Balancing Work & Home

[SillyTsh]

Im having trouble finding a balance between my career and my personal life.
Im a First year EMT so im still getting used to it all but while im growing quickly in my job, my personal life is suffering. Specifically my relationship with my bf.
Any suggestions on how you all handle it?

 

[HotelCo]

Don't worry about work when you're not at work.

 

[mgr22]

What you describe isn't unusual -- for people in any occupation. When I went through it, I had to ask myself how much of the trouble in my relationship was truly caused by the job. The answer was some, but not all.

 

[Amycus]

My advice would be to take a step back and question why your personal life is suffering.

Working too many hours? Try to cut back a little.
Not getting enough sleep? Re-think your sleeping pattern and hours.
Taking your work home with you/stressed? Find someone you can confide in, be it a friend, your bf, your partner, etc, and vent a little bit. You're only human after all.

Also as mgr22 suggests slightly- take a step back, write it all down if you need to- are the problems all job related or are they caused by other factors? Not to play devil's advocate, but maybe your BF is not supporting you because he doesn't see you as often? Maybe he feels like he went from seeing you all the time, to not enough? Other relationship problems and the job is getting blamed for it?

Take two steps back before moving forward. Personally, I'm very lucky. I'm not in a relationship right now, but when I do go out, I don't talk about work unless it's brought up by my date. When I'm out with friends, I'm lucky that the circle I run with enjoy my stories from the field.

All that said- even I got called out on kind of vanishing from my friends after getting my job. How did I fix it? Sent them "Hey how's it going?" texts and emails, to let them know I still care, went out of my way to make myself available when plans were going on, and just simply tried to get out when I can. I've gone out for breakfast and lunches with my friends a good bit now, when I never used to, because it fits our schedule.

Just step back and relax...breathe. Analyze the problem and come up with honest solutions to yourself.

 

[Soco_and_Lime]

What exactly do you mean by suffering? Not enough time together? Stressed out?

 

[akflightmedic]

The one prevailing attitude I have observed and even experienced as a newbie is that fact that you now believe you must always be "on".

Emergencies will always happen whether you are there or not, people will get saved, people will die...regardless of your presence or involvement.

Finding that balance is something only you can reconcile within yourself, but it must be done for your own health, safety and sanity...including those in your immediate circle (not EMS coworkers).

It is much like a romantic relationship...if you are with someone, you will never progress or grow if you are always thinking of someone else.

Your life and your EMS duties...one is a spouse, one is a mistress. Obviously you can not cut them both out (who does that?) but when you are with one, the other needs not to be thought of.

 

[Veneficus]

one is a spouse, one is a mistress. Obviously you can not cut them both out (who does that?) but when you are with one, the other needs not to be thought of.

Absolutely classic.

 

[TransportJockey]

I have no balance between the two at the moment because I don't have any other life other than EMS right now. I have two days off a week and both of those are my class days for P-school. I'm not sure what the hell I'll do after this year is over and I actually start getting days off again

 

[b2dragun]

I work 6 days a week so I know it can be tough. What I do is make sure on my day off my fiance and I go out and do something. I try to do nice little things for her when I can. I also make it a policy of mine not to talk about work when I'm not working, I get paid by the hour...so when I clock out I'm not an EMT anymore. Plus my fiance doesn't need to know about my code, gsw, rape, etc...she would worry more and prob play with her head. I have also learned that the person you are with needs to look at your new lifestyle and decide if it is something they can work with.

 

[firetender]

You'll find no help here; the "culture" betrays you!

I'm having trouble finding a balance between my career and my personal life...

Any suggestions on how you all handle it?

I wish it were different, but nothing has changed from the days of Johnny and Roy; nobody handles anything and that way of relating has gotten ingrained into EMS. It's a cancer, leaving behind it a trail of broken relationships, hearts and minds that don't need to be so terribly affected.

We're not Cops or Soldiers. Their lives are on the line, and when they have to, they kill people. Everyone other than themselves and peers (though not even that is assured!) is subject to suspicion. Trust is NOT a part of what they are trained to work with. Silence is more than a protective mechanism; it is their very survival.

