How to force myself to quit EMS

Foxbat

Foxbat

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I know I need to get out of EMS. Probably out of fire service also.
The reason for it is, I know I am not good at any of these two. I have been doing both for years, and I know my co-workers/co-volunteers don't trust me (in a professional sense, not in a personal). I know I am not confident at what I am doing. I am not sure how much of it is me being bad at what I am doing, and how much it is me being inconfident (the latter reinforcing the former... nice example of a positive feedback system). I keep being told things like "you are a smart guy, you just need more confidence", etc. You all know this sort of people - the ones who are booksmart but are useless when it comes to real business. That's me. Some co-workers tell me I am too soft and that's why people in the service treat me like crap, that I am not being treated fairly, that I deserve better, but it does not matter. People with low confidence, or people who are not trusted, have no place in emergency services.

Maybe I am overreacting because it's just been one of those calls when I know I did not do well. Tomorrow morning I will probably regret writing all this stuff here, which is why I am in a hurry to type it now.

I hate myself for doing something I am bad at. I hate myself for volunteering and stealing someone's job. And I hate myself for not being able to quit.

I'm not going to be kicked out, because I am hard-working and in general not bad enough to be kicked out, but nevertheless I suck. But I can't make myself quit. Fire/EMS is like a drug. It's something I love to do. It's something in which I invested years of my life, countless hours of my time, something for which I took many classes, including college classes, something that I have been proud of doing even though I know I am not good at it. And it is so hard to quit doing the job (yes, for me it's a job, although unpaid) you love because you know you should. It's like leaving a person you love because you know they deserve better.

Thank you for reading to my *****ing/rant. Now, back to my job...
 
Maybe you should go into training? Find an area where you can teach aspects of EMS - sounds like you'd be an excellent instructor - book smarts combined with real life experience.
 
Is this a PUI? Posting under the influence, well you got it off your chest, now think of how hard you worked to get where you are. Fire is no easy business to get into, hard as hell as a mater of fact. No confidence? Hell, someone had confidence in you when they hired you, so buck up bud. You had a bad day. Working fire is the best job in the world, remember that :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmNTAvnSais
 
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SarahAus said:
Maybe you should go into training?
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No. I don't want to be another example of "those who can, do; those who can't, teach".

Sandog said:
Is this a PUI?
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No, I am sober. I kind of feel like getting drunk, but drinking to feel better would be a bad idea...

Hell, someone had confidence in you when they hired you
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I was never hired. I volunteer. Unfortunately, it's very easy to become one. If you have a clean background check and no bad references, you are good to go.
Could I become hired as a professional FF/EMT? I don't know. I never tried.
 
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Well, volunteer or hired, you did a good thing getting into the profession. I think you should sleep on it, clear your head, then make another post. Really man, think on it.

And sorry about the PUI comment.
 
Consider yourself very lucky, in San Diego, even the vollie FD's make you jump through hoops, take the PAT and all sorts of things. It is so hard to get into fire here most will give up their first child for the shot. Also, your training will be very valuable to private companies such as a oil company. Your learning things that will help you for years to come.

Thats it. and good luck. :)
 
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I've often considered becoming a ping pong champion.
 
Foxbat said:
I know I need to get out of EMS. Probably out of fire service also.
The reason for it is, I know I am not good at any of these two. I have been doing both for years, and I know my co-workers/co-volunteers don't trust me (in a professional sense, not in a personal). I know I am not confident at what I am doing. I am not sure how much of it is me being bad at what I am doing, and how much it is me being inconfident (the latter reinforcing the former... nice example of a positive feedback system). I keep being told things like "you are a smart guy, you just need more confidence", etc. You all know this sort of people - the ones who are booksmart but are useless when it comes to real business. That's me. Some co-workers tell me I am too soft and that's why people in the service treat me like crap, that I am not being treated fairly, that I deserve better, but it does not matter. People with low confidence, or people who are not trusted, have no place in emergency services.

Maybe I am overreacting because it's just been one of those calls when I know I did not do well. Tomorrow morning I will probably regret writing all this stuff here, which is why I am in a hurry to type it now.

I hate myself for doing something I am bad at. I hate myself for volunteering and stealing someone's job. And I hate myself for not being able to quit.

I'm not going to be kicked out, because I am hard-working and in general not bad enough to be kicked out, but nevertheless I suck. But I can't make myself quit. Fire/EMS is like a drug. It's something I love to do. It's something in which I invested years of my life, countless hours of my time, something for which I took many classes, including college classes, something that I have been proud of doing even though I know I am not good at it. And it is so hard to quit doing the job (yes, for me it's a job, although unpaid) you love because you know you should. It's like leaving a person you love because you know they deserve better.

Thank you for reading to my *****ing/rant. Now, back to my job...
Click to expand...

Have you ever considered it may be the agency and not you?

I was once recruited and accepted a job at an agency where management wanted to hire "the new thinking kind of medics."

I eventually quit during the FTO period when it became apparent in the eyes of the FTOs I could do nothing right.

Some of the things I got written up for in 6 weeks time:

1. Not driving fast enough on the way to an emergency call. (It was a foggy morning and visibility was near nothing)

2. Not sounding "paniced" enough when calling in a critical trauma patient.

3. Taking time to write down the vent settings I asked the parent for "which delayed getting to the hospital with such a critical patient."

4. Assisting a COPD patient with taking their duoneb instead of using our albuterol. (call was dispatched as :pt states shaking too much to use her medication)

5. Suspecting a hypersensitive/OD opioid reaction in a teenager who went to the dentist earlier in the day and had an empty bottle of tylenol 3 prescribed same day.

