Grasping for straws

J

jammath12345

Forum Ride Along
Messages
1
Reaction score
0
Points
1
I grew up poor, dad bounced before I was born, mom was a heroin junkie, and I ended up being raised by my pensioner grandma. My mom off'd herself in my teens, and my grandma died shortly there after. Despite that merry set of life circumstances, I figured what the heck life is a splendid magical journey!!! There is lots of evil in the world but surely I will not partake in it! So off I went to putting myself through school to eventually work on an ALS ambulance.... Trying to leave the world in a less ****ty place than I entered it and all that jazz....

well nearly a decade working in a busy metropolitan service... As any sane rational person would in the face of self inflicted, people inflicted, and cosmic inflicted atrocities would do... I developed a significant drinking problem, and multiple attempts to seek therapeutic assistance gone awry... I decided the healthiest option was to quit. So here I am a year later, a borderline / full blown alcoholic.... With zero family, a completely numbed PTSD'd out perspective on life, a gleefully morose archive of deeply psychological and emotionally disturbing memories, a complete disinterest in engaging with the world..... and no definitive plan of action on where to go from here... well yeah, I'm literally grasping for straws as to why offing myself wouldn't be the final altruistic **** you to life lol.

I've essentially hermited hard, engaging with people is difficult, I really don't see a relevant place for myself in this world.... I don't relate to much of what goes on, and the stuff I do relate to is additionally depressing (the economy, politics, war)..... I went to a doctor, and all she did was push happy pills... I saw a therapist, and all he could focus on was my drinking, when I was reaching out for a reason not to drink....

/ramble off.... It's been almost 2 years now I have thought about offing myself daily, don't worry about alerting the authorities... I'm not going to kill myself asap or anything, just venting.... the straws are piling up and the camel's knees are gettin shakey, the world is an awfully silly place, just having a difficult time in finding my awfully silly place in the world.
 
If you didn't like your therapist you need a new one. However it is impossible to help you with your deep rooted issues while you are drinking. You need to be sober first. I would strongly consider I patient psychiatric stay or detox, or an intense outpatient day program. sounds like you have a mood disorder along with EtOH abuse disorder.

If you need a reason not to drink then find one. No one can do the tough work for you. Try AA, reach out to a sponser. If you are contemplating suicide maybe you should reconsider taking medicine (medication is first line treatment for depression/bipolar/ptsd you know).

Good luck.
 
I realize this may not help very much, but for what it's worth, you are absolutely not alone. Check out the Code Green Campaign.
 
Best of luck man. Continue venting here if it helps, but I hope you can find someone effective in person to help get you through this.
 
Hey @jammath12345 , thanks for reaching out. That's the first step.... talking about it.

There a few resources that are dedicated to emergency professionals. The Code Green Campaign was mentioned as one. They have a resource page that you should check out: http://codegreencampaign.org/resources/

From there, you might also want to check out Safe Call Now: 1-206-459-3020
Also check out: Suicide.org Hotlines (by state)

Even if you don't feel that you are at that point, maybe they can recommend some options or steps that you haven't thought about.
 
Remember: "your best day dead is worse than your worst day alive" or something close to that.
It has helped me a time or 2
 
Jammath you know you have shared a lot. There are several good ideas listed here. I have empathy for your situation. It reminds me of some things I have had to deal with in my past.

It is obvious that you have a problem. You've said as much. You also have said you are suicidal and so clinically depressed. Drinking won't help that.

When I had gotten to a point in my life that I figured suicide was my answer I realized there was more to my life.

It isn't by choice that we have the set of circumstances placed before us. Each of us has a journey to walk.

I was overcome with resentment about my situation due to a health issue that left me unable to lift my arms and move my legs. It took me out of EMS as I had to learn how to walk again. All from some damn virus.

I about lost everything I owned. The day I was going to end it. I was worried about the bills. I figured I was dead anyway. I didn't want to be that bed ridden patient for my wife to turn every hour. But the bills had me worried we would lose the house.

The next thing I knew the mail came. In the mail was a check for $1000.00 this from a doctor that I knew, but not that well. I certainly didn't expect it.

Right then I realized that God was still looking out for me.

It then was up to me to make a change because the doctors couldn't. Heck their solution was to give me a handicap parking placard. Let me slowly die and Dope me up on every drug they had.

Anyway I got rides to the local swimming pool. Got help into the pool and worked my butt off trying to walk. 8 months later I was applying for a prn medic job again. Sure I have problems but I work full time Ems as well as do alot of other things like carpentry and hunting/fishing.

The whole moral is this. You aren't as alone like you feel. Second you gotta pick yourself up and fight for what you want out of life. No one else can do that but you.

Good luck, use the advice to change your situation
 
Grasping for straws. That's how I feel right now. Trying not to grasp for "something else ".
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top