J560
Forum Ride Along
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I wrote this the other day. I just need(ed) to vent. I'm not looking for pity or anything of the like... I just want to get out my feelings with a group "of my own", if that makes any sense. It's directed more toward the general public but I digress. That said, here it is...
These eyes have seen the worst of people.
Mangled bodies of close friends and strangers alike, charred corpses, decapitations, disembowelment and amputations.
I've seen the effects of blunt objects and shotguns after a spiteful rage. I have the images of brain matter and hair splattered on white walls after a husband came home early and killed his wife and her partner before turning the gun on himself.
I've carried a broken, beaten and bleeding 7 month old boy from the living room floor of a mobile home to my rig and fought back the tears and insurmountable rage while we worked his lifeless body at 90mph... all because his parents had beaten him one too many times.
I've seen the cold stare in my friends' eyes, as we attempted to cut them free from the crumpled remains of their car after a beautiful day at the lake, surrounded by family and friends. And I've gotten the phone call hours later, still on duty, saying "I'm sorry honey but they didn't make it".
I've responded for my friends and I've responded for their family. Intense pressure, hurt and fear doesn't even begin to describe how that makes me feel inside.
These eyes... they've seen so many things that I will never be able to forget. No matter how hard I fight or how much I cry... I will never forget. The sleepless nights are just the surface of an everlasting internal struggle between my heart, my mind and these memories.
My heart aches every time I hear the words "Code Blue" on my radio, whether it's my call to take or not. I die a little on the inside, each and every time... not only for the person in need of assistance or their family... but for my fellow EMTs and Medics that are going to have to intervene in the situation over the following minutes.
I've told children, parents and spouses alike, "We're doing everything we can", knowing full well it was a pointless affair and I was just lying to myself and to them... it's all just a facade.
I've tried my best to comfort people in their last moments, while they take their last breaths... looking me right in the eyes while I squeeze their hand. I will never be able to forget the feeling of desperation, loneliness and despair.
I've desperately worked codes on people that were obviously DOA... just so their family looking on could rest easy thinking that "we did everything we could to help".
These ears have heard the burning questions, "Am I going to die?" and "Is my wife OK?" one too many times... and these lips have lied time and time again, without thinking twice. It kills me.
"Yes, we're doing everything we can, just relax for me, ok?"
The gouges in the asphalt are still there... and the holes in my heart are too. The smell of fresh dirt, burnt rubber and airbags makes me want to cry almost immediately. The sound of an infant or child laughing makes me want to cry. The sound of agonal respirations ring out in my head nearly every night while I try sleep.
So what has all this taught me?
Life is too f*****g short. Hold your loved ones a little closer, hug them a little tighter and love them a little harder. They might not be breathing tomorrow... and it happens more often than you would ever care to think.
I'm entering my 10th year next month. I started as a Cadet at 15. I'm 25. I've spent the last 10 years of my life, while "growing up" and evolving, in a world of struggle, death and destruction... and I'm just not proud of it any more.
EMS has taught me how to love unconditionally and for that I'm thankful. It helped bring me out of my "socially awkward shell" because it threw me to the wolves... and I had to learn how to fight back very quickly. Sink or swim.
I started this young and I'm seriously considering retiring young.
My back is completely shot to hell and now I'm suffering from PTSD. A good night's sleep is nearly impossible... either thanks to the endless recursion of nightmares or the constant fire in my lower back and shoulder blades.
I'm tired.
So now, a few weeks ago...
I responded to two long term friends in a 10-50... I had known each of them for over 15 years. One was a very obvious DOA and the other was in critical condition... and then we pulled a beautiful 17 year old choir girl, still buckled into her overturned car, from a creek... all on the same shift.
Then a few days later, I witnessed the rage of a husband against his wife... yet again.
Then I worked a 19 year old male after he OD'ed on a bad batch of heroin.
Then had a DOA 16 year old girl.
Then another pediatric code.
And then two more 10-50's with a fatalities.
