Horrible time....need to chat :(

EMT20002

EMT20002

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Hi everyone,

I know I haven't been on here in a while and I don't even know if this is the right section to post this in. I just needed someone to talk to and figured who better than my EMS brothers and sisters. My fiance (also an EMT) of almost 12 years has just left me, mainly over financial stressors that have broken us. I am a wreck and don't know what to do. :sad: We have always had such a rock solid relationship and I am so numb and distraught right now....I am all alone...
 
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Im sorry :-(

That has to be soo tough.

My advice to you is don't completely emerse yourself in work. I know that can be an easy fix to keep your mind off things. But it wont work, and every call will just build upon your already broken heart.

Time heals all wounds. You'll never forget but it gets easier. Remember you deserve the best and dont settle for anything less.

If you ever need anything, pm me. Im a great listener.
 
So sorry for your loss.

Take care of yourself, don't overwork yourself to ignore your personal problems.

And remember there is no shame in needing the help of a professional in tough times.
 
sorry to hear about it man, i hate to say this, but maybe its for the best, if a financial situation is tearing yall apart then maybe she just wasnt the one, you will find the right one some day and she will stick by your side through thick and thin, i know it sounds bad but its just something to think about
 
I am 30 years old and I have been with him since I was 18. I am literally numb and scared to death of being alone. I love him SO much. It's like something in him snapped a week ago when we had some money troubles (nothing new) and he hasn't been home in a week. He has NEVER done anything like this before. We have never been apart in the almost 12 years we have been together. I am so scared of being alone, but most of all I love and miss him so much. He has our only truck, it's like I'm house bond. He won't return any of my phone calls or text messages. I'm so lonely and scared...I can't afford this mortgage and other bills all by myself... :sad:
 
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EMT20002 said:
I am 30 years old and I have been with him since I was 18. I am literally numb and scared to death of being alone. I love him SO much. It's like something in him snapped a week ago when we had some money troubles (nothing new) and he hasn't been home in a week. He has NEVER done anything like this before. We have never been apart in the almost 12 years we have been together. I am so scared of being alone, but most of all I love and miss him so much. He has our only truck, it's like I'm house bond. He won't return any of my phone calls or text messages. I'm so lonely and scared...I can't afford this mortgage and other bills all by myself... :sad:
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sorry that i assumed you were a man, but something isnt right in this situation, just remember time heals all, it may take ALOT of time, i dont know if you believe in god or not, but if you do let me say this is all part of his plan and while it may not seem right, he will put you with the right person
 
Sorry for your loss,

Our economy is tough and I know that having someone you love leave can just add extra stress on top of preexisting stress which isn't healthy of course. I'd recommend trying to do things that will distract your mind from the negatives, listen to music and "veg" out, go excercise, or try something new. I know its not easy losing someone that you have felt has been there for you, but immersing yourself in more stress wont do any good.

My wife and I are in a similar situation given that we live in an expensive town and often we are struggling with money issues. Keep your chin up and know that you're not alone!

PM me if you need to chat!
 
I'm sorry :sad: I can't fathom the amount of emotional pain you must be in but when I'm really upset I just walk for as long as it takes me to exhaust myself. So my only advice is to walk till your heart hurts a little less.
 
I've been on the phone with my long-distance best friend for the past 3 hours straight and she has literally kept me sane. She's in Michigan and I'm in Maine. I'm hoping that maybe he'll have a change of heart and come home, but I'm really scared because today was the very first day I didn't hear from him at all. Not a single phone call or even a text message from him. That has NEVER happened before. We always text and call when we're not together, even during this past week we've been apart we've at least been texting some. :( He's staying with a friend/coworker right now. I always thought that we were like the role model couple because for the past almost 12 years we have been together, we have always been by each other's side and have gotten through everything no matter how tough the situation and have always been there for each other. He is my best friend and I still love him so much. I just can't turn off almost 12 years of love. We met through EMS in the summer of 2000. We actually met online in an EMS chat room as crazy as it sounds and the rest is history. I had just finished EMT-B school and he was working as an EMT for Boston EMS. I lived with him in Boston for a while and then he finally decided to move back to Maine with me, which is where we've been ever since. I don't even know what happened to cause this. We had to take on a new, expensive truck payment this summer, plus we have a decent sized mortgage and of course utility bills and all of those things. He just totally snapped last week, which he has NEVER done before and hasn't been home for a week now. This is killing me. He has our truck, which is under both of our names, so I have no vehicle to get anywhere. I work from home at least as a medical transcriptionist and I'm a volunteer EMT, but really want to get back into it full-time. I am so numb right now because this is such a huge shock to me. I hate sleeping alone and waking up seeing his side of the bed empty. The entire almost 12 years we have been together, I have never even thought about being with anyone else because I love him so much and wanted to be with him forever, but I guess he doesn't feel that way about me anymore. :( The financial stressors just made him snap. He couldn't take it anymore and has been staying at his friend's house for the past week. I'm so, so lonely and miss him more than words can describe. :(
 
