Altered Mental Status
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I'm an AEMT in my second semester of Paramedic. I don't have a whole lot of experience but I've had a few incidents on clinical rotations that are making me feel like maybe I wasted all my money and time trying to shoe-horn myself into a world in which I do not belong and am not really welcome.
I'm a mess. Too smart for my own good yet socially clumsy, underconfident and I end up getting under someone's skin everywhere I go. It's been like this since I was a little girl; I've always been the nerdy oddball who comes off as a know-it-all. Even worse, I'm clumsy and inexperienced so I seem like an incompetent know-it-all. I try to mitigate this by being humble and showing gratitude but I always find myself getting rolled-eyes looks from the nurses and and the sneaking suspicion that they're whispering about me at the nurse's station. I end up cleaning a lot of beds and sent to bring things to the lab a lot.
It's snowballed into this giant ball of angst and dread in my chest that seems to just be getting worse and worse. The more nervous and underconfident I am, the more clumsy and prone to make mistakes. The harder I try to power through that, the more likely I am to screw something up and look like an arrogant B--ch who fell on her *** and needs to be run off.
Things I do wrong pretty regularly:
1. I'm too slow about placing 12-leads. I try not to make the patient feel like I'm manhandling (or lady-handling) them and then I struggle with the giant ball of tangled leads like an idiot for a while. I feel like a moron because I keep clipping them on and then the patient moves or they get caught and the ones I just placed come off while I'm placing others. It's freaking slapstick...I know I look like a G.D. clownshow.
2. I've lost all confidence getting IVs and now I take forever and miss about half of them. My heart is in my chest because I always end up getting that patient who says "One chance, that's all you get." Furthermore, I have tiny, tiny hands (I wear a size 4.5 ring, if that tells you anything) and I have trouble knowing what to do with my fingers and never manage to occlude the vein enough so there's always a mess to clean.
3. I open my G.D. mouth too much. I think I'm helping myself by asking for guidance or discussing my interventions but really, I'm making myself look like a naive idiot. No one cares what my thoughts are, no one wants to stop and talk, you either get it or you don't. Lead, follow or GTFO of the way. Even worse; I talk when I'm nervous and end up putting my foot so far in my mouth, I kick my own a$$.
I've made 3 mistakes in my career that were bad enough to be officially reprimanded for. One had to do with saying something stupid in the box that got completely (understandably) misinterpreted. I'm still kicking myself a year later. It was so dumb, it's embarrassing.
The second was that I am prescribed medication that I left in my purse under the desk at the hospital which was subsequently stolen. When I reported it, the charge nurse felt as though I was accusing people and possibly drug-seeking. I had to explain to my director that I was actually OVERDUE to have my script refilled because I'd skipped a few doses (with my doc's approval) to avoid downregulation issues. It doesn't matter. I never should have brought them with me and I NEVER should have reported it without calling my director/instructor FIRST. DERP. It was decided that I not return to that ED ever again.
The last (and most serious) was when I began to raise the stretcher for a patient who had pulmonary problems in Cath Lab recovery. I'm lucky I didn't really hurt that patient and I have spent hours crying and kicking myself over it. Honestly, I had no freaking idea I was doing wrong until after the fact. I thought I was helping the poor man because he said he couldn't breathe supine. I should have asked the nurse first.
My director received a stern letter about my incompetence and a whole bunch of "slightly clumsy" things I'd said or done that day ended up being exaggerated and included in that letter. I am in no position to argue or defend myself, obviously because of my giant F-up that comprises the bigger priority.
I am absolutely PANICKED now about doing another rotation. I have a feeling of dread in my gut and that almost GUARANTEES I'm going to fumble the ball and screw something up now.
I'm passionate about EMS, I love people and my patients usually love me back but I know that ain't enough. Half of this job is how you manage a scene, manage other professionals and how quickly, efficiently and confidently you can get it all done and defend your decisions.
Am I wasting my time?
I'm a mess. Too smart for my own good yet socially clumsy, underconfident and I end up getting under someone's skin everywhere I go. It's been like this since I was a little girl; I've always been the nerdy oddball who comes off as a know-it-all. Even worse, I'm clumsy and inexperienced so I seem like an incompetent know-it-all. I try to mitigate this by being humble and showing gratitude but I always find myself getting rolled-eyes looks from the nurses and and the sneaking suspicion that they're whispering about me at the nurse's station. I end up cleaning a lot of beds and sent to bring things to the lab a lot.
It's snowballed into this giant ball of angst and dread in my chest that seems to just be getting worse and worse. The more nervous and underconfident I am, the more clumsy and prone to make mistakes. The harder I try to power through that, the more likely I am to screw something up and look like an arrogant B--ch who fell on her *** and needs to be run off.
Things I do wrong pretty regularly:
1. I'm too slow about placing 12-leads. I try not to make the patient feel like I'm manhandling (or lady-handling) them and then I struggle with the giant ball of tangled leads like an idiot for a while. I feel like a moron because I keep clipping them on and then the patient moves or they get caught and the ones I just placed come off while I'm placing others. It's freaking slapstick...I know I look like a G.D. clownshow.
2. I've lost all confidence getting IVs and now I take forever and miss about half of them. My heart is in my chest because I always end up getting that patient who says "One chance, that's all you get." Furthermore, I have tiny, tiny hands (I wear a size 4.5 ring, if that tells you anything) and I have trouble knowing what to do with my fingers and never manage to occlude the vein enough so there's always a mess to clean.
3. I open my G.D. mouth too much. I think I'm helping myself by asking for guidance or discussing my interventions but really, I'm making myself look like a naive idiot. No one cares what my thoughts are, no one wants to stop and talk, you either get it or you don't. Lead, follow or GTFO of the way. Even worse; I talk when I'm nervous and end up putting my foot so far in my mouth, I kick my own a$$.
I've made 3 mistakes in my career that were bad enough to be officially reprimanded for. One had to do with saying something stupid in the box that got completely (understandably) misinterpreted. I'm still kicking myself a year later. It was so dumb, it's embarrassing.
The second was that I am prescribed medication that I left in my purse under the desk at the hospital which was subsequently stolen. When I reported it, the charge nurse felt as though I was accusing people and possibly drug-seeking. I had to explain to my director that I was actually OVERDUE to have my script refilled because I'd skipped a few doses (with my doc's approval) to avoid downregulation issues. It doesn't matter. I never should have brought them with me and I NEVER should have reported it without calling my director/instructor FIRST. DERP. It was decided that I not return to that ED ever again.
The last (and most serious) was when I began to raise the stretcher for a patient who had pulmonary problems in Cath Lab recovery. I'm lucky I didn't really hurt that patient and I have spent hours crying and kicking myself over it. Honestly, I had no freaking idea I was doing wrong until after the fact. I thought I was helping the poor man because he said he couldn't breathe supine. I should have asked the nurse first.
My director received a stern letter about my incompetence and a whole bunch of "slightly clumsy" things I'd said or done that day ended up being exaggerated and included in that letter. I am in no position to argue or defend myself, obviously because of my giant F-up that comprises the bigger priority.
I am absolutely PANICKED now about doing another rotation. I have a feeling of dread in my gut and that almost GUARANTEES I'm going to fumble the ball and screw something up now.
I'm passionate about EMS, I love people and my patients usually love me back but I know that ain't enough. Half of this job is how you manage a scene, manage other professionals and how quickly, efficiently and confidently you can get it all done and defend your decisions.
Am I wasting my time?
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