My fiancé has always loved EMS and first response. He's an EMT-B working on his medic and works 60-70 hours a week at a private ambulance service in a busy town that is constantly short-staffed. We recently moved an hour and a half north of his work for my research, so he has that commute each day on top of his 12-18 hour shifts. I know he needs his sleep and so, I find myself just staying quiet about things that we used to talk about and used to do while I listen to the litany of things he's facing on a daily basis, things I know that I can never handle. My heart goes out to him and I find myself powerless to help him. Meanwhile, he's seen so many horrible things, that he's hardened (?), if that makes any sense and I don't feel in touch with his emotions, especially since I can't understand what he goes through. He just frowns at me and shakes his head when I say I'm here for him and says quietly, "I know," which is disheartening. He's suggested I do a ride-along to gain some perspective, but I've a horridly weak stomach and am scared of needles and frankly, have no finesse when it comes to stressful situations. I've no medical background. I'm a British literature scholar who survives in the theoretical bubble of academia. He cooks. I poison him accidentally when I try. I clean. Right now, we don't have any children or pets-- not even a fish. I have my eighteenth century novels and he has his job. Any help or experience would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Handling home-life (from the woman who's trying to gain some perspective)
- Thread starter Beth1209
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Brandon O
Puzzled by facies
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Is the issue that the time spent away and your lack of a shared background is driving you apart? Or that the job itself (the stress, the hours) seems to be hurting him?
I'll suggest it. Right now, we're going on separate vacations. He's taking a week to go teach first aid to boy scouts with his father and brothers, which is important to him, but leaves me in the dust. I'm biting the bullet, but going down to the beach the following week with my family who he doesn't get along with and he says he can't get the additional time off since he's using the maximum vacation time, which is unpaid, for his annual trip. Any more time off would kill our bank account. Is there a way to make time with no set schedule and long hours? How do other families do this?
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Maybe he should find a different job?
There is not much free time when you work that much every week and have school on top of it. You just need to be upfront and tell him how you are dealing with everything. To be honest, he is going to get burnt out pretty quick working nonstop like that. Like Remi said, may be time for a different job in a different field, or a place that does not require him to work that much.
RocketMedic
Californian, Lost in Texas
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Is there anything I can do to make the job suck less for him in the meantime? I can't see him leaving EMS and my occupation cannot change as I am earning my DPhil and will have the income that supports our household by the end of my graduate placement. What do your partners do to make it easier for you?
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Well, there was this one time.......ah, never mind.
In all seriousness, I would suggest a new job closer to home, and preferably one that requires fewer hours and some paid vacation.
I'll definitely talk to him about it. He just refuses to leave that company and we signed a year lease, so we're stuck for the time being, but I did say that we could look at housing closer in the next year and we'll switch the commute. I'm not unreasonable and I know it's hard on him with the additional three hour drive a day.
Brandon O
Puzzled by facies
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Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of good answers for this. It's the spiral a lot of people in this business go down. You work more because you need money, you disengage from more and more things (and people) in your life because you're so busy, then you have free time so... you might as well work more.
The only way out is usually to get a better job -- i.e. one that pays better, is more accessible, treats you better, etc. Not always possible. The other option is to find a different career.
Do you NEED the money from extra shifts or are they just pushing him to help fill the schedule?
Are there other services he could work with? Not necessary now, but work towards, such as a local fire department?
When will you graduate?
The only way out is usually to get a better job -- i.e. one that pays better, is more accessible, treats you better, etc. Not always possible. The other option is to find a different career.
Do you NEED the money from extra shifts or are they just pushing him to help fill the schedule?
Are there other services he could work with? Not necessary now, but work towards, such as a local fire department?
When will you graduate?
Since you mentioned he's your fiancé, I'll say that marriage will likely require as many concessions from him as from you. There's no rule that says whatever people choose to do with their lives can necessarily be accommodated within a marriage. I think it's great that you're open-minded about making changes, but he should be, too, if a lasting, loving marriage is very important to both of you.
There's a tendency by some within EMS to treat the job as a kind of holy mission. I do think there's a lot of inherent goodness to EMS, and some sacrifice is necessary to work in any of the essential services, but I don't think the job is necessarily worth all manner of compromise in our personal lives. If you and he don't succeed in a good-faith attempt to fit EMS into your lives, don't make the mistake of trying to squeeze your marriage into EMS.
There's a tendency by some within EMS to treat the job as a kind of holy mission. I do think there's a lot of inherent goodness to EMS, and some sacrifice is necessary to work in any of the essential services, but I don't think the job is necessarily worth all manner of compromise in our personal lives. If you and he don't succeed in a good-faith attempt to fit EMS into your lives, don't make the mistake of trying to squeeze your marriage into EMS.
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Very well put.
EMS becomes an obsession for some people, and they end up sacrificing way more for their job than people in other low-paying careers are typically willing to. Burnout and general unhappiness is the frequent result.