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So... did it end up as a fight and he just walked out or did he just disappear on his own terns? Being a guy, Sometimes I know that there are times where I just want to take a break from it all and kinda be MIA for a while to get my s**t together so that I can come back totally refreshed and ready to take it all on. Is he a type A or Type B personality... That may clue me into what might be going though his head.

P.S. not trying to psychoanalyze the situation, just trying to gain perspective to help understand what could help aide/resolve the situation.
 
DV_EMT said:
So... did it end up as a fight and he just walked out or did he just disappear on his own terns? Being a guy, Sometimes I know that there are times where I just want to take a break from it all and kinda be MIA for a while to get my s**t together so that I can come back totally refreshed and ready to take it all on. Is he a type A or Type B personality... That may clue me into what might be going though his head.

P.S. not trying to psychoanalyze the situation, just trying to gain perspective to help understand what could help aide/resolve the situation.
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I really do appreciate the help, especially from a guy who might understand him better! Honestly, we never even had a fight to trigger him leaving. One night last week (I think it was last Thursday night), he text messaged me from work (he's a nurse at a psych hospital...very stressful job) and just said "I just wanted to say hi and I love you. It's crazy here." I then replied by telling him that I loved him and missed him since he's been working lots of OT lately. I then casually said "I wish you had this weekend off." He then replied with "Well, I don't have this weekend off and I'll probably work OT." I then said something like "I just wish I could spend at least a little time with you. I miss you so much." He replied with "Get used to it. We need a ton of cash." He then suddenly, totally out of the blue texted "You don't appreciate anything I do" which isn't true at all! I don't even know where that came from! Our texting stopped there. Then, he didn't come home that night. I got so, so worried. I tried calling and texting him, but no answer. He gets out of work at 11:15 at night. Finally, around 2 a.m., he texted me and said "I'm out having drinks with coworkers. Be home after. Just leave me alone..." Now, this is a guy who NEVER drinks. I have NEVER seen him drink more than 1 or 2 beers a YEAR in the 12 years we have been together. He just doesn't like to drink and neither do I, so this was totally out of character for him. I also worry because he is a type 2 insulin-dependent diabetic and doesn't always eat right, even though he should know better from being a medic and working in healthcare all these years! He had to work the next day, so I knew this was headed for disaster. He finally came home around 8:30 in the morning (Friday) and said he was getting his guns to go target shooting with his friends. He looked ROUGH. His eyes were glazed over and he just had a blank look on his face and his affect was so flat. Not like him at all. He then told me that he would be home between 11 and 11:30 to get ready for work. He never came home. He never came home from work that night again either. He finally ended up coming home around 5 a.m. on Sunday morning. Before he came home, I texted him and said "Please just come home. I'm so worried about you and I love you so much." He then said something like "Why would I want to come home and be even more depressed there. The house is a mess and I'm sick of always being broke." He then just showed up at the door, came in, and went to bed. He got up around noon on Sunday and took a shower to get ready for work. When he got out of the shower, I casually reminded him that we needed to put the storm windows in for winter and he just lost it. He said "I don't give a s**t about that! I'm so sick of living in this pig sty!" He then shoved everything that was on the kitchen island onto the floor and then picked up the trash can and slammed it on the floor. He then stormed out the door and left for work. I was literally in tears. This was not the guy I know and love. I just let him go so he could cool off before work. I was in shock. Later that evening around 5 p.m., he texted me and said "Just saying hi and I love you", so I took that as a good sign that he was feeling better and back to his normal self. That night when he got out of work, I called him on his cell and said "Hi, I just wanted to see if you were on your way home" because the weather was getting bad. He said he just had to get gas, so I said "Okay, see you in a few minutes. I love you." He just replied with "Yup." He ALWAYS says "I love you" before he hangs up...ALWAYS. Well, he never came home. I was worried sick. He has stayed away all of this week too. He came home on Tuesday and got a bunch of his clothes and things. He told me that he just needs time and he wouldn't even hug me. Then, he left. The very next morning, he called me and sounded 500 times better, just like his normal self! I told him how much I miss him and love him and want him to come home and he said "I know I'll be home soon. I just had the best night of sleep I've had in ages and I just need this time." He even said we would probably buy a second vehicle soon since we currently only have one. He even came home to see me briefly and he hugged me and told me he loves me. He told me that he misses being home, but just needs time to get his head on straight. As he was driving off to go to work, I got kind of choked up because this is so hard for me. A couple of minutes after he left, he texted me and said "Don't cry. I love you." It's now Friday morning and I didn't hear from him ONCE yesterday (Thursday), which is totally out of character for him. In the 12 years we've been together, he has NEVER left me like this. If we have ever had a fight, sometimes he would just leave and drive around for an hour or two and come right back and we would make up, but he has been gone for a week now and it's killing me. I don't know why he didn't contact me at all today and I'm scared to death something is wrong. I don't know if it's solely our money issues that have caused him to act like this and not come home, or if his diabetes and his blood sugars are WAY out of whack and making him act not himself. Im dying inside and don't know what to do. All I want to do is sit down and talk to him, maybe even try counseling, but it's like he's ignoring me now for some reason. :(

