Patients say the darndest things

[samiam]

What are the best responses/questions you have had patients ask?


Doc: "Sir are you currently taking any medications?"
Patient: "No.. but I was cleaning out a slimy pipe yesterday"
Doc: "Did you eat any of it?"
Patient: No....
Doc: "Thank you I will be right back"

Doc: "Sir I think you may have scabies"
Patient: "Awww man really so do I have Ecoli?"
Doc: Facepalm..."no"

Me: Sir you pressed your call light can I help you?
Patient: "Ummm yea my hernia popped back out and I cannot get it back in"
Me:.........umm ok what would you like me to do about that
Patient: Oh I don't know
Me: Ok thank you sir I will tell your nurse
Me: that dude wanted me to tell you his hernia popped out
Nurse: Yeah so what do you want me to do about it?

 

[Kamischke]

to 83 y/o patient A&O x 2 and confused

me- maam can you tell me how old you are?
patient- me uh im 32 dollars
me- 32?
patient- yeah 32 dollars
me- oh.. ok 32 dollars.
patient then starts talking about how she has a 17 dollar old son

 

[MrBrown]

Brown: Can I have some ketamine, this panadol is not working
Registrar: I will have to ask the Consultant
Brown: I am taking the piss
Registrar: Oh, let me get you something a bit stronger then

 

[LucidResq]

911 call from man who told me he had information about a theft suspect. I could instinctively tell something was amiss up there just based on his speech (hard to explain but you would understand hearing the call), but he hadn't given me enough information to put in a call for the theft suspect stuff, or said anything crazy enough for a welfare check. So I kept asking questions, and 5 minutes in was rewarded with...

"Well to be honest with you, I'm an Imperial Guard of the Morgalex Galaxy Empire, and John Doe is an intergalatic fugitive I've been pursuing."

 

[Aerin-Sol]

Brown: Can I have some ketamine, this panadol is not working
Registrar: I will have to ask the Consultant
Brown: I am taking the piss
Registrar: Oh, let me get you something a bit stronger then

What does that mean in 'merican? =p

 

[Anjel]

88 y/o male pt

Me: Sir can I get you anything?
Patient: Yea a couple of 18 yrs old and a room with a lock.
Me: um... No.
My partner: Sounds like a good time.

 

[Aidey]

Brown: Can I have some ketamine, this panadol is not working
Registrar: I will have to ask the Consultant
Brown: I am taking the piss
Registrar: Oh, let me get you something a bit stronger then

What does that mean in 'merican? =p

Brown: Can I have some ketamine, this tylenol is not working.
Registrar: I will have to ask the doctor.
Brown: I'm being a smart arse.
Registrar: Oh, let me get you something a bit stronger than


That is a rough translation.

 

[Martyn]

Not a patient but a relative. We get toned out for a 91yr old female, fall at home. On way we get told over the radio that pt is concious and breathing. When we get on scene poor old lady is sitting in her wheelchair, head tilted back, mouth wide open. We put her on the stretcher, 3 lead shows asystole and death is confirmed. Family produce a valid DNR so we stand down from panic mode. Son says 'Mom fell a few hours ago so I picked her up and put her back in her wheelchair. About half an hour ago I looked and thought that mom didn't look right so I called 911'. Another occupant of the house, a soon to be retired school teacher, then says to me 'Oh, so thats what the death rattles sound like. Yeah, I heard it about half an hour ago, I always wondered what it sounded like' I just looked at her and said 'Really?'.

 

[clibb]

to 83 y/o patient A&O x 2 and confused

me- maam can you tell me how old you are?
patient- me uh im 32 dollars
me- 32?
patient- yeah 32 dollars
me- oh.. ok 32 dollars.
patient then starts talking about how she has a 17 dollar old son

Stroke?

 

[STXmedic]

Partner to patient in early 20s: Do you have any drug allergies?

Pt being completely serious: Uhh... I don't know... I haven't tried them all yet....

*facepalm*

 

[fortsmithman]

Partner to patient in early 20s: Do you have any drug allergies?

Pt being completely serious: Uhh... I don't know... I haven't tried them all yet....

*facepalm*

I like that one.

 

[JPINFV]

Partner to patient in early 20s: Do you have any drug allergies?

Pt being completely serious: Uhh... I don't know... I haven't tried them all yet....

*facepalm*

You should provide proper health education by telling him that you won't know if you're allergic until the second time you try them...

 

[sirengirl]

This happened just today-

80something y/o male whose home CNA called because he had been "acting off" ever since he fell a few days ago. Cue to us putting him in bed at the ER and the RN is getting his med hx from the computer files. I'm typing my narrative on the Toughbook.

RN: (looking at past history) "I see you had a gunshot wound?!"
Pt: "What?"
RN: "A gunshot wound! To your abdomen, from a long time ago."
Pt: (nods) "Oh, yeah."
RN: "Where's it at? I wanna see."
Pt: (putting down hospital gown to show her the scar over his epigastrum) "Right here."
RN: "Oh wow, you WERE shot. What did you do?!"
Pt: "Oh, it's just one of those things that happen when you live in New York."

I swear to god I DFO laughing....

 

[SnaKiZe]

This happened just today-

80something y/o male whose home CNA called because he had been "acting off" ever since he fell a few days ago. Cue to us putting him in bed at the ER and the RN is getting his med hx from the computer files. I'm typing my narrative on the Toughbook.

RN: (looking at past history) "I see you had a gunshot wound?!"
Pt: "What?"
RN: "A gunshot wound! To your abdomen, from a long time ago."
Pt: (nods) "Oh, yeah."
RN: "Where's it at? I wanna see."
Pt: (putting down hospital gown to show her the scar over his epigastrum) "Right here."
RN: "Oh wow, you WERE shot. What did you do?!"
Pt: "Oh, it's just one of those things that happen when you live in New York."

I swear to god I DFO laughing....

I'm sorry, I know DFO stands for Done Fell Out..
But what exactly does that mean/entail?

 

[crazycajun]

Partner tells Female PT who is constantly whining about everything "Look lady. This syringe contains a medication that is going to make one of us very happy and feel no pain. If you don't shut up that person is going to be ME!!!! PT says go ahead and take it, i've got my own in my purse.

 

[crazycajun]

Had a PT that fell from the roof of his home. While doing my assessment I checked for Priapism. The wife asked what was I doing so I told her. She asked what did Priapism mean so I told her. She then told me if he had it she would rather us come back in a few hours.

 

[Anjel]

Old pt with dementia and probably alzheimers keeps grabbing on to my partners hand and flirting with him.

Partner: Ma'am I need you to hold still and let me do my work.

Pt: OHH... You never kiss me like you used to!

Funniest thing ever. lol

 

[bigbaldguy]

I had a passenger on my plane the other day who was maybe 85 had suffered a major stroke and had severe dementia who would try and grab my goods ever time I walked by then would cackle like a madwoman. She managed to latch on once and I'm telling you that little shriveled hand was like a vice. She also threw peanuts at me every time I turned my back on her. she was awesome.

 

[samiam]

Had a PT that fell from the roof of his home. While doing my assessment I checked for Priapism. The wife asked what was I doing so I told her. She asked what did Priapism mean so I told her. She then told me if he had it she would rather us come back in a few hours.

That's classic!! lol why would a fall cause it though?

 

[sirengirl]

I'm sorry, I know DFO stands for Done Fell Out..
But what exactly does that mean/entail?

Well in this context it meant that I was doubled over stumbling out of the room trying and failing to control my laughter...