Got a lot on my mind...

[J560]

I wrote this the other day. I just need(ed) to vent. I'm not looking for pity or anything of the like... I just want to get out my feelings with a group "of my own", if that makes any sense. It's directed more toward the general public but I digress. That said, here it is...


These eyes have seen the worst of people.

Mangled bodies of close friends and strangers alike, charred corpses, decapitations, disembowelment and amputations.

I've seen the effects of blunt objects and shotguns after a spiteful rage. I have the images of brain matter and hair splattered on white walls after a husband came home early and killed his wife and her partner before turning the gun on himself.

I've carried a broken, beaten and bleeding 7 month old boy from the living room floor of a mobile home to my rig and fought back the tears and insurmountable rage while we worked his lifeless body at 90mph... all because his parents had beaten him one too many times.

I've seen the cold stare in my friends' eyes, as we attempted to cut them free from the crumpled remains of their car after a beautiful day at the lake, surrounded by family and friends. And I've gotten the phone call hours later, still on duty, saying "I'm sorry honey but they didn't make it".

I've responded for my friends and I've responded for their family. Intense pressure, hurt and fear doesn't even begin to describe how that makes me feel inside.

These eyes... they've seen so many things that I will never be able to forget. No matter how hard I fight or how much I cry... I will never forget. The sleepless nights are just the surface of an everlasting internal struggle between my heart, my mind and these memories.

My heart aches every time I hear the words "Code Blue" on my radio, whether it's my call to take or not. I die a little on the inside, each and every time... not only for the person in need of assistance or their family... but for my fellow EMTs and Medics that are going to have to intervene in the situation over the following minutes.

I've told children, parents and spouses alike, "We're doing everything we can", knowing full well it was a pointless affair and I was just lying to myself and to them... it's all just a facade.

I've tried my best to comfort people in their last moments, while they take their last breaths... looking me right in the eyes while I squeeze their hand. I will never be able to forget the feeling of desperation, loneliness and despair.

I've desperately worked codes on people that were obviously DOA... just so their family looking on could rest easy thinking that "we did everything we could to help".

These ears have heard the burning questions, "Am I going to die?" and "Is my wife OK?" one too many times... and these lips have lied time and time again, without thinking twice. It kills me.

"Yes, we're doing everything we can, just relax for me, ok?"

The gouges in the asphalt are still there... and the holes in my heart are too. The smell of fresh dirt, burnt rubber and airbags makes me want to cry almost immediately. The sound of an infant or child laughing makes me want to cry. The sound of agonal respirations ring out in my head nearly every night while I try sleep.

So what has all this taught me?

Life is too f*****g short. Hold your loved ones a little closer, hug them a little tighter and love them a little harder. They might not be breathing tomorrow... and it happens more often than you would ever care to think.

I'm entering my 10th year next month. I started as a Cadet at 15. I'm 25. I've spent the last 10 years of my life, while "growing up" and evolving, in a world of struggle, death and destruction... and I'm just not proud of it any more.

EMS has taught me how to love unconditionally and for that I'm thankful. It helped bring me out of my "socially awkward shell" because it threw me to the wolves... and I had to learn how to fight back very quickly. Sink or swim.

I started this young and I'm seriously considering retiring young.

My back is completely shot to hell and now I'm suffering from PTSD. A good night's sleep is nearly impossible... either thanks to the endless recursion of nightmares or the constant fire in my lower back and shoulder blades.

I'm tired.

So now, a few weeks ago...

I responded to two long term friends in a 10-50... I had known each of them for over 15 years. One was a very obvious DOA and the other was in critical condition... and then we pulled a beautiful 17 year old choir girl, still buckled into her overturned car, from a creek... all on the same shift.

Then a few days later, I witnessed the rage of a husband against his wife... yet again.

Then I worked a 19 year old male after he OD'ed on a bad batch of heroin.

Then had a DOA 16 year old girl.

Then another pediatric code.

And then two more 10-50's with a fatalities.

*All in the same month.*

I'm strong... but I'm tired. I'm driven but I'm weary.

This is my cry. Don't let it happen to you.



-560

 

[mycrofft]

1. Posting here is very well, but getting help from real people around you is much better, including professionals like your pastor etc., and counselors.
And lay off the sauce, drugs, and other bad behaviors.

2. If you are experiencing this density of calls which are hurting you, take a break, and maybe get a job (if you are doing this as a job) out of your area.

3. "Retiring" from a job field which will never pay most of its member much above subsistence level and has such a high prevalence of lifting and other injuries (especially if you go driving around at 90 mph!!!) is not dumb, but what some folks call a "good move".

 

[VFlutter]

Talk to a professional.

If a job is causing you that much emotional and physical suffering then it is time to move on.

IMO EMS is not something a 15 year old should be involved in. Hell many people 18-22 do not have the emotional maturity to handle this type of work.

 

[terrible one]

1. Talk to a professional. I'd recommend a qualified therapist not any CISD type of counseling.

2. Take a break or a mini vacation if possible.

3. Start looking at other types of jobs, maybe completely away from the medical field. You're still very young, realize an extremely small number of people retire from field EMS. They're are much better paying jobs with less stress available with a little more schooling.

 

[Brandon O]

Get out. Get out get out get out get out. I say this out of love.

PM if you want to talk.

(There's a medic who's been blogging recently about his recent PTSD diagnosis, might be worth checking out as well.)

 

[firetender]

How about "Thanks for the truth!" folks

I'll start: Thank you for putting into words things that most of the people on this site haven't had to face (you're obviously in a high volume area and it seems catching a lot of calls dealing with people close to you) and being honest with yourself.

This is a hard job, with little compensation. Some of our ranks really DO carry a much heavier burden than the rest of us. If your heart is taking the toll; if your relationship with yourself and others is being severely stressed, make the time to find breathing room; take a break.

There should be at least a couple of your peers at work with whom you can talk honestly. Professionals go so far. They haven't walked in your moccasins. But I know, it's tough to break that kind of ice.

But actually you just did that right here. Hopefully, you'll get some honesty back; not the kind that's " Tough up! Get a Band-Aid and get back to work!" but the kind that says "I've been there" or "I'm there too!"

Together, being honest and open with each other, you actually might be able to help each other! If you look around you'll see that going on now and again here. The anonymity actually makes it a bit easier. Take advantage.

Maybe you'll bail. At ten years you've lasted double the average; you're terrific, trust me! If you have any back left, save it! That alone -- especially at 25! -- is plenty reason. Do you think you've put in your time and the best of yourself? Maybe that's the only question you need to ask.

Do NOT endure! Either work THROUGH it -- because just saying you're trashed and not facing it is just going to grow like Cancer -- or move on.

And, though this may not be easy to hear, no matter what you choose you're going to have to sort through and make some sort of personal sense out of your experiences and that's going to take some time whether you stay in the field or not.

You may find it hard to believe now, but by doing so you can actually transform the traumas you've lived through into something useful for others. It may not be in EMS but if you seek to use what you've learned, you'll find the outlet to express it.

You WILL find that what you've experienced ultimately will make you a much more potent human being, but you have to seek ways to make it so. The name of this game is to use what you've learned for others.

PM if it serves you.

 

[ambo000]

You've just written many things I struggle to articulate.

Thanks for sharing. All the best.

 

[EMTodd]

Best bet would be to speak to a professional. Your employer/insurance will probably pay for it.