I'm just not enough

[Anjel]

Do you ever just feel...not good enough?

Not a good enough person...caregiver....EMT....Paramedic...Student?

No matter how good my patient care is...did it really make a difference?

No matter how hard I try in school, work, my personal life. It's not enough.

My friends are mad. That this has taken over my life. I go to birthdays and important events. But that isn't enough.

Taking the same pt over and over again to doctors appointments and dialysis just to prolong life for just a little bit longer. Are they just living enough to satisfy the wants and needs of their loved ones?

Maybe it was just a bad day. Maybe I need to work a little be longer and let my heart be hardened. So at the end of the day this all doesn't bother me.

But after today. I feel like I have had enough.

 

[NomadicMedic]

Therapy. Friends. Maybe an SSRI. Don't let depression get you. It did me and I'm still digging out of that hole.

Be the best you can, do the best you can and on sunny days, turn your face toward the warmth and enjoy all you've been given in your life.

That's how I get through the "I'm not good enough" days..,

 

[Shishkabob]

I had a legit save the other day.



I'm set for ATLEAST the next 3.5 days.

 

[fast65]

I think it's safe to say that most people have been there, it's a terrible feeling to have, but I believe it's just an inevitable part of life that eventually we'll get the feeling that we could be better, or we could have done something more, whether that be in patient care or in our own lives.

I've had more than my fair share of days like that, and I know what it's like to feel overwhelmed with sorrow, perhaps some self-hatred, the key is that you can't let depression get to you, because once you give in, it's a long road back to the top. Like n7lxi said, sometimes you just need to take a moment to relish in all that life's given you, because in the grand scheme of things, it could be a lot worse.

 

[usafmedic45]

Remember, any day you can walk, crawl or be dragged alive and functional from is a good one. Whether the patient survives or not is a secondary consideration. If they do, all the better. If not, learn something from it and move on.

 

[cherpy66]

ems

yeah man this job can get you to a low in life. but think about how u really are helping these people, because even you and i do little things to prolong life because theres really nothing we can do about it but try. the fact that u feel ur not good enough just means you care in my opinion. just remember that everything you do for a pt, no matter if it is lifesaving, or a transfer, its doing something positive in their life no matter how bad the situation.

 

[IAems]

Time to Soul Search

I do IFT's for a living and frankly get sick of hearing trauma junkies demean the work I do every day. Ask any seasoned 911 provider and hear that the most critical patients they've ever seen is in the IFT field (dialysis and doctors appointments) when you're all alone in the back of that ambulance. While young, green, and stupid, I transported a patient I shouldn't have (per Doctor's orders) way too far and they bled out. I had the pleasure of seeing the family cry because they couldn't say goodbye. I had a hard time. I hated this job and dreaded it every day, but for that patient and that family I could have made all the difference in the world. Now, after time, I wake up every day looking forward to work, to seeing that next patient and preparing and planning for the worst, just like you say your doing. A little heads up, the fact you question yourself is what MAKES you a good medic. This job should consume your life (to a healthy extent), because you are responsible for people's lives. If that's not for you, well than, that's that, but if it is, DON'T QUIT. There are precious too few who care.

 

[Euclidus]

I once read a quote on a thread on this site, I think by firetender, that changed the way I think about my role within EMS. He said, "we are participants in life's longing for itself." What an amazing process to be a part of! Sometimes the things we do have incredible outcomes for the patients we come into contact with. Sometimes (and I say this specifically for you, Anjel,) the greatest intervention we can provide is simply to hold a patient's hand and be there with them as they go through the scariest experience of their life. I've read your posts on here and you seem like someone with a very good head on your shoulders, someone who genuinely cares about being a good medic and a good person. There are not enough of you out there, so you can't give up

There are going to be bad days. Sometimes the best thing to do is to take a couple of days off if you can, and do something totally unrelated to your work. Talking to a counselor can be a really good option as well, because it gives you an outside perspective. When I have days like that, running far distances while listening to death metal seems to be the magical reset button. To me, the idea of being "enough" of something is the same thing as the idea of achieving "perfection"; it's a the mirage of a dangling carrot off in the distance that we can never quite reach because it doesn't exist. You already are enough. But nobody can convince you of that until you believe it yourself!

From the little that I have garnered about you based on your posts, you don't seem like the kind of person who would really be happy if you "hardened your heart." This is so cliche, but life has ups and downs, and we can't appreciate how great the ups are without the pain of the down times. Our task then becomes figuring out how to navigate our way through the down times without losing sight of what brought us to EMS in the first place.

 

[Anjel]

Thank you guys.

I am just an emotional wreck.

This is my 8th 12 hour shift in a row today starting in a few hours.

I am exhausted.

I want to make others happy. And put their happiness before my own. I always have. But I guess I need to find a balance.

Something happened yesterday and it just put me over the edge. I need to sleep. See my friends. And see my fiance.

I love my job. Maybe too much. I just gotta be able to be the best EMT but also try and be a better person I guess too.

 

[Sasha]

My friends are mad. That this has taken over my life. I go to birthdays and important events. But that isn't enough.

Listen babe, if your friends can't support you then they're not really friends. Chances are they're probably jealous that you're going out and doing what you want to do with your life. A real friend would understand that your success is more important than hanging out at the bar with them Friday night. There will be more friday nights, more bars.

Taking the same pt over and over again to doctors appointments and dialysis just to prolong life for just a little bit longer. Are they just living enough to satisfy the wants and needs of their loved ones?

Maybe, but that's their choice. Everyone makes choices, some selfish, some selfless. Don't feel bad because you're playing a part in helping them with their selfless choice. And just because they're on dialysis or go to the doctor doesn't mean they don't have a life worth living. Maybe not one you'd chose for yourself, but maybe they enjoy the time they have.

