Ever thought about leaving EMS because of a bad call?

[emtkelley]

I am wondering this because ever since my mom died last Friday, I am wondering if I can ever get in the back of an ambulance again. I am not working EMS right now but since this happened, I am afraid of lights and sirens.

What happened was my dad called 911 when he found my mom "out" as he put it. He then called me and I drove over to the house. Upon arriving, there were two squad cars and the ambulance. The medic was just shutting the back doors and going around to the drivers side. They went L&S and ran a full code but she couldn't be saved. When I went in to see mom, after they had removed the tubes, ect, I looked at the monitor and it still had her strip in it....flatline.

I am having a terrible time getting these images out of my head. Am I rushing this? Will this feeling pass some day? I was supposed to start Paramedic class yesterday but it was cancelled due to low enrollment. The college is going to try to do it again this spring. I am not a new EMT. I have been in EMS for 12 years. I have seen my share of bad calls and never once did I consider dumping EMS.

Am I going crazy? How can I move past this and become the EMT I once was, without the reminders?

 

[ffemt8978]

I'm truly sorry to hear about your mother.

To answer your question, I don't think you'll ever be able work in EMS without the reminders, nor should you. Our experiences make us what we are. It's how we incorporate our past experiences into our current lives that make us a better person and a better EMT.

Unfortunately, as to whether or not you'll ever be able to return to EMS, that is a question that only you can decide. My suggestion would be to take some time and think about it. Our input can help, but ultimately you must do what you feel is right for you and your family.

 

[Ridryder911]

First, as all the others members would like to send their condolences and thoughts on the passing of a loved one. It is overwhelming moment for us that are used to be the one providing the care and being able to disassociate ourselves from such an event.

I think you maybe a little hard on yourself, for right now. You are going through a grieving process and you need to allow yourself some time to be a human, since this was a loss of a parent.

I do understand, your feelings. I too have lost both of my parents. It does not make it any easier that we are in the health care profession.

If possible, I suggest that you might talk to someone that you trust such as a counselor or maybe even a hospital chaplain, since they have probably dealt with this issue before, if you continue to still have those feelings. You have a lot invested in your career, and a lot to offer to the profession and patients.

I wish you the best of luck, and let us know how things work out.

R/r 911

 

[Airwaygoddess]

Kelly, all I can say is that time will help heal those memories of your mom, there is no time limit, and maybe it is a blessing that your medic classes are not a go in this point in time. I think it is wise to go and speak with a counselor, sometimes it is best to have a "neutral set of ears" to talk to. My thoughts and prayers are with you now. ~*~*~* Anna -_-

 

[firetender]

It’s a very strange life, Kelley, and even more so for we who live on its edge.

We know life so much more intimately than most. That’s because we’ve chosen to ally with it in its struggle against death. Most everyone else runs, given half a chance. That makes us very special people. We make it possible for them to do the running!

There’s tremendous consolation when we know that we’ve built the internal strength and the external skills to not only deal with what we see, but to turn life-threatening circumstances on their heads.

In fact, after a while we may even convince ourselves that we really have become Pros! We really can be subject to the most harrowing of human experiences and get through them. We’ve trained ourselves to function above all else! We can “set aside” any human emotions that could prevent us from fulfilling our roles. What wonderful skills!

But, you know what? We are not immune from the experiences our bodies have. What happened with your Mom was the one that got right in so fast, and so deep, you didn’t have the time to filter it through your professional standards. The contrast is now so huge as to be unavoidable.

Even after 12 years in the field, you got caught off guard. Of course you did, and if you lost your Mom under those circumstances and it didn’t throw you for a loop in your work, I’d be worried about you.

Loss became very real for you that day. You won’t be able to be part of anyone else’s loss like that without it reflecting your own experience. It might not seem so in this moment, but I predict you will find that this will be the source of much strength for you! It’s all about learning the power of connection.

For someone else it could have been losing a child of his own daughters’ age on a call. For me, my “hit the wall” experiences revolved around abused developmentally challenged people, since I’ve got history of that in my family. Each and every one of us is walking around with a custom-designed “hot-button” that, if we stay long enough in the field, WILL get tripped!

The danger is in the denial of our experience. The challenge is to turn it, too, into a tool to use for the health and well-being of others. The denial makes you a Flesh Mechanic. The alchemy makes you a Healer.

