Dealing with spouses

[heatherabel3]

Do any of you guys have unsupportive spouses, or who were unsupportive at first? My husband is having a really hard time with me going to EMT school. I want more than anything to have his support but I am doing this with or without it, it's that important to me. I don't know if he's worried about me, or if its a woman in a mans field thing, he hasn't really said. I think part of it to is that I have been a stay at home mom for a really long time and now he's gonna have to step up and help and he isn't liking that. I try to talk to him but he just gets mad and asks why I can't just get a "normal effing job". Just wondering if any of you have any advice on how to deal with this or if I just have to ride it out and hope for the best?

 

[beandip4all]

Do any of you guys have unsupportive spouses, or who were unsupportive at first? My husband is having a really hard time with me going to EMT school. I want more than anything to have his support but I am doing this with or without it, it's that important to me. I don't know if he's worried about me, or if its a woman in a mans field thing, he hasn't really said. I think part of it to is that I have been a stay at home mom for a really long time and now he's gonna have to step up and help and he isn't liking that. I try to talk to him but he just gets mad and asks why I can't just get a "normal effing job". Just wondering if any of you have any advice on how to deal with this or if I just have to ride it out and hope for the best?

If you have a family to support, EMS honestly is not the most practical career choice. There are crazy hours, long shifts, high stress, low pay and a bad job market. Maybe he is resentful because he views it as you just having fun trying out a glamorous, action filled "hobby" but not something that makes sense for your family at this time. Maybe he's always wanted to do a fun, interesting job like firefighting or EMS or sportscaster or something but made boring, staid and sensible choices because of you and the kids? I would be annoyed if I put aside my dreams to do what's best for my family unit and then someone expected me to support them on their dreams without ever asking or supporting me on theirs.

Anyways, the answer is communication. Why didn't you gauge his feelings more and garner his support before you enrolled in school?

 

[mycrofft]

Last time I got into a marriage dispute someone jumped out a second story window. Just listen and ask a lot and remember EMS is potentially gone for you with one injury or clinical misstep.

 

[TatuICU]

EMS is not worth losing your marriage over. Ideally, a discussion about what EMS is and what all it entails as far as time away from home, bad pay, etc, should be discussed with your spouse prior to going down that road.

Truthfully, most EMS professionals around here (mainly private services) wind up with nothing more than a bad back and an empty bank account. Really think about it.

 

[heatherabel3]

Thats just the thing. I did support his dreams and follow him. He wanted to be in the military and see the world. So I left my home, my school, my everything to follow him around the world and never once complained. I wanted him to be happy and do what he was passionate about. I have spent more time as a single parent than I have as one with a partner and I see no reason why I can't get the same support as I have given him. No, EMS is not worth my marriage but we talked long and hard about this before I ever enrolled in school and he was ok with it then but now all of a sudden there is a problem. Maybe it's more real, maybe he's realizing how much I would be working. The whole thing is just a mess. School starts in a month, I have already bought my book and paid for everything. I just wish he had something when we talked about it the first time.

 

[RustyShackleford]

I think personally (I mean this in the nicest way possible) if you have to come to an internet forum for marriage/career advice maybe it is time to take a step back and receive professional help with such a thing. I appreciate peoples input on the internet when it comes to my profession, but I would never dream of involving unknowing strangers into my marital affairs " which for the record are fantastic". Just my 2 cents I am sure some will disagree but again that is the magic of the internet.

 

[Chimpie]

I think personally (I mean this in the nicest way possible) if you have to come to an internet forum for marriage/career advice maybe it is time to take a step back and receive professional help with such a thing. I appreciate peoples input on the internet when it comes to my profession, but I would never dream of involving unknowing strangers into my marital affairs " which for the record are fantastic". Just my 2 cents I am sure some will disagree but again that is the magic of the internet.

Keep in mind that many people here have or have had significant others and they may have some really good advice to give when it comes to not getting the proper amount of support with their career choice.

 

[RustyShackleford]

I respect that, I have been through many a difficult situation from the military, the middle east, to college and now as a paramedic, I just can't fathom seeking aid for such things on a military forum, but I will leave this to people who may offer help instead of pointless banter.

 

[TatuICU]

Keep in mind that many people here have or have had significant others and they may have some really good advice to give when it comes to not getting the proper amount of support with their career choice.

I've got one divorce under my belt personally.

 

[MRSA]

I'm somewhat lucky in this regard. My husband was an EMT before me, and I'm only doing it because there aren't any other jobs out their and the turnover rate is so high.

""normal effing job". Just wondering if any of you have any advice on how to deal with this or if I just have to ride it out and hope for the best?"

Well, first off all the normal jobs are taken by ungrateful :censored::censored::censored::censored::censored::censored::censored:s who don't even care if they have a job and complain about having one.

And maybe try taking this approach to a more serious level such as a sit down? I don't know what state you're in, but you don't HAVE to do ALS. However I'm in California so I know EMS jobs elsewhere are much different.

