Funny one liners you've said to overheard to a patient

[Scout]

Doc in the ER has a habbit of saying " stand clear i'm discharging" while doing a shock.


The childish mentality i have always sees a snigger

 

[Pamela]

During my hospital clinical hours we had an elderly male pt come in with c/c of ams. We asked him the standard orienting questions like time and date and all that to which he replied that it was the month of poke and obviously it was 32 o'clock (all in a very smug manner). Then he turns and looks at me and goes "you should thank your mama for makin you so pretty." The attending replied well he may not know anything else but he knows a pretty girl when he sees one. Haha. Kinda sweet. Old people are my favorite.

side note: I wasnt so pretty later that shift when an od pt threw up her charcoal all over me.

 

[emt_angel25]

said by my partner to a "frequent flier".
"did you really have a seizure or did ya'll have a fight again and dont want to be here"

 

[emt_angel25]

Ever ask a pseudo-seizure, "Stop moving your arm so I can get a blood pressure", and their arm goes dead calm all the while the rest of their body is still shaking all over?

That's just fun to watch.

thats great we got one that will stand up and walk while hes "seizing" its great!!!!

 

[BossyCow]

Ever ask a pseudo-seizure, "Stop moving your arm so I can get a blood pressure", and their arm goes dead calm all the while the rest of their body is still shaking all over?

That's just fun to watch.

Gal complained to my husband's Chief because the medics didn't take her boyfriend's seizures seriously enough. She actuallly put into the complaint letter that he had been diagnosed at the Doctor's office with "Sudo Seizures" apparently one of the medics tried to define the word 'Pseudo' for her and she took offense.

 

[Outbac1]

My partner and I were called to the city lockup for a pt who's complaint was "low sugar". He had been picked up on an impaired driving charge and was trying to get out of it. So while my partner was getting vitals, (which were all normal), I asked. Why is your blood sugar low? "Because it is" He replies. "So you have diabetes." "Yes." "What do you usually take for your diabetes?" He replies. "Sugar."
He then agreed to stay in police custody.

 

[So. IL Medic]

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?".
(Keep that up and they'll demote me back to Lt!).

BOO!!!!:beerchug:

 

[So. IL Medic]

Doc in the ER has a habbit of saying " stand clear i'm discharging" while doing a shock.


The childish mentality i have always sees a snigger

Back in class, and being in the part of the state where they mean Southern, the defib training line of "I'm clear, you're clear, everybody clear" became "I'm clear, you're clear, y'all clear"

I still say "y'all clear?" before sparking the pt.....:blush:

 

[Short Bus]

I have so many of these...One of my favorites is an old partner getting all pissy with me when we were at an MVA with a car off the side of the mountain. It was on it's side pinned to a tree. I was down there talking with the pt. They were not hurt bad, but more stuck. My cell phone rang and since we were waiting on rescue, I answered it. She said "I can't believe you answered that!" I said, "well, I was not doing anything else at the moment

I also love walking into the ED and they say, "Gotta name?" I then proceed to tell them my name.

When I stick a pt, and they ask if it is going to hurt? I tell them, "I asure you...I wont feel a thing."

 

[el Murpharino]

Person being backboarded and lifted: "Please don't drop me"
Me: "We won't, we only drop people on days that end in Y".

To the lady after getting an IV: "Not bad for my first time, eh?"

From me to the ER nurse after a patient vomits all over the floor "that looks like cheese doodles and smells like peanut butter, don't you think?"...the nurse ran out of the room gagging.
From me to the other ER nurse in the room "Murph 1, ER 0". I didn't get a X-mas card from her that year

 

[Sasha]

A line I heard from a preceptor to a patient who asked if he was going to die.
No one dies on my rig, its too much paperwork. They die in the doorway of the ER.

My personal favorite isnt really a one liner but when my instructor/preceptor intubates, he grits his teeth.
TAKE IT!!!! Take it like the man you are!

