Constantly Seeing Loved Ones As Patients

[PeopleDeliveryBoy]

This is a problem I have been dealing with for awhile.

I've been an EMT-P for bout 4 years now. EMT in general for around 8. I love the job, love my coworkers and I adore what I do. But one problem I have, is I can't stop thinking about what I've seen happening to those I love the most. To the point where I can't even undress my wife without imagining her body on an autopsy table being poked by gloved hands, having lost many pt's of her body type and age before. It's debilitating.
I can't laugh with my mom without imagining her motionless and torn on the side of the highway.
I can't make a new friend without seeing them badly Injured, air coming out a laceration in their trachea in attempts to scream with a dreadful gargle. The coppery taste of blood in the back of my throat.
I can't even see my dog do something cute without imagining her paralyzed and scared or gasping for air.
I can't even look at my 6 month old child without imagining her skin blue, face pale with sunken eyes, unresponsive. With the miserable wails of her anguished helpless mother.

I keep distancing myself because of this, it isn't right. Because these things have not happened to them. They probably won't, but worrying won't prevent that. I KNOW that.


Now these are just a few examples, of real instances my mind brings me daily. All of them from real experiences, sites and sounds.

I try so hard to be optimistic, but it's not as easy as people make it out to be. I can't be alone in all of this. There has to be a way to reverse it. I love my job, and have little problem recovering from dealing with losing PT's who are strangers. When in the moment, I handle everything near perfect. I am fazed by nothing. I can see gruesome sites without a second thought. But I want to know, how I can have a healthy family relationship again without the what-ifs. I can't be the only one, seriously. Someone has to have solved this by now. And I apologize if this isn't in the right forum, I didn't want to take too much time to search because I didn't want to lose these thoughts while I had them

Heartfelt responses would be very greatly appreciated. Even if you have no answers, seeing similar experiences will help tremendously. No matter how small. Thank you for reading

 

[Ewok Jerky]

You need professional help. Go see a psychiatrist.

 

[DrParasite]

I agree. based on what you describe, seeking out professional help would be a good start.

 

[Chewy20]

I can put you in contact with an awesome doc if you want. Let me know...you need it.

 

[PeopleDeliveryBoy]

Doctors = money
You don't need to be a mathematician to fill in the empty variable...

This is something I would like to try to resolve on my own at first.

 

[DrParasite]

sorry bud, but it probably won't happen. sounds like you are beyond the "I can fix this myself" level first.

if your employed, see if your employer has an employee assistance program.

In EMS, we tend to internalize a lot of what we go through...... based on what you are describing, you are waaaaay beyond that stage, and should seek professional help.

and just think, if you spend a couple $$$ on mental health you will sleep better, be happier at the job, and be able to work more OT, which will give you more $$$$

 

[Carlos Danger]

Doctors = money
You don't need to be a mathematician to fill in the empty variable...

This is something I would like to try to resolve on my own at first.

It sounds as though you are well beyond the point of being able to deal with this yourself. You've been trying that for awhile now, right?

Doctors may be expensive, but you can't afford not to deal this the right way.

I hope you get some help soon. I wish you the best.

 

[PeopleDeliveryBoy]

Thank you for all the wishes and suggestions.
I'm still hopeful there will be someone who isn't going to direct me to the padded room, but I can't say im surprised.
I know I need help, which is why I'm here. This is my first step to seeking help, and it's a bit scary at the moment.

It's crazy to think of what I've seen, what I've done, all of the lives I've seen at their final moments. And what really scares me, is to talk. I know you're not therapists and not certified and blah blah blah. I know the stigma in our careers prevents you from even attempting to talk to me about this. Many of you seem to be imagining me with a noose around my neck as I type this.
I'm not a suicide threat, Not by a long shot. Don't fear Youll say the wrong thing and cause me to snap. I Go through periods where these things are all I can think about. Bad weeks at most. And then I'm okay for a few months, happy and content. Not mania or anything crazy like that. Just happiness.

I think Whats set this off this time, is a call i responded to about 2 weeks ago. A mother murdered her 3 children, the. Texted a picture of blood on the walls and floor to her ex marine husband. He rushed to the home and attempted CPR on the children, but they were far gone. The baby clung to life for a few days before passing away. The COD was strangulation for the 7 year old and 5 month old, and drowning for the 6yo daughter. The blood was from the mother who had slashed her wrists in attempt to kill herself. Luckily she cut across. Selfish *****.
I just attended the funeral yesterday, at the fathers request. The small caskets kill me every time.

I've never dealt well with the death of children. I hope nobody does.
I have so much love for my family, experiencing something like this strikes something very very deep inside me. I don't tell my family I hurt like this. My wife is very understanding, but telling her would only stress her out adding to her already enormous list of responsibility. I know she would do anything to help me, but this just isn't something she could help with.

I know I need help guys, but at this moment I really just need other people to talk to with similar experiences. Where can I go for this? Other then my co workers, I have no one else to really relate to. That is what brought me to this forum in the first place. And seeing a whole bunch of "you just need to see a therapist", while well intentioned, is not what I need. And I really do appreciate the effort, don't get me wrong.
The last thing I want right now, is some pen thumping clipboard holder who gets me to talk to myself with no experience or understanding of my career and the emotions that go along with it.

Anyone who can relate to this story, or any story involving children would be very helpful. Or at least refer me to a place where I can find someone who does.

Thank you again for the help guys

 

[Brandon O]

The scary thing about this stuff is that there's such a stigma about seeking help, even the people who need it think there's something wrong with it. Like you said -- you don't want to go to padded room.

