what is the funniest thing a patient has ever said or done to u?

a DT'ing alcoholic:
"Dude, I can't f**king believe I drank perfume".
Me:
"I can't f**king believe you drank perfume either".

But he had. A 100ml bottle of Giorgio. Poor SOB, his breath was wonderful...

I have seen them drink dollar store mouthwash dozens of times, but real parfum/EDT was a new one on me.
 
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Patient begging for narc: Give me something for this. Ow.
Me: Sir, they can do that once we get to the hospital.
Patient: Its your F*&$ing job! Do it!
Me: Just lay back and enjoy the ride sir, if you have any questions I'll be right behind you filling out some paper work.
Patient: YOU DISGUST ME!!!
Me: .....Prove it.

*silence all the way to the ER*
 
Leafmealone said:
Had a drunk at 2 in the morning stating he was diabetic and off his meds. So when we show up ALS and police are already there. He was making a scene with the police so I walked him into the ambulance with the ALS techs and I. The cops were in no mood to do MHA paperwork, and he had no need to go to the hospital other than he was drunk, so after much questioning he still didnt state he wanted to go to the hospital. Everyone else took turns trying to get him to say the magic words.
Then it was my turn. I looked at him and said "Ok, Why are we here? Why did you dial 911, and why are you in the back of this ambulance." to which he responded, and I swear to god, "I either wanted a cheeseburger, or I wanted to die."

It took me a second but I kept a strait face and said "Sorry sir, we dont have any cheeseburgers in the ambulance, and I'm not allowed to kill you. Which hospital do you want to go to?" "General" "Ok, lets go"

The cops and ALS techs were glad I could take him off their hands.

Thought I would start my time at EMTLIFE with a funny story. Hope you liked it.
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This story makes me very happy lol. I had a "possiby" intoxicated male tell me "I want me some WEED!!" to which I replied "I can't give that to you" he countered my arguement with "I want me some women then" of course the answer from me was "I can't give you any of that either" lol
 
I hope you all liked this thread because I sure did and tell other people to look at it and write down their funniest moments because these are right down hilarious.
 
Oh wow!! Soo funny!! I cant wait til I have fun EMS stories to tell.. Although i do have a LOT from my dementia pts while I was a CNA. I'll have to post them sometime. No time now! But thanks all for the laughs!
 
2 other first responders and I were at a FDGB for an elderly lady at her home. She's become somewhat of a frequent flier for us. Anyway the bus comes and starts discussing how we are going to re-arrange furniture to move her, and she says "oh my, I've never been surrounded by so many handsome young men before" :rofl: she was looking at my co-service director when she said it - who happens to be quite a jokester. His response: "Awww shucks"! Everyone burst into laughter. We went back to the station and since I was first on I had to do the paperwork. While I was reading the form aloud I came to the mental status area and said "altered, definitely altered mental status".
 
Im happy most of the new Paramedics at my station have to deal with the drunks.
 
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My funniest moment was exactly 1 day after my card came in the mail. It was about 11 PM and we were called to a rundown trailer park on the edge of town (This is how you know the call is going to be good). I arrive on scene in my personal car a little bit after the ambulance. Its a pregnancy call. The woman waddles out on her own and waves us off saying "I've done this before". She climbs up into the rig and lays down on the cot, refusing our assistance. 2 of her other kids with us, both barely walking age. It turns out the child on the way was her 5th. The back is crowded.

We have a retired medic with us, and a girl who had just failled EMT-B for her 4th go through a while back (I was happy she was there, she worked wonders calming the kids down), then you have 2 kids, a pregnant woman. The only two EMT's there (you know the ones "allowed" on a call) are myself and a good friend of mine who steps up and takes lead.

He's doing his assessment as we are not having any difficulties. He askes her:

"Will the father be meeting you at the hospital?"
"I hope so, that would be nice."
"Do you have any idea where he is or how we can reach him?"
"Oh no... my husband is probably out with his girlfriend."

Something in the way she said it was so calm... It made everyone of us laugh.

Wasn't until hours later when I reflected on it that I realized we all laughed at this woman's husband's affair. My only justification is "Hey, she laughed too".


Funnier story:
Another patient in the same neighborhood called us, I arrived on scene 10 minutes ahead of the ambulance. The husband (who is clearly strung out on something, my guess is pot) ushers me towards his wife. I gave up trying to communicate with him. I ask her "What seems to be the roblem today ma'am?"

No lie: "My vagina is falling out!"

Me: <blank stare>

her: "Do you want to take a look?"

Me: *without missing a beat* "No, thanks"

Husband decided to describe in great, horrifying detail a bulge "down there" the size of his fist.
 