 

[Bosco578]

a line i heard from a preceptor to a patient who asked if he was going to die.
no one dies on my rig, its too much paperwork. They die in the doorway of the er.

my personal favorite isnt really a one liner but when my instructor/preceptor intubates, he grits his teeth.
take it!!!! Take it like the man you are!

ummmm o.k.

 

[Sasha]

Should I add that he is trying to intubate our female dummy that is impossible to intubate with out tons of lube?
Ahaha.. Its funny at the time, I swear.

 

[Paranini]

Had a particularly difficult drunk pt who kept proceeding to tell me and the cops exactly what was going to happen and how we were going to do it (regardless of the fact that he was in custody). The cop finally had enough and informed the pt that this was not Burger King and he was not going to have it his way. My partner literally fell out of the ambulance laughing.

 

[mycrofft]

Pt had DT's, and my coworker...

found him alternately slapping at his clothing, then freezing and looking terror stricken.

"What's wrong?".

"SNAKES!".

"Here, I'll get 'im". (Grabs front of jacket). "Better?".

"Oh, yes, thank you, thank..."

"OOPS, got away!".

"A-A-A-AH!!! SNAKES,SNAKES!"......:blush:

 

[EMT_angel66]

O2 is important

Once I was taking in a pt that I had put on o2 and I took her off so that er could get a room o2 sat...Pt noticed as we were putting her on er stretcher that o2 was not hooked up and made the statement that no wonder she wasnt getting any o2 it wasnt hooked up without missing a beat I told her to blow in the end and she would get some o2 well I really lost it when she actually did it...lord I might have to explain that one on judgement day....lol

 

[HokieEMT]

Don't know if this really qualifies since it was after the fact but here it is:

My first call ever and it was during my clinicals for my EMT-B in VA. It was an MVC at about 1000 on a beautiful spring morning. An elderly couple rearended someone, claiming they never saw him. Our patient was the passenger a 74 yr old female. She was complaining of chest pain, but it didnt feel like an MI which she had had in the past. The chest pain was caused by the seatbelt. Here is the discourse of finding out what the pain felt like.

Medic(Attendent): What does the pain feel like?

Pt: Well it feels like what it feels like when you guys get hit in the balls.

M: Excuse me m'am.

Pt: Ya know that intense pain you guys get when your hit in the nuts.

M: Huh?

Pt: Ya know those things that hang between your legs.

M: Yes I know those.

Pt: Well thats the feeling a woman gets when she gets hit in the breasts.
(She had the seatbelt across her chest across one of her breasts.)

So we proceeded to attach a 12-Lead just to make sure all was ok.

Pt: What are ya trying to do feel me up or something?

M: Just laughs a little.

As were clearing the ER the medic makes a little side comment to the "feeling up" comment.

M: Oh yeah m'am your banana tits just really get me off.

Ensuing laughs from everyone.

 

[volunteer227]

I'm a volunteer from Ireland. My first ever "real" casualty was a guy that came off a motorbike and had an open lower leg fracture.

ME (Out of Breath): -> What happened? (Kinda stupid question considering there was a motorbike in several different parts spread accross the road..)

CASUALTY (Trying to get up): -> That *#!*'/% pulled straight out in front of me.

Me (Now Hypoxic): -> Lie down. Don't move..

CASUALTY: -> Ok. Ok.. Stop being a !*'/%. Is my bike ok?

Me (Under my breath but casualty still heard me): Its not nearly as *#!*'/% as your leg..

 

[medicsteve2000]

I was called to a condo at a ski hill in British Columbia. I walk up to the 20 something male patient who was sitting on the bed and asked him what happened. "Well, we were drinking all day......and decided to have a javelin throwing contest.".....what is that quote? Stupidity keeps us employed?

 

[sixmaybemore]

You can put me down as one well amused insomniac. I thought I was going to wake dh up laughing.