Ems faq

ollie

Forum Crew Member
94
0
6
Q. Do you need to go to school for this or can anyone do it?
A. You have to go to school, it is long and hard and most of the people involved like to abuse the hell out of you while you are doing it.

Q. Hey, Ambulance dudes, how do I get to the Dead concert at the Oakland Coliseum? (or any other request for directions)
A. Hmm, well,uhhh. I'm sorry I don't think you can get there from here.

Q. I'm seeing things, will you take me to the hospital?
A. Sure, if you are seeing rats and bugs we will take you to County Hospital, if you are seeing music and hearing colors we will take you to the Berkeley border and drop you off, you'll fit right in.

Q. Do you like you like your job?
A. Yes, in spite of everything I do like my job.

Q. Do you make a lot of money?
A. Not enough by a long shot. At least not after my State, Local, and Federal Government gets through with my check.

Q. How come the Police come to the call with you? A. Investigation, crowd control, and to keep me from getting my *** kicked by an irate bystander/family member/patient.

Q. How come all the Firefighters come to the call too? What do they do?
A. Beats the hell out of me, it's not like the patient is on fire or anything!

Q. Have you ever seen a dead body?
A. Yes, in all the various states of decomposition and putrefaction. I've even seen maggots in ones that weren't dead yet.

Q. Do you have anyone (like maybe a patient) in the in the back of your ambulance right now ?(asked while we are sitting in the unit eating lunch in the parking lot of Doug's Bar-B-Q.
A. No patients. Only the Paramedic Student; don't bug him, he's a stress case and might crack.

Q. What antacid is best for a stomach ache (asked in the parking lot of 7-11 at 03:30 a.m.)?
A. Pink, white or green pay your money and take your chances.

Q. Do you have any spare change?
A. Take a hike, I don't believe there is such a thing as spare change.

Q. Can I have bus fare to get to the hospital?
A. Yes, if it means you won't take an emergency rescue vehicle out of service so you can get to a routine appointment for your toothache and if you promise to quit bugging me.

Q. How long have you been doing this (asked by a recently hired rookie Paramedic)?
A. Let me figure it out. Since you were in second grade, partner.

Q. How come you are smoking that pipe , don't you know that is bad for you?
A. How can pipe tobacco be bad for you? If it was bad for you they couldn't sell it at Walgreens Drug Store. Right?


Q. Can me and my four kids ride in the back with my boyfriend to the hospital?
A. No.

Q. Can I ride up front on the way to hospital?
A. Maybe, if I like you and think you wont bug my partner in the back.

Q. How fast will your ambulance go?
A. I don't pay that close of attention, faster than my employer would be comfortable with, most likely.

Q. Is he going to make it?!! Is he going to make it?!! (asked in reference to a patient who puked after too many 40 ounce bottles of Old English 800 Malt Liquor).
A. Yes, I am sure that in spite of our best efforts , he will survive.

Q. Can I have a band-aid?
A. This is an ambulance, our band-aids are 8 inches x 6 inches. How many do you need?

Q. What happened? (at an minor fender-bender auto accident).
A. Plane crash!

Q. What happened? (outide of a house where a person was having shortness of breath).
A. Plane crash!

Q. What happened? (at a plane crash)
A. Shark attack!

Q. What does EMT stand for?
A. Every Menial Task, Eggcrate Mattress Technician

Q. What does the EMS on the side of your rig stand for?
A. Earn Money Sleeping, now please let me get back to earning some money, thanks.

Q. Do you have an extra one of them urinal bottles. I have to piss real bad.
A. No. We don't carry those any more but thank you for sharing.

Q. What is the worst thing you have ever seen?
A. A 12 gauge shotgun blast to the left side of a woman's face that didn't kill her, so she was writhing on the floor and trying to scream through the blood running out of her mouth with a good part of her face missing. Either that or it was the 6 month old baby who died because his drugged out parents left him on the floor heater grate until he was so cooked that the flesh of his fingers split away from the bones. Now aren't you sorry you asked?

Then of course the tables can be turned when u ask a stupid question.......
Q. How old are you (to a little kid) A. 6,<> Q. When will you be 7? A. On my birthday!!!

Q. Are you always this much of a smartass?
A. No, I am usually much worse, but the medication is helping.

Q. Why did you bring the patient here?
A. I guess the sign out front that says "Emergency Department; Physician on duty" fooled me into thinking that this was a hospital that treated patients!

Q. Do you think the patient can be triaged to the lobby?
A. Since they demanded transport for a refill on their prescription I am sure that the lobby is more than an appropriate place for them to go. Unless you can triage them to the parking lot or the nearest bus stop.

Q. How come the patient didn't just call a cab or take the bus?
A. Because the taxi services and the bus lines are smart enough not to take Medi-cal instead of cash payment.

