"Best" things heard in dispatch

Crew: Do you have any further info on location?
Dispatch: The call is for a hook in a foot. Check by the fishing pond.

===========
Engine: Do you have a report of a fire at [location]?
Dispatch: affirmative....
*pause*
Dispatch: Were trying to get it together here.
 
A few of my favorites from over the years:

Fire Dispatch: <insert Department here> need you to respond...uhhhhh...potential fire...uhhhh...*looks at screen for address, which is there*...uhhhhh....*looks at screen again for address*...uhhhhh *gives wrong address, corrects himself*

Responding unit: Potential Fire? Is it a....structure fire? brush fire? couch on fire?

and another one from my fire days...

Brush unit responding to a natural cover fire, with one at an outlying station. As the responding unit approaches, over county fire..."Here comes the F**king brush truck!"

aaaand one more over County Fire

"Brenda will you just give the g*dd*m* sandwich?!
 
Last weekend one is f the other medic units at my station was dispatched for "a toe that done popped off".

True.
 
PD on scene - "there's two parties trees by a moose"

Dispatch - "yeah it's that time of year again."

PD- "it looks angry"

Fire "Establishing Angry moose command"
 
Dispatch sent 1 engine for a 'bush' fire next to a gas station. After engine marked en route and was close they requested a box alarm for a 'G**D**m BUS fire". Oops the problem 1 letter will cause when typing
 
Dispatched for a MVC with entrapment: upon arrival found 2 old ladies trapped in a wheelchair crash.
95 y/o was pushing a 84 year old in a WC. Off a 12" high curb, when the chair went off, the pusher followed her, both got tangled up. ended up with 5 FF, and 3 EMS trying to get them untangled, didn't help that both patients were hitting anything and everything they could reach. Including us,

Also didn't help that we were laughing so hard
 
"Vaginal breathing",... and that was not only said via radio, but was in the actual text dispatch as well.
 
Just something I heard over a radio scanner
*dispatch*- medic (blank) where are you staged?

*medic*- truck's parked under pedestrian bridge by the river

*medic*- (in Chris Farley voice) IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER
 
"caller is repeating ' I dont ****s with the asthma. cant ****s with the asthma'. nothing further"
 
In one area that my agency runs 911 in, law enforcement always needs a reason to respond if it's not an emergency. On a particular call, the pt wanted to go to the hospital by ambulance and the family was insistent on bringing him themselves. At this point, the situation had gotten a little tense with the family so PD was called:

Medic: Dispatch, can we get PD to this location?
Dispatch: PD wants to know why...
Medic: Family is unwilling to let pt go by ambulance
Dispatch: PD wants to know what priority to respond...
Medic: [Annoyed] No need to come in guns blazing, but if they could step away from the donut shop now, that would be ideal
 
Not my agency thank goodness, but taken from a coworker.

A tower was dispatched, by itself for a "high rise" maternity... Luckily crews realized the error and added an ambulance to the high risk maternity.
 
Off the top of my head I can't think of all the strange things I've heard but here are some good ones that I can recall.
"I don't really need the paramedics help, I just need them to drive me. I'm certified in first aid and CPR, I know what I'm doing"
"Me and my boyfriend like to have sex in the shower and I always dislocate my shoulder. The doctor told me to come to emerg if it happens again." *Facepalm*
 
The best thing I've heard was when I was working a Tough Mudder in Lake Elsinore, CA. Over the radio we hear a medic ask, "Do we have any tampons?" The medical direction was not having a fun day that day and replies with, "Yes, yes we do have FEMENINE HYGEINE PRODUCTS." It was the tone and the manner of medical direction that cracked everyone up!
 
Our dispatch is stupid.

Dispatch: Medic 1 respond to (address) ground level fall 27 year old male patient code blue.
Medic 1: "Medic 1 confiring, ground level fall (address) is not breathing?
Dispatch: Negative Medic 1, ground level fall..

Some of our other EMT's listen on the county radio lol, they were dead from laughing. 99.999% the dispatcher said it because it sounded cool, their leadership is so messed up in dispatch.
 
EMDispatch said:
In no particular order:

"So... The aliens are on your roof?"
"You can stop doing CPR, if they're talking to you they don't need it"
"Your house is on fire? .... Get the F--- out of the house!"
"You need the police to take your child to school?"
"I'm sorry I don't have the time to tell you how to tie your tie."
"What is the Pink elephant saying to you?"
"I'm sorry I don't know the hours for McDonalds."
"You chased the turkey across the road... and now it's angry at you?"
"So you're calling because the deer aren't crossing between the signs?"
"How many hours have has it been like that? oh, days... yep they say to call after a few hours."
"There's and accident where? Oh, you can see the emergency vehicles on scene? Yes we're aware of the accident"
"You got---- stuck in your ----"
"So you called the police, but don't want them to respond or take a report?"
"They stole your crack?"
"No I don't know how long it'll take at the hospital"

Sorry for the rez, but I had to share some.
Click to expand...

Stolen crack!! Priceless!!
 
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