A painful texture of grief
Kids, as we all are, are products of their environment, but they are a bit more vulnerable because they are unformed as yet and haven't developed the understanding, rationalizations or denials the rest of us have in order to insulate ourselves from the assaults of living.
Kids are impressionable and deeply affected by their peers. A recent research indicates that the family influences the behaviors and world views of children far LESS than that of their peers. Their opinions, minor to us, can be quite devastating to them.
Kids are also more likely to make mistakes; whereas an adult takes 50 Valium and knocks him or herself out for a half day, a kid taking far less can do himself in. This kid slipped through the cracks.
Of course, like in all suicides, we're the ones left to suffer because all we can do is ask "Why?" and never find the true answer.
But PEOPLE commit suicide. Most of them do it slowly and almost imperceptibly. The ones who pull the plug quick are the ones who stick in our craws. When it comes to kids, it rips us apart.
Regardless, I'll gamble in this case the child got some half-baked ideas into his/her head, thought an action would stop whatever the pressure was and really didn't know that death could happen, or if that knowledge was there, that death means DEATH.
The child of an ex-partner of mine, only about 11 years old, did that. Everybody asked the same questions as when adults do the act. Everybody got the same answer; Nobody will ever know.
What other conclusion can you come to other than "Such things happen, and for no damn good reason."
But, see, the kid is doing fine now, you're the one left holding the bag. There's something standing between you and resolution; you need to move the energy. All the drugs in the world will not dull the painful edge.
Right now, all your trauma is wrapped up tight as a knot in your belly. Before you can begin to sort through YOUR experiences, that needs some loosening. I encourage you to find a safe place and people with whom you can express the raw emotion of your trauma.
Yes, I'm saying it's okay to cry, scream, rage; just get it out. Half of what you're probably going through is the fear that if you start, you won't be able to stop, or if you express honestly and to the degree you really feel it, someone will get hurt. The way it works is e-motion is energy in motion. If you stop its flow, it eats at you.
The process can usually run full-circle in about an hour and there ARE people out there with experience who can facilitate your process. Emotions come and go. Opening the floodgates produces a surge that most likely will subside quickly, often leading into other emotions, surprisingly different than the one you were so scared of, and then to a place where you can become more clear.
The person getting hurt now is you. No reason to accelerate a downward spiral. It is sure to trickle down on those you love, as you imply has already begun. There are grief counselors out there to start with, and now, the most important thing you can do is TALK until you get that what you experienced was real!
You WILL come to terms with this eventually. You're dealing with getting over the initial shock right now and the shock and its impact is very real and appropriate for who you are.
There are those who will say "Buck up!" but I say you can work through it. Yes, it means going through some pain, but it'll just be a different form of what you're already experiencing. The name of the game is to shorten it!
And your greatest resource (assuming all is reasonably well with you guys and you feel safe) is your wife. She WANTS to know -- not your "secrets" but who you are inside. She deserves to be part of your working through this so you can get to know each other better. You're not living in a vacuum anymore.
Feel free to send me a personal message. I'll be happy to talk to you by phone for a while.