This whole this is SO out of character for him. We've had worse financial situations in the past and he's never left like this. I just don't know what's going on, but I'm terrified to lose him. I've been with him my entire adult life and love him with all my heart and would do anything for him. :(
 
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Well, Judging by the sound of hot/cold his characteristics has been, it sounds as though hes been bottling up emotional stress and now he's trying to purge his system by just doing the guy thing of going out for drinks and goin shootin and the like. I know that personally, I need some time to take a break from life and its stresors by doing the same thing.... and yes, i can tend to be agitated and moody when stress starts to get to me. Frankly, I'm a type B personallity, I'm pretty easy going about most everything, but there are some days where I go to work and I'm stressed, then I head home and I'm stressed because we have rent and bills to pay, and then my wife usually gets upset at the fact that we don't spend enough time toghether (which is true when you're both working 2 jobs that are 12 hour shifts x4-5days).

My advice (if it is any help) is to give him a little space. Just because he's stressed and is blowing off steam doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, he's probably just trying to recenter himself. He's probably trying to gain composure and probably feels as though hes got the "...if it's not one thing, its the other..." mentality going on. I usually relate it to a tire on a bike; if the tire is out of balance, the whole bike wobbles and eventually you either stop & fix it, or fall off the bike. People are so caught up in life itself that things get out of perspecitve and control. Because of that, work, bills, & honey do's consume our every being, and we feel suffocated with not being able to enjoy life. Make sure that you tell him you love him and care about all the things he does for you. Remember to live life to its fullest! As the great philospher Plato said, " the unexamined life is not worth living"... so make sure you live life, and look at all of the greatnesses of it in spite of the bads.

Hope that helps!
 
Sorry that sounds ridiculous. Someone who is stressed about money going out and wasting it on alcohol and shooting.

I don't care how stressed he is he has no right to act childish and jerk the op around like that. I'm sure she is stressed too and has problems.

Next time he comes home sit him down and talk to him. Tell him his behavior is unacceptable.

Sent from LuLu using Tapatalk
 
None of that seems like you guys have broken up. Give it time, an give him space.

The fact that the last time you talked he said dont worry I love. He probably just let everything gang up on him.

I cant see him throwing away 12 years for nothing.
 
Sasha said:
Sorry that sounds ridiculous. Someone who is stressed about money going out and wasting it on alcohol and shooting.
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If that lets him relax, I dont see anything wrong as long as it doesnt become a regular thing.

He obviously needs a break.
 
Cut your losses.

After that sort of episode, can you ever trust he has your back? Why doesn't he help clean it up? The reverting to adolescence thing (guns buddies booze) is a very bad sign, I will bet you have been cleaning up his messes and cutting him slack for a long time.

There will inevitably be a period of grieving, but it can be now, or later. Line up your resources and get where it is safe.
 
Thanks so much for the support everyone! I am just so scared to death of losing him and being alone. I love him so, so much. This is SO out of character for him. We've had money troubles in the past, but he has never acted this way. I just want him home and am willing to do whatever it takes. :(
 
Anjel1030 said:
If that lets him relax, I dont see anything wrong as long as it doesnt become a regular thing.

He obviously needs a break.
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Running around and shirking the fact you have someone at home who is worried about you, who deserves answers and being talked to not ignored because you're "stressed" is NOT okay.