My partner who is fairly new and I are doing an IFT. 84 y/o lady going for further treatment of dislocated shoulder. RN had just given her pain control by supp just before we went to load her onto our stretcher. She grabs my partner's butt and squeezes, looks up and him and goes "well if I had know how good lookin' you are I'd have let you give me my supp" and gives him a big wink.
The whole trip she kept trying to feel him up and I just drove and laughed!
 
saskgirl said:
My partner who is fairly new and I are doing an IFT. 84 y/o lady going for further treatment of dislocated shoulder. RN had just given her pain control by supp just before we went to load her onto our stretcher. She grabs my partner's butt and squeezes, looks up and him and goes "well if I had know how good lookin' you are I'd have let you give me my supp" and gives him a big wink.
The whole trip she kept trying to feel him up and I just drove and laughed!
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Lol, I've been hit on a few times by old ladies. It's a fun trip
 
This happened to me as a ride along:

Let me just say first, that I live in Iowa City (University of Iowa is the number 4 party school in the country, and we show it.)

This happened on Halloween weekend so plenty of...interesting costumes.

So needless to say we picked up countless drunks. Finally, on drunk pt. call number 4 in that hour, the officer told me to ask the student what his major is, to which he replied: Im a criminal justice major! please dont take me to jail! I wanna be a cop! I assured him i wasnt a cop and wasnt taking him to jail.

The irony: every kid we picked up that night seemed to be the same major. :)
The bigger irony: University of Iowa doesn't offer that major at all

Oh and we also picked up a girl that threw her dress off and jumped on the paramedic naked because she thought he was cute... I couldnt stop laughing. She was drunk (obviously).

And this was just as an observer
 
74restore said:
Oh and we also picked up a girl that threw her dress off and jumped on the paramedic naked because she thought he was cute... I couldnt stop laughing. She was drunk (obviously).

And this was just as an observer
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That sounds like my kind of call. I don't have any colleges nearby, but I've done a few drunks. Most of them were female...
 
Drunks are only entertaining for so long, then they get annoying.

Grandma with a suspected dislocated hip:

Pt to my partner: "I'm going to hit you if it hurts when you move me. You said the meds you gave me would keep it from hurting."
Partner: "If it hurts you can hit him (me), he's the new guy"
Pt: looks at me then back at my partner: "No, I'm going to hit you. He's better looking, I wouldn't want to mess up his pretty face. Plus he didn't lie to me..."

Ladies eat your hearts out ;)
 
NVRob said:
Drunks are only entertaining for so long, then they get annoying.
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Amen. Especially at 3am*

*Exception to this is if they are hot**

**99% of the time, they are not.
 
PoeticInjustice said:
Amen. Especially at 3am*

*Exception to this is if they are hot**

**99% of the time, they are not.
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Quoted for truth.

Tonight is the Santa Pub Crawl here. Supposedly they are expecting 10,000+ patrons. I start my shift at 0400, I'm sure I will have a decent shot at encountering some fairly intoxicated females at work tomorrow. As long as they don't puke on me or my partner I'm happy.
 
Had an IFT patient who spent the entire call trying to hit on me and my partner, she kept calling us "Babe" or "Baby" and asked for my phone number when I was working on the chart.

Then we had a pt the other day who slapped my partner and stole his pen...
 
Relieved pain

Possible drug seeker, with a mysterious wondering pain (isnt it alway). Says he needs the good stuff, I say I got your good stuff and he will feel this right away. SOOOOO I push a 10 ml preload and he relaxes and eyes roll back and lets out a long mmmmmmmm. "Thats the ticket". Well I say to him dont tell anyone but ill give you another hit, and i upped his dossage to a wopping 20 mls of saline. Made his day and said over radio 10/10 paint relieved entirly by 20 mls of n.s.
 
When I was driving a wheelchair van...I had brought one of the regulars home from the doctor and she asked me if I minded getting her mail out of her box for her as she had trouble getting her chair over to the boxes and reaching down and using the key and such so I said sure NP bent over to get her mail and she pinched my ***.....:rofl:
 
johnrsemt said:
Had a drunk, when given the choice of going to jail or to the hospital with us; look at my partner and state "He has driven me to the hospital before, I want to go to jail instead". ROFLMAO never let my partner forget that one.
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All I can say is WOW:rofl:
 
Had a patient hold my hand and tell me what a great thing I was doing getting involved in EMS at such a young age.

Might help to know that I barely look old enough to drive and I've had people question me about the legitimacy of my driver's license when I buy tobacco or lottery tickets.
 
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