EMSDude54343
Forum Lieutenant
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Working in EMS we deal with death almost constantly. In order to succeed we have to figure out early in our career how to personally handle death on the job so it doesn’t eat us alive. Due to multiple bad calls early on in my career I have gotten to the point that I am able to keep even some of the most gruesome deaths from bothering me, I am able to distance myself from it all pretty easily.
However, I am struggling how to figure out how to deal with death in my personal life. My mother has been very sick on and off my entire life and the last few years it has been a steady decline. A decline that she, and the rest of our family were well aware would eventually lead to her death in the near future. Up to the last minute I was able to be the strong, level headed, straight thinking member of my family through all this. Especially when discussing her final wishes with the Dr’s and making the ultimate decision to pull her off the vent and let her finally die and no longer be hurting or suffering, I was the strong voice in the family.
In the hours after mother was extubated, I left her side only to use the restroom. I held her hand as she died and finally was at peace. Through it all I was able to stay strong and handle it all emotionally and quickly come to terms of what was happening. Overall I think I have worked through the grief well. Except one small area.
When my mother finally stopped breathing, I was watching the monitor as her O2 levels dropped rapidly and her heart beat started slowing down, I had the urge to grab the BVM hanging on the wall and to yell out at the nurse to due something (my exact phrase I almost yelled was “call a code or something dammit!”). I had to really fight that urge and remind myself that this was what my mother wanted, this was her wish. I watched her color rapidly change as her heart beat continued to slow leading to inevitable cardiac arrest (Is it still cardiac arrest when it is expected?). I had to again fight the urge to act. I had the overwhelming urge to start compressions.
Deep down in my gut, I got the feeling that I was failing her, I’m an EMT and I was doing everything against what I was taught to do. Everything backwards of what we do in the field every day. In EMS we don’t just stand around and let someone die, we try to save them.
I kept reminding myself that this was her wish, she had a DNR and we deal with DNR scenarios in the field quite often. But the fact that it was my mother and not some random patient had kept this sickening feeling in my gut that makes me continually second guess my actions. I try to remind myself that we were doing what my mother had wanted. She didn't want to live on a vent the rest of her life. She didn't want to be bound to a wheelchair or bedridden. Didn’t want to live in an ALF or nursing home. All places she was headed. I keep reminding myself that I did what my mother wanted. I fulfilled her dying wishes. Yet I cannot shake the feeling that what I did was wrong. I should have done something.
Maybe just writing this all out will help me finally work through this.
Has anyone else here had to deal with a family death like this and found it difficult to get passed the feeling that they should have done something more since that is what we do every day?
However, I am struggling how to figure out how to deal with death in my personal life. My mother has been very sick on and off my entire life and the last few years it has been a steady decline. A decline that she, and the rest of our family were well aware would eventually lead to her death in the near future. Up to the last minute I was able to be the strong, level headed, straight thinking member of my family through all this. Especially when discussing her final wishes with the Dr’s and making the ultimate decision to pull her off the vent and let her finally die and no longer be hurting or suffering, I was the strong voice in the family.
In the hours after mother was extubated, I left her side only to use the restroom. I held her hand as she died and finally was at peace. Through it all I was able to stay strong and handle it all emotionally and quickly come to terms of what was happening. Overall I think I have worked through the grief well. Except one small area.
When my mother finally stopped breathing, I was watching the monitor as her O2 levels dropped rapidly and her heart beat started slowing down, I had the urge to grab the BVM hanging on the wall and to yell out at the nurse to due something (my exact phrase I almost yelled was “call a code or something dammit!”). I had to really fight that urge and remind myself that this was what my mother wanted, this was her wish. I watched her color rapidly change as her heart beat continued to slow leading to inevitable cardiac arrest (Is it still cardiac arrest when it is expected?). I had to again fight the urge to act. I had the overwhelming urge to start compressions.
Deep down in my gut, I got the feeling that I was failing her, I’m an EMT and I was doing everything against what I was taught to do. Everything backwards of what we do in the field every day. In EMS we don’t just stand around and let someone die, we try to save them.
I kept reminding myself that this was her wish, she had a DNR and we deal with DNR scenarios in the field quite often. But the fact that it was my mother and not some random patient had kept this sickening feeling in my gut that makes me continually second guess my actions. I try to remind myself that we were doing what my mother had wanted. She didn't want to live on a vent the rest of her life. She didn't want to be bound to a wheelchair or bedridden. Didn’t want to live in an ALF or nursing home. All places she was headed. I keep reminding myself that I did what my mother wanted. I fulfilled her dying wishes. Yet I cannot shake the feeling that what I did was wrong. I should have done something.
Maybe just writing this all out will help me finally work through this.
Has anyone else here had to deal with a family death like this and found it difficult to get passed the feeling that they should have done something more since that is what we do every day?