JUST as many of them get burned, but they stay on the job because the pay and bennies far outstrip those in EMS!

We're different, although no one has seemed to explain that to us. We are involved in a very human pursuit; the lessening of pain and suffering and now and again, giving a chance at life to those who were considered hopeless. Day after day we are asked to be part of other people's suffering, with the added burden of being asked to relieve it when often we can't. With luck, we can take away a little, but human beings are absorptive mechanisms; we can't help but take on a little of that suffering.

Here's a metaphor. Take two guitars and sit them side by side on stands. Pluck ONE string on guitar "A" and what happens? That VERY SAME STRING on the other guitar will vibrate. Remember all that Quaantum stuff! We are VIBRATION subject to picking up vibrations from similar entities.

Compassion, and the internal changes we go through to attain it are integral parts of the job we do. We are advocates for our patients' well-being, are we not? We're the ones that people go to to share their truths so we better understand how to work with the situation and bring it to a favorable conclusion.

We are asked to be human by the work, but taught to be Flesh Mechanics by example.

What is this guy, NUTS! Apparently so. But let's get real; you have no personal life and the "culture" actually discourages you from experiencing yourself as a human being in the work you do.

You are told to NOT bring it home, but you're not shown a place to go to for relief. Who -- ANY ONE OF YOU --amongst your PEERS can you even talk to about this stuff?

You're flying without a net, and put in the position of having to go with what is, or go through the pain of changing those around you so you can get the SUPPORT you need.

But the funny thing, my new FNG friend, is you haven't even gotten there...you're just starting to juggle the logistics and haven't even hit your major walls yet. What are they? YOU CANNOT BEGIN TO IMAGINE!

Everything you go through in the field, which includes relentless assaults on every aspect of your being, including physical, emotional, moral, philisophic, psychic and spiritual aspects of LIFE is supposed to be left there, but you're kidding if you think it is. Those experiences resonate throughout your life; just ask the old-timers (if they'll talk to you!).

If you can't find a sympathetic ear amongst your peers for issues that tear you apart, and you're taught to not bring it home and honestly share what you're experiencing as a human being with your intimate others, what happens?

YOU change, get hard and your relationships take on the suffering.

Sorry, Gang; but "Don't Bring It Home" is a big part of why we are NOT a profession; too many people burn out before they can make the changes necessary to legitimize the work we do.

Please, show me I'm wrong!

 

[usafmedic45]

Don't worry about work when you're not at work.

Best advice ever. Remember that the patients are the ones with the disease or injury. What happens to them should not compromise your concern for yourself. There will always be someone else to take care of them, especially in EMS with its massively over saturated ranks.

 

[firetender]

Best advice ever. Remember that the patients are the ones with the disease or injury. What happens to them should not compromise your concern for yourself. There will always be someone else to take care of them, especially in EMS with its massively over saturated ranks.

How's YOUR relationship?

 

[usafmedic45]

How's YOUR relationship?

Great....actually could not be better now that I'm only practicing clinically on a PRN (read as: "when I darn well feel like it") basis which means I'm on a "normal" schedule for a change. Why do you ask?

 

[firetender]

Great....actually could not be better now that I'm only practicing clinically on a PRN basis. Why do you ask?

Maybe you didn't see my post:

post #10 on this thread. I'm interested in your response, especially in light of the fact you alluded to a change in the type of work you do lessening the pressures on your relationship. Would you please take a real look at it? Thanks!

 

[HotelCo]

Who -- ANY ONE OF YOU --amongst your PEERS can you even talk to about this stuff?

My partner at work.

If you can't find a sympathetic ear amongst your peers for issues that tear you apart, and you're taught to not bring it home and honestly share what you're experiencing as a human being with your intimate others, what happens?

You can always go see a therapist if something's bugging you that much.

Sorry, Gang; but "Don't Bring It Home" is a big part of why we are NOT a profession; too many people burn out before they can make the changes necessary to legitimize the work we do.

Can you please elaborate on why this makes us not a profession? I'm not following your train of thought.

