The Tale of the Zip-Tie and the Purple Shaft

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Forum Ride Along
Once upon a time, in the wonderful white-trash park of mobile homes, was a patient of which I could only assume was autistic. (No reported history. I’m autistic myself, so don’t get offended.) We has received a message of a teen boi who had fallen ****-first into a zip tie in the day’s early. I was just a mere pupil of the paramedical arts, and that evening I was following the great medical knight of AMA’s. The only thing worse than his permanent scowl, was the way he would refuse to do the arcane arts we call ALS. His base salary of 108,000 gold pieces per year, nor his oath to care for those who cannot care for themselves, would bring him to care for anything but slumbering and watching TV back at the fire-castle.

As we approached the lair of the boi, we see a ’large‘ adult aged teenager panting shirtless in the front yard. He appeared to be in distress. Upon questioning the boi, he spoke in great riddles. “I DOHNT NOH. IT HARTS, I DOHNT NOH.“ The AMA Knight asks him to step inside the rolling dwelling. Inside we see a pair of grandparents in matching rocking chairs. The grandmother has a scowl worse than the AMA knight, with a fixed gaze of the dead. The grandfather on the other hand, had the gaping open mouth of the dead, and I’m 69% convinced was legitimately dead.

The AMA king requests for the boi to drop his pants in front of the grandparents, frustrated before we even got started. The boy replies, “OOHKAY, I CAHNT, OKAY I WILL, I CANT BUT I WILL.” This truly was a riddle to stump even the smartest of men. The boi starts to take off his shoes and socks, which causes the AMA King to immediately fly into a blind rage. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, I SAID DROP YOUR PANTS!” He shouted, nearly breathing fire. “I HAVE TO DO IT, I CAHNT I HAVE TO TAKE IT OFF.“ The boi countered. He worked his way from shoes, to socks, to pants, to underwear. Finally, I was able to witness the purple beanstalk with the swollen helmet the size of a NFL player’s. It was MAGNIFICENT. The zip tie, was as tight as a prom queen. He was in pain, and I started thinking of how we could remove this..

I see the grandmother slowly move forward in her rocking chair before speaking..“YOU'RE A ****ING IDIOT.” She screamed at the boi. The room fell silent, and I honestly started to feel bad for the guy. The AMA king forces the boi to walk to the ambulance, where he is questioned on why he would asphyxiate his turkey as he did. He claims he does not know, but it happened before school. It’s been on there for 10 hours. As a very stupid student, I suggest using my new trauma shears to cut it off. This immediately gets me yelled at.

Long story short, the doctor at the ER grabs a vial of ketamine and smiles at us as we walk away.

So what did I learn? Be kind, no matter how “annoying” your patient is. As strange as this guy was, he deserved MUCH better than he got. As a paramedic being paid 1/3 of what he is paid, I‘ve never treated a patient with such disrespect.


Forum Deputy Chief
I think this story would have been way funnier if written in plain English and straight to the point. The added medieval theme undertones was too much work for so little return.


The fire extinguisher is not just for show
Not to sound ignorant, but why not cut the zip tie off? I wouldn't recommend trauma sheers, but a ring cutter would probably work.

Compression syndrome concerns? I mean, it's a relatively small organ... albeit slightly swollen.

I'm not saying cut it off and sign AMA, but it might help to restore blood flow with his member no longer constricted, at least make him a little more comfortable for the ride to the hospital...
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