Social Quandaries

[LiveForTheTones]

Since I've joined the EMS profession, I've been working more and more. I've been taking on a lot of OT shifts because I'm trying to save for paramedic school, but that's been killing my social life.
When I'm with my "regular" friends, they go on and on about their jobs, and their kids, and their cars. I'm extremely passionate about what I do for a living. At first, I was all for talking about it. But I found that apparently, speaking about how being vomited on kind of put a damper on your day, is not as socially acceptable as talking about your baby vomiting on you.
So my friends have shied away from me. Even after I tried to put a lid on my EMS talk. I would catch myself opening my mouth to say something, and shut it again because I think, "These people don't want to hear that. They're eating."
I try to hang out with my EMS buddies, but a lot of us work at different stations and have opposite schedules. So if we DO get to hang outside of shift, it's once a month. If that.

But here's the rub: not only do I feel a little isolated and lonely friend-wise, but those same "regular" friends that shy away from me have started calling me. Not to say "hey" or set up a lunch date. But they call me out of the blue and say something like, "Since you work in the medical field..." and proceed to ask me a medical question. I tell them over and over that I'm not a doctor, just an EMT. Basically they're treating me like a TeleDoc or whatever those phone services are called.
Now, when I get these calls and I hear them begin to ask a medical question, I immediately say, "Go to the hospital." And hang up. Which apparently makes me a certified jerk.
Am I overreacting by getting annoyed by this behavior?
Usually, I'm as nice and helpful as can be. But there are some situations where I feel like even answering their questions puts my license at risk. So I don't answer them. Which also makes me a jerk.
Not sure if I'm in the wrong, or if I should explain to them why I can't/don't want to help them, or if I care enough to even try to explain.

Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do?


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[DrParasite]

1) Paramedic school will kill your social life, especially if you are doing it while working full time. I know several people whose relationships did not survive one party going to paramedic school

2) working in EMS, with the weekends and night shifts, will kill your social life. People (and family) have a hard time accepting it when they say "hey, lets get together" and you say "can't, have to work." so they stop calling you. Shift work in general (not just in EMS) wrecks havok on relationships.

3) you need to have a work / life balance. and you need to have friends outside of EMS. and interests outside of EMS. We have all been new, and super gung ho about EMS. But you need to make EMS part of your life, not your entire life.

4) telling people to go to the hospital when they need medical advice and then hanging up is a little rude. you might want to have them follow up with their PCP. But it's equally rude to just call you for medical advice.

The biggest suggestion I can give you is to not talk about work with your friends. and schedule time with your friends in advance, put it in the calendar and don't pick up OT when you have plans.

When I used to work shift work, I would pick up every OT shift I could during the week; but don't call me for a weekend shift, because that time was reserved for me, and for my friends.

If your current friends have issues with your schedule, than maybe it's time to expand your social circle.

And quit smoking, it's bad for you and an expensive habit to maintain

 

[LiveForTheTones]

1) Paramedic school will kill your social life, especially if you are doing it while working full time. I know several people whose relationships did not survive one party going to paramedic school

2) working in EMS, with the weekends and night shifts, will kill your social life. People (and family) have a hard time accepting it when they say "hey, lets get together" and you say "can't, have to work." so they stop calling you. Shift work in general (not just in EMS) wrecks havok on relationships.

3) you need to have a work / life balance. and you need to have friends outside of EMS. and interests outside of EMS. We have all been new, and super gung ho about EMS. But you need to make EMS part of your life, not your entire life.

4) telling people to go to the hospital when they need medical advice and then hanging up is a little rude. you might want to have them follow up with their PCP. But it's equally rude to just call you for medical advice.

The biggest suggestion I can give you is to not talk about work with your friends. and schedule time with your friends in advance, put it in the calendar and don't pick up OT when you have plans.

When I used to work shift work, I would pick up every OT shift I could during the week; but don't call me for a weekend shift, because that time was reserved for me, and for my friends.

