Mentor/Newbie Relationship

[sucked-in]

Ok. I know this has been brought up before, and I've read all the pros and cons about "relationships" in EMS. My problem is, I've already decided that he is worth it, but I apparently am not worth it to him. For reasons I won't go into, I CAN'T stop my feelings for him. The reason he gave me for not letting it happen is that he's too old. If that is the case, I have told him that I will wait until he thinks I'm old enough (I'm 22 now, 21 when we met, so its not like I'm illegal.) I worked at the same hospital ambulance with him for 3 mos. but do not currently work there due to getting fired for an unknown reason. Anyone's thoughts or advice welcome - for your info, I think I may be an alcoholic.

 

[Epi-do]

I am sorry to hear you are so frustrated with the situation with this guy. From what you are saying though, my best advice to you would be to work through your problems with the booze. Concentrate on you right now, get yourself back on track, and then worry about a relationship with someone else. Best of luck to you!

 

[firetender]

You already know the answers.

If somebody says he doesn't want you, beleive him.

Yes, you CAN help it.

From this point on, alcoholism would most likely be a disease of choice for you. You're young enough to not be a down-and-outer with a fried brain that makes it impossible to quit, and you're old enough to know whether or not that's what you want for your life.

...and remember, the falling doesn't mean anything. It's the picking yourself up that counts.

You'll do fine!

 

[Flight-LP]

Ditto on what others have said. You WILL NOT change him, if he doesn't want you, then thats all she wrote. Focus on getting your life back together. Don't allow yourself to fall into a self destructing trap for someone who sounds like he wasn't worth it in the first place. Keep your head high and good luck.........

 

[sucked-in]

I know, I know, I know. If he says no, believe it and move on. But he has sent conflicting answers. Like spending time for two months showing me how everything works and then giving me his number on my last ride along shift. Our first conversation on the phone - he says, "I like you and was curious to know if you like me. Is that stupid?" -Which led to what might be called the ahem, climax, of the story.
Then there's me second guessing everything and why doesn't he seem to want to talk, i suck, what did i do wrong
"You didn't do wrong. I'm too old. That is wrong. You need to stop texting me please."
"Not until you tell me what is wrong. Please, for my sanity."
Then he ignored me.

...a little more in depth for my saga. How would YOU handle this? From both sides of story.

 

[akflightmedic]

reason he gave me for not letting it happen is that he's too old.

Hmmmm, I do not know why we are bashing the guy.

First, he was her "mentor" and he waited until the last day of her ride out to give her his number. This was very professional on his part as he waited until he would no longer mentor her to see if the next step was possible.

Second, when he called, his conversation was very direct. Kudos for that. Why beat around the bush. He asked flat out if you like him and let you know he was interested in you. Major props!

Third, evidently during that conversation or others, he realized the maturity levels were too much for him to handle. If not that, there is something that he does not feel right about the situation. Again, kudos to him as he did not beat around the bush. He told you up front he is no longer interested and to stop contacting him.

How can he make it any clearer? This guy sounds like a straight shooter and I like his path of communication. He doesn't play games or keep you in the dark. He does not need to give reasons or justify anything to you.

If he isn't feeling it, (which he isn't), his only responsibility is to inform you so you can leave him alone and move on.


Also please note your quote above, where you stated he didn't let anything happen cause he was too old. He sounds like a very smart man. Maybe flirted a little realized it wasn't right and backed off. This is totally acceptable behavior. He is not stringing you along and making false promises.

It is you who will not leave him alone.

Personally I think it is your self admitted addictive personality; you are young and new to the field (and the world), and you became very INFATUATED with an older, experienced man. Now the problem is you will not let go and move on.

You also sound very needy and probably have self esteem issues that require constant validation, from the questions you ask and the bit of your conversation to him that you presented to us.

Again this is YOUR issue not his, he owes you nothing as he has stated his position clearly.

Forget about it and move on..you have other more critical issues to fix that affect you more personally than a man ignoring you.

 

[piranah]

wow...harsh flightmedic...but you are correct...i hate it when people beat around the bush....he was straight foward..honest.....but girls dont like it when your honest unless it benifits them....^_^

 

[BBFDMedic28]

i know it might be hard but give it up. You are young andthere are plenty of other guys out there.... espescially in EMS

 

[BossyCow]

wow...harsh flightmedic...but you are correct...i hate it when people beat around the bush....he was straight foward..honest.....but girls dont like it when your honest unless it benifits them....^_^

Not true piranah, many women appreciate honesty and integrity in their men. Oh, wait, you said girls.......


Sucked in, you stated in your post that you think that you 'might' be an alcoholic..... do you think at a time in your life, when you are barely an adult and are confessing to an inability to drink responsibly, that you are in any place to begin a relationship? You need to get your own :censored: in order before you have enough of a sense of self to be in a relationship. If you were to start AA or any other form of substance abuse counseling, the first thing your counselor or sponsor would tell you is to avoid starting a relationship.

You are looking for the gray areas in your interactions with this guy to see if you can find some sort of yes in the very definite no he has given you. "I know he says no.. but did he mean it????" Of course he did, he's a guy! Don't go looking for hidden meanings, possible positive outcomes, get over it!

