DragonClaw
Emergency Medical Texan
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- 363
- 83
I don't know what it's been lately, but my stress has been through the roof.
I haven't done much, gotten out of bed much, it's been days since I've eaten or drank anything. I don't feel very hungry, but I'm feeling a little weak and fuzzy in my head.
Sleep like usual is horrible, usually me having to be exhausted in order to pass out for a couple hours.
I'm sure I look like dogsshit right now.
Every little thing has been weighing on me.
A-Z of stuff I can't seem to solve. Like my life before EMS was just a mirror of my future, but I get a uniform for a bit inbetween. Even if I don't deserve it.
Stress of not having enough work, time, money, fixes.
Needing to move again due to cost.
The relationship I've had for the past 8 months has been really rough and I can't seem to repair it or leave. It feels like abandoning your partner when I aught to have just taken care of my stuff better to be able to be stronger.
It's been a rollercoaster of life and I still doubt my ability to be a good medic if I get through school, much less a good EMT many times.
I feel like I've just got to dig deeper and look for a little more to go on, scrape the barrel. Squeeze by and barely live until something happens.
Family connections are strained.
I feel like I should know better than all of this, so It's really my doing. I'm an adult. I should be able to handle things.
I crane my neck to look for silver linings knowing if I got struck right by the lightning it wouldn't matter anymore, but do I care?
I'm supposed to care. Anyone I come in contact deserves a competent provider who can care for them. That's the responsibility. And I wonder how well I even do that. I can put on the uniform and it's like I'm able to step up for 24 hours at a time even if it feels like I'm being stabbed in my failures, regrets, the things I should have known, my weaknesses. They just shadow me and make me wonder if I'm just a liability. I ****ing dropped. Pt like my second week of Rideouts as a new basic.
I can't seem to move on from anything. I worry so much about the future. If I've got one here or anywhere.
I don't know what to do.
And tbh I feel like this doesn't belong here and neither do I. I don't feel mature or on par with most people on here.
I just don't know. Even if I got what I wanted, to be a 911 EMT, finish medic school and such, would that just be a curse on anyone who came in contact with me?
I feel like I just **** up anything I touch. And I can't learn to not touch.
I dunno. I'm sorry for clogging this place up so much when I really don't contribute like anything but googleable answers. I just don't know.
I haven't done much, gotten out of bed much, it's been days since I've eaten or drank anything. I don't feel very hungry, but I'm feeling a little weak and fuzzy in my head.
Sleep like usual is horrible, usually me having to be exhausted in order to pass out for a couple hours.
I'm sure I look like dogsshit right now.
Every little thing has been weighing on me.
A-Z of stuff I can't seem to solve. Like my life before EMS was just a mirror of my future, but I get a uniform for a bit inbetween. Even if I don't deserve it.
Stress of not having enough work, time, money, fixes.
Needing to move again due to cost.
The relationship I've had for the past 8 months has been really rough and I can't seem to repair it or leave. It feels like abandoning your partner when I aught to have just taken care of my stuff better to be able to be stronger.
It's been a rollercoaster of life and I still doubt my ability to be a good medic if I get through school, much less a good EMT many times.
I feel like I've just got to dig deeper and look for a little more to go on, scrape the barrel. Squeeze by and barely live until something happens.
Family connections are strained.
I feel like I should know better than all of this, so It's really my doing. I'm an adult. I should be able to handle things.
I crane my neck to look for silver linings knowing if I got struck right by the lightning it wouldn't matter anymore, but do I care?
I'm supposed to care. Anyone I come in contact deserves a competent provider who can care for them. That's the responsibility. And I wonder how well I even do that. I can put on the uniform and it's like I'm able to step up for 24 hours at a time even if it feels like I'm being stabbed in my failures, regrets, the things I should have known, my weaknesses. They just shadow me and make me wonder if I'm just a liability. I ****ing dropped. Pt like my second week of Rideouts as a new basic.
I can't seem to move on from anything. I worry so much about the future. If I've got one here or anywhere.
I don't know what to do.
And tbh I feel like this doesn't belong here and neither do I. I don't feel mature or on par with most people on here.
I just don't know. Even if I got what I wanted, to be a 911 EMT, finish medic school and such, would that just be a curse on anyone who came in contact with me?
I feel like I just **** up anything I touch. And I can't learn to not touch.
I dunno. I'm sorry for clogging this place up so much when I really don't contribute like anything but googleable answers. I just don't know.