Q. What are the patients bowel sounds? (On a critical 'auto vs. tree' patient).
A. Since we were on the side of the freeway and now are enroute to the hospital the bowel sounds pretty much resemble a diesel engine.

Q. Did you look for ID?
A. Sorry, no. I might find guns, knives razors and crack pipes during the physical exam but I am not going to reach into his pockets looking for ID and find a needle.

Q. What's the patient's name? What's the patient's name?!! (on a cardiac arrest victim).
A. I don't know, I asked him four times after he coded and he wouldn't answer me once!

Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nurse reach into his pockets looking for ID and find a needle.

Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nurse, same code).
A. If we're doing CPR right he should have a pulse rate of 80-100/min, 24 respirations/min, and a blood pressure of maybe 40 systolic.
:p
Q. Can we clear? We don't do this medical stuff. (Fire Captain).
A. Yes, you can clear. I am sure there is a La Z Boy recliner and a quart of ice cream waiting for you somewhere.

Q. Is he dead? (Different Fire Captian, same department).
A. What tipped you off? The dependant lividity, the rigor mortis, or maybe the ants crawling in and out of his nose?

Q. Why can't you hold over for a few hours this morning? (Managment).
A. Why not? I've only been awake for 26 hours straight and been puked on twice, I think it is safe to say I would rather floss my teeth with barbed wire.

Q. Can you guys hear the siren when it's on while you are in the cab of your ambulance?
A. What?! You will have to speak up I can't hear you from all the years of listening to the siren inside this ambulance.
:p stay safe out there
 

TransportJockey

Forum Chief
8,623
1,675
113
This looks like a list out of one of the two Devin Kerrins books :p
 

MedicSqrl

Forum Crew Member
97
0
0
Great post! I think I have heard people ask most of these, but unforunately I was too busy or nice for the proper response..lol
 

ihalterman

Forum Crew Member
96
0
0
Great, thanks for thee giggle. I am printing these to post in class. :D
 

mycrofft

Still crazy but elsewhere
11,322
48
48
Pasadena?!

Knock-Knock-Knock-...Ollie?
Knock-Knock-Knock-...Ollie?
Knock-Knock-Knock-...Ollie?
Knock-Knock-Knock-...Ollie?
Knock-Knock-Knock-...Ollie?
:ph34r:
 

emt_angel25

Forum Lieutenant
202
1
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bahahahaha.......thats to funny....i have tears :p
 

AVPU

Forum Lieutenant
101
1
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love it! thanks for sharing!!!
 

adamjh3

Forum Culinary Powerhouse
1,873
6
0
Heh, when I did my ride-along the other day, we were cleaning the rig after dropping a Pt off at Kaiser. This guy drives up and parks right behind our rig, gets out and asks "Is this the hospital?"
 

Seaglass

Lesser Ambulance Ape
973
0
0
Q. Can I have a band-aid?
A. This is an ambulance, our band-aids are 8 inches x 6 inches. How many do you need?

True story: I recently was standing in line on duty, when some girl comes up to me. She says she's bleeding "really badly" and needs a bandaid right now. I ask her what happened, and shows me a little papercut which is barely showing blood. You should've seen her face when I told her that we didn't carry small bandaids, that she'd need to have all vital signs and history taken, and that she'd have to sign a waiver. She then got even more huffy and stomped off.

I wondered if one of my friends had put her up to it, but apparently not.
 

Bloom-IUEMT

Forum Lieutenant
135
0
0
Q. What does EMT stand for?
A. Every Menial Task, Eggcrate Mattress Technician

You forgot Every Medics Trained B**ch

Q. What is the worst thing you have ever seen?
A. A 12 gauge shotgun blast to the left side of a woman's face that didn't kill her, so she was writhing on the floor and trying to scream through the blood running out of her mouth with a good part of her face missing. Either that or it was the 6 month old baby who died because his drugged out parents left him on the floor heater grate until he was so cooked that the flesh of his fingers split away from the bones. Now aren't you sorry you asked?

Jesus christ! I'm going to have nightmares.
 

TransportJockey

Forum Chief
8,623
1,675
113
EMS F-A-Q... I think you might have seen a G instead of a Q at the end
 

trevor1189

Forum Captain
376
0
0
Q. Can I ride up front on the way to hospital?
My partners always know the answer to that is no. The only time that family/friends/etc get to ride in the ambulance is if they are hurt also or I need them in the back for communication purposes (deaf, children, etc). Up front is useless and it just adds possible patients if the ambulance would be in an accident and they tend to distract my driver. Not cool.
 

JPINFV

Gadfly
12,681
197
63
How are they going to be any more or less distracting than you riding up front on the way to or returning from a call?
 

trevor1189

Forum Captain
376
0
0
Because I don't ask stupid questions all the way to the hospital about whats going on in the back. I also help the driver navigate and doublecheck intersections when responding. That's how! :)
 

JPINFV

Gadfly
12,681
197
63
Sorry, but your drivers apparently suck at driving then...
 
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