rayemtjax77
Forum Probie
- 20
- 0
- 0
Hi all. This is kinda hard for me to post, but I am having alot of issues dealing with several codes that I have worked since I started this profession and thought that since this is a EMS site.. I could pick everyone mind about things.
I have been to therapy and they all have told me that they do not know what I need to do to try and fix it. So I was talking to another EMT a few weeks ago and he told me to write it all out... and post it someplace. Trying to bring it out in the public. So.. here it goes...
Raymond
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do this in memory…
On December 25, 1994 , I responded to a infant cardiac arrest call at approximately 8am. I was the first to arrive on scene. I ran inside to be directed into a bedroom to the right side of the house. There in view a lifeless 8wk infant little girl. I immediately assessed the little girls airway and begin my treatment. The little girl was breathless and pulseless. I began CPR on her until my dad, which was a Lieutenant on the fire department. He asked me what I had. I advised him to contact the dispatcher and place a helicopter on stand by and to have rescue to hurry up. When I heard the rescue unit arrive on scene, I scooped up the child and ran out the door with her and into the rescue unit. By this time I had been doing CPR on her for over 20 minutes. I laid the baby down on the stretcher and continued CPR. The Paramedic begin to get ready for a airway insertion. Once the little girl was intubated, I was doing compressions only.. and we had stopped to feel for a pulse. There was one. No ACLS was started at this point. The paramedic called for Life Flight to be enroute. I had my fingers on the little girls Brachial pulse.. when all of a sudden.. it stopped. I began compressions one more.. than the engine company arrived. Once they arrived, I stepped out and began to assist with the Landing Zone prep. I hear over the radio the med report given to the life flight crew. As Life Flight arrived, the rescue crew advised that they had gotten a pulse back. Then a few seconds later, I hear that they lost it again. By this time, the life flight crew had already gotten in the back of the rescue to receive care of the little girl. As I am standing at the back of the rescue, I see the doors fly open, and they pull out the stretcher. CPR had been started yet again. By this time, I was starting to blame myself for not doing something right. I was feeling such heaviness on my chest. I began to cry. As they loaded the child into the helicopter and took off, I listened to the med report enroute. They had gotten back and lost the pulse 2 more times. Now I was really blaming myself HARD. All I could do is replay the episode over and over to see what I did wrong… or what I could do differently.
About 2 days later, I was called by the Shift supervisor on for Rescue. She told me that the child had passed away about an hour after arriving at Baptist. I completely lost it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
January 31, 2008
A pretty busy night in the ER. The Charge nurse was on the recue phone when she looked at me and pointed to room 20, our recess room. When I went in, I saw the pediatric crash cart in the room. My heart dropped into my stomach. While myself and about 3 others get the room ready, the charge nurse came in and told us that we has a 3 year old was found in the tub unresponsive. My mind started to race at a very high pace. Images on my last pediatric code started to come into my mind. I started to get really nervous. I thought about leaving and getting someone, but I felt obligated…. Obligated to try to make this right. When the rescue got there, we started working. I assumed chest compressions from the fire department staff. It was your "not normal" code that we have all ran in the past. Orders were being shouted, emotions could be cut with a knife it was so thick. We worked the child for an hour and a half…. And I never stopped compressions. All the time while I was doing this, all I could do is think about my children, think about that little girl that I tried to save back in 1994. I was seeing pictures of them, thinking it was them that I was doing the compressions on. I was very focused. The DR finally said that we could not do any more. There was not a dry eye in the room. We were preparing the child for the family to come into see him. One of the nurses made a sexual remark about one of the pharmacist that was in the room earlier. I went off on him telling him that "This was not the time or the place to be making dumb *** remarks like that". Then the family came in and starting crying and yelling. That is when I lost it. I ran out the department, out the ambulance entrance. I could not control it, I started crying like there was no tomorrow. I cried so hard for about 20 minutes. I could not stop thinking about my kids, the family, and the team members that helped try to save that child’s life.
