First death

[LuvGlock]

Hi, I'm new here, but I've been told this is the best EMS forum online, so I thought I'd come here for some help.

Yesterday, I experienced my first death on my own. I've seen 3 pt's die before, but I always had "my medic" with me.

On my way home from work, I saw a car crashed into a snow bank (obviously a low speed crash). I pulled over to see if everything was OK, and found the pt in full arrest. I of course called 911, then held c-spine as best I could, brought the pt out onto the road, and started CPR. When the squad arrived, I continued CPR while they hooked up a monitor, started a line, etc.

Finally they took her to the ED. The biggest problem, for me, was that this lady couldn't have been more than 30. Old people are supposed to die. Young people aren't.

All I can say is that this really sucks. My brother (who is a 7 year veteran of Cleveland EMS), said that it's just letting time heal wounds. I've gone from complete apathy about the event to literally collapsing on the floor bawling. I didn't sleep last night, and sometimes I'm questioning my career choice.

What do I do next?

 

[Phlipper]

First ... I love the username. I have a growing collection of them.

You will get used to death. Soldiers get used to it. Doctors and nurses. Medics. You become somewhat desensitized, if my own experience both in combat long ago and now EMS is any indication. Doesn't mean you lose compassion. Only that you somewhat acclimate to dying/DOA patients. Like a soldier who mourns a lost brother then goes on patrol the next day, or a nurse who loses the sweet little old lady but moves to the next pt in rounds. I saw a long time medic become a little emotional last week on a DOA just hours after we made a save. But he just moved on and did his job. You will, too, most likely.

If you lose a couple more (and you will) and you're still crying all night, then, and only then, would I agree that you might need a change. Give it a chance though. You win some and you lose some, near as I can tell this early in my own career. But you drag up and do it again the next day.

 

[emt seeking first job]

Look at it this way.

If you had not been there, what would have happened.

Give yourself credit for trying.

 

[Akulahawk]

Yep. You tried. Some you save, some you won't. All we can do is give a good nudge or shove toward life. Sometimes, the person is just too injured or sick to be able to come back from the dead. It's just their time to go, even if they're young. Yes, it sucks sometimes, but you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and head out again.

And yes, many people do become desensitized to death and dying. You could collapse at my feet, dead, I'd do what I could to keep you going, and if you didn't survive despite my best efforts, I might say "that sucks" and I'm going to likely go on with my day and probably not think twice about it. Then again, I've accepted death as a part of life and everyone will die at some point.

The death of a kid is something that bothers me... not because of the end of their life per se, but because of the future experiences they won't have. If you stop being bothered by the death of a kid, you stop being human, IMHO.

 

[jjesusfreak01]

People die, sometimes you are there to see it. Consider if there was anything you could learn from the event, and then get on with your life. Its not your emergency, its not your life, and your only connection to this one death among billions of others is that you were there. Good luck.

 

[AnthonyTheEmt]

I would say do not let yourself become desensitized. We get into this field to help people, once you lose sight of that or become uncaring or cold, its time to find a new line of work. Its a good thing that it bothered you, it means that you care about people. It sounds like you are in pursuit of the right line of work, just keep going.

 

[EMSLaw]

I would say do not let yourself become desensitized. We get into this field to help people, once you lose sight of that or become uncaring or cold, its time to find a new line of work. Its a good thing that it bothered you, it means that you care about people. It sounds like you are in pursuit of the right line of work, just keep going.

There's a difference in what you're saying and what others have said. Nobody is suggesting you shouldn't give a crap, and should be a callous, insensitive jerk. But if you are on an ambulance with any frequency, you'll see people die. They may be dead when you get there, or they may die on the way to the hospital, or they may code the minute you put them on the bed and be pronounced before you walk out of the ED. It's going to happen.

You need to be compassionate to the living and respectful of the dead. But you can't let it eat you up inside when, as often as not, there was nothing you could do to raise them, Lazarus-like, from the dead. We like to think we "save lives" - and maybe from time to time we do. But often enough, the people who live or die might well have lived or died without our help. We just happened to be there and try to put a thumb on the scales towards life when it's a close call.

 

[CAOX3]

What do I do next?

You get up tommorrow and you continue on, life is full of sad stories the difference now is your going to be present for some of them. You hug your loved ones, punch the clock and go to work.

Because that's what we do.

Good luck.

You will get through this.

 

[lsingleterry]

i agree with caox3! sometimes we are the angel there to hold that hand, or that last loving face that a patient may see. be glad for the experience, celebrate the life, and punch in for the next day. see if your service offers counseling by ems vets, or other healthcare providers. these sessions really will help you.

keep it real while you're out on the streets! it is what we do for a living.

