1. It is not the policy of this ambulance service to "clear the room" when responding to a frequent flyer shortness of breath patient. So give the flashbang grenades back to the SWAT team and get on with your job.
2. The rule against forming a union at this service also apply to forming a guild hall.
3. Not allowed to reenact scenes from Monty Python's Life of Brian on scene.
4. My job description does not include the charge to "winnow out the weak". With that caveat, high explosives need not be included in the jump kit.
5. Fishnet stockings are not to be worn while on duty, even if they are not visible under my pants.
6. Not allowed to frighten livestock by "mooing" at them through the PA mike on the ambulance
7. Not allowed the Grim Reaper outfit while on duty (not even on Halloween). Or the Easter Bunny costume, or the Cupid suit, etc.
8. We do not sell advertising space on the ambulance, our uniforms or on the jump bags. We also can not drag advertising banners behind the ambulance. And yes you have to give back the money.
9. It is not the role of the service's public information officer to tell obscene jokes in front of the press. This is why you are no longer the PIO.
10. Not allowed to diagnose psychological problems and "shallow gene pool"is not listed in the DSM-IV anyhow. Ditto for "too stupid to f---ing live"
11. "I was bored" is not an excuse for anything done in the crew quarters with a bullhorn, a goat and a storm whistle.
12. Not allowed to continue to use the Organ Procurement Organization cooler to store my lunch.
13. It is possible to consume too much coffee before going on a call.
14. When my rhythm on an EKG changes from sinus rhythm to something that the cardiologist had a hard time identifying, I have achieved #13.
15. Must leave the noble art of dentistry to professionals
16. Yes, we are professionals, but not that kind of professional.
17. About the cattle prod.....get rid of it NOW.
18. It is wrong to require the rookie to serve as a test subject when CCSD Deputy Best wants to try out his new super-potent pepper foam.
19. Must not require the EMT students to take a loyalty oath in German
20. Not allowed to put fake blood capsules in your mouth before walking up to a frequent flyer.
21. Must stop waving hand over psych patients and saying "The Force is strong in this one".
22. About the battering ram, two words: BAD THEORY.
23. Must not prove the medical director or EMS supervisor wrong when they say "you wouldn't dare!?".
24. Must not dip the ensign when the EMS supervisor or medical director drives by.
25. The proper response to a board of inquiry is not "But 'treason' is such a harsh word."
26. It is wrong to point out that the neighboring district's black uniforms with a red patch on the left arm are inappropriate for various historical reasons given the fact that there's a synagogue next to their station. Especially must not point this out to the press.
27. The "Buddy Christ" statue (http://store.yahoo.com/jsbstash/budchrisdass1.html) is to be removed from the dash of the ambulance immediately.
28. Station 6 can not secede from the rest of the district.
29. There is no such thing as "The 2x4 of Immunity" and I should stop swinging it at drunk patients who have repeatedly had the sh-t beat out of them in order to attempt to render them immune to future trauma.
30. It is wrong to willfully exacerbate the fears of my patients.
31. Must stop chanting "Patients are the enemy..I must eliminate my enemy!" while listening to "Conflict" by Disturbed at a volume that would deafen the guys from Deep Purple.
32. The proper way to perform a dopamine calculation does not involve, in any way shape or form, knowing the airspeed velocity of a sparrow, either laden or unladen.
33. I am not allowed to exacerbate my supervisor's feeling of nameless dread.
34. I am not allowed to pull up behind a parked semi while my partner is sleeping in the passenger seat of the ambulance, lay on the horn and scream "LOOK OUT!!!!!!!!!"
35. Not allowed to refer to the proctologist as "that a--hole doc" anymore.
36. Not allowed to mark my unit out of service in order to respond to the Bat Signal, no matter what dastardly danger threatens fair Gotham.
37. In regards to #36, "bat nipples" are not part of a proper EMS uniform.
38. From now on, if a patient's chief complaint involves "I was bitten by a plague rat", I will contact medical control and let them know about this PRIOR to contacting the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
39. The proper German translation of EMS Supervisor" is "Rettungsdienstleiter", not "Rettungsfuhrer" so I will take that sign off of the door immediately.
40. Not allowed to stand idly by while stupid probie firefighters nearly asphyxiate themselves because of thorough unfamiliarity with their SCBA's.
