Grieving a co worker........

[jazminestar]

as many of you know, there was an emt killed here in san diego, we worked together, he wasn't my partner but i knew him and my old partner and her best friend were really good friends with him......yesterday was the memorial, it was an all out 'killed in the line of duty' procession....over 100 ems/fire vehicles from agencies all over the county.......it was amazing and so touching......

but i cannot get esteban out my head, or his partner, i just keep thinking what if that was my partner on the road that got hit? or what if i was part of the hospital staff (i work in the er too) that was trying to bring him back......it's like we do this all day long with the community but when it's one of us, it hurts so bad i just feel really overwhelmed with grief over the loss of my co worker and even though we weren't close, it still hurts my heart and makes it heavy.......it makes me love my job even more, and makes me want to be out in the field and appreciate life......but when i'm driving and and i think of him and the stupid people that don't slow down for us, when we have lights on, especially on scene, it makes me angy and it makes me cry.......

sorry for the long post, i kind of just needed to vent and let it out, can't really talk to all the peeps at work, cuz they are going through the same thing.......so if there's anyone who has been through this, which i'm sure there has, please tell me is there anything to help with this process or do i just need to let it do it's thing? i'm very familiar with the grieving process, i've lost both my parents and friends and i've lost two babies......

ugh, death sucks.

thanks everyone in advance for your suggestions.

 

[lightsandsirens5]

First, I am so sorry for y'all loss. Thoughts and prayers are with his family, friends and SD EMS from all over the country.

Second, several months ago our community lost one of our fire department EMTs. His death was not in the line of duty, but it still hit the fire department pretty hard. He was the nicest guy and was always smiling. It took me a little while to get over everything, but what seemed to help me the most was helping to comfort others, especially his partner.

I don't think the feeling of loss will ever go away for either you or I, but remember what that person would have wanted you to do. I know Dean would not have wanted me to spend the rest of my life in mourning for him. He would want me to remember the good times we had together.

Maybe your service can make Esteban a big point in a campaign to educate the general public on how to help keep all of the emergency personnel safe when on scene on MVAs. Write letters to the state, the county, the city, etc. I know there is alot out there about this, but before I got into fire and EMS, I had no idea of what it is like to work so close to moving traffic. I used to slow down and all, but now I move to the farthest lane away as possible.

Just remember him as he was and when you get angry at people, transfer that anger energy to work better, be vigilant, help others grieve, and if you decide to, make scenes safer, etc.

Again, my and thousands of other peoples thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[firetender]

Death as an Ally

In the line of duty, off-shift, tragic accident, self-inflicted, sheer stupidity, wrong place at the wrong time, across the country or right next door, it all hardly matters because the pain is about witnessing your reflection being whisked off the planet.

The deep pain is that here was someone whose skin you actually are in. We bond with each other because we have a glimpse into each others' souls. We know the work and what it takes to be inside it; better than anyone else.

Just know this IS personal and you're entitled to feel the pain because in the process you will better learn what you're doing and why you're doing it. The death of someone close to you is always a gateway because the door opens a little and you get a glimpse of your own death as well. And then, there you are, stuck here alive and having to sort it out! Those conflicts are over for your peer.

The harder you work to suppress your grieving now, the more difficult it will be for you in the future to be truly present with your life. If you're not comfortable doing it in person, then do it here. People can relate, and YES you'll get some "Tough it out"s but, yes, at times that's part of the process as well.

Bottom line, thank you for sharing this with us. Things like this do shine a powerful searchlight on our worst fears. But then again, isn't that what we're doing; turning the worst fears of other human beings into something manageable? The only way to do that is face your own, because they are everyone's.

 

[jazminestar]

thank you so much for all your kind words....i think the point is well driven home, that the one 'we' lost, is one that i live in his shoes every time i'm on the rig and it could be or my partner at any time, it's just scary to see that and have it be a huge realiztion......because when we are out in the field, we are the ones helping, not usually the ones needing help.....thank you again for your kind words

 

[jazminestar]

thank you so much for all your kind words....i think the point is well driven home, that the one 'we' lost, is one that i live in his shoes every time i'm on the rig and it could be me or my partner at any time, it's just scary to see that and have it be a huge realiztion......because when we are out in the field, we are the ones helping, not usually the ones needing help.....thank you again for your kind words

 

[mycrofft]

Pay it back/on.

See what can be done for thier family and the other people who were directly impacted by their death. Funds created for fallen deputies here have outlived the families' need and now help the families of those who have these sorrows later. Immediate support can be invaluable.

A note about survivor guilt and grief: someone we hardly know, yet were affiliated with, dies. Understandably, the initial subconscious response is "Who?". The instantly-following subconscious and again understandable reaction is to feel badly that we weren't closer, or could not help them, since we identify with them as our service comrades if not our actual personal friends or aquaintences.

We need to remember and cherish the fraternity/sorority of the service, then step up and "pay it on". We then feel better and are empowered, not casting about at a loss for what to feel.