 

[usafmedic45]

Maybe you didn't see my post:

post #10 on this thread. I'm interested in your response, especially in light of the fact you alluded to a change in the type of work you do lessening the pressures on your relationship. Would you please take a real look at it? Thanks!

Sorry....I was reading the post on my phone and must have overlooked it. I'll read over it when I get home in a little while.

 

[firetender]

Can you please elaborate on why this makes us not a profession? I'm not following your train of thought.

EMS is largely a transient profession populated by people who begin really wanting to make a difference and then learn that it's not about making a difference, it's about doing the job and getting away intact. For most, it's a stepping stone to another profession with more stability and less assaults, like Fire. It's part of the path and not a path in itself because it is painful work to keep doing.

The immense turnover in the profession IMHO, is largely the result of burnout. That turnover makes it difficult for enough traction to be gained to actually legitimize EMS as a profession; too many people leave before the job really gets done.

Professional shrinks DO NOT understand. You're lucky to have a partner who does! Sharing parts of your life -- the parts that challenge you -- with someone important to you is what BUILDS relationships. We are taught it is a deterrent.

What do you think?

 

[firetender]

Specifically my relationship with my bf.
Any suggestions on how you all handle it?

For some reason, I missed that you were of the feminine gender, and that changes everything! Odds are, you really DO embrace that you are now in a Man's World and must, at least, be their emotional equal. That's usually what it takes and you're too new to the field to see beyond that. Personally, I'm sorry you have to downgrade so much to be one of the boys!

That's a shame because you're wired a little differently than us. You are wired to nurture and protect life while men are oriented to battle death.

HUGE DIFFERENCE and that is about genetics.

If there are other Gals in your service, start cultivating relationships with them. You know how to pick out who might be open. You know how to start girl-talk and then alert them to the fact something is up that's bugging you. Once you get their attention and make them not feel like they have to fall back on bravado, like the guys, you'll have your outlet...

But my point is, you (all of you) really have to work just a bit harder to get the safe space necessary to really be honest about your experience as a human being.

I think you can do it.

 

[usafmedic45]

Their lives are on the line, and when they have to, they kill people.

Been there, done that. Have you? I see little difference.

Everyone other than themselves and peers (though not even that is assured!) is subject to suspicion.

Once again...little difference. I suspect everyone until proven otherwise. From the time I was 16, I have always approached everyone I met professionally in that manner. Nowadays, it's more "Be polite, be professional and have a plan to neutralize every person you meet should they become a threat".

Trust is NOT a part of what they are trained to work with.

It's not any different than teaching EMS personnel to not assume the scene is "safe", except that the use of force is an acceptable option to the military and LEOs.

Silence is more than a protective mechanism; it is their very survival.

There's a vast difference between being quiet so you don't draw fire and "silence" in the sense of "You can't talk about this crap".

With luck, we can take away a little, but human beings are absorptive mechanisms; we can't help but take on a little of that suffering.

Yeah, some of us actually learn to not let it affect us.

you alluded to a change in the type of work you do lessening the pressures on your relationship

You'd be amazed how much a change in shifts will have that effect. That was the major difference. I'm working more hours at my new job, but I'm on the same schedule as my fiancee. Don't read more into this than is really there.

Compassion, and the internal changes we go through to attain it are integral parts of the job we do.

Delivering compassionate care and having "internal changes" because of it are two separate things. I can absolutely not care less about a patient and they still think I'm a great provider. Welcome to where having some acting ability comes in handy in the clinical setting.

we can't help but take on a little of that suffering.

Not wrong, but not right for everyone. If you look at it as a job and not a lifestyle, "calling" or "mission from God", then you find it much easier to walk away and not get involved emotionally with your patients.

Pluck ONE string on guitar "A" and what happens? That VERY SAME STRING on the other guitar will vibrate. Remember all that Quaantum stuff! We are VIBRATION subject to picking up vibrations from similar entities.