I am so thankful that you’re taking the risk to use the PEOPLE on this site as a resource. I’m so proud of the people on this site for consistently showing up for each other, ESPECIALLY with the hard stuff!

That’s all I need to say, really, because you ARE doing the work that you have to do to place this in proper perspective. You have so many choices ahead of you that now WILL be seen through the filter of your lifelong experience with your Mom, not just the last few moments. As long as you allow time to move without freezing it, and keep asking the questions, you’ll get the answers.

And don’t forget to ask Mom what she’d have you do.

Much Aloha!

Russ

 

[emtkelley]

Mom was always proud of what I did. She even got to see me "in action" on the news one night. She could never understand how I could do it but she was proud of it. Even up until the last days she was alive, she was my biggest fan. She would want me to do this and told me to never let anyone take away my dreams of being a paramedic. Even her Alzheimer's couldn't take that love and devotion for me away from her.

I have come to realize this beast is a bit too big for me at this point and I need to get some outside help. And yes, I didn't think it was a blessing then, but I am glad classes got cancelled for the semester. It will give my heart and mind a rest and a chance to heal so I can start fresh again. Mom was getting bad when I got the news my classes had been cancelled and I kinda thought something was going to happen. I can focus on my dad too and we can maybe begin to heal together as the days go by. I am hoping I can learn to grow from this even though all I feel is despair and sadness right now. I just can't believe how badly this hurts.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I will be refering to them often to get me though. I am so fortunate to be able to come here and recieve some help and ideas and I truly appreciate that so very much.

 

[ffemt8978]

Each and every one of us is walking around with a custom-designed “hot-button” that, if we stay long enough in the field, WILL get tripped!

The danger is in the denial of our experience. The challenge is to turn it, too, into a tool to use for the health and well-being of others. The denial makes you a Flesh Mechanic. The alchemy makes you a Healer.

This is a very good point that I didn't want to get lost in firetender's verbose post.

 

[BossyCow]

Kelly, you are having an emotional response to a deeply personal and traumatic incident in your life. This is what humans do. Grief sucks! There is no way around it and no way to tell how its going to hit us and through what area of our lives.

Give yourself time, it's the only thing that really heals grief. Outside help is good because it can coach you through the tough times while you are waiting for that time to pass.

Your loss is very fresh. With time you will come back to center and be able to decide if you want to go on with EMS or not. Just try to avoid making life changing decisions during this time of upheaval.

My heart aches for you, though I don't know you well. You will get through this.

 

[Canoeman]

Kelly,

I am saddened for you as well as the rest of your family in the loss of your Mom. I had a very similar circumstance with my Dad when he died nearly 11 years ago.
I also comtemplated leaving EMS and I had other very good opportunities. I took some time off and assisted in legal matters with other family members and my Mom.
It was during this period that I drew from the inspiration that may father had taught me about life, family, happiness and what one's legacy is to be. Mine was to be a good samaritan and assist those in need. Because of this I am a better Paramedic and person because of his wise words. I am so glad that I have saved others now. You can find the same rewards. Give it time, but do not give up what I know you want to continue in your heart.

Canoeman

 

[mfrjason]

There were a couple times I wanted to leave. Not because of something bad that happened, but because of the politics that was being introduced into the fire and ambulance departments. After my grandma died it drove me stronger into ems work because I wanted to make a difference, I didnt want the next person to feel what I had just gone through, the pain and heartache was the worst.

 

[MedikErik]

I had a few calls like that. One MCI, one involving firefighter-down, and a few others that still keep me up at night sometimes... just hang in there. Helping people is the best way I found to get over it. I may have "lost" in the case of those people, but I was soldiering on and may have saved a life or two because I wasn't going to stop helping people because of what happened to them. I know what my dead buddies would have told me: "Get back on the truck, and get it done."

It's always hard, and it'll take a while. Start slow, ride 3rd, and ride back to the station on the wagon or just don't go if you get something traumatic like that. Just be there when the bells go off, and things will sort themselves out. Therapy and the like help as well, but like falling off a bike, sometimes you just got to get back in the saddle.

Talking with my brothers and sisters in the department is probably been all thats kept me from going insane sometimes. Like many others here, just PM me if you need to talk. Stay safe out there.

 

[EMTinNE]

Sorry for your loss, understand your feelings/frustrations.

