Spicy Baconator Warning

Bosco578

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I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure
that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening
I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented
'You're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff,
albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your
arse cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their
way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create
the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as
thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just
when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery
store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a
cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It
wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the
restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us
at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a
revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the
small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and
before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which
would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning
shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly
enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before
been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile
odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to
leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle
and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been
torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean,
and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as
she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of
odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses
and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about
her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course,
made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had
ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a
shotgun.


Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the
whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand assplosion
took place.


Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat
because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in
while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and
Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonuvabitch!',
then quickly left.


Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a
few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the
store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a
minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'


That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted,
'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager.
I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too
kindly not to return.


Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing
to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next
day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that
because we are in court over the whole matter. :censored::censored::censored::censored::censored::censored::censored:s claim
they're going to have to repaint the store..

From one of the memebers of another site.
 

johnrsemt

Forum Deputy Chief
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laughed so hard I had to stop reading halfway through and go do something else. my ribs hurt, it was so funny.
thank you
 

Blacke00

Forum Lieutenant
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Had to forward that to my wife, she had to stop reading and watch College Gameday, to allow her eyes time to dry and her breath to catch up... =D
 

traumateam1

Forum Asst. Chief
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Hahaha! That is just great. I had to actually go away from the computer to catch my breath and allow the pains in my stomach to go away! The girlfriend was laughing pretty hard too.
Thanks for the post, I needed that laugh!
 
OP
B

Bosco578

Forum Captain
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He is a pretty funny guy. Every time I read it and get the visual in my head...awsome! lol!
 

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