 

[samiam]

Just keep on trucking...for those of you that have kids.. i cannot imagine how you do it. A few weeks ago we had a peads recess in the ED and we worked on the kid for almost an hour before they called it. It was awful for all of us but it really hit the nurses with kids a lot. Also it didn't help that the parents were in the room and just went crazy when the doc called it. The mom was screaming to god and swinging her fists and her husband had to hold her back. It really opens your eyes to the realities of life in Detroit and in the whole world.

 

[Medic2409]

It helps me to know,
that all I can do,
is my job to the best of my ability,
but whether someone lives or dies,
is actually in the hands of,
the Man Upstairs.

 

[Fox800]

You did good. Don't beat yourself up. Just remember the good things we can do and the positive impact we can have on people's lives, even if fleeting.

 

[Melclin]

Fact: Being upset by the first few experiences of death does not preclude you from working in the prehospital environment. Many people have been upset their first few times, got over it and gone on to enjoy their careers.

Keep talking about it and try not to let it develop into some unhealthy pattern of (not)coping: drinking, drugs, over/under eating.

My opinion: Unless you enjoy arrests and serious jobs in some way, you'll probably find prehospital work pretty difficult. Give yourself time though.

Seeing these things outside of work can be more upsetting or shocking I reckon. When you're at work/on duty/on placements you're sort of ready for it, but outside of that mindset, when you're having a laugh with you mates at a BBQ, its hits harder.

 

[LuvGlock]

Thank you guys. I've found that with the passage of time, it's gotten a lot easier. I slept 14 hours last night, to make up for the total of 4 I've gotten the last two nights.

Though I'm not comfortable yet, per se, I DEFINITELY feel better.

Your words of advice and wisdom are much appreciated.

 

[HotelCo]

I remember everything about the first patient I had die. It was a 17 year old. First one is something you'll always remember. It gets much easier as time goes on. I've had several patients due since then, and it no longer phases me.

You'll get through it, and come out of the experience a stronger ems provider.

.

 

[RunnerD1987]

I seen death, but not the actually happening of the event occuring. I just started out with EMS and still knowing that I will go on a call where death will occur. In your case you have to look at the situation. No matter what there was nothing you could of done more. You did everything you COULD do to save this persons life and that is what the most important part to understand no matter how much denial in that you want to believe. There is nothing wrong in questioning yourself or feeling pain from this. Seek out the sources avaialble to you and best of luck.

 

[jjesusfreak01]

I don't expect to remember my first death unless its a kid or younger adult...old people dying doesn't really bother me, but the 38yo stage 4 cancer pt (with little kids) that I transported the other day got me a little upset.

 

[the_negro_puppy]

It just takes time to get used to. I don't get upset by death really, i find the worst part is the living family (if they are around) and seeing their reactions to the death of a loved one.

 

[Phlipper]

Desensitized most definitely DOES NOT mean devoid of compassion.

The small town service I work for sees an amazing amount of GSWs, MVAs, and full arrests. In a short while I have gotten more trauma experience than I ever dreamed I would. Had a GSW (head, didn't make it) Xmas eve and had blood and brain matter on me and my clothes and had to deal with family on scene and at the ER. It's just part of the job. Me and my team leader (also a vet) even went back in later with the detective and looked at the entrance and exit and discussed wound ballistics.

Am I desensitized? Yes. Xmas eve was merely the first time I had brains on my boots from someone I didn't know. Been there ... done that. Am I uncompassionate? Not even close. My heart was breaking for the GSW's mom. I still feel a little sad when we lose a sweet little old lady who has had a full life and now moved on. But death comes with the territory. You can adapt to death and blood and gore, and still be a compassionate person.

 

[Blessed187]

I think you have already gotten a lot of great advice and input from our fellow members on here, I would just like to add that when I was 12yrs old I was walking home from school and I witnessed a horrible Car Accident in a intersection. The girl that was hit head on by a drunk driver was only 16 yrs old. She died right in my arms, I had her blood every where on me. I'll never forget that day, ill never forget how it made me feel about human life. I don't think anyone could. Time does not always heal the mind,body and soul. Just be sure that you talk to who ever you can and really get your feelings out there on the situation. You might find yourself in a better place about it mentally as you talk about it more and express how you feel.

I wish you the best, I can't begin to understand how that exact situation must feel but I do hope that your able to cope and move on with your life and career in a positive way.

I have been told many times that not everyone is cut out for this, I have to agree.

Best of luck to you!