I am starting to have doubts about being agnostic. Now there is a statement loaded with irony if I ever saw one...Anyway, the direction I am leaning is not towards atheism, either.
Actually, I shouldn't say "leaning"...maybe being pulled? Or more like falling into. I don't know.
For a long time, I have felt that religious people have something I don't, and that's a sense of inner peace, or serenity, or ease. They might not always act like it on the outside, but when I get to know someone who believes in their religion, it seems that they take comfort in their beliefs. And that's something I lack, but want. The trouble for me has always been that intellectually, I could not fathom believing in anything of a religious nature, some kind of supernatural or supreme deity, entity, or power.
But some things have happened to me during the last week or so. Pretty much right before I posted the "Somebody please just shoot me" comment in the 100% Directionless thread. Because at that moment, I really did want to die, so I posted that, knowing it wouldn't be taken seriously, yet meant absolutely seriously. I feel like my life is already over, anyway. I need help. I used to see a therapist, and shouldn't have stopped, but I did, because I was stupid. I've made an appointment to see him but that won't be for another two weeks, and in the meantime, I am in serious danger of not making it to that appointment. I need someone, or something, to turn to.
I can't afford much alcohol, so rather than getting drunk for the next two weeks, I tried to find some other options, and realized that when religious people have problems, they pray. I can't pray. I can't sit there and project thoughts at some entity I don't seriously believe in, which is really a lie because I do it all the time...How many agnostics and atheists actually do "talk" to God? "Oh God no," or, "Please, God," or, "God damn it," those are all examples of talking to God, and I think those are things that many people say, even if they don't really think they believe in God. But anyway, to get back on the point of this paragraph, I don't really know about praying right now, but I figured I could take an intermediate step and go see a priest.
Have you ever seen a movie in which a character realizes his problem is so bad that it can only be solved with help or guidance from God, and the only way he can get it is to talk to God in church, as if He won't hear you anywhere else? So the character goes into a church, when there's no mass, and the church is empty. He sits in one of the pews and prays, or just talks, or thinks in his head. After a few minutes, a priest comes into the church from some side room, and notices the man, and walks over to him. The priest asks if everything is OK, and the man says yes, but starts describing his problem anyway, and the priest usually has something very simple yet surprisingly helpful to say. And the man leaves, with a clearer sense of purpose in mind, now knowing what he must do to solve the problem.
Well, that's what I want.
Except I guess it doesn't work like that in real life. I went by a church and the doors were locked. I guess God wasn't home. I had to call and make an appointment. I'm going tomorrow, I'll check back here and let you know if I've found the path to enlightenment or not...