*All in the same month.*
I'm strong... but I'm tired. I'm driven but I'm weary.
This is my cry. Don't let it happen to you.
-560
These eyes have seen the worst of people.
Mangled bodies of close friends and strangers alike, charred corpses, decapitations, disembowelment and amputations.
I've seen the effects of blunt objects and shotguns after a spiteful rage. I have the images of brain matter and hair splattered on white walls after a husband came home early and killed his wife and her partner before turning the gun on himself.
I've carried a broken, beaten and bleeding 7 month old boy from the living room floor of a mobile home to my rig and fought back the tears and insurmountable rage while we worked his lifeless body at 90mph... all because his parents had beaten him one too many times.
I've seen the cold stare in my friends' eyes, as we attempted to cut them free from the crumpled remains of their car after a beautiful day at the lake, surrounded by family and friends. And I've gotten the phone call hours later, still on duty, saying "I'm sorry honey but they didn't make it".
I've responded for my friends and I've responded for their family. Intense pressure, hurt and fear doesn't even begin to describe how that makes me feel inside.
These eyes... they've seen so many things that I will never be able to forget. No matter how hard I fight or how much I cry... I will never forget. The sleepless nights are just the surface of an everlasting internal struggle between my heart, my mind and these memories.
My heart aches every time I hear the words "Code Blue" on my radio, whether it's my call to take or not. I die a little on the inside, each and every time... not only for the person in need of assistance or their family... but for my fellow EMTs and Medics that are going to have to intervene in the situation over the following minutes.
I've told children, parents and spouses alike, "We're doing everything we can", knowing full well it was a pointless affair and I was just lying to myself and to them... it's all just a facade.
I've tried my best to comfort people in their last moments, while they take their last breaths... looking me right in the eyes while I squeeze their hand. I will never be able to forget the feeling of desperation, loneliness and despair.
I've desperately worked codes on people that were obviously DOA... just so their family looking on could rest easy thinking that "we did everything we could to help".
These ears have heard the burning questions, "Am I going to die?" and "Is my wife OK?" one too many times... and these lips have lied time and time again, without thinking twice. It kills me.
"Yes, we're doing everything we can, just relax for me, ok?"
The gouges in the asphalt are still there... and the holes in my heart are too. The smell of fresh dirt, burnt rubber and airbags makes me want to cry almost immediately. The sound of an infant or child laughing makes me want to cry. The sound of agonal respirations ring out in my head nearly every night while I try sleep.
So what has all this taught me?
Life is too f*****g short. Hold your loved ones a little closer, hug them a little tighter and love them a little harder. They might not be breathing tomorrow... and it happens more often than you would ever care to think.
I'm entering my 10th year next month. I started as a Cadet at 15. I'm 25. I've spent the last 10 years of my life, while "growing up" and evolving, in a world of struggle, death and destruction... and I'm just not proud of it any more.
EMS has taught me how to love unconditionally and for that I'm thankful. It helped bring me out of my "socially awkward shell" because it threw me to the wolves... and I had to learn how to fight back very quickly. Sink or swim.
I started this young and I'm seriously considering retiring young.
My back is completely shot to hell and now I'm suffering from PTSD. A good night's sleep is nearly impossible... either thanks to the endless recursion of nightmares or the constant fire in my lower back and shoulder blades.
I'm tired.
So now, a few weeks ago...
I responded to two long term friends in a 10-50... I had known each of them for over 15 years. One was a very obvious DOA and the other was in critical condition... and then we pulled a beautiful 17 year old choir girl, still buckled into her overturned car, from a creek... all on the same shift.
Then a few days later, I witnessed the rage of a husband against his wife... yet again.
Then I worked a 19 year old male after he OD'ed on a bad batch of heroin.
Then had a DOA 16 year old girl.
Then another pediatric code.
And then two more 10-50's with a fatalities.
*All in the same month.*
I'm strong... but I'm tired. I'm driven but I'm weary.
This is my cry. Don't let it happen to you.
-560