He needs to be an adult. Life is stressful, what if they had kids together? Is it okay for daddy to go running off and only come home sporadically because he's stressed out?

Find healthy ways to deal with it. And coming home every so often and exploding at your spouse and throwing crap around is NOT a healthy way of dealing with it.

If he has problems with the way the home is kept (calling it a stye) then he needs to chill out, stop contributing to the problem (making a mess by throwing stuff) and TALK ABOUT IT. Maybe HELP OUT CLEANING IT UP.
 
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Sasha said:
Running around and shirking the fact you have someone at home who is worried about you, who deserves answers and being talked to not ignored because you're "stressed" is NOT okay.

He needs to be an adult. Life is stressful, what if they had kids together? Is it okay for daddy to go running off and only come home sporadically because he's stressed out?

Find healthy ways to deal with it. And coming home every so often and exploding at your spouse and throwing crap around is NOT a healthy way of dealing with it.
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We don't have any kids....just pets...and our 3 dogs miss him SO much, especially our 2-year-old golden retriever who always sleeps curled up right next to him every single night. I KNOW that he also loves those dogs to death and he just has to miss them. I know that I should be mad as hell for what he has been doing for the past week because there really is no excuse for it and he is mentally torturing me, and believe me I am furious, but at the same time I love him so much and just want him to come home and sit down together like two mature adults and talk things out and air out every single one of our issues and we also really need to see a counselor. My parents know of a good counselor who would be willing to see us. I just have to get him to agree to go...if he ever talks to me again. :( Our past 12 years together has been amazing. Yes, we've had plenty of ups and downs, good times and bad times, but we have ALWAYS gotten through them together and never left each other's side. We have actually been through a lot worse times than this, which makes me even more confused about the way he's behaving. He has been so on and off this past week. One day he'll be so reassurring and tell me that he still loves me and misses me and that he just needs some time and space to get his head on straight and then the next day he'll totally ignore my phone calls and texts and won't talk to me at all. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have done everything I can. I sent him a text message late last night telling him that I love him so much and I am here for him when he is ready to come home and talk. I told him that I am very proud of him for how hard he works and for everything he does for me (he does do a lot for me), but he never responded. All I want is my love, my best friend back. This is killing me inside. :(

I need to try and eat something. I've barely eaten anything in almost a week since this started because I just have totally lost my appetite since my nerves are so shot wondering if/when he's going to finally come home or even at least call me. I AM SO LONELY! :(

I'm so tired of constantly crying and feeling so shaky and scared. I just wish he would wake up and see what this is doing to me. I have told him what this is doing to me physically and emotionally, but it's like it's just not sinking in with him.

I know that money and his job have been stressing him out severely lately. We can never seem to get ahead financially. He works at a state operated physchiatric hospital and the state keeps talking about shutting it down due to major budget cuts, and even if they don't shut it down, they could still lay a bunch of people off, maybe even him, and they are looking for any little reason to fire people right now so that they don't have to pay their unemployment. He came home on Thursday night to drop off some groceries to me since he has our truck,and he told me that he has a job interview today for a REALLY good job at a GREAT company managing 2 new group homes, which would be PERFECT for him and would probably pay even more than he makes now. He has probably either already had his interview or is there right now. He said it was at 10 or 10:30 our time (eastern time), but I can't remember which. I was blown away when he told me that he had this interview. I have been begging him for months to try to find a less stressful, better job and he just wouldn't apply anywhere. The fact that he applied for this job on his own just screams to me that he can't take his current job anymore, that the stress from it is killing him, plus the uncertainty of whether or not he will even still have a job there in the next couple of months. If he gets this job, this could be a savior. I did text him last night and asked him to please at least let me know how the interview goes, but he never answered. I hope he still went. All I know is that the combination of financial stress and job stress must be killing him and he has just finally lost it this past week. :(
 
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Get a piece of paper.Maybe two.

1. List your assets, including people, and your dawning realization that this isn't working (anymore).
2. Call your humans assets and ask for help. Start with family (be prepared to act your part in that until you can get back out on your own).
3. List what you MUST do. Assume Joe Dirt is not coming back, even if he does whenever he is hungry etc. Act on that basis. Maybe you can get someone to foster the dogs, or if they like him better, leave them with him. This is your lifeboat call.

PS: EAT. Starving will make you crazy.

PPS: never forget the Murphy's Law about living wityh someone crazier than you.

PPPS: Turn on your truth detector, call one of his buddies and ask if there is someone else.
 
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