41. Not allowed to bite the drug dog.
42. Not even if "he tried to bite me first!"
43. Not allowed to lick ER nurses.
44. A flying tackle is not the appropriate way to get a chief's attention.
45. Not allowed to elect a stuffed penguin the new volunteer EMS supervisor.
46. Not allowed to bring a baby alligator to the station and announce that it?s ?the new mascot?.
47. Not allowed to play to the Chief?s delusions of godhood.
48. Not allowed to assemble hamster tubes throughout the station to ?give the little guys room to play!?
49. Not allowed to answer honestly when Game Warden asks what we were going to do with a 12 ft python we removed from someone?s house.
50. Especially not when the answer to #49 involves the words ?chief?s office?
51. ?Because I got tired of telling the b-stard to be careful? is not an acceptable excuse when your partner finally shocked himself while defibing a patient.
52. I will not refer to stroke pts as CCFCcP (coo coo for cocoa puffs).
53. I will not surgilube the door handles of the supervisors vehicle.
54. I will not call dispatch and ask them for a tone test immediately after my partner goes into the bathroom or shower.
55. I will not spike a 1000 bag of fluid and leave it on top of the tire and run the tubing in the window over the drivers seat so the next person to drive the rig gets wet.
56. I will not turn on the enemy's (translated: rival company) lights and sirens while they are in the ER with a pt so that when they turn the truck on they make a lot of noise, nor will i tape down the airhorn button after filling the airhorns with hand cleanser foam....
57. I will get my paperwork done on time.
58. I will stop wasting time online adding things to lists in order to comply with #57!
59. No spreading D50 on the steering wheel of another paramedics rig. Especially when the barn has an ant problem.
60. Company IV supplies are not to be used for a D5W hangover cure.
61. Not allowed to place an ad in the newpaper in which the says "Spacious imaculatly clean two story house in good order for sale complete with :4 car garage, Full size kitchen, fenced in back yard, 12 bedrooms, 4 offices, 3 bathrooms, 2 shower rooms, 4 poles for easy access to bottom floor, and it has an Excelent intercom system" Then place the chief's personal cell phone as the call number with intructions to call between 8:00Pm to 8:00am.
62. Not allowed to put methylene blue dye in everyone's coffee before a urine drug test (It turns their urine the same color as the dye they put in the toilet to keep you from diluting the specimen).
63. Not allowed to tie the EMT student into a Stokes litter and run them up the flagpole and leave them there over night.
63. Not allowed to play Ludacris' "Move B*tch" over the loud speaker when running hot.
64. Not allowed to "remix" the sirens to get a funky beat on lights and sirens
65. Not allowed to play mail box bingo with the ambulance
66. not allowed to long strap the probate to the bed on their first night and smear surgilube and foam alcohol all over them
67. not allowed to tell probate that they must sleep in the truck on their first night "because it's your job to make sure gloves and equipment are ready to go upon the click of the mic
68. not allowed to use the ambulances spot lights in order to jack deer on the back roads at night
69. Not allowed to fill a rubber glove with 02 in the parking lot with a trail of alcho rub hand cleaner, so as to light it with a match from a safe distance. Contrary to popular belife the neihbors do not enjoy this.(neither do the police nor the fire dept.)
70.Not allowed to clean out the inside of a fuel tank with water while it is still running. (it is supposed to smell like that)
71.Not Allowed to switch the bathroom door with the glass door from the front of the station.
72.Not allowed to turn my supervisors door handle to his office around so it locks from the outside.
73.You are not allowed to tell a pt with an obvious STD "that is some s--t that Ajax won't scrub off.
74.You are not allowed to say over the radio about a local PD "that is OK, Pr---e is nothing but security with a gun"
75.You are not allowed to get on the radio and ask LCSO if any of the deputies need O2, no matter if the median age for badges 1-6 is 62 years old.
76.You are not allowed to tell a frequent flyer "Why the hell did you do that, that is about the stupidest thing you have done this month, go wash it off or I ain't taking you to the ER" after they have explained that the dog licked their toe for 2 days after they bumped it, and they don't think that it should be a green color.
77.NEVER wear house shoes with no skid proof bottoms to run into the station on a late night call.
78.NO matter how hard it is to contain yourself, you may NOT ask the trooper who showed up on the scene of the accident, "I am so glad you made it, is there anyway that I can get tickets to the annual troopers ball?" they will simply reply "troopers don't have balls"
If you have any please post them, Lets see how many we can come up with.