If your current friends have issues with your schedule, than maybe it's time to expand your social circle.

And quit smoking, it's bad for you and an expensive habit to maintain

I should have mentioned that the vast majority of my friends don't have health insurance, which is why they don't have PCPs and why I tell them to go to the hospital.

But I hear you. And will rethink my circle of friends. So far, I have stopped going to mutual hangouts and deactivated my Facebook to gain distance and perspective.


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[VentMonkey]

You need to have a work / life balance. and you need to have friends outside of EMS. and interests outside of EMS. We have all been new, and super gung ho about EMS. But you need to make EMS part of your life, not your entire life.

I will quote what I emphatically agree with DrP the most about here.

When I first started doing this job I was a 22 year old kid with a then 20 year old girlfriend who would later become my lovely wife.

What I'll offer is my spin. Friends, I don't think I have ever categorized "EMS" vs. "regular" friends. I base friendships upon merit, mutual respect, and things in common be it work-related, or other. Those that have stuck it out, and through the trenches of friendship are still just that: friends. It has almost nothing to do with the job. Did we meet at work, and as partners? You bet, but you know what we saw in each other? Humanity, not titles.

It honestly sounds like you are burning the candle at both ends, be careful. You have a lifetime to get your paramedic. It isn't all that impossible, though I can relate to gobs of OT to pay for life in general; we all can regardless of the field we're in. This again goes back to the whole not letting your work define you.

I have said this before, but what's a bit of redundancy? When I bite the dust I could care less if my headstone reads: "here lies VentMonkey world's super dopest paramedic". I only hope it makes reference to my skills as a father, a husband, and overall halfway decent human being, period.

As far as the advice thing to friends and family goes, I typically start and end any advice with something along the lines of "first I am NOT a doctor.", then again, "...again, I'm no doctor." Basically, I give them MY honest advice as a trained medical person with limited medical insight, especially if it's something way above my head. Point being, I try and never not have time for true loved ones.

Also, go easy on yourself. You can only do what you can do. There's a difference between stringent and regimented, and unforgiving.

 

[mgr22]

To the OP, maybe just go with the flow -- e.g., don't talk about your job to people who aren't interested, but answer questions you can answer when you're asked for advice. That sort of applies to anyone in any profession -- don't you think?

 

[LiveForTheTones]

I spoke about this same issue with my mother recently. Because let's be real: my mom is my absolute best friend. I tell her everything, and know that she'll love me regardless.

She told me recently that I need to work on being "vocal". And my response was "why?" I was raised to be honest and ask questions when I don't understand.
When my "friends" won't call me back to hang out, but they call me for medical advice when they get a hangnail...after the fourth or fifth time, am I not allowed to tell them, "Hey. This is messed up. You only call me when you need medical help." And when it persists, I eventually tell them to call someone else (a primary, go to the hospital, etc).

I distinguish between my two sets of friends because I have work friends, and I have friends that have nothing to do with EMS. Some understand, and some don't. My EMS friends seem to understand that my hunger toward this field is voracious. I want to learn and I want to learn all I can. Nothing is ever too much.
I'm still a rookie, yes. Two years in. But my questions never stop. I have other interests, but my obsession is EMS. And my attitude is: "If I can have you school me in Pokémon/Dr. Who for an hour, you can listen to my EMS talk for five minutes."

And I don't feel that's unfair at all. But maybe I'm being unrealistic.


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[VentMonkey]

Maybe more naive than unrealistic.

You seem to understand the importance of family over friends, which is good, but the old adage "friends are a dime a dozen" has proven to be time, and time again the truest in my lifetime. My family takes precedence over all.

Again, as far as friends I'll stick by my earlier posts reference re: "friends".

EMS being your life is again, naive, but nothing any of us haven't been guilty of in the beginning. Find a life outside of work, period.

You having a passion, and "voracious" appetite for digesting all things that pertain to your craft is not a bad thing, it indicates an inclination for mastery; definitely not a bad thing (I, as well as many on this forum possess this same appetite). However, as a new(ish) provider you need to be able to separate your work life and passions from real-life, i.e., the world outside of your work place.