I graduate in seven years, worst case scenario, or three if I move to England, but I'll have a very generous living stipend that supports me as long as I go where they send me. We've talked about the possibility of him staying behind (he's going to at this point) while I get my degree and work, but that doesn't leave much of a marriage unfortunately. We're just going to have to make it work as we've lasted a half decade and neither of us is a quitter. The service closer to us is lesser paying, so we're caught between a rock and a hard place. It's very hard. He says we need the money, but frankly, we don't. He's just in love with the trucks and his job, which is good for him. He puts in solid 24s across the board for availability and picks up as much as he can. He's become so disconnected that I understand the downward spiral. I barely know him anymore and it just feels like my fault. He walks in the door and he's dead tired, but he puts his heart and soul into what he does. I understand that dedication, especially as a scholar. As of now, our wedding has been postponed until we have a solid solution. Thank you for the feedback... I really, really appreciate this.
Brandon O
Puzzled by facies
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I wish we could help more. Unfortunately, I think we've all seen this many times. Or lived it.
He needs to understand that no matter how much he loves the job, it will never love him back. It will gladly suck up absolutely every shred of his time and his soul he's willing to offer it, and there will never be "enough" and never be any reward. The only escape is to start setting your own limits on what you'll sacrifice.
He's got more support than many of us, at least. He has a supportive partner and a reasonable financial situation and at least some options.
Some of us would probably be willing to talk to him, but I doubt that would help much.
He needs to understand that no matter how much he loves the job, it will never love him back. It will gladly suck up absolutely every shred of his time and his soul he's willing to offer it, and there will never be "enough" and never be any reward. The only escape is to start setting your own limits on what you'll sacrifice.
He's got more support than many of us, at least. He has a supportive partner and a reasonable financial situation and at least some options.
Some of us would probably be willing to talk to him, but I doubt that would help much.
RocketMedic
Californian, Lost in Texas
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He's going to get consumed by the work.
I agree with both of you; hopefully, he sets limits soon, but I'm unable to decide that for him. Talking hasn't been very effective, but I'm going to support him no matter what with this. It's just very difficult. Again, I really thank you all for coming forward with advice and trying to offer solutions. Your feedback gives me hope.
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I've been your fiancé. Up until recently I was consistently pulling 120-140hr paychecks (regular schedule is a 96 hour check) and it hurt my relationship and my girlfriend used to work in EMS so she truly does understand it.
Ultimately I had to choose between living to work or working to live. Ultimately I chose working to live and it's been amazing. Unfortunately as an EMT-B he doesn't have as many options as Paramedics do. Now when I pick up OT I get more out of it than just the OT pay whether that's a gift card to a certain restaurant or a general visa cash card. Whenever I do work OT I use this card I get to spend time with my girlfriend. I don't make as much money as I was making before but in much happier.
As badly as it sounds he needs to learn that work isn't his life and that there needs to be a balance. Like many others have said if he doesn't a train wreck is in his future.
It sounds like you're willing to make sacrifices, now it's his turn. Relationships are a two way street and will never work if there isn't give and take.
Why is he so insistent that you need the money? Do you have money in the bank saved or are you stuck living paycheck to paycheck?
Ultimately I had to choose between living to work or working to live. Ultimately I chose working to live and it's been amazing. Unfortunately as an EMT-B he doesn't have as many options as Paramedics do. Now when I pick up OT I get more out of it than just the OT pay whether that's a gift card to a certain restaurant or a general visa cash card. Whenever I do work OT I use this card I get to spend time with my girlfriend. I don't make as much money as I was making before but in much happier.
As badly as it sounds he needs to learn that work isn't his life and that there needs to be a balance. Like many others have said if he doesn't a train wreck is in his future.
It sounds like you're willing to make sacrifices, now it's his turn. Relationships are a two way street and will never work if there isn't give and take.
Why is he so insistent that you need the money? Do you have money in the bank saved or are you stuck living paycheck to paycheck?
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EMS can alter your perception on how much you can work. While much of the rest of the workforce is stuck in the mindset of 40 hours, many of us know that we can easily work twice that in a week. So when the money is there, we take it. Not only do you get paid (pennies) but you get the satisfaction of spending the day doing something (hopefully) meaningful. There are certainly times where I have been sitting on the couch on an off day with little to do and thought "why am I not at work, here I sit just wasting time." That's a sucky feeling, even if you really do deserve the time off. For me, that's how I get sucked in and find myself working stupidly long work weeks despite not desperately needing the money.
I don't know what your fiance's educational background, but there are some similarities to the higher ed world. I know when I was in college I would often work absurd hours on assignments. It was mostly because I was lazy and procrastinated, but I also felt guilty going to bed knowing I had an assignment do the next day that I could have put more work into. As I'm sure you well know, you can always put more work into a paper, the smart person knows when to stop.
Maybe you can show him you understand his mentality through this?
I don't know what your fiance's educational background, but there are some similarities to the higher ed world. I know when I was in college I would often work absurd hours on assignments. It was mostly because I was lazy and procrastinated, but I also felt guilty going to bed knowing I had an assignment do the next day that I could have put more work into. As I'm sure you well know, you can always put more work into a paper, the smart person knows when to stop.
Maybe you can show him you understand his mentality through this?