No matter how good my patient care is...did it really make a difference?

It always makes a difference, maybe not with the patient but maybe with their family/friends or you yourself.

It gets easier to care without getting eaten up as time goes by, but NEVER let yourself get hard. The moment you're hard you need to find something else to do.

 

[mycrofft]

Get good at something else as well.

Very good advices above, some I agree with 100% and some a little less or with a caveat.
Eight twelve-hour shifts? I keep telling people these erode many folks. You have to find a way to manage your off-duty time with as much rigor as your on-duty time. Get your sleep, lay off booze and eating cr@p food 'til you're full. Walk or get other exercise, even if it is mowing the lawn, manually washing the car, or something. Turn down extra shifts if you are tired or just do not want them.

Don't get hard, if that means being unnecessarily mean, but you will over time either develop a longer view and stop trying to make patients like you, or you will move to something like dispatch or PR, either of which is OK because you will be knowledgable about the real deal. Many of us describe a realization they "turn their emotions off" when they go to help or serve someone who's case or behavior trouble us, with maturity and experience you can gain control over this. Ignore the macho, it's just for fun, or it's sick.

Get into real life. Be good at volunteering at the local animal shelter, or food bank, or community garden, or whatever; consider if you need something not serving people directly (or maybe serving the people who are serving others?). Be selfish, pick something you like, and if it doesn't pan out, try something else.

And get help, even if it is just someone you can vent to.

 

[usafmedic45]

Anjel, I can't speak for anyone else, but if you need a person to vent to in private, you know how to use the PM function. Take care.

 

[nwhitney]

I want to make others happy. And put their happiness before my own. I always have. But I guess I need to find a balance.

Do remember in Basic when they drill into your head "BSI Scene safe"? We can't help a sick or injured person if we don't take time to ensure the scene is safe and we end up getting hurt. Same thing about making others happy. You can't do that until you first make yourself happy. Personally I don't believe you can make someone else happy. We are all responsible for our own happiness. I'm sure this will sound all hippy but I believe it; you have to love yourself before you can truly love another. So take care of your self physically & emotionally first.

I hope I will be the type of caring medic you are.

 

[medicstudent101]

I had a legit save the other day.



I'm set for ATLEAST the next 3.5 days.

Hahahaha. Winning.

 

[Sandog]

This song is for you... I am thinking ya just need a nice song, music cures the soul.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH476CxJxfg&feature=fvsr

 

[Anjel]

This song is for you... I am thinking ya just need a nice song, music cures the soul.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH476CxJxfg&feature=fvsr

Haha thank you!

Thank you all.

It really was a bad day. I got home at midnight last night and slept the next 12 hours.

I was pushed over the edge and had to crawl back up. I love my job. I love helping people and I love you all (for the most part ^_^ )

I really just need to seperate life and work and not let work be my life.

and nwhitney... I am a basic. But thank you. You have no idea how much that meant to me.

 

[lightsandsirens5]

Anjel, I can't speak for anyone else, but if you need a person to vent to in private, you know how to use the PM function. Take care.

Same here. Lots of people on here have helped me through tough times.

 

[firetender]

Pressure Cookers

Eight twelve-hour shifts in a row in EMS means there's only work and recovery without any re-charging. Every start-of-shift you're essentially defibrillating yourself, dragging butt to the rig and hanging in there until you can crash again.

Don't minimize the burden of all that. And naturally, I'd imagine you messed something up and that's what drove you to this screen. You may even wonder if someone got hurt because of you.

If you think about it, when someone gets injured or ill and an ambulance is called, the Great Roulette Wheel in the Sky starts turning. Some medic with some stuff going on ends up running the call. How their day or life is going will contribute to the level of care the patient gets. For the most part, we all function WNL, but there are those days...

You're really not perfect, Kiddo. No matter how hard you try -- and I suspect you hold yourself to high standards -- you really may NOT be enough, but you ARE there to intervene and do what you can.

A saying in Hawaii is, "If can, can; if no can, no can!" and that's the territory we're dealing with. The problem is, we pressure OURSELVES to can everything.

So bottom line, as the circumstances of your life beat you up, don't participate in the brawl. Keep reaching out as you are, take advantage of offers of PM's and allow time and connection to place these learning experiences into perspective.

Ultimately, it's how YOU frame the miserable circumstances of your life that determine how you allow it to affect your view of yourself. That affects your ability to function. The most difficult thing to master is the recognition that your CHOICES determine who you become.

I appreciate how you're giving people here the chance to share more than knowledge. My thanks go to you!

 

[Akulahawk]

Anjel: While I'm a little late to this party, nobody is as important in your life as you are. EVERYONE ELSE is secondary to that. Look to find the bright shiny happy spot every morning and work to keep yourself happy and content first. Let everything else flow from that. Also, learn to separate work from the rest of life. They are separate and should remain so. When I'm at work, I'm at work and that's the way it is. Someone else's emergency is not my emergency. I do the best I can, and if it's good enough, Great. If not, then the patient was too bad off for me to nudge them toward life. And I'm OK with that. When I'm off work, I'm definitely off work and that's the way it is. I leave work behind. I go have fun or do whatever I want to do that's enjoyable to me because that's how I recharge my batteries.

No, I don't turn my feelings off at work, and I'm definitely not hard. I accept things for what they are and move on. This job does have a strong influence on how people can view the world and life in general. Burnout is hard to avoid, but it can be managed, mitigated, and worked through if you can't avoid it.

There are TONS of us here willing to help and listen. If you need it, take us up on it.