Funny E-mail

[Pudge40]

I got this through an E-mail. I don't know if it was truly posted on Craig's List or not but it is funny nonetheless.

Posted to Craig's List / Personals:


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 A M EST:

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment, I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.

The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that? You should call them and complain about the poor service. Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

P.S. Remember this motto: "An armed society makes for a more civil society!"

 

[Mountain Res-Q]

ROFLMAO!!!

Real justice!!! Mtn likey...

 

[HotelCo]

Hahaha. Doubt it's real, but it's still funny.

 

[fast65]

I've seen that before, pretty damn funny. :lol:

 

[usafmedic45]

That's awesome. I also like this one: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1169369888.html

need your eyesore,please help
Date: 2009-05-13, 2:04PM PDT

I had a nice hedge on my property line, but my neighbor said it was a ratty eyesore and killed it. I would like a bus? a train car? huge peice of rusted heavy equiptment?? This is not a joke If you have something huge and ugly you need to be rid of perhaps we can help eachother out! I would prefer something tall and ominous but will consider any old peice of sh*t. Wreckage from a airplane would also fit the bill. Also, if part of it squeekes in the wind or is highly reflective in the sun that would be a plus

* Location: kelso
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1169369888
========================
Trade Cockatiel for Wedding Ring
Date: 2009-04-30, 2:51PM CDT

Want to trade adorable bird for wedding ring.

I purchased this cockatiel for my girlfriend on Valentines Day 2008. It turns out that cockatiels are great pets except for the constant shedding, pooping, screaming and absolute lack of affection for its owners. Harrington is the bird's name and he would like to come live with you, however, my girlfriend has formed an attachment to this animal. Apparently, she thinks it is cute when he buzzes by our heads at 100mph or screams as loud as he can while we try to take a mid afternoon, Sunday nap.

Some of his other great qualities include:
1. Chasing the dog. Jaxson is our dog's name. She leaves the room at the first notion that Harrington is free from his cage. The bird weighs a few ounces and the dog 75lbs but Harrington rules the roost, so to speak.
2. Watching TV. Harrington loves CNN - something about political talk on TV really gets Harrington going. I prayed he would rupture his vocal cords during the 24hour coverage of the 2008 presidential election.
3. Total independence. Harrington's wings have grown out since we got him in Feb. 2008. He can fly, fast. He doesn't want to be handled, touched, or even looked at. He has a tendency to hiss just before he bites, so in his defense, we are given some warning.

My girlfriend loves animals! All animals! Unfortunately, she has created an unexplainable bond with this bird. If it were up to me, I would set him free but I fear I would be set free as well. I think the sting of loosing her bird would be lessened if I had a wedding ring to replace him with.

I would like to trade this wonderful pet (cage and all his paraphernalia included) for a wedding ring. The ideal candidate would be a deaf woman who recently broke off her engagement and is looking for a hands-off companion. If you know someone, please pass along this posting.




* Location: Westport/Plaza
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
=====================
Living In Sin Sale
Date: 2009-04-14, 3:12PM CDT

Mom, deal with it.

We moved in together, and we're happy. So is the baby on the way. Kidding. I'm kidding. No babies.

But we do have lots of stuff to sell. For starters, I was never using one ironing board, and now we have two. And we also both owned Borat and Wedding Crashers. I know, right? We were destined for each other.

So, stop by Saturday, April 18th between 8am and noon. Pass judgment on our living arrangement. Then, bring a piece of it home with you.

It's like she says, why buy the cow when you can sell a toaster?

* Location: 4366 Holly Hills
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1122338452

=====================
HENCHMEN NEEDED
Date: 2008-08-05, 2:34PM BST

20-30 henchmen needed for moderately-sized supervillain organisation with large expansion potential (fortresses built into geological structures, corruption of government officials, possible genesis of 'nemesis' vigilante). Electrical theme.

Applicants must be willing to learn new skills, including but not limited to operation of specialised 'lightning guns'. Applicants will also be required to wear specialised uniform when at work (functional rubber suits with my logo on front), except in cases where deception is required (posing as hostages in order to ambush vigilantes, etc).

Desired (but not necessarily required) in applicants:

-interesting deformations/obsessions/powers(?) giving rise to interesting nicknames (e.g. Claws, Pyro, Buzzsaw, and similar)
-unwavering loyalty
-being a corruptible government official
-ability to work as part of a close-knit team (unless interesting obsession is of the 'lone wolf' variety)
-grudge against any well-known vigilante
-flexible moral code

Equal opportunies employer. Both henchmen and femmes fatales absolutely welcome.

Great promotion opportunities - right-hand-man position constantly being unexpectedly opened. Would look good on any future supervillain resume/CV.

Send an email with details of any prior henchman work, or details of what is driving you to join the ranks of a supervillain organisation. Will reply to all serious applicants. Hope to hear from you, and with luck, welcome you into a rewarding and promising career!