6. Asking the sheriff to allow me to question a teenage patient alone who had seized at a graduation party.

7. Almost dropping a patient when I stumbled on uneven ground at night as part of a 6 man crew carrying a 14 year old boy on a backboard.

8. Not appreciating how serious a bilateral degloving injury was because I didn't dress the wounds on scene. (transport time to the hospital was less than 2 minutes)

9. Suggesting you could do a right sided EKG by placing the precordial leads on the right side.

10. Disagreeing with the FTO about working a cardiac arrest (The guy had rigor and we had a field termination protocol)

11. Requiring 2 attempts to intubate a malampati 4 score patient in a confined space.

12. Giving a hypoglycemic who was still conscious oral glucose after multiple failed IV attempts by myself, the FTO, and the other paramedic.

13. (my personal favorite) Using noninvasive methods of treatment instead of IV meds on every patient.

14. Taking a patient's temperature. ( I was told real paramedics don't take temperatures. Asking why thermometers were required on all state ambulances probably didn't win me any friends that day either.)

According to my final performance report, I was not the quality of paramedic the agency was looking for. (I have made several jokes about this actually)

I quit that job on a Wednesday and 6 days later started my first critical care job where I went on to win several awards for outstanding clinical ability.

Pearls before swine my friend.

Before you quit, get a second opinion.
 
I used to get the "being too calm on the radio" when calling the hospital. I would take a deep breath and talk calmly so that they could understand me and I wouldn't miss something.
Same thing when calling dispatch for "Oh S***" stuff.

It is the professional way to act. When I was dispatching we had a crew call in screaming that they needed police because they were about to be killed: nothing saying who they were, or where they were. and they wouldn't get off the radio.
 
Veneficus said:
Have you ever considered it may be the agency and not you?
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I considered it, but it's not one agency. I have this problem at various agencies, although to different degrees. The common denominator here seems to be me.

Sandog said:
Consider yourself very lucky, in San Diego, even the vollie FD's make you jump through hoops, take the PAT and all sorts of things.
Click to expand...

California is a head above most states when it comes to VFDs. In most VFD's around the country there's no CPAT and really no entrance requirements other than background check. The fire departments are hurting for members and they are not too picky.

Also, your training will be very valuable to private companies such as a oil company. Your learning things that will help you for years to come.
Click to expand...

I am an engineer (well, engineering grad student at this point), so generally no employees care about my FF-II or EMT-B, unless I try to work for a fire/medical equipment manufacturer.
 
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Do you ENJOY EMS? If you do, I would suggest you look into IFT. IFT may not be as exciting as 911 but it would give you a good chance to practice your skills in a more stable environment.

Sure you might think of it as being a Horizontal Taxi but there is a lot you can learn. Most of the Medics in my area recommend this.
 
leoemt said:
Do you ENJOY EMS? If you do, I would suggest you look into IFT. IFT may not be as exciting as 911 but it would give you a good chance to practice your skills in a more stable environment.

Sure you might think of it as being a Horizontal Taxi but there is a lot you can learn. Most of the Medics in my area recommend this.
Click to expand...

I subscribe to:

Practice what you do, do what you practice.

There is something to learn in IFT, but skills practice is not one of them.

I have noticed that it is total patient contact that makes providers better.
 
You're the one who lives in your skin and you're the one who knows if you're in to the work or not.

I think that would be your central question. Also, as a Vollie Firemedic you're straddling two lines. Do you have equal enthusiasm for them both or do you favor the work in one over the other?

My point is, if you're into it you'll do the work it takes, however it needs to be done, to get better at what you do.

If you dig the work just enough, then figure out what YOU need to do to motivate yourself to build that confidence you're so sure you don't have.

Confidence may start as a gift but life has a tendency to quickly turn it into something that must be earned again and again.

If it means enough to you, you will find a way. If it really isn't a "have-to" then walk away proud of having learned a bit more about yourself and what makes you feel most alive. If you find yourself in a position where you're continually judging yourself as not enough, it may be about your juice.

I say, Go for Happy!
 
Foxbat said:
I know I am not confident at what I am doing. I am not sure how much of it is me being bad at what I am doing, and how much it is me being inconfident
Click to expand...

I've been in EMS for coming on 4 years, 2.5 of which as a Paramedic. I have worked under progressive protocols for most of my career, I have RSId, I've been congratulated by physicians upon noticing something and bringing it to their attention,, I've been told I handle things greatly without issue by all my FTOs, I've been told by many to continue to med school:

I still don't feel confident. I still feel judged. When talking with my medical director yesterday he asked what my confidence level was, and I said barely a 6 out of 10. I'm not confident, it's not part of my persona.



What makes you feel you're not good, that you're not trusted? Has someone stated this to you?
 
Success is mastering failure and not giving up. Also a vacation might help to because cumulative stress takes its toll!
 
Foxbat, hope you are feeling better by now. There's something to be said for not waiting for bad news, but there can also be objectivity from others which you cannot have about your situation.

How about this (presuming you haven't pulled the pin): look into other stuff you like, look at your life needs (expenses, income, and [yes/gasp] enjoyment), and remember that everyone with a shred of professionalism has had dry spells and periods they questioned themselves during.

I presume that you know the nuances and details we don't, but remember, if you don't burn bridges you can still have friends and maybe even return later if things ever turn out that way.(Usually you're so into what's new that the old gig doesn't "fit" any more).

And if it seems no one appreciates you, and they know that is something you value, then maybe you deserve better anyway!
Good luck!!
 
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