But while the stuff you've seen may put you in rare territory compared to Craig down at the muffler shop, your response isn't some kind of wacky new disease. There are thousands and thousands of people walking around with PTSD. Some are from working in emergency services. Some are from other sectors of healthcare. Some are from the military, or suffered domestic abuse, or other horrible ****, but it's the same psychological phenomenon, and guess what -- we have treatments for it.

See a psychiatrist, ideally one who specializes in PTSD. (Start with your PCP if you need a referral.) There are meds that help (straightforward meds, not anything crazy that'll make your feet stink and eyeballs itch), and more importantly, therapies that work. This isn't a foo-foo get-in-touch-with-your-inner-Oedipus thing, it's medicine -- CBT, EMDR, others -- and it does make people better. Your insurance should cover it.

You treat SVT with adenosine, COPD with albuterol, PTSD with therapy plus or minus some symptomatic meds. It's not a sign of weakness or something disgusting about your DNA, any more than the guy with shortness of breath is a bad person for needing a neb. We all need help sometimes, and you're just like the the wheezer in that I'm pretty sure neither of you is going to pull yourselves out of this by your bootstraps.

In the mean time, there are some hotlines here -- http://codegreencampaign.org/resources/ -- that can put you in touch with other first responders (and additional resources). But I would not stop there.

You'd be pretty unimpressed by a diabetic who didn't think he needed to lose weight, take his pills, and get with the program, right? Especially when his feet are falling off and he's going blind? It sounds like both your ability to work and ability to live your life are unwinding. Do you want to hold onto those or not?

 

[gotbeerz001]

Doesn't your employer provide an EAP program? You often can get 4-6 sessions with a doc with a chance for additional sessions to be granted.

 

[PeopleDeliveryBoy]

Brandon, very very well said. Thank you.

And to shirtz, been there. Done that. The particular company im working for right now only goes through 'board certified' clients.

Meaning, the cheap ones who not only don't help, but have given me the outlook on these people I have right now.

 

[Brandon O]

There was another medic who was blogging for a period of time (I think he stopped last year) about going through a similar journey. You can read about his process here.

 

[teedubbyaw]

You need professional help. Go see a psychiatrist.

So he can get diagnosed with PTSD and get a prescription?

See someone who isn't a psychiatrist. Don't keep putting it off. You've already admitted there's a problem...now do something about it.

 

[Brandon O]

So he can get diagnosed with PTSD and get a prescription?

See someone who isn't a psychiatrist.

Psychiatry can either perform or refer to someone (a clinical psychologist probably) who does the appropriate psychotherapy, and are the only ones who can evaluate the need for a pharmacological component. You can go either way but that direction seems easiest to me.

 

[PeopleDeliveryBoy]

There was another medic who was blogging for a period of time (I think he stopped last year) about going through a similar journey. .

Wow. Just wow.
Thank you for referring me to this, it's like its written about me.
This is exactly the type of thing I need, thank you so much

It's not so much I don't want to get help from my problems. But pinpointing exactly what I need help with in its entirety

I love my job, but something in me is wearing down mentally rendering me less capable then I was as a young and determined person. I'm starting now to rebuild my mental strength I didn't even realize I was losing.

 

[Ewok Jerky]

So he can get diagnosed with PTSD and get a prescription?

Uh, yeah.

 

[Brandon O]

It's not so much I don't want to get help from my problems. But pinpointing exactly what I need help with in its entirety

Right, I mean, that's sort of why we go to specialists to help find (and fix) these problems.

Same reason I take my car to the shop when it starts rattling. I know my car, so I know something ain't right, but I don't know the rattle, because that's new. I do, however, know where to go to get it sorted out.

 

[PeopleDeliveryBoy]

Right, I mean, that's sort of why we go to specialists to help find (and fix) these problems.

Same reason I take my car to the shop when it starts rattling. I know my car, so I know something ain't right, but I don't know the rattle, because that's new. I do, however, know where to go to get it sorted out.

Metaphorically this makes sense. But being in the position of weakness, it's far more complicated then some groaning from my engine.

You have to understand, when dealing with mental problems in yourself, there is that co start fear that you're worrying about something unjustifiable. The fear that a doctor will just throw meds at you. That fear that it's worse then I thought.
A car can be replaced. Your mind cannot.

It's nerve racking, and I hope you never have to experience it.

 

[Brandon O]

It is what it is, brother. If it helps -- it's everywhere. Flip through some of the stories at the Code Green Campaign to see how common this stuff is.

And by the way, so far the folks at Code Green have had to announce another EMS suicide about every 3 days this year. Not to be a downer, but this stuff is real, and we should really have more ways to acknowledge it than 1) Ignore and deny forever, then 2) Give up.

 

[chriscemt]

You have to understand, when dealing with mental problems in yourself, there is that co start fear that you're worrying about something unjustifiable. The fear that a doctor will just throw meds at you. That fear that it's worse then I thought.
A car can be replaced. Your mind cannot.

It's nerve racking, and I hope you never have to experience it.

We all experience it. Everyone reading this right now cares about you and your situation. We all transport people to where they get the best care - 911/IFT don't matter. You need psychiatric/therapeutic help and there shouldn't be any question on that. We ALL understand the want to fight through it yourself. I too like to find a solution before I bring the problem to someone... but man, you aren't bringing it lightly and I want you to find some help. It begins with you. It begins with you asking others for assistance. It begins with you finding that help and hopefully that help is given from the proper sources. We can't make you feel better to the need it to happen here. You need a professional. If you're local service doesn't see it, please understand that all of us reading here see it, and get that help.

And get it, and then you can get back to helping others, man.