My thoughts & prayers are with you & your family during this difficult time. I understand the heartache and frustration, as I lost my father nearly two years ago(cancer, 60yrs). It was extremely painful watching the slow death, and I remember telling myself that when I go, I want it to be quickly.

Let me just say that time does heal....it won't happen overnight or in a few months. But with each passing day, the bad memories will gradually fade & be replaced with all of your happy memories with your mom. You are an EMT because you CARE about people and you want to be able to help others. Give yourself time to grieve, and then reconsider your calling as an EMT. I chose to continue helping others...Once it is in your "blood", it is really hard to just quit.

I wish you the best and continued personal strength to get through your hard days.

 

[ErinCooley]

I'm kind of going thru this, too.

I finish my first of 3 quarters for EMT-I next week (Ga has 2 quarters of basic followed by 1 quarter of intermediate)

Anyway, I've learned some things, I am definately far from knowledgable.

Last Friday, 8/31, my husband was driving his bulldozer in our yard. Somehow, he ran over our 3 year old daughter who got behind the equipment. I am SO at peace knowing that I had the knowledge to work on Caroline. I did cpr, I maintained c-spine, I knew how many lt of 02 she needed on the bvm, I knew where and how to find a pulse and to count her respirations. I didnt have the knowledge to keep her alive, I was absolutely able to work on her though. I know that there is a reason that I was called into this profession and I know that if I were able to do it to my own baby, I will be a damn good medic on someone elses baby. We buried our daughter on Wednesday and while I am sad and heartbroken beyond words, I also have this incredible peace (partially for the medic stuff, partially for other reasons) I hope that you too can find peace soon!

If you want to read about my Princess Caroline, search for her name, Caroline Gable Cooley at www.times-herald.com

 

[EMTinNE]

Sorry for the tragic loss of your young daughter.

I'm kind of going thru this, too.

I finish my first of 3 quarters for EMT-I next week (Ga has 2 quarters of basic followed by 1 quarter of intermediate)

Anyway, I've learned some things, I am definately far from knowledgable.

Last Friday, 8/31, my husband was driving his bulldozer in our yard. Somehow, he ran over our 3 year old daughter who got behind the equipment..... We buried our daughter on Wednesday and while I am sad and heartbroken beyond words, I also have this incredible peace (partially for the medic stuff, partially for other reasons) I hope that you too can find peace soon!

If you want to read about my Princess Caroline, search for her name, Caroline Gable Cooley at www.times-herald.com

I am very sorry for your loss Erin. I'm told there is no worse pain than losing a child. I am glad to hear you are turning your tragedy into something positive for your family & community, by continuing your education to help others. We are all part of a much bigger plan, just along for the ride!

 

[Ridryder911]

I am so sorry for your tragic lost as well. I hope you can continue your attitude and are able to build something positive from this tragic encounter.

R/r 911

 

[bled12345]

time for some walk it off attitude.

Life sucks sometimes, you either deal with it, or use the :censored::censored::censored::censored:tiness of your life as an excuse for all your shortcomings. My mother committed suicide about 2 years ago, yeah sure I went on the self pitty trip for about 2-3 months afterwards, and a little bit here and there for the years to come. Sometimes I still get sad about it, and have a little pitty party, but at the end of the day you know what? You choose what you want for your life, Strength isn't a trait, its a choice.

 

[Jon]

RReal simple - we all have rough calls... and you win some, and you lose some. Being there for someone you know, and actually MAKING A DIFFERENCE - that is a GREAT thing.

Being there, treating someone you know, and knowing that despite working your a** off, you couldn't save them... well... that sucks. My first bad trauma was a 15 year old who was 2 years behind me in High School... got nailed by a big pickup truck while skateboarding home from the school grounds. At that time, I was at the firehouse every other day... After the call, I sat down with the crew and we talked about it... the consesus was that the kid was FUBAR'ed, and was probably either going to be a vegatable or die... But I KNEW that we'd done everything we could. I walked out of the firehouse that night in shock...I'd never seen a "bad" trauma before. The next day at school was even worse, when it became know that he'd died. I didn't set foot in the firehouse for over a week.... When I went back, I realized that this was what I wanted to do... and I've never been as upset over the death of one of my patients since. I still remember his name, and still remember what the scene looked like... and it was 6 years ago this month.

As for loosing friends/family. It is had... and yes, now that you are in the medical field, you KNOW how everything works, and it does affect you... but you have to move on. Take some time off... then come back, and be ready to run again.