_________________________________________________________________
February 4th, 2008
I was doing my ride time with Jacksonville Fire/Rescue Department. We had a pretty uneventful day. I had planned on leaving about 5pm. About 4:02pm a call came in about a Cardiac Arrest. That is all we knew. We ran out to the truck, Got fastened in and headed out. It was not until then that I looked at the computer screen and saw that is was a 6 month old that was in Cardiac Arrest. My heart Started pounding… my breathing got faster… I started to panic. I felt nauseous and wanted to stop right there and leave. I started thinking about the event that I had the previous week. Before I knew it we were stopping and getting out. The Engine Lieutenant ran inside the house and brought the baby out. I had looked out the back just for a second when I saw him doing this. I started to panic. This was exactly how my first situation happened… and then images started flooding my mind. It was very hard to stay focused. I did chest compressions on the baby until we reached the hospital. When we turned care of the baby to the hospital, I went back out to the truck and wanted to cry so badly. But I couldn’t. Nothing was coming out yet my insides were tearing up. After putting the truck back together… it all started to pour out.
It was totally silent. The rescue officer said "Raymond, you did some good compressions on the baby." I answered "Thanks". After a few more minutes, I asked if it would be ok if I left as soon as we got back to the station. He said that it was ok.
I wanted to quit… I was scared to go back to work. I was scared to go home. I was scared to drive home. I was a mess.
_________________________________________________________________
March 6th 2009
My 3 day back as a tech in the ER after being on light duty in the peds department as a clerk. I looked at the assignment sheet and noticed that I was in peds. I should have said something, but was not going to because I did not want to get anyone upset. I worked the department very well. A little lost as to where things were. But found my way through it. At about 0545 am, the rescue phone rang. There was an infant coming in, cardiac arrest. I did not think I would be able to make it. I started to get ready, get everything setup. About 5 minutes passed and they arrived. We slide the patient over and I immediately started compressions. I already felt the tears welling up inside my body… from very deep inside. I am looking down and seeing images of all the kids that I have had to do this to in the past. I was loosing my focus. I had to listen to what was going on. The DR in control of the baby’s airway was a young DR and I saw the hurt in her eyes well. After about an hour, my nurse manager came in and saw what was going on. She mouthed to me asking me if was doing ok. I told her no. She started to walk on the other side of the little girl and put gloves on. She asked me if I wanted her to take over. I should have told her yes, but was determined to make it through this. I told her no. We worked the baby for about an hour and 45 minutes. The attending asked if there was anything else that anyone could think of that we could do. Then the attending called time of death. I started to cry.. but held it in for a little bit longer until we got everything cleaned up for the family. After that was done, I walked outside. My wife was walking out of the parking garage and she said “Hey baby.. how was your night?” Then she said “Oh no…” My head hit her shoulder and I lost it. I started crying. And did so for a while after that.
I have been to therapy and they all have told me that they do not know what I need to do to try and fix it. So I was talking to another EMT a few weeks ago and he told me to write it all out... and post it someplace. Trying to bring it out in the public. So.. here it goes...
Raymond
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do this in memory…
On December 25, 1994 , I responded to a infant cardiac arrest call at approximately 8am. I was the first to arrive on scene. I ran inside to be directed into a bedroom to the right side of the house. There in view a lifeless 8wk infant little girl. I immediately assessed the little girls airway and begin my treatment. The little girl was breathless and pulseless. I began CPR on her until my dad, which was a Lieutenant on the fire department. He asked me what I had. I advised him to contact the dispatcher and place a helicopter on stand by and to have rescue to hurry up. When I heard the rescue unit arrive on scene, I scooped up the child and ran out the door with her and into the rescue unit. By this time I had been doing CPR on her for over 20 minutes. I laid the baby down on the stretcher and continued CPR. The Paramedic begin to get ready for a airway insertion. Once the little girl was intubated, I was doing compressions only.. and we had stopped to feel for a pulse. There was one. No ACLS was started at this point. The paramedic called for Life Flight to be enroute. I had my fingers on the little girls Brachial pulse.. when all of a sudden.. it stopped. I began compressions one more.. than the engine company arrived. Once they arrived, I stepped out and began to assist with the Landing Zone prep. I hear over the radio the med report given to the life flight crew. As Life Flight arrived, the rescue crew advised that they had gotten a pulse back. Then a few seconds later, I hear that they lost it again. By this time, the life flight crew had already gotten in the back of the rescue to receive care of the little girl. As I am standing at the back of the rescue, I see the doors fly open, and they pull out the stretcher. CPR had been started yet again. By this time, I was starting to blame myself for not doing something right. I was feeling such heaviness on my chest. I began to cry. As they loaded the child into the helicopter and took off, I listened to the med report enroute. They had gotten back and lost the pulse 2 more times. Now I was really blaming myself HARD. All I could do is replay the episode over and over to see what I did wrong… or what I could do differently.