- Jacque (The Zapper) Zerapi

* Location: London, but planned worldwide expansion
* Compensation: �20,000pa starting salary, with added commissions based around success of supervillain operations. Contracts negotiable depending on applicant's personal skills/powers.
* Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
* Please, no phone calls about this job!
* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 783766933


=====================
I also recommend: http://www.hulagroove.co.uk/wedding_bands_enquiry.html

 

[whatevah]

a messed-up buddy of mine wrote this one.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dlw/484597226.html

You can buy a turkey fryer or you can suck my ****!
Date: 2007-11-20, 11:38AM EST

Turkey time is here again and it will be followed shortly by tinsel time. So I decided to help out everyone who might have a broken range or oven.

1. It's always helpful to think of your friendly, local appliance store like it is a car dealership. We sell a product that is intended to be used everyday for several years. We also service and sell parts for our products. Keeping that in mind, before trying your bull**** with me, think to yourself, "Would this bull:censored**** fly at a car dealership?"

2. The difference between you and everybody else out there is nothing. Zero, zip, zilch. Even the fact that you think you're different and smarter than the average bear makes you, in fact, quite average. You only think you've come up with a creative line or the sob story of the century. You think you're going to lay your bull**** on me so thick that I'm going to break down in tears of empathy while we collectively rub our manginas and begin a support group for people with traumatic appliance experiences. I've heard your bull**** a thousand times a thousand different ways. You're not original nor are you believable.

3. When your oven is broken and you call me 2 days before Turkey Day losing your **** on the phone, I don't care. I also don't care that you have 523 family members coming from out of town and you don't have an oven in which to cook your bird. Why am I so apathetic? Because you're only the 12th person to call me before 11am today telling me the same story. Over the years, I have become quite desensitized to your whining.

4. When you tell me that your oven has been broken since July and you now need us at your house this very same day to fix it, you're telling me two things. First, you're a lazy ****. I don't care if you don't use the oven often. Who the **** let's their oven stay broken for five months and decides to fix it two days before they need to cook a massive amount of food? Secondly, you didn't think it was important for five months so I can put you at the bottom of my priority list. If you try to tell me your oven just suddenly up and broke this morning, I will see right through your lie. We get 50 or more broken oven calls in the few days leading up to turkey day and santa day. We get one or two any other week. Ovens don't collectively go on strike. Most people just admit their **** has been broken since the Clinton administration, but some of you think you can bull**** me. Not gonna happen. How can I tell? Well you said you're at work and you just found out this morning. Who the **** bakes **** for breakfast? Are you Aunt Bee? Get the **** out of town.

5. Asking dumb**** questions will get you nowhere. Here's a short list of my favorites and my replies:
Q-What am I supposed to do? Thanksgiving is in two days!
R-Buy a turkey fryer....they taste better anyway. And by the way, I know when Thanksgiving is. Obviously you don't or you wouldn't have waited til now to call for service.

Q-What do you mean you don't have the part in stock?
R-Short answer, well, there's in stock and there's out of stock. Can you guess which side of the fence you're on? Long answer, it means that every other jackass with a broken oven out there had at least enough sense to call last week and therefore the limited parts we have in stock are already promised to those customers. We are not in our own little appliance microcosm here. When we're low on parts, it's because they are scarce nationwide....turkey day is the same day everywhere in the U.S., ****ella.

Q-Well, can't you send someone out first thing Thursday morning?
R-You can kiss my *** and the *** of every employee in this building if you think we're going to make one of our technicians get up on turkey day to come **** with your oven. Pucker up, I think a few delivery guys just got back.

6. Don't ever get fooled into thinking talking tough and/or dictating how we should conduct business will have one ounce of bearing on how we operate. Tell me it's unacceptable, I'll tell you to accept it. Tell me you'll never shop here again...you never shopped here in the first place...you just told me you bought the oven somewhere else. Why don't you go back where you bought it and get them to fix it? Oh, that's right, the big box retailers don't have a parts and service department. Well I guess your turkey day dinner will consist of a big bowl of your tears, ****. Don't you dare demand that I do something to fix your problem. I'll just demand your lips to fall magically on my exposed derriere.

7. Asking us to rearrange our service schedule to fit you in just smacks of elitism. And we're all working class stiffs who hate any cocksucker who thinks they're important enough to get us to rearrange our schedule. By "rearrange" you mean bump...as in bump somebody else to next week just to get to you, princess. They called before you so they get serviced before you. It's called fairness, something with which you're not familiar. Now not only will we not be getting to you today, Christmas isn't looking good either. I hope your pee-hole scabs over.

8. This is not an emergency, don't you dare call it one. You might just be tempting fate into having a drunk driver run you over just to show you what a real emergency is. There is no 811 for appliance emergencies, asscock. Unless your oven is shooting flames up to your ceiling or your daughter just got sucked into the TV, you are not experiencing an appliance emergency.

9. Think about the car dealership again. Imagine going in there during a particularly busy week and saying, "I need you to fix my car right this instant. It's been broken for three months, but now I'm going on a 600 mile road trip tomorrow and I demand you take another customer's car off the lift and get mine in there today!" See how far that **** will fly.

So in closing, you're no smarter, better or more deserving of my time than any other Joe Schmo with a broken oven. Get in line. If you act like an *** and try to make demands, you will get nowhere with me. You ask me what you're going to do for Thanksgiving dinner. Well you can eat the corn out of my ****, mother ****er!

* Location: Your ***
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

 

[Pudge40]

Wow look what I have started. These postings are really funny. I like the bird for ring one and the appliance one the best.