Funny Things We Say To Make Our Patients Feel Better

I transported a 4 year old today. I told him I was going to buckle him in like a NASCAR driver. He then sounded excited when he told me he likes NASCAR.
 
I told one pt I was William Hung and did the "She Bangs" song. I got a laugh out of the suicidal 14yo.
 
emtkopan said:
I told one pt I was William Hung and did the "She Bangs" song. I got a laugh out of the suicidal 14yo.
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It would have been even funnier if you were a 6 foot tall blonde woman. :)
 
I keep a Magic 8 Ball in the truck. When patients ask me something, (usually something dumb like "Am I going to die?" when they have a twisted ankle) it's /shakeshakeshake "Signs point to yes."
 
Ghost of Patient's Past

"We are going to be transporting using lights and sirens today, so if you hear a sudden, ear piercing wail as we are driving, please don't freak and make a break for it ... it's not the Ghost of Patients Past ... just my partner exercising his right to make noise, again!" =)

(Pretty rare that I actually get to use this one though, due to the infrequency of a hot transport for an alert patient. Especially one that's up for a joke!)
 
When doing my clinical rounds, I have had quite a few elderly patients say they are old, I then say "You are not old, you are seasoned with years" and they chuckle and enjoy it. I once told a little kid that we were gonna put a breathing mask on, and its cool like Darth Vader, since he had a breathing mask...kid smiled so big. I also tell patients that at any point during my treating them or doing assessments, to feel free to slap me. They always laugh.
 
With a recent heat exposure patient, he did not want to be transported, but he needed fluid. We got the OK to provide a liter, reassess, and then release. After the approval, I turned to him and said "We going to pump (snap-clap) you up!" He got a good chuckle.

A little later, after a few rounds of vitals, I said I was going to take another set. He turned and said "Again? Surely you're kidding." My reply: "I'm not kidding and don't call me Shirley". <You saw that coming, right?> That's pretty much how the rest of that incident went, culminating in he and I doing Great White North by Bob and Doug McKenzie. He got hydrated, and had a good time with it.
 
My medic to a 90 yof were about to transport on an ift: "He (pointing to me) will be your driver and I will be your eye candy today."

Pt after a long pause: "I think Id rather have you drive"
 
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11569150 said:
My medic to a 90 yof were about to transport on an ift: "He (pointing to me) will be your driver and I will be your eye candy today."

Pt after a long pause: "I think Id rather have you drive"
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:lol:

While assisting a unit taking a bariatric (500lb+) patient (that I already took once today) for epilepsy.... Pt is constantly, continuously, with every ounce of every breath, saying, "Help me! Help me! Help me help me help meeee!! HhhheeEEEEELLLPPPP MEEEEeeee!!" because he is too large for even the bariatric stretcher. However, he's just doing it to make noise because he can accurately answer any question we ask him, and in fact the last time I dropped him off said, "Thank you very much, you did the best you could. I feel better now."

Standing on the CPR bench (because there is no room in the box) I look across the patient ("Help me! Help me!") at the medic who is in charge this time, who is in fact the hottest medic I've ever seen.

Me: "Wade?"

Pt: "Help me! Suhmbuhdy help me!"

(Wade is stretched out on the other bench, typing his narrative.) "Huh?"

Pt: "HhhhheeeeEEEELPPPp meee..."

Me: "Do you want to keep the bari stretcher tonight? Cause, as much as I love your gorgeous face, I don't wanna see it at 3am."

Pt: "Help me!! Help mmmeeeEEEEE!!"

Wade: "I don't have a gorgeous face. Unless I'm drunk, then I have a gorgeous face."

Pt: "No you don't!! Help me!!"

:rofl:
 
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After picking a little old lady off the floor and helping her back to bed, my partner laid down on the floor where we found her and yelled "Well no wonder you didn't want to stay down there all night! That's not comfortable at all!"
 
After setting up a nc for blowby positioned in front of the mouth cause the patient had facial trauma from a wreck my partner instructs the patient...…Partner:Bite it lick it or suck on it just keep it there...Me:That just sounds dirty.....
 
TheLocalMedic said:
After picking a little old lady off the floor and helping her back to bed, my partner laid down on the floor where we found her and yelled "Well no wonder you didn't want to stay down there all night! That's not comfortable at all!"
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Ha. Now that's cute.
 
I was working in the lab over the weekend and we always get a few people who are scared to death of needles. My squad leader told one of them that I was his best bet for a good stick since I wasn't drunk any more :wacko:
 
The thing I like about having soldiers as patients is that there isn't much you cannot say to them.

"This wont hurt me one bit"

usually when they are nervous and ask me if im good at what ever procedure they are getting-

pt: "are you good at this? have you done it before?"
me: "I watched a guy do it once." or "this is my first day..."

"Don't pass out on me"

describing how they got hurt over the weekend doing something stupid

"WTH MAN! SERIOUSLY! AND YOU DIDNT THINK THIS WOULD HAPPEN!"
 
needs a partner to assist

trauma pt in pain on transport

me: at least you have a cool story to tell the ladies

partner: because having testicle trauma is something to brag about...

pt laughed so hard he forgot he had pain until he tried to cross his legs...
 
Old person has fallen and doesn't seem hurt but is a little embarrased. Family will almost always tell you "My Mom she fell" I will look down, well what did you do that for. Almost everytime the person on the ground will grin and I get some variation, well I thought it would be something to do. It works so often and every new rookie I have is shocked.

A wise man I know once told me, you don't have to know what to do, the people just have to think you do,
 
When transporting A&Ox4 little old ladies, I ask them not to beat me up in the back of the truck. That usually gets a smile.

Also, depending on the partner, I'll tell them they have the best looking crew on duty that day.
 
I know we're asking you a lot of questions but that's why we call you patients! You have to be patient with our line of questioning :)
 
Darkcyn said:
I keep a Magic 8 Ball in the truck. When patients ask me something, (usually something dumb like "Am I going to die?" when they have a twisted ankle) it's /shakeshakeshake "Signs point to yes."
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Brilliant! I'm so doing this on my next shift. We have a Magic 8 Ball at our quarters that we frequently consult, so it's going with me on the ambulance!

I bought one of those 'We Reserve the Right to Refuse Service to Anyone' signs and put it up above the back doors. When I had a patient who was giving me grief I'd point to it and say, "Better behave or you're walking the rest of the way!"
 
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