About 2 days later, I was called by the Shift supervisor on for Rescue. She told me that the child had passed away about an hour after arriving at Baptist. I completely lost it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
January 31, 2008
A pretty busy night in the ER. The Charge nurse was on the recue phone when she looked at me and pointed to room 20, our recess room. When I went in, I saw the pediatric crash cart in the room. My heart dropped into my stomach. While myself and about 3 others get the room ready, the charge nurse came in and told us that we has a 3 year old was found in the tub unresponsive. My mind started to race at a very high pace. Images on my last pediatric code started to come into my mind. I started to get really nervous. I thought about leaving and getting someone, but I felt obligated…. Obligated to try to make this right. When the rescue got there, we started working. I assumed chest compressions from the fire department staff. It was your "not normal" code that we have all ran in the past. Orders were being shouted, emotions could be cut with a knife it was so thick. We worked the child for an hour and a half…. And I never stopped compressions. All the time while I was doing this, all I could do is think about my children, think about that little girl that I tried to save back in 1994. I was seeing pictures of them, thinking it was them that I was doing the compressions on. I was very focused. The DR finally said that we could not do any more. There was not a dry eye in the room. We were preparing the child for the family to come into see him. One of the nurses made a sexual remark about one of the pharmacist that was in the room earlier. I went off on him telling him that "This was not the time or the place to be making dumb *** remarks like that". Then the family came in and starting crying and yelling. That is when I lost it. I ran out the department, out the ambulance entrance. I could not control it, I started crying like there was no tomorrow. I cried so hard for about 20 minutes. I could not stop thinking about my kids, the family, and the team members that helped try to save that child’s life.
_________________________________________________________________
February 4th, 2008
I was doing my ride time with Jacksonville Fire/Rescue Department. We had a pretty uneventful day. I had planned on leaving about 5pm. About 4:02pm a call came in about a Cardiac Arrest. That is all we knew. We ran out to the truck, Got fastened in and headed out. It was not until then that I looked at the computer screen and saw that is was a 6 month old that was in Cardiac Arrest. My heart Started pounding… my breathing got faster… I started to panic. I felt nauseous and wanted to stop right there and leave. I started thinking about the event that I had the previous week. Before I knew it we were stopping and getting out. The Engine Lieutenant ran inside the house and brought the baby out. I had looked out the back just for a second when I saw him doing this. I started to panic. This was exactly how my first situation happened… and then images started flooding my mind. It was very hard to stay focused. I did chest compressions on the baby until we reached the hospital. When we turned care of the baby to the hospital, I went back out to the truck and wanted to cry so badly. But I couldn’t. Nothing was coming out yet my insides were tearing up. After putting the truck back together… it all started to pour out.
It was totally silent. The rescue officer said "Raymond, you did some good compressions on the baby." I answered "Thanks". After a few more minutes, I asked if it would be ok if I left as soon as we got back to the station. He said that it was ok.
I wanted to quit… I was scared to go back to work. I was scared to go home. I was scared to drive home. I was a mess.
_________________________________________________________________
March 6th 2009
My 3 day back as a tech in the ER after being on light duty in the peds department as a clerk. I looked at the assignment sheet and noticed that I was in peds. I should have said something, but was not going to because I did not want to get anyone upset. I worked the department very well. A little lost as to where things were. But found my way through it. At about 0545 am, the rescue phone rang. There was an infant coming in, cardiac arrest. I did not think I would be able to make it. I started to get ready, get everything setup. About 5 minutes passed and they arrived. We slide the patient over and I immediately started compressions. I already felt the tears welling up inside my body… from very deep inside. I am looking down and seeing images of all the kids that I have had to do this to in the past. I was loosing my focus. I had to listen to what was going on. The DR in control of the baby’s airway was a young DR and I saw the hurt in her eyes well. After about an hour, my nurse manager came in and saw what was going on. She mouthed to me asking me if was doing ok. I told her no. She started to walk on the other side of the little girl and put gloves on. She asked me if I wanted her to take over. I should have told her yes, but was determined to make it through this. I told her no. We worked the baby for about an hour and 45 minutes. The attending asked if there was anything else that anyone could think of that we could do. Then the attending called time of death. I started to cry.. but held it in for a little bit longer until we got everything cleaned up for the family. After that was done, I walked outside. My wife was walking out of the parking garage and she said “Hey baby.. how was your night?” Then she said “Oh no…” My head hit her shoulder and I lost it. I started crying. And did so for a while after that.