truck. I had a pretty good spiel for this and everyone believed it. It would get funny when I'd say, "so how do you feel about the name Ezekiel?" They'd say, "but it's a girl!" "That's okay," I'd reply, "Ezekia works, too."

Always good for some laughs.
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Better than Gaylord.
 
I don't (yet) work in EMS (soon, I hope!), but I do work with little kids (up to age 5). Whenever one of them gets hurt, I pick them up and say something about the ambulance taking them inside for a Band-Aid. I'll usually make a siren sound and "drive" them around in a circle or a figure-8 to the door. I always offer to let them "clean" the abrasion with a cold-water soaked paper towel or I give them one or two of my fingers and tell them to squeeze as hard as they want. Depending on where I am, and how old the kid is, I also tell them they can yell as much as they want while I get stuff clean. I also NEVER say "This won't hurt," even if it won't. I always hated that as a kid. On occasion, I'll even let the kid hit me (in the upper arm) if it hurts. Can't wait till I can tell the Little Old Ladies that. LoL
 
I drove on a transfer and the guy had plenty of narcs in him for pain.
As we were leaving I helped get him ready in the back and told him I was going up front to drive. Feel free to throw his hands in the air on the hills and wave them like he just don't care.

He did

I have told people they have the best crew on, don't worry. The ugly ones are off that day.
Rate pain 1 to 10. 1 being a mosquito bit you to 10 Omg I stepped on a lego
 
My regular partner usually tells elderly women "if you really wanted two young strapping men to show up all you had to do is call"

When having patients sign the release form I tell them this is so I can't sell your information to the Russians.

When I hope in back sometimes if its the patients first time. I'll say wow So this is what the back of a ambulance looks like

When I was on clinical our polo's say paramedic student on it. The one patient said yeah you need to stick me for an IV you ambulance guys know what your doing. I said not really but I slept at a holiday inn express last night
 
As my teacher always says:
When placing a mouth thermometer to a patient:
Ask the patient: Do you know the different between mouth and anal thermometer?
Answer: The taste
 
Starting an IV/foley/dsg change: "Please think all the bad thoughts you want about me, but just don't tell me."

Removing a foley/central line/art line: "It will feel funny, but this is better than putting it in." or "If I'm taking something out of you, it means you are getting better."
 
This thread is a gem, never seen it before. Good laughs.

When transporting from the ED to the floors some of our rooms have doors too narrow to exit with the bed rails up, so I often say, "Alright, I am going to drop the rails for just a second, don't fall out on me. I like my job." I do the "hands and feet in at all times" as well.

When a Pt asks for a pillow (these use to be a rare find in our ED) I would bring one back saying I had to steal it from an old lady next door, so don't tell anyone where you got it.

We are a level IV trauma center so we get the small traumas via EMS or anything POV. If its nothing life threatening and the Pt is school, I usually walk in as first contact, look at them, shut the door, and say "Alright, if anyone outside this ER asks what happen, you saying burning orphanage. Alright? Now lets practice. Ok. Good. Now, just to be able to tell the Doc, what happened?"
 
Grimes said:
When transporting from the ED to the floors some of our rooms have doors too narrow to exit with the bed rails up
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... what?!

Edit: oh jeez, HOSPITAL beds, not a stretcher...
 
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