Also when my husband became an EMT I was a bit resentful just on the fact I didn't like worrying about him everyday. It pissed me off that he got to go to work, come home and talk about the cool crap he did while I worried if someone was going to T-Bone his rig.

 

[abckidsmom]

This thread has the potential to have valuable discussion if we keep the conversation productive. Watch the language everybody, and focus on the topic.

As for me, I think that you have multiple issues going on here in your marriage:

-the stay-at-home-mom issue: Getting back to work after being a SAHM is always a big adjustment, regardless of how easy the schedule is or how "normal" the job is.

-the new EMS student issue: These schedules are not normal. They never will be. You can't make an EMS schedule mesh with real life at all, at least definitely not when you're brand new. Right now, because hubby and I both work 24s, the kids have two nights with Grandma everytime we work the same day, the night before and the night we are actually working. I guess we could get the kids up at 0430 and take them over and drop them off, but I think that would be more disruptive for them than the alternative.

-the marital unity issue: In our marriage, in order to make it work, we sit and talk things out until we have unity on the topic. It sounds antiquated, but it's how it is. Our discussions are full-on complex discussions, but we agreed long ago that in areas that are important (and this is one of them) that when we do not have unity on the topic, he carries veto power, and we go with his decision.

This is difficult, and sometimes REALLY difficult to me, but it's how it works for us. I would never ever make a choice to do a thing when he had stated his point of view.

A career is temporary, a marriage is for a lifetime.

 

[heatherabel3]

Thanks a ton to those of you with thoughtful and helpful advice. Normally, no I would not turn to the internet for marriage advice, but for this kind of thing no one is gonna get it except for people who have "been there done that". I am gonna talk to him again tonight and see if I can get down to the actual root of his sudden objection. I mean, there has to be an actual reason he is all of a sudden against it. As far as kids and schedules, I know it's gonna be hard, probably more on me than on them but I really want them to know that when you are truly passionate about something you go for it and do your best to make it work. Now, if it doesn't and I find my kids are suffering or something like that I will gladly walk away but I'm not a quitter and this "cause I said so" thing just really isn't working for me. Anyway...I'm getting way off topic and starting to vent so again, thank you all for your advice. Hopefully a really good sit down heart to heart will get us to a decision, even if it's one I am going to hate to make.

 

[firetender]

You need to do what you need to do to get help so that you can talk to each other honestly. There are too many things left unsaid, and it's both of you, not just one of you.

The more your spouse resists you the stronger will be your desire to become a medic, without you being sure that's what you REALLY want to do; the forbidden fruit thing. So you need to reason out what's really happening with you and if EMS is a good choice for you and your family.

 

[mycrofft]

So-o-o-o....here's the advice you don't want to hear. Two parts and free.

1. You don't "handle" your spouse.
2. For the sake of argument, entertain the merest possibility he is right, at least for now.

Now, no jumping off the roof, or I'll have to give you a shot of vodka and two benadryls like I did for that other person. Slept for an entire day.

 

[heatherabel3]

#1 - I "handle" him all the time. :wub:
#2 - Maybe he is right, that I can handle if he has valid points. "Your a woman in a man's field" and "I don't think I should have to watch the kids after I've been at work all day" are not valid points IMO.

I would like to say for the record that outside of this we have a fantastic marriage. Maybe that's why this is throwing me off so much. Communication isn't something we struggle with. We live a military life, communication is key, so I just don't get why he isn't really telling me what's going on. I guess what I was hoping for from some of you was, from a guys point of view, what could be going on in his head. I have asked some of our friends and all I get is "I dunno, chicks in uniform are hot". Not exactly helpful. lol

 

[mycrofft]

I put my wife through college while on active duty working a second job. She then put me through nursing college working full time, while I was in the Guard and worked part time for one semester; we somehow had daycare for our infant then toddler son.

 

[MRSA]

This thread has the potential to have valuable discussion if we keep the conversation productive. Watch the language everybody, and focus on the topic.

I agree, I got way too passionate :C My bad.

And I hope it works out for you <3 I've always counted the blessing that my husband and I are both EMS so we kind of get it, but I've seen co-workers families and loved ones struggle with what they do. Hopefully it won't be too hard of a struggle and I'm happy to see some diverse responses.

I wish you the best!! <3!

 

[heatherabel3]

Just wanted to give a big thanks to those of you who said to just sit down and talk. We had a really good heart to heart and we now each understand where the other is coming from and even included the kids to see how they felt about mommy going back to work and what I would be doing. We have all agree, as a family, that I will be starting school next month!

 

[mycrofft]

ooraw

 

[systemet]

Just wanted to give a big thanks to those of you who said to just sit down and talk. We had a really good heart to heart and we now each understand where the other is coming from and even included the kids to see how they felt about mommy going back to work and what I would be doing. We have all agree, as a family, that I will be starting school next month!

Congratulations (I think!), and good luck.