EMS is not high school, we are all grown ups in this profession. People are counting on us to be professional, mature and responsible. If you are not ready to cultivate those attributes in yourself and add in a touch of self control and disclipline, you are not ready to work in this field.

 

[piranah]

well as far as I've seen if your honest, true, and caring you just get :censored::censored::censored::censored: on....so i dont know anymore..... but its all good..

 

[Ridryder911]

Wow! So much drama, seems it appears no one needs to even watch soaps anymore.

Okay, here is new concept on an old idea... it's a job. Let's have some professionalism and ethics.

It would appear to me if it might be time to get one's affair in order or as the old saying goes.... "get ones ducks in a row"...

As you described that you thought you were an alcoholic; even having serious considerations reasons must be addressed why you thought so? Obviously there were reasons to make one consider. Having these problems while being in and performing EMS has me greatly concerned too. Most deny of having such problems until there it becomes an obvious problem. I am glad you are at least recognizing these symptoms.

I truly believe this is a very serious matter. Personal and emotional issues are just part of the picture, having and demonstrating poor coping skills (alcohol) is as well a symptom of a possible underlying problems.

I am sure this is a confusing time, and truly I am not making light of it. If you value yourself (which I personally doubt) as well value your career, I highly, highly recommend some personal professional counseling. Before you make some dangerous moves professionally and personally that will affect you for the remainder of your life take action upon it now. As many in this profession can attest unwise personal decisions can follow one for many years and possibly forever. I believe professional interaction needs to be performed to assist you and get you back on the right track. The last thing you probably need at this time is more emotional baggage.

Take care of it, before it takes ahold of you...

I wish you the best of luck,

R/r 911

 

[sucked-in]

Hmmmm, I do not know why we are bashing the guy.
I have never bashed him, and don't know anyone who knows him personally who has.
First, he was her "mentor" and he waited until the last day of her ride out to give her his number. This was very professional on his part as he waited until he would no longer mentor her to see if the next step was possible.
He has always been considerate of my space - nothing physical ever happened.
Second, when he called, his conversation was very direct. Kudos for that. Why beat around the bush. He asked flat out if you like him and let you know he was interested in you. Major props!
Honesty is VERY important to me, and I believe to him also.
Third, evidently during that conversation or others, he realized the maturity levels were too much for him to handle. If not that, there is something that he does not feel right about the situation. Again, kudos to him as he did not beat around the bush. He told you up front he is no longer interested and to stop contacting him.
Yes, something doesnt feel right, but its definitely not a maturity issue. I think he might be afraid of what his friends/co-workers might think.
How can he make it any clearer? This guy sounds like a straight shooter and I like his path of communication. He doesn't play games or keep you in the dark. He does not need to give reasons or justify anything to you.

If he isn't feeling it, (which he isn't), his only responsibility is to inform you so you can leave him alone and move on.


Also please note your quote above, where you stated he didn't let anything happen cause he was too old. He sounds like a very smart man. Maybe flirted a little realized it wasn't right and backed off. This is totally acceptable behavior. He is not stringing you along and making false promises.

It is you who will not leave him alone.
I will admit it - I haven't let him alone. I really want some answers.
Personally I think it is your self admitted addictive personality; you are young and new to the field (and the world), and you became very INFATUATED with an older, experienced man. Now the problem is you will not let go and move on.
Addictive personality, young, new, infatuated, unable to move on. Harsh, but probably true.
You also sound very needy and probably have self esteem issues that require constant validation, from the questions you ask and the bit of your conversation to him that you presented to us.
Once again, yes. Low self-esteem.
Again this is YOUR issue not his, he owes you nothing as he has stated his position clearly.

Forget about it and move on..you have other more critical issues to fix that affect you more personally than a man ignoring you.

Flightmedic hits it right on the ball - a very insightful reply. I'm embarrased that I have brought this up on the forum. There is more to what I've said, but I feel like I'm at a dead end.

 

[Ridryder911]

I feel that either you are a seeking inappropriate attention (drama queen) or have deeper issues that again needs to be seriously involved with professional help.

If you are in EMS, this type of behavior of both demonstrating poor judgement of personal attention and again the seriousness of believing that you have the disease of alcoholism, then there must be have been symptoms that have interfered on a daily basis.

Although, I agree with AK's response, if what you described as you post then the only correct action would again be professional help. Ignoring such is typical behavior and as well will only aggravate the matter.

Apparently from your responses you are not taking appropriate actions on multiple issues. If you want to end your career in a very short period of time, as well as having possible mental and physical health issues, continue your current pathway... it will not take long. Hopefully, you will not injure anyone or yourself, emotionally or physically.

R/r 911

 

[BossyCow]

well as far as I've seen if your honest, true, and caring you just get :censored::censored::censored::censored: on....so i dont know anymore..... but its all good..

Maybe that has less to do with your being honest than it does with what you are being honest about? I mean if you are honestly just a jerk and figure that being open and honest about it is an attribute, you are likely to be disappointed!

There is a totem in the Lakota Sioux tradition called skunk medicine. Everyone things skunks are bad, because they smell so awful. Must be awful to be a skunk.. until you consider, the only ones offended by the scent of the skunk are predators who would do it harm. And skunks have the easiest time finding each other during mating season. Not so bad to be a skunk!