Living an insular EMS-driven life is not healthy. Find your balance, don't let this job define who you are as a person. I see it all too often, and this is the person no one wants anything to do with. It is the pinnacle of a lonely, desolate existence. For lack of a better way of wording it:

Get a life...outside of EMS. Good luck.

 

[Qulevrius]

those same "regular" friends that shy away from me have started calling me. Not to say "hey" or set up a lunch date. But they call me out of the blue and say something like, "Since you work in the medical field..." and proceed to ask me a medical question.

If that's the only reason they're calling you, then they're just trying to use you for their own benefit. Some 'friends'.

For what it's worth, apart from my family, my significant other is my only true friend. It means that we can talk just about anything, without a fear of misunderstanding or misinterpretation. Obviously, her being a medical professional helps as well, but the decisive factor is that, over the course of time, we learned to trust each other unconditionally. Long story short - when it comes to social life, you don't necessarily need a cohort of friends to hang out or talk with. You only need one.

 

[mgr22]

And my attitude is: "If I can have you school me in Pokémon/Dr. Who for an hour, you can listen to my EMS talk for five minutes."

And I don't feel that's unfair at all. But maybe I'm being unrealistic.

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Yes, I think you're being unrealistic. Not unreasonable, just unrealistic.

You can't control what people want or need. You can control how you respond to them. If you don't like what they're laying on you, you can back away. Establishing a bargain that's legitimate only in your mind probably won't make you any happier.

If you want to help people with their medical problems, and you can do so without going to jail, great. I'm not understanding why that should depend on what they do for you. Any intersection between the people who need medical advice and the ones who want to listen to you talk about your job is coincidental, in my opinion. Doing the right thing for its own sake can be liberating and refreshing.

 

[VentMonkey]

Doing the right thing for its own sake can be liberating and refreshing.

100% agreed. I think more often than not we, as a society (socially), have become so focused on accolades and the like.

We've seem to have gone off track somewhere and will pursue goals for attention and physical awards, completely discarding the definition of self-gratification.

...random sort-of-on-topic-rant.

 

[Seirende]

My standard reply when people ask me for medical advice is, "Drink more water."

I've been in that place where I've been uninsured and needing medical care, so I've become pretty familiar with the non-profit/low cost care in the area and I refer friends to those if they need care. Other than that, I always just say that it could be something very minor, it could be something very serious, and I can't say which it is. I'll sometimes lend out my caregiver (non-medical) skills if someone is in an acutely overwhelming situation.

In terms of overall friendship, I'm pretty picky with who I call a friend, although I try be generally friendly to most people and have many acquaintances. I love to go on and on about work to my friends, but I save talking about the hard parts of the job for a select few very close friends or friends who understand the shorthand of, "I had a bad call yesterday," and don't need me to go into details. If I need to debrief in-depth, I go to a counselor.

In short, my social life is filled with acquaintances and a handful of friends. Only friends hear the long stories, only very close friends hear about my bad days, and only mental health professionals hear the details of bad days. Don't feel bad about being choosy in what you talk about with whom and never let yourself be pressured into going outside what you're comfortable with in talking about either the job or medicine. That said, do find people who you can talk about the bad stuff with.

 

[Dennhop]

My wife hears the goofy stories, the good ones and the bad ones...other than that mostly just tell the stories to coworkers when at work. Outside of work, I prefer to talk about other stuff...my hobbies, etc. I don't live breathe and sleep EMS. I do mostly enjoy what I'm doing (except the occasional pangs of jealousy when I get to watch PD body slam and cuff a belligerent individual while we're on scene) but it's a job. If you can't find a way to separate your job from your personal life, then you need to seriously sit down and figure it out. This goes for any job...even in the Marines, I still found a way to separate my personal life from my professional life to an extent, as "A Marine 24/7" holds truer than most other professions...