What's the dumbest thing you've said to a patient?

Just this morning I had a patient tell me a hilarious one-liner.

We were dispatched to the interstate where a vehicle was reported driving the wrong way on the interstate. We live in rural Montana, so there aren't a lot of people out and about at 0400. PD picks the guy up and brings him to us at the station. The intoxicated male told the officer that he *might* have low blood sugar- hence why we were dispatched at all.

My partner was doing everything possible to get this guy out of a DUI (she's nice like that). We did a 3-lead, checked a sugar (which was fine), checked pupils, did a stroke screening, everything possible! Finally, I had just concluded that he simply is drunk. My partner began to agree. The guy swore he had low blood sugar still.

So before we released him to PD, I asked the guy "So, what did we learn this morning?" (I was expecting a "don't drink and drive" sort of response)

And the guy says to me: "Well. I learned that next time if I am going to try and get out of this that I need to come up with something that you guys can't test."
 
To a patient- Had a female fall patient immobilized when she said "I feel like my boots are crooked" to which I responded, "Well ma'am on of them is hanging off the backboard give me a minute and i will grab it and fix that for you." My partner looked at me like I was crazy. Turns out she said "Feels like my boobs are crooked."

To a receiving facility-(half dead from sleep deprivation) "The patient is showing a cardiac rhythm on the Sinus monitor" Didn't catch that one until I got into the ER and a few nurses wandered over laughing wanting to see this new piece of equipment I had....
 
Patient: "Just kill me"
Me: "I can't do that, unfortunately"

:rolleyes:
 
Combative, restrained, coked up pt tells me, "I'm going to take you to hell, mother f***er!" My response, "But we just left your house?"
 
In order to get a quantified pain rating off of a woman have chest pain I asked "If zero was no pain, and 10 was having your leg chopped off (I usually use childbirth with women but this lady did not have children), what would it be?" She proceeded to lift her left pant leg revealing her prosthetic leg and immediately placed my foot in my mouth for me.
 
I think she would have been able to give you an accurate pain level then. :)
 
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I was maybe a week into my first EMT job. We got a call for a seizure and the female pt was on the couch trying to get up. She had skinny legs, skinny arms, chubby face and her abdomen looked like she was about 7 months pregnant. She kept trying to get up so I told her, "Ma'am please just stay seated. You've had a possible seizure and you're pregnant, we don't want you to fall".. Her eyes just got super wide and she looked at me and screamed "I'M ****ING FAT! NOT PREGNANT, YOU IDIOT!".... Yeah, never said the "p" word again unless it was confirmed beforehand lol.
 
I was at the hospital with a 93yr old patient talking to the charge nurse, the patient was there because of catheter issues, but instead of saying that I said "the patient is complaining about a tube going from his penis to his bladder". The charge nurse looking kind of shocked/confused said "oh, you mean a catheter".
 
cruiseforever said:
Asking the male in the house how old his mother is. He said she is my wife. There was at least 35 year age gap between the two. Now I always ask, How are you related to the pt. before asking more detailed questions.
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I did that while pronouncing a patient. We were called to a hospice to pronounce a cancer patient and the husband was there. At the time I didn't know relationship between them so I asked "Mother?" I felt like an utter cretin. Still can't look that man in the eye :-(
 
LenaLena26 said:
I was maybe a week into my first EMT job. We got a call for a seizure and the female pt was on the couch trying to get up. She had skinny legs, skinny arms, chubby face and her abdomen looked like she was about 7 months pregnant. She kept trying to get up so I told her, "Ma'am please just stay seated. You've had a possible seizure and you're pregnant, we don't want you to fall".. Her eyes just got super wide and she looked at me and screamed "I'M ****ING FAT! NOT PREGNANT, YOU IDIOT!".... Yeah, never said the "p" word again unless it was confirmed beforehand lol.
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Dave Barry says “The only time you should assume a woman is pregnant is if you see a baby coming out."
 
First time in the ED rotation for EMT clinicals, went to go fetch the next patient from the waiting room. Patient is sitting in a wheelchair and I ask him if he can walk back to the department or if I need to push him. Ooops, paraplegic. He looked at me like I was the stupidest person on the planet, it was mortifying.
 
pt accidentally pulled out his catheter at home and wasn't able to drive.. when I walked in he was laying there with his pants off, holding his junk -completely straight faced- and announced "mam, I'm prepped and ready for my new piss tube."
 
I once asked my partner to get a SAMPLE history.

He reminded me of those people at certain fast food restaurants. "Any fries? Any coke? Anything else?"

He opened his notebook like a waiter and asked like this: "Any allergies? Any medications? Any past medical history? Anything for lunch today?..."

To be fair, I was also a super fresh rookie. I panicked with a BP of 90/P, forgetting that for the kid's age, that was perfectly fine. The cavalry came running and explained this to me, and I was very embarrassed.

Not a great call on any side of it.
 
Had a combative male who was deffeninatly nuts acuse me of with holding the cure to AIDS and being part of a conspiracy to introduce crack cocaine to the black inner cities. I responded "The cure to AIDS is in the back of this ambulance you just have to lick the floor enough times."
 
escapedcaliFF said:
Had a combative male who was deffeninatly nuts acuse me of with holding the cure to AIDS and being part of a conspiracy to introduce crack cocaine to the black inner cities. I responded "The cure to AIDS is in the back of this ambulance you just have to lick the floor enough times."
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Probably not the best approach.

Primum non nocere and all that jazz..
 
escapedcaliFF said:
I don't think that really applies to that situation.
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I don't know about you, but I would say that, generally, feeding a combative patient's delusions, especially encouraging them to lick an ambulance floor, falls under "doing harm"

Just my opinion though.

Then again, this thread is about the dumbest things said to patients.
 
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