2. The rule against forming a union at this service also apply to forming a guild hall.
3. Not allowed to reenact scenes from Monty Python's Life of Brian on scene.
4. My job description does not include the charge to "winnow out the weak". With that caveat, high explosives need not be included in the jump kit.
5. Fishnet stockings are not to be worn while on duty, even if they are not visible under my pants.
6. Not allowed to frighten livestock by "mooing" at them through the PA mike on the ambulance
7. Not allowed the Grim Reaper outfit while on duty (not even on Halloween). Or the Easter Bunny costume, or the Cupid suit, etc.
8. We do not sell advertising space on the ambulance, our uniforms or on the jump bags. We also can not drag advertising banners behind the ambulance. And yes you have to give back the money.
9. It is not the role of the service's public information officer to tell obscene jokes in front of the press. This is why you are no longer the PIO.
10. Not allowed to diagnose psychological problems and "shallow gene pool"is not listed in the DSM-IV anyhow. Ditto for "too stupid to f---ing live"
11. "I was bored" is not an excuse for anything done in the crew quarters with a bullhorn, a goat and a storm whistle.
12. Not allowed to continue to use the Organ Procurement Organization cooler to store my lunch.
13. It is possible to consume too much coffee before going on a call.
14. When my rhythm on an EKG changes from sinus rhythm to something that the cardiologist had a hard time identifying, I have achieved #13.
15. Must leave the noble art of dentistry to professionals
16. Yes, we are professionals, but not that kind of professional.
17. About the cattle prod.....get rid of it NOW.
18. It is wrong to require the rookie to serve as a test subject when CCSD Deputy Best wants to try out his new super-potent pepper foam.
19. Must not require the EMT students to take a loyalty oath in German
20. Not allowed to put fake blood capsules in your mouth before walking up to a frequent flyer.
21. Must stop waving hand over psych patients and saying "The Force is strong in this one".
22. About the battering ram, two words: BAD THEORY.
23. Must not prove the medical director or EMS supervisor wrong when they say "you wouldn't dare!?".
24. Must not dip the ensign when the EMS supervisor or medical director drives by.
25. The proper response to a board of inquiry is not "But 'treason' is such a harsh word."
26. It is wrong to point out that the neighboring district's black uniforms with a red patch on the left arm are inappropriate for various historical reasons given the fact that there's a synagogue next to their station. Especially must not point this out to the press.
27. The "Buddy Christ" statue (http://store.yahoo.com/jsbstash/budchrisdass1.html) is to be removed from the dash of the ambulance immediately.
28. Station 6 can not secede from the rest of the district.
29. There is no such thing as "The 2x4 of Immunity" and I should stop swinging it at drunk patients who have repeatedly had the sh-t beat out of them in order to attempt to render them immune to future trauma.
30. It is wrong to willfully exacerbate the fears of my patients.
31. Must stop chanting "Patients are the enemy..I must eliminate my enemy!" while listening to "Conflict" by Disturbed at a volume that would deafen the guys from Deep Purple.
32. The proper way to perform a dopamine calculation does not involve, in any way shape or form, knowing the airspeed velocity of a sparrow, either laden or unladen.
33. I am not allowed to exacerbate my supervisor's feeling of nameless dread.
34. I am not allowed to pull up behind a parked semi while my partner is sleeping in the passenger seat of the ambulance, lay on the horn and scream "LOOK OUT!!!!!!!!!"
35. Not allowed to refer to the proctologist as "that a--hole doc" anymore.
36. Not allowed to mark my unit out of service in order to respond to the Bat Signal, no matter what dastardly danger threatens fair Gotham.
37. In regards to #36, "bat nipples" are not part of a proper EMS uniform.
38. From now on, if a patient's chief complaint involves "I was bitten by a plague rat", I will contact medical control and let them know about this PRIOR to contacting the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
39. The proper German translation of EMS Supervisor" is "Rettungsdienstleiter", not "Rettungsfuhrer" so I will take that sign off of the door immediately.
40. Not allowed to stand idly by while stupid probie firefighters nearly asphyxiate themselves because of thorough unfamiliarity with their SCBA's.
41. Not allowed to bite the drug dog.
42. Not even if "he tried to bite me first!"
43. Not allowed to lick ER nurses.
44. A flying tackle is not the appropriate way to get a chief's attention.
45. Not allowed to elect a stuffed penguin the new volunteer EMS supervisor.
46. Not allowed to bring a baby alligator to the station and announce that it?s ?the new mascot?.
47. Not allowed to play to the Chief?s delusions of godhood.
48. Not allowed to assemble hamster tubes throughout the station to ?give the little guys room to play!?
49. Not allowed to answer honestly when Game Warden asks what we were going to do with a 12 ft python we removed from someone?s house.
50. Especially not when the answer to #49 involves the words ?chief?s office?
51. ?Because I got tired of telling the b-stard to be careful? is not an acceptable excuse when your partner finally shocked himself while defibing a patient.
52. I will not refer to stroke pts as CCFCcP (coo coo for cocoa puffs).
53. I will not surgilube the door handles of the supervisors vehicle.
54. I will not call dispatch and ask them for a tone test immediately after my partner goes into the bathroom or shower.
55. I will not spike a 1000 bag of fluid and leave it on top of the tire and run the tubing in the window over the drivers seat so the next person to drive the rig gets wet.
56. I will not turn on the enemy's (translated: rival company) lights and sirens while they are in the ER with a pt so that when they turn the truck on they make a lot of noise, nor will i tape down the airhorn button after filling the airhorns with hand cleanser foam....
57. I will get my paperwork done on time.
58. I will stop wasting time online adding things to lists in order to comply with #57!
59. No spreading D50 on the steering wheel of another paramedics rig. Especially when the barn has an ant problem.
60. Company IV supplies are not to be used for a D5W hangover cure.
61. Not allowed to place an ad in the newpaper in which the says "Spacious imaculatly clean two story house in good order for sale complete with :4 car garage, Full size kitchen, fenced in back yard, 12 bedrooms, 4 offices, 3 bathrooms, 2 shower rooms, 4 poles for easy access to bottom floor, and it has an Excelent intercom system" Then place the chief's personal cell phone as the call number with intructions to call between 8:00Pm to 8:00am.
62. Not allowed to put methylene blue dye in everyone's coffee before a urine drug test (It turns their urine the same color as the dye they put in the toilet to keep you from diluting the specimen).
63. Not allowed to tie the EMT student into a Stokes litter and run them up the flagpole and leave them there over night.
63. Not allowed to play Ludacris' "Move B*tch" over the loud speaker when running hot.
64. Not allowed to "remix" the sirens to get a funky beat on lights and sirens
65. Not allowed to play mail box bingo with the ambulance
66. not allowed to long strap the probate to the bed on their first night and smear surgilube and foam alcohol all over them
67. not allowed to tell probate that they must sleep in the truck on their first night "because it's your job to make sure gloves and equipment are ready to go upon the click of the mic
68. not allowed to use the ambulances spot lights in order to jack deer on the back roads at night
69. Not allowed to fill a rubber glove with 02 in the parking lot with a trail of alcho rub hand cleaner, so as to light it with a match from a safe distance. Contrary to popular belife the neihbors do not enjoy this.(neither do the police nor the fire dept.)
70.Not allowed to clean out the inside of a fuel tank with water while it is still running. (it is supposed to smell like that)
71.Not Allowed to switch the bathroom door with the glass door from the front of the station.
72.Not allowed to turn my supervisors door handle to his office around so it locks from the outside.
73.You are not allowed to tell a pt with an obvious STD "that is some s--t that Ajax won't scrub off.
74.You are not allowed to say over the radio about a local PD "that is OK, Pr---e is nothing but security with a gun"
75.You are not allowed to get on the radio and ask LCSO if any of the deputies need O2, no matter if the median age for badges 1-6 is 62 years old.
76.You are not allowed to tell a frequent flyer "Why the hell did you do that, that is about the stupidest thing you have done this month, go wash it off or I ain't taking you to the ER" after they have explained that the dog licked their toe for 2 days after they bumped it, and they don't think that it should be a green color.
77.NEVER wear house shoes with no skid proof bottoms to run into the station on a late night call.
78.NO matter how hard it is to contain yourself, you may NOT ask the trooper who showed up on the scene of the accident, "I am so glad you made it, is there anyway that I can get tickets to the annual troopers ball?" they will simply reply "troopers don't have balls"
If you have any please post them, Lets see how many we can come up with.