So is what you're smoking just straight pot or is it laced with something else? Because seriously....this hippy dippy "we're all tied together and can pick up on others chakras" crap should have died out long ago.

but you're not shown a place to go to for relief. Who -- ANY ONE OF YOU --amongst your PEERS can you even talk to about this stuff?

Maybe we're not all having a big soak in the volcanic hot spring with naked chicks with unshaven armpits or doing peyote and "sweating out" our problems in an Indian sweat lodge, but I've never had a shortage of my peers to talk to about what we've experienced. More often than not, I'm the one on the receiving end because I was the least bothered by cases. After people would vent it usually was followed with a "Hey man....thanks for that. If you need to vent, you can talk to me."

You're flying without a net

I never felt like that. Have never heard anyone else who was cut out for the field (meaning that they didn't come in with completely outlandish expectations) say that either. It sounds like you just have a set of beliefs to defend and if we don't go all peace, love and Mother Earth with our brother and sister providers, we're all screwed. I'm not buying it.

Everything you go through in the field, which includes relentless assaults on every aspect of your being, including physical, emotional, moral, philisophic, psychic and spiritual aspects of LIFE is supposed to be left there, but you're kidding if you think it is. Those experiences resonate throughout your life;

Everyone is different. Just because you had to adopt this weird set of beliefs to cope, doesn't mean that anyone else has to either.

just ask the old-timers (if they'll talk to you!).

Nice....let's create a false dichotomy in the kid's head. So when do you break out the Kool-aid?

If you can't find a sympathetic ear amongst your peers for issues that tear you apart, and you're taught to not bring it home and honestly share what you're experiencing as a human being with your intimate others, what happens?

Like I said...everyone experiences it differently. Stop assuming that people won't be able to share with their peers. I've seen Marines cry, console and let their feelings out as readily as you're advocating after tough calls. I'm pretty sure if people who are brainwashed into thinking they are the most badass killing machines on the planet, then it's not going to be a hard time for a bunch of comparatively candy *** EMS providers to do the same thing.

YOU change, get hard and your relationships take on the suffering.

...and this is different from the stress in almost every other aspect of life? Sorry to play the Darwinist card, but if you don't get tough, you get eaten.

Sorry, Gang; but "Don't Bring It Home" is a big part of why we are NOT a profession; too many people burn out before they can make the changes necessary to legitimize the work we do.

Welcome to natural selection applied to a medical profession. We just tend to weed out our people after they are in the field, instead of during the training/selection process like the military and every other profession. THAT is what separates us from other professions.

Please, show me I'm wrong!

Done.

You can always go see a therapist if something's bugging you that much.

Bingo. Although, I would prefer a psychiatrist....someone with prescribing authority and a basic education in medical science.

Professional shrinks DO NOT understand.

As opposed to some "healing arts" guru? I've been to a lot of therapists (probably over 10 or 15) and I have never encountered one who has not been able to empathize. Then again, I don't expect them to understand, but just having someone who is non-judgmental and willing to let me vent is what I am looking for.

You're lucky to have a partner who does!

Then I'm the luckiest guy alive (besides the fact that I have the most awesome fiancee ever) because out of the probably 100+ people I've been partnered with over the years, I can count two that were unwilling to listen.

Sharing parts of your life -- the parts that challenge you -- with someone important to you is what BUILDS relationships.

Fianlly something that we agree on.

We are taught it is a deterrent.

Then you either had some :censored::censored::censored::censored:ty teachers or you misunderstood the message.

What do you think?

I don't think you really want to hear that.

 

[abckidsmom]

I don't know guys, I've got a totally different read on this.

It's a vague question, for sure, but work/home imbalance, in my experience, looks a lot more like work addiction and less like burnout, or trouble dealing with the issues, or whatever.

To the OP, I say, if you are constantly thinking about work when you're not there, you really need to stop. This adrenaline junkie thing will have you in the cardiologist's office by 34. I would find something that takes up more of my brain in my down time, something that leaves me tired and DONE a the end of the days.

And, since I really believe that marriage is forever, and dating is husband shopping, if this guy is having problems with your career, and you plan on having the career for a lifetime (or at least most of